I hate having sex in the bath....
Thứ Ba, 31 tháng 5, 2016
I used to own a racing snail...
It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish...
Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' So then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.' Terribly impressed by what...
Jake is driving in the desert...
And he's driving wildly. He's doing tons of doughnuts to pass the time. Suddenly, his car stops. Jake checks and realizes that he's out of gas. And nowhere near civilization. And without water.
Realizing he needs liquids for the trek ahead of him, so he searches his car for something. The only thing he finds is his poisonous windshield wiper fluid. To at least have something, Jake decides to take it with him.
And then the journey begins.
So he walks...
And walks...
And walks...
Eventually, he gets too exhausted to walk, so he crawls...
And crawls...
And...
A black man and his son are on an airplane going across the ocean when they hear the captain's voice coming over the speakers.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some bad news. One of our engines has gone out. We still have 3 working fine, but in order to make it across the ocean, we will have to dump all the luggage. It will be picked up by boats and returned to the airport where you can pick it up. Sorry for the inconvenience."
Well, then about 15 minutes later, the captain comes on again.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some more bad news. We just lost another engine. Since we already dumped the luggage, we will now have to drop people. You will be given...
Jewish Bra
A young Jewish man walks into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York. He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife size 34 B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and...
Texas floods leave 6 dead
Texas floods leave 6 dead
Rain is devastating Southeast Texas in unimaginable ways. Six people are confirmed dead, others are missing, and cities are being torn apart by damage.
May 30, 2016 at 10:00AM
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A man in his backyard...
After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer.
As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"
To which Jesus replies,"You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy."
The man asks,"Jesus, why is life so hard?"
To which Jesus replies,"That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many obstacles to be successful."
The man asks again,"How was the universe created?"
Jesus replies,"I'm sorry,...
A man comes home to his wife from his job at a relish factory one day...
He has a confused, lost look on his face, so his wife asks what's wrong.
The man turns to her and says, "I've been having the strangest urge at work lately."
His wife, being the caring woman she is, asks "What is it."
The man sighs and says, "I keep wanting to put my dick in the pickle slicer."
The woman stifles a laugh tells her husband not to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
A few weeks go by, and the man only wabts to put his penis in the pickle slicer more and more, so he goes to his manager, to ask for help, and the manager refers him...
Thứ Hai, 30 tháng 5, 2016
My grandfather once told me, "Your generation is too reliant on technology."
My grandfather once told me, "Your generation is too reliant on technology."
So I replied, "No, your generation is too reliant on technology!"
Then I disconnected his life support....
Capitalization...
Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse....
Penguins and the cop
Credit to u/Akatheerder
A police officer is parked by the side of the road. He sees a pickup truck drive by and it's full of penguins. The officer flips his siren on and pulls the truck over.
He approaches the window and asks the man, "Sir, what are you doing with these penguins?"
"Well they're my pets, officer," the man replies.
"I'm afraid you'll have to take these animals to the zoo," the officer says, and leaves.
The next day, the police officer is parked in the same spot. He sees the same truck drive by. Now all the penguins are wearing sunglasses....
I have a gun by my bed.
So in the event of an intruder, I can shoot myself to avoid having to interact with a human being....
An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup
The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.
"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.
But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.
So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed...
Two Jewish men..
Sid and Al, were sitting in a Indian restaurant in New York . Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in India ?'
Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.'
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?'
The waiter said, 'I won’t be knowing, but I will ask the Chef .After he returned from the kitchen a few minutes later and said, 'No sir, no Indian Jews.'
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?'
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with...
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”...
Two firefighters are fucking
The chief walks in on two of his firefighters having vigorous sex.
He shouts: Hey what the hell are you two doing?
One of the firefighters: Chief, you don't understand, he suffered some serious smoke inhalation.
Chief: Thats not how you treat smoke inhalation. The first step is mouth to mouth.
Firefighter: How do you think all this started?...
