http://i.imgur.com/sYmervA.jpg
Chủ Nhật, 30 tháng 11, 2014
A guy walks into a dive bar...
And takes a seat at a table. Looking over their menu, he sees it has only three options: Tuna Salad Sandwich $1.50, Chicken Salad Sandwich $4.50 and lastly Hand Job $5.00.
"Wow, what a bargain," he thought to himself, somewhat stunned as a gorgeous blonde approached to take his order. "Are you the one who gives the hand job?" he asked.
"Why yes I am," she said seductively as she slid up closer to him.
"Well, go in the back and wash your fucking hands, I want a tuna salad sandwich."
School joke
Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I’m going home now.
A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men
, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion...
...and after meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.
The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy?
Twenty-five years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
"Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
Thứ Bảy, 29 tháng 11, 2014
The 37 Cutest Baby Animal Photos Of 2014
Prepare for an overload of cute.
This proud little smiler.
And this playful fuzzball.
Photo credit: ©Shedd Aquarium/Brenna Hernandez / Via Facebook: sheddaquarium
This bundled kitten.
This calf who's getting a good grooming from his little buddy.
The Ferguson riots were really unsettling guys.
I heard today that the only way they could disperse the crowd is by handing out job applications.
We've had an experiment running for a few months. We now have a new rule on the basis of that experiment. All posts must make some attempt at humor.
5 months ago, we made this post. Since then, we've been removing posts that make no attempt at humor. These are largely things that are
- Interesting
- Submitted by people who can't be arsed to find the correct subreddit
We've also had a fair number of users report such submissions so thanks for that. We've been keeping detailed records of your IP addresses and will be dispatching factory farm produced cookies to your home and/or work addresses.
We've also had some arguments with users about the implementation of this rule, but I think the majority of those have been amicably resolved.
So, going forward, all posts must make some attempt at humor. It doesn't matter if the joke falls flat or is crappy. There must be something in the post that at the very least tries to be funny.
This rule will be added to the sidebar as rule 0, since the mod team doesn't want to mess with the order but we still want this rule at the top.
For those who want examples, here are a few that I've removed in the past month. I'm posting the title and image only.
TL;DR: New Rule - All posts must make an attempt at humor. Success or failure of said attempt is immaterial.
My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession
She said "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a transformer".
I said "But baby, I can change".
She said "There you go again!"
Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning.
As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.
The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so sucessful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."
As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portolio."
27 Adorable Animals That Are So Ready For Bed
Off to Bedfordshire.
This little fella's had a very long week.
This hedgehog wanted to go out tonight but didn't last past pre-drinks.
This puppy couldn't be any more ready for bedtime.
This sloth just wants to hit the hay.
There's A New Teensy Baby Quokka To Obsess Over
THAT LITTLE SMILE!
Say "good morning" to Mia! She's a six-month-old Quokka joey at the Taronga Zoo.
Taronga Zoo
Her full name is "Meeuk Mia," and it means “halo of the moon” in the language of the Noongar people from Western Australia, according to a statement from the zoo.
Taronga Zoo
She might be tiny now, but she's got a bright, big future ahead of her!
Taronga Zoo
Her very important job will be "meeting and helping children learn about the importance of looking after native wildlife," the zoo said.
Taronga Zoo
15 Adorable Pets Who Are Already Super Excited For Christmas
A few of the submissions from this week’s Cute or Not were already in the Christmas spirit. Don’t forget to submit your own pet and vote!
"Soooo...is it time to open presents yet?" -- Holly
"I want a pair of leopard high heels to match this sweater!" -- Ibiza
"I need some more colors to add to my collection this Christmas, guys." -- Mumford
"I'm gettin' to be real big so my present better be something, like, twice the size of this." -- Charlie
Thứ Sáu, 28 tháng 11, 2014
In school, the teacher warns her students...
..."I will not tolerate any excuses for any kind. I might consider a nuclear attack, serious injury or even the death of a relative, but whoever misses this exam will fail the class."
The class's wise-guy says:
"But teacher, what if tomorrow I arrive to class completely exhausted from last night's amazing sex?"
The teacher says:
"Well I guess you'll have to do the exam with your left hand, then."
