Because... she couldn't see that well.
Thứ Bảy, 30 tháng 4, 2016
Naked sunbathing....
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself."
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident...
a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we were destined to meet and be friends for the rest of our days.'
The man replies, 'I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle before handing it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No, I think I'll just wait for the police...'
Doctor, how can I live longer
Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?
Do you smoke? No.
Do you eat too much? No.
Do you go to bed late? No.
Do you have affairs with promiscuous women? No.
Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?
A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw...
He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but the worker on the ground floor can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries to use sign language instead. He points to his eye meaning "I", then he points to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a saw motion. The worker on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock and starts masturbating. The worker on the 5th floor is furious so he runs down to the ground floor and says "what the fuck is wrong with you, I said I needed a handsaw!" The other worker says "I knew that, I was trying to tell you I'm coming."
I saw my friend the other day and he asked, "How did you get two black eyes?"
Me: Well, I was at church Sunday and we stood up to sing a hymn. I noticed that the lady in front of me had her dress up in her butt crack, so I reach over and pulled it out for her. She turned around and slugged me in the eye!
My friend: But, how did you get the other black eye?
Me: I realized how much I upset her, so I reached over and put her dress back in her butt crack.
Three surgeons...
...are discussing what kinds of patients are the easiest for operations.
The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the easiest. Everything inside is color coded."
The second surgeon said, "No, librarians are the easiest. Everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third surgeon said, "No, politicians are by far the easiest. There's no heart, no guts, no spine, no brain, and no balls. Plus, the head and ass are interchangeable."
How one programmer broke the internet by deleting a tiny piece of code
How one programmer broke the internet by deleting a tiny piece of code
The story of how 28-year-old Azer Koçulu briefly disrupted web development around the world shows how writing software for the web has become dependent on a patchwork of code that itself relies on the benevolence of fellow programmers.
April 29, 2016 at 11:30PM
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What's the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to all your devices & access your data, and the other is a hardware standard.
Johnny was sitting in class...
...and the teacher told them they would be dismissed after they matched the quote to the president. She starts with "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Johnny raises his hand, but Sally calls out "FDR"
"Correct!" says the teacher, and lets her leave.
She asks the next quote:
"If slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong."
Johnny raises his hand again, but Sarah calls out "Abe Lincoln"
The teacher lets Sarah leave.
At this point, Johnny is getting pretty pissed off and says "I wish all these bitches would shut up."
The teacher asks "Who said that?"
Johnny yells "Bill Clinton" and runs out of the room.
Thứ Sáu, 29 tháng 4, 2016
A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer...
Came up with this a while back, and found it today. I cleaned it up a bit:
A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer can't take it anymore and decide to commit suicide.
The biologist reviews some data and determines the impact velocity required to kill a human. He then calculates the appropriate drop height using basic conservation of energy, and finds a suitable building. The biologist jumps off, but the wind resistance slows him down just enough that he survives with major crippling injuries.
The physicist, hearing of this, develops a more complex model. He models himself as a uniform cone and uses a second order drag model to account for wind resistance. He obtains a numerical solution for the appropriate drop height, which is a little bit higher than what the biologist had anticipated. He finds a suitable building, and jumps off. On the way down, a strong gust blows him into a tree, and then he bounces to the ground. He survives with major crippling injuries.
The mathematician hears of this and is determined to do it right. He models himself as a non-uniform complex 3D body, and sets up a full-on coupled analysis using the Navier-Stokes equations. To determine the required impact velocity, he uses nonlinear FEA software to model skeletal impact. He then reviews 50 years of local wind statistics and surveys the surrounding area to determine any possible gusts and their respective probabilities. He analyzes an array of scenarios using a supercomputer running the best CFD software, and determines a 99% confidence interval for the required drop height. He picks the highest number and applies an additional 10% margin of safety. Finally, the mathematician finds a suitable building and jumps off. Higher than average ambient temperatures cause a nearby snow pile to collapse and slide right into the impact zone. The snow cushions his fall just enough that he survives with major crippling injuries.
The engineer shot himself in the face.
A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.
The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, ma'am. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
During a class on good manners...
and etiquette being held at an all boys school the teacher says to her students:
“If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the restroom, what would you say to her?”
Little Mike replies: “Wait a minute, I gotta go take a piss.”
The teacher says: “That would be very rude and improper on your part.”
Little Charlie chimes in with his attempt: “I’m sorry. I need to go to the toilet. I’ll be back soon.”
The teacher says: “That’s much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal may come across as unpleasant.“
Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend with whom I hope to be able to introduce you to after dinner.”
The milkman and the baker
There once was a milkman in a village. He was very shy but always very honest. He was always very meticulous about giving a person the exact amount of milk they wanted.
So you could imagine the milkman's surprise when he found a court summons waiting for him at his house.
He was very nervous as he had never brushed up against the law before. So, when the court day came, he put on his best suit, brushed his hair, and went on his way.
When he stepped into the court, he saw the baker in the plaintiff's bench. The milkman went into the defendant's bench and waited for the judge to speak.
"Baker, what is your complaint?" asked the judge.
"Well, here's the situation. Everyday I order a pound of milk. But, whenever I go to weigh it, it's always less than a pound. I want to be compensated for all of the money that was stolen from me by that filthy milkman!"
The judge turned to the milkman and asked, "Well, how do you plead?"
"Not guilty, your honor."
"Is it possible that your scale you use to weigh is not correct?" asked the judge.
"Well, your honor, I am not the richest man so I can't afford the most expensive scale. But I am positive that what I use is satisfactory."
The judge thought for a moment and then asked, "Is it possible that the stones you use as the counterbalance on the scale are slightly off?"
"I don't use stones." The milkman said plainly.
