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Thứ Năm, 7 tháng 2, 2019

A Psychology professor starts off his lecture by telling his students.

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number" says the person on the other end.

"You see that students, that's surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like."

He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number. When it answers, the professor asks.

"Hi, can Dave come to the phone?"

"I told you you have the wrong number"

"That's irritation, my friends" says the professor. "Now, let's look at what rage looks like"

He picks up the phone and dials the number again. When it answers he asks.

"Is Dave available?"

"LISTEN, YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT. IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, I'LL COME OVER, BREAK THAT PHONE IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. AND IF IT DOESN'T FIT, I'LL PUSH IT IN WITH MY COCK!!!!!!"

"And that's rage."

"Professor, you forgot the fourth stage," says a young man in the front rows.

"And what might that be?" asks the professor.

"It's called the stage of total confusion. Allow me to demonstrate" He comes up to the podium, takes the professor's phone and dials the same number.

"Hello, this is Dave, has somebody called me today?"

Thứ Tư, 6 tháng 2, 2019

I never wanted to believe that my father stole from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Women treat me like God.

My existence is ignored except for when they need something.

Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic."

"Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?"

"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"

Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do."

"Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said.

"Yes, yes I do have a lawn!"

"Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house."

"Yes, yes I do have a house!"

"And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family."

"Yes, yes I do have a family!"

"And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual."

"Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed.

"Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob.

"Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob.

"Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?"

"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"

"No."

"Faggot."

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island...

He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...

One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they were for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.

But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say...

She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...

"Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?"

"Yes" she said "anything!"

"Ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore"

"Ok..."

"Now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat"

"Wha... ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly.

"Ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it"

She was kinda confused, but none the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat.

"Now I'd like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a moustache."

"Ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered.

"Now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach, I'll catch up to you in a bit", he said a bit excited...

She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says, "DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?

Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.