He said he can't complain...
Thứ Ba, 31 tháng 1, 2017
A soldier ran up to a nun
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had...
Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.
The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.
Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.
The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantly, he returns in a huge flock of bats. His hands are covered in blood.
With a cackle, he points down the road.
"You see that abandoned coach down there? I slaughtered everyone in it! The driver, a nobleman and his wife, their three sons, and a guardsman! All dead...
Is it because I'm blonde?
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to G, but I said it to N. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J,...
A girl realised that she had grown hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”...
My wife called me at work today.
"Honey, do you want to come home at lunch for a quickie?"
"Sarah, it's pronounced Quiche."...
A gorilla dies of old age in a zoo
Being the only gorilla in the zoo, the zoo officials couldn't afford to lose the only attraction keeping their failing zoo business afloat.
So they immediately decided to hire one of the zookeepers for an extra $100/day to wear the gorilla costume they have in storage and pretend to be the gorilla until they can afford a new one.
For weeks, the zookeeper did lots of tricks in his gorilla suit to the astonishment of thousands of spectators watching the "human-like" gorilla.
About a month in, the popularity started to wane. So to get the attention...
Six reportedly killed in attack on Québec mosque
Six reportedly killed in attack on Québec mosque
The mosque’s president, Mohamed Yangui, said five people were killed. About 40 people were thought to be in the building — the Québec City Islamic cultural center on Sainte-Foy Street — at the time. Canadian PM Justin Trudeau has condemned the shooting as a "terrorist attack."
January 30, 2017 at 07:31PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2khPM...
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and.....
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."...
A man named Eric Cole...
... discovered that there was a direct correlation between the amount of mayonnaise on his cabbage salad and how good it tastes. He's calling this correlation Cole's Law....
Thứ Hai, 30 tháng 1, 2017
A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...
...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters....
A programmer goes shopping
A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.
"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"
So the programmer went shopping.
When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked
"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"
The programmer responded.
"they have eggs"...
having sex for pleasure
Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin.
I had to shag a lot of animals to find that out....
Thousands of people are protesting Trump’s immigration order at airports across America
Thousands of people are protesting Trump’s immigration order at airports across America
In the chaos that has followed President Trump's executive order banning people from seven Muslim-majority countries — including green card holders — protests have broken out at airports across the country where foreigners have been detained.
January 29, 2017 at 10:55AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2jDck...
Little Johnny is always being teased by.....
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"...
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles...
Chủ Nhật, 29 tháng 1, 2017
A guy dies and wakes up on a beach.
Nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbecues everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole...
2 Christians are lost in the Arabian desert
The first day is hot, and they're miserable after running out of food and water. The night is surprisingly cold and even worse than the day. The second day and night are even worse.
On the third morning, hotter than the past 2 days, they see a mosque. "We're saved!" exclaims one. The other is wary and says he doesn't think they'll help Christians. The first says he doesn't care, he's so hungry he'd rather be killed than starve. The second one decides to tell them he's Muslim.
They arrive and the first man says he's Christian and asks for help....
The Unemployed Engineer
An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." The Doctor gets annoyed and goes...
3 women are talking about their sex lives. One is married with kids, one is engaged and one has a friend with benefits.
The 3 women decide together to give a suprise to their partners and say they will wear the same outfit: black leather lingerie, black eye mask and high heels. After a few days they meet again and discuss to compare the results.
The engaged girl says "well, when he got home and saw me with a black leather body, black eye mask and black high heels, he said 'you are the woman of my life, I love you' and we made love all night".
The girl with a FWB says "well, the other day I went to his office, I was wearing a black leather body, a black eye mask,...
Immigrants, Green Card Holders Detained As Airports After Trump Refugee Order
Immigrants, Green Card Holders Detained As Airports After Trump Refugee Order
In addition to immigrants from the banned countries, human rights groups reported that legal permanent residents of the United States who hold green cards were being stopped in foreign airports as they sought to return from funerals, vacations or study abroad — a clear indication that Mr. Trump’s directive is being applied broadly.
January 29, 2017 at 03:23AM
via Digg...
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The...
An Australian walks into a US bar...
