Funny Story

FunnyStory about animals and all around the world

Thứ Năm, 31 tháng 8, 2017

A length of rope walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and says “get out, we don’t serve ropes in here!” The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together. Not pleased with his appearance, he takes a comb and combs out his ends. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says “hey, aren’t you that rope I just kicked out?” And the rope replied “no, I’m a frayed knot.”...

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed,...

Doctor prescribed me LSD for my constipation

Thought it was a strange until on the way home i saw a dragon and shit myself...

The Indian that never forgets.

Once a man was traveling through the west on vacation, when he saw a sign that said, "Meet the Indian Who Never Forgets, Next Exit". Well, being curious, the man stops at the attraction to see the Indian. He asks the man, "What did you have for breakfast on June 9, 1978?" The Indian replies "Eggs!" Well, everyone has eggs for breakfast, this guy is a charlatan, the man thinks. 10 years later, the same man is on vacation again, and sees the sign for the Indian again. He thinks what the heck, I'll stop in and see him. When the man approaches the...

I slapped Dwayne Johnson's ass

I guess I've hit Rock Bottom....

I like the smell of mothballs.

But it can sometimes be hard getting their little legs apart....

Today I had sex with 3 girls

I wish i could post this in a different sub....

They should build the wall with Hillary's emails

Because nobody can get over them....

Braille isn't that hard to learn...

You just have to get a feel for it...

Why Sorority Girls Dress Alike

Why Sorority Girls Dress Alike For sorority girls, clothes become a shorthand for identity. August 31, 2017 at 12:49AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2wolz...

What is common between a first time in bed and a lucky reddit post?

Edit: Whoa! Didn't expect this to blow up like this!...

Ugliest baby that I've ever seen

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."...

My grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft, killing 32 Nazi aviators.

Easily the worst mechanic Luftwaffe ever had....

Thứ Tư, 30 tháng 8, 2017

Johnny gets a long weekend

On a Thursday near the end of the day a teacher tells the class that whoever can name the person who said a famous quote could have Friday off. Teacher "Ok class, who can tell me who said 'There is nothing to fear but fear itself'? Sally excitedly shouts "FDR!" Teacher "Thats correct Sally, you can have tomorrow off." Sally responds "No thanks. I'm Japanese and we value our education so I'll be here tomorrow." Teacher "Ok then, let's give someone else a chance. Can anyone tell me who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you but what you...

What does a pregnant teenager and her unborn baby have in common?

They're both thinking 'Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me...' I know this is a repost. Welcome to /r/jokes...

I was fired for sending one of my students to detention "for being tardy".

Special education just wasn't for me....

I'm definitely the loser if I run over a deer. It's going to cost me hundreds of dollars.

But nature is only out a buck....

My wife just said to me, "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago and it still fits me."

I said, "It's a fucking scarf."...

I have a fear of speed bumps

I'm slowly getting over it Edit: My first dad joke....

I could tell my wife was cheating on me when she said she was out with her friend.

Her friend has been in bed with me for the past hour. That lying, cheating bitch....

North Korea now has a missle that can reach New York City, and I think that's really scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere....

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Levictus 20:13 esv]...

I only know 25 letters...

I don't know Y...

America is so racist and homophobic

That people even want their teeth to be straight and white....

I was given MDMA and LSD tonight...

What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble....

Hurricane Harvey is no joke.

https://twitter.com/fema/status/902646949479841793 To find out how to help, follow the link above....

South Asia Is Also Experiencing The Worst Flooding In Decades And The Photos Are Horrifying

South Asia Is Also Experiencing The Worst Flooding In Decades And The Photos Are Horrifying Extreme rainfall has led to devastating floods across Nepal, India, and Bangladesh, killing nearly 1,200 people and displacing millions. August 29, 2017 at 07:47PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2xJB1...

I'm all for jokes, but jokes about sexually abusing mentally handicapped people?

That's fucking retarded....