"So, what do you use?" The judge asked, exasperated.
"I use the pound of bread I get from the baker as the counterbalance."
You must be in F**king management!
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!
A Bear and a Rabbit are taking a shit in the middle of the woods...
The Bear turns to the Rabbit and asks, "Hey, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The Rabbit answers, "No, not at all."
So the Bear takes the Rabbit and wipes his ass with him.
Why you shouldn't exercise to lose weight, explained with 60+ studies
Why you shouldn't exercise to lose weight, explained with 60+ studies
More than 60 studies and nine experts explain that the key to losing weight is what you eat, not how much you work.
April 28, 2016 at 09:38PM
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Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said
"You're a lot like a math exam."
I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"
She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."
Thứ Năm, 28 tháng 4, 2016
3 blonde women are on one side of a river...
...wondering how they will get across. The first one decides to pray saying "God please make me smart enough to get across this river." so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second also prays saying "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as the last girl so I can get across this river." So God turns her into a red head and she builds a boat and rows across the river. The third also prays "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as both of those women combined." So God turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge.
3 blonde women are on one side of a river...
...wondering how they will get across. The first one decides to pray saying "God please make me smart enough to get across this river." so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second also prays saying "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as the last girl so I can get across this river." So God turns her into a red head and she builds a boat and rows across the river. The third also prays "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as both of those women combined." So God turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge.
A son walks up to his dad
A son walks up to his dad and tells him: "Dad, did you know in other countries you don't know who your wife is until you get married?"
His dad replies: "It's like that everywhere son."
I haven't had sex since 1956!
A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
Shout out to u/mister_damage
A Jew and Arab walk into a bakery...
The Arab immediately steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"
The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's back pocket....."
The Italian Virginity Test ....
Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin. His doctor says … “Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit: a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel.”
Mario asks … “And what do I do with these things, doc?”
The doctor replies … “Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue.
If she says ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I’ve ever seen!’, you hit her with the Shovel.
Fantastic Fakes: Busting a $70 Million Counterfeiting Ring
Fantastic Fakes: Busting a $70 Million Counterfeiting Ring
The downfall of a legendary team of forgers, whose bogus bills were so good they’re still in circulation.
April 27, 2016 at 08:30PM
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When I see a woman driving a bus
When I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we as a society have come in equality. ` And then I wait for the next bus.
Three surgeons are sitting in a bar...
... getting drunk and talking about the great successes in their careers. The first takes a shot and says, 'I had a a patient, a concert pianist. He severed all ten of his fingers in a freak cooking accident with a very sharp knife. I meticulously reattached them, and within a year, he played a concert for the Queen of England.' The second surgeon hears this, knocks back a shot, and says, 'You think that's something, listen to this. I had a patient that lost both his legs and his left arm in a freak combine accident. I reattached all three limbs and a year later, he won a triathlon gold medal at the olympics.' The third surgeon sits back and laughs. He buys a round of shots, and says, 'That's nothing. Get this. I had a patient, the man was an equestrian. Well, one day, he was out riding and he lost track of where he was, and he and his horse were hit by a freight train. After the accident, all I had to work with was his toupee and a horse's ass, and today... That man is winning the US Republican presidential primary.'
Hitler pun
"Sir, we're mining too many useless minerals."
Hitler: "So mine less."
Grammar Nazi busts in. "MINE FEWER."
(Hitler looks up) "Yes?"
Another version of that Ireland joke
This is a repost, it's just that joke reminded me of this joke about a black boy.
He accidentally knocked a bag of flour off the shelf and it went all over him.
His mom came in the kitchen and he decided to make a joke of it. "Look Mom, I'm white!" he said.
His mom slapped him across the cheek. "I can't believe you just said that boy, go tell your father what you just said."
Surprised and a little hurt, he walked over to his Dad in the TV room and said "Hey look Dad... I'm white!"
When his Dad heard that, he flat out punched the kid. Square in the face. The kid was shocked and confused. The Dad said "Boy that's the worst shit I've ever heard, go and show your grandma what you did and tell her what you said.
So the kid begrudgingly walked upstairs and walked into his Grandma's bedroom. "Hey Grandma look, I'm white..."
...and his Grandma just pummeled him. Relentlessly. So hard that both the kids' parents had came upstairs to break up the beating.
They all stood around him and asked him "Yeah well how do you feel about making that joke now?"
The kid just looked up at them and said "...Well I've only been white for 10 minutes, and I hate all you niggers already!"
Thứ Tư, 27 tháng 4, 2016
Drunk As Hell....
Three men had a very late night drinking.
They left in the early morning hours and each went to their home. The next day, they all met for an early pint and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. And I don't even have insurance!"
The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"
The room was silent for a moment.
Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand...
Chunks is my dog."
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"????
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
My wife is mad at me...
W: "I can't believed you fucked my sister!"
M: "She was just lying on the table when I got to work. Stark naked, looking incredibly hot! What was I supposed to do? I'm just human!"
W: "Performed the fucking autopsy!"
Two Muslim Brothers
Two Muslim brothers come to America and have a contest to see who can become more Americanized. A month later they get together and one proudly says "I took my son to a baseball game and we ate hot dogs!" The other replies "Fuck you, towelhead!"
Sexual Harassment joke....
Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
A man runs into a bar...
A man runs into a bar, and demands to the barkeep: "Quick! How tall do penguins grow?"
"About two foot sir" replies the bartender
"Shit. I've just run over a nun."
Why So Many Smart People Aren’t Happy
Why So Many Smart People Aren’t Happy
It’s a paradox: Shouldn’t the most accomplished be well equipped to make choices that maximize life satisfaction?
April 26, 2016 at 11:08PM
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Dead Again
During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
Happy Hour
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a cup of coffee. The bartender replies: "Two cents."