In 1839 an Arab man made the first condom
The condom was made of goat intestines. In 1844, a British scientist revolutionized the condom by removing the intestines from the goat first...
The unending quest of the Hoax Slayer
The unending quest of the Hoax Slayer
Thirteen years ago, Brett Christensen was the victim of an email hoax. Since then, he’s dedicated himself to preventing the same fate for others.
May 30, 2016 at 03:25AM
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Cockpit duties...
Years ago on a long AA flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit.
When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were.
She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.
She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the captain he was responsible for everything on...
*rubs a lamp*
rubs a lamp
Genie appears and asks for a wish
"I don't wanna die virgin"
*Genie grants immortality...
Little Johnny lives with his mother on a farm...
One day he comes running in and screams: "Mommy, Mommy, the bull is fucking the cow!" His Mother slaps him hard and says: "We don't use language like that in this house, the next time it happens, say 'The bull is surprising the cow.'" Rubbing his cheek, Little Johnny walks away.
A couple of days go by and Little Johnny runs in again, screaming "Mommy, Mommy, the bull is surprising all the cows!", his Mother turns around and says "That's not possible, he can't be surprising all the cows at once" Little Johnny says: "Yes he can, because he's fucking...
Chủ Nhật, 29 tháng 5, 2016
So a Black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder...
The bartender says "Wow, that's something real special you've got there! Where'd you get it?"
"Africa!", says the parrot....
My 5 year olds painful twist on a knock knock joke.
I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"...
A man walks into a bar...
... and upon entering it declares "Trump supporters are assholes."
A second man gets up from his barstool and yells at the first man from across the bar "Hey! I take offense to that!"
"Are you a Trump supporter?" inquires the first man.
"No," the second man replies, "I'm an asshole."...
Pinocchio [NSFW]
Pinocchio is making love to his human girlfriend, when she cries, "Stop, Pinocchio, please stop!"
Pinocchio asks, "What's wrong, baby?"
"You're too rough."
Pinocchio thinks for a moment, then says, "I'm sorry, I'll try to be a little more gentle..."
She responds, "No, you don't understand. You're too rough. I'm getting splinters down there."
The next day, he's telling this to Geppeto. "You really gotta help me fix this..."
Geppeto replies, "Head down to the toolbox, in the bottom drawer is some 220-grit sandpaper. That should fix the problem."
A...
Seeing eye dogs.
A man with a German Shepherd goes into a pub and sits down at the bar. The bartender says "Sorry, you can't bring that dog in here." The man replies "But this is a seeing eye dog!" The bartender then says "Well, okay then, I guess it can stay".
After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they're going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. The first man says "The bartender won't like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it's a seeing eye dog and then it'll be okay". The second man looks dubiously...
Have Mercy on Your Bank Account — The Full House House is For Sale
Have Mercy on Your Bank Account — The Full House House is For Sale
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go, there's an excellent real estate opportunity in San Francisco laden with childhood nostalgia.
May 28, 2016 at 10:47PM
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A joke told by an old man.
I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america.
Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get.
Me: Sucks you can not do that today!
Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . ....
Puppy Love (NSFW)
A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit...
Thứ Bảy, 28 tháng 5, 2016
Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.
Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks,
"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean...
An engineer quit his job and decided to open a clinic...
He hung a sign saying," I will cure your illness for $500 otherwise, if I fail to cure it, I will pay you $1500."
A doctor was curious and assumed that he could easily exploit this, so he walked into the clinic and told the engineer,“ I have lost my taste."
Upon hearing this, the engineer told his assistant to get a tablespoon of kerosene and give it to the doctor. When he tasted the kerosene, the doctor spat it out and exclaimed," That was terrible!"
The engineer smirked and replied," That would be $500." The doctor paid and left grumbling
Still...
A man is driving a car through the woods...
Suddenly, he stumbles upon a frog and he immidiately stops. He leaves his car, and the frog thanks him for stopping and offers him 3 wishes. The man is confused, but eventually he has these 3 wishes:
I want a huge house
I want a basement full of money
I want 2 women in every room with big boobs.