...with a crocodile under his arm. The bartender takes one look and says, "Hey! You can't bring that dangerous animal in here!"
"Dangerous? That ridiculous!" the Aussie proclaims. "Watch this!"
He places the croc on a table and grabs a nearby newspaper, rolling it up. He hits the croc over the head. The croc's jaws slowly open. The Australian whips out his dick, lays it over the crocodile's teeth, and hits it on the head again. The croc closes it's mouth ever-so-gently, not breaking his skin.
"Anyone else wanna try it?" the Australian asks.
A...
Trying to think of a new password
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50fuckingboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50FUCKINGboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS:...
Thứ Bảy, 28 tháng 1, 2017
..Trump said "Buy american, Hire american"
Standing on an Ikea podium from Sweden, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from France, smiling at a 4K Sony Japanese Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser German microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in Switzerland
he patriotically said .."Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants". while standing beside a Slovenian wife...
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge
"This is not working I'm going to my mum's house."
So, I opened the fridge's door, the light came on and the juice was cold.
What the hell did she mean?
...
A guy has a massive crush on a girl
A guy has a massive crush on this girl. He is so enchanted by her that every time he see's her he gets an instant boner. In order to avoid any embarassment from an obvious boner he decides to call the girl and ask her out over the phone. To his surprise she agrees almost instantly and they make plans. As soon as he hangs up he thinks, "shit, what am I gonna do, I'll get a boner as soon as I see her and she'll never talk to me again." So like a man, he finds the perfect solution to him problem. He duct tapes and ties his dick to his leg. On date...
[long] a female class teacher was having problems with a kid in her class
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Primary 3. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Primary 4. I am smarter than my sister and she's in Primary 4".
The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Primary 4.
Principal: What is 3+3?
Boy: 6.
Principal: 6+6.
Boy: 12.
Principal: 5x9.
Boy: 45.
The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Primary 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions...
Not Horny.....
A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."...
“You took so much time to joke me”-two hours trolling a Windows support scammer
“You took so much time to joke me”-two hours trolling a Windows support scammer
Tech support scammers in India got trapped on the phone with me for nearly two hours, and all they got was a revocation of their remote access software ID.
January 27, 2017 at 11:19PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2kBm4...
Muslim book store in New York: A man asks if they have the latest Donald Trump book on immigration.
"Fuck off, get out and don't come back" says the store owner.
"That's the one!" says the man...
A teacher is working on word problems with her students
A teacher is working on word problems with her students and asks, "if there are 3 birds on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left?" A boy raises his hand and says, "zero. Because if you shoot one the other two fly away" The teacher responds, "no, there's two left but that's creative and I like the way you think." After that the boy says "ok, three women are sitting on a bench eating ice cream. One is biting it, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which woman is married?" The teacher says, "well I guess the one sucking it." The boy...
So I took this babe back to my place. . .
. . . for a solid three and a half minutes of shagging. We're lying there afterwards and she asks, "Why don't you have a clock in your bedroom?"
"I do have a clock - a wall clock."
"What's a wall clock?"
So I bang on the wall. From next door a voice, "Hey asshole! Don't you know it's 3 in the morning?!"...
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down...
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.
He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he...
Thứ Sáu, 27 tháng 1, 2017
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road."
The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying...
I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life...
Jack and Jill went up the hill
So Jack could lick Jill's fanny. Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock 'cause Jill's a goddam tranny!...
Watch ABC's Full-Length Donald Trump Interview
Watch ABC's Full-Length Donald Trump Interview
In President Donald Trump's first feature-length TV interview since his inauguration, he talks to ABC's David Muir about voter fraud, the border wall, and his views on torture.
January 26, 2017 at 08:13PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2jU3j...
A cowboy from Texas
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.
When we all left our home...
Thứ Năm, 26 tháng 1, 2017
A housewife takes a lover during.....
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is."...
A man stumbles upon a Genie and is granted 3 wishes.
Genie: What is your first wish?
Joe: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted. What is your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money....
A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door.
He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.” The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”...
"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..........What's the problem,.... Cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."
"Bummer, mate...!!!"
"Thanks mate, I hadnt thought of that. Bye."...