The guy thinks it's a joke and asks: "Ok, how much for a beer?"
Bartender replies: "Two cents."
The guy gets angry: "And the steak dinner? How much?"
Bartender replies again: "Two cents."
The guy has had enough of the joke and says: "Can I speak to the manager?"
Bartender replies: "No, he's upstairs with my wife."
Guy: "What is he doing with your wife?"
Bartender: "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
A Muslim boy moves to Ireland...
... On his first day of school his teacher asks, "What is your name?"
"My name is Mohammed" the boy replies.
"You live in Ireland now, Your new name is Mike" says the teacher.
The boy smiles and has a good time in his classes.
After school the boy returns home and is greeted by his mother.
"How was your first day at school, Mohammed?" his mother asks.
"I live in Ireland now, my new name is Mike!" The boy replies.
His mother becomes infuriated, "Have you forgotten where you came from? Your heritage? You have disgraced your ancestors!"
and his mother beat him and when his father comes home from work he does the same.
The next day the boy returns to school and his teacher sees his fresh bruises.
"Mike! What happened?" asked the teacher.
The boy replies with a grimace "Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman I was jumped by two fucking Arabs!"
Thứ Ba, 26 tháng 4, 2016
To whoever stole my thesaurus...
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person.
A young couple finish their first date...
...and are heading back to their hotel room. As the man is about to open the door, the woman halts him and says, "Look, I can tell how you make love just by the way you open that door."
She continued, "For instance, my last date thrust the key into the lock and barged the door open. That showed to me that he was rough when making love, and I don't like that."
She paused for a second to recollect her thoughts and then continued, "and the date before spent ten minutes poking around trying to find the lock, and that showed to me that he had no experience, and I don't like that either."
She then fixed her eyes onto the man and asked, "So how do you open the door?"
"Well," the man replied, "first I lick the lock!"
My great Grandpa Randy was a brick layer...
He said, "I was a brick layer for 20 years and no one called me 'Randy the brick layer.'
Then I farmed for 25 year and no one called me 'Randy the farmer.'
But you fuck just one goat.
What Would Happen If We Just Gave People Money?
What Would Happen If We Just Gave People Money?
Basic income is not a single idea but a family of closely related ideas. But the core motivation — to address social ills by just giving people money — has a long history.
April 26, 2016 at 12:44AM
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A priest giving confessional really has to take a piss...
... so he grabs the janitor and drags him into the confessional booth. "Can you fill in for me for a minute?"
"What?"
"Just listen to people, give them 10 hail Mary's, and send them on their way, it's easy," says the priest, and he runs to the bathroom.
A woman comes in on the other side of the curtain. "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have committed countless sins of the flesh, I love sucking cock."
The janitor says, "well, just, uhm, say ten hail Mary's and you shall be forgiven."
"No father, you don't understand! I live for sucking cock, I give out multiple blowjobs to strangers every day, I need more than just hail Mary's!"
Confused, the janitor leans out of the booth, stops a passing altar boy, and whispers, "Hey, what does father O'Mally usually give out for blowjobs?"
The boy says, "Two Snickers bars."
Thứ Hai, 25 tháng 4, 2016
Hillary Clinton was being driven in a private limo to a rally...
... when suddenly, the car hit a large and old-looking cow.
The driver got out and checked to see if it was dead. After confirming the death, he saw the tag on it that said it belonged to a nearby farm. He told Hillary Clinton that he would be going over to the farm to tell the farmers what happened.
About an hour later, he returned. His clothes were messed up, he was covered in lipstick, he had an expensive cigar in his mouth, and in both hands were two full bottles of the most expensive champagne ever.
"What happened?", Hillary asked.
"When I went to the farm, they eagerly invited me in. Then, the husband gave me this cigar, the wife gave me the wine, and their two daughters gave me the best sex of my life!", the driver said with a huge smile on his face.
"What did you say to them?", Hillary asked.
"I said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I just killed the old cow', and the rest happened so quickly I couldn't do anything!"
Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have H2O," says the first.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.
A man takes his dog to the vet...
The vet picks up the dog and looks at him. After a moment he turns to the man. "Sir," he says, "your dog is healthy but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down."
"Why?" the man demanded.
The vet replied, "Because he's heavy."
An Irish Lumberjack
A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.
The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the Irishman.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the Foreman. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman's door.
"I cut the tree down," said the Irishman.
"Holy smokes!" Said the Formean. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the Irishman.
Confused, the Forman asked "...don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"
"Is that what they call it now?"
Cat with mental disorder
The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.
She now have 45 lives.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar....
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
- The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
- The bouncer is a blonde girl
- I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
- The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A man escapes from prison
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!
The Average Webpage Is Now the Size of the Original Doom
The Average Webpage Is Now the Size of the Original Doom
Today the average webpage is about the same size, data-wise, as the classic computer game "Doom," according to software engineer Ronan Cremin.
April 25, 2016 at 03:08AM
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A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.
He'd only have sex with the lights off.
The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.
However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.
She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.
There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated: "You have some explaining to do."
The husband looked her dead in the eye and said: "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".
A woman goes to the Doctor
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem? The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.” Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".
Two gay men were
...on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill.
"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve.
"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Steve stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill.
So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."
Forgive me Father for I have sinned
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
Chủ Nhật, 24 tháng 4, 2016
A husband leans over
and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground .
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, thinks I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence..."
A man is sobbing into his beer...
It being a slow night, the bartender asks him what's wrong and offers him some sympathy.
The man responds "My roommate says I should quit drinking, last night I came home and I blew chunks all over the living room."
"Harsh," the bartender replies, "But that's hardly a reason to quit drinking."
