A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love...

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time, before I die."

She says, "Of course, dear." And they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.

"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."

At this point, the wife sits up and screams, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning...YOU DON’T!!!"

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A long time ago in a faraway kingdom the queen was a huge slut.

One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.

"Why, doesn't that just defeat the whole purpose?" asked the King, and the magistrate promptly picked a pencil off his desk and inserted it into the hole.

"SNAP!", the pencil had cleanly sliced into two! "Anything that enters the hole will be sliced off, sire", said the magistrate.

Thoroughly impressed, the King instructed the Queen to wear it for the entire year and left for his expedition. Upon his return, the King called for a meeting of all his country folk.

They were all instructed to drop their pants, and the King made his rounds noticing that many were missing fingers as well as their most vital part. Then, he saw the quiet knight Sir Xavier, fingers and all still intact.

"Xavier, the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But alas, Sir Xavier was speechless.

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Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school

She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in 5th grade. Which one is hotter?

The blonde..because she’s 18.

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A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck

When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

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Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic."

"Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?"

"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"

Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do."

"Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said.

"Yes, yes I do have a lawn!"

"Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house."

"Yes, yes I do have a house!"

"And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family."

"Yes, yes I do have a family!"

"And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual."

"Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed.

"Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob.

"Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob.

"Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?"

"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"

"No."

"Then you're gay."

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So I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump

I said, "Don't do it!"

He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

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