The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits. She's got a point, I suppose...
I work in a hammer factory....
Thứ Tư, 31 tháng 8, 2016
There was a young couple having sex in the pool.
I walked up to the lifeguard and said, "Aren't you going to do anything?"
He said, "I might have a wank if you leave me alone."...
Pretend Marriage
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying “‘Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket – I'm awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she...
An old couple driving are pulled over by a state trooper...
The state trooper asks the old woman, "do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
The old woman who could barely see over the steering wheel is hard at hearing and replies, "what?"
The husband sitting next to her says , "he said do you have any idea how fast you were going?" to which she replies, "no."
The state trooper then says to the old woman, "ma'am, I need to see your drivers license."
The old woman replies, "what?" To which her husband says, "he needs to see your drivers license". The old woman says ,"ok" and hands the trooper her license.
The...
A young family moved into a house that was next door to an empty plot of land
Not long after, a group of builders turned up to start building on the plot.
The family's five-year-old daughter took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking to the workmen. She hung around and eventually the builders adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave the girl her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At...
A guy's phone rings in the gym
A guy is pushing through his usual workout routine in the gym when the phone goes off.
"Hello?"
"Hi honey! I just saw that dress I wanted -- it's on sale for only $2,000! We can save almost 900 dollars! Can we get it, pleeeease?"
"Sure honey, anything you want."
"Oh my god, really? Thank you!!!! And the man at the Lexus dealership called and says he can give it to us for $90,000. What should I tell him?"
"Sure honey, sounds good. Make sure everything is included."
"Wow you mean it?! You're the best! Oh, and one more thing! They called about...
Why Won't Apple Fix The iPhone's One Huge Design Flaw?
Why Won't Apple Fix The iPhone's One Huge Design Flaw?
If Apple focused on building a more rugged product, it could likely make an unbreakable — or at least far less breakable — iPhone screen.
August 30, 2016 at 08:40PM
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The deeply religious Jim and Joan are freshly married
As they begin to consummate their marriage, Jim moves straight for anal. Joan stops him "No, that's not the right hole."
"How would you know?" Asks Jim
"I was late after choir practice one day, and Father Henry and I talked about the sins of the flesh. Then he showed me how it was done so I could stay away from it and be wise and virtuous."
"Well that's weird." says Jim. "When we had that discussion, Father Henry put it in my ass."...
Three women sat discussing their husbands and their sex lives
"My husband's a wrestler," said the first. "He's really strong and aggressive in bed."
"My husband's an artist," said the second. "He's really gentle and sensitive."
"My husband's an IBM salesman," said the third. "He sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it's going to be when I finally get it."...
Thứ Ba, 30 tháng 8, 2016
There was an accident at the clinic and my wife's blood tests got mixed up. She's either got Altzheimers or Aids...
I begged the doctor for some advice. He thought for a little bit and said. There's a special clinic about six miles down the road. You could drop her there...
"Will they cure her?"
"No they won't, but if she finds her way home, don't fuck her."...
A blonde finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on a plane..
A blonde who finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just keeps bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offers her 10 to 1 odds, and says every time the blonde can not answer one of his questions, she owes him $5, but every time he cannot answer hers, he’ll give her $50. The lawyer figures he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepts.
The lawyer first asks, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde hands him $5. The...
A guy was nailing his interview
A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".
The guy says "oh I went to yale".
The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start monday"
Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"...
A plane was going down
You have the pope, a preist, the choir boys, and a narcissist, And only 1 parachute. The narcissist grabs the parachute and say's "I'm too important to die" The pope replies "But think about the children" The narcissist replies "Fuck the children!" The preist responds "Do you think we have time?"...
A black man walks into a bar...
A black man walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.
"That is really special," said the bartender. "Where did you get it?"
"Africa," replied the parrot....
Dave cannot make his wife cum, so he goes to the doctor for some advice...
He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."
The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"
"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"
"Then get some air-con"
"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"
"Well, Dave, do you have a good mate?"
"Yeah, I've got a mate Mick"
"Well, ask your mate Mick to stand over you and the mrs with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."
So, Dave asks Mick for this favour, who then agrees to help him. That night, Dave is in bed with his wife, pounding...
My kindergarten-aged daughter...
Suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean t-shirt to class. She told us that the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife practically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one t-shirt that already had something printed on the side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.
That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, "Families are Forever". And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start"....
What's with girls having weird names nowadays?
I recently slept with a girl and after sex she was like "I'm Fifteen" I was like that's nice I'm Daniel....
The Girlfriend Joke
So I recently moved into a new neighborhood and it's a pretty nice area. After a couple of weeks, a moving truck pulls up and I realize there's a new girl living in the house next to me. So I walk out and I notice that she's all by herself.
Being the good neighbor I am, I go up and ask, "Hey, I see you don't have any help. Do you need any help with moving your boxes inside?"
And keep this in mind, I'm like a 6/10 on good day while this girl is an easy 9/10. Like this girl can easily be a supermodel.
So I ask if she needs any help and she looks...
4 Millennial Men with 4 Very Different Incomes Open Up About the Lives They Can Afford
4 Millennial Men with 4 Very Different Incomes Open Up About the Lives They Can Afford
What's it like to make $1.5 million at 30? Or living at the poverty line at 28? Esquire interview four millennial men making very different amounts.
August 29, 2016 at 11:43PM
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Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole..
..Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "Gee Susie, what's going on?"
Susie says, "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious"
Mr. Johnson asks, "Why are you digging a hole?"
Susie replies, "I'm burying my gold fish"
Mr. Johnson laughs and asks "Why is the hole so big?" Susie replies, "Because my goldfish is inside your fucking cat"....
What's the difference between smoking weed and burning the koran?
If you burn the koran, you only get stoned once.
Edit: Please take this with humor, its just a joke....
Two men contracted to paint a small community church.
Being very frugal(cheap), they pinched and scraped to spend the absolute minimum on materials. Then, when they were only partway through the job, they determined that they did not, after all, have enough paint to complete the job. Not wishing to spend any more money if they didn't absolutely have to, they decided they would just dilute the water-based paint they were using so that it would last longer. They did this a couple more times before they finished, which caused striping on the church as the paint got lighter eachtime it was thinned. The...
80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global...
Thứ Hai, 29 tháng 8, 2016
Interviewer: What's your greatest strength?
Interviewer: What's your greatest strength?
Potential employee: Shape shifting.
Interviewer: Really?
Interviewer: Yes.
Interviewer: Shit....
A girl comes back home after many years to see her father before he dies...
She goes to his bedside and starts crying, "Dad, I'm sorry!"
He looks at her, smiles weakly, and says, "Goodbye, Sorry." He grins. "I'm dead."...
The CEO of Budweiser, Miller and Carlsberg walks into a bar.
The CEO of Budweiser walks up to the bar and orders a Budweiser, after which the CEO of Miller orders a Miller. Then the CEO of Carlsberg says to the bartender: "I'll have a glass of water." The others looks baffled and asks him: "Why didn't you order a Carlsberg?". He replies: "Well, since you're not having beer..."...
Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?
Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics
Interviewer: Could you give me an example?
Me: Yes I could...
George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity
Just like one of his characters.
(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)...
An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."
Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"
The man says, "I should have taken the money."...
Son of a Bitch
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like...
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years......
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he...
A guy walks into a pub...
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."...
A Powerful Russian Weapon: The Spread of False Stories
A Powerful Russian Weapon: The Spread of False Stories
The Soviet Union devoted considerable resources to spreading false stories. But now disinformation is regarded as an important aspect of Russian military doctrine, and it's disseminated with far greater sophistication and volume than ever before.
August 29, 2016 at 12:04AM
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An English man, Welsh man and a Indian man walk are in a maternity hospital.
The doctor tells them theres been a mix up and doesn't know who's baby is who's. The English man runs in and grabs the only brown baby and starts to walk out. The Indian man looks relly confused and says "I'm pretty sure that's not your baby it looks Indian so it's mine". The English man says "I know, but there's not a chance in hell I'm leaving here with a baby that could be Welsh."...
Chủ Nhật, 28 tháng 8, 2016
Being Muslim is tough
Since i was a young boy my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Hindus or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl. As a teenage guy going through puberty this was naturally a living nightmare. After years of begging from me and pressure from his colleagues, i was finally allowed to attend a very nice coed high school. The only rule was that i had to keep avoiding anything Haram....
