It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again....
Chủ Nhật, 31 tháng 7, 2016
"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.
"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."...
10 catholic priests all die in a bus accident....
When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter acknowledges them.
He sees that they're all priests and immediately says, "If any of you are paedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!"
9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.
St. Peter calls after them,
"AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"...
6 people in a plane
3 kids, a teacher, a lawyer and a Catholic priest.
The plane is going down and there are only 3 parachutes. The lawyer runs over and grabs one.
Teacher: what about the children!?!
Lawyer: fuck the children!
Priest: is there time?...
My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"
I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!"
Then I unplugged his life support...
It was only three times... promise.
Sam was very ill and it looked like the end might be approaching so he calls his wife Becky near. Sam says to her, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start a business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then...
The New York Times is our guest editor this weekend. See what stories they picked.
The New York Times is our guest editor this weekend. See what stories they picked.
Digg Editions gets you the most out of the internet with top news and the most interesting stories handpicked by our editors
July 30, 2016 at 08:21PM
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The widow ask the doctor "Why did my husband die?"
Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am"
Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!"
Doctor: "I know, but I did"...
My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up...
A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?’ ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer. ‘Nope,’ replied the man. ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer. ‘But it’s only £500,’ replied the man. ‘Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!’...
Thứ Bảy, 30 tháng 7, 2016
Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!
Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!" Father: "That's great son. Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter" father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister. "The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ... Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great son. Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't...
On his death bed, an old Jew says to his wife:
Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.
When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.
And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.
I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah....
A married couple was in a terrible accident...
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the...
A guy asked a girl in a university library...
..."Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!” All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy stood and whispered...
I got caught fapping...
while sniffing my friend's sister's underwear yesterday. It wouldn't have been so bad if she wasn't still wearing them at the time. He went fucking ballistic. Sure as hell made the rest of her funeral really awkward....
an Irish daughter...
had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £5 million."
"For...
You Should Be Terrified That People Who Like “Hamilton” Run Our Country
You Should Be Terrified That People Who Like “Hamilton” Run Our Country
The American elite can’t get enough of a musical that flatters their political sensibilities and avoids discomforting truths.
July 29, 2016 at 11:36PM
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A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls...
and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked...
An old man walks into a bar...
...and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a tennis ball.
"I have to ask, sir," says the bartender. "Without sounding rude, what happened to your head?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then...
Ted Was Worried... [LONG]
Ted, my friend and colleague for many years called me and told me he was worried his wife was having an affair.
"I think she's having an affair with Greg from sales" he told me.
I asked him "what makes you think that?
"Ah, well" he explained "Whenever my wife has a coffee, she mixes in a teaspoon of honey, then takes a sip and says "mmm, just like mama used to make""
I nod
"So when I went to the break room, i saw Greg, and he made himself a coffee..."
I nod
"...and he takes a teaspoon of honey and mixes it in, then he looks me straight in the...
New Father
A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."...
Thứ Sáu, 29 tháng 7, 2016
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... and the masochist says: "Meow."...
Two nuns are biking back to their convent
after a long day out nunning about in the community.
They take a different route than normal, and after a while, one says to the other: "You know, I've never come this way before."
The other replies: "Yes, it must be the cobblestones"...
An Australian, and Englishman, and a Japanese guy are shipwrecked...
An Australian, and Englishman, and a Japanese guy are shipwrecked after their cruiseship sank.
After they compose themselves, the Englishman takes charge of the situation.
He turns to the Australian: "alright chap, I think I shall go down the beach to search for food, shelter, supplies... you know, things that will keep all 3 of us alive until we are rescued."
"No worries." The Australian replies. "You go up the beach, I'll go down the beach and look for supplies."
They turn to the Japanese man.
The Australian says to him: "maybe you should head...
My Most Favorite
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrived...
Dentist
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted...
A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara [NSFW]
A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara on a camel. On the third day, the camel dies with little warning. As they dust themselves off, the nun and priest appraise their situation. After a long silence, the priest states: 'Well, sister, this looks to be pretty serious.' 'I know, father. As a matter of fact, I don't think it's likely for us to survive more than a day or two.' 'I agree' affirms the priest. 'Sister, since we likely won't escape here alive, could you do something for me?' 'Anything, father.' 'I haven't seen breasts and I was wondering...