Wife walks up to husband, takes off her pants and says, "Make me feel like a woman"
Husband takes off his pants, tosses it to his wife and says, "That needs a wash."
Edit: I had a feeling butthurt people will be coming in shortly. Bring on the downvotes!...
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla....
A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...
...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'
The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'
The inmate smiles and says 'Fantastic! ...Now come over here and suck mommy's cock'....
Mossberg: What’s up with Firefox, the browser that time forgot?
Mossberg: What’s up with Firefox, the browser that time forgot?
After years of neglecting Firefox, misreading mobile users and putting most of its chips on a failed phone project, Mozilla says it is working hard to get Firefox off the mat.
January 25, 2017 at 09:29PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2jRnt...
A young man goes into a drug store to.....
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that." "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening,...
My daughter always said she wanted to see her name up in lights...
You should've seen the smile on her face when she turned to look at me and say:
"Daddy, what's an 'Amber Alert'?"...
Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter
Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.
Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just...
Thứ Tư, 25 tháng 1, 2017
An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" says his agent.
"That's great" says the actor, what is it?"
"Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner"
"That's okay" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything; What's the line?"
"'Hark I hear the cannons roar'" says the agent.
"I love it" says the actor "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday" says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark I hear the cannons roar".
"Brilliant" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening".
The actor is so chuffed...
A fifteen year old Amish boy and.....
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the...
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".
Sure, they said, you’re welcome.
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
"What do you do for a living?"
I’m a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!” was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can...
A guy was nailing his interview and the employer said "well application looks great but there's a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened?"
The guy says "oh I went to yale", The employer: Oh great your hired you start Monday.
Guy: "Yay I got a yob!"...
An Illustrated Guide to Trump's Plan for the Environment
An Illustrated Guide to Trump's Plan for the Environment
Our 45th president's contempt for environmental protections is well documented. So what will his first 100 days look like? Here's our educated guess on what could happen, based on what he's already said and done.
January 24, 2017 at 09:46PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2jjRl...
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world.
In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple:
"Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from...
An old man has been waiting in line to get into heaven for so long, that when the time came for his name to be looked up in the big book, he couldn't remember it
St. Peter was a bit frazzled and could not figure out what to do. So he calls Jesus over to help him out. Jesus begins to ask the man some questions in order to jog his memory in hopes to find his name.
Jesus: "did you have any children?"
Man: "just one...a wonderful boy."
Jesus: "hmm, alright let's press on. What was your occupation, if any?"
Man: "well, I was some sort of carpenter or woodworker of sorts."
Jesus: "oh that's odd." (Jesus begins to ponder the information hopefully before proceeding)
Jesus: "anything else we should know about you?"
Man:...
A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks what is the occasion.
The man replies 'his first blowjob'
The bartender congrats him and offers to buy him another shot
The man says that is unnecessary, if ten shots doesn't get the taste out of his mouth, one more won't make a difference....
Thứ Ba, 24 tháng 1, 2017
An Irishman walks into a job interview.
A Irishman wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the boss said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the man says, "Dats easy."
And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Tree and tree, plus tree makes 9" says the man.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The man stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes...
After 8 years, here are the promises Obama kept — and the ones he didn’t
After 8 years, here are the promises Obama kept — and the ones he didn’t
See how Obama performed on 40 of the promises he made during his two presidential campaigns.
January 24, 2017 at 06:19AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2kaIJ...
An Englishman walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport...
An Englishman walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport. The officer asks, “Do you have any felony convictions?”
The Englishman replies, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”...
I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating
I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating with a cucumber and I immediately shut the door.
"Ewe gross, I was going to eat that later, now it's going to taste like a cucumber"...
Little April is Sleeping in Class
Little April is sleeping in class. The teacher calls on her and asks "Who created the universe?"
Little Jonny, who has a small pin, wakes her up by poking her in the arm
She wakes up and yells "God Almighty!" and the teacher agrees. April goes back to sleep
A little while later the teacher calls on her again
"Who is our lord and savior?" Again Jonny wakes her up
"Jesus Christ!" The teacher nods and April goes back to sleep
Later still, the teacher calls on her again
"April, what did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?"