"No man, I blew chunks in the kitchen, I blew chunks on the stairs, I blew chunks in the bathroom, I blew chunks EVERYWHERE."
"I'd hate to agree with your roommate, seeing as how that means less business for me, but maybe he's got a point. That's an awful lot of vomit to have to mop up..."
"No, no, you don't understand," The man sobbed, "Chunks is my Dog."
The Boyfriend and the Old Dog.
A boyfriend is having his first dinner at his girlfriends house with her parents. Things are going great when the women leave the table to give the men some time to talk. Suddenly, the boyfriend feels bloated and is trying to not fart in the dead silence. The family dog, Duke, is sitting under his chair and he gets an idea. He slowly lets one go when the father yells "Duke!". The plan worked and he lets a louder one go. "Duke!" the father says again. The boyfriend finally decides to go for broke and lets out as much as he can. "DUKE! Get out from under that chair before that boy shits on you!"
An old couple gets in the mood.
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
A black guy walks into a convenience store...
And says, "I'm looking for a job."
The store owner replies, "You're in luck! We have an open position that pays $100,000 per a month!"
The black guy says, "You're joking."
The store owner says, "Well, you started it."
A British man, a French man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.
The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scared. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain.
The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy.
While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?"
The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy."
The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?"
The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
The Future of Technology Is In Your Ear
The Future of Technology Is In Your Ear
The hassle. The annoyance. Our headphones tangled with lint from our linty pockets. Yet as a product, the headphone could be the sleeper technology of the future.
April 24, 2016 at 12:37AM
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom..
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
A multi-millionaire is dozing in the back of his limo....
Suddenly, the car swerves off the road, bumps across a couple of rocks, works its way across a muddy field, crashes through a barn and runs over a couple of traffic signs at a crossing before ending up back on the road. "What the hell was that about?!" the millionaire shouts at his driver.
"Sir, there was a small kid on the road"
"Fuck small kids! Next time, run them over!"
"Well I tried, but he ran for it!"
Thứ Bảy, 23 tháng 4, 2016
Screaming Waitress
I was drinking at a local bar last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”
I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.”
Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.
A panda walks into a bar...
A panda walks into a bar.
He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night.
The bartender motions to a young woman.
She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place.
After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.
The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house.
"You owe me money," she says.
"For what?"
The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."
The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."
The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up."
She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary.
The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."
A farmer is transporting donkeys across the interstate.
He is driving at a brisk but legal pace when he was suddenly pulled over by a two state troopers.
The first trooper says, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
The farmer looked at him, puzzled, and replied, "Yes, as a matter of fact, I was going five miles below the speed limit!"
The first trooper angrily looks over at the second and says, "You told me he was speeding!"
Flustered, the second officer replies, "No no no, I said he was hauling ass!"
a husband is about to die...
he goes out with his friends to give them the bad news. he tells them he has an announcement to make
-" i wanted to thank you guys for being there for me, i want to inform you that i have AIDS and i will die in a week. "
everyone was devastated cried and left with their heart a little broken.
when the man arrived home, he told his wife everything. after finishing she screamed:
-"AIDS! why did you tell them you have AIDS? you have cancer, not aids!"
the man turns to his wife and says.
-"im going to die, but im going to make sure no one goes to bed with you too".
Joe the Train Conductor
Joe, a train conductor, was driving his train when he fell asleep at the controls. The train suffered a terrible crash and only those in the front of the train survived. Joe was put on trial for the negligent homicide of nearly a hundred people. He was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
When asked what he'd like for his last meal, he replied simply with "A banana, if you will." The prison guard shrugged, got a banana, and gave it to the poor man. Joe ate the banana in regular fashion and braced himself for death. He was seated on the chair, fastened in, and was ready for what was about to happen.
However, after the electricity was activated, nothing happened. The guard was astonished. Not knowing what to do, he simply let Joe go.
A few days later, Joe was back to work conducting trains. Shortly after his return, he managed to derail yet another train, again killing nearly a hundred people but surviving the crash. As before, he was charged and found guilty of multiple negligent homicides. Again, he was sentenced to death by electric chair.
It was the same prison guard as before. He was surprised to see Joe again but held his tongue, for the man was about to die and it would be rude to question him. "What would you like for your last meal, sir?" Joe respond as he did last time: "A banana, if you will." The prison guard shrugged, got a banana, and gave it to the poor man. Joe ate the banana in regular fashion and again braced himself for death. He was seated on the chair, fastened in, and was ready for what was about to happen.
The electricity was activated and Joe was prepared. But, as before, he was unhurt. The prison guard checked for any malfunctions but found nothing, not believing the entire situation was possible. Now even more incredulous than before, and not knowing what to do, the guard let him go.
Joe was, against all odds, alive and was incredibly still allowed to continue his job as a train conductor even though he was responsible for the deaths of almost two hundred people.
He was thankful to be allowed to continue his job but also scared. He would try to drive more carefully from now on. However, this effort didn't help much, as the very next train he was conducting, he managed to somehow crash. He was the only survivor of the train, which again contained over a hundred people. He was again charged, and again found responsible for the deaths of over a hundred people. He was sentenced to death by electric chair.
The prison guard was the same, the meal was the same, the procedure was the same. After giving Joe the banana, the guard was silent. He couldn't bring himself to say anything, all he could do was prepare the chair.
Joe sat in the chair, expecting death. The guard activated it and, again, Joe was unscathed. The prison guard couldn't contain himself. He simply had to ask, "Sir, how did you manage to crash a train 3 times? And how did you survive the chair 3 times? Did the banana have something to do with it?"
Joe paused for a moment. Then he replied: "No, I suppose I'm just a terrible conductor."