The secret to wealth
A young man once asked a rich older man how he earned all his money. The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, "Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had."
"I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spent the whole day shining that apple until it gleamed like the sun, then I took that apple to the market and sold it for two cents."
"The next day I took those two cents and bought two more apples. I shined those apples all day and all night until they were...
Confessor. Feminist. Adult. What The Hell Happened To Howard Stern?
Confessor. Feminist. Adult. What The Hell Happened To Howard Stern?
Scattered among the gleefully vulgar mainstays are now intimate exchanges that have made Mr. Stern one of the most deft interviewers in the business.
July 28, 2016 at 09:56PM
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Some Things You Just Can't Explain....
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you...
My boss phoned me and he wasn't happy.
"You're late!" he yelled. "We've got an important meeting in ten minutes!"
I said, "I'm on my way to my car as we speak."
He said, "Do you think you'll make it?"
I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."...
On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The...
Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned.
The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.
Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asks,...
Thứ Năm, 28 tháng 7, 2016
Once, in an African village....
Once, in an African village, a native man walked up to a missionary with a look of fury on his face. "My wife gave birth today," the native growled, "and the baby is white! And you're the only white person within 100 miles of here! "
The missionary glanced around guiltily for a moment but quickly regained his composure. "Look at those goats over there," the missionary said, pointing at the village's livestock. "All of them are white, except for that black one over there. Sometimes nature works in mysterious ways. "
The native's eyes widened, and...
The difference between before/after getting hired
When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.
It went like this:
ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new
Timmy: If there is too much work, I'm going to quit...
ABC: We'd NEVER let something like that happen
Timmy: Do employees get every Saturday and Sunday off?
ABC: That's a granted.
Timmy: Are employees required to work overtime without pay?
ABC: No way. Where did you even come up with such a ridiculous...
Facts of life
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he’d be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."...
The Lawyer's dog
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation...
A teacher was giving a math lesson...
...and she asked one of her students, "If you had two dollars, and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"
The student replied, "Two dollars."
"Not quite," the teach responded. "Sounds like you don't know your addition.
"No," the student said, "you just don't know my father."...
A man comes home from work...
A man comes home from work and he finds his wife furious at him.
She screams "Why did you sleep with my sister while you were at work!?"
He replies "Well she was lying on the table, naked, and you know she's an attractive woman, so what did you expect me to do?"
"Perform the autopsy."...
"Mom, i'm in the hospital."
"Jeremy, you have been a doctor for 8 years now please stop starting every phone conversation with that."...
Here's a New Reason Bees Are Dying At an Alarming Rate
Here's a New Reason Bees Are Dying At an Alarming Rate
A new study from the Institute of Bee Health, published by Proceedings of the Royal Society B, finds that a common insecticide —presumably created by humans — suppresses the male honey bee’s ability to produce sperm.
July 27, 2016 at 07:39PM
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A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it.
So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest. Somehow the professor heard about the plan. In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes £2000 per night." All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."...
A teacher calls her first grade class
from recess. She goes up to little Sally and asked, "Sally, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So she spells the word right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Billy. "Billy, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box with Sally." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'box' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So he spells it right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Mohammed from recess....
A lawyer, laying on his deathbed..
... in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible.
Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it. As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting left and right.
Curious, his wife asked, "What are you doing, honey?" "I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted....
A guy walks into a bar and sits down.
Bartender asks: "What can I get you?"
Guy says: "Jack and coke"
Bartender nods, goes under the bar, gets up, and puts an apple on the bar. The guy says, "I ordered a Jack and coke, what the hell is this." Bartender says "Just try it." The guy takes a bite and says to the bartender: "Holy shit this tastes just like Jack Daniels!" The bartender says "Turn it around." Guy turns the apple around, takes another bite and says "Holy shit this tastes just like coke!"
Another guy comes into the bar, sits near the first guy.
Bartender asks: "What can I...
