A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asks.

"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"Weird guy," says the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," says the bartender.

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Putin asks Trump "What's 2+2?"

I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me, and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2'? And I tell them, look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh, my God, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. It's terrible. It's just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way, I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Angela Merkel, now she's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. She's a nice gal, but she's like, '10101000101,' on and on, like that. She's like a computer! You know what I mean? She's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers, and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me.

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My wife asked me what I'm posting on Reddit...

I tell her that they /r/jokes...

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

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I won my first cage fight last night...

Fucking Parrot didn't know what hit it.

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A kid asks his grandmother "How come ive never seen you and grandpa fight?..."

/ - ... I see mom and dad fight from time to time, but ive never seen you and grandaddy fight... why is that?

/ - Well, says the grandma, we got married in the old church in the middle of town, after the marriage ceremony, we hopped on our horse carriage, it was a long time ago when horse carriages where still a thing, and cars where just starting to come around... And we went our way to our farm, that was a bit away from town, but half way there, the horse stopped, and it refused to start walking again, so your grandpa got down, stood in front of the horse, looked it directly at his eyes and said "one".

/ - He got up on the carriage again, and the horse started walking, i thought that would be it, but then a few miles ahead, the horse again stopped and refused to keep walking, the horse was not tired, or thirsty or hungry, he was just being stubborn!, so your grandpa got down, stood in front of the horse looked directly at his eyes, and said "TWO", he hopped on and we continued our way, with the horse walking again.

/ - When we where almost at the farm, the horse decided to stop again, and wouldnt walk, your grandpa, he got down, looked the horse directly in its eyes, and as he said THREE! he pulled out his gun and he shot the horse right between the eyes.

/ - For a second i was just stunned, he calmly started walking towards the carriage and i started yelling at him!, WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?, WHY DID YOU DO THAT FOR?, NOW HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET THE CARRIAGE TO THE FARM?, "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SHOOT THE HORSE!!!", he looked me directly at my eyes, and said, "one".

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What do you call it when a shark is sassy?

Sharkasm

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