A wife is a sex object...

Every time you ask for sex, she objects....

Roe vs Wade is in the news again.

Right now, it's the two main forms of Houston transportation...

My neighbour asked if I'd been stealing clothes off her washing line

I nearly shit her pants...

Three friends are fishing when a crocodile comes ashore and grants them three wishes...

The first friend says "I wish I could catch a huge marlin" The crocodile swims away for a moment, then comes back. The friend then pulls in a massive marlin. "Amazing!" Says the second friend "Well you know what? I wish I were rich" The crocodile then swims underwater and fetches a treasure chest full of money and gold and gives it to him. "INCREDIBLE!" says the third friend "I've got a better one, I wish my penis touched the ground!" The crocodile bites his legs off....

Thứ Ba, 29 tháng 8, 2017

Many people are surprised by the engagement of Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian, but not me.

If I founded reddit I'd be searching for better servers too....

What did the two tampons say to each other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts. I literally traded a homeless guy a cigarette for that joke. Worth it....

Confederate statues these days...

[removed]...

So I've been talking to this cute 14 year old and now she's telling me she's an undercover cop

How fucking cool is that for someone her age?...

So many Christians run non-profit organizations. On the other hand, atheists...

...only run non-prophet organizations....

I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?

Not a fan....

I watched director's cut of a porn film...

At the end he actually fixed the washing machine....

Whoever decided to name girl underwear "panties" fucked up.

How do you skip Cuntainers?...

I'm single by choice

Just not my choice....

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work...

...I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever....

One of my friends told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won't even look at them anymore..

It's almost as if they have become trans-parent....

Why is Jon Snow so ticklish?

Aunts in his pants......

Trump’s business sought deal on a Trump Tower in Moscow while he ran for president

Trump’s business sought deal on a Trump Tower in Moscow while he ran for president The deal fell apart in January 2016 on the eve of the presidential primaries. August 28, 2017 at 12:06PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2iAZT...

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost...

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered...

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon...

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F....

I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance

I told her thank you I did gymnastics as a kid....

A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice." "Oh please, Mom," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 200 hours of community service?"...

"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything....

Thứ Hai, 28 tháng 8, 2017

Whenever I get naked in the bathroom,

The shower usually gets turned on....

Contemplating marriage

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs,...

Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad...

Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly. "Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly!?" Johnny asks, pointing. Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, "Oh, don't worry about that, Johnny. That's nothing." Dad comes back and mom goes off to use the washroom. Once mommy is gone, Little Johnny asks, "Daddy, what's that long thing beneath the bull's belly?" "That's the bull's cock, son," his dad answers. "He uses it to mount and fuck a cow." "But mommy...

My dick may be only 4 inches,

But it smells like a foot...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Northern Irishman walk into a bar

The Englishman wants to leave, so they all have to....

Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"....

Yo momma is so ugly...

Her dildo needs viagra...

Why did the semen cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning....

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take....

Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...

His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay." Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"...

As White Nationalist in Charlottesville Fired, Police ‘Never Moved’

As White Nationalist in Charlottesville Fired, Police ‘Never Moved’ Pleas for help and a safety plan were ignored at a rally that turned deadly on August 12, participants said. August 27, 2017 at 08:34PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2wA6c...

What does a clock do when its hungry?

It goes back 4 seconds....

I've been doing yoga for 5 years.

It's been a long stretch...

Are you coming?

Teacher : What's wrong ? John: Our house is very small. My mum,my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, John are you sleeping ? Then I say No & then he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye" Teacher: Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet. don't answer. The following morning John comes back with a severe black eye again. Teacher: My goodness, Why the black eye again ? John: Dad asked me again, John are you sleeping ? I shut up & kept dead still.Then my dad and my mom started moving, you know, at the same...

Chủ Nhật, 27 tháng 8, 2017

I'm glad I wasn't close to my dad when he died

He stepped on a landmine...

If Snapchat has taught me anything ....