A backpacker is in the Scottish Highlands, when he comes upon a bar in a seaside village.
He decides to go into the bar. There is one other person there, an old, burly man.
"Yer see this bar here? I built this bar with my bare hands, chopped the finest wood in the county, with the finest nails, but do they call me McGregor the bar builder? No."
points out the window
"Yer see that wall over there? I built that wall with my bare hands, found the finest stones and laid them with care, but do they call me McGregor the wall builder? No."
points out other window
"Yer see that lighthouse there? I painted and built that lighthouse, used the...
A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...
After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..
"It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"
"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.
With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"...
Guy gets on a city bus...
and sits down next to a really hot girl. The bus bumps and her glass eyes falls out of its socket and the guy catches it. To repay him for catching her eye and due to the awkwardness she invites him to dinner and a movie and after that they went back to the guys house and had great sex! In the morning the guy looks at the girl and asks: "Do you usually hang out and have sex with random strangers"? She replies: "No, You just happened to catch my eye"!...
Thứ Tư, 27 tháng 7, 2016
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop...
A bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside, asking the driver - "will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?" The bus driver shakes his head, "no, I'm sorry, it won't" he says. The other blonde leans inside and asks, "how about me?"...
Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening...
One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him, "Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!"
He responded by saying "How's about 5 dollars?", jokingly, and kept walking.
This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the prostitute, she would offer him her services for fifty dollars, and he would decline and say he'd only pay five. One evening, however, Hillary asked if she could come along on the walk with him, and Bill reluctantly agreed, nervous about what Hillary would say if the prostitute...
A girl saw a guy scratching his testicles in public.
Girl : how can you scratch your private parts in public? I can never dare to do any such thing.
Guy : That's because you don't have the balls to do it....
A blonde woman was speeding
down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,...
If God were an engineer...
3 Engineers are sitting at the bar, having a conversation along the lines of "If God were an engineer, what kind of engineer would he be?"
The Mechanical Engineer: "Obviously he was mechanical. Look at the joints, the complex range of motion, the connective tissue. Mechanical Engineer for sure!"
The Electrical Engineer: "No way. Electrical. Look at that brain! All the nerves, neurons, every little electrical impulse that ties it together! Must've been Electrical!
The Civil Engineer: Takes a sip of his drink. "Nope. I can say for a fact that the...
A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...
The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She...
Watch Michelle Obama's Scene-Stealing DNC Speech
Watch Michelle Obama's Scene-Stealing DNC Speech
On a day marked by vocal anti-Hillary protests by delegates, Michelle Obama's prime time speech stole the show.
July 26, 2016 at 07:17PM
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Little boy has diarrhea and tells his mom he needs viagra
Mom replies " What the hell for?" Boy replies "Isn't that what you give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"...
A man wakes up in a dingy slum,
with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.
"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."
All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands...
An english boat is sinking near the German coast
The english operator contacts the German control. "This is UK120, We are sinking, I repeat, We are sinking".
The germans respond: "What are you sinking about?"...
A pirate's wife asks him what body part he'd be most okay with losing
The pirate thinks and replies, "my spine!"
"Why?" says his wife, a little surprised
"Because it's holding me back!"...
The meaning of life....
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed...... On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time...
First Day On The Job
Steve just got a job at the beverage factory and is getting a tour from the manager on his first day. The manager spends this time explaining the different assembly lines.
"Over here," the manager says, "is the lemonade assembly line. we take the product, package it up and prepare it to ship. To the right we're canning juice concentrates. On this side we have the soda line, bottles and cans and such."
"Wow, you guys produce a lot of drinks," says Steve.
"You bet, name a drink and we probably have an assembly line for it."
"Do you have a punch...
Car or Haircut
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been...
Thứ Ba, 26 tháng 7, 2016
There's a boy named Bonnie...
There's a boy named Bonnie.
He's made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he's become very shy.
But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.
She says yes, and he's so happy.
After years of dating, he works up the courage to ask her to marry him.
She says yes, and he's so happy.
When their first child is born, a girl, he lets the wife name her, because he still feels so lucky and fortunate just to be with her.
