FunnyStory about animals and all around the world
Funny Video about animals and all around the world! :)
Funny picture about animals and all around the world :)
Play game and comfortable :)
Go to Blogger edit html and find these sentences.Now replace these sentences with your own descriptions.
A man walks into his kitchen with his hands between his legs and a pained expression on his face.
"what happened darling?" says his wife. "I got hit with a fastball at practice" he replies. "Oh you poor man, come here and i'll massage it better". So she pulls out his penis and begins to massage with various scented oils. "how's that my darling, are you feeling better?" The man examines his bruised finger and says: "That's great darling, but I still think i'll lose the nail."
Wynton Marsalis and Herbie Hancock are big fans.
Rebecca Meek.
Joey Alexander / Facebook.
Born in Bali, Indonesia, he started playing Thelonius Monk by ear when he was six.
Rebecca Meek.
Motema Records.
The devil is in the detail.
Taylor Swift / Via instagram.com
Taylor Swift / Via instagram.com
Taylor Swift / Via instagram.com
If rappers are gonna ball, then ballers are going to rap. They probably shouldn’t.
Before he takes on Manny Pacquiao this weekend in an epic battle of Two Men Past Their Prime in a Fight That Should Have Happened Half a Decade Ago, let's reflect on Floyd Mayweather's brief dalliance into hip-hop. Dropping "Floyd" and leading with his nickname, you would think a man named "Money" would spring for a more professional camera crew for his music video. However, "Yep" indulges in the simple things: jewelry, parties, bikini girls, and handheld camcorders.
Choice Lyric: "They see the cars / They see the chips / They see the hos /They on my dick"
Former NBA superstar and current Milwaukee Bucks head coach Jason Kidd began and ended his rap career with "What The Kidd Did," a song recorded after his final season at Cal and before becoming the second overall pick in the 1994 NBA Draft. "What The Kidd Did" reflects on Jason's college and high school careers in a very (some might say too) literal fashion.
Choice Lyric: "Let’s go back a few years to be exact / High school the fools didn’t know how to act / At St. Joe’s the hos treated me different / But I was good on the dribble like an infant"
The title track to Randy Savage's 2003 album, "Be a Man" is meant to be a diss track aimed at Savage's longtime archnemesis, Hulk Hogan. All of this is sort of surprising until you think about it and then it's not.
Choice Lyric: "They call you Hollywood? Don't make me laugh /
'Cause your movies and your acting skills are both trash / Your movies straight to video; the box office can't stand / While I got myself a feature role in Spider-Man"
Anyone who's watched the Green Bay Packers play a home game over the last two decades knows it's a Lambeau Field tradition for players to jump into the crowd after every touchdown. However, as the years pass, few outside of Wisconsin remember how the tradition started. Luckily, the man who made the celebration famous, former Packers wideout Robert Brooks, recalls in explicit detail the history of the NFL's most enduring touchdown celebration in "Jump (Into the Stands)." Long story short: Brooks began the move when he saw Packers safety LeRoy Butler try and fail miserably to clear the barrier between the field and the bleachers.
Choice Lyric: "My idea came from LeRoy Butler ya know / But he stuck to the wall like Velcro."
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Shit."
BECAUSE DOGS.
Pavlov’s cat?
Impressive.
watergirlmv / Via youtube.com
watergirlmv / Via youtube.com
watergirlmv / Via youtube.com
watergirlmv / Via youtube.com
Koala-fied to not give a f**k.
"Bow down to me bitches".
Qantas
"Smack down".
"Coming through peasants".
"Cop this".
Facebook: MeanwhileInAustralia
Sometimes it’s hard to tell who rescued who.
Creative Commons / Flickr: pictureclara
I adopted an orange tabby, Rowdy, who is a wonderful kitty. The night I brought him home, there was a small fire in the basement of our house. My roommate and I both slept through the alarms and the smoke was really filling the house. I only woke up because Rowdy was prancing over my bed and patting at me until he woke me up. He was the only thing I grabbed when we evacuated the house.
