He was caught fingering A Minor.
Thứ Bảy, 31 tháng 12, 2016
Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...
She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".
Dad: When you turn 18, I'm taking you to the strip club.
Teen: Of course not dad!
Dad: Oh shut up Jessica, it's time for you to start bringing money to the house.
A woman walks by a clothes shop, and spots a nice red dress in the window.
She goes inside to inquire:
Woman: Hi. I want to try on that red dress in the window.
Employee: Well, as you wish, but we have changing rooms too.
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer
The first one says to the other one, "Does this taste funny to you?" The other one says, "No."
My wife is so much better looking than me...
...that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.
Credit: Charles Demers
Deprecated: The Ars 2017 tech company Deathwatch
Deprecated: The Ars 2017 tech company Deathwatch
Deathwatch is not a prediction of actual corporate demise. Most failing companies limp on in some way through acquisition, integration, inertia or the eternal zombie life of bankruptcy protection. Instead, it's a way of recognizing those entities in danger of technical, economic and/or cultural irrelevance.
December 30, 2016 at 11:36PM
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A man kills a deer and brings it home for dinner,
He and his wife decide they won't tell the kids what they are eating.
But the dad gives them a clue 'It's what mummy calls me '
the little girl screams to her brother "DON'T EAT IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!"
I stayed at my girlfriends family's place durring the Christmas break.
Her father was being a prick and wouldn't let us sleep together, which is a shame, because he is a real good looking guy.
Thứ Sáu, 30 tháng 12, 2016
As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.
She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."
The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife.
He asks hopefully, "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun
"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.
"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.
She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"
I blinked, realizing how stupid I looked.
"I guess you're right! Man I must look like and idiot!" I said.
She laughed.
I laughed.
The toaster laughed.
I shot the toaster.
Debbie Reynolds, Wholesome Ingénue in 1950s Films, Dies at 84
Debbie Reynolds, Wholesome Ingénue in 1950s Films, Dies at 84
Debbie Reynolds ("Singin' in the Rain," "The Unsinkable Molly Brown," "How the West Was Won") died Wednesday, a day after the death of her daughter, Carrie Fisher.
December 29, 2016 at 11:07AM
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Two Arabs boarded a flight from Washington to New York...
One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off a little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a Coke.” “No problem,” said the Israeli, “Stay there, I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spat in it. When the Israeli returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.” Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it too. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. “How long must this go on?” he asked. “This enmity between our people…this hatred…this animosity…this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”
Thứ Năm, 29 tháng 12, 2016
A nun decides to dye her worn out clothes
A nun decided that it was much cheaper to just dye the colour back into her worn out clothes instead of buying new clothes. Every year, the nun would go to a nearby dye shop to dye her clothes and hang them to dry.
When she returned to the store for the 10th time, she dyed and hung her clothes. When she came back to get her clothes, they were stiff and uncomfortable. She complained to the store manager and asked why that happened to her clothes.
The store manager replied: "Well madam, old habits dye hard"
Winky
A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.
“Looking at your résumé, I can see that you’re more than qualified,” says the interviewer. “Unfortunately, we can’t have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can’t hire you.”
“But wait,” says the man. “If I take two aspirin, I stop winking.”
“Then show me,” replies the interviewer.
So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.
“It’s great you stopped winking,” says the interviewer, “but we can’t have our salesmen womanizing all over the country.”
“What do you mean?” asks the man. “I’m happily married.”
“How do you explain all the condoms?” asks the interviewer.
“Oh, that,” sighs the man. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”
A blonde goes to work in tears.
A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?" She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain..
She can't speak Spanish. Each time she wants to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt & show her thighs to enable the seller understand her... This went on for sometime. One day, she wanted to buy banana, so she took her husband to the shop..
Because her husband speaks Spanish very well.
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day..
So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its penis, points to it and says, “Mommy, what is that long thing?”
“His mother replies, “That, son, is the elephant’s trunk.”
“No, at the other end.”
“That, son, is the tail.”
“No, mommy, the thing under the elephant.”
There’s a short embarrassed silence, after which she replies, “That’s nothing.”
The mother goes to buy some ice cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question. “Daddy, what is that long thing?”
“That’s the trunk, son,” replies the father.
“No, at the other end.” “Oh, that is the tail.”
“No, no, daddy, the thing below,” says the son in desperation.
“That is the elephant’s penis. Why do you ask, son?”
“Well mommy said it was nothing,” says the boy.
The father replies, “I tell you, I spoil that woman...”
Yesterday my dad told me if he saw me on the computer latenight again...
