Teacher : Why didn't you write your homework? Pupil : My dad is in a hospital

7 days later T : why didn't you write your homework this time? P : my dad is still in the hospital. T : wow, this must be serious. 1 month later T : Let me guess, you didn't do your homework because your father is still in the hospital. P : Indeed. T: well, how come? P : he's a doctor....

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I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at soccer...

No one expects the Spanish in position....

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People today are so politically correct. You can't even say black paint,

You have to say "Leeroy, please paint my fence."...

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Bless me father for I have sinned

A man walks into a confession booth. He says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned." The priest there says to him, "Speak my child." The man says, "Well father I lived in Hamburg during the Second World War. The Gestapo was searching for Jews to send to concentration camps, and I hid a Jewish family up in my attic." The priest is pleased. This is a rather happy confession. He says, "That is a very noble deed my son. Why would you tell me this in confession though?" The man continues, "Well Father, I also took a lot of rent from them for living...

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Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier. Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes. Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving....

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I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me.

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”...

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My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds for her birthday.

So I got her a bathroom scale....

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If the bigger your feet, the bigger your dick, and the bigger your car, the smaller your dick,

it's no wonder people are terrified of clowns....

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I have a chicken proof lawn…

It's impeccable…...

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"Sir we're mining too many useless minerals."

Hitler: "Mine less then." grammar nazi bursts in "Mine fewer" Hitler looks over "Yes?"...

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I made a graph of my past relationships.

It has an ex axis and a why axis....

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Australian Police Charge Vatican Cardinal With Sex Offenses

Australian Police Charge Vatican Cardinal With Sex Offenses Australian police say they are charging a top Vatican cardinal with historical sexual assault offenses. June 29, 2017 at 09:09AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2sT3N...

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If Donald Trump was a Sith Lord...

His name would be Taxi Vader...

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Dad: Son, do we have any 'dop ted'?

Son: What's a "dop ted"? Dad: YOU ARE! You're adopted! Son: Nice one, Dad. Dad: I'm not your Dad....

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My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved my pussy, you know what that means?

I said "yeah, the fucking drain is clogged again. "...

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There was a man in France who used to drive a train for a living...

There was a man in France who drove a train for a living. He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped...

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2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people

They need money for drugs. I need money for drugs. ...

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A Jew, a Christian, a Muslim, a Buddhist, an Agnostic and an Atheist all walk into a restaurant...

They talk, laugh, drink and become good friends. It's not a joke, it's what happens when you're not a fucking asshole....

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Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow

If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in...

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At home, they treat me like God.

I'm generally ignored until someone wants something....

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My friend said he liked the ending of his book so much, he'd jack off to it.

I just don't know how he came to that conclusion....

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I had a vasectomy. Did you know that it actually doesn't prevent your wife from getting pregnant it just changes the color of the baby.

Or at least that's what my mailman said....

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A man orders coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?". The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?". The bartender says "That would be $2.60". "Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground. The bartender doesn't want to make a scene so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee. A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill. The bartender smelled an...

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The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking,

but the invention of the broom swept the nation....

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Why do sharks live in salt water

Because pepper water makes them sneeze...

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What is Gordon Ramsay's favorite subreddit?

It's fucking r/aww...

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A man was told by his doc that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he...

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What do you call a constipated German

Farfrompoopin...

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A sadist, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac, a zoophiliac, and a masochist are sitting in a jail cell together.

The zoophiliac says, “I want to have sex with a cat.” The sadist says, “I want to torture the cat, then have sex with it.” The pyromaniac says, “I want to torture the cat, set it on fire, then have sex with it.” The necrophiliac says, “Well I want to torture the cat, set it on fire, have sex with it, kill it, and have sex with it again.” The masochist says, “Meow.”...

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A person with an art degree walks into a bar.

They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks....

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I'm done buying trash bags...

I always just end up throwing them away anyways...

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A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.” “It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.” “I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?” “Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!” “Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished....

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"Imagine the class is naked!"

Didn't work, now I'm nervous and I have a boner. Being the teacher doesn't make it any better....

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Chemistry joke.

A Chinese chemist took part in a chef competition in UK. His English was barely passable during the presentations, but his cooking skills were great, and he went on qualifying. In the last round, he got tied with another contestant for the first place. So an innovative tie-breaker was devised. Each of them was given a random substance from the shelf which they had to identify and come up with a story within a minute, that involved the substance in the punchline. The Chinese guy was given baking soda, which he did identify, but didn't know what...

