I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having....
Thứ Hai, 31 tháng 7, 2017
A guy goes to a halloween party with a girl on his back.
The host asks him, "And what are you?" The guy says, " I'm a snail." The host says "And who's that on your back?" "That's Michelle!"...
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving...
Told by my friend years ago in high school [long] [nsfw]
Okay so let me start out by saying when telling this joke, you insert the name of the person you are telling it too. For this joke I will use the name John Johnson as it is the most generic name I can think of. Now for the joke.
Three men were standing in a bar, making small talk. The first guy says "guys my hands are so tiny, I must have the smallest hands in the world!"
The second guy, not wanting to be outdone, says "Well my feet are minuscule! I know I have the smallest feet in the world!"
The third guy, a little hesitant, says "guys... I...
Why did I get divorced ?
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends,...
What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
A teacher says "Spit out the gum!" A train says "Chew! Chew!"
Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter....
An Officer is on patrol in L.A.
When he sees a driver fail to stop at a Stop sign.
He chases after the guy and pulls him over.
Officer: "Sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "No."
Officer: "You failed to stop at the Stop sign back there."
Driver: "I slowed down, what's the big difference?"
The Officer drags the man out of his car, pulls out his baton and starts beating the shit out of him while yelling:
"DO YOU WANT ME TO SLOW DOWN OR STOP?"...
A Lesson in Morals
One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep...
Anal invitation
"Let's go to your place." Said a fat girl.
"I would love to, but i don't have any lubricant"
"I don't think it's necessary, i'm not that tight" says the girl while smiling.
"Maybe you're not, but my door is."...
Manliest man ever contest
Three men joined the Manliest Man Ever contest, the one who passed 3 rooms will get the award: - First room: 10 barrels of best wine - Second room: 10 times with a very hot model - Third room: 10 hours with a tiger.
The first guy goes with the girl room, and after 8 times, he quit. The second guy goes with the tiger, and after 8 hours, he quit.
The last guy said "f**k the contest, I will try the wine first", the he goes to the first room. After 10 barrels, he somehow managed to go to the tiger room. 10 hours later, he came out, and said
"Hell...
Soap
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood....
[NSFW] My favorite NSFW joke from my high school.
Three brothers owned a prized horse. One day when the brothers were checking in, they found the horse was dead. So they prayed the whole morning asking god to bring back the horse. Suddenly, a fairy appeared.
Fairy: I can bring back the horse but on one condition, at least one of you have to satisfy me with a really good fucking.
The 2nd brother(2nd by age) went first. He inserted his weiner and started fucking her. She was far from being satisfied instead she was bored.
Then came the oldest brother, a known womaniser. He was better than his younger...
Chủ Nhật, 30 tháng 7, 2017
My girlfriend asked me with how many girls I've slept with
"Only with you babe..." I replied
"Awww, really?"
"...Yeah, with the others I stayed awake."...
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."...
A boy was watching TV with his father
When a sex scene came on. "well son, time for bed" the father says. "but dad, I'm 15 now!" the son complains. The father replies "I don't care how old you are son, you're not watching me masturbate"...
“So how long are you in for? ” I asked my cell mate.
“Only for a couple of minutes, then I’m usually done” he replied as he carried on thrusting....
A Jewish Mother was horrified to find out her daughter was divorcing her doctor husband.
"Does he hit you?" she asked.
"No Ma."
"Is he cheating on you?"
"No Ma."
"Did he lose his money?"
"No Ma."
"You live in a beautiful house, you have luxury cars, your clothes are of the finest quality, you have a staff to take care of the domestic chores. What does he do so wrong?"
"It's the anal sex ma. He likes the anal sex."
"And what's so bad about that?"
"It's terrible ma. Always with the anal sex. When we got married, my butthole was the size of a dime. Now it's the size of a quarter. It's just terrible."
"It seems like you are giving up...
A guy ring's his new girlfriend's doorbell
She sees him holding a beautiful bouquet of roses and drags him in.
She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers!"
"Don't be silly" says her boyfriend, "you must have a vase somewhere!"...