He would smash my head into my keyHDJbdvxhjJDKLXUXBgshdjcmcnGxcNdnckcoNcbcjxndbcjcjkxndJdhhshdbdn
I've decided to start carrying a knife.
After an attempted mugging last week I've decided to start carrying a knife. Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
If aliens have killed themselves off, what hope is there for us?
If aliens have killed themselves off, what hope is there for us?
Absent signs of life, astronomers are starting to look for extraterrestrial nuclear wars and pandemics.
December 29, 2016 at 12:29AM
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A man was riding a bus, minding his own business
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby..
The baby wouldn’t take it, so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out,
“Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!
Friendship between men and women...
Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
Thứ Tư, 28 tháng 12, 2016
My girlfriend reentered the room and looked at my computer screen.
"What the fuck is that?" she asked.
I said, "It's a woman masturbating."
"Why is this on your computer screen?"
"I thought you wanted to watch a chick flick."
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
Daddy calls home in the middle of a work day
"Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Philip."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you don't have an uncle Philip."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause
"Uh, okay then honey, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about uncle Philip?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
Long Pause
"What...swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
A policeman knocked on my door this morning...
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence. After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away. Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in mate!" He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
[Long] Since you guys liked the last one, here's another joke from my country
In a far away kingdom, the king got married to a beautiful wife. After being married to her for a year, the king started to worry that his beautiful wife might be sleeping around.
So he got a blacksmith to build a device to fit in her ladyparts which will dice anything that goes in. He managed to fit it inside of her ladyparts(don't ask how!) Without her noticing it.
The next day the king descided to take a sudden tour of the countryside and he decided to leave just 5 of his most loyal bodyguards and his court jester 'Anderee' to guard his wife in the castle.
The next day when the king retuned, he wanted to check his suspensions and ordered everyone who was in the castle with his wife to strip naked. To his suprise, all five of his bodyguards had their manhood mutelated, but Anderee didn't even have a single bruise on his man parts.
The king ordered all of his bodyguards to be executed and aproched Anderee.
"Anderee, i knew that you will stay loyal to me, for this, I'm going to give you a lot of gold and gems!"
Exited, Anderee said "tlank loo lour mathethi, i will thladly accepth youl gifth"
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and The sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and The sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Three Drunks Get into a Taxi
Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"
The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.
The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.
The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.
Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"
The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"
Shower sex in Detroit
In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower. In the survey, carried out for a leading toiletries outfit, 86% of Detroit residents said that they have had, if not enjoyed, sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they haven't yet served any time in prison.
Einstein and driver
One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the big guys in science. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him : "I'm sick of all this conferences, I always say the same things over and over !" The drivers agrees, " You're right, as your driver I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference at your place." "That's a great idea ! " says Eistein," lets switch places then !" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein go on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there was one scientist who wanted to impress everyone and thought of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he wouldn't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupt the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye and says : "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute.
... her mom says "A WHAT"?!!
The daughter says "a prostitute".
Then the mom says "Thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"
Carrie Fisher Dies at 60
Carrie Fisher Dies at 60
Carrie Fisher, the actress best known as Princess Leia Organa, has died after suffering a heart attack. She was 60.
December 28, 2016 at 12:55AM
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Got a Handjob from a Blind Girl last night...
She said "You have the biggest dick i've ever put my hands on" I said "Nah, you're pulling my leg"
A woman searches for something in the living room.
After an hour, worried, she asks her husband:
-
Have you seen my book?
-
Which one?
-
How to live to become 100 years old.
-
Ah yes. Yesterday, i threw it away.
-
But why?
-
Your mother started reading it...
William Shakespeare, Herman Melville, and a Redditor all meet up in heaven one day
Eventually, the conversation turns to the impact their literature had on the world.
Herman Melville starts boasting. He says “I wrote 15 books, and my book “Moby Dick” is still studied in schools and famous to this day”.
William Shakespeare interjects: “That’s nothing! Why, I wrote 192 works in total, and most of my plays are still studied in schools across the world. “
The two of them look pityingly at the Redditor, but to their surprise he has a big smile on his face.
“That’s nothing guys! I wrote one good joke 5 years ago, and it’s been reposted at least 4 times this week alone!”
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer
One turns to the other and asks, "does this taste funny to you?" The other responds, "no."
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's actually 12:
One to screw it in, one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination, one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination, one to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like", one to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic, one to blame men for not changing the bulb, one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it, one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs, one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs, one to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians, one to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men, and one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.