The frog claps, and hops away. Man goes to his home, and he has something to see: huge house, with his name on the mailbox. He enters it and in all rooms there are women waiting for him, he rushes to his basement to see it full of money. After a few...
Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.
What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?
He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"
Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like....
A married man goes into a confessional...
A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box.
He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was...
The secret life of Kim Jong Un’s aunt, who has lived in the U.S. since 1998
The secret life of Kim Jong Un’s aunt, who has lived in the U.S. since 1998
For the past 18 years, since defecting from North Korea into the waiting arms of the CIA, she's been living an anonymous life with her husband and three children.
May 28, 2016 at 12:43AM
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I Farted...
I farted infront of my Jewish friend and he got offended, i shrugged and said "what? A little gas never killed anyone"...
The Fart
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his hometown and then left for Manhattan. "Soon he was invited to give a speech in his hometown. As he placed his papers on the lectern they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he farted, and the microphone amplified it throughout the room. He was embarrassed but regained his composure to deliver his paper. As he concluded, he raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.
Decades later when his elderly...
Remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents said, "I'll give you a reason to cry"?
I always thought they were gunna hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later....
Thứ Sáu, 27 tháng 5, 2016
A professor at the University was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any...
How many "friend zone" guys does it take to put in a light bulb?
It doesn't matter how many. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. Edit: Credits to Drougen for making it better....
A man is walking along...
when he sees a ladder going straight up into the clouds. His curiosity gets the better of him so he starts climbing.
He reaches a cloud, upon which is sitting a stout, ugly woman.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she says.
No thanks, thinks the man, so he climbs the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud is a slightly thinner woman, who is a bit easier on the eye.
"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she says.
"Well," thinks the man, "might as well keep going."
On the next cloud is another lady who this time is very attractive.
"Screw...
A girl comes crying into her mother's home
and says "He dumped me, I guess I'll never have sex with a boy again". Her mother asks the girl to follow her to the bathroom. From a hidden cupboard, she pulls out a pink dildo and gives it to her.
The girl angrily says "A dildo? I have to use a stupid toy to please me?"
"Its a magic dildo dear," says her mom calmly "just say the words 'Great Magic Dildo' followed by where you want it to please you and it will do the job."
So the girl goes to her house and says "Great Magic Dildo vagina." The dildo immediately goes flying to her pussy, tears...
Pedro was driving down a street when...
Pedro was driving down the Panjim street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will give up gambling and womanising too!!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pedro looked up again and said," Never mind, I found one ! Sorry I bothered you !!"...
I was flirting with this teenager on the internet...
...after a while, she tells me she's an undercover cop.
How cool is that for someone her age?...
an old man died and was delivered to the local mortuary.....
... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her...
A body builder takes off his shirt.
A blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!"
He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!"
He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!"
He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!"
He then removes his underwear and the blonde runs off screaming in fear. He puts his clothes back on and chases behind her. He finally catches up with her and asks why she ran like that.
She says, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"...
How John Hinckley Lives Now
How John Hinckley Lives Now
He drives a Toyota. He eats fro-yo. He shops at PetSmart. You just might run into him.
May 27, 2016 at 12:38AM
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Two Jews walking down the street
Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door.
CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM GET $50!
"$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!"
"Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It could be a scam, tell you what, I will go and do it, we'll see if this deal is real."
Aaron goes into the cathedral and David waits outside.
Finally, after an hour passes, Aaron comes out of the cathedral.
"So? Was it a scam? Did you get the $50??," asks David.
Aaron replies, "Is...
Medical Miracles
A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to contact Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.
Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!' She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened...
I lost my watch at a party once...
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch....
Thứ Năm, 26 tháng 5, 2016
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she...
He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room...
He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.
Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, “Just relax.”
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily.
My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn’t care.
His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands...
Three women worked in the same office...