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Facebook’s Secret Censorship Rules Protect White Men from Hate Speech But Not Black Children

Facebook’s Secret Censorship Rules Protect White Men from Hate Speech But Not Black Children A trove of internal documents sheds light on the algorithms that Facebook’s censors use to differentiate between hate speech and legitimate political expression. June 28, 2017 at 09:28PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2tkjt...

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Arguing with strangers online is like wrestling sharks

Even if you win, it was a really stupid thing to do....

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[nsfw] What do you call it when a leprechaun gives you a handjob?

A stroke of luck...

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A man is jacking off on a plane

There are no other people in his row as the plane is relatively empty. So he's been going at it for a couple of minutes now, but suddenly an air hostess catches him red handed. "Sir! This is not appropriate behaviour! Please stop this act immediately!" "No way woman! I'm right about to ejaculate on this plane and you can't stop me!" Distressed, the hostess walks into the Captain's cabin and says, "Sir! We have a high jacker, and he's about to shoot!"...

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At any given moment, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away.

A whim away. A whim away....

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What do you call a black guy with Parkinson's?

A chocolate shake....

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A man was crossing the jungle when he got ambushed by a group of natives.

They had fearsome tattoos and bloodthirsty expressions in their faces and in front of them their terrible chieftain, a man the size of a mountain. "Well, now I'm fucked," says the man quietly, when suddenly gusts of wind start blowing in the leaves and a mysterious voice whispers in his ear: "You are not. Take the rock lying next to your foot and bash the chieftain's skull in." The man, thankful that the spirits of the jungle stand on his side, listens to the instructions, grabs the rock and throws it at the chieftain, killing him instantly. "Now...

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You know there's no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along....

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What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?

Snowballs....

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What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home?

"Where on Earth have you been?!"...

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Can you call the British PM a fool?

During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool. The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"? Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war"....

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A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers...

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I should have known my friend was a communist.

All the red flags were there....

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I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Wonder Woman.

She said "I'm on my period and Wonder Woman is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in....

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Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.

Looks like I'm in for a pretty wild December....

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Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view. As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock. Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to ask what's wrong. "Excuse me, Son? Why are you crying?" He asks gently. The boy wipes away his tears and replies, "Oh, there's just a lot of things going wrong in my life right now. I'm sorry if I bothered you." Mr. Smith takes note of the boy's politeness, "Is there...

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The Far-Right Alliance Is Over

The Far-Right Alliance Is Over We were promised a showdown at high noon. Instead, Washington DC was host to two pitifully-attended competing rallies this Sunday, followed by a Twitter slapfight between two 39-year-old men. June 27, 2017 at 08:22AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2sKEg...

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How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, they're efficient & not very funny...

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Wrong use of the word "fuck"...

Wife has broken her leg & her Hubby comes home after work. Hubby: How are you doing? Wife: Fine. Hey, do me a favor... Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing! Hubby goes upstairs & sees Wife's two hot sisters lying on the bed. Hubby: Your sister sent me up to have sex with you girls... Sisters: Prove it! Hubby (Shouting): Hey Honey... both of them ?? Wife: (Shouting back): Of course! What's the point of fucking one???......

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There are 10 genders

Because gender is binary....

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What is the difference between 9/11 and a professional gardener?

One is an outside job...

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A farmer buys a new cock

A farmer buys a new young cock. As soon as he gets it home, the cock rushes and fucks all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock screws all 150 hens again. Now, the farmer starts getting worried. The next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks, the geese, and the lone parrot too. That evening the farmer finds the cock lying out in the field, pale, half-dead, with vultures circling his head. The farmer shouts, "you deserve that you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye slowly, points up, and replies "shhhh...don't shout, wait...

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My doctor said he thought I had the body of a 25 year old.

So naturally I had to kill him and bury him next to it....

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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?

A church....

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Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle?

Because electricity flows in the path of least resistance...

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8 dudes have as much wealth as 4 billion people. We need to start killing them

But it will take a while to kill 4 billion people...

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If Hermione was a mathematician what would her kids be named?

Hermitwo and Hermithree....

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Blonde gets caught speeding.