Thứ Bảy, 29 tháng 7, 2017
My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I’ve slept with.
“Eleven,” I replied.
“Wow! You must be a player,” she laughed.
“No,” I said, “I’m their coach.”...
Funny adult jokes - Three daughters
The mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their sexual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it's going. The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just after two days after the wedding. On top of it there was just one word: "Nescafe". Her mother ran into the kitchen, find a coffee "Nescafe" and read on the label: "Blessing" until the last drop". Mother blushed, but...
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep,
using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside....
I was having sex with my wife last night
when she suddenly yelled, “Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!”
“Just relax.” I said, “You might like it.”
“Relax?” she screamed, “What the fuck is Dave doing here?”...
Nun joke we used to tell back when I was in catholic school
Back in the Mexican revolution a bunch of armed men enter a convent and start rounding up all of the nuns in the cafeteria. The leader of the bandits starts yelling:
"We are part of the Pancho Villa army and it is our right to take what we want! We want all of your food and supplies!"
Sister Mary yells from the back: Not the chickens, please, not the chickens!
"I said ALL of your food and supplies!" replied the bandit. "Plus, we are going to rape everyone of you!"
"Not Superior Sister Prudence, please! She's 80 years old!" yelled sister Mary again.
Before...
Lesson 6 of 6: The Bird, the Cat and the Cow dung
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While she was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on her. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, she began to realize how warm she was getting, as the dung was actually thawing her out. She lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, promptly...
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!'
The man quickly replies 'You go up there and tell that bastard off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'...
Lesson 5 of 6: The Flying Turkey
A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who...
Health Care Debate: Obamacare Repeal Fails as McCain Votes No
Health Care Debate: Obamacare Repeal Fails as McCain Votes No
John McCain, along with Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski, voted with Democrats in the early morning hours of Friday to reject the Senate GOP's "skinny repeal" bill.
July 28, 2017 at 12:42PM
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Wife of a r/jokes user gave birth to beautiful twins.
He held the first baby and his eyes watered up, his heart filled with joy witnessing this miracle. He was speechless.
Then the nurse handed him the second baby, he gave the baby one hard look and handing the baby back to the nurse he uttered a single word "Repost"...
This Is Just An Extremely Good Video Of A Hamster Pushing Another Hamster Off Their Wheel
This Is Just An Extremely Good Video Of A Hamster Pushing Another Hamster Off Their Wheel
Listen, we don't want to be hyperbolic, but this probably one of the best hamster videos on the internet.
July 28, 2017 at 03:17AM
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On the night of his inauguration, Donald Trump is visited by 3 ghosts
Early in the night, FDR appears. Trump asks him "how can I make America great again?" FDR replies "think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets" Trump's face sours "FAKE NEWS!" he screams and FDR disappears. Trump falls back to sleep.
A few hours later, he is awakened by George Washington's ghost. Trump asks "how can I make America great again?" Washington replies "I would suggest you never tell a lie", which infuriates Trump. He screams for his bodyguards but Washington is...
A pakistani walks into a bar
A pakistani walks into a bar and orders bacon and a beer.
The shocked bartender asks, "isn't this a sin in your religion?"
He replies, " ya but all my sins will be forgiven in mmmm... 2 mins 40 seconds."...
Thứ Sáu, 28 tháng 7, 2017
A little boy was looking through the keyhole of his sister's room
Mom says with a smile, "why are you concerned with what your sister is doing in there?" Boy replies, "I am not concerned with her, I am wondering what dad is doing."...
"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"
Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them. A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?" the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we have tomatoes, we have potatoes, but we're totally out of onions" the woman then says "oh well, then I will have two tomatoes, two potatoes and two onions please" the man says "miss I am sorry but like I said we do not have any onions left" the lady then says...
Lesson 3 of 6: The Priest
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to...
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal…
The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God....
Two women and a man are sitting at a park bench
The first woman looks across the bench at the man and studies his face.
"Oh my gosh" she said to the second woman,
"i think that's Adolf Hitler"!