The wife names the baby "Love".
Love grows up and now she starts to be made fun of...
Money makes every thing...
A girl missed her period 2 months ago,her mom took her to the clinic for pregnancy test of which it was positive.Embarrased, her mom said; who is the pig that got you pregnant? The girl picked up her phone and made a call, an hour later,a young handsome man drove in Ferrari to the girl's house. Good evening, the man greeted. Your daughter told me the problem in the house. I can't marry for now because of my family issue, but I promise I will take care of her for the rest of her life, and if she gives birth to a girl,I promised to buy her a mansion,...
Blonde guy gets home from work...
Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting.
"Honey! Help! I'm having a heart attack!"
He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son and daughter tell him:
"Dad! Uncle Terry's upstairs! And he's naked!"
He slams down the phone, sprints back up the stairs, runs past his wife and opens the wardrobe. Sure enough, there was his brother crouching in the corner naked.
"WHAT THE HELL TERRY! My wife's having...
WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY..
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary...
Late for School
Mother: "Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school."
Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too."
Mother: "Yes, you do."
Victor: "Give me one good reason."
Mother: "Because you're 34 years old, and you're the principal."...
My wife phoned me, panting and breathless.
"Where are you?" she moaned.
"I'm at the pub." I replied.
She said, "I think the baby's coming!"
I said, "Well, he won't get in. He's underage."...
The Other Side of an Infamous Hamptons House Party
The Other Side of an Infamous Hamptons House Party
“We raised money for charity. Nothing illegal happened, and no one complained,” said a man who has been compared to Jordan "Wolf of Wall Street" Belfort. Is the Long Island party planner being treated unfairly?
July 25, 2016 at 08:58AM
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Bad news, good news, really great news
Hopefully not a repost - The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.
"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.
The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
The second...
Can we get married?
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to...
A guy sits down in a Café and asks for the hot chili.
A guy sits down in a Café and asks for the hot chili. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself." He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."...
A man went to the register with only a box of condoms.
The cashier asked 'Sir, do you want a bag?'
He replied 'No thanks, she's not that ugly'...
Talk like a Frog
A 5 year-old girl goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her grandfather. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa!!" she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, talk like a frog!"
"Well okay dear, but why?" replied her Grandpa.
"Talk like a frog because mommy said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!"...
A Cowboy Rides Into Town
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't...
A man comes to the United States from India
And he's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor.
The doctor says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and directly smell and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
The man takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and, eyes wide open, breathes in the fumes for ten minutes through both his nose and mouth.
Then...
A husband and wife go to counseling after 30 years of marriage
After 30 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately...
Thứ Hai, 25 tháng 7, 2016
A monkey claims that he has the best weed in the world.
A lizard notices a monkey sitting in a tree smoking a joint. He calls up, "Hey, monkey! What are you doing?"
"I'm smoking the best weed in the world," replies the monkey.
"I doubt it," says the lizard. The monkey invites him to the top of the tree to try it. The lizard takes a few puffs and concedes that it really is amazing weed! After a few more puffs he gets very thirsty. He tells the monkey that he'll be back after a quick drink and stumbles off to the river.
At the river he is so stoned and uncoordinated that he falls in. An alligator sees...
A guy walking into a bar
sees an old man fishing in a puddle off the sidewalk.
“Poor Old fool,” he thought. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”...
Yesterday while working I saw a gigantic funeral precession...
There were two hearses, followed by a man walking a dog, followed by hundreds of men.
I take a break from work and say to the man walking the dog " excuse me sir, I don't mean to be rude but do you mind telling me what happened?"
The man replies: "A couple of weeks ago I bought this dog for my wife. Last week it turned on her and killed her. During the attack my mother in law tried to pull the dog off of her daughter and ended up dying as well"
I say : " sir can I borrow you dog?"
He replies : "Get in line "...
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving.
The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says :
"Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says "No shit, that's why I took my car!"...
An 85 year old man had to go to the doctor for a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first...
Two Irish men came down to give Mrs. O'Mally some bad news.