Thứ Ba, 27 tháng 12, 2016
An old man walks past a prostitute...
and she says: "Hey old timer, care to try if you still can?" The man replies: "No honey, I can't." The prostitute says: "We could always try!" The man agrees goes with her and fucks like a 20 year old.
"Jeez," says the prostitute "you said you couldn't!" The man replies: "Yes, I can still fuck, but I can't pay!"
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....
.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub... The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.
Two priests are out driving one day..
when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver "Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"
An old woman phones her husband..
An old woman called her husband during his drive home, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman said, "It's not just one car. There’s bloody hundreds of them!"
A man walks into a library...
A man walks into a library and says "Excuse me, miss, but do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian goes to the computer, types a few things in, and says "I don't think it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one..."
An Englishman, A German, and a Mexican...
...are at the Olympic stadium unsuccessfully trying to get in to watch the events without tickets.
The Englishman sees that next to the stadium there is a construction site. He walks over and picks up a large construction hammer and takes it to the stadium entrance.
The security guard says "where is your ticket?"
The Englishman says: Michael Kensington, hammer throw..I'm late
The guard lets him in right away.
The German, seeing this, walks to the construction site and picks up a steel bar and takes it to the entrance.
The security guard says "where is your ticket?"
The German says: Maximillian Von Heidelberg: Javelin...I am late.
The guard lets him in right away.
The Mexican, seeing this, walks over the to construction yard and takes a few planks of wood and some steel cable to the entrance.
The security guard says "where is your ticket?"
The Mexican says: Juan Carlos De Los Parlotes De Amadeo, fencing.
George Michael: pop star dies peacefully at his home aged 53 – live reaction
George Michael: pop star dies peacefully at his home aged 53 – live reaction
The Wham! star and solo artist famous for hits including "Last Christmas," "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" and "Careless Whisper" died peacefully at home on Sunday.
December 26, 2016 at 12:35PM
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A man and a woman are getting married
Coming from very conservative families, they had been completely chaste, never having even seen each other naked.
The day before their wedding, the woman comes up to her fiancé and says "Honey, I've got something to tell you. I've been stuffing my bra, I'm actually very flat chested" and the groom surprised but fully accepting of this revelation says "I've got something to tell you as well. I have a baby penis"
The bride, obviously moved by his acceptance and honesty embraces him and they get ready for their wedding. It's an absolutely beautiful ceremony, held in a lovely garden.
Then that night, they get ready to consumate their marriage in their honeymoon suite. The woman removes her bra, and she is flat as a board, really no breasts to speak of. The man removes his pants, and as he removes his underwear, out flops this WHALE of a cock. And the bride says "I thought you had a baby penis!"
And the groom goes "yeah, 8 pounds 7 ounces"
Sarcasm
Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use sarcasm himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said "Hey, great weather."
Math jokes never work on me
I have trouble differentiating them. They aren't an integral part of my life and most of the time they just don't add up.
Thứ Hai, 26 tháng 12, 2016
Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar
Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not to me, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
A panda walks into a bar...
And eats some beer nuts, he then pulls out a gun fires it in the air heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender and the panda yells back "I'm a panda google me" and sure enough 'panda: a tree climbing mammal with distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.'
A couple was having a conversation, when...
...the husband turns to his wife and tells her: "I bet you can't say one thing that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
The wife thinks about it for a second and then replies: "Yours is bigger than your friends'."
Pakistan president calls to Obama in the morning
And says "I'm sorry to hear about the terrorist attacks in New York, I wanted to be the first one to call and show my support to America"
After a pause Obama replies "What attack? I have no news of such attacks yet"
A dramatic silence prevails
After a while Obama hears a voice on phone that sounded like someone shouting "shit I forgot about the time difference".
Im going to nickname my penis 'The Truth'...
...Because you want the truth, but you can't handle the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts.
A man walks into a bar..
...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
Bill complained to his friend that his elbow hurt, so his friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything.
He said ''Just insert a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he inserted the sample and deposited the $10. After a pause, the computer popped out a slip of paper.
It said "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening, Bill began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and hair samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, inserted the sample and waited in anticipation. The computer, after a pause, printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
I was tickling my brothers feet last night...
...and my mum woke up and had a right go at me. It was something about waiting until he's born first.
So a child is going through his mom's purse & takes out her driver's license...
His mom catches him reading it and just mildly scolds him.
The kid says "but I learned so much about you from it".
