So i took it off Then she said 'now take my skirt off' So i took her skirt off 'Take off my shoes' So i took her shoes off 'Take off my bra and panties' So i took those off
Then she said 'i dont ever wanna catch you wearing my clothes again'
Thứ Tư, 30 tháng 11, 2016
A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"
"Yes, it is," came the reply.
"Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."
10 year old boy walks on his parent's room while they were having sex
Parents stop and looked, laugh a lot and then carry on boy leaves room in disgust 2 days later, father walks down stairs to find boy on top of grandmother, naked and fucking her ultra hard and fast boy turns to father and says "not so funny when it's YOUR mum, IS it?!
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole
... I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat"
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows
"Twenty bucks," she says. He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face.
United States
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "Which part did you get?"
The husband of the woman next door died.
The husband of the woman next door died. After the funeral, the widow shut herself inside the house for most of the day. The only time the widow would leave her home was at the crack of dawn, where she would stand outside and wail loudly in her yard until noon, before quickly retreating into her home.
The neighbors next door politely ignored her crying, trying their best to respect her grieving. However, their seven year old son was perplexed by her behavior.
One day, while waiting for the bus, the boy saw the widow doing her usual wailing. Overcome with curiosity, he walked over to her and tugged on her sleeve.
"Ma'am, why are you sad?"
She looked at him, wiping tears from her eyes. "My dear husband passed away."
"Yes, but why are you always crying this early in the day?"
"I guess I'm just a mourning person."
Reddit Is Tearing Itself Apart
Reddit Is Tearing Itself Apart
Reddit, in its goal to be a laissez-faire haven of (relatively) free expression, has been overrun by nationalist trolls. Its staff of volunteer moderators is losing hope in the site’s future.
November 29, 2016 at 10:54PM
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A taxi driver speeds through a red light without even looking
And the passenger says, "whoa, what are you doing?! That was a red!"
The driver replies, "don't worry about it. My cousin, he does it all the time."
The passenger sits back until the driver blows through another red. He practically leaps out of his seat, "what are you doing?! You'll get us killed!"
The driver waves him off, "nonsense. My cousin, he does it all the time."
Then they come to a green light and the driver slams on the brakes and creeps into the intersection before taking off again. Now the passenger is livid.
"What was that?! That light was green!"
The driver nods and then shrugs before replying.
"My cousin. He mighta been coming."
A woman dies on her wedding day
George and Martha had dated all through high school and were deeply in love. Martha knew that George was "the one", but she wanted to save herself for marriage. After they graduated high school the big wedding day arrived. After the ceremony they left the church and were driving to the airport for their honeymoon in Paris when the car hit an icy patch and slammed into a tree.
Martha awoke in a beautiful hotel suite with a well-dressed young man standing at the foot of her bed. She began to panic, but the young man spoke. "Please be calm, Martha. I have terrible and wonderful news. The terrible news is that you were killed in an automobile accident. The wonderful news is that you were such a perfect Christian, you are now in heaven reliving your perfect day. By the way, I'm Jesus Christ, and I'll be your hotel concierge for eternity."
He walked to the window and pulled the shade, revealing a stunning view of the Paris skyline. The Eiffel Tower dominated the view from the window. "Every day you will celebrate your honeymoon. The entire city of Paris is open to your every whim."
"That's wonderful," Martha replied, "but what about George? It wouldn't be the same without him here."
"George survived the accident, so he's still on Earth. Of course he's grieving for you terribly, but he's scheduled to have a long and healthy life. When he passes you'll be able to spend eternity with each other. Oh, and don't worry, he will remain loyal to you to his dying day."
"Well, Heaven won't be perfect without him," Martha thought, "but at least I'll be able to pass my days in paradise. And when he does die, we'll be able to spend eternity together."
Days turned to months, and months turned into years. Martha explored every nook and cranny of this Paradise Paris. The people were friendly, everybody wore berets, and baguettes and fine wine were available on every corner. She knew this wasn't what Paris was really like, but she assumed that since this was her ideal version, it would be as she wanted it to be.
After a few months she started noticing hairs on the pillow next to her when she would awaken. Each day there were more and more hairs. Curious, she hit the call button on her phone and Jesus walked in the door. "What seems to be the matter, Mrs. Wilson?"
"Nothing's the matter, really; I'm just curious about something." She indicated the hairs on the pillow of her bed.
"Oh yes, Mrs. Wilson," Jesus said. "You see, your husband is suffering from premature baldness. The hair you are seeing is the part of him that is no longer alive, and it is showing up in heaven. When he arrives the hair will be back on his head, and he'll have the luxurious mane you remembered him for."