"We have some terrible news about your beloved husband, he fell into a vat of beer and drowned." "Oh my poor Patrick" she moaned "At least he died a sudden death and didn't suffer." "Well I don't know about that Mrs. O'Mally, he got out three times to go pee."...
Opening for a CIA job
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the interviews were over there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions....
Wasserman Schultz steps down as DNC chair
Wasserman Schultz steps down as DNC chair
Wasserman Schultz became fatally damaged goods in her own party after WikiLeaks released a trove of internal DNC emails, including correspondence in which Wasserman Schultz said Bernie Sanders has “never been a member of the Democratic Party and has no understanding of what we do,” among other things. She will officially leave her post at the end of this week's Democratic National Convention.
July 25, 2016...
Chủ Nhật, 24 tháng 7, 2016
Do you know how fast you were going?
Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, asshole!" Shouts Schrodinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists....
I went for a job interview today and the manager said,"We're looking for someone who is responsible"
..."Well I'm your man" I replied,"In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"...
Me Tarzan, you Jane...
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing...
A Koala walks into a bar...
A Koala bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a BLT sandwich. The Koala eats the BLT sandwich, gets up, spins around, pulls a pistol out of his pouch, shoots the piano player, and proceeds to walk out of the bar. The bartender, in shock, shouts to the Koala, "Hey, who do you think you are, you ate my sandwich and shot my piano player, and just where do you think you're going!?" The Koala replies, "Hey, I'm a Koala. Look it up." The frustrated bartender pulls out a dictionary from behind the bar and looks up Koala: The dictionary said "n....
The police seem to be making up the law as they go along
I got into a fight with a white man last month, the police intervened and I was charged with assault.
Last night I beat up a black guy, they intervened again and they charged me with impersonating a police officer....
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12...
Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.
Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know."
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are,...
A bus full of disturbingly ugly people crashes...
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway...
An 80 year old man goes into a brothel..
Picks out a young pretty woman, they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed. The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free. He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute nap, and while I'm asleep, I need you to hold my old pecker.". She agrees, he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, just as vigorously as before. The girl is amazed at the old man's stamina, and repeats her freebie offer, the...
What makes us stronger
What makes us stronger
Some scientists posit that what matters is not just the level of stress, or even its type, but how it is thought about. The same stress, perceived differently, can trigger different physical responses, with differing consequences in turn for both performance and health.
July 24, 2016 at 12:06AM
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A frog goes into a bank...
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $10000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very...
So there's this redditor that says part of the joke in the title
So there's this redditor that says part of the joke in the title,
then repeats it for no goddamn reason....
iBoob
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them....
Thứ Bảy, 23 tháng 7, 2016
A young boy enters a barber shop....
...and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy...
A woman must walk 5 paces behind...
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms....
A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.
On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair.
Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us.
They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in". When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique...
Welcome to the Scream Room
Welcome to the Scream Room
What my evening with Milo told me about Twitter’s biggest troll, the death of reason, and the crucible of A-list con-men that is the Republican National Convention.
July 22, 2016 at 09:21PM
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A Juggler, and the Police...
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."
The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!...
Thứ Sáu, 22 tháng 7, 2016
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
"Thank you, honey", she says.
"What would you like me to bring back for you?"
He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"
When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good," she replies.
"And what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" she asks.
"The one I asked for- an Italian girl!"
"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."...
A blonde girl...
...wants to know what life is like as a brunette girl, so she goes to the hairdresser and has her hair died brown.
Eager to show the world her newly acquired intelligence, she goes on a walk and meets a shepherd. She walks towards him and says:
"if i can guess how many sheep you have in your pack, can I have one?"
"fair deal" the shepherd says and the blonde guesses "457". The shepherd, really surprised about the ability of the girl, says "a deal is a deal, you guessed the right number, pick a sheep and you can keep it".
After the girl has picked...
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.
They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden, Luis says...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell!? Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon!
Every imaginable kind of cured pork!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees...
A man and his dog walk into a bar...
...The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"
Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"...
Husband and wife are arguing...