Meet WhiskeyDigg: A Curated Whiskey Club From Yours Truly
Meet WhiskeyDigg: A Curated Whiskey Club From Yours Truly
If there’s one thing Digg loves more than puns, it’s whiskey. Every week we have a whole-company hang called WhiskeyDigg where, you guessed it, we hang out and try good whiskeys. This subscription lets us share our favorites with you.
April 23, 2016 at 12:59AM
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Thứ Sáu, 22 tháng 4, 2016
I met an older woman in a bar last night...
She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'
A new look for /r/jokes
We've hit 6 million subscribers, and so we'd like to roll out our new CSS! It was made by yours truly, and I'd like to thank /u/soul_shot and /u/tizorres for all their assistance
There have been a couple things added in the design:
-
A complete face lift: /r/jokes has a more modern look and feel.
-
Making it look like a comedy club. The bricks and glowing neon sign are examples of that.
-
Cleaner submit and comment pages as well as submission and comment views
Please note: if you find any bugs please let us know which OS and browser you are using, a screenshot would be preferred so we know exactly what you are referring to.
Right now, the below is on stuff I will be fixing and/or adding in a future update.
-
More robust RES Support, including a nightmode
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Fixing that shifting logo
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More consistent color scheme/fonts
TIFU by trying to be witty at the airport...
The TSA confiscated my protein powder asking "Are you planning on building any bombs with this substance?"
I replied "No, only guns."
3 blondes walk into a police station...
...looking for a job as a detective. They meet with the police chief who says "I'm going to show you a side profile mug shot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him."
He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says "He's only got one eye". The police chief responds, "No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one eye."
He shows the picture to the second blonde and she says "He's only got one ear". The police chief again responds, "No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one ear."
He shows the picture to the last blonde and she says "He wears contact lenses." Perplexed, the police chief looks through the file and sure enough, the man wore contact lenses. He says "That's oddly correct. How did you know that?"
The blonde responds, "Well with one eye and one ear, he can't be wearing glasses."
Prince Dead At 57
Prince Dead At 57
The musical legend's body was discovered at his Paisley Park compound in Minnesota early Thursday morning.
April 22, 2016 at 12:34AM
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Three friends die and go to heaven
(Change the names in this if you want to)
Three friends die and go to heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them, giving them the usual spiel that everyone gets when they're about to enter, and as they are walking in he says " By the way, I almost forgot the new rule. Whatever you do, don't step on a duck." The three friends think this is an odd rule, but they agree to it and step in.
The second they enter they realize that the final rule might be harder to follow than they thought. Heaven is TEEMING with ducks! Try as they might, they quickly realize that avoiding the birds is going to be a difficult task. And then it happens, "QUACK!" Friends Two and Three look over in shock as Friend One steps on a duck. Quickly, an angel rushes over with one of the most unattractive people the three of them have ever seen. "Because you stepped on a duck, you are condemned to spend the rest of your time in the Kingdom shackled to this person. Have a good eternity." The angel shackles the two together and flies off.
After seeing what happened to Friend One, the other two are more wary of the consequences and begin treading extremely lightly. The two of them make it another three days before, on the dawn of the fourth day, a loud "QUACK" is heard. Friend Two looks to Friend Three, wide-eyed, fearing the worst. The angel rushes over, ties Friend Two to a hideous being, and flies away.
The third friend, now petrified that this will be his fate, becomes incredibly paranoid, barely walking anywhere. He lasts one week, two weeks, but on the beginning of the third week, an angel brings one of the most stunningly beautiful people the friend has ever seen, shackles the two of them together, and flies off. Bewildered and excited, Friend Three proclaims, "Wow! What did I do to deserve this?" And the person the friend is shackled to turns and replies "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck!"
Thứ Năm, 21 tháng 4, 2016
A DEA officer walks on to ranch in Texas...
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"
Post turtles.
An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his cattle farm.
He and the doctor start into conversation, which leads into politics.
The old farmer explained, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked what a 'post turtle' was. The old farmer explained as best he could, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle on top, that's a 'post turtle.'
The doctor remained puzzled. The farmer continued further.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him there to begin with."
Why Is 4/20 Associated With Weed
Why Is 4/20 Associated With Weed
4:20 PM on April 20th (aka 4/20) is considered *the* time to get high. But why? It has nothing to do with Hitler's birthday, and everything to do with a group of high school stoners.
April 21, 2016 at 03:24AM
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An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.
Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where, if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.....
"Don't touch!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
Sleepy Juror in a Rape Trial
The plaintiff's lawyer calls his client to the stand.
Lawyer: "Would you please tell the jury what your attacker said to you, just before he raped you?"
Woman: "Oh, I couldn't. It was filthy."
Lawyer: "How about if you just write down, so you don't have to say it out loud, and we'll show it to the jury?"
The woman complies and writes down on a piece of paper what her attacker had said: "I'm going to fuck you like you've never been fucked before."
The bailiff hands the note to the foreman, and the note is passed from person to person among the jury. Juror #6, a woman in her mid twenties, starts to hand the note to the Juror #7, who has fallen asleep. She elbows him awake and give him the note. He reads the note and then sticks it in his shirt pocket.
The judge says, "Juror #7, would you please share that note with the rest of the jury?"
The man responds, "It's personal, your honor."
Buying Condoms....
A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?"
"Sure. What size are you?"
"I don't know," he replies.
"Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter."
A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.
Later, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"
The cashier replies, "Sure. What size do you need?"
"Well, I don't know."
"Allow me to check for you," she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom, "Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter."
A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.
Some time later, a eighteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the checkout counter and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?"
"Yep," she says. "What size do you need?"
"I don't know," he says nervously.
"Allow me to check for you," she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom, "Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter."