Martha thought about George losing his hair and hoped that it wouldn't adversely affect him in life. She closed her eyes and uttered a silent prayer that his friends and business associates would not look down on him due to the loss of his locks.
Jesus (because he was Jesus) heard her silent prayer. He put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I assure you, Mrs. Wilson, that George will not only suffer no negative effects from his hair loss, but he'll appear quite distinguished. If anything, this will help him in life. If you would like, I can take the hair away and put it in storage until the Big Day."
"No, that's all right," Martha stated. "Just leave it in a dish by the bedside so that when I feel lonely I can run my hands through his hair."
Several more months passed. One day Martha awoke to feel something under the covers at the foot of the bed. She pulled back the sheets and was astonished to find two human toes laying there. She screamed.
Jesus rushed through the door. "What seems to be the problem, Mrs. Wilson?"
"There are two toes in my bed!"
"Oh yes, Mrs. Wilson. My apologies, I should have mentioned this before. Last night, George's car broke down in the middle of the woods and he was forced to hike for several miles in the snow before he was found. As a result he contracted frostbite in the two small toes of his left foot. I assure you, however, that he's expected to make a full recovery."
Martha closed her eyes and uttered a silent prayer that George would not suffer unduly.
Jesus (because he was Jesus) heard her silent prayer. He put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I assure you, Mrs. Wilson, that George will be perfectly fine. He will have to walk with a cane, but there are no other negative effects. Also I should mention that every day he pines for you, and he has remained constant and loyal all these years. If you would like, I can take these toes away and put them in storage until the Big Day."
Martha agreed, and Jesus brushed the toes into his hand and stepped out of the door.
Years passed. One day Martha awoke and noticed that there was a giant mound under the bed next to her. She pulled back the sheets and was aghast to discover a human pelvis laying in the bed next to her. She screamed.
Jesus rushed through the door. "What seems to be the problem, Mrs. Wilson?"
"There's a... pelvis in my bed!"
"Oh yes, Mrs. Wilson. I'm sorry to inform you that your dear George was taking a shower yesterday when he slipped and fell, shattering his pelvis. However he's been fitted with a prosthetic hip and is expected to make a full recovery, and still has several long productive years on earth. And every day he pines for you."
Martha closed her eyes and uttered a silent prayer. Jesus (because he was Jesus) heard the prayer.
"Penis cancer. Penis cancer. Penis cancer."
[NOTE: I don't know if it's funny but at least it's original. I came up with it in the shower this morning.]
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddybears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It's obvious that he has taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them. She's immediately touched by the amount of thought he put into organizing the display.
There are small bears all alongThe bottom shelf, Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and Huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.
She finds it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but don't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking. After awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
Chemistry Joke
So a Physicist, Chemist and Biologist walk down the beach to the ocean. They stand together and watch the waves as the water splashes up to meet their feet. "Look at those waves, the shear crushing weight of the water powered by tidal forces! I must study them further!" Says the Physicist, as he walked out into the water, never to be seen again. "All that life in the ocean, from the smallest plankton to the giant whales! I must study them further!" The Biologist says as he wades into the waves, never to be seen again. The Chemist watches the waves for a couple more minutes, checks his watch, pulls out a pad of paper and writes: Physicists and Biologists are soluble in seawater... clicks his pen and walks home.
Thứ Ba, 29 tháng 11, 2016
Mom: Son, why don't you talk to Steven anymore? You used to be best friends!
Son: Well, would you talk to someone who is stupid, does drugs, and is an alcoholic?
Mom: Of course not!
Son: Well, neither would he.
Edit: a word
My buddy went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back...
Half way through he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand."
The tattooist said "Hang on pal, I've only just finished his turban."
I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night
Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.
All of the organs are deciding who should be in charge
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."
"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "without me the body couldn't go anywhere."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the anus, "I am responsible for waste removal."
All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.
What is the moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all of the work the ass hole is usually in charge.
A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...
The first caller get's through,
"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"
"Goan!"
"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Aye, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.
After several more calls they get another man,
"And what's your word sir?"
"Smee!"
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Aye! S'mee again! Go'an fuck yerself!"
A guy is sitting at a bar staring at his drink when a huge biker grabs his drink and gulps it down.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it ?" says the Biker?" The man begins crying. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY you wimp."
The guy says. "Well this is the worst day of my life. I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home and then found my wife with another man. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!"
Piano player nsfw
So a bar owner has a piano in the corner that never gets played. He puts an ad in the paper to see if he can get a piano player to liven the place up.
The day of the auditions arrives and everyone is horrible. He's about to give up when a young man walks in and asks if he could audition. The bar owner agrees and the young man starts playing.