What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?
A refund.
credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)...
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first orders a beer... The second orders half a beer... The third orders one quarter of a beer... The fourth orders one eighth of a beer...
The bartender pours two beers for the entire group, and replies "cmon guys, know your limits....
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?” “Terrorists have kidnapped Congress. They’re asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car collecting donations....” “How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks. The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”...
lady sneezes on a plane
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the...
The Great Big Story is curating Digg today. Check out their picks.
The Great Big Story is curating Digg today. Check out their picks.
Digg Editions gets you the most out of the internet with top news and the most interesting stories handpicked by our editors
August 27, 2016 at 07:03PM
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An old man offered a lady $100 to lick her nipples...
An old man saw a beautiful lady walking down the street of the bar he just walked out of.
He catches up to her and says, "Ma'am, I'll give you $100 dollars if you let me lick your nipples!"
Stunned, she says, "What kind of dirty old pervert are you?? Absolutely NOT!"
The old man, being persistent said "Fine, $1,000 dollars to lick your nipples! That's a fair offer."
To which the lady replied "What kind of woman do you think I am? Leave me alone or I'll call the cops!"
The old man, still not giving up, says "$10,000 dollars to lick your nipples,...
Thứ Bảy, 27 tháng 8, 2016
Forget everything you learned in college...
'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'...
A man goes to church
And tells the priest "Father, I almost cheated on my wife."
The priest asks him "How do you almost cheat on your wife?"
The man says "Well, me and the woman were naked but we just rubbed against each other."
The priest looks at him disgusted and says "Rubbing is the same as putting it in. Never do it again, say five Hail Mary's and put $100 in the donation pan."
The next time the priest sees the man he is infuriated "You didn't put $100 in the pan!"
The man looks at the priest disgusted and says "I rubbed the money against the pan, and rubbing...
Selling Coke.
The disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic.
So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters. The first poster is a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man...
Good animal joke
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes...
A Redditor walks into a bar
He cries out in pain.
His friend asks, "How did you even walk into that? You've encountered this hundreds of times before!"
The Redditor replies, "Well, not really? It seemed like a new post."...
http://ift.tt/2bLvyHL
http://ift.tt/2bLvyHL
Stephen Bannon’s enrollment is an apparent violation of crucial swing state’s election law requiring voters to be legal residents of county they register in.
August 26, 2016 at 08:15PM
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A kid gets in a taxi
The taxi driver tries to be funny and jokes with the kid, also making fun of him.
If your mom would be an idiot, what would you be?
An idiot, answers the kid.
The driver starts laughing
If your dad was a retard, what would you be?
A retard, answers the kid.
If your dad was a retard and your mom was an idiot, what would you be?
A taxi driver, answers the kid...
Thứ Sáu, 26 tháng 8, 2016
Three logicians walk into a bar
The bartender asks: "Do you all want a drink?"
The first logician says: "I don't know."
The second logician says: "I don't know."
The third logician says: "Yes."...
A man accidentally rear-ended a car
The driver whom was rear-ended steps out of the car and, to the mans surprise, was a dwarf. He walks to the man and says "I am NOT happy."
The man responds: "Then which one are you?"...
I was having sex with my girlfriend, and thought I'd try something new
so I stopped and completely froze in motion. She asked me "What the hell are you doing?" I said " a move I saw on pornhub.. it's called buffering"...
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
Last post of this was 6 months ago from my quick search, reposting because it is hilarious....
Saw a guy about to jump off a bridge
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
"Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Are you religious?"
He said: "Yes."
I said: "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you original...
I used to be a telemarketer
I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.
"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.
I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:
"For the last time, this is an orphanage. PLEASE stop calling."...
"You spend far too much time on that fucking computer."
Possibly a bit harsh, but as one of Stephen Hawking's closest friends, I felt someone had to tell him....
My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"
I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."
She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"
I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"...
What Donald Trump Knew About Undocumented Workers at His Signature Tower
What Donald Trump Knew About Undocumented Workers at His Signature Tower
Donald Trump has long denied knowingly employing illegal workers that helped to demolish the building that would be replaced by Trump Tower, but recently revealed documents show that he knowingly sought out the workers and paid them illegal wages.