She says "well, ok, what did you learn about me"
"Well, says the kid... "I know your age now"
"and what is that?" asks his mother
"You're old" says the kid
"and i learned your height"
"Which is?' says the mother
"Your really tall" he says
"Well, yes, i am tall for a woman"
"and, i learned your weight" he says
"and what is that?" asks the mother
"a lot for a woman your height" the kids says
the mother sighs and says "well, that's not nice, but i can't argue that"
"and" the kid says "i know why dad divorced you"
"Huh? what?" says the mother, "how on earth did you get that from a drivers license"
"Because, you got an 'F' in sex"
Chủ Nhật, 25 tháng 12, 2016
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potato
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1 boiled potato
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50fuckingboiledpotatoes
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50FUCKINGboiledpotatoes
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IwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAss,IfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately
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NowIamSeriouslyGettingPissedOffIwillShove50FuckingBoiledPotatoesUpYourAssIfYouDoNotGiveMeAccessImmediately
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Y'know Mahatma Gandhi?
Well, he walked a lot, and that means he had really calloused feet.
He also had an odd diet, that didn't consist of much, which made him frail.
This diet also gave him very bad breath.
This made him...
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
'Twas the day before Christmas...
'Twas the day before Christmas...
Digg Editions gets you the most out of the internet with top news and the most interesting stories handpicked by our editors
December 24, 2016 at 09:19PM
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A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.
"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"
"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
Dave cannot make his wife cum.
He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."
The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"
"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"
"Then get some air-con"
"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"
"Well, Dave, do you have a good mate?"
"Yeah, I've got a mate Francis"
"Well, ask your mate Francis to stand over you and the mrs with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."
So, Dave asks Francis for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Dave is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Francis fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her.
Dave says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Dave takes the towel and starts wafting Francis, who is now shagging Dave's wife.
Not long after, Dave's wife goes "Oooh... oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!"
Dave shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Francis?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"
A Teacher asks the students..
"Is it possible to insert 2 holes through one hole?"
Nobody is able to answer
Teacher: "You guys are so stupid. Go and ask your parents and come back tomorrow with an answer."
The next day too, nobody is able to answer the question.
Teacher: "Well, it seems your parents are stupid as well. See the answer is so simple."
Then the teacher makes a circle using his thumb and index finger and keeps it in front of his nostrils.
Teacher: "See, it was so simple, yet nobody was able to answer."
The next day, a student comes up to the teacher and says, "Sir, my father has asked if it's possible to insert 7 holes through one hole?"
Teacher: "No, that's impossible."
Students: "It is possible, my father said."
Teacher : "How?"
Student: "Take a flute and shove it up your ass."
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.
He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go.
Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said,No, sir. I'm too scared.' "So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.
She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
"Actually" he said, "it didn't cost anything.
The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"
Thứ Bảy, 24 tháng 12, 2016
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, But as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, A dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
[long]This is a joke from my country
Once upon a time in a far away kingdom, there was a young princess who never left the castle and had no knowlage about the outside world. The king being worried that the princess might never learn about the life outside the castle, asked his court jester 'Anderee' to take the princess out to the countryside and show her around.
So Andree and princess got into a carriage and set off to the countryside. The princess being very naive, was asking Anderee about everything she sees "what is that?"," who is that?". After about 2 hours in, Anderee started to get annoyed by all the questions.
Suddenly a rabbit jumped infront of the carriage, and the princess asked "what is that?". Anderee screemed "BLOW ME AND I'LL TELL YOU!"
After a while, a deer jumped infront of the carriage, and the princess asked "what is that?". Anderee screemed "BLOW ME AND I'LL TELL YOU!"
Later on a skupperjack jumped infront of the carriage...........
A teacher decided to teach sex ed.
A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"
And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"
And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"
And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."
The Rockettes Have a Choice--Perform for Trump or Lose Their Jobs
The Rockettes Have a Choice--Perform for Trump or Lose Their Jobs
After they were confirmed to perform at Trump's inauguration, many Rockettes are disgusted with having to perform for the incoming president.
December 23, 2016 at 11:01PM
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A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday/
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin ?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.
An old lady in London...(a true story)
Around a week ago I was waiting in queue behind an old lady at KFC. She placed her order, paid in cash, and all was well until she received one of those new plastic £5 notes as change from the cashier.
She vocally expressed her dislike about the presence of animal products in the new £5 bills, saying that it was unethical and disgusting. She politely requested the cashier to swap it for an old one, but without a new purchase, the cashier couldn't open the till.
As I just so happened to have an old £5 bill on hand, I stepped in to offer the old lady an exchange, and she seemed suitably content afterwards. I thought to myself,
"Ah, that resolved itself rather nicely. I managed to make a person's life a bit brighter, and in turn I feel happier myself too :D"
...Then it hit me.
What the hell was she doing at KFC?!?!