"It can't be", the second woman responds,
"he killed himself 70 years ago".
But the first woman was sure this man was Hitler, so she leaned across the bench and asked the man,
"why excuse me, are you Adolf Hitler"?
The man looks up,
"indeed, i am Adolf Hitler".
Both woman look at each other in shock,
"see"? says the first woman to the second,
"i told you that was Hitler"!
"My god you're right"!
The second...
Two gay guys live in a house...
This is a joke to tell your friends!!
Two gay guys live in a house. One night they're bored so the one gay guy says to the other
"Do you wanna play the game where you find something in the house, stick it up my ass, and I guess what it is?"
"Hell yeah!"
So the one gay guy bends over the couch blind folded while the other guy goes to the kitchen and grabs the wooden spoon. He runs back and sticks it in there. Without flinching he says
"Oh! That's the wooden spoon!"
The other guy runs to the closet and grabs the broomstick. He runs back and shoves...
(NSFW) A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward"....
Obama, Hillary and Trump
Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."
God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"
He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".
God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.
Then God turns...
Minor Leaguer Hits An Inside-The-Park Grand Slam, Thanks To A Clever Slide Into Home
Minor Leaguer Hits An Inside-The-Park Grand Slam, Thanks To A Clever Slide Into Home
Now here's something you don't see every day.
July 27, 2017 at 08:14PM
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A girl realizes that she has grown hair between her legs
She gets worried and asks her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly says, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she tells her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiles and says, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."...
A woman asks a man - "do you drink beer?"...
Man: Yeah.
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00, including the tip.
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't...
My first original long joke called "Luck"
When I was young, I was always lucky. When I was five, my mom asked me to give 6 numbers for the lottery. “8, 13, 27, 29, 30, 31” I said. Without any hesitation, my mom punched those numbers on the lottery ticket and hoped for the best. Later that night, my whole family was watching the lottery on the television.
“The winning numbers are 8!” The announcer said.
“Five more numbers and I’m a millionaire!” my mom said with a big smile on her face.
“13!” The announcer continued. My dad, who believed throughout his whole life that the lottery is rigged...
A man and a woman were driving down the road
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over, slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.
Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 8 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "What in the heck was that?!?"
Not wanting to expose his sweet daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies,...
Thứ Năm, 27 tháng 7, 2017
A guy walks into a bar
He orders a rum and coke. The bartender fiddles around under the bar for a second and pulls out an apple. The guy is confused, he says, "no I ordered a rum and coke." The bartender says, "just try it." So he bites it and it tastes just like rum! The bartender says, "now turn it around." And wow! It tastes just like coke! A second guy walks in and orders a gin and tonic, again the bartender fiddles around for a second and pulls out an apple. He's confused. But he bites it, wow! It tastes just like gin! Bartender says to turn it around and wow!...
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO…
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I...
A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.
When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "
"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the water will just bead off."
The guy takes his new bike and goes to pick up his girlfriend. The girlfriend invites the guy over to her parents house for dinner. This will be the first time he's ever eaten with her family.
"I should let you know the rule of the...
The religious painter
Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.
One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.
The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.
Jock...
This Is The Strangest, Dumbest Minute Of Basketball We've Seen In A Long Time
This Is The Strangest, Dumbest Minute Of Basketball We've Seen In A Long Time
The finals of the U19 Women's Basketball World Cup got weird.
July 26, 2017 at 11:57PM
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Is it okay to hate a certain race?
I usually run the 5K, but someone from my running group wants to do the 10K, which I don't want because a lot of caucasians participate in that one....
The Americans and Russians
at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only...
A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors
But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.
Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man....
A librarian is at work at a public library and sees a chicken walk in...
The chicken walks up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."
This continues until the librarian passes a book to the chicken who takes it and pushes it out the door.
A few minutes later the chicken comes right back on, pushes the book up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."
Again it doesn't stop so the librarian finds another book to give the chicken and again the chicken pushes the book out the front door.
Throughout the day the chicken keeps coming back, saying "book, book, book, book," and gets a new book to take away.
Finally...