Three women worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, the boss left work early.
One day, the women decided that when the boss left they would leave too.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, had some playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her...
What is a pirates least favorite letter?
Dear Sir/Ma'am We are cutting your internet connections for the following reasons: 1. Illegal downloading.
Thank you, and have a nice day....
A group of accountants and a group of engineers take a trip together on a train
The 3 accountants each buy tickets, but the 3 engineers only buy one ticket to share. "How do you think that's going to work?" asks one of the accountants. "You'll see.", an engineer responds.
As the train leaves the station, all 3 of the engineers pile into a bathroom and when the conductor knocks on the door, one arm comes out through a narrow crack in the door to give him the ticket.
The accountants all agree that this is a great way to save money, so on the return trip, the accountants only buy one ticket, but the engineers don't buy any tickets....
So This Dude Is Definitely Sleeping While Autopilot Drives His Tesla, Huh?
So This Dude Is Definitely Sleeping While Autopilot Drives His Tesla, Huh?
Tesla's Autopilot is designed to be used with the driver's supervision, but that didn't stop this Tesla owner from embracing the future and taking a quick snooze.
May 26, 2016 at 02:46AM
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A man went to see a shrink
He entered the room and remained standing by the door. "I'm here because my wife treats me like a dog" the man said. "Ok" the shrink replied, "Come and sit on this sofa and we can talk some more about this problem". "No, i can't" said the man... "I'm not allowed on the sofa"...
Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......
She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.
Monica says "That's not a clock".
To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it"....
The only gorilla at the zoo dies...
...right before the zoo opens. The gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention...
Go away bee, don't bother me.
A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don't swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it, because seeing is believing....
A man lies naked on the beach...
But because his private parts aren't as tanned as the rest of his body, he place a hat on it. A few minutes later a lady walks by, fully nude. The lady jokinly said to the man "Well, if you were a gentleman, you would raise your hat for me..." The man answered in return "Well, m'lady, the hat would raise itself, if you weren't that ugly."...
Thứ Tư, 25 tháng 5, 2016
Wendy was a prostitute.
Wendy was a prostitute and didn't want her granny to know.
One day police came across the brothel that she worked at and ordered all prostitutes to stand in a line, so that they could take their names one by one.
Suddenly, granny comes along and notices Wendy in the line which was now leading outside, and so she walked up to her and said.
"Wendy dear, why are you standing in this line full of prostitutes?"
Wendy lied and told granny that the police were giving out free oranges, and she wanted some.
"That's nice." Said granny and so she went to...
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen...
Embarrassed and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, that was just an insect."
To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"...
My friend Tommy drowned the other day...
At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.
It's what he would have wanted......
A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...
after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.
"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.
"Yes there is," he replies. "I would like some breakfast"...
A teacher asks her class to use 'contagious' in a sentence
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.
"Our mean next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious....
Extreme Sexual Exhaustion
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."...
A mother has 3 kids
A mother has 3 kids.
The first kid goes up to her mom and says, "Mommy, why I am I named petal?"
The mom responds, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The second child goes up to her mom and says, "Why am I named Rose?"
The mom says, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head
Finally, the third child comes up and says, "My favorite color is potato."
"SHUT UP BRICK"...
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes...
Do Trump and Clinton Matter?
Do Trump and Clinton Matter?
Despite the fact that this election looks like it might be one of the most unique ones in history, polling numbers are starting to resemble those of Obama and Romney. Does it really matter who's running?
May 24, 2016 at 07:41AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/1TSLb...
A man walks into a library ...
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that new book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah that's the one!"...
Thứ Ba, 24 tháng 5, 2016
The most offensive Jokes ever 1
WARNING - Please don't read if you are easily offended.
What sound does a newborn make when you're fucking it in the ass?
I don't remember, I was too busy laughing!
What do you call a gay guy in the World Trade Center on 9/11?
...
...
A faggot.
What's the best thing about fucking a 9-year-old girl?