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible
. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night, thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you ... be some drinkin."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter ... just gonna be the two of us."
Being successful is like getting pregnant..
..Everyone will come to congratulate you but no one dares to ask how hard and how many times you were fucked.
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the North side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Looking for his wife...
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
“You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Thứ Sáu, 23 tháng 12, 2016
A man in a hotel lobby ;)
He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am if your heart is as soft as your breast, then I'm sure you'll forgive me" The woman replies "If your penis is as hard as that elbow, I'll be in room 436"
*The Glasgow Brothel*
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties.
“May I help you sir?” she asked.
“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.
“No, I must see Valerie,” he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged ￡5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still ￡5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, the man asked Valerie to sign a receipt that she had received ￡15000. She was astonished nevertheless signed on the receipt and said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row and for sure this is the first time anyone has asked me to sign a receipt. Where are you from?”
The man replied, “Edinburgh.”
“Really”, she said. “I have family in Edinburgh .”
“I know.” the man said. “Your sister died, and I’m her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver you ￡15,000 inheritance in person.”
Two things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Being screwed by a lawyer.
The moon landing was staged
The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.
Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?
It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.
An old married couple is lying in bed when...
the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
Sugar is a toxic agent that creates conditions for disease
Sugar is a toxic agent that creates conditions for disease
A potent toxin that alters hormones and metabolism, sugar sets the stage for epidemic levels of obesity and diabetes.
December 22, 2016 at 11:32PM
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A man walks into a store to buy condoms
He notices that there are Olympic condoms on sale. He returns home and tells his wife, "Honey I bought Olympic condoms for us tonight!"
Wife: What's so special about them.
Husband: Well, there's a gold one, a silver one and a bronze one.
Wife: Which one are you gonna wear tonight?
Husband: The gold one of course!
Wife: Why don't you wear the silver one, it would be nice if you came second for a change.
One day, a red fruit loop looked at himself in the mirror and said, "I need to become an orange fruit loop."
It was a daunting task. But after working out for two hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a degree in economics, wa-zaam! he was an orange fruit loop. But he was still hungry.
Again Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "I need to become a yellow fruit loop." It was a daunting task, but after working out for two-and-a-half hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a phD in physics, wa-zaam! he was a yellow fruit loop. But he was still hungry.
Looking at himself in the mirror once again, he said, "I need to become a green fruit loop." It was certainly a daunting task. But green fruit loops lived a lavish life, with multiple cars and big houses. Simply put, he couldn't pass up the opportunity. But their was a risk: humans loved green fruit loops. Accepting the risk, he worked three hours a day, with five-gram weights, and became a famous musician. Wa-zaam! He was now a green fruit loop. But somehow, despite his now-lavish lifestyle, he was still hungry.
So, looking at himself in the mirror one day, he said, "I need to become a blue fruit loop." Yes, that's right, a blue fruit loop: the highest honor in all the lands. It took hard, hard work, and was a very daunting task indeed. And there was a risk: humans love, love blue fruit loops. But he was on a mission, and was committed on becoming a blue fruit loop, whatever it would take. He worked out six-hours a day, with ten-gram weights. He studied law and decided to run for president. He was a poet, an artist, a musician, a scientist, and a scholar. He even read some old Reddit post about the steps needed to become a monk and took seven years becoming that, too. And on Election Day, wa-zaam! he won the presidency, and became a blue fruit loop. He now had the best lifestyle achievable. He had was admired throughout the lands, was the president U.S.F.L. (United States of Fruit Loops), and had a beautiful family. So one day, he decided to celebrate with his family, and take his sons, Jake and Jim (two red fruit loops) to an amusement park. They had a blast. They tried all the games, slid down all the slides, and went on all the roller-coasters. But it was a hot day, and at the end of all the fun, Jake and Jim were both exhausted and dehydrated. "Can we go get some water, Dad?" they asked their blue-fruit-loop-father. "Sure, go ahead" their blue-fruit-loop-father replied. A few minutes later, Jake and Jim came back, with no water. "The water line is really long" they said. "Can we go get some lemonade?" "Sure," their father replied. But again they returned, with no lemonade. "The lemonade line is really long too!" they exclaimed. "Can we go get some fruit punch?" "Sure." their father replied. But at that very instant, a big fan of their father pulled him aside. "You know, you are the only fruit loop to ever achieve blue status." the fan said, shaking with excitement. "What's your secret to success?"
But at that very instant, his sons returned, both with gleaming smiles and fruit punches. "Great news!" they told their father. "There is no punch line."