Thứ Tư, 26 tháng 7, 2017
Teacher: What do you do after school?
1st Student: I go and buy weed from Yakobo 2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo. 3rd Student: I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo. 4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework. Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name? 4th Student: Yakobo...
Anniversary idea
For my wife and I's first wedding anniversary, we made a bet that the first one to wake up would have to surprise the other one with oral sex. Well, when the day came I was the first to wake up, so I rolled over, pulled the bed covers back, and slooooowwwwllllyyyyy shoved my dick in her mouth....
A painter's patience (my first joke)
A painter asked his client where to start painting his house.
-"Roof" said the client.
-"Ok" said the painter.
Moments later after hard work, the painter went back to ask where to proceed painting.
-"Where now?" Said the painter.
-"Roof!" Yelled the client.
-"I already painted there, tell me where to paint now..." Said the painter with little patience.
-"Roof!!" Yelled the client again
With anger in his eyes the painter said:
-"That's it! This is the last time i paint a dog's house!"
I hope you have a stupid smile because of this stupid joke....
Trump has a heart attack ....
Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He...
A guy gets out of jail.
With only $10 to his name and extremely horny, he heads to the local whorehouse. He pleads and begs the pimp for a $10 lay. Finally, the pimp says, "Look, for ten bucks, all I got for you is a chicken." The guy is desperate so he agrees on fucking a chicken.
The guy enters a room and sure enough there's a chicken. He has his way with the bird and leaves.
He manages to scrape up another $10 and returns the next day to the pimp. "Do you have anything else besides the chicken?", he asks. The pimp replies, "Well, we do have a show where you can just...
I got so drunk last night
I got so drunk last night I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest....
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill.
"$3", says the bartender.
The man just for fun goes on and places a $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.
This happened for 3-4 days and everyday the bartender felt humiliated.
The next day, he orders a beer but couldn't find three $1 coins to pay the bill. So, he hands the bartender a $5 note. Now, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that it is his day to avenge the hard time he had because of this...
What Will The US' Once-In-A-Century Solar Eclipse Look Like From Your Zip Code? This Interactive Shows You
What Will The US' Once-In-A-Century Solar Eclipse Look Like From Your Zip Code? This Interactive Shows You
If you can't make it to somewhere located in the full eclipse path, this great interactive from Vox will show you how much of an eclipse you'll see from your home zip code (and what time of day it will peak).
July 25, 2017 at 11:44PM
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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent...
Thứ Ba, 25 tháng 7, 2017
Five redditors are walking in the forest...
...when they find a lamp on the ground. One of them rubs it, and (as expected), a genie appears. Because he's feeling particularly generous, the genie decides to grant all five of them one wish each.
The first one steps forward. "I would like a ten-inch-tall piano player, please". The genie grants him the wish, and he posts joke #385 on r/Jokes and gets a couple upvotes.
The second one asks for a man hanging from a balcony by the fingertips, a man in a refrigerator, and a man coming home from work. The genies grants it, and he posts #9910 on reddit,...
Sex competition
An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englishman challenges the Spaniard to a contest. "We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag a girl between now and dawn. Winner gets 100 euros." So they go down to a brothel and each of them gets a girl and a room. The Englishman screws his girl, makes a tally mark on the headboard, then dozes off. He wakes up a bit later, screws her again,...
A woman must walk 5 paces behind...
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms....
A boy has sex with his teacher
When he gets home from school, his mother asks him,
"What did you do today in school?"
The child replies,
"I had sex with the teacher."
Furious, the mother scolds the boy and makes him go to his room.
"Wait until you're father gets here!" she exclaims.
An hour later, the father arrives home. Immediately he is informed of what his son did at school today by the mom. But instead of being outraged like his wife had been, the father praises his son.
"Son, you're growing into a real man. I think it's time to get you a bike."
So, the two go out and...
The penguin joke (my favorite joke)
One day a Cop pulls a van over and when he walks up to the window he sees ten penguins in the back.
The cop asks the man "are those your penguins?"
The man Says "yes, they are my pets."