10 National Geographic Photographers Give Thanks for the Photos That Changed Them
10 National Geographic Photographers Give Thanks for the Photos That Changed Them
As a new photo editor at National Geographic, I was eager to learn more about the photographers we work with, many of whom I haven’t met in person. In honor of Thanksgiving, I asked ten of them to share an image that they were especially thankful for having taken — one that had perhaps changed the way they thought about something, or had a large impact on the trajectory of their career.
November 27, 2014 at 10:30PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/1CkYGNO
Thứ Năm, 27 tháng 11, 2014
14 Thanksgiving Cats Ready To Party
Felines giving thanks.
"Turkey? Yes? Where?"
"PIE!! PUMPKIN PIEEEE!!!"
"Turkeys are friends. Turkeys are also foods."
"I shall attend your festivities. But I will practice my right to not enjoy them. That said, yes, I will have more gravy."
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..I just lost it."
This Christmas Mixtape From Diplo And Mad Decent Is The Prelude To Your Holiday Hangover
The trap remix of “The Nutcracker” is honestly impressive.
Into this jingling bachanal of over-indulgence and eggnogg hangovers enters Diplo and his Mad Decent crew, armed with a stocking full of trap-rave and booty-bass remixes of Christmas classics you didn't know you needed.
Mad Decent.
A Very, Very Decent Christmas features trunk-rattling takes on "Jingle Bells," "Little Drummer Boy," and even Tchaikovsky's theme from The Nutracker (aptly: "The Nutcracka") that would be a perverse thrill at any candlelight service.
Consider your holiday party officially soundtracked.
17 Dogs Who Have This Thanksgiving Thing Down
Waiting for leftovers is ruff!
"Why, again, did you dress me up like a TURKEY? I thought I was a dog."
"If you're going to dress me up like a turkey on the day PEOPLE EAT TURKEY, at least let me be first in line."
"We'll even do the dishes if you'll give us more food!"
"The anticipation is killin' me, dad!"
Three plumbers walk into a bar
They ask the bartender, "You really need three plumbers?"
"Oh I'm quite sure." said the bartender. "Go see if you can unclog the toilet in the women's washroom. My female customers are all leaving 'cause they got no place to go."
"Alright then" quipped one of the plumbers and off they went.
From in the bathroom there were plunging noises, rattles, bangs, and so on. This went on for about 30 minutes when the plumbers returned and the first one said "There's no way that toilet will unclog. We've got no idea what's stuck in there, but it ain't coming out."
Just then, the queen was passing by outside in her carriage. It seemed that the quail she had eaten earlier wasn't getting along with her digestive tract. While using a public bathroom was quite uncouth for a person of royalty, her bowels could care less. So she ran into the pub, straight to the bathroom. Everyone was in shock at the sight of the queen running through, and nobody warned her of the toilet's state. The whole pub was silent until the sound of the toilet flushing came out from behind the door. The queen soon emerged, addressed her subjects, and was on her way.
The three plumbers looked dumbfounded. They checked the bathroom and the toilet was working fine. The large one asked "How on earth did she get the crapper to work?" Old Paddy sitting at the end of the bar piped up: "Don't ya know? Three of a kind can't beat a royal flush!"
A man is charged with a felony...
The man and his family are too poor to post bail. The man gets a letter from his father that reads:
"It is so unfortunate that you are in jail right now, every year at this time we used to turn the soil before winter so that we could plant and grow tomatoes next year. I don't think I'll be able to do it by myself but I will try my best.
Much love,
Father"
The man reads the message and immediately writes a response from jail:
"DON'T TURN THE SOIL IN OUR TOMATO PATCH!!!! It's where I buried the evidence!!!"
Two hours later a team of government investigators show up at the father's house stating that based on evidence scanned through the man's letter, there are reasonable ground to search the tomato patch for evidence. The investigators dig up the entire patch... But find nothing. They apologize to the father and leave. The man sees the investigation come back and writes to his father:
"Looks like we'll be having tomatoes next year after all!"
"Drums good, drums okay." x-post from /r/Bass
An explorer is deep in the jungle, in a corner of the earth never before seen by civilized man. Suddenly, he hears drums in the distance. He turns to his faithful native guide and asks what the drums mean.
"No worry, no worry," says the guide, "drums good, drums okay."
The explorer, trusting his guide, continues on through the jungle. The drums get louder and closer as darkness falls, and they set to make camp. "Are you sure this is safe, making camp with those drums so close by?" says the explorer.