A man deposits $1000 cash into his bank account every day
The bank employees start getting a little suspicious and tell the manager about the customer. The manager tells them to let him know next time he makes a deposit. Surely enough, the next day, he comes with 1k in cash to deposit into his account. The tellers tell the man that the manager would like to see him. The manager, who sits in a giant glass office on the bank floor, welcomes the man and then asks him how he gets $1,000 to put in every day. The man tells him "well, I make a lot of bets and that's where all the money is from." The manager doesn't believe how he can make all that money just by betting, so the man says "okay then, I bet you $1,000 I can bite my eye."
"bullshit! That's impossible." Says the manager, and places $1,000 on the table.
The man takes out his glass eye, bites it, and takes the money. "Okay, that's not fair to you. You didn't know I had a glass eye. I bet you double that I can bite my ear!" The manager thinks that it's impossible and is desperate to make his money back. "Deal."
The man then takes out his dentures and bites his ear. The manager is embarrassed and upset he's lost all that money on a stupid bet. The man notices this and says "Okay, you seem upset. I'll make it up to you fair and square. Tomorrow I'll come back and I bet you $5,000 I can guess what color underwear you're wearing."
The manager thinks this over and sees that there's no way the man will be able to guess and agrees. He later goes shopping for the craziest, most colorful pair of underwear he can find. The next day, the man is back in the manager's office. The manager goes "Alright then, try and guess what color I'm wearing. I'm more than certain that you'll never be able to."
"White." The man says.
The manager jumps up, takes the money, and yelps "AHA! WRONG!" and pulls down his pants to reveal rainbow colored underwear.
The man jumps up and yelps "AHA! I WIN!"
The manager is confused and says "what are you talking about? You guessed wrong and lost the bet."
"Yeah, I lost that bet. But I also bet all your employees out there watching that I could get you to pull down your pants."
Thứ Tư, 20 tháng 4, 2016
John wins best toast of the night
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
An elderly couple Margaret and Bert live in Arkansas.
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Arkansas.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife ‘Notice anything different about me?’
Margaret looks him over, ‘Nope.’
Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time ‘Notice anything different NOW?’
Margaret looks up and says, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.’
Furious, Bert yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?
‘Nope’ she replies.
‘IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!’ Bert yells.
To which Margaret replies…”Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.”
The Untold Story of Magic Leap the Worlds Most Secretive Startup
The Untold Story of Magic Leap, the World’s Most Secretive Startup
The world’s hottest startup isn’t located in Silicon Valley — it’s in suburban Florida. Wired's Kevin Kelly explores what Magic Leap’s mind-bending technology tells us about the future of virtual reality.
April 19, 2016 at 07:40PM
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My Grandpa said to me the other day "Your generation relies too much on technology"
I replied, " no your generation relies too much on technology" then I unplugged his life support. Stupid asshole
A dog goes into a telegraph office
A dog goes into a telegraph office, takes a blank form, and writes: “Woof Woof. Woof Woof. Woof Woof. Woof Woof, Woof.”
The clerk examines the paper and politely tells the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
The dog looks confused and replies, “But that would make no sense at all."
Thứ Ba, 19 tháng 4, 2016
I just summarized the jokes I liked best in a recent Askreddit thread. Have fun!
I hope that's fitting in the Subreddit. If not, leave a downvote please.
-Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular.
-I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings - its a complex complex complex.
-I have an L shaped couch... Lower case.
-I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
-A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.
-I, for one, like Roman numerals.
-You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
-I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, because it was just collecting dust.
-I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was, and then it dawned on me.
-Am I the only one who realizes that blackboards are truly remarkable?
-I told a woman that she painted her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.
-so what if I can't spell Armageddon, it's not the end of the world.
-Inspecting mirrors is a job I could easily see myself doing.
-You know, the shovel really was a ground-breaking invention.
-A dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
-The guy who invented autocorrect has died… restaurant in Piece
-light a fire for a man and he'll be warm for a night, light the man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
-Why is it so hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs? Because they take everything literally.
-Dwarves and midgets have very little in common.
This was Actually Said..
This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Lets go to the symphony
Beethoven: You guys want some symphonies tonight!?
Crowd: cheers loudly
Beethoven: I can't hear you!
A Priest takes a walk down to the docks one day
and runs into a fisherman that attends his church. Upon hearing that the priest has a few hours off the fisherman invites him out to sea to fish with him.
Out at sea it doesn't take long for the fisherman to realize that the priest has no idea how to fish, so he gives him some quick instruction and shows him how to cast his bait out into the water. Within moments the priest manages to reel in the largest fish that the fisherman has ever seen. In the moment of excitement the fisherman exclaims, "Look at the size of that Son-of-a-bitch!"
Immediately the priest becomes disturbed and says, "My son, please don't use such language."
The fisherman, embarrassed and hoping word of this gaffe will not reach the rest of his family, makes up an explanation in a moment of ingenuity, "Oh no father, that's the name of that type of fish, a son-of-a-bitch." He lies, taking advantage of the priests fishing naivete.
The priest is pacified, and begs forgiveness for jumping to conclusions. The fisherman, relieved, brings the priest back to the docks and drops him off.
The priest lumbers back to the church, with the giant fish in his arms. Upon entering the church he sees the bishop and approaches him, "Bishop, look at the size of this son-of-a-bitch I caught!"
The bishop stands wide-eyed a moment, "Priest, how could a man as holy as you use such language in the house of God?"
The priest calmly explains that it is the name of the fish, and the bishop feeling embarrassed for jumping to conclusions offers to take and clean the fish for the priest.
After cleaning the fish the bishop takes it to the maid in the kitchen and tells her, "Maid, I want you to cook this son-of-a-bitch for me."