The cop replies to the man "You need to take them to the zoo right now."
So the man agrees and drives off. The next day the cop pulls over the same van and he walks up to the window and sees the ten pengins all wearing sunglasses.
The cop says to the man "I thought i told you to take those penguins to the zoo."
The man says "I did, today we are going to the be...
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself....
The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"
Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"
So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye."
"That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"
And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"...
Two young boys go to a store
They have $6 between them and want a cool toy. After shopping around they come up to the register with a box of tampons. The clerk asks "Why?" One little boy replies "It says on the box you can go swimming, horse-back riding, play tennis, and other activities!! We just need to figure out how they work."...
Turn Off Your Push Notifications. All of Them
Turn Off Your Push Notifications. All of Them
Push notifications are ruining my life. Yours too, I bet. Download more than a few apps and the notifications become a non-stop, cacophonous waterfall of nonsense.
July 24, 2017 at 10:22AM
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The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming.
They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination---Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They...
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: 'Make me one with everything'....
After a brief chuckle at the monks joke the vendor hands him his hot dog with everything and says 'That'll be $4 please'. The monk hands over a $10 bill and waits whilst the vendor just stares back at him.... Awkwardly the monk ask's 'What about my change'?.
'Ah' replies the hot dog vendor, 'Change must come from within'....
Thứ Hai, 24 tháng 7, 2017
Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives.
The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door."
The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones."
The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a dick."...
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues...
My girlfriend came home and told me to take off her shirt so I did
Then she told me to take off her skirt so I did. Then she told me to take off her bra and panties so I did. Then she told me to never wear her things again...
Headache & Testicles
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery...
A dog walks into a bar
The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"...
Is it ok to hate a certain race?
I don't mind doing the 5K, but my running group is thinking of joining a 10K and I don't really like them....
This Man Used His Inherited Fortune To Fund The Racist Right
This Man Used His Inherited Fortune To Fund The Racist Right
William Regnery II, a man who inherited millions but struggled in business, tried for 15 years to ignite a racist political movement — and failed. Then an unforeseen phenomenon named Donald Trump gave legitimacy to what Regnery had seeded long before: the alt-right.
July 24, 2017 at 12:53AM
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Orange Dick
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man's penis is bright orange. The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.
The man says "My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I don't come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make my self dinner, watch a little TV then get ready for bed."
The doctor asks "Do you do anything...
Fifty bucks
A mother tells her son to go into town to sell their duck for food money, the boy does as she says and goes into the town square. There he meets a young lady on the street corner who tells him "I have a few uses for a duck but I don't have any money, what do you say we go inside and roll in the hay for a trade?" The boy agrees and they go inside to have sex. Afterwards the lady says to the boy "You were pretty good, if you can do it again I'll give you your duck back" the boy once again agrees and they go back inside. After their second time they...
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are too large
She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the...
So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...
So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"...
Chủ Nhật, 23 tháng 7, 2017
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women…
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear...
Three nurses in the morgue...
Three nurses went down to the morgue and found a dead guy lying there with a hard-on. " It's a shame to waste that!" exclaimed the first nurse, so she proceeds to ride him. The second nurse didn't hesitate to ride the guy after the first nurse was done, but the third was a bit hesitant because she said she was on her period, but she rode him anyway.
Then suddenly the man sat up alive. This took the nurses by surprise and each of them tried to apologize and said that they thought he was dead. Then the guy says, " I was dead, but after a couple...
I was at a restaurant the other day when I heard the waitress scream, "Does anyone know CPR?"
I yelled back, "I know the whole alphabet." Everyone laughed. Well, except this one guy....
Sex and bread..
A man and his wife are talking.
W- can you help me in the garden?
H- do i look like a fucking gardener?
W- well can you help with the door?
H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?
Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.
H- see I knew you could do it!
W- wasn't me. It was John the neighbor.
H- how much you pay him?
W- no money he gave me the choice between sex and bread.
H- I hope you gave him bread.
W- Do I look like a fucking baker?...
A very unlucky man with one testicle
This is a very popular joke in Turkish, I'll try to translate.