August 25, 2016 at 11:37PM
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Thứ Năm, 25 tháng 8, 2016
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks," she says.
He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face....
Help Requested: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl.
A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 PM. Her name is Donna. She will be the one in the white dress....
Irish Joke
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night ! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The...
A redditor walks in to bar...
The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
"It's been so long since I've had a good laugh", replies the redditor. "I'll give you $100 if you can tell me a joke I haven't heard before."
"That sounds easy enough", replies the bartender.
"I should warn you", the redditor says, "I browse /r/jokes so I've heard them all over and over and over again".
Curious, the bartender pulls out his phone and browses /r/jokes for a few minutes.
"How about this?" he asks, "A man is driving through a remote forested area at night when his car breaks down next to an...
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered...
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. Son: "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie." Dad: "What movie did you watch?" Son: "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost." The robot slaps the mother....
A Texan says to a Harvard student...
Texan: where are ya from?
Harvard Student: well, where i'm from, we don't end sentences with prepositions.
Texan: oh, alright. where are ya from, jackass?...
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded,...
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously.
The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
That's obscene!" the priest exclaims. After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. "You know," he says, "I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and...
The best 100 films of the 21st century, according to 177 film critics around the world
The best 100 films of the 21st century, according to 177 film critics around the world
Is "Mulholland Drive," David Lynch’s unsettling, hallucinatory meditation on Hollywood culture, really the best film of this century so far? According to 177 of the world’s foremost movie experts, yes. Yes it is.
August 24, 2016 at 10:59PM
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"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably just yogurt."
"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt"...
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem...
The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"...
Thứ Tư, 24 tháng 8, 2016
Lover's Lane
A cop comes upon a car parked late one night on Lover's Lane. Upon further investigation he finds a male subject reading a book in the front seat and a female subject filing her nails in the back seat.
The cop asks the guy, "What are you doing up here?"
"I'm reading a book sir."
"Uh-huh. And what’s she doing?" the cop inquires, motioning toward the back seat.
"Well clearly, sir, she is filing her nails."
With a puzzled look on his face, the cop says, "In the 13 years I've been a cop I've never seen anything like this on Lover's Lane. How old are...
A black kid and his father are on an airplane
The plane suddenly starts to lose altitude and the captain made an announcement.
"Attention passengers. Due to an engine failure we are forced we were forced to dump all your baggage to lighten the plane. Unfortunately the plane is still too heavy so we have no chocie but to start throwing out passengers by alphabetical order until the plane is light enough. We will start with the A's. Will all African Americans please jump out of the plane."
The little boy starts getting up but his dad stopps him. "We are not African Americans."
Shortly after...
A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? "...
Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again...
Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I'm getting too old for the hard work. Why don't you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposting"...
A young man walks into a bar
And sees a horse.
Young man: 'Why the long face?'
Horse: 'Women. The ones I like anyways.
Young man: 'Why? What's the problem? What kind of women do you like?'
Horse: 'I like my women like I like my coffee.'
Young Man: 'Ground up and in the freezer?'
Horse: 'N..What? No! Sweet and strong you freak.'
Two scientists walk in...
Horse: 'Hey guys, first one's on me. What'll it be?'
Scientist 2: 'We'll both have water thanks.'
Scientist 1 to Young Man: 'What's eating you?'
Young Man: 'I just found out my girlfriend's dad is a pharmacist.'
A dentist...
Donald Trump Jacked Up His Campaign’s Trump Tower Rent Once Somebody Else Was Paying It
Donald Trump Jacked Up His Campaign’s Trump Tower Rent Once Somebody Else Was Paying It
After bragging for a year about how cheaply he was running his campaign, Donald Trump is spending more freely now that other people are contributing ― particularly when the beneficiary is himself.
August 23, 2016 at 07:22PM
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ISIS takes Congress hostage
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire."
"We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."...
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.
Because then I would know she is capable of making decisions she will regret in the future....
A son and his Dad have an intense argument and the son storms off, furious.
Before he gets out of earshot of his father, he yells "Jim Morrison was a terrible singer and an uninspired artist who never did anything worthwhile".
His father cannot believe this insolence, and screams at the top of his lungs "As long as you live in this house, you will never, EVER SLAM THE DOORS"...