The maid blushes and responds, "Bishop, it may not be my place to say so, but is such language fitting for a man of your stature?"
The bishop laughs haughtily, explains that it's the name of the fish and that he too had made the same mistake only minutes earlier. The maid laughs too, apologizes and cooks the fish.
It just so happens that the Pope decided to stop in for dinner at their church that evening. They are all sitting at the table when the pope says, "Oh, my children, I know that gluttony is a sin but I simply can't stop myself from eating this fish. I must know, where did you get it?"
"I caught the son-of-a-bitch." Said the priest.
"I cleaned the son-of-a-bitch." Said the bishop.
"And I cooked the son-of-a-bitch." Said the maid.
For a moment the pope sat silently, staring at them all wide-eyed. He then slowly removed his hat, kicked off his sandles, put his hands behind his head, kicked his feet up on the table and said, "You know what? You mother fuckers are alright!"
The Absurdity Of Steph Curry's 3-Point Shooting Visualized
The Absurdity Of Steph Curry's 3-Point Shooting, Visualized
Charting the 752 top 3-point shooting seasons by players since 1980 emphasizes just how impressive Curry's 402 3-pointers this season were.
April 18, 2016 at 07:34PM
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Kid vs barber
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
I crashed into a dwarf at some traffic lights
He got out of his car and said "I'm not happy." I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
Barack Obama is having a race with Joe Biden around the white house.
After finishing the race Obama says "Whew, just under 10 minutes. Did I break the record?"
Biden replies "No, Bush did 9:11."
People are so unreliable
Waited in all day for someone to come and fix my broken doorbell, but they never turned up.
Thứ Hai, 18 tháng 4, 2016
My friend Dave drowned yesterday
his funeral is on Wednesday. I've made him a wreath in the shape of a buoyancy aid. It's what he would have wanted.
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus is watching you.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot. “Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?” “Moses,” replied the bird. “Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses?’”
“The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus.’
Is online shopping better for the environment than going to the store?
Is online shopping better for the environment than going to the store?
The Internet often saves a trip to the store. But what’s the rise in online shopping doing to the environment?
April 17, 2016 at 11:22PM
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A Man is driving down the road with his...
A man is driving down the road with his wife in the passenger seat when he gets pulled over by the cops. The police officer comes up to the car and says "Sir. You were going 65 in a 55, I'm going to have to give you a ticket for that." To which the wife replies "He was going at least 70!" The man says nothing, he just shakes his head at his wife.
Next, the cop says "Also, you're not wearing a seatbelt and I'm afraid I'll have to give you ticket for that." To which the man replies "Sir. I saw you coming up to the car and I took my seatbelt off so that I could get to my wallet." The wife says "Harry. Don't be silly, you never wear your seatbelt." The man says nothing, he just shakes his head at his wife.
Next, the cop says "Sir... Your tail light is also out. I'll have to ticket you for that." The man replies "Sir please, I just did a full inspection on my car this morning and everything was fine. The light must have just gone out." The wife then says "Oh Harry, you've known about that light for three weeks now."
At this point, the man loses his temper and begins to yell at his wife, calling her a number of names and insults. This goes on for some time and when it finally stops, the police officer looks at the wife and says "Ma'am. Does he always talk to you like this?" to which she replies "No. Just when he's drunk."
Alcoholic Horse
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “you’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?”
The horse ponders for a minute and responds, “I don’t think I am”, and poof he disappears.
This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, “I think, therefore I am.”
But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Chủ Nhật, 17 tháng 4, 2016
A boy grows up with an outhouse...
He's in bed one night and thinks to himself,
"This is bullshit! It's 2016, we're the only ones with an outhouse!
Once it rains and the river floods some, I'm pushing it in."
The boy wakes up for school the next morning and see that it rained a bit, enough for the river to rise enough for him to push the outhouse into it.
After a day at school, he steps off the bus and his dad is sitting on the porch.
"Son, someone pushed the outhouse into the river."
The boy knows he's caught,
"...George Washington told the truth about cutting down the cherry tree, and he didn't get in trouble!"
His dad looks at him,
"Well, was George Washington's dad in the fucking cherry tree?!"
So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer...
The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves she a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves she a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer.
Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression, until the woman says:
-- What, have you never seen a naked woman before?
-- That I have, miss. I'm wondering where you're keeping the money to pay for the beers.
3 ladies are celebrating in a bar..
3 ladies are celebrating in a bar. The bartender asks the ladies ''what are you celebrating about?'' The ladies reply ''we finished a puzzle in only 6 months even though on the box it said 4-6 years.''
I killed a kid while stationed in Afghanistan
So me and my buddies asked a village elder if we could buy a kid as a joke. We didn't think he'd actually sell. $200. So we bring him back to our patrol base then realize...we can't keep this fucking kid. What will we do with him? So we decided we had to get rid of him. Cut his throat, drained all his blood, then butchered him like he was a deer. Threw him on the grill and ate him. Goat meat isn't bad. Kinda chewy.
A Fully-Portable Desk Made For All You Techies Out There
A Fully-Portable Desk Made For All You Techies Out There
This sleek workstation is designed to handle all your tech essentials (laptop, phone, mouse and tablet) and has an integrated handle for traveling anywhere from the airport to the park.
April 16, 2016 at 08:39PM
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A couple of Irishmen are walking down a country road . . .
They see a sign that says "Tree Fellers wanted".
One of them turns to the other and says, "Dammit. Too bad there's only two of us."
Thứ Bảy, 16 tháng 4, 2016
A guy walks into a bookstore...
A guy walks into a bookstore and asks the assistant, "Hey, do you know if you guys have the new book for guys with short penises?"
The assistant says, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
Guy says, "Yeah, that's the one!"
First day on the job
A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window.