.... it's that a lot of today's teens look better as farm animals....

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent....

A man walks into a bar and orders nine shots of jaegermeister.

"Why are you ordering so many?" asks the barman? "I just had my first blowjob" says the man. "Well shit, congratulations, have a tenth one on me!" "Thanks, but if nine doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will"....

I have a T-Rex who sells me guns.

He's a small arms dealer....

Why does McGregor love springtime so much?

Cause you just can't beat Mayweather....

I lied about my age

A 60 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife! Friend: "How did she marry you?" Billionaire: "I lied about my age!" Friend: "You said 45?" Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"...

Mayweather is actually 54-0

If you count the women...

Damn, girl, are you a math book?

Because you have a lot of fuckin problems....

Think Mayweather/Mcgregor is going to be the biggest fight of the year?

Just wait until my girl finds out I paid $100 to see it....

How many shots can an Irish man handle?

about 10 rounds. Edit: (Mayweather vs McGregor)...

I once got yelled at for peeing in a pool

Scared me so much I almost fell in....

Whenever I see a female bus driver, I'm reminded of how far we have come as a society...

Then I wait for the next bus...

Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby....

Pro Life Tip

Don't get an abortion....

Here's How The Air Canada Near Disaster Was Averted

Here's How The Air Canada Near Disaster Was Averted If this had happened, it might have been the deadliest aviation incident in history. August 26, 2017 at 11:39PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2wyob...

My motto in life is to always give 100%

It does make blood donation quite tricky....

My girlfriend looked at me with her sexy eyes and said, "I want you to make me scream with your two fingers baby"

.... so I poked her in the eyes....

Tesla released a car air freshener last week...

They call it Elon's Musk....

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant

But then I changed my mind...

Thứ Bảy, 26 tháng 8, 2017

Fitting joke for Hurricane Harvey

This is a Joke my Dad (who is Catholic) once told me when I was young. With Hurricane Harvey currently outside my window, I was reminded of it. Maybe it will give some humor to those currently in worse off areas than I. A woman lives on the Texas coastline. Her town orders her to evacuate, but she refuses saying "Jesus will provide". At first, the storm is light but as the night progresses the wind and rain kill the power. Time passes, and soon the storm surge has her up on the roof of her house. She brings only an electric lantern and prays "Jesus...

My ex updated her status on Facebook to standing on the edge of a cliff.

So I poked her...

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him....

Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed?

Because her algaebra didn't hold up....

Make love to me like in the movies

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair. I guess we don't watch the same movies....

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am....

What do French men have that French women don't?

A oui oui....

I entered a my pet snail into a race and removed its shell thinking it would make it faster...

Unfortunately, it only made it more sluggish....

A chemist, an engineer and a mathematician were all asleep in a hotel when several fires broke out in their respective rooms....

The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep. The chemist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC (chemistry handbook), and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went...

Former president Clinton

Walks into a dry cleaner with a suit, "I'm in a hurry can I get this by 3 today?" The clerk, preoccupied, quickly looked up and asked "come again?" "No, it was mustard this time."...

The Best Dick Gregory Story

The Best Dick Gregory Story The comedian was able to cross over to white audiences without ever bowing to those audiences. August 26, 2017 at 04:11AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2vp2I...

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.

His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."...

RIP boiled water 2017-2017

You will be Mist....

I asked my maths teacher, "Will we ever use any of this algebra?"

She said, "You won't, but some of the smart kids might."...

An old man enters a jewelry store with a much younger woman

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The...

I have a pet tree...

It's like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter....

Two guys meet up in a bar

The first one asks, “Did your hear the news? Mike is dead!” “Woah, what the hell happened to him?” “Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.” “What a horrible way to die!” “No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor....

A Man Suffered from a 3rd degree burn in his face...

So his Wife donated a piece of her butt skin for surgery. After that He got his cheeks again and Asked his Wife how he can repay her ever again. She said dear when I see your mother and sisters kissing my Ass It well be more that enough of a reward....