The cop is also a blonde. Cop: “Let me see your driver’s license.” Driver: “What’s that?” Cop: “A square thing with your picture on it.” Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop. Cop looks at it, hands it back and says, “I’m gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn’t know you were a cop.”...

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Turns out my psychologist is also a prostitute...

Totally blew my mind...

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Don't vaccinate your kids...

Smaller coffins cost less than bigger ones....

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Boy selling newspapers

A boy is selling newspapers in a street corner when a man walks up to him and says "W-w-what t-t-time is it b-boy?" The boy looks at him but doesn't say anything. "I a-asked you a q-question b-boy, W-w-what t-t-time is it?" Again the boy doesn't say anything. The man is getting angry at this point and says "D-damnit boy, I asked y-you a q-question and I e-expect an a-answer. W-w-what time is it?" The boy still doesn't answer and the man storms off. Another man comes up and asks why the kid didn't answer and the boy says "And d-do w-w-what? Get...

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I'm starting to think this country really is run by Jews

But it's still only my first week in Israel....

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6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day....

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A successful rancher died

and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks,...

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How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet.

How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that their child is in the closet!...

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A young Jewish boy goes to a new school in a small American mid-west town

The teacher asks the class, “Who was the greatest man that ever lived?” A girl raises her hand and says, “I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the father of our country.” The teacher replies, “Well, that’s a very good answer, but that’s not quite the answer I am looking for.” Another young student raises his hand and says, “I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war.” “Well, that’s another good answer, but that is not quite the one I was...

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The $100 Billion Per Year Back Pain Industry Is Mostly A Hoax

The $100 Billion Per Year Back Pain Industry Is Mostly A Hoax A new book investigates the ways people in pain are being swindled, and explains what actually works. June 26, 2017 at 09:02PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2sSVD...

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The 3 R's of recycling

Reduce, Reuse, r/jokes...

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I threw a Chinese man down the stairs...

It was Wong on so many levels....

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You meet a man on the Oregon trail...

You meet a man on the Oregon trail that tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him that Terry is a girls' name. Without hesitation Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin Terry....

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People say Michael Jackson only became a paedophile when he was white. [NSFW]

Lucky for him, if he was black he would have been found guilty....

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Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan?

Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest....

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A tennis ball walks into a restaurant....

a waiter asks: "Have you been served?"...

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A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar. "What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink. "There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out. So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east and sure enough there's a dragon. It's fire I swear hot enough to melt mountains but eventually the man manages to defeat it. A Hawaiian monk approaches the man. "You seem very strong, do you mind helping me?" The Hawaiian monk asks. "Sure, what do you need?" The man replies....

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A joke my Dad told me that I never understood when I was a child.

A man walking along a California beach is deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, Grant me one wish." The sunny Californian sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish" The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord replied, "Your request is very materialistic, think if the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports will have to reach down to the bottom of the Pacific...

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I bought a wooden whistle.

But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle. So I bought a copper whistle. But the copper steel wooden lead me whistle. So I bought a tin whistle. Now I can whistle....

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There was a kid that was born with no eyelids.

The doctor was able to use the skin from the circumcision to make him new eyelids. It went really well other than the fact the kid is a little cock-eyed...

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A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs.

It blew my mind because I've been his customer for years! I had NO IDEA he was a barber!...

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Husband: "I want a divorce...

My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months" Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."...

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Did you hear about the crematorium employee who took a nap on a gurney during his break?

He got fired for sleeping on the job....

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My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce....

We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side....

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Recently asked a friend, "What's the worst thing about being divorced three times?"

With some thought, he finally said, “Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...” “How is that a bad thing?” I wondered. He replied, “Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.”...

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I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine...

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O and o

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking meth and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuaed them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge asked the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people?...

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'Glow' Star Betty Gilpin: What It's Like To Have Pea-Sized Confidence With Watermelon-Sized Boobs

'Glow' Star Betty Gilpin: What It's Like To Have Pea-Sized Confidence With Watermelon-Sized Boobs From "GLOW" star Betty Gilpin: "I won’t name names, but sometimes a TV set can be a shame-and-fear obstacle course for an actress." June 26, 2017 at 12:37AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2sFmR...

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A lawyer was late for an appointment at his office and decided to run a stop sign.