"No worry, no worry," says the guide, "drums good, drums okay."
So they make a little fire, and eat something. The explorer is uneasy about sleeping, with that strange drumming nearby. He is about to ask his guide once again for reassurance, when, as suddenly as they began, the drums stop. The guide freezes, a look of terror on his face. "What? What is it?" whispers the explorer, "Is it bad that the drums stopped?"
"Drums good, drums okay," said the guide, "But drums stop, that bad. Very bad, what come next, if drums stop."
"What? Tell me! What is it that comes after the drums stop?!?"
"Bass solo."
A Kraft cheese factory recently burned down...
No one reported the fire for hours, because no one believed that there actually were hot Singles in the area.
A Texan is getting drunk in a bar in Alaska...
and he starts to brag about how great Texas is.
An Alaskan hunter comes up to him and says, "Listen, buddy. Here in Alaska, you ain't shit until you've done three things: Drink a fifth of Alaskan whiskey, shoot a polar bear, and make love to an Eskimo woman."
The Texan accepts the challenge and starts by grabbing a bottle of whisky from the counter and painfully chugging it down. He then says that he'll be right back and ambles out the door.
A few hours later he stumbles back into the bar all mangled and bloody and says, "I did it! Now where's that Eskimo woman I'm supposed to shoot?"
A dad walks by his son's bedroom...
And hears the kid praying. "God bless mommy, daddy and grandma. Tata, grandpa." The dad can't help but scratch his head. Still, he was glad his kid was praying. And so he went to bed.
The next morning, Grandpa was found dead on the floor of a heart attack. The dad is weirded out again, but decides it's just coincidence.
That night, the kid prayed again. "God bless mommy and daddy. Tata, grandma." He is a little worried, but decides to brush it off.
The next morning, grandma is dead. He is starting to freak out now, and decides to wait by the bedroom door when the kid prays again.
"God bless mommy. Tata, daddy." He absolutely flipped out, stayed awake that night and went to the doctor in the morning. When he got back, he found his wife waiting for him. And she said,
"Thank god you're here! I found the milkman dead on the porch this morning!"
A black man enters a bar...
with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender, all surprised and shocked, said; - That's cool! Where did you get that?
- In Africa, replied the parrot.
White people rioting over stupid shit
White people rioting over stupid shit
Let's put those Ferguson pictures in perspective, shall we?
November 26, 2014 at 10:29AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/1vJpyn3
Bette Midler Is Sorry For Calling Ariana Grande "A Whore"
The latest diva feud comes to an end.
Mike Coppola / Getty Images
It's always surprising to see someone like Ariana Grande with that silly high voice, a very wholesome voice, slithering around on a couch looking so ridiculous. I mean, it's silly beyond belief and I don't know who's telling her to do it.
Singer/Rapper Tink Released A Haunting Song About Police Brutality
The Timbaland-produced “Tell The Children” is one more way musicians have spoken out on the events in Ferguson .
This is Tink, the prodigiously talented rapper and singer who became Timbaland's new protégé this year.
The song opens with a monologue and faint repetitions of "don't shoot", "tell the children to watch out", and "keep running". It'll hit a raw nerve.
You can hear eerie echoes of Lauryn Hill's “Doo Wop (That Thing)” in the Timbaland-tapped composition. Faint gunshot soundbytes are added throughout.
But the words speak for themselves: “He was more afraid of him when he the one with the piece?” ... "Badge is a pass to do whatever / So now we livin’ in fear of the people here to protect us."
Thứ Tư, 26 tháng 11, 2014
A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest...
When he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard.
"I’m lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said," but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that’s pretty crappy," he thought. "If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.
As he did so he noticed another note on the window that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
I was watching TV last night...
When an advertisement came on showing one of those African babies covered in flies.I immediately ran for the phone and rang the number that came up on the screen. "I want one of those", I said,"they work much better than those sticky strips I hang from my ceiling".
It's Two Years To The Day Since Lenny Kravitz Went Out In This Ridiculously Massive Scarf
A scarf of such magnitude it’s caused the internet to lose its mind all over again.
Let it be known that on 25 November 2012, it was a little chilly on the streets of New York, and Lenny Kravitz reached for a scarf...