Thứ Ba, 23 tháng 8, 2016
Another lady goes to a pet shop...
And lands her eyes on a beautiful parrot. Lovely plumage and everything. She goes to the store owner and says, "I want this parrot. How much is it for?"
The shop owner says, "2000 dollars"
The lady says, "I understand the parrot is beautiful, but isn't the price a bit too high?"
Shop owner says, "Lady, this parrot is called Mickey and it talks. A lot. Go ahead ask it something."
The lady asks the parrot - "Hello Mickey, what do you think of me?"
The parrot says - "I think you're a cum-hungry whore, bitch!"
The lady is offended and says, "No way...
The Truth About Managers
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: :Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”
“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.
“I am” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well”...
The Govenment made a recent announcement.....
.......that it is changing the national flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security whilst you're actually being fucked!!...
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...
“My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”
“What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired.
“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”...
I am 51 and my girlfriend is 8
Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad?...
Did you hear about the unfashionable mechanic?
He needed to change attire.
(I'm probably too proud of myself for making this one; someone's almost definitely done it before.)...
The Uber Killer: The Real Story of One Night of Terror
The Uber Killer: The Real Story of One Night of Terror
On a Saturday evening in February, a 45-year-old Uber driver and father of two named Jason Dalton got into his car, left his home near Kalamazoo, Michigan, and began shooting people. But the strangest, most unfathomable thing about the night that Dalton killed and killed again is what he did in between.
August 22, 2016 at 09:34PM
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I don't see what's so offensive about calling someone from Pakistan a Paki...
It's like calling someone from Scotland a Scot, an Australian an Aussie or someone from France a cunt...
Q&A Time w/Hillary Clinton
Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.
One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.
"Kenny," he says.
"And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks.
"I have three questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "Third -- what happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary...
Thứ Hai, 22 tháng 8, 2016
An American walks into a swiss bank with two large bags
He walks up to a teller and says quietly "I have 2 million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a swiss bank account now"
The teller replies "Sir, there's no need to whisper, poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."...
Everybody on Earth dies and goes to Heaven....
The Lord comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
Said and done, the next time The Lord looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
The Lord got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves! I created...
A lady walks into a pet store...
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls...
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" The cowboy thinks for a moment and then responds, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps...
A Blond goes to work in tears.
A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?" She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"...
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor...
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking...
Guy dies in a car crash...
...and goes up to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looks his name up in his book and shakes his head.
"What's that mean?" the guy says.
"You gotta go down," Saint Peter says.
The guy gets put on an elevator and takes the ride down to hell. When the doors open, he sees a large, oval shaped room with red velvet carpet and good music playing at a comfortable level. The room is filled with a hundred or so of the best looking people the guy's ever seen, men in tuxedos, women in fantastic gowns. He steps into the room and sees the room is lined with leather...
The Oral History of Santana's "Smooth" Featuring Rob Thomas
The Oral History of Santana's "Smooth" Featuring Rob Thomas
Whether you love it or hate it, “Smooth” remains a career defining moment for both Santana and Thomas, and continues to evoke strong and passionate reactions seventeen years later. Here now is the untold and often harrowing story of how “Smooth” came to be, in the words of those who lived through the life-changing experience.
August 21, 2016 at 10:15PM
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A guy walks into a bar with a gun
A guy enters a bar with a gun and sais "Who's the one that had sex with my wife?!"
A voice was heard in the backround, "You don't have enough bullets on you mate!"....
Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida...
Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir." she said "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do." he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book.
"Yes, I do." he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As...
My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack..
They're two things I'll never see coming.
(I've never been so proud of myself for writing a joke)...
Chủ Nhật, 21 tháng 8, 2016
An engineer goes to hell...
An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks....
My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours.
I said, "Why are you so upset? It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend."...
A jew in his deathbed...
A jew in his deathbed is surrounded by his family. He asks if the wife is there; she was. He asks if his son was there; he was. He asked if his daughter was there, and she was.
As he finds out everyone's there, he has a heart attack. His final words were:
-Why... is noone... in the shop......
I like my women like I like my microwaves...
Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them....
Three engineers are riding in a car.