As luck would have it, a farmer was proceeding through on his tractor at that very moment, and there was a tremendous crash! Fortunately, no one was hurt. The lawyer decided to go on the offense and jumped out of his car. "You idiot!" he yelled. "Why weren't you paying attention? Now I'm gonna be late for my appointment. You better believe you're gonna regret this day!" The farmer calmly surveyed the scene. "Look, young fella, you're all worked up. Neither one of us is hurt -- it's just our rides that are a little banged up," he said. Then he...

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I invented a new word.

Plagiarism....

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"Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything.

"Dad, are you sure?" "Absolutely!"...

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A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table…

As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion,...

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What's a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Customer, Your internet service has been terminated due to copyright infringement....

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My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs...

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Without Arabians, 9/11 wouldn't exist.

It would be IX/XI instead....

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I bought Prince's greatest hits the other day for £20.

But I partied like it was £19.99...

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[NSFW] A female prostitute gives a southern man the time of his life...

When they finish the man asks "Geee Miss, how much do I owe ya?" The prostitute replies "For you, hon? Only 20 dollars." The southern man replies, "Well golly, miss. I thought the rate was 50 dollars." The prostitute looks at the man, smiles and says... "Not for you, baby... Family Discount."...

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Sodium Chloride and Sulphuric Acid were in jail

Turns out they were in for assault and battery...

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A naked man is walking down the street with a woman on his back...

A guy on the other side of the street yells at him, "Hey, what're you doing!?" The naked man replies, "Don't get all upset. I'm headed to a costume party!" "As what?" asks the guy. "As a tortoise! Can't you tell?" "Well, what's the woman doing on your back?" "Oh, that's just Michelle."...

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This sums up the 90s

90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99 = 945...

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I shot a black man and got caught

I was charged with impersonation of a police officer....

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What do you call someone who hates brown rice?

Ricist....

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A dyslexic man robbed a bank

He walked in, pulled out a gun, and yelled "Air in the hands motherstickers! This is a fuck up!"...

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A man and a woman had a son named Charlie...

It took the couple several years to have him, and he was the apple of both their eyes. One tragic day on the way home from Charlie's middle school woodcutting competition, they hit a pot hole, the tire blew, and the car went swerving violently into the only other lane on the two lane road. Charlie died on impact. Charlie's mother was thrown from the car and went into a coma. The man, although he wished he hadn't, survived without injury. The man visited his wife every day at the hospital for the next two months. Constantly begging for forgiveness....

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A wife is like a hand grenade

Take off the ring and say goodbye to your house...

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A girl goes up to her father and tells him she's a lesbian.

The father says, "That's ok sweetie, I love you no matter what." Noticing how he reacted, his second daughter decides to also tell him that she's also a lesbian. The father doesn't care and procedes to tell her that he loves her too. Finally the third daughter goes up to him and also says that she's a lesbian. The father feeling like the whole situation is ridiculous, yells out, "Holy shit doesn't anyone in this house like boys?" His only son walks into the room and says, "I do."...

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My friend just asked me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat the shit out of him; the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."...

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Why Grenfell Tower Burned: Regulators Put Cost Before Safety

Why Grenfell Tower Burned: Regulators Put Cost Before Safety The incineration of the 24-story London high rise, the deadliest fire in Britain in more than a century, was rooted in a regulatory breakdown. June 25, 2017 at 02:20AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2u1p6...

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A boy and his father were walking down the streets of New York..

The boy passed a fancy jewelry store and saw an expensive watch that he wanted to buy. "Can I have this dad?" "Sorry, we can't afford that right now," the dad replied, and they walked away from the store. That night, the father thought about how he hadn't been able to provide for his family, and decided to end his struggles once and for all. He signed up for a controversial new game show where the contestant sits in a chair for an hour, then at midnight he is either shocked to death or showered with a million dollars. Several people had put their...

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TIL lions perform oral sex on each other.

Talk about swallowing your pride....

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Face is a four letter word…

But preface is a foreword letter…...

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How many LAPD officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They shoot the room for being black and beat up the bulb for being broke....

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A man rushes into the doctors' office and says "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The Doc says, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually"

To this, the man shrieks and responds "Everyone? Oh lord, what have I done?"...

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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."...

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I dig. You dig. We dig. He dig. She dig. They dig.

It's not a very beautiful poem, but it's quite deep....

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Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want...

But that child is going straight to the top... And slightly to the left......

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My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people you hate......"

My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people who you hate and burn them later". I did that.... But now what should i do with the letters???...

