I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

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Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait.

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I broke my finger today...

But on the other hand I am completely fine.

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I guy goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his anus.

The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "ugh, that's nasty". To which the man responds, " Nasty? Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg"

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It really probably isn’t safe for me to be driving my car right now,

But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.

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I woke up to a blowjob this morning.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the subway with my mouth open

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If I had a dollar for every time I got anal

I'd have enough money to bail my ass out of prison.

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