The first song is incredible but the owner had never heard it before. He asked what the song was called and the answer shocked him.
"I call it giving my sister ass herpes. I wrote it myself" said the young man. "Do you want to hear another song that I wrote called raping my neighbors dog"? The bar owner reluctantly agreed.
The second song was even better than the first. The owner decides to hire the young man. He will let the young man play his own songs but only if he doesn't tell the bar patrons the names of his songs.
Everything was going great on the first night. The bar was packed and the tip jar on the piano was full. The young man announced he was taking a short break and went into the bathroom.
When he came out a woman came up to him and asked "Do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out?"
The young man looks at her excitedly and says "Know it, I wrote it!"
An old man has been standing in line at the pearly gates for so long, when he gets to the front, he can't remember his name for St. Peter to look up in the Big Book...
Peter doesn't know what to do, so he gets Jesus to help him figure it out.
Jesus says "Tell us about your life, maybe that will jog your memory."
The old man says "Well, I only had one child, a son."
Jesus smiles and says "Heh, I was an only child too. Go on."
The man says "I was a... some kind of wood-worker or carpenter... something like that."
Jesus is like "Huh, that's another coincidence. Anything else you can remember?"
The man shakes his head a bit and says "You may not believe this, but my son - he was brought to life through a miracle!"
Jesus' jaw drops, he smiles, and tears comes to his eyes, "Father??"
The old man's eyes open wide, "Pinocchio??"
A man with a black eye takes his seat on the plane, when he notices that the man next to him also has a black eye....
"How did you get yours?" He asked
"A Freudian slip at the ticket gate," he replies "the girl selling the tickets was beautiful busty blonde. When I meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburg, I accidentally asked for a picket to Tits-burg and she clocked be right in the eye. How about you? How'd you get your shiner?"
"It's so funny you should say that," answered the first man "mine was from a Freudian slip too! I was at the breakfast table with my wife this morning. What I meant to say was 'Could you please pass the sugar, honey?' But what I accidentally said was 'You fucking bitch, you've ruined my life'
Trump falsely claims 'millions of people who voted illegally' cost him popular vote
Trump falsely claims 'millions of people who voted illegally' cost him popular vote
President-elect Donald Trump alleged Sunday, without evidence, that "millions of people" voted illegally for Hillary Clinton and otherwise he would have won the popular vote.
November 28, 2016 at 07:35PM
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A cowboy is sitting in a bar...
A woman sits down next to him and says, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He says, "Well ma'am, I ride a horse all day, herd cattle, rope cattle, brand cattle. I reckon I'm a real cowboy alright. So... you like cowboys, do ya?"
She says, "Oh, don't get the wrong idea. I'm a lesbian."
Cowboy says, "What's that?"
She says, "It means I like women. All I think about all day is women. Beautiful, sensual, erotic, naked women. Nice to meet a real cowboy though." Then she gets up and leaves.
Another woman comes and sits down. "Say there... are you a real cowboy?"
He ponders for a moment and says, "Well ma'am, I used to think I was. But I just found out I'm a lesbian."
BodyBuilder and a Blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a great chest you have!' He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.' He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive calves you have!' The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.' He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was
I remember when my dad once gave me money to pay the electricity bill.
Instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.
But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the house door, parked outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried; especially me, because the car was from the electricity company and they were there to cut off the electricity, so my dad beat the crap out of me again.
Thứ Hai, 28 tháng 11, 2016
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2) The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3) I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'
A pirate is selling his loot at a stand on the docks
A pirate is selling some loot at a stand he has set up on the docks. A man approaches and is interested in hearing about how he lost his limbs.
Man: "How did you lose your leg?"
Pirate: "I was fighting off a shark in the sea. He got me leg, but I got one of his teeth. Now I use this wooden leg to replace me real one."
Man: "Is that how you lost your hand too?"
Pirate: "No, that was lost when I was attacking another boat of pirates. The captain got me hand, but I got his boat. Now I have this hook to replace me real hand."
Man: "Did you lose your eye in that battle as well?"
Pirate: "No, that was lost when a bird pooped in me eye and I tried to wipe it out. Twas the first day I had me hook."
A mother was tucking her daughter when the daughter asks her what a Penis is.
Little girl: "Mommy, what's a Penis?
Mom: "Be a good girl and you'll get one when you grow up."
Little girl: But what if I'm a bad girl?"
Mom: "Then you'll get more."
Whoever answers my next question, can go home.
Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.
*One boy throws his bag out the window.*
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Boy: Me and I’m going home now.
Apple may have finally gotten too big for its unusual corporate structure
Apple may have finally gotten too big for its unusual corporate structure
Functional organizations have enormous strengths, but also limits.
