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Thứ Bảy, 27 tháng 5, 2017

An old couple walks into mcdonalds

An old couple walk into MacDonald. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.

He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and sets the cup down between them.

As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering."That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries, a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the couple.

The old man replies that they're just fine - they're just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman says,"No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything,"

As the old man finishes and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks,"May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"

The old woman answers....

"THE TEETH"

Tell me, Sherlock, where do lemons come from?

A lemon tree, dear Watson.

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating…

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."

The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"

One of the other businessmen replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop today...

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home," I said.

"F*ck you!" he shouted back.

"What an ungrateful little cunt," I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone

"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"

"No" she sobbed

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage

Some day, canada will take over the world.

And then we'll all be sorry.

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting absolutely drunk.

A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”

The farmer said, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

The man said, “So what happened that’s so horrible?”

“Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”

“OK, but that’s not so bad. What happened then?”

“I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”

“OK. And then?”

“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”

"Oh, man. But still, it ain't so bad. What did you do then?”

“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”

“Good. And then?”

“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”

"Shit. So what did you do this time?"

“Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter."

"And then?"

"And then my pants fell down and my wife walked in.”