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The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats

A woman in a hot-air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don’t know where I am." "You’re at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude," he replies. "You must be a Democrat." "I am. How did you know?" "Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve been no help." "You must be a Republican." "Yes. How did you know?" "You’ve risen to where you are due to a lot of...

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If I had a dollar for every racist comment I ever made.....

I'd probably get robbed by a black guy....

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One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed...

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Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point....

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Pessimist: The glass is half empty...

Optimist: The glass is half full Journalist: You won't BELIEVE what's in this glass!...

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Steve Jobs would have been a much better president than Donald Trump

But its a silly comparison really, like comparing apples to oranges....

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A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar...

A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel. "Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer." "Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?" "Can't and will not serve to anyone under age." "Fine. Well what other things do you have?" "Well for non-alcoholics I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?" "Pop." Goes the weasel....

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The director of EA walks into a bar

Download the punchline for only 4.99...

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Warnings Along the Inundation Line

Warnings Along the Inundation Line After the tsunami in 2011, one of the most ominous details revealed about the coast where it struck, for those of us not familiar with the region, was that a series of warning stones stand there overlooking the sea, carved with sayings such as, "Do not build your homes below this point!" June 23, 2017 at 11:36PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2tCrF...

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Where’s the best Place to hide After a Murder?

Behind a Badge...

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If the number 666 is considered evil...

does that mean that 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil?...

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So I walked into a sex shop the other day...

Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender? Me: I'd like a female. Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim? Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference? Manager: Well, there really is none between the Christian and Protestant. However, the Muslim will blow itself up....

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[NSFW] The penguin.

A guy goes to the whorehouse but he's strapped for cash. "What can I get for 5 bucks?” "5 bucks... That'll get you a 'penguin.' Rose! Come, take this man back and give him a penguin." Rose takes the man to her room, undoes his pants and starts giving him a blowjob. But right before he is getting ready to come, she gets up and walks away. The man becomes upset and, with his pants still around his ankles, waddles after her. "Wait, so this is a penguin?!"...

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I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like. I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall...

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A man walks into Target

He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."...

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I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos...

I had to put my foot down....

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My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!”

I replied, “No, your generation relies too much on technology!” Then I unplugged his life support....

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At Heathrow airport in England...

...a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out and President Putin strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode towards Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse...

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What do you call bunnies that hop backwards?

A receding hare line....

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Chinese takeout $30.00…gas to pick it up $20.00…

Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers… Riceless...

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A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks,

"Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"...

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Why does The Little Mermaid wear seashells?

She outgrew her B shells....

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My girlfriend got pregnant, so I've been thinking about a name for over two weeks

I chose Carlos and escaped to Mexico...

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Professor held an oral exam

He was in a good mood and the student that he questioned wasn't prepared enough. 'Look here, I can't give you a passing grade based on your answers. I will however let you pass if you tell me how many lightbulbs there are in this room?' The student counted carefully and confidently said '32'. The professor started laughing and reached for his bag: 'Nice try but I got one in my bag, see you next month' A month passed and the student came to try his luck again. 'I remember you. You failed my lighbulb test last time. So tell me and if you answer...

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Riddle: A King has 3 cups in front of him. The first two cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name??

King Philip III...

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What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo. - Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way)....

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Guy and his two buddies are at a bar, when one of them nudges the other two

"See those three women over there? Lets go talk to them." So they go over and strike up a conversation, buying them a few drinks. After a while, each of his friends ask one of the women to dance. As he's about to ask the third girl to dance he notices she's in a wheelchair and then sees him looking at her chair he feels awkward. Not wanting to be a jerk he says, "You want to go out there and show them how it's really done?" Smiling she agrees and they have a great time. After a while both of his friends took off with both of hers. Back at the...

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Overcoming Us vs. Them

Overcoming Us vs. Them Humans universally make Us/Them dichotomies along lines of race, ethnicity, gender, language group, religion, age, socioeconomic status, and so on. And it’s not a pretty picture. June 22, 2017 at 08:33PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2sU39...

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A guy is driving along when he spots a gypsies caravan on the side of the road with a sign saying, "readings $10 per person".

He pulls over thinking this could be a laugh, and enters the caravan. The gypsy immediately grabs his hands, looks at them for a couple of seconds and looks up into the guys eyes. She says, "Thriller, pretty woman, when doves cry ,stairway to heaven." "wow", said the guy, "those are my favourite songs!" "impressive", he continues, "please, tell me my future" "can not" exclaims the gypsy, "I am just a four tune teller"...