Note: I heard this joke from a friend three years ago. Not sure if it's ever gone around Reddit, but I wouldn't be surprised.
Two great white sharks...
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
The father added, "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"
Thứ Năm, 22 tháng 12, 2016
A woman playing golf......
......hit a man nearby.
The man put his hands together between his legs, fell on the ground and started rolling around in pain.
The woman rushed to him and offered to relieve his pain, since she was a doctor.
She gently took his hands away, unzipped his pants and put her hands inside. She then massaged him tenderly for a few minutes and asked, "How does it feel?"
The man replied, "Feels good, but I think my thumb is still broken!"
Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.
The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."
The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"
A farmer has 895 sheep.
Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.
So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help.
"Why yes," says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don't think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many."
The shopkeeper says, "I've got just the thing for you." and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting.
"Are you sure?" asks the farmer, "I have very many sheep and I don't think one dog will be able to round all of them up.".
"I'm sure." says the shopkeeper, "This is a very intelligent dog. He's been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I've ever seen."
"Yes," says the dog, "I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering." The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn't be impressed by that?- decides to take him home.
That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. "Well," says the farmer, "I'd like you to round up all of these sheep.".
"Okay." replies the dog, "You have nine hundred sheep."
The first blonde GUY joke
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said: "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch and exclaimed, Burritos again!" If I get burritos one more time in my lunch, I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping off, too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw the corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch bucket, saw the bologna sandwich and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage. I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch".
Black Testicles
An older man is in the hospital. A nurse walks in and he asks, "Are my testicles black?" The nurse, taken by surprise replies, "I'm sorry?" So he asks again "Are my testicles black?" Nurse shakes her head but decides to check for him, after all she is a nurse. She lifts his robe, takes his testicles in hand, lifts and inspect them. She lowers his robe, raises back up to him and says " Mr. Johnson, you'll be happy to hear your testicles aren't black." He looks at her, removing his oxygen mask and says, "That's great and all but are my test results back?"
I was having sex with a woman when her husband got home early
She told me to use the back door and to be quick.
I probably should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.
Failed my biology test today...
They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?" Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.
The movie that doesn’t exist and the Redditors who think it does
The movie that doesn’t exist and the Redditors who think it does
Over the years, hundreds of people online have shared memories of a cheesy Nineties movie called “Shazaam”. There is no evidence that such a film was ever made. What does this tell us about the quirks of collective memory?
December 22, 2016 at 04:29AM
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I was at a job interview today.
The interviewer said to me, "On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery."
I said, "That's correct."
He said, "Would you like to elaborate?"
I said, "No."
Thứ Tư, 21 tháng 12, 2016
My wife asked me: "Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home."
I replied: " I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"
I got arrested at the airport last week...
Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
Two scientists walk into a bar...
The first one says, "I'd like some H2O." The second says, "And I'll have some H2... wait. Why aren't you just referring to water by its normal name? I mean, I know it's our job, but we're just getting a drink."
The first scientist slams the table angrily, for his assassination scheme had been foiled.
When Mental Illness Is Mistaken for Demonic Possession | Broadly
When Mental Illness Is Mistaken for Demonic Possession | Broadly
When Nadia was 18, her parents took her to a Muslim faith healer who claimed to be able to exorcize her depression.
December 20, 2016 at 10:45AM
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What's the best part about fingering...
What's the best part of fingering a psychic while she's on her period?
You still get your palm red
I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Star Wars.
She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.
What's in a name?
A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."
Oh, no, the new mother thinks. He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
Not bad, she thinks. I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"
"DeNephew."
Man gets fired from his job...
...And dreading going home to his wife, he instead heads to a nearby bar. The man saddles up to the bar and orders a Jack and Coke. The bartender smiles, pulls an apple from under the bar, shines it against his shirt, and sets it on the bar.
"I said a Jack and Coke," complains the man. "What the hell is this?"
The bartender chuckles and says, "Just eat the apple."
The man shrugs, thinking that maybe the bartender just wants him to get something in his stomach before drinking. He takes a bite of the apple and to his surprise, it tastes like Coca-Cola.
"Wow," the man exclaims, "that really tastes like a Coke! But where's the Jack Daniels?"
"Turn the apple around," advises the bartender. The man does so, takes a bite, and is again shocked when it tastes like whiskey. The man eagerly finishes that apple.
"Alright, let's shee if you can do a Screwdriver," the man says, feeling a bit tipsy.
The bartender reaches under the bar again, pulls out another apple, shines it against his shirt, and sets it on the bar.
"Bullshit," says the man incredulously. "You gonna shtand there and shay this apple is gonna taste like a Shcrewdriver?"