Submitted by Jessica Chi, Facebook
I have schizophrenia that is more intense at night, and my hallucinations make it extremely difficult to sleep, and it affects me daily. When I first met Bam Bam in the shelter, I would have never guessed how dependent on him I would grow to be. He sleeps nestled between my stomach and thighs, and feeling his warm body brings me so much comfort that I can now sleep through the night most of the time. I can't sleep without him anymore!
Submitted by laurenpratt1997
Creative Commons / Flickr: 30800139@N04
A woman was standing on the edge of a bridge ready to jump, a homeless man approached her and the woman said "NO! NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL STOP ME FROM JUMPING, I AM WORTHLESS!!"
The homeless man replied "Okay, fine. But before you do, will you have sex with me? I haven't had sex in 25 years."
The woman replied "No, you're disgusting."
The homeless man turned and began to walk away when the woman said "WAIT! THAT'S IT? YOU'RE NOT GONNA TALK ME OUT OF THIS?"
The homeless man turned, smiled and said, "I'm going to the bottom, if I hurry, you'll still be warm."
The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
Husband's Message (by text):
"Darling, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, should not have any serious or lasting effect but, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture of the left leg and they may have to amputate my right foot. Fingers crossed!"
Wife's Response: "Who's Paula?"
The first guy says "Man, my neighbors were up yelling and screaming at one in the morning." "Ouch." says the other guy "Did they wake you up?" "No. I was already up, playing my bagpipes."
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
HELP WANTED Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air. The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.
The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."
The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."
The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow!!!"
She asks him, "So you put dicks in your mouth?"
He hesitates but says, "yes."
She swiftly slaps him across the face.
"I don't want to hear a damn word about my cooking anymore then."
Who run the world?
The video description said, "it took four single takes and memorizing four different sets of lyrics and choreography. Also it is exactly four minutes in length because of Beyonce’s connection to the number four."
Todrick Hall / Via youtube.com
BuzzFeed / Via ak-hdl.buzzfed.com
And FYI - these are vines, you'll want to click the SOUND icon (bottom-right) for music!
Todrick Hall / Via vine.co
SLAY.
Todrick Hall / Via vine.co
Watch out, Sir Mix-A-Lot.
NBC
Spike / Via youtube.com
Spike / Via youtube.com
Spike / Via youtube.com
She r who she r, and that’s hella talented.
RCA
RCA
RCA
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.
Two beers before lunch? Fido isn’t counting.
You look at each other knowingly when a friend asks if you want to kick it in the park and play some disc golf. The two of you also assume the friend will sit in the backseat on the way there.
No uncomfortable hugs between you two. Whether it's lazy naps together on the couch, or completely casual face licks — it's all about the love.
Your family rolls their eyes when you ask if the hotel for the family vacation is "pet friendly." You never consider going on a cruise because your dog gets seasick. And forget about flying an airline that doesn't allow your best pal in the cabin.
Or at least that's what you tell yourself when you don't hear any complaints from the pooch in the passenger seat. He knows you're still heartsick about Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore splitting up. He doesn't judge.
Thinkstock
Somehow, she makes being awesome look effortless.
A man and his wife are in bed and things start to heat up. After a little bit of foreplay the man suddenly stops. His wife asks "What's wrong? Is it me?" The man replies " No I learned this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."
Jerry was walking home from work in a bustling city, when he stumbled upon a man who was giving out coupons for a free drink at an enormous penthouse. This monstrous building had 100 floors, and no elevator, but Jerry was determined to go get himself a free drink.
After the first ten flights of stairs, he began to pant, and walked more slowly. When he reached the 27th flight, he tripped and bruised his chin. Nevertheless, he continued upwards. He climbed and climbed and climbed and climbed. When he reached the 60th flight, he couldn't take it anymore, so he whipped out a cigarette for a quick smoke break. After feeling a bit more rested, he continued up the seemingly never-ending stairway. Finally, he reached the 90th floor! Jerry told himself that he was almost there, and continued up the stairs slowly but surely. After an hour, he had finally reached the top of the stairs!
Jerry glanced into the penthouse, and saw that it was filled with people, all collecting their free drinks. There were massive crowds waiting for Coke, Fanta, wine, beer, any dozens of other drinks, but he looked and he looked, but there was no punchline.