Flipping her over and pretending she's a 9-year old boy.
Why is there no black character in the game "Clue"?
Because then it would be called "Solved".
What's better than winning a silver medal at the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.
What's worse...
The sky was blue, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I...
The sky was blue, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I.
Her hair was brown, her eyes baby blue, I knew exactly what she wanted to do.
And so, with courage, I did my best and laid my hand upon her breast.
Her face was light, her body fine, I ran my finger down her spine.
I trembled in shock, I felt her heart, slowly she spread her legs apart.
I knew she was ready... but I didn't know how, for this was my first experience at milking a cow....
"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?"
"I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."
"That's not going to work."
"Why not?"
"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."...
If you're an astronaut..
and you don't end every relationship with "I need space" then you're just wasting your time...
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed...
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!...
Four hundred miles with Tesla’s autopilot forced me to trust the machine
Four hundred miles with Tesla’s autopilot forced me to trust the machine
The KITT-like auto-cruise and auto-steer are equal parts mesmerizing and disturbing.
May 24, 2016 at 01:43AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/25g84...
An Atheist...
Walks up to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh."
The Atheist asks, "who is the greatest Jewish baker of all time? Hitler. He made over 60,000 Jews toast."
God looks at him and says, "A holocaust joke? That is not really funny."
The atheist replied, "Eh, I guess you should have been there."...
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm...
50 of the most offensive jokes
You may have already seen a few, these are my personal favorites:
1_What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer? I give a fuck when my computer crashes.
2_My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.
3_What do you call a five year old with no friends? A sandy hook survivor.
4_Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.
5_What's the worst thing about...
Thứ Hai, 23 tháng 5, 2016
A frog hops into a bank
and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains...
A teacher asks her 2nd grade class...
"Who's a Trump fan?"
Not wanting to look stupid for not knowing what that meant, they all raised their hands except for Johnny.
"And why aren't you a Trump fan?" she asked, used to Johnny always trying to be different.
"Because I'm a Sanders fan" he replied.
"And why are you a Sanders fan?"
"Because mommy and daddy are"
"And if mommy and daddy were idiots, what would that make you?" she asked
"A Trump fan"...
A sheepdog
.... gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer:
"All 40 accounted for"
"But I only have 36 sheep" says the confused farmer
"Yeah I know" says the sheepdog. "I rounded them up"....
One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the top scientists in the world...
One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the top scientists in the world.
On the way there, he tells his driver, that looks a bit like him, "I'm sick of all these conferences, I always say the same things over and over!"
The drivers agrees, "You're right, as your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein "Lets switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein,...
A cop pulls over a 90 year old woman...
He exits his car and walks up to the old woman's window.
"Do you realize how fast you were going?"
"No." She answers, looking forward, making no eye contact.
"Twice the speed limit! Ma'am, can I see your license and registration?"
"I can't give you my license," she answers.
"Why not?"
"I don't have a license"
"What about your registration, ma'am?"
"I can't give you that, either." she responds, still looking forward.
"Well, why not?"
"This isn't my car, I stole it."
Confused now, the cop asks "Do know who owned this vehicle? Where did you steal...
Two Hillbillies
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked...
A Bad Day
A Bad Day
There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance....
A science graduate asks the question why?
A science graduate asks the question why?
An engineering graduate asks the question how?
An arts graduate asks, "Would you like fries with that?"...
Dumbest kid in the world...
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead...
The obsessive amateur code-breakers hoping to crack the Zodiac killer’s cipher
The obsessive amateur code-breakers hoping to crack the Zodiac killer’s cipher
The Zodiac Killer left behind more than just death, terror, and a horrific legacy. In his wake lies a series of coded messages that may point to his identity.
May 23, 2016 at 03:31AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/1Rhvn...