Jonny comes to...
How the town of Whitefish defeated its neo-Nazi trolls — and became a national model of resistance
How the town of Whitefish defeated its neo-Nazi trolls — and became a national model of resistance
"I find myself and my town under siege by hateful, cruel people, and while I'm trying to stay rooted in my values of kindness and fairness, it is getting harder."
January 23, 2017 at 07:31PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2jIFG...
It's the first day of school, and the teacher announces to the class that they will learn to speak like grownups this year.
To demonstrate, she asks the kids what they did this summer. The first child says, "I went on a choo-choo train ride." "No," the teacher says, "you went on a train ride." The second child says "I went on a tug-tug boat ride." "No," the teacher says, "you went on a boat ride." The third child says, full of pride, "I read a book." "Which one?" asks the teacher. "Winnie-the-Shit!"...
Four Surgeons ( a joke from the 40s)
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order". The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order". The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded. The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers". The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked...
A boy goes into confession...
The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl." "Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?" "Oh I can't say." "Was it Mary Jane?" "No Father." "Adalina Mozarelli?" "My lips are sealed." "How about Cindy King" "I can never say." "Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?" "No." "It has to be Tracy Cummings though!" "Father I will never tell you." "Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months." "Ok, Father" The boy leaves and his friend asks, "So what'd you get?" The boy responds,...
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...
It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
Soon he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.
Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST, FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign...
Thứ Hai, 23 tháng 1, 2017
An Irish guy, a Mexican guy, and a blond guy
An Irish guy, a Mexican guy, and a blond guy are building a skyscraper. The lunch whistle blows and they all open up their lunchboxes and look at the contents in dismay.
The Irish guy says, "Potatoes again? If I have potatoes one more time, I'm gonna throw myself off the building!"
The Mexican guy says, "Tacos again? If I have tacos one more time, I'm gonna throw myself off the building!"
The blond guy says, "Peanut butter and jelly again? If I have PBJ one more time, I'm gonna throw myself off the building!"
The next day, the Irish guy has potatoes,...
My dad told me I should fuck both of you.
Dad and Son are in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs" He says.
While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".
"You're lying" they retort.
Okay, I'll prove it then, "Dad, did you say both of them?"
"what's the point of fucking one"....
Son: "I got expelled"
Dad: "How?"
Son: "I wrote 2 + 2 = 41 on the whiteboard."
Dad: "That's pretty dumb but-"
Son: "Then my teacher told me to go up to the board..."
Dad: "Ok?"
Son: "And rub 1 out."...
A blonde walks into a bank in search of a $5000 loan
A blonde walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5000 loan.
The banker asks "Okay miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman replies "Yes, of course. I would like to use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.
They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out so they park the car in their underground garage for two...
With False Claims, Trump Attacks Media on Turnout and Intelligence Rift
With False Claims, Trump Attacks Media on Turnout and Intelligence Rift
The president falsely accused journalists of inventing a rift between him and spy agencies and of deliberately understating the size of his inauguration crowd.
January 22, 2017 at 09:00PM
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Chủ Nhật, 22 tháng 1, 2017
Four Men Went Golfing...
Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he''s so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He''s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he''s...
As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.
She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"...
which organ of the human body expands to 10 times
Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's...
A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida
A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".
The boss...
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?”
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
“Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”...
The burglar
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, turned the flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out to disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Startled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest...
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
...
Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.
One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning....
A Texan, A Russian and a New Yorker.
A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London. The waiter tells them, "Excuse me -- if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease." The Texan says, "What's a shortage?" The Russian says, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"...
Live-updating images from the historic Women's March on Washington, and what comes after statistics.
Live-updating images from the historic Women's March on Washington, and what comes after statistics.
Digg Editions gets you the most out of the internet with top news and the most interesting stories handpicked by our editors
January 21, 2017 at 09:44PM
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A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem...
He says,"Give me 2 shots..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get one shot."...
*strips naked*
"Magic mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"
Cops: "He knows we can see him from this side, right?"...
Thứ Bảy, 21 tháng 1, 2017
George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a job interview with God.
God asks Bush: “What do you believe in?”