November 28, 2016 at 12:36AM
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SCHOOL JOKES,Teacher and student
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
A man applies for a job with the local police.
The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."
Guy replies "Why the cat?"
Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"
Hillary's mad at Satan
Hillary: Satan! We had a deal! Where's the election victory that you promised me?
Satan: Where's the soul that you said you had?
Three fathers are talking about their sons...
The first father says, "my sons a successful doctor. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a Lamborghini".
The second father said, "my sons a successful hedge fund manager. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a yacht".
The third father says, "my sons the CEO of a big company. He's so rich he just bought his best friend a castle".
Right then, a fourth father walks in and asks what they're talking about. The other three fathers say, "we're talking about our successful sons, what does yours do?" The fourth father says, "well my sons a gay stripper." The other three fathers say, "oh wow, you must be really disappointed."
The fourth father replies with, "well not really, he's doing really well. His three boyfriends just bought him a Lamborghini, a yacht, and a castle."
A rich guy is having a fancy party
A rich guy is having a fancy party So he calls the attention of all his guests and says, "Ladies and gents, behind you is a swimming pool with an alligator in it. Whoever is brave enough to swim across it and survive shall be rewarded fifty thousand dollars." While everyone is still staring at the rich man, there is a loud splash. To everyone's amazement there is a man swimming across the pool as hard as possible and barely makes it to the other side. The rich man says, "Congratulations! Here is your check for fifty thousand dollars." The man, soaking wet says, "I don't want!". "You don't want it?" Again he says "I don't want it!" "Well how about 50 thousand dollars in cash?" again, "I don't want it!!" "How about my beautiful daughter? You can have her." yet again, "I don't want her!!" The rich man then says, "Well what do you want?" to which the other guy says, "I want the motherfucker that pushed me in the pool!!"
Chủ Nhật, 27 tháng 11, 2016
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.....
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.
She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
"Doctor, I've got this very strange condition"
...I fart all the time, but they don't smell and are completely silent. You probably didn't notice, but I've farted six times since you entered the room." The doctor nods and writes a script. "Take these and come back in a week." A week later the old lady comes back to the doctor "You sonofabitch! I don't know what you gave me but it just made everything worse. I still fart all the time, they are still silent, but now they all stink!" The doctor nods and says "Well, we cleared your sinuses, now let's see what we can do about your hearing."
On the last day of Barack's presidency, he and Donald Trump go to the same barbershop to get their hair done.
On the last day of Barack's presidency, he and Donald Trump go to the same barbershop to get their hair done.
Barbers decide not to talk about politics, and everybody ends up not talking at all. The air is so tense. it could be almost cut with the barber's knife.
Donald's hair gets finished first, and when the barber tries to apply some cologne to it, Donald goes nuts "Are you out of your mind? I can't go to my house smelling like I've been in a brothel. Melania would go crazy".
Right at that point the other barber finishes doing Barack's hair and goes, "So Mr. President, I guess you won't like cologne either?"
"I don't have a problem with that", says Barack with half smile on his face; "Michelle doesn't know what a brothel smells like."
Poker hacks, "South Park" and a whole lot of St. Bernards.
Poker hacks, "South Park" and a whole lot of St. Bernards.
Digg Editions gets you the most out of the internet with top news and the most interesting stories handpicked by our editors
November 26, 2016 at 08:10PM
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I was so depressed last night
thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Thứ Bảy, 26 tháng 11, 2016
Son leaves a note
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home
Eating pussy is like going on a roadtrip with your wife
You don't want to stop and ask for directions and you dont want to admit that a handheld device could do a better job than you
A 6 year old & a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
“You know what?” says the 6 year old. “I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell & you say something with ass.” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen & asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, guess I'll have some Cheerios.” WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, & runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room & shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old & asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?” “I don't know”, he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!”
The room is 15$ a night.
Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses. She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?” The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells out, “Was I going up the stairs or down?” The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” She knocks on wood for good measure. She then replies,“I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
Russian propaganda effort helped spread ‘fake news’ during election, experts say
Russian propaganda effort helped spread ‘fake news’ during election, experts say
The flood of “fake news” this election season got support from a sophisticated Russian propaganda campaign that created and spread misleading articles online with the goal of punishing Democrat Hillary Clinton, according to experts.
November 25, 2016 at 09:16PM
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Bush, Obama and Trump go to a job interview with God...
God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"
Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"
"Very well", says God. "Come sit to my right."
Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"
Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all."
"Good", says God. "You shall sit to my left."
Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?"
Trump answers: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."
A cucumber , a pickle and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.
The cucumber said : "Man my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."