Thứ Sáu, 25 tháng 8, 2017

I'm concerned with the world news at the moment. Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York,

and I was thinking. "If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere"....

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he just kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband...

How many terrorists jokes are out there?

You'll have to c-4 yourself....

Masturbating while looking in a mirror isn't wrong.

Unless it's a rear view mirror, and you're driving a school bus...

My girlfriend broke up with me because she said I was too mysterious

Or did she?...

How do you spot a rich Ethiopian?

By the Rolex around his waist....

My Wife told me to take out the spider instead of killing it...

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer....

A Blonde Crashes a helicopter

A passerby jumps out and rushes up to her and exclaims,"What happened!?". She explains,"It got cold so I turned off the fan"....

"I've made a lot of sacrifices to get to where I am today,"

said the Aztec high priest....

What should happen to the person who invented Knock Knock jokes?

They should get a No-Bell prize. :)...

Please don't kill me for this.

The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away....

Cat for Sale

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector...

What is the worst your wife can say during sex?

"Honey, I'm home"...

Three engineers were discussing who could have been the architect of the human body.

The first said, "It definitely was a Mechanical Engineer, look at all the joints." The second said, "Nah dude, it was an Electrical Engineer, look at all the electrical connections from the brain." The third said, "Nope, only a Civil Engineer will run piping carrying sanitation waste right next to a recreational area."...

Mom, someone called me gangster at school today.

Mom: Dont worry I'll go tomorrow and solve this problem Son: Make sure it looks like an accident....

This Brilliant Lock Is Basically Unpickable

This Brilliant Lock Is Basically Unpickable Bosnian Bill is YouTube's master lock picker, so it's always fun when he encounters a lock that he simply can't ​crack. And the "Forever" lock is one such lock. August 24, 2017 at 10:02PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2vj3P...

Why are parents so bad at discussing sex with their kids?

When I was ten-years-old, I saw two dogs shagging in the street and asked my Mum what they were doing. “Dancing,” she replied. The first school dance I went to, I got fucking expelled....

What's the difference between arguing with a knife and arguing with your girlfriend?

The knife has a point....

“Do you look at your wife’s face when you are having sex?”

“I did once and she looked really angry.” “Why angry?” “Because she was watching from the window!”...

Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?

He was too far out man...

Why does the little mermaid wear seashells?

Because she grew out of her b-shells....

I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking.....

We can collect her ashes tomorrow....

Thứ Năm, 24 tháng 8, 2017

This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses

I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again....

My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn.

She asked me come fix her sink, I been here for an hour and I'm still fixing the damn sink....

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!" He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year"....

Jesus walks up to an Arabic man and asks...

An Arabic man is walking his animals when out of nowhere Jesus appears. Jesus walks up to the Arabic man and asks "Hi good man, could I speak to your dog?" The man replies "Jesus, my dog can't speak" Jesus ignores the comment and adresses the dog "Dog, how are you doing, are you treated fair?" The dog replies "My lord, I am very happy. My owner feeds my well, walks me 3 times a day, and plays with me all the time" The Arabic man stands there in astonishment Jesus asks "My good man, could I now speak to your horse?" The man replies "Jesus, my horse...

I called the rape advice hotline today

Apparently it's only for victims...

Son: Dad, a guy called me gay at the school today

Dad: Punch him in the face. Son: But he is so cute....

My Grandad was a WWII veteran.

In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing 32 Nazi aviators. Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had....

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two....

I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda.

When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea....

I told my boyfriend I wanted to try something I saw in a porno.

He wasn't as enthusiastic when I started fucking the pizza guy....

Vegans proven wrong again

If animals really didn't want to be eaten then why would they be made out of food? Check mate vegans...