One is a mechanical engineer, one is an electrical engineer, and one is a computer engineer. The car breaks down and coasts to the side of the road. "Hang on," says the mechanical engineer. "The problem is probably the engine, let me have a look at it and I'll have us on the road again in no time." "Wait," says the electrical engineer. "The way it just stopped like that, I think it's the electrical system. Let me have a look and I'll get us going again in a minute or two." "Hold on," says the computer engineer. "Why don't we all just get out of...
Tough to be Irish
"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike." Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad...
Popular Mechanics is guest curating Digg today. Check out their picks.
Popular Mechanics is guest curating Digg today. Check out their picks.
Digg Editions gets you the most out of the internet with top news and the most interesting stories handpicked by our editors
August 20, 2016 at 06:51PM
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So my girlfriend and I were out to dinner...
..and she just reaches over and takes some of my food! So I ask her, "can you tie 2 strings together?"
What?
"I'm asking, can you tie 2 pieces of string together?"
I don't understand
"Oh I'm sorry, what I'm asking is: can you fucking knot?"...
Bill Clinton died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.
"Oh," said Bill, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's...
Thứ Bảy, 20 tháng 8, 2016
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."
"Peter, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."...
A Dad picks his son up from school
Dad: what did you learn at school today, son?
Son: apparently not enough, I have to go back tomorrow....
I lost my watch at a party once...
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch....
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London......
.......when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says, "You're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody has been making bets...
Why can't I date?
I kid wen't to his father and asked,
"Daddy, I fell in love and wan't to date this nice girl"
Father: "That's great son. Who is it?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise me not to tell your mom Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, a couple of months later ...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is it?"
Son: "It's Angela, The other neighbor's...
I started a business...
I started a business selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof....
Dee Dee Wanted Her Daughter To Be Sick, Gypsy Wanted Her Mom Murdered
Dee Dee Wanted Her Daughter To Be Sick, Gypsy Wanted Her Mom Murdered
Dee Dee Blancharde was a model parent: a tireless single mom taking care of her gravely ill child. But after Dee Dee was killed, it turned out things weren’t as they appeared — and her daughter Gypsy had never been sick at all.
August 19, 2016 at 08:32PM
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Welfare Cheque
"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful...
Why do guys gain weight after marriage?
Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge......
A radio station was having a contest to see who could come up with a new word
Host: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”
Host: “Dave, what’s your word?”
Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.”
Host: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to the Bahamas: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Goan fuck yourself!”
The host cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
Host: “96 FM, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.”
Host: “Jeff, what’s your word?”
Caller: “Smee,...
Thứ Sáu, 19 tháng 8, 2016
A king enrolled his donkey in a race and won...
Local paper read: "KING'S ASS WON"..
The king was so upset with this kind of publicity that he gave the donkey to the queen .
The local news paper then reads: "QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN"
The queen sold the donkey to a farmer for 10$.
Next day paper read:"QUEEN SOLD HER ASS FOR 10$"
The next day the king ordered the queen to buy back the donkey and leave it in the jungle.
The next headline was: "THE QUEEN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS FREE AND WILD"...
A man with two friends
A man goes to heaven with two friends. When they get there they see ducks everywhere. St. Peter informs them that they can do whatever they want but don't step on the ducks. A week goes by and one man steps on a duck. St. Peter comes out with this ugly woman and says " this is who you will spend eternity with". A month later the second man steps on a duck. St. Peter shows up with a hideous woman and says "this is who you will spend eternity with". After a year the third man hadn't stepped on a duck and St. peter shows up with a gorgeous woman....
A man is drunk in a bar,
Across the bar he sees three heavy set women, speaking with Scottish sounding accents. He makes his way to the women and asks; "Excuse me, are you ladies from Scotland?" The first women gets mad and yells "It's Wales, you ass! Wales!" The man the replies. "I'm sorry, are you three whales from Scotland?"...
Justice Department says it will end use of private prisons
Justice Department says it will end use of private prisons
The Justice Department plans to end its use of private prisons after officials concluded the facilities are both less safe and less effective at providing correctional services than those run by the government.
August 19, 2016 at 02:19AM
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Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven...
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone and do anything you want."
The first nun says, "I want-a to be Taylor Swift" and poof! she's gone.
The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and poof! she's gone.
The third says, "I want-a to be Alberto Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Alberto Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry...