So the pickle looks at him and says: "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me and sticks me in a jar."
The penis glared at them both and said: "You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out."
Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex
Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a younger looking girl "Bloody hell, Sherlock! What'd you think you're doing bangin' that chick. She looks like she's in highschool" Sherlock replied, "Elementary, my dear Watson"
Thứ Sáu, 25 tháng 11, 2016
An explorer in the deepest Amazon
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by what appears to be a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed." There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces. The voice booms out again: "Now you're screwed."
A couple goes to a sex therapist........
A couple, both age 75, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $109. We do it here for $50...and I get $44 back from Medicare
A woman marries a man and has 10 children...
The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.
The next man dies so the woman remarries again and has ten more children.
That man dies so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.
The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.
At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Good god! They’re finally together!"
A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”
The man on his left says, “I think he means her legs...”
I thought of having a threesome
But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents
TIME’s 100 Most Influential Images of All Time
TIME’s 100 Most Influential Images of All Time
See the stories behind 100 photos that changed the world
November 24, 2016 at 10:40PM
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With all the bad luck that the US has seen this year...
You'd almost think this country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Thứ Năm, 24 tháng 11, 2016
A married's man prayer
Dear God, you gave me childhood and you took it away.
You gave me youth and you took it away.
You gave me a wife.......... Its been years now, just reminding you.
My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure
I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her
A woman and her two snot nosed screaming kids walk into Walmart.
She's still wearing her pajamas and her hair looks like it hasn't been combed in days.
She is screaming and cussing at her kids when she is approached by an old man working as a door greater.
The greeter says "what lovely kids, are the twins"?
The woman replies "are you blind or just dumb? They are two years apart and look not a damn thing alike."
The man grins and says "No I just can't believe someone had sex with you twice"
A polar bear walks into a bar.
The bartender asks what he'll have.
The bear says "I guess I'll have a................beer."
The bartender asks "Why the big pause?"
The polar shrugs. "I don't know, I was born with 'em."
At a Nazi mine, a worker calls out to Hitler:
"Sir, we are mining too many useless ores"
[Hitler rubs his chin, contemplating]
"So mine less"
[Grammar Nazi chimes in, from above]
"MINE FEWER"
[Hitler looks up]
"Yes?"
A woman is at the park with her son when he starts misbehaving.
She looks at him sternly and says "If you don't stop before I count to 3, we're going home!"
1...
2...
2 and a half...
2 and three quarters...
2 and five sevenths...
Just then a man taps her on the shoulder and hands her his business card. Hi I work for Gabe Newell, co-founder of Valve, and we're looking for a new Vice President. I think you're just what we're looking for. Call me on Monday and we'll talk.
$100 Billion Chinese-Made City Near Singapore 'Scares the Hell Out of Everybody'
$100 Billion Chinese-Made City Near Singapore 'Scares the Hell Out of Everybody'
A desert of dirt stretches into the distance, filled with cranes and piling towers that the Chinese developer is using to build a $100 billion city in the sea.
November 23, 2016 at 11:38PM
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Thứ Tư, 23 tháng 11, 2016
The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
My mate Dave drowned...
For his funeral, we got a wreath in the shape of a life saver.
It's what he would've wanted.
A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.
"Hi!" says the woman cheerfully, "Just so you know, I'm deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I'll let you know if I didn't catch something. So, what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a ventriloquist," says the man.
"What?" says the woman.
Four men walk into . . .
Four men walk into a <social establishment>. Inside the <social establishment>, they have a conversation about <topic>. Eventually one of them leaves the group and goes to the bathroom. After he left, the conversation shifts from <topic> to the well-being of their sons.
The first one says, "my son is very successful. He is a <reputable career #1>. This <holiday> he gave his best friend <indicator of wealth #1>."
"My son is also very successful" the second man adds to the conversation, "he works as a <reputable career #2>. This <holiday> he gave his best friend <indicator of wealth #2>."
The third man interjects, "that's nice. My son is very successful too. He is a <reputable career #3>. He just gave his best friend <indicator of wealth #3> during <holiday>."
At that moment, the fourth guy returns to the group. "What are you guys talking about?" he asks.
"We are bragging about how great our sons are," one of them says, "how successful is your son?"
"Oh he's an unemployed homosexual," the fourth guy responded.
"Oh that's unfortunate."
"Not really," the guy says, "he has three boyfriends and during <holiday> they gave him <indicator of wealth #1>, <indicator of wealth #2>, and <indicator of wealth #3>."
Donald Trump...
-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
-The rest of the world is in shock.
-Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
-Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.
-Latin American countries are sending clothing.
-New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
-The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
-Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
-President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million replacement Muslims.
