My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 60 years!

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My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

2. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

3. French tanks have five reverse gears, and one that goes forward in case they’re attacked from behind.

4. My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her. I just swam for the surface.

5. My mom’s had a moment of clarity. She called me a son of a bitch.

6. I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days straight and doesn’t die.

7. I didn’t use to finish my sentences, but now...

8. My therapist told me I’m too indecisive, but I’m not so sure.

9. I bought a terrible thesaurus yesterday, not only was it terrible, it was terrible!

10. Why do we call ourselves pirates? Because we arrr!

11. I intend to live forever. So far, so good!

12. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

13. Evening news is where they start with ‘Good evening’ and then tell you why it’s not.

14. I hate Russian dolls, they are so full of themselves.

15. There’s no ‘I’ in ‘denial’.

Marriage:

1. My wife and I were happy for 20 years, before we met.

2. I love my wife so much that if we were an a sinking boat, and there was only one life jacket, I would really miss her and think of her a lot.

3. The other day, my wife started a conversation by suddenly blurting out: “You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said, have you?”

4. My wife told me our neighbor kisses his wife goodbye on the steps every morning, and asked me why I don’t do the same, but I don’t know her that well.

5. Religious differences destroyed our marriage. I wasn’t allowed to love my neighbor.

6. I divorced my wife because she was too loud in bed. I could hear her from two houses down the street.

Just a few notes on your beloved mother to end it all:

• Yo mama so ugly, a blowjob from her counts as anal.

• Yo mama so fat, last time she passed by the TV, I missed a season of ‘Friends’.

THANK YOU, AND GOOD NIGHT!!