Bush replies: “I believe in a free economy, a strong America, the American nation and so on ...”
God is impressed by Bush and tells him: “Great, come sit on the chair on my right.”
God goes to Obama and asks: “What do you believe in?”
Obama replies: “I believe in democracy, helping the poor, world peace, etc. ...”
God is really impressed by Obama and tells him: “Well done, come sit on the chair on my left.”
Finally, God asks Trump: “What do you believe in”?
Trump replies: “I believe you're sitting on my...
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the man immediately downs them one after another. The bartender says " are you ok, I've never seen anyone drink like that." The man replied "if you had what I have you would drink like that too." The bartender asks "that's rough, what do you have?"
The man replies "about $.50"....
Genie: What is your first wish?
joe: i want to be rich.
genie: granted. what is your second wish?
rich: i want lots of money....
Rogue Scientists Race to Save Climate Data from Trump
Rogue Scientists Race to Save Climate Data from Trump
As Trump threatens to defund and dismantle parts of the EPA and NOAA to hide the impact of climate change, a group of researchers are making an effort to save the data.
January 20, 2017 at 08:52PM
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A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.
The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.
The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.
The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence....
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat..
Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."...
Thứ Sáu, 20 tháng 1, 2017
A guy in a plane stood up & shouted “HIJACK!”
All passengers got scared . . . Then from the other end of the plane a guy shouted back, . . . “Hi JOHN”...
My girlfriend came out of the shower
and said "I shave my pussy, you know what that means?"
I said yeah,"the damn drain is clogged again!"....
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says
“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father...
father and his 6-year-old son
A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy." "OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further. The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex. The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit...
Joe wanted a Harley...
Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe...
A husband bought his wife a new sex toy for her birthday...
and it was voice operated. It was newest model of Vibro-dick: self-propelled and voice activated.
He brought it home to his from the sex shop in a gift wrapped box with a bow. She unwrapped the box and was surprised.
"Honey, I've never used a sex toy. I don't know if I'll like."
The husband said, "Watch this. It does all the work for you."
The husband picked up the Vibro-dick and said, "Virbo-dick, the couch."
The purple dildo floated out of the box and began pounding the couch for all it was worth. The wife watched in awe. The husband walked...
Dad called me a cunt
I always buy him socks for Xmas. I said, "you bastard, it's the thought that counts." I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs...
This is how American health care kills people
This is how American health care kills people
Matthew Stewart thought he had good insurance. Then he started vomiting blood.
January 20, 2017 at 01:44AM
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Yttrium-barium-copper oxide walks into a bar
The bartender tells him, "We don't serve superconductors here."
He leaves without resistance....
Never panic, there's always a solution
In a store in US, a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.
The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.
So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".
To his surprise, the customer was standing right behind him.
So the boy added immediately, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half".
After the customer left, the manager said "You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where...
Thứ Năm, 19 tháng 1, 2017
A woman asks her husband
A woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?" The husband replies, "I wanted to shag your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" To which the husband replies, "I think I did a pretty good job."...
Arrested for being too good in bed!
My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence....
No Hoax: 2016 Was the Hottest Year on Record
No Hoax: 2016 Was the Hottest Year on Record
This is the third consecutive year to set a new record. The streak is the steepest and most sustained surge in planetary temperatures in the modern age.
January 19, 2017 at 12:23AM
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A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.
He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.
The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."
The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's plate there are two hamburgers, and on the plate in front of the snake are 23 beef patties, plain, by themselves. The snake turns its head away in disgust.
The man fumes, "No! He wants real hamburgers too, in buns, like mine. In buns!"
The waitress starts to protest,...
An atheist is deep sea fishing.
An atheist is out on the Atlantic ocean deep sea fishing when his boat is attacked by the Kraken. Huge tentacles wrap around the boat and begin to rip it in two. He looks over the boat straight into the jaws of the beast and screams "Oh God! Help!"
Time freezes. A ray of light shines down on him and he hears a deep voice say "I thought you didn't believe I was real."
"Come on, God, cut me a break!" the man responds. "A few seconds ago, I didn't believe the Kraken was real either!"...
A millionaire enters the town of Klon.