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9/11 jokes are terrible.

The other 2/11, however, are hilarious....

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Too many officers~

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured...

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A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion like houses on the street. He looks into a garden and sees a man in a suit crying and looking at the pool. The man in suit fills his pockets with rocks and suddenly jumps into the pool still crying. The homeless man wasted no time in jumping in to drag the other man out of the water. After the suited man took a moment to process what was happening (and what he was doing) he started to thank the homeless man profusely and asked if there...

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The NEW CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?” The CEO said,”Wait right here.” He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed...

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Since you like Dad jokes. Here's one I laid on my wife while she was folding my infant daughters clothes.

Wife: Could you go and grab the baby hangers? Me: They prefer to be called executioners....

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My wife opened the car door for me today.

Would have been a good gesture if only we were not going 75MPH....

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Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."...

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A beautiful girl asked me in a restaurant,"Are you single?"

I Happily I replied," Yes...." She took away the extra chair in front of me....

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A university student wanted to sit next to his professor at break time.

However, the teacher regarded the student with a haughty face and said: “A dove should not be friends with a donkey.” “Then I shall fly on” the student replied with a cheeky smile. The teacher was clearly annoyed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student in his exams. In the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had incredible answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question: “You're walking on...

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What do Japanese cannibals eat?

Rawmen....

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A man escapes from prison.

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain....

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If your parachute doesn't deploy,

you have the rest of your life to fix it....

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Two aliens are flying near earth

The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons." The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."...

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Joke my mom just told me when I asked her why she never tells any jokes

A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him. He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying: "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!" The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says: "Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive..."...

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What do you call a Hooker's fart?

A prosti-toot....

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[NSFW] A girl goes into a church one day to confess...

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest : "What have you done my child?" Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl : "Because he touched my hand." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he touched my breast." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest...

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A Spectacular Photo From The Mars

A Spectacular Photo From The Mars  While we've seen seen selfies taken by the rover, we've never seen something like this. June 21, 2017 at 09:26PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2tsWp...

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Ladies, When a guy calls you hot,he's looking at your body,When a guy calls you pretty,he's looking at your face, When a guy calls you Beautiful,he's looking at your heart

All 3 guys still want to fuck you,though...

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My wife asked what panties i wanted her to wear on our date, i said i preferred

[Removed]...

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The old Mailman

A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45 years. So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house, and the homeowner welcomed him in. They gave him a pile of presents to thank him for all his hard work. At the next house they gave him a cheque for 100 dollars, and the 3rd house, a cheque for 200 dollars. At the fourth house, a blonde lady answered. She was wearing silk pajamas,...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a 12-inch lighter

Guy 1 asks: "That is a big lighter you got there! Where did ya get it?" Guy 2 says: "I rubbed this lamp right here, and a genie granted me a wish" Guy 1 goes: "Cool, let me see it!" He rubbed the lamp and out came the genie. The genie tells him he can only have one wish. Guys 1 wishes: "I wish for a million bucks!" So the genie snaps his fingers and a few seconds later, thousands upon thousands of ducks come swarming into the bar. Guys 1 says: "What is this?! I said a million bucks not a million ducks!" Guys 2 says: "Did you really think I asked...

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The lesbian neighbours were having sex last night, so I knocked on their door and complained about the noise.

I said, "Can you be a bit louder please? I'm trying to have a wank."...

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Plastic surgery anonymous

"Hello everyone, welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous, I see a lot of new faces here today and I have to say I'm really disappointed with you all..."...

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Not for the easily offended - my favourite politically incorrect joke...

Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying. "What's wrong?" man asks. "Never been kissed before" girl says. Man kisses her and she goes home happy. Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying. "What's wrong?" man asks. "Never been wined and dined before" girl says. So man takes her out for a beautiful meal, gets her drunk and wheels her off home. Again man walks through park following day. Girl still in wheelchair crying. "What's wrong?" Asks man. "Never been fucked before" says girl. So...

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A German was going to a trip in France...

He reached passport control and the officer asked: "Name?" "Hans Kleiner" "Age?" "31" "Occupation?" "No no, just visiting"...

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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes.

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden butt naked. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So...