For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver, but I've been a hearse driver for the last 25 years!"
An Asylum Tour
A benefactor by the name of John is touring an asylum to see how it is being ran. Occasionally, he sees an unusual patient and stops to talk.
The first man he comes across is grabbing the sides of his head and making a marked twisting motion. Concerned, John asks him what he's doing. Well, sir, the patient says "I'm trying to get my head screwed on tight so I can get the fuck out of here."
The second patient, upon seeing John, sudden pulls down his pants and shits in his hands. He then proceeds to mold it into a cube. He looks at John, and without prompting, says he is 'getting his shit together so he can get the fuck out of there'.
Surprised, John moves on until he sees a young man with his dick in a bag of peanuts. Unnerved, he asks the young man why he's doing this. "Well, gosh, sir. I'm fucking nuts and I'm never gonna get out of here."
The Mystery of the Two Hillarys
The Mystery of the Two Hillarys
Indira Lakshmanan covered Hillary as a candidate, and then as secretary of state — and says she was like two totally different people.
April 15, 2016 at 06:29PM
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A guy goes to a supermarket to buy food...
A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter. The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier.
Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I do, it's at home," says the man. "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier.
The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. "Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here." The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm," she says. "Yes, that's right," says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."
A young girl goes to a priest to confess...
"Forgive me father, because I have sinned", the girl said.
"What did you do, my child" the priest replied
"Well, I told a guy he is a bastard"
"And why did you do that?"
"Well, because he touched me..."
"Like this?" And the father started touching the girl.
"Yes like that"
"But that's no reason to call someone a bastard, isn't it?"
"No" she replied "But then he started to touch my boobs"
"Like this?" And the father started touching the girl's boobs
"Yes like that father" she moaned silently
"But that's no reason to call someone a bastard, my child"
"But then he started to take off my clothes"
"Like this?" He asked while removing her clothes
"Yes like that!"
"But that's still no reason to call him that"
"No, but then he put his you know in my you know..." the girl said
"Just like this?" And he started to put his you know in her you know...
"Yes Father, Yes yes yes father" screamed the girl
(after a couple of minutes)
"But that's still no reason to call him a bastard" the priest said
"But then he said he had AIDS!"
"Fuckin' bastard"
Thứ Sáu, 15 tháng 4, 2016
I am Pierre
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
Our hero stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
A mexican kid tells D. Trump:
I want to be President! Trump says: are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of tour mind? Are you retarded? Kid says: you know what, never mind those are too many requirements.
Why is Pokemon quite realistic?
Because in the games, Bug-types are effective against Dark-types. Just like malaria in Africa.
Grammar Nazi.
"Sir, we are mining too many useless cores" [Hitler rubs chin] "So, mine less. [Grammar Nazi bursts through the door] "MINE FEWER!" [Hitler looks up] "Yes, soldier?"
Guy applies for a job as a Prison Officer
The interviewer says Hello, can I offer you a coffee before we start?" The guy says "No thanks, I don't drink coffee. The interviewer asks "Is there anything about you that would hinder your ability to do your job?" The guy says "I have no testicles, I lost them in Kabul, but this shouldn't stop me performing my duties as a Corrections Officer". The interviewer is impressed with the remainder of the interview and offers the candidate the position. He says "The hours are 0800 to 1700, but you may as well come in from 1000 til 1700. The guy asks why and the interviewer says "Well, for the first two hours we all stand around scratching our balls and drinking coffee, and there's no point you coming in for that.
A man is in court for murder
So a man is in court and is suspected of murder. His defense lawyer is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court
"In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed".
The defense lawyer counts down from ten and everybody looks to the door. Nothing happens.
" Ah ha!" says the defense "you all looked to the door, therefor I conclude that their is reasonable doubt in this case and ask that my client be found not guilty."
The jury then deliberates. After twenty-five minutes they return the verdict of guilty. "But you all looked!" Says the lawyer. "Yes," says the Jury, "but your client didn't."
Meet The King Of Sports Conspiracy Theories
Meet The King Of Sports Conspiracy Theories
For Brian Tuohy, the truth is simple: All the major US sports have been rigging their own games for decades and continue to do so unimpeded. More to the point, this fact has been covered up thanks to the eager collusion of both law enforcement agencies and the sporting media.
April 15, 2016 at 01:27AM
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A Texan walks into an Irish bar...
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Thứ Năm, 14 tháng 4, 2016
fight club
I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meeting
Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school.
Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"
A woman goes to the doctor...
A woman goes to the doctor with a raspberry in her left nostril, a string bean in her right, a carrot in her right ear and a banana in her left. The woman says
"Doctor, I don't fell so well."
And the doctor replied
"Well for one thing, your definitely not eating correctly."
Marriage jokes
Marriage jokes The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
So a guy walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer
The loan officer comes over immediately.
“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.
“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.
The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.
So, the man holds out his hand and opens his palm, saying, “These are the keys to my car, which is sitting out front.”
“Here are the documents, as well,” he says as he hands over a tiny stack of papers.
The loan officer peeks out the window and sees a brand new Ferrari parallel parked directly in front of the bank.
“One moment, please.”
The loan officer walks into a back office to consult with the president of the bank. Everything checks out.
So, after sharing a laugh with the president at this man leaving a $750,000 car as security for a $5,000 loan, the loan officer returns and tells the man that they will happily accept the Ferrari.
An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank’s underground garage and parks it.
Two weeks later, the man returns and pays the $5,000 plus interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer smiles and says, “Sir, we are very happy to have your business. This transaction has worked out very nicely.”
Then he adds, “But to be honest, we are a little bit puzzled.”
“While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. So what puzzled us is why you’d bother to borrow $5,000?”
The man replies, “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for just $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
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