I think they misunderstood me when I told them "I wanna watch."...
Chủ Nhật, 31 tháng 5, 2015
A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday...
"I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing of drugs."
I said, "Okay, but don't go into that field over there....."
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I'm allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land! No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?! Do you understand?!"
I nodded politely, apologized and went about...
Three old ladies sat at a park bench when a man in an overcoat appeared in front of them, opened his overcoat, and flashed his naked body.
The first old lady was overcome by the experience and had a stroke. The second old lady was also overcome by the experience and had a stroke. The third old lady didn't have a stroke at all -- her arms were too short....
Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and go seek
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It's Einstein's turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one metre by one metre square on the ground in front of Einstein and stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims, "Newton! I found you! You're it!" Newton smiles and says, "you didn't find me, you found a Newton over a square metre. You found Pascal!"...
God Will Save Me
A big storm approaches. The weatherman urges everyone to get out of town. The priest says, "I won't worry, God will save me".
The morning of the storm, the police go through the neighborhood with a sound truck telling everyone to evacuate. The priest says "I won't worry, God will save me".
The storm drains back up and there is an inch of water standing in the street. A fire truck comes by to pick up the priest. He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises another foot. A National Guard truck comes by to rescue the priest. He...
The world is so politically correct these days.
You used to be able to say "black paint." Now it has to be "Jamal can you please paint my wall?"...
In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters
Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"
Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."
Waiter: "I'm sorry?"
Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."...
Can Ecstasy Replace Xanax?
Can Ecstasy Replace Xanax?
A new study urges trials of MDMA to treat anxiety in autistic adults, and it's already being tested for PTSD. Is America ready to embrace Molly?
May 31, 2015 at 12:06AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/1Qhaj...
Thứ Bảy, 30 tháng 5, 2015
One time I walked in on my brother, masturbating.
We locked eyes for what felt like forever. Then he yelled, "Why the hell are you masturbating!?"...
Stages of man's sexuality [OC]
Puberty: masturbating in secrecy and shame.
Early adulthood: comfortable masturbation in your room and some casual sex with strangers.
First serious relationship: wild sex all the time.
First years of marriage: steady and regular sex.
Marriage after children: masturbating in secrecy and shame.
...
My friend thinks he is smart.
He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face....
Niels Bohr (true story)
a true story (supposedly)
A man goes to visit Niels Bohr, and sees a horseshoe hanging over Bohr's door (a scandinavian superstition).
The man says, "But Niels, you are a scientist! Surely you do not believe in this superstition?"
Niels replies, "Of course I don't believe in it!"
The man is confused. "Why do you have it if you don't believe in it?"
Bohr replies, "It is supposed to work, even if you don't believe in it!"...
A small geographical difference
An elderly man walks in to the famous restaurant Lucas Carton in Paris with his girlfriend. He orders a bottle of Rothschild Mouton 1928. The waiter returns with a full bottle of wine and fill up a small amount in a glass for tasting. The man barely smells the wine before putting the glass down and stating: "This is not a 1928 Mouton!"
Soon, almost 20 people are standing around the table. This includes the chef and the restaurants owner. Every single one is trying to convince the old man that it is, in fact, a 1928 Mouton. The waiter then asks:...
A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.
First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."
"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.
"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."
Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."
"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.
"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."
Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."
"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.
"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"...
A teacher asks his students to make a sentence with the word "contagious"...
...Sally answers, "Viruses are contagious."
"Very good Sally. Anybody else?", the teacher says.
Ben puts up his hand, "When I hear someone laugh, I like to laugh as well, because laughter is contagious".
"Thankyou Ben, that was a good example", replies the teacher.
Then Timmy puts up his hand. "Yes Timmy", asks the teacher.
"My neighbour was painting the outside of his house with a two inch brush, and my Dad said that it would take the contagious."...
Fascinate
Teacher: Can anyone use the word "fascinate" in a sentence?
Billy: I was fascinated by the sunrise.
Teacher: Good, but "fascinated" is past tense. Can anyone else try?
Suzie: It was fascinating to see the flowers grow.
Teacher: Good, Suzie, but you added an "ing" at the end of the word and made it an adjective. I just want to hear the verb "fascinate".
Ernie: Yo mama got a blouse with 12 buttons on it...but she so fat, she can only fascinate!...