A train conductor carrying millions of dollars of raw materials across the United States falls asleep on the job. Missing a crucial interchange, he runs the trains of the tracks and destroys all the cargo, wrecks the train, and kills four people in the process.
After months of trials, lawsuits, and court dates, he receives a death row sentence.
────────
Months pass and finally the week of his execution arises. With three days left to live, an Holding Officer comes to his cell and walks him through the process that will occur in the upcoming days.
Tonight you will receive 1 of your last 3 meals. You may ask for whatever food you like and we will accommodate to the best of our abilities. On the third day, before your last meal, the chaplain will come in to give you your final blessing if you desire. You will eat. Then I will come take you to the chair.
The Holding Officer leaves a notepad and pen for the man to write down his meals...
One the first day, he is brought a banana and a glass of water per his request. The office leaves a tray with the items at the foot of his cell, but gives the man a perplexed look before leaving.
The man eats the banana and drinks the water, but takes the peal and stores it under his mattress.
The second day comes and once again the office brings his order, this time with two bananas instead of one. Before leaving though, he stops to ask the man of his odd requests.
You can have any food your heart desires, and yet yesterday all you ask for was a banana, and today the same thing?? Would you not prefer a seasoned steak, or gourmet pizza? Or maybe a fancy desert like a crème brûlée??
The man thought for a moment before speaking. Without looking up from the tray of food, and barely above a murmor, spoke gently to the officer, If it concerns you that much to mention it, perhaps you could add an item to my order tomorrow
The officer's ears perked up in anticipation of the request.
I'd like an ice cream cone added to my order tomorrow. With chocolate sprinkles on top, NOT multi-colored.
The officer's look of intrigue disappeared off his face, but he acknowledged the mans' request and said he would make it so.
The third day arrives. The man sitting cross-legged in the middle of the cell waits for the officer to arrive. In one corner of his cell sits an untouched cup of water from the previous day, under his mattress two banana peels rest, with the third lodged between his thighs.
Officer shows up. Sets down the tray, proud of himself for having found chocolate sprinkles despite the kitchen's only confetti colored ones, and informs the man he'll be back in half an hour to take him to his end.
For his last meal he eats the entire banana. Peel and all. He drinks the cup of water but not the one on his tray. Taking it from the corner of the room, he pours the entire cup into his throat with his held tilted back. In one swallow it's gone.
Next, he takes the new cup of water. Individually, he sticks every single one of his fingers into the cup. With wet tips, he runs his hands through his hair for several minutes. Repeating this process until all the water in the cup is gone.
At last, he reaches his single scoop of ice cream. Chocolate sprinkles, just like he asked. A small smile crosses his face.
Then, with the grace and precision of a watch maker, he picks off every one. Every. Single. Sprinkle.
By the time all the sprinkles are removed, and stashed secretly into the banana peels under the mattress, his clock reads 2-minutes till showtime.
With his last remaining minutes he enjoys his ice cream.
────────
The helmet is strapped.
The belts are tied tight.
The man's moment of judgement has finally come.
The officer does the inspection himself, insuring everything is in order. A medic stands by ready to flip the switch. In a matter of seconds, hundreds of thousands of volts will be passing through the man's body, ending his sinful life.
The officer places his right hand on the switch. His touch lighter for some reason than all the times in the past. He asks if the man has any last words.
But the man says nothing. Instead, he shakes his head from side to side, with eyebrows raised in a show of complacency. His thighs however, squeeze tight to the banana peel between his legs.
The Officer lets out a sigh, and begins his count.
3.
2.
1.
The switch is flipped. The lights flicker. And a loud buzz is heard.
But nothing happens.
Now in the state where they reside, if any attempt past two does not successfully end a prisoner's life, he is returned to his cell and given a new term of life sentence over execution.
Full well knowing this is the case, the officer goes to check his connections. Every thing seems in order.
He returns to the switch
3.
2.
1.
The switch is flipped. The lights flicker. And a loud buzz is heard.
Still nothing.
Now a man in a suit has entered the room. He whispers something to the medic. The officer double and triple checks all the connections.
The man sits calmly. A content look rests upon his face.
The final attempt. Tensions high in the room. Everyone's breath is held.