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I have designed a website for orphans

there isn't a home page...

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Legless Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. ”I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is...

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A woman is waiting for her elderly husband to come home

She turns on the news and sees a live report of a dangerous motorist driving the wrong way down the motorway, so she calls her husband to warn him. He responds: "Just one? There's bloody hundreds of them!"...

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I met an Asian girl today with the last name of "China"

It was her made-in name...

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How cult leaders brainwash followers for total control

How cult leaders brainwash followers for total control The brainwashing methods of isolation, engulfment and fear can lead anyone to a cult. I should know – I was in one. June 21, 2017 at 04:06AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2rRxN...

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I saw my girlfriend midway through sex with another guy.

So I pulled up my pants and told him to hide....

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Father Joseph, a missionary, was touring the African village in which he lived, when suddenly a man came up to him.

"Father Joseph!" the man demanded. "Everyone is black in this village, but my son was recently born white! You are the only white man within 200 miles! Explain yourself!" Father Joseph sheepishly answered, "Now, uh, don't judge too harshly," and pointed towards the goats. "You see, goats are normally white and that one was born black! It's just one of nature's mysteries that you have to accept." "Oh, I understand, Father Joseph," the black man said. "I stop talking about the white child, and you stop talking about the black goat, OK?"...

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So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't...

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Why do French tanks have rear windows?

So they can see the battlefield!...

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So my German girlfriend...

Likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale from 1 to 10. Last night I tried anal. She kept yelling "9". You will never believe it, that's my best rating yet....

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My son was on eBay this morning.

Child services were not impressed with me....

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How An Entire Nation Became Russia's Test Lab for Cyberwar

How An Entire Nation Became Russia's Test Lab for Cyberwar Blackouts in Ukraine were just a trial run. Russian hackers are learning to sabotage infrastructure — and the US could be next. June 20, 2017 at 10:51PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2swVv...

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A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for...

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What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef!!!!! What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your mom....

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Why can't you hear pterodactyls go to the bathroom?

Because they're all dead....

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A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 beers.

He downs them all, pays, and leaves. The bartender was a bit confused at it, but not enough to ask why. The next day, the same thing. And the next. The bartender's curiosity is piqued at this point, so he asks the man why he keeps buying 3 beers. He explains, "My 2 buddies and I used to drink together every night. Since they've shipped away, I've decided to drink their beers in their honor so I may never forget". A noble effort, the bartender thinks, so he gladly serves the man 3 beers every night. One night, the man only orders 2 beers. The bartender...

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If Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on a stranded island, who would survive?

The United States of America...

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With the rise of self-driving vehicles...

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too...

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I think my goldfish likes it when I take him out of his bowl…

He sure wags his tail a lot…...

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Little Eddy has really upset the girls at school

After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls one day get together before class and decide, if today, Eddy says anything even remotely sexual or offensive, we will all get up at the same time and walk out in protest. Class starts and the teacher says: "OK kids, today's subject will be buildings and construction. Who can tell me how buildings are made?" The class remains quiet, then little Eddy raises his hand and says "Madam, I know". The teacher says, "OK Eddy, please explain." Eddy: "Well, first before...

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Girls have fake nails, hair, eyelashes, tan and boobs.

But handbags, they have to be real....

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My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more....

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A man was driving along the road

A man was driving along the road when suddenly a Ferrari whizzed past him and the driver inside yelled "ever driven a Ferrari mate?" This angered the man, and accelerated to catch up to the Ferrari and give the driver a piece of his mind. However as he was about to reach the Ferrari, it accelerated and the man just managed to catch the driver yell "ever driven a Ferrari mate?" before the Ferrari left him in the dust. Recognising that he was not able to match the Ferrari's speed, the man calmed down and resumed driving at normal speed. A few miles...

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What do you call a dwarf in a tumble dryer?

A midget spinner....

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What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law....

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What do broccoli and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to try it as a kid, you probably don't like it as an adult....

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I have a Spotify playlist that has songs from The Peanuts Movie, Eminem, and The Cranberries

I call it my trail mix....

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thoughts​, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee... 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking...

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A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "Free". The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "Free". The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he...

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How Millennials Killed J. Crew

How Millennials Killed J. Crew The millennial shopper’s wants and needs have been studied extensively as of late, and what’s been determined paints a pretty positive picture of said consumer, but an equally dire future for retailers like J. Crew and its ilk. June 19, 2017 at 10:27AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2sN1k...