Thứ Năm, 18 tháng 8, 2016
Little Jonny was 5 years old and born blind
Little Jonny was 5 years old and born blind. One evening as his mother puts him to bed she says to him, "Jonny, tomorrow is a very special day: if you pray extra hard tonight God will grant you the miracle of sight". Super excited, Jonny jumps back out of bed, clasps his hands together and begin to pray, as his mum leaves the room. Just as she is about to close the door Jonny asks, "mum, will God really give me my sight?". "Yes Jonny, but only if you pray extra hard". An hour or so later, the mum pops her head around the door and sees Jonny still...
My 4yr old was struggling to open his yoghurt, today.
When he suddenly mumbled, "Fucking shitty lid!". My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from?". I said, "The fucking fridge, you silly cunt."...
Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years,
you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body....
I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said..
"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."
Gary, you filthy bastard....
Arthur Guinness
The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a bud, the Ceo of Miller gets a Miller, the head of coors orders a coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn, he orders a soda. "Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks. "Nah" Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer,then neither will I....
A man who just died.....
.......is delivered to a local mortuary and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”
The woman returns the next day...
A father wants to have "the" talk with his 14 year old son
'Son, the time has come for me to tell you how children are actually made!'
The boy puts his hands over his ears and yells:
'No! I don't wanna know!'
'But why not?' asks the father, surprised.
'Look, Dad! When I was 7, you told me that Santa doesn't exist. When I was 8, you told me the Easter Bunny doesn't exist either. But I'll be really pissed now if you tell me that we don't have to screw girls to make kids!'...
How Imperfections Could Bring Down The World’s Most Perfect Statue
How Imperfections Could Bring Down The World’s Most Perfect Statue
"My obsession with the flaws, reproductions and potential collapse of Michelangelo’s masterpiece."
August 17, 2016 at 09:44PM
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A man with a gun walks in to a bar...
He unholsters the weapon and waves it in the air, shouting, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with 7 rounds in the magazine and one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!"
A voice from the back shouts, "you're gonna need more ammo!"...
About 4,000 years ago:
God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!
Fish: Winks at God and slips him a $20 note
God: Correction, I shall create a great flood!...
you have a very nice house
A man goes to doctor complaining about migraines.
His doctor tells him, "I also suffer from the same ailment. Every time I get one, I give my dear wife oral sex. When she has an orgasm, she tightens her legs around my head which gets rid of the pain. You should also try it."
Two weeks later, the patient tells doctor, "Your suggestion worked and I'd like to tell you that you have a very nice house."...
Thứ Tư, 17 tháng 8, 2016
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
He took out a business card, wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'
Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in...
Today a man knocked on my door
...and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water....
Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists!
I heard it on the radio while I was driving down the freeway on my way to work. But then I was stuck in traffic.
Some guys came up to my car, knocked on my window and said "Sir, as you must have heard, Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists! They have demanded a 50 Billion dollar ransom, or else they will douse him in gasoline and burn him alive! We are going car to car asking for a contribution."
"Oh Dear!" I exclaimed. "What is the average contribution people are giving to this great and noble cause?"
"About a gallon, sir"...
Two statues in a park.....
.....one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling...
I was watching porn with the missus and she complained, "This is so unrealistic."
I said, "Just because you're unwilling to try new things, doesn't mean everyone's that frigid."
"Not that," she explained, "It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny dicks."...
All the organs of the body were having a meeting
...trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it...
My attempt to justifying the time I spend here.
Wife: I think my husband has alzheimer's.
Doc: Is he forgetting names?
Wife: No
Doc: Is he getting lost in familiar environments?
Wife: No
Doc: Is he forgetting to turn off the TV or stove?
Wife: No
Doc: Then why do you think he has alzheimer's?
Wife: Every day he goes to r/jokes.
Doc: Is this a new occurrence?
Wife: No, but he is laughing at the jokes....
The media vs. Donald Trump: why the press feels so free to criticize the Republican nominee
The media vs. Donald Trump: why the press feels so free to criticize the Republican nominee
Slowly but surely, the media has turned on Trump. He still gets wall-to-wall coverage, but that coverage is overwhelmingly negative, and increasingly, the press doesn’t even pretend to treat Trump like a normal candidate
August 17, 2016 at 01:55AM
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