My wife just got out of the tub and was wrapped in a towel when she heard a knock

She went down to the door in her towel. She opened it to our neighbor, Bob. Bob looks at her, and quickly says, "Look this might be weird but ill give you $800 if you drop the towel right now. She proceeds to drop the towel, exposing herself to Bob. Bob hands here the 800 dollars and walks away. My wife comes upstairs. I asked her, Hey, who was at the door? "Oh, just our neighbor Bob." She says. I say, "Oh damn, where'd he go? Does he have the $800 he owes me?"...

Former Director Of National Intelligence Questions Trump's Fitness For Office After Phoenix Speech

Former Director Of National Intelligence Questions Trump's Fitness For Office After Phoenix Speech Immediately after Trump's Phoenix speech last night, Don Lemon and James Clapper heavily criticized the President and questioned whether he was fit to continue serving. August 24, 2017 at 12:08AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2wnmy...

Joseph decides it's time to tell Jesus the truth....

Since Jesus is a teenager, Joseph thinks he can handle it. He tells Jesus that he's not really his father, in a technical sense. Jesus is incredulous. He can't believe it. He asks who his father really is. Joseph explains to Jesus that he's the son of god. Jesus can't even comprehend this. He can only manage to stammer out "No way" Joseph looks at him and says "Yahweh..."...

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius...

... but his brother Frank was a monster...

I told two twins their matching outfits are cute...

"Did your mom buy you matching clothes?" I asked politely. To which they answered, "We're not twins and could we see your license and registration please."...

People Start Hating Their Jobs at Age 35

People Start Hating Their Jobs at Age 35 There's the stress of being in a high-ranking position — or the disappointment of not making it far enough up the career ladder. True, salaries are higher, but life starts to get more expensive. "Work-life balance" starts to mean taking care of children, rather than just personal stress management. August 23, 2017 at 12:20AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2wvjX...

This girl was handing out vegan pamphlets when she said she recognized me

I said I never met herbivore...

If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?...

Thứ Tư, 23 tháng 8, 2017

The toilet brush

A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one. The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We have other models that might work better." The man agrees and buys a little more expensive one. The next day the man is back yet again. The shopkeeper, visually puzzled on how a toilet brush can be such a big deal, asks "What's the matter, didn't like the...

A resourceful woman...

A woman gets into a very busy restaurant around lunch time. She is told the next available table would be free in an hour. She holds her phone to her ear, and with a loud voice says: "Honey, you won't believe it, but your husband is having lunch with his girlfriend at so-and-so restaurant" Half the diners instantly get up and rush to the exit.....

What would a Skyrim guard say if he saw you choking a little girl?

No loli gaggin'...

What's the name of the Mexican that loses his car?

Carlos......

Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"

Husband : "What did I do?" Wife: "You slept with my sister, you bastard!" Husband: "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?" Wife: "The fucking autopsy!"...

Paddy is leaving his wife

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously. "What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" "Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law....

I was recently asked if I believed faith could move mountains.

Apparently "No, but I've seen what it can do to buildings," is the wrong answer....

What does the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift....

Tequila may not be the answer...

...but it's worth a shot....

What do we want?

LOW FLYING AEROPLANE NOISES!!! When do we want them? Nyeeeeeeooooooowww!!!!...

The Best Way To Read Tolkien's 'Hobbit' And 'Lord Of The Rings' Stories

The Best Way To Read Tolkien's 'Hobbit' And 'Lord Of The Rings' Stories J.R.R. Tolkien's Middle-earth lore can seem intimidating, but with a simplified order and some biographical background, reading along should go from seeming like a climb up Mount Doom to a stroll in The Shire. August 22, 2017 at 06:50PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2x8yB...

A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and veg are grocer....

What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a small fencing sword?

One's a little rapier......

If communism doesn't work, why do so many people still support it?

They don't work either....

A Muslim dies and goes to heaven.