A beloved UPS man was moving away in his local neighborhood and he was doing his last deliveries...
the first home he went to a red head answered and gave him a card and a hug saying how much he will be missed and the best of luck! He gave her the package then and moved onto the next house. A brunette opened the door and kissed him on the cheek and a card saying he will be missed and the best of luck! The UPS man then gave her the package and went to his last house he had to deliver. A blonde opened the door, grabbed him by the collar and took him to her bed where they had wild sex all night. The next morning, the UPS man was sitting at her...
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole...
I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fuckin boat" I thought to myself....
On a first date:
Her - So what do you do?
Me - I am currently working on eliminating all cancers.
Her - Wow, that's impressive!
Me - Then I'll move onto Capricons....
Guess My Age
A woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, she says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says, feeling really happy.
After that, she goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, she...
A man was caught by a cop with drugs in the bathroom
The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"
"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"...
A blond was pulled over
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's rectangle and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a rectangle mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror,...
Chủ Nhật, 22 tháng 5, 2016
So how about a real joke about Bulgarians for a change?
A flying saucer beams up a German engineer, an Indian guru and a Bulgarian. The three of them are informed by an alien in a lab coat that standard procedure when contacting an unfamiliar species is to subject them to the standardized intergalactic intelligence test.
"You will be put in an airtight vault for three minutes," says the alien. "It's 3x3x3 meters and completely empty. You'll be given two balls made of a superstrong titanium alloy and no tools. Do something in the vault that will convince us that you're more interesting to us alive than...
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.
Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school.
The robot slaps the son
Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda!
The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies!
The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son.
The robot slaps the mom......
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said," I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away.
"The distressed owner wailed, " Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador...
A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant.
As the food was served, the husband said- 'the food looks delicious, let's eat.'
Wife: 'Honey.....you pray before every meal when eating at home'
Husband: 'that's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook.'...
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped...
The Genie In The Lamp
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.
He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said: "You have released me from my lamp… This is the eighth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of granting all of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get ONE wish. What's it going to be?"
The man sat and thought about it for a while before finally saying, "I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m too scared to fly and I get very seasick on boats. Could you build me a bridge...
The cheating wife...
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?". The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman...
Trees seen resting branches while ‘asleep’ for the first time
Trees seen resting branches while ‘asleep’ for the first time
For the first time, trees have been shown to undergo physical changes at night that can be likened to sleep, or at least to day-night cycles that have been observed experimentally in smaller plants.
May 22, 2016 at 12:27AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/1TZiQ...
How do you know if a Chinese person robs your house?
Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the fucker is still trying to back out of your driveway....
A man ordered for a voice automated robot car
A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.
He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.
One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.
The man agreed and said to the car... Car, go and bring my children from school.
The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.
Several hours later and no car, the...
A woman asked a general the last time he has had sex...
A woman asked a general in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general and said "well you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"...
A Mexican magician says...
...that he'll disappear on the count of three.
"Uno... dos..."
POOF!!
He disappeared without a tres....
Thứ Bảy, 21 tháng 5, 2016
some people are like slinkys
They really aren't good for anything but it feels great when you push them down the stairs....
(a little nsfw) Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car...
...when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most...
Had a trip to the Docs
I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said “Can u describe the symptoms?” I said “Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair”...
Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.
The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.
The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.
The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."...
A vegan buddhist...
...decides to jump off the roof of a meat factory as the ultimate form of protest believing that he will be reincarnated. He became a vegetable....
A magicians last trick
A magician stood in front of a crowd. "For this last trick I will make myself appear in 100 different places around this very room" said the magician. The crowd watched in disbelief. "3...2...1...abracadabra". Yet the magician was still there. "Hmm let me try that again 3...2...1...abracadabra". Nothing. The magician starts to panic and checks his handbook for the instructions. "Ah ha!" says the magician. "I wasn't saying the correct magic word". He stands in front of the crowd again and says "3...2...1...ALLAHU AKBAR". Then with a sudden explosion...
A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans...
"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"
"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"
"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"...
Three vampires walk into a bar
The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"...
Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake.
For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished...
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