There was this very unlucky man who only had one testicle. One day while he was travelling on a plane, the captain makes an announcement and tells that one of the engines of the plane have failed and one person must be thrown off the plane. To pick this person, they write everyone's seat numbers on papers and put them in a bag. And not surprisingly, the number pulled was this unlucky guy's seat. He was like "Ahh, man. I will jump only if you know the answer of the question I will ask"....
Steel Mill Worker Turns His Back, Nearly Gets Hit By A Flying Rope Of Hot Steel
Steel Mill Worker Turns His Back, Nearly Gets Hit By A Flying Rope Of Hot Steel
This is a "cobble," a steel mill mishap where a jam in the machinery leads to a pressure build up and a rope of hot steel getting thrown into the air. It's not a huge problem, unless you aren't looking when it happens.
July 22, 2017 at 10:29PM
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A man really hated his wife's cat...
A man really hated his wife's cat. One day, unbeknownst to his wife, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.
Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.
Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, through the woods, and clear across three counties before...
Thứ Bảy, 22 tháng 7, 2017
It's a well-known fact that Hitler...
It's a well-known fact that Hitler often consulted astrologists and people involved in the occult to get direction while Germany fought in World War II.
One day he decided to thank his chief astrologer and called him into his office to say, "we've done really well in the war and I'm grateful for your advice. I'm wondering something though, how come you never told me something that would be important to me like when will I die?"
The astrologer said "Mein Fuhrer, you never asked."
Hitler says "I'm asking you now, do you know the day I'm going...
A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."...
Jesus once said, "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword…"
He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point…...
A teenager rolled up to the Mexican border on a bike...
He had a sack of sand in his hand.
"What's in the sack?" asked the border patrol officer
"Just sand," said the kid.
The officer didn't believe him, so he opened the sack up to find just sand. The officer dumped the sack empty and dug through it but he only saw sand. He even took a sample to a lab to have it tested, but all signs showed it was pure sand.
Reluctantly, the officer let the kid go.
The next day, the same kid rolled up on his bike to the Mexican border with another sack in his hand.
Again, the officer asked what was in the bag. He searched...
A lone sniper was just about to…
A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.
Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him.
He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said
"I meant to shout "Donald, duck!...
There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...
The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.
But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet.
Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened...
This Fighter Jet's Maneuvering Ability Is Messing With Our Heads
This Fighter Jet's Maneuvering Ability Is Messing With Our Heads
This is a Russian SU-35 fighter jet. It can do some bonkers things in the air.
July 21, 2017 at 09:21PM
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A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar...
The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
Then A comes into the bar but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar...
A fisherman walks into /r/jokes...
A fisherman walks into /r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade-- if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of /r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing.
The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden...
Thứ Sáu, 21 tháng 7, 2017
A king, a businessman and a network admin in hell.
A king, a businessman and a network admin meet the devil at the gates to hell.
- You can make one phone call, but you'd have to pay for it, - says the devil.
The king makes his call, asks who's the new ruler of the kingdom, was quickly assured that everything is fine, hangs the phone with peace.
- This call will cost you $100,000, - says the devil.
The businessman goes next, askes about his company, how are things, was quickly assured that everything is fine, hangs the phone with peace.
- This call will cost you $1,000,000, - says the devil.
The...
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives...
Fourteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives
The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.
Dogs' parents never visit.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.
Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.
Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask:...
My wife walked in on me...
My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion. I threw my hands up and said, "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"...
Ralph and Edna
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad...
Well, OJ has been paroled.
The spokesperson for the parole board that granted him his new freedom said they "decided to give him another stab at it."...
Neil Armstrong used to tell purposely unfunny jokes about walking on the moon.
When people din't laugh he used to say to them " Oh well, I guess you had to be there."...
Scientists have reversed brain damage in a U.S. toddler who drowned in her family swimming pool
Scientists have reversed brain damage in a U.S. toddler who drowned in her family swimming pool
Using oxygen therapy, scientists were able to restore Eden Carlson's ability to walk and talk just months after the accident, in which she spent 15 minutes submerged in a swimming pool and two hours where her heart did not beat on its own.