It was two o'clock in the morning...
...and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight."
How Jared Kushner Won Trump The White House
How Jared Kushner Won Trump The White House
The secret weapon of the Trump campaign: his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, who created a stealth data machine that leveraged social media and ran like a Silicon Valley startup. The inside story of the biggest upset in modern political history.
November 22, 2016 at 09:02PM
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A 14 year old Chinese boy walks into a bar
He goes up to the the bar and signals the bartender "I'll have a pint please"
The bartender looks him up and down and laughs "You're way too young!"
"How you know my name!"
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.
They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.
''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish."
And I said, "No shit."
Thứ Ba, 22 tháng 11, 2016
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can"t marry her because of my personal family situation but I"ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man"s shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
ITALIAN ARITHMETIC
An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.. 'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
'Without a numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.
'What's this?' the boss asks.
'Ave you gota no brain?
Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?' '
Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'
(You're going to love this one!!!) The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirtytree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.
A woman get cheated by on by her husband.
Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decide to go there to consult him. After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reach the top and meet the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young women. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do". The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he ask: "Is the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answer. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk look her in the eyes and said "Do you see the problem now?" The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speak. "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that". The monk shake his head "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."
A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
As American as Apple Pie? The Rural Vote’s Disproportionate Slice of Power
As American as Apple Pie? The Rural Vote’s Disproportionate Slice of Power
Rural America, even as it decries its economic weakness, has retained electoral strength beyond its numbers.
November 21, 2016 at 09:05AM
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Thứ Hai, 21 tháng 11, 2016
So, i wanted to know what my weight was.
'Holding your belly in is not gonna make you lighter' my wife said.
But how am i supposed to see the numbers?
A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"
The man says, "Don't you mean history?"
The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"
In South Los Angeles, a fourplex was destroyed by fire...
A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.
A black Islamic group of seven welfare cheaters, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.
Six Los Angeles gangbanger ex-cons lived on the third floor and they died as well.
One white couple lived on the top floor.
The couple survived the fire.
Jesse Jackson, John Burris, and Al Sharpton were furious.
They flew to Los Angeles and met with the fire chief on television.
They loudly demanded to know why the Nigerians, Muslims, and gangbangers all died in the fire, and only the white couple survived.
The fire chief said, "Please don't get upset. The reason those fellow citizens survived was because they were at work."
Our President Elect is a real tough guy...
The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.
So, I just tried a new drinking game.
I put in the Bee Movie, and every time they make a bee pun, I take a shot.
Unfortunately, I could only get buzzed.
The Search for My Fathers Killer
The Search for My Fathers Killer
After my father was murdered in 1973, I spent decades looking for the man who killed him. What I found changed everything I’d believed about him and the life he lived.
November 20, 2016 at 10:01PM
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If Donald Trump was a communist,
If Donald Trump was a communist, instead of saying "Grab her by the pussy" he would have said "Seize the means of reproduction."
"What does gay mean?"
A son is on the computer and he comes across the word gay. He asks his dad, "What does gay mean?"
"It means happy."
"So dad, are you gay?" the son asks.
Dad replies, "No son, I have a wife."
A mother was helping her son study for a test
She asked him, "What is the capital of Germany?"
He replied, "Berlin."
She then asked, "What is the capital of France?"
He replied, "Berlin."
She asked, "What is the capital of Russia?"
He replied, "Berlin."
She then hugged him and said, "Great job Adolf, you'll do so well on your geography exam!"
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were waiting for an elevator.
On the floor, next to the elevator door, was a tiny puddle of milky liquid. The brunette notices it first and says, "Oh my God, that looks like semen." The redhead bends down and sniffs, "Oh my god, this smells like semen." The blonde gets down on one knee, dips her finger in it, and sticks the finger in her mouth to taste it and blurts out, "It's not anybody from our building."
Chủ Nhật, 20 tháng 11, 2016
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
First one says give me half a pint. Second one says a quarter, third says an eighth. The bartender puts down one pint and says, you people need to know your limits.
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job...
After arguing about how to test this, they inexplicably end up deciding each man should enter the woods and try to convert a bear to their faith.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:
“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
a guy got an Interview for a job with EA
Boss: the second part of your resume is missing
Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$
Boss: welcome on board
How to get drunk in a dry country, and the KFC sandwich that took over Pakistan.
How to get drunk in a dry country, and the KFC sandwich that took over Pakistan.
Digg Editions gets you the most out of the internet with top news and the most interesting stories handpicked by our editors
November 19, 2016 at 08:35PM
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A blonde goes to the dry cleaners.
She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.
However, the attendant wasn't paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, "Come again?"
Giggling, the blonde replied, "No, just mustard this time."