He is about to climb up the white clouded stairs and stops in front of a golden gate. There is a bearded man waiting for him. The Muslim asks: "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I'm St. Peter. Mohammed is higher up" The Muslim is very happy to hear that Mohammed is more important than Saint Peter and is higher up. He climbs another flight of stairs .Tired, he stops in front of another large gate. He finds a young man with curly blond hairs and asks: "Are you Mohammed?" "No, I'm Michael, Mohammed is higher up" The Muslim is in ecstasy learning that Mohammed...

A man and woman were having sex and the woman was dissatisfied

Woman : You know, this wasn't what I expected when you said you were magical in bed *Man pulls out ten of hearts Man : And is this your card? Woman : Holy shit...

The Sun and the Moon walk into a bar...

Sun: Ahhh damn it! I forgot my wallet. Moon: Hey no worries, I'll cover ya....

Importance of a name

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn." Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit...

Thứ Ba, 22 tháng 8, 2017

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair....

My wife just told me that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I believe her, bananas are much easier to peel....

I still remember my grandfather's last words

Don't point that gun at me you idiot...

Interview with NASA

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T." The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered...

What follows 16 Sodium atoms into a bar?

Batman....

The eclipse did two things our political leaders cannot.

It slowed global warming and gave us all something to look up to...

LPT Everytime your girlfriend/wife gives you a blowjob, put a dollar in a jar.

On her birthday, buy her a present with only the money in the jar....

Why didn't the sun go to college?

It already had a million degrees....

Two reasons I don't drink toilet water.

No.1 No.2...

This idiot on the treadmill at the gym.

Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder....

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...

And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon....

You Can See The Solar Eclipse Darken The West Coast In 

You Can See The Solar Eclipse Darken The West Coast In  At this point, we all understand that the total solar eclipse is super cool, but this timelapse from an NOAA satellite showing the eclipse plunging the Northwest into darkness will give you a whole new level of appreciation. August 22, 2017 at 04:25AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2whns...

I got a girlfriend today!

I wish I could post this on any other thread....

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’

because I’m terrible at tennis....

My career is in ruins.

It’s great being an archaeologist....

Two blondes are going to Disney Land

At the turn off, they see a sign saying "Disneyland left" They went home crying....

3.14% of sailors are....

π-rates...

I'm taking my wife for skydiving.

So if you see a solar eclipse today, don't be surprised....

Thứ Hai, 21 tháng 8, 2017

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point....

A Korean man and a Jewish man are in a bar, total strangers to one another.

The Jewish man walks up to the Korean man and, totally unprompted, punches him in the face. Naturally, the Korean man goes "What was that for?" The Jewish man responds, "That was for Pearl Harbor." "Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese," says the Korean man. "Ah, Korean, Chinese, Japanese — you guys are all the same." Looking not to argue, they part ways. Later in the night, the Korean man walks up to the Jewish man, and punches him in the face as well. "Okay, okay, I get it — that's fair. I punched you, you punched me, but what was that for?" "That...

I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Being ugly every day sucks....

Father: Hey son what are you drinking?

Son: Soy-milk Father: Hola milk, soy tu padre...

The last four letters in “queue” are not silent

They’re just waiting their turn....

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline.”

“You don’t have much of a case,” he replied....

A Psychic buying clothes.

Employee: How about this one? Psychic: That shirt is too small. Employee: You didn’t even try it on. Psychic: I’m a medium....

An underage weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry. I can't serve underage weasels." The weasel says, "That's fine. I don't need something alcoholic. What else do you have?" The bartender says "Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?" "Pop," goes the weasel....

Charlottesville Was a Preview of the Future of the Republican Party

Charlottesville Was a Preview of the Future of the Republican Party In the age of President Donald Trump, what inspires a young person not merely to be conservative or vote Republican, but to get active in organized Republican politics? August 20, 2017 at 11:58PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2x3Ln...

Predicting Reddit tomorrow

"TIFU by looking directly at the eclipse"...

A trucker is driving his rig at night

He's on the phone to one of his mates. At one point he asks: "Fred, what would you say is the height of the largest type of penguin?" "That's a really weird question Tom, but I guess around 120cm" "Ah... are you sure? Not tall as say, a human?" "I wouldn't say so Tom, seems pretty unlikely" "Ah, shit... I guess I just ran over a Nun then.."...