The bartender says, "Just eat the apple."
The man takes a bite and reels back, "God, that's some strong vodka! But you forgot the orange juice."
"Turn the apple around," advises the bartender. The man does, takes a bite, and laughs giddily as the apple tastes like the best Screwdriver he's ever had.
At this point, the man is feeling quite drunk. Seeing as how he's the only person in the bar, he blurts out to the bartender, "Ya know what I could reeeaaally go for? Shum pusshy."
The bartender smiles, pulls an apple from under the bar, shines it against his shirt, and sets it on the bar.
"No fucking way. That'sh bullshit! No fucking way," the man shouts. "You're telling me that thish apple ish gonna tashte like a pusshy?!"
The bartender says, "Just eat the apple."
The man takes a huge bite. A look of pure shock shows on his face. He yells, "Ugh, this tastes like SHIT!"
"Turn the apple around."
Whom to fire?
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, “We’re making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off.”
Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, “Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don’t know whom to fire.”
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.
Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, “Barbara, I’ve got a problem. You see, I’ve got to lay you or Jack off and I don’t know what to do?”
Barbara replied, “You’d better jack off. I’ve got a headache.”
Thứ Ba, 20 tháng 12, 2016
When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'.
I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"
Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Experimenting on a frog
----Experiment log #1938----
Removed the front legs of a frog and asked it to jump. The frog jumped.
Conclusion: when you remove the front legs of a frog, it can still jump.
Removed the back legs of a frog. Asked it to jump. The frog jumped.
Conclusion: When you remove the back legs of a frog, it can still jump.
Removed all the legs of a frog. Asked it to jump. The frog did not jump.
Conclusion: When you remove all the legs of a frog, it becomes deaf.
The first woman on the Moon...
"Houston, we have a problem."
"What?"
"Never mind."
"What's the problem?"
"Nothing."
"Please tell us?"
"You know what the problem is."
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.
So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."
So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.
"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."
And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
I went in for a job interview
The interviewer asked, "What do you think your biggest weakness is?"
I responded, "I have a tendency to be vague..."
He said, "Could you elaborate?"
"Yes"
A drunk man comes home at 3 am to a not so happy wife...
She yells from the window: "I'm not letting you in this time!"
To what he responds: "But, I bring flowers for the most beautiful woman in the world!"
A smile comes to her face and she runs down to open the door.
Wife: Where are my flowers?
Man: Where the hell is the most beautiful woman in the world!?!?!
I object to female genital mutilation.
It is hard enough find a clitoris with having to scrabble through the skip bin behind a Somali mosque.
This maths test can predict your favourite film (mine was Star Wars)
- Pick a number between 1 and 9.
- Multiply by 3
- Add 3 to that number
- Multiply by 3 again
- Add the two digits together
Now discover your favourite film!
- Oliver Twist
- Saving Private Ryan
- Gone with the Wind
- Star Wars
- Jaws
- The Godfather
- Citizen Kane
- Pulp Fiction
- The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Sheep and Oiled-Up Grandpas
- Forrest Gump
Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown.
She goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?" she asks.
The shepherd agrees. She blurts out, "352!"
The shepherd is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.
"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"
"Hey lady," says the shepherd. "If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"
The Chevy Bolt Is the Ugly Car of the (Very Near) Future
The Chevy Bolt Is the Ugly Car of the (Very Near) Future
With brilliant financial engineering, GM beats Tesla to the punch.
December 19, 2016 at 09:33PM
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A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 Wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, BOOM! Hole-in-one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK, frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, you honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
Thứ Hai, 19 tháng 12, 2016
Why girls don't have willys
Little brother came into the kitchen and declared "mom, now I know why girls don't have willys! They fall off, and I found yours under your pillow"
A guy in a van pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce
at a red light and asks, "Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?" The Rolls owner nods.
"So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?" The Rolls owner nods again. "Me too. What about a double bed?"
"No. Do you?" asks the Rolls guy. "Yep." The light changes and the van takes off. Jealous, the Rolls guy heads to a Pimp My Rolls customising shop and gets a double bed installed, then drives around until he finds the van parked on the side of the road. He raps on the window.
"Guess what? I got a double bed put in my car, too."
The van owner peers out. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"
A man brings home flowers to his wife
A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.
Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"
His wife replies "For the flowers of course"
He thinks for a moment and asks "Don't we have a vase?"
A warning to all you drivers at Christmas
A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a Bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a Bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from....
A mathematician is afraid of flying
A mathematician is afraid of flying due to the small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with his hand luggage. "The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero."