July 21, 2017 at 12:54AM
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Body Pain
A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, “Doctor I’m hurting all over my body.”
“That’s odd”, replied the doctor, “Show me what you mean”
So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.
The doctor says, “You’re not a natural brunette are you?”
“No I’m a blonde”, she replies.
“I thought so…. your finger is broken.”, replies the doctor....
Thứ Năm, 20 tháng 7, 2017
I apologise gratuitously.
Two brothers are off on a winter vacation in a cabin they rented out for the weekend. After some catching up, one of them goes down to the basement to get some drinks, at which point he notices a coffin in the corner.
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a hand comes out of it, and drags the entire thing towards the brother.
Shouting, he runs upstairs and tells the brother what happened. Soon after, the coffin bursts through the door. Screaming, they ran to the kitchen and started throwing anything they could find at it. Pots, pans, plates, and even...
My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan gosling movie
I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan gosling...
Two blondes meet on a village road.
One of the blondes was carrying a large gunny bag over her shoulder.
‘Hey there,’ hailed second blonde, ‘what is in the bag?’
‘Chickens,’ came the reply.
‘If I guess how many, can I have one?’
‘You can have both of them.’
‘OK.. five?’ Said the second blonde....
Body Camera Footage Shows Baltimore Cop Planting Drugs At Crime Scene
Body Camera Footage Shows Baltimore Cop Planting Drugs At Crime Scene
In the annals of video footage of police misconduct, this new video from a Baltimore police officer's body camera in January ranks as not particularly violent but still shocking.
July 20, 2017 at 04:09AM
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I'm sorry for this
A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'....
Thứ Tư, 19 tháng 7, 2017
A man gets pulled over by a cop
The cop goes up to the man's window and informs him that he appeared to be swerving a bit.
"Son I just need you to do a quick breathalyzer test."
"I can't do that, officer, I have severe asthma. If I blow into that tube, I could risk an attack."
"Alright, then just come down to the station and we'll do a blood test."
"I can't do that either, I'm a hemophiliac. Any puncture will end up bleeding for hours then I'll pass out."
"Okay, then step out of the car and we'll do a standard field sobriety tes-"
"Sorry, but I have a slight vitamin b12 deficiency,...
How to use “and” 5 times in a row grammatically
A man owned a store called “This And That” and hired another man to make a sign for it.
When it was finished the owner inspected the work.
He discovered that the spaces were wrong so he said, “The space between This and And and And and That is different. Please fix it”...
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital...
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very...
Little Johnny comes home from school
He says to his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."
"What happened?" the father asks.
"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7x9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9x7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "
"What is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
The next day, Johnny comes home from school "Dad, have you gone by the school?" He asks.
"Not yet."
"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."
"Why?" asks the father.
Johnny explains, "Well, we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my...
A man is cleaning out his house and finds a pile of old New York Post papers.
He decides he doesn't have any use for them, and goes to the local recycling center to dispose of them.
He sees the first recycling bin, marked "Glass". The man says, "No, this won't do. I need a different bin."
He sees the second recycling bin, marked "Plastic". The man says, "No, this won't do. I need a different bin."
He sees the third recycling bin, marked "Paper". The man says, "No, this won't do. I need a different bin."
He sees the fourth recycling bin. marked "r/Jokes". The man says, "Oh, finally. Somewhere I can recycle all my old Po...
...And That's When I Lost It.
I rear-ended a midget the other day with my car. I didn't know he was a midget when I ran into him. I got out to apologize, expecting a normal size driver, and when I saw the midget climb out of his car and start walking back toward me with his grumpy face, I just about lost it. I can't help it, I laugh when I'm nervous, and he just looked so funny marching back toward me.
So anyways, I'm doing everything I can to avoid cracking up because I know it's only going to make it worse if I start laughing at him after I've already dented his car....
A Chinese doctor opens his own clinic
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside :
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer:...
Typical White Man
An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief.
The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back.
The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the...
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