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My dick was in the Guinness World Records Book

Then they kicked me out of the library....

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"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."...

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Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company

The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant. To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18? The mathematician immediately responds "63". The physicist responds "63, plus or minus 5%". The engineer thinks for a moment and responds "63, but for safety, let's call it 70". The accountant shuts the door, checks over his shoulder, leans in close to the desk, and whispers "how much do you want it to be?"...

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My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.

I probably should've stopped when I got to her....

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Yesterday at a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

"Nervous?" Asked the interviewer. I replied, "No, I always give 110%."...

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A son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight." The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."...

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First Day of School

Seven year-old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school. "What's your name?" Asked the teacher. "Mohammad", he replied. "You're in America now", replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as 'Mike'". Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?" Asked his mother. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in America and now my name is Mike" "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called...

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A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl

She asked me for my number. I told her that we usually use names....

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"This is your captain speaking"

"AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."...

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A problem the Rabbi can't solve

A Jewish man goes to his Rabbi and says "Rabbi, I have a problem. My son is converting to Christianity and I can't do a thing about it." The Rabbi answers, "You know Moishe, I have the same problem. Let's go talk to the Chief Rabbi. Maybe he can help us out." So they set out to see the Chief Rabbi. They get to him and say, "Rabbi, our sons are converting to Christianity. We don't know what to do. Can you help?" The Chief Rabbi looks at them thoughtfully and says, "Gentlemen, I would if I could, but I have the same problem. Let's go to talk to...

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I, too, have a Jewish friend, and he told me this one...

What's the difference between a Jewish woman and a Latina? A Latina has fake jewelry and real orgasms....

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Panda and a Prostitute

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?" The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.' The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. ' The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up 'panda.' The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves...

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A leaf and a emo fall of a tree, Guess who hits ground first?

The leaf, the rope stopped the emo....

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What do you call a monkey holding a fire cracker?

A Baboom!...

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Nice Car!

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!" The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone. "The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator." The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great,...

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Why do women's prisons give out tampons on release day?

Because all sentences should end with a period....

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The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.

Nobody knows what may happen. Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump....

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I don't always tell dad jokes.

But when I do, he laughs....

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This Secret Catholic Exorcist Cult in Brazil Is Making a Deal with the Devil

This Secret Catholic Exorcist Cult in Brazil Is Making a Deal with the Devil The Vatican is looking into a group of exorcists who apparently made a pact with Satan on climate change and the death of Pope Francis. June 19, 2017 at 12:08AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2th6z...

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Never in my life will I ever bunjee jump

Came into this world because of broken rubber and you'll be damn sure as hell I ain't leaving because of one either....

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What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison....

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An older woman gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer : Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer : Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer : Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer : Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer : You what? Older Woman: His body parts...

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Idiot Teacher

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."...

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The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband... On...

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So a prison break was happening...

And I happened to be walking around when it happened. It had a huge wall, and I saw someone climbing down from it. Turns out I knew the guy, he's a famous midget con artist that I ratted out. As he climbed down, he gave me this wretched look. It was a little condescending....

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I'm not just alright with my extra chromosome...

In fact, I'm down with it....

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I started a boat business in the attic.

The sails are going through the roof...

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A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Spain

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. It looked good. It smelled good. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight...

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What do you call a Japanese chicken that likes bondage?

Hen-tie...

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A man in his brand new car stops by his friends who were waiting for the bus.

His friends didn't know he had this car and ask him how he got it. "So I was trying to get a lift, at the fuel station, and all of a sudden this absolute masterpiece of a girl stops by. You know, long blonde hair, big tits and everything. Having driven for over half an hour, she told me she was getting a bit tired and we decided to have a walk in the woods. Before we had walked a single mile, she said it was quite hot, took off all her clothes, laid down in the grass and said, "baby, you can have anything you want!" So I had a look at all of her...

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Yo momma, she so fat...

there's people on the internet who believe she's flat, not round....

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Why do black people only have nightmares?

The last one who had a dream got shot....

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Why did the slave go to college?

So he could pickup his Master's degree....

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Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed. Do you know the what the real tragedy is? He didn't even finish colouring the second one....

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Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!" The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?" "We do now, asshole!" shouts Schrodinger. The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists....

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A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."...

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