EINSTEINIUM
Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner. "Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't...
A monkey was arrested
A monkey was arrested today when he started throwing flaming feces at zoo employees. Three of the zoo employees were rushed to the hospital with turd debris burns....
People Are Freaking Out Over This Amazing Duet Between Jessie J And A Fan
SOMEBODY GET THIS KID A RECORD DEAL.
Jessie J released a video of herself singing "Flashlight" from Pitch Perfect 2, and left space in between for fans to create their own duets with her. Tom Bleasby tried it out, and absolutely CRUSHED IT.
View Video ›
Facebook: video.php
Using a karaoke app by Smule, Bleasby nailed every single note.
vine.co
View Entire List ...
Google’s Quest For Complete Control Of Your Digital Life
Google’s Quest For Complete Control Of Your Digital Life
Today’s keynote suggests Google is poised to surpass Apple when it comes to mobile design.
May 29, 2015 at 11:03AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/1LMSn...
I went to the super market today
I went to the supermarket today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first....
16 Signs You Still Love The Jonas Brothers
For all the future Mrs. Jonas’s out there.
Seeing the JoBro's laugh still makes you instantly smile.
The Walt Disney Company
You still feel like this message is directly for you and only you.
Nickelodeon
You have dreams about Nick Jonas saying this to you, and you'd scream, "YES PLEASE!"
NBC
You also often dream of being in one of their classic videos.
Hollywood Records
View Entire List ...
19 Vicente Fernandez GIFs For Absolutely Any Situation
The king has arrived.
When you think you're opening a love letter from your crush, only to realize it's just a piece of paper with a dick drawn on it by one of your friends.
youtube.com
When you're eating a burrito from Chipotle and a piece of aluminum foil gets stuck to the tortilla, but you don't notice it, so you bite on it with your molars and it hurts real bad.
youtube.com
When you walk out of the house like a boss, but you quickly realize...
15 Pets Who Think You Are The Most Beautiful Person They've Ever Seen
“Do mine eyes deceive me?” These cuties from our Cute or Not app are really impressed by you.
"You are more beautiful than the pristine waves crashing upon this beach."
Ghost / Cute or Not
"My body has grown weak at the sight of your radiant glory."
Kramer / Cute or Not
"At one time in my life this ball of sticks was the most beautiful thing to me. Now, there is you."
Oreo / Cute or Not
"You're like a marvelous forest filled with laughter and...
Thứ Sáu, 29 tháng 5, 2015
15 Times A Beyoncé Song Described Your Entire Life
Post up, #FLAWLESS.
When you get a new outfit and feel on fleek blastin' "***Flawless."
Nothing says "I'm a bad bitch" like a new fit, OK?!
Columbia Records
When a bitch is hating and in your head you're playing "Bow Down" over and over.
Haters will do their thing, but you'll do it better.
Columbia Records
When the sweet smell of summer finally hits and you can't help but feel like the beat of "Baby Boy" was made to match your warm mood.
Ain't nothin' better than some Bey on vacay, haaaay.
Columbia Records
When a potential flame starts talking...
16 Cakes All Metal Fans Need To Bake
Cake can be metal too \m/.
New cookbook, Bake in Black, has raided your record collection for some music inspired baking.
Now you can make desserts based on songs by your favourite rock and metal bands, including these wonderful creations...
Flood Gallery Publishing
Bark at the Moon
Ozzy Osbourne fans will most likely enjoy this chocolate bark with macadamia nuts and astronaut ice cream in the dead of night.
Flood Gallery Publishing
Battenberg...
What Do You Need To Get Over Your Ex?
Learn how to heal your broken heart and then listen to exclusive playlists from country singer (and heartache expert!) Mickey Guyton.
BuzzFeed / ThinkStoc...
16 Emojis All Cat People Wish Existed
When the cat with hearts in its eyes just won’t cut it.
A tub for a bath full of bubbles and shame,
Nathan Pyle for BuzzFeed
a way to open food that's only brand name,
Nathan Pyle for BuzzFeed
and this little toy to practice catching mice,
Nathan Pyle for BuzzFeed
a box the toy came in which is also quite nice,
Nathan Pyle for BuzzFeed
View Entire List ...