Thứ Bảy, 19 tháng 11, 2016
A conversation with god about Trump
John (while writing Revelations): "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"
God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."
John: Yeah, trumpets.
God: "Never mind. They'll know."
A man goes to buy a Ferrari...
but he was short of $1.
He saw a homeless man and said "Can you give me a dollar, I have to buy a Ferrari."
The homeless man gave him two dollars and said "Get one for me too."
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner...
"Ok, I want to buy a pet, but something special,something different."
The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?" says the man "How much?"
The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 50 dollars.
Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.
After getting home, he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?"
The centipede says nothing.
Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.
An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?"
The centipede again says nothing.
Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.
An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?"
The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"
I got distracted today while driving and rear-ended the car in front of me.
The car door opened and out hopped the driver. He stormed up to me, all 3' 9" of him, and angrily blurted out "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
"Which one are you then?"
My wife asked me why I was walking around the house with a gun
I responded, "Because of those fucking decepticons!"
I laughed.
She laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster.
A joke from India
Translated from Hindi:
There is a queue outside the bank where people are waiting to get in and exchange currency. One chap keeps cutting the queue and goes to the front. The rest of the people keep forcing him back.
This goes on 5-6 times. The guy finally gets pissed and says
'Keep standing in line you fuckwits, today I will not open the damn bank!
.
.
.
Premise for those unaware: India has recently scrapped 500 rupee and 1000 rupee notes, rendering 85% of the country's cash utterly useless. (Funnier than the joke, isn't it?!) So folks are queued up outside banks to exchange old notes for new currency.
The Three Generals
The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000. Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000. The two generals were very happy with their earnings. Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his dick to the tip of his balls. The man said, ''Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?'' The general said no. ''Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?'' The general said, ''Just do it!'' The man dropped the general's pants and measured his dick. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, ''Sir, where are your balls.'' The general said, ''I left them back in Vietnam.''
Trump Offers National Security Post to Michael Flynn, Retired General
Trump Offers National Security Post to Michael Flynn, Retired General
It was not clear whether General Flynn, who was fired as the head of the Defense Intelligence Agency in 2014 by President Obama, had accepted the position.
November 18, 2016 at 10:19PM
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A Sensitive Guy
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
'Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds.
And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
The Pope dies and goes to Heaven...
When he gets there, he finds he's being judged at the same time as Donald Trump. Saint Peter declares that the pope is going to hell and Trump is going to heaven. The pope is outraged and asks how someone as pious as he is going to hell, and someone like Trump could achieve heaven. "Well," says Saint Peter. "When you were elected, you didn't do that much to increase piety in the world. But Donald Trump? After he was elected, we couldn't believe how much the Americans were praying."
Thứ Sáu, 18 tháng 11, 2016
A black guys walks into a bank...
... says "I'm looking for a job!"
The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"
The black guy says "You're joking."
The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again.
The difference between men and women
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie, she accepts, and they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty... scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and..........
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that... it's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.
There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work. "Yes," he says. Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks. "Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
And that's the difference between men and women.
~ Dave Barry
Running is the Worst Way to Get Fit
Running is the Worst Way to Get Fit
Running is a crappy way to lose fat and an inferior way to boost cardiovascular health, but it's somehow become the most popular exercise on Earth after walking.
November 18, 2016 at 12:45AM
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A man goes into a job interview
A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well. The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!
Children are so unappreciative these days.
I bought my daughter a rabbit.
She just keeps complaining about how it "doesn't count if it's roadkill".
Thứ Năm, 17 tháng 11, 2016
Father I have fallen
There was an old priest in a small town who spent years listening to confessions, most of which had been about adultery. One day he had enough and said "If I get one more confession about adultery I will leave this town."
Now the people really liked the priest and didn't wanna see him leave so they decided to start calling adultery something else. Eventually the word fallen replaced the word adultery, and people would confess to having fallen. This satisfied the priest and he stayed in that town for many more years until his eventual death.
After his death a new priest came to town and after a week came to the mayor. "Mr. Mayor you must do something about your sidewalks. Ive had a dozen people come to me saying they've fallen. At this point the Mayor starts laughing, realizing that no one told the priest what fallen stands for. Before the mayor could say anything the priest interrupts him. "I don't know why you're laughing Mr. Mayor, your wife said she fell five times this week."
A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250.
A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’
Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’
Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.’
A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2,245.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.’
How about an Indian joke?
A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?" A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?" She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"
A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “
A little girl was drawing a picture of Jonah inside the whale in class...
Her teacher asked her "What's that?"
"It's Jonah inside the belly of the whale from the Bible." She replied
The teacher, an atheist, told her "You know that didn't really happen."