The husband thinks it's raining
His wife says, "No honey, that's snow"
So they ask Rudolph, their Soviet friend what he thinks.
He says, "That is rain, comrade."
The husband says, "See! Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."...
A passenger in a taxi...
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm...
Master Plan, Part Deux
Master Plan, Part Deux
Among other goals, Musk wants to turn self-driving Teslas into an automated car-share program.
July 21, 2016 at 09:56AM
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A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes...
...and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!"
Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself."
She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?"
She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."...
What's a Freudian slip?
Two old men are playing a round of golf. One says, "in my old age, I find myself making more Freudian slips." The other says "what's a Freudian slip"?
The first man says, "is when you intend to say one thing, but actually say what you were really thinking. Like the other day, I had a new secretary, as I was leaving the office, I meant to say 'see you next time' but actually said 'knee you sex time'. It was really just embarrassing."
The other man says, "oh, yeah, I have Freudian slips all the time, then. Just this morning my wife made eggs and...
An old married couple were driving through Arizona
They were traveling from Texas to California when an Arizona highway patrolman pulled them over. "Afternoon sir, license and registration please." "WHAT'D HE SAY?!", screams the old lady. "HE NEEDS MY LICENSE!", replies the old man. The patrolman chuckles and says, "I'll be right back." "WHAT'D HE SAY?!" "HE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!" After a moment, the patrolman returns- "I see you're from Texas. I used to date this obnoxious nag out there till she went batshit crazy!" "WHAT'D HE SAY?!", screams the old lady. "HE SAID HE KNOWS YA!!", replies the grinning...
The guy at the bar
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to...
Thứ Năm, 21 tháng 7, 2016
People say to me Jesus was not Jewish
I say ofcourse he was Jewish
30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
Working in his father's business
His mother thought he was God's gift
He's Jewish. Give it up
by Robin Willams
Happy Birthday Robin!...
I went to the doctors with hearing problems...
He said "Can you describe the symptoms?" So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"...
Diary Entries of a Married Couple
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to...
The 6th grade science teacher
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to...
Slip of the Tongue
Joe has a broken leg. Mike comes over and asks, "How you doing', Joe?"
Joe says, "Do me a favor: Run upstairs and get my slippers."
Mike goes upstairs and sees Joe's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters. He says, "your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
One girl replies, "Get out of here. Prove it?"
Mike shouts down stairs -, "Hey, Joe, both of 'em?"
Joe shouts back, "of course, both of 'em!" What's the point of fuckin' one?"...
Dave goes to the doctor for some sex advice
He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."
The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"
"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"
"Then get some air-con"
"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"
"Well, Dave, do you have a good mate?"
"Yeah, I've got a mate Mick"
"Well, ask your mate Mick to stand over you and the mrs with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."
So, Dave asks Mick for this favour, who then agrees to help him. That night, Dave is in bed with his wife, pounding...
What does the word 'gay' mean?
asked a son to his father.
"It means 'happy,'" replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."...
A man and his wife
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"...
Scientists just put a 3D printer in space. This is a huge deal for space travel.
Scientists just put a 3D printer in space. This is a huge deal for space travel.
Space travel is unpredictable. So much can go wrong, and it's impossible to plan for and respond quickly to all of it. As a result, we're limited in how far we can go, and for how long. Having a 3D printer in a spacecraft, though, could change that equation.
July 20, 2016 at 10:05PM
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Thứ Tư, 20 tháng 7, 2016
A man with only one ear interviews candidates for a job
He is kinda' sensitive about his missing ear, so he asks to the first candidate "do you notice anything different about me?"
The guy hesitates and says "yes, sir, you have only one ear". He is dismissed on point.
The man asks the same question to the second candidate, which replies "yes, one of your ears is missing". Dismissed as well.
The third candidate walks in and the man asks "do you notice anything different about me?". The guy looks closely and says "Yes, of course. You wear contact lenses".
Surprised, the man asks "whoa, how did you know...
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmm. You are my son. Of that, I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."...
A man gets the words "I love you" tattooed to his penis.
He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend.
She looks at him and shakes her head saying "There you go again trying to put words in my mouth"....
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