Chủ Nhật, 20 tháng 8, 2017

A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having...

[Introducing girlfriend to my family]

Me : This is my girlfriend janine Janine : Hi Wife : What the fuck...

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it's the scenter....

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not....

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018. I'm so glad they dug it up just in time...

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet...

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either....

The flight attendant see's a suspicious looking couple onboard,

so she reports it to the Captain immediately. “Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard. She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous. We must save the lady!" The Captain responds, "Patricia, I’ve told you before....You do not work for United Airlines anymore. This is Air Force One. For the last time...please learn to respect the American President!"...

An Old Man is thrown out of a bar

A young man who was walking down the street says "Hey Old-Timer, what happened in there". The old man looks at him and says "Well son, I am Jesus Christ". "Jesus Christ?", the young man replied skeptically. "Yes my son, follow me", the old man said as he walked into the bar. As he enters, the bartender turns around and says "Jesus Christ! not you again!"...

So a dad is fed up with his son lying to him…

Dad: (brings home lie detector) so son, what did you do today? Son: I went to school (Beep) Son: fine, I went to my friends house. Dad: what did you do at your friends house? Son: we watched a movie Dad: what kind of movie? Son: A Disney film (Beep) Son: Ok fine we watched an r rated movie Dad: Holy crap, even I wasn't exposed to that kind of material when I was a kid (Beep) (Everyone looks at the dad) Mom: Well, he's your son (BEEP)...

Parking a single car doesn’t require much space.

But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot....

You guys wanna hear a construction joke?

..... hold on I'm working on it. (Brought to you by my 8 year old nephew)...

My dad was so Competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last

He said, "Staring contest... GO."...

Chinese doctor in the US

An Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100 A American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic... Lawyer : "I have lost my sense of taste" Chinese doctor : "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth" Lawyer : "Ugh..this is kerosene" Chinese doctor : "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20" The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his...

Trump, First Lady Pull Out Of Kennedy Center Honors Ceremony To Avoid 'Distraction' For Honorees

Trump, First Lady Pull Out Of Kennedy Center Honors Ceremony To Avoid 'Distraction' For Honorees The White House, already facing a growing boycott by several honorees, announced that the Trumps will not participate in this year's annual Kennedy Center Honors ceremony. August 19, 2017 at 09:31PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2vbq2...

I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough.

Turns out my parents weren't even related....

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript

Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed autopsy, did you check for pulse?” Witness: “No” Lawyer: “did you check for blood pressure?” Witness: “No” Lawyer: “did you check for breathing?” Witness: “No” Lawyer: “ so, then it is possible for the patient to be alive when you began the autopsy?” Doctor: “no” Lawyer: “how can you be so sure doctor ?” Doctor: “because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar” Lawyer: “but the patient could have been alive nevertheless?” Witness: “yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law som...

When I was younger I would fuck anything that moved

Now that I'm older, I don't like to place those kinds of limitations...

A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 beers.

The bartender pours them for him. He then takes equal sips from each beer and proceeds to do so until all glasses are empty. He pays and leaves. He does this every day for a week before the bartender decides to ask what that's all about. "Why do you come in and order three beers, and then take equal sips from them until they are empty?" Asks the bartender. The guy replies "well, I've got three brothers. We used to meet up every evening for a beer, but they had to move out of town. So we've decided that each of us will drink three beers every day,...

Many people are shocked when they find out..

That I’m a horrible electrician....

Heard about the Robert E Lee statue at Duke University campus?

[removed]...

I told my doctor that I broke my arms in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places....

I was breastfed until 3

But enough about my day, how was yours?...

Thứ Bảy, 19 tháng 8, 2017

At the spelling bee

Judge: Your word is "there." Me: In a sentence please. Judge: They