Upon arriving he notices a particularly popular homosexual bar specifically for women. Seeing a potentially valuable investment, he enters and speaks to the owner.
"How much to own this place?" He asks.
The owner responds: "not for sale, I've got customers waiting."
The millionaire, not wanting to miss an investment, grabs the owners arm as he turns to go and says "wait, I'll do anything to own this place!"
The owner turns back to him slowly and says... "What would you do for a Klon Dyke-bar?"...
"Rabbi, why are the Jews so hated?"
At a meeting in a synagogue, a young Jew asked the wise old Rabbi: "Rabbi, why do people hate us so much?" The Rabbi thinks for a while and says "That is an interesting question. We will all talk about it tomorrow over some vodka! Each one of you shall bring a bottle of fine vodka, so we can mix it all up in a big pot and drink, discuss, and then the answer will be clear."
The young Jew went home and thought to himself "if everyone else is going to bring a bottle of vodka, I'll just bring a bottle of water and no one will be the wiser." Next day...
Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. when she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Kate told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start...
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"
His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."
"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"
"Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."
The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."...
Thứ Tư, 18 tháng 1, 2017
Once upon a time ...
Once upon a time ..a small boy named Basheer lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you are driving me crazy Basheer"...
One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her whole career...
The mother could not accept such a feed back and she took her son out from that school. she even shifted to another...
What do you call a girl who catches fish?
Anette.
Justthoughtofthisi'msorryit'sbad..
Edit: Wow, front page of /r/jokes I finally did it!...
Two gay men are on a plane.....
Their names where Justin and Ryan
"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Justin.
"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Justin stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Ryan.
So Justin and Ryan have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the...
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble
And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked...
Wife: "Can you pick up milk?"
Me: lifts gallon
"Yeah, it's easy."
Wife: "I mean from the store."
Me: "I'd imagine it weighs the same there too"...
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first...
A monkey was in a tree smoking weed...
A monkey was in a tree smoking weed...
A lizard, walking by, looked up and saw him. "Yo, Monkey." Said the lizard. "What are you doing up there?"
The monkey looked down and answered him. "I'm smoking weed."
"Can I have some?" Asked the Lizard.
"Yeah, dude. Come on up here."
So the lizard climbed the tree and smoked weed with the monkey. They smoked and smoked until the lizard's mouth got dry and he became very thirsty. "Yo, Monkey." Said the lizard. "This weed is fire, but my mouth is so dry. Do you have any water?"
"Not on me." Said the monkey....
So I was outside of a bar smoking a cigarette...
And I see this man walking an alligator on a leash and harness. As he aproaches the bar to enter, the bouncer stops him and says "hey man, are you serious? You can't bring that gator in here." The man replies "come on he's on a leash and he is very well trained. I just want to grab one drink and I'll be on my way." The bouncer says " sorry man, I can't let you in" The man insists and says "I'll show you a trick and if you're impressed you have to let us in" At this point there's a crowd forming in the street, itching to see what this guy will...
First on CNN: Trump's cabinet pick invested in company, then introduced a bill to help it
First on CNN: Trump's cabinet pick invested in company, then introduced a bill to help it
Rep. Tom Price last year purchased shares in a medical device manufacturer days before introducing legislation that would have directly benefited the company, raising new ethics concerns for President-elect Donald Trump's nominee for Health and Human Services secretary.
January 17, 2017 at 10:16AM
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A blonde joke...
A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we...
A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.
When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.
They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at a rapid pace. Jamaal is quickly transporting the coal and the two have quite the efficient operation going.
Slowly Frank's pick begins to go dull and his shovel handle is breaking off. Jamaal's transportation cart has a rickety wheel and they need replacements...
Three guys stranded on an island
I didn't make this up, and it may very well be a repost, but I heard it as a kid and haven't really ever heard it told again since. Goes something like this:
Three guys crash land on an island. Immediately they are captured by the indigenous tribal people. It becomes clear that these people are cannibals. The men beg for their lives, as anyone would. Through a bunch of hand-waving, drawing pictures in the sand, etc the men learn of a ritual the tribal people let prisoners perform in a chance to save their lives.
First, the men are sent out into...
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