I have an EpiPen
A man lying on the roadside gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
A frog goes into a bank...
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" ?
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
The Deranged Twitter Thread That Proves Establishment Liberals Have Lost Their Minds
The Deranged Twitter Thread That Proves Establishment Liberals Have Lost Their Minds
Last week, a daft 127-tweet thread went viral and earned praise from several prominent liberal writers and thinkers. The popularity of such a disjointed and conspiratorial argument as this should be cause for concern.
December 19, 2016 at 03:19AM
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Blonde Joke of the day
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"
The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see." :-D
Chủ Nhật, 18 tháng 12, 2016
Inventor displays the first knife ever.
His friend, "that's the greatest invention since bread" Inventor, "well I'm about to blow your mind"
So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo...
...right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one. Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get people's attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lion's den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke around 8 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
Ten dollars is ten dollars.
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
The geography of men and women.
The geography of a woman:
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered , half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
The geography of a man:
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.
(I hope I didn't offend anyone from any particular country. Just a simple joke. Peace!)
Today, I played God.
I saw a bug, suffering. I watched it for a couple of minutes. Then I kept watching, and watching, and watching...
So a guy walks into an ice cream shop..
He asks the clerk 'hello sir may I have a quart of vanilla?'
The clerk politely responds 'Im sorry we're fresh out of vanilla'
The man clearly disappointed says 'ah shucks alright I guess I'll just take a pint of vanilla'
The clerk slightly agitated states 'Sir we are completely out of vanilla. I don't have anymore.'
The man lets out a sigh and says 'ok ok fine I'll just take a cone of vanilla.'
The clerk gives him a blank stare for a moment and says 'sir spell the straw in strawberry'
'S-T-R-A-W'
'Spell the choc in chocolate'
'C-H-O-C'
'Ok now spell the fuck in vanilla'
'But there's no fuck in vanilla'
'THATS WHAT IM TRYING TO TELL YOU'
This is one smart-looking Edition.
This is one smart-looking Edition.
Digg Editions gets you the most out of the internet with top news and the most interesting stories handpicked by our editors
December 17, 2016 at 09:06PM
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Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...
The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"
Saint Peter said, "Your wish is granted!"
POOF
She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfill her fantasy.
The second nun agreed and said, "I'd like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?"
Saint Peter said again, "Your wish is granted!"
POOF
Away she went!
The third nun nodded her head in agreement, "I too would like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Alice Gan Pipalini?"
With a confused look, Saint Peter replied, "I'm sorry Sister, but I do not know of her? Is she a famous starlet?"
The Sister squealed with excitement,"Oh my, yes, yes she is! She's the most famous one of them all! Why, look at this article I've been saving for years!"
And with that, she reached into her pocket and pulled out an old, yellow, folded up newspaper article, which she handed to him with shaking hands.
Saint Peter slowly unfolded the paper and read the headline aloud,"Alaskan Pipeline laid by 500 men in one week."
Thứ Bảy, 17 tháng 12, 2016
a young man walking down the street gets approached by a hooker....
She asked him...
"Want to have a good time?"...
"Sure"... he says....
They head off to the nearest hotel...
She takes off her clothes...all the while he's staring at her..... The hooker says...."is this the first time you've seen a pussy since you crawled out of one?"
"Nope..just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into!"
Two Jews meet in a NY subway
A Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
(Re-posted from this morning because something must have happened to it, if the mods had of taken it down I'm sure they would have provided a reason why, and not been dicks about it. So I'll save them the trouble and be a gentleman about it.)
The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad...
He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."
Three engineers were arguing about what kind of engineer God is.
Electrical engineer: "surely God is an electrical engineer, the brain and nerves are a symphony of exquisite circuitry."
Mechanical engineer: "no, look at the ballet between bone, muscle and sinew. God must be a mechanical engineer."
Civil engineer: "God is a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipe right through a recreational area."
(the joke is by Robin Williams, I think)
Two Jews meet in a NY subway
a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
Barack Obama promises retaliation against Russia over hacking during US election
Barack Obama promises retaliation against Russia over hacking during US election
“I think there is no doubt that when any foreign government tries to impact the integrity of our elections… we need to take action,” Obama said. “And we will – at a time and place of our own choosing.
December 16, 2016 at 08:31PM
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$100 BILL TATTOO
A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."
We have a strange custom in our office...
The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Michael".
I slipped on some black ice yesterday.
At first I thought it was regular ice, but when I got back on my feet, I noticed my wallet was gone.
Thứ Sáu, 16 tháng 12, 2016
Dave and his bitch.
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin ?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
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