She kept drawing "When I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah."
"What if he's not in heaven? The teacher admonished.
The girl, still drawing "Then you ask him"
A man asks his wife if he can cum in her ear...
She says, "No, I'll go deaf."
He says, "Funny, I always cum in your mouth and you never shut the fuck up."
What Was the Nerd?
What Was the Nerd?
The myth of the bullied white outcast loner is helping fuel a fascist resurgence.
November 16, 2016 at 08:26PM
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First time buying condoms
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.
Thứ Tư, 16 tháng 11, 2016
A wife came home early and...
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”
The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere, how can you say the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside when you heard someone coming... that was me"
I was about to propose to my girlfriend
I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those big cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for Joe with his cotton eye, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
edit: credit to tumblr user chefpyro
[NSFW] What's the difference between an 18yo and a washing machine?
You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you round for two weeks telling you it loves you
There once was a custodian named Juan
Juan was the custodian at a local grade school. Everyone loved Juan. He was so sweet and compassionate with the kids and did a wonderful job. One day the principal came up to Juan and said:
"You know Juan, you care about this school so much, maybe you should run for the board of education"
And Juan said:
"You know, I've never thought about that before, but why not?"
So Juan got up in front of the people in town and gave a speech:
"My name is Juan, I love my wife, I love my kids, and I love my dog"
Now politicians tend to be dishonest, but the people of this town knew Juan, and his statements hit home with them. Juan was elected by a landslide.
Juan worked tirelessy to clean up the schools, day and night, instituting new programs and fixing the curriculum. In a very short time graduation rates doubled and test scores shot up.
Then one day the governer died of a heart attack, and the people who Juan worked with closely on the board suggested Juan run.
Juan said:
"Well I've never thought about that before, but why not?"
Juan gave a speech to his state:
"My name is Juan, I love my wife, I love my kids and I love my dog"
The state went wild for such an honest and loveable man and he was elected.
As governer he made his home state a wonderful place to live, businesses boomed, communities were peaceful, crime was down and employment was up. Everyone loved Juan.
Then one day Juan was approached by a political group that endorses candidates for major offices. They asked Juan if he would like to run for president.
Juan said:
"Hmm, I've never thought about tbat before, but why not?"
Juan stood before the American people and said:
"My name is Juan, I love my wife, I love my kids, and I love my dog."
The crowd goes ballistic, the American people lose their god damn minds. No candidate had ever been so universally loved like Juan.
Juan is elected President of the United States.
A few years go by. Juan keeps every one of his campaign promises. Unemployment is down to basically nothing, the economy is booming, the national debt is on its way to being paid off.
Then reality hits Juan.
He has no where to go from here.
Juan becomes depressed. He starts drinking heavily.
One day he is sitting in the Oval office drunk as a skunk when his wife comes in. She wants funding for a new project. Juan doesn't listen. He pulls out a gun and shoots her. Then Juan's children come into the oval office wanting the time and attention of their father. He shoots them a well. Lastly his dog comes trotting in looking for a walk or a treat but he shoots the dog as well.
This doesn't sit well with the American people. He is arrested and put up for impeachment but is able to make bail and get out for a while before the trial, but he's not allowed back in the white house and he doesn't have a home.
Juan wandered the streets with a heavy heart when it started to rain. Juan finds a dumpster, lifts the loud and starts to climb in. A homeless man jumps up from inside the dumpster and pushes Juan away.
"This is my dumpster" said the homeless man.
"Please let me share it tonight" said Juan
"No . . . Wait a minute, I know you." Said the homeless man, "you're Juan! You're that sick son of a bitch that killed his wife, and kids, and dog!"
"I know" said Juan "but please, I have nowhere to go"
The homeless man told Juan to go away, but Juan just begged and begged. Eventually the homeless man pulled out a golf gun and shot him.
What's a golf gun?
Well I don't know either, but it sure shot a hole in Juan.
When the Devil Enters
When the Devil Enters
Canneto Di Caronia, plagued by mysterious fires, turns to science, the church, and the law in a search for answers.
November 16, 2016 at 04:06AM
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2 Trump Supporters go to heaven
St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates and asks if there is anything in the universe they'd like to know before meeting God. The fist guy asks, "What was really in Hillary's emails?" "Nothing incriminating really", replies St. Peter. The other guy turns and whispers, "Wow, this goes higher than we thought."
Married in Heaven!
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves standing outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
They asked St. Peter can we still get married in heaven? St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out!
Two months passed and St Peter still has not returned. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking exhausted! 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple. 'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?
A very distinguished lady was on a plane
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the "hair remover".
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son, he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvellous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"
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