3.
2.
1.
The switch is flipped. The lights flicker. And a loud buzz is heard.
Nothing.
Perplexed. The officer run his hand through his hair. He looks at the man sitting in the death chair, unharmed. Now a giant smile radiates from ear to ear.
The officer shouts out the man
I DON'T UNDERSTAND! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!? HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD
The man smile fades, he raises one eyebrow, shrugs and mutters--
I don't know. I guess I'm a bad conductor.
Joni Mitchell at a gala on January 25, 2014, in Beverly Hills.
Larry Busacca / Getty Images
According to documents filed Tuesday by Leslie Morris — a self-described long-time friend of Mitchell's — the "Big Yellow Taxi" singer cannot make decisions for herself, the Associated Press reported. Morris has filed a petition asking to be made Mitchell's conservator.
The court documents cite a doctor who described Mitchell as unable to make court appearances for as long as six months.
TMZ first reported Mitchell's condition, saying she is in a coma. Later, Billboard cited unnamed sources who said Mitchell is in worse condition than is publicly known.
Mitchell's representatives did not immediately respond to BuzzFeed News' request for comment.
Mitchell was hospitalized March 31 after collapsing at her Los Angeles home.
Originally hailing from western Canada, Mitchell eventually moved to the U.S. and ultimately settled in L.A. In 1970, she wrote “Woodstock” about the eponymous festival that took place a year earlier. She is perhaps best remembered for "Big Yellow Taxi."
5 stars for this guy.
youtube.com / Via youtube.com
The psychologist says "I'm going to show you some ink blots and you tell me the first image that pops into your minds."
He shows her the first one and she says "That's rape."
He shows her the second one and she says "Wow, that one's also rape."
Slightly taken aback, he shows her the third ink blot, and she yells "Is this some kind of sick joke? Why do you keep showing me pictures of rape?"
He says "Wow, you actually see depictions of rape in all of these?"
To which she replies "Typical rape apologist. You think it's not rape just because they're black women?"
This joke is a shameless ripoff of this comment by /u/SiGTecan.
Lawyer: So, you say the reason you are devorcing Minnie Mouse is because she is crazy, right? Mickey: No, I said I am divorcing her because she is fucking Goofy.
The meadow is as far as you let it be.
Umbertopantalone / Getty Images
Zhuzhu / Getty Images
Steinbergpix / Getty Images
Thibop / Getty Images
You got this.
~dog goals~
I’ve got words for you: Bao Bao. And two more: It’s free.
Flickr: 39908901@N06 / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: 39908901@N06
Flickr: 39908901@N06 / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: 39908901@N06
Yeah, you named him but DID YOU EVEN ASK FIRST??
Thumbnail image credit: http://ift.tt/1HNOHBc
Too real.
youtube.com / Via youtube.com
Via youtube.com
Via youtube.com
Via youtube.com
“Can u not” – this caterpillar, probably.
Pomerantz works for ecotourism company Rainforest Expeditions and wrote about his discovery on their blog.
Aaron Pomerantz / PeruNature.com and Steven Senisi / Edtechlens.com
I might never have noticed this small brown insect had it not been for its unusual movement: noises would cause it to fire its tentacles in randomized directions, then slowly twirl back into a spring-like "ready" position to await its next alarm. This reaction to noise was so peculiar that once my group joined me around the creature, we proceeded to take turns yelling at it and filming its contorting reactions for over an hour.
But Andy Warren, senior collections manager at the Florida Museum of Natural History, told National Geographic that you'd have to wait until the caterpillar grew into a moth, or sequence its DNA, to be for sure of its species.
Aaron Pomerantz / PeruNature.com
It’s that time of year, and you will experience some cute aggression.
Flickr: robin1966 / Via Creative Commons
Newborn lamb at Bicton College, Budleigh Salterton.
![When he was in the Peruvian Amazon recently, entomologist Aaron Pomerantz came across the "craziest caterpillar [he'd] ever seen."](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_uZ5q36Ot3SSguqNorm4xKkTdgemRTOcCZKh6ofvX_yuAz20Kz_v32lED-jfkzAsw58nb3UbrrC6g=s0-d)