18 Adorably Lazy Dogs
#LazyDaysGoals
This little guy who wants to play but just can't.
gifbay.com
And this guy who just gives up on his big toy dreams.
cheezburger.com
This ma'am who won't get up to play...
babyanimalpics.tumblr.com
...and her friend who won't do more than run in place.
babyanimalpics.tumblr.com
View Entire List ...
The curious case of the lost washcloth
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked his mother what was the hair in between her legs?
She responded, "It's my washcloth".
Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again, but while she was in the hospital the doctor shaved her pubic hair, and the boy asked his mother:
"What happened to your washcloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it".
The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth....
This Horse Can Blow Out His Birthday Candles Better Than You Can
He’s not a neigh-sayer!
JD knows exactly what to do to get that birthday wish.
youtube.com / Via youtube.com
Look at that technique!
Via youtube.com
And he couldn't stop smiling after successfully blowing them out!
It really stirrups some emotions, doesn't it?
Via youtube.co...
13 Underrated Pop Songs All '90s Kids Need To Hear
As chosen by Hannah Diamond, singer in the London future pop collective PC Music and a performer this month at the Red Bull Music Academy Festival New York.
ATC - "All Around the World" (2000)
For me this was one of the biggest songs of the millennium! It reminds me of school discos and summer holidays in Spain, and it really doesn't matter that the lyrics don't make much sense cos…la la la la la la.
youtube.com
Kandi - "Don't Think I'm Not" (2000)
This song did pretty well at the time, but considering Kandi worked on the songwriting for TLC's...
man and woman relationship
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex...
An elderly couple gets pulled over by a cop.
The wife is driving, but she has a bit of a hearing problem. The officer notifies her that she was doing 38 in a 25 zone. The wife turns to her husband and asks "What'd he say?"
The husband replies "He says you were speeding!" The wife turns back to the officer and says "Oh, sorry officer." The officer goes on; "License and registration please." The wife again turns to her husband. "What'd he say!?"
The husband, growing irritated, says "He wants to see your LICENSE." The wife replies, "Oh, sorry officer. Here you go." The officer inspects her...
Free shipping?
I walked into an airport with two bags:
"I want this one to go to Chicago, and this one to go to Paris."
"Sir, you can't do that."
"Why not? It happened the last time."...
A cop pulls over his pastor when he notices him swerving...
As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat. Officer says, "brother, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?" "No sir, why would you ask that?" "Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you." "Oh, that's just holy water." "OK brother. So why is it in a bag?" "Well, that is to protect it from the suns rays." "Mind if I take a sip?" "Not at all." As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out... "Brother, this is wine."...
Prom Date
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. There two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time.
When...
Why Jay Z’s Tidal Streaming-Music Service Has Been a Disaster
Why Jay Z’s Tidal Streaming-Music Service Has Been a Disaster
He set out to save the music industry from the economics of streaming, and make himself a fortune in the process. So far, Jay Z is doing neither.
May 29, 2015 at 03:05AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/1HOrG...
16 Times Miley Cyrus Was Right About Everything
She just can’t stop telling the truth.
When she spoke about double standards women face.
When she basically told you that if you want something, go and get it.
When she told you that you don’t need to pretend to be someone else.
Because of this, really.
View Entire List ...
10 Singles With Serious Song Of The Summer Potential
Some bangerz for the beach, bar, and blacktop. What will be this year’s “Fancy”?
Jamie xx ft. Young Thug & Popcaan - "I Know There's Gonna Be (Good Times)"
Electronic artist and producer Jamie xx told Grantland that the inspiration for this near-perfect summer jam came from driving over the Williamsburg bridge from Brooklyn to Manhattan listening to New York hip-hop station Hot 97. “It was perfectly fitting,” he remembers, and from that experience came an instantly likable anthem that defines what summer is all about in only two words: good...
This Guy Took His Terminally Ill Dog On An Epic Adventure Across The Country
From New York to California, this dog had the trip of a lifetime.
Meet Poh, a wonderful, adventurous dog who has recently been diagnosed with a terminal illness. His owner, Neil Rodriguez, decided Poh needed one last hurrah, so they completed an epic bucket list together.
instagram.com
The 15-year-old dog and Rodriguez were ready for an adventure after discovering Poh had inoperable tumors. He introduced himself to the Instagram world and was off from New York to the West Coast.
Caption: "We are going to go South to North Carolina, Texas, Arizona......