...and plucked out this one.
Pacific Coast News
As has this one.
Matt Tucker / BuzzFeed / Via Pacific Coast News
29 Dogs Who Will Make You Want To Do Better
Nothing like a great dog to inspire you to be your best self.
This guide dog puppy who knows you're never too small to start giving back.
This dog who will be any creature's designated driver, no questions asked.
These dogs who dropped everything to provide support in the aftermath of the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School.
Michelle Mcloughlin / Reuters
These dogs who understand the true meaning of friendship.
When Is The Right Time To Start Listening To Christmas Music?
Results are in! Fa la la la la la Christmaaaas.
Last week, we asked you to vote on a HIGHLY CONTENTIOUS holiday matter.
Warner Bros. / Via tumblr.com
Here's how your answers stacked up:
It turns out that you are very much against listening to Christmas music whenever, wherever, with "Every day of the [jingle-bellin'] year" accounting for only 6% of your votes.
![It turns out that you are very much against listening to Christmas music whenever, wherever, with "Every day of the [jingle-bellin'] year" accounting for only 6% of your votes.](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_sacINkY60qhTvmWFC5HgBRSKCUwvZC1HcYAEHiRZfoJzQ2c3MAm2-lkfRGg6KPXD4iDhvudfstDg=s0-d)
BabySnoopy69 / Via blingee.com
BuzzFeed
This Heartbroken Little Dog Has Waited Outside A Hospital For His Late Owner For Over A Year
This IS the saddest thing you’ll read today.
Meet Masha.
According to the Siberian Times, he has been coming into Novosibirsk District Hospital Number One for over a year, ever since his owner, a pensioner from the village of Dvurechie, became ill and turned up with his pet. Sadly, the man died a year ago.
Novosibirsk Vesti TV
She is waiting for him, for her owner. Just recently a family tried to adopt her, but Masha ran away and returned to the hospital. She was taken on Friday evening, and at 3am on Saturday she was back here.
Patients and workers at the hospital give her food and a warm bed.
Novosibirsk Vesti TV
You see her eyes, how sad they are - it's not the usual shiny eyes for when a dog is happy. You can see this in animals in the same way as with people. There is nothing medicine can do for her here, but we are still hoping that Masha will be able to find another owner. One day, and we very much want this day to come soon, our Masha will trust somebody.
Three bulls
Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get his cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows."
They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the biggest baddest bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman..........
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry" says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "But you can't come in here without a Thai".
Two Fleas on Vacation (nsfw)
Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami he is shivering and shaking.
The other flea asked him, "Why are shaking so badly?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."
The other flea says, "That's the worst way to travel. Do what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter. A year goes by... When the first flea shows up in Miami he shivering and shaking again.
The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
"Yes," says the first flea. "I did exactly what you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."
An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class...
“In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
In line at the bank the old asian lady in front of me got in an argument with the teller. . .
"last week I bring 200 dolla, you give me 100 yen. This week I bring 200 dolla you only give me 80 yen! Why?" The teller said "fluctuations" "yeah, well fuck you white people too!"
WARNING: dark jokes ahead
My girlfriend is into some really strange roleplay when we have sex. She always insists on pretending to be 14 years old. I don't get why, she'll be 14 in a couple of years anyway
Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging "WHYYYY!!??". Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says "I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead"
A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it.
Q: What's the best part about dead baby jokes? A: They never get old.
Q: What is the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? A: Michael Phelps can finish a race. ///
Q: What's the difference between Jews and Santa Claus? A: Santa comes down the chimney
Q: What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew? A: A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven
Q: What's the difference between a nigger and a snow tire? A: A snow tire doesn't sing when you put chains on it.
Q: What do black people and bikes have in common? A: They stop working when you take the chains off
Q: What is the hardest part about being a pedophile? A: Fitting in.
Yesterday, I failed my biology exam. The question was: Name something commonly found in cells. Apparently, Niggers wasn't the right answer
Rihanna Just Posted New Music On Instagram
Fifteen seconds of perfection.
We all know Rihanna's been "phuckin roun in da studio" for a while now but thanks to this recently-posted Instagram video we finally have evidence.
Via instagram.com
*presses repeat until #R8 drops*
I was asked to watch my friend’s house while he was away
I’m probably giving up my age on this one, but I first Buddy Hackett tell this one just a couple years ago . . .
