He was busy chuckling as he watched a rerun of World War 1 on TV, when suddenly a man appeared in a burst of flames. The man was covered from head-to-toe in blood and scorch marks.
The Devil looked at his paperwork and frowned. He didn’t seem to have a file for the man.
“Epstein!” The Devil roared, turning to a figure in the distance, “Stop swinging on that rope and get my paperwork in order. This is the second time this week!”
“It doesn’t matter,” the man whispered, his eyes wide in shock, “It’s the end of the world. You wouldn’t believe what I’ve just witnessed.”
“The end of the world?” The Devil asked, looking confused, “That’s odd, God wasn’t planning Armageddon until next Tuesday. He must have brought it forward. How interesting!”
The Devil looked at the man with curiosity, “Well, why don’t you tell me what you remember before you died.”
The man sighed,
“Well, it all started when I went to visit an old friend. He had just moved into a new place. It feels like a dream now it’s over.
I was moving through the entrance to the complex when I heard it. A low gargling noise, and dragging footsteps. The sound was truly terrifying.
I looked to my right. And that’s when I saw it.”
“Saw what?!” The Devil asked curiously.
“A zombie.”
The Devil jumped with excitement, “Alright,” He called, turning to his minions, “Who bet zombies for the Apocalypse?”
The man continued, “He was moving towards me slowly, eyes bloodshot, mouth open. His arms were raised for my throat. He didn’t even look human anymore.
I realised in that moment that it was kill or be killed. My mind clicked into gear. This is what all those years of planning for a zombie apocalypse had paid off for.
I pulled my trusty sidearm from my pants and let fire. Headshot of course. It’s the only way.
Well shit went crazy then.
Bodies started coming out of everywhere. Doors flung open and zombies began dragging themselves out. Some were crawling on the floor, some with horrific sores on their faces, others with a missing limb or too.
All of them had the same dead look in their eyes.
I can’t tell you how many I took out. I was like Rick Grimes on drugs. Do you like zombie shows?”
“Oh yes.” The Devil nodded, “We’ve got Netflix down here, but we use Heaven’s account. It’s a victimless crime really. Like treason”
The man continued, “I came across one human who had a zombie with both arms over her shoulders. I took them both out. You can’t doubt yourself in those situations.
An alarm sounded across the complex, and I realised that I was done. I knew it was time. I pulled out a grenade from my satchel. You always need one for an emergency. I pulled the pin, held it, and charged at the enemy.
Next thing I know, I’m here.”
“What a story!” the Devil exclaimed, shooing away Joseph Stalin who had come to listen.
“But we have a problem.” The Devil continued. “Let me consult my ‘Grey Area’ compendium. I’m quite sure killing zombies falls into a grey area. You know, defending your life against the undead and all.”
The Devil pulled out a book from nowhere, and flicked through the pages,
“Hmmm....Karens.....Reposters...ah! Here we are. Yes....yes I’m afraid that there’s been a mistake in your processing.” The Devil said cheerfully, “You get to go to heaven!”
The man clapped in excitement.
“Let me just make a quick call,” The Devil said, pulling a phone out of nowhere, and dialling a number.
“Hey Jesus my man. It’s your boy Devil again,” The Devil said, “I’ve got another person here that’s yours.”
An angry voice sounded on the other end of the phone.
The Devil paused and then nodded, before hanging up the phone.
“What’s the matter?” The man asked.
“I need to call back in twenty minutes.” The Devil explained, “He’s got 50 people that just arrived from a retirement village.”
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