Here's What Heaven Looks Like For Cats
SO MANY GOOD BOXES!
LOOK AT ALL THESE BOXES!
gifsboom.net
SO MANY BOX OPTIONS!
gifsboom.net
THE OPPORTUNITIES ARE GROWING BY LEAPS AND BOUNDS!
gifsboom.net
NOBODY HAS TO SHARE!
gifsboom.net
View Entire List ...
The Train Set
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying........''All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we are going down the tracks.'' The horrified mother went in and told her son, ''We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you...
21 Dogs Who Are Having A Really Great Time
They’re just having a great time.
"It's hard to NOT have a great day when you have this many cute freckles!"
Carissa Lindner
"ADVENTURIN' AROUND AND LOVIN' EVERY MINUTE OF IT."
instagram.com
"Everyone said I was too little to fetch this here stick, but I believe in myself!"
Laura Story
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Here's What It Would Look Like If We Took Band Names Literally
This list does NOT include the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
See what mushrooms do to people?
Sophia Elias (author)
The shins in fins!
Sophia Elias (author)
Tame and ~apparently~ self-motivated.
Sophia Elias (author)
As if you had a choice.
Sophia Elias (author)
View Entire List ...
Martina McBride Just Owned A Dude Who Said Female Country Artists Shouldn't Be On The Radio
Go, Martina, go.
Fact: Martina McBride is an incredible country singer. Fact: Martina McBride is also a badass.
Michael Loccisano / Via Getty Images
If you want to make ratings in Country radio, take females out. The reason is mainstream Country radio generates more quarter hours from female listeners at the rate of 70 to 75%, and women like male artists. I'm basing that not only on music tests from over the years, but more than 300 client radio...
13 Cartoon Song Remixes You Need In Your Life
A trap remix of the Barney theme song? Yes, please!
Thanks to Vine, we all know about the Little Einsteins remix.
There are tons of Vines that use this song.
vine.co
But what 'chu know about the "I'm The Map" remix from Dora The Explorer?
w.soundcloud.com
Or the Pinky And The Brain remix?
w.soundcloud.com
Or the remix to Caillou?
w.soundcloud.com
View Entire List ...
19 Dogs Who Said "F**k You" To The World
Dogs who DGAF. NSFW because f**ks.
This dog who doesn't give a fuck about your dragonfly.
This dog who thinks he's a fucking bird.
These dogs who never asked you for a fucking igloo.
This dog who has a fucking big appetite.
View Entire List ...
23 Cats That Took Lazy To A Whole New Level
#caturday forever.
This lounging cat who's got this whole "drinking" thing figured out.
This cat who wanted to take a break from climbing.
instagram.com
This cat who gave up halfway through his meal.
This cat who very clearly can't be bothered.
View Entire List ...
Why did KGB officers always travel in threes?
One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals....
15 Times Chrissy Teigen's Dogs Hit The Doggy Jackpot
Puddy, Pippa and Penny are three lucky buddies!
When Pippa got the best seat in the house.
instagram.com
When they wagoned out...
instagram.com
...and cowboy'd up.
instagram.com
When they got a profesh photoshoot from their mom.
instagram.com
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This Brave Kitten And His Tiny Cast Will Melt Your Heart
Henry is making a miraculous recovery.
Henry the kitten is making an impressive recovery after being hit by a vehicle in Red Deer, Alberta. He now sports the most adorable cast.
“I didn’t think he was going to make it,” Mariah Berini from the Edmonton Humane Society told the Edmonton Journal. “He was unresponsive when he was brought in. He was just hanging on.
“I thought he was passing away. But then he didn’t.”
calgaryherald.com
A GoFundMe campaign...
The Pope and Hillary Clinton
The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy? The joy will not be a momentary display , but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice."
Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand that is possible; show me."
His Holiness then backhanded Hillary and knocked her off the stage! The crowd...
American Cowboys Of The Last Great Horse Drive
The Great American Horse Drive is a two-day event where cowboys guide a gigantic pack of 400 horses across western Colorado.
The event has been happening for more than a quarter of a century and originates at the Sombrero Ranch, one of the last and largest ranches in the region. The horse drive is run by three generations of the Bishop family — men and women who are involved in every step of the process.
As far as these ranchers know, it's the only...
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