So my friend went on a vacation for a week and asked me to take care of his place for him. Everything was going fine, for the most part.
On the third morning he gave me a call and asked: “So how is everything going?”
“The house is fine,” I said, “but your cat died.”
“Wha . . .” click He hung up on me.
Later that day my friend called back and said, “Sorry I hung up on you. I was just so distraught. It really ruined my day. I wish you had given me the news a little more slowly.”
“How’s that?” I asked.
“Well, maybe you could have told me that my cat had climbed on the roof and wouldn’t come down. The tomorrow you could have told me you were trying to get him down, but he wouldn’t budge. The next day you could have said he’s not eating, then the following that he had died. At least it wouldn’t be so shocking.”
“Ok, sorry. Next time I’ll know better.”
He said, “it’s ok, I know you didn’t mean it. So how’s my mom?”
“She’s climbed on the roof and I can’t get her down.”
Here Are A Bunch Of Puppies Dressed Up Like Disney Characters Because You Deserve It
Prepare to squeee!
The folks at Oh My Disney decided to dress a bunch of adorable dogs up in Disney costumes, and then film them in slow motion. As you probably guessed, the results are adorable:
Oh My Disney / Via youtube.com
Here's puppy Aladdin and puppy Jasmine preparing for a magical carpet ride...
Oh My Disney / Via youtube.com
And K-9 Jack Sparrow, who has totally mastered the hair whip.
Oh My Disney / Via youtube.com
Furry Ariel is a total babe.
Oh My Disney / Via youtube.com
Can You Tell If These Kanye West Quotes Are Real Or Fake?
How great are you, really?
It wasn't the first time a fake Kanye quote fooled people who should have known better.
After the deaths of Nelson Mandela and Michael Jackson in 2013 and 2009, respectively, fabricated statements in which West allegedly compared himself favorably to the late historic figures were shared indiscriminately on social media and in the press.
42 Reasons Dogs Will Always Be Better Than Cats
This is why everyone should be a dog person.
Because this is how dogs sometimes go down the steps.
And this is how they sometimes hop up them.
i.imgur.com / Via reddit.com
Because playing catch with dogs is always fun.
And you never know what they're going to do.
Via gifbin.com
This Stray Dog Followed An Extreme Sports Team All The Way To The End Of Their Race For A Better Life
SOB.
Deep in the Ecuadorian rain forest, four Swedish athletes competing in the Adventure Racing World Championship were sitting down for a meal when they were approached by a stray dog.
They were entering the final stages of the gruelling race and about to trek dozens of miles through the jungle.
Krister Goransson / Via Facebook: peakperformanceadventureracingteam
They thought nothing of throwing him a meatball. But they could have had no idea what would happen next.
Krister Goransson / Via Facebook: peakperformanceadventureracingteam
Because a few kilometres later, they realised the dog was following them. It simply refused to leave their side. They named him Arthur.
It was a strenuous, muddy journey. On several occasions they had to pull him out of the mud.
Krister Goransson / Via Facebook: peakperformanceadventureracingteam
On another occasion a team mate was dehydrated and needed medical attention: Arthur stood guard over him while they waited for it.
Facebook: peakperformanceadventureracingteam
Thứ Ba, 25 tháng 11, 2014
21 Reasons You Should Be Thankful For Your Dog
Dogs are the best kind of friends.
Your pup's favorite thing in the world is putting a smile on your face.
And you have an absolute best friend for life, no questions.
He's always willing to cuddle up next to you on the couch every night.
And no matter how big or small, your pup accepts you just the way you are.
Macklemore Marched In The Seattle Ferguson Verdict Protest
The Seattle-native rapper was spotted marching with other protesters Monday night.
This 5-Month-Old Baby And A Sloth Have Been Best Friends Since Birth
Baby Alia and Daisy the sloth are the cutest friends.
Meet baby Alia with her friend Daisy the sloth.
Hidden Clover / Caters News
Alia met Daisy when she was just two days old. Her parents say that Alia and the sloth have been inseparable ever since.
Hidden Clover / Caters News
The adorable pair play together and take naps together.
Hidden Clover / Caters News
They often wear the same coloured flower head bands in their hair.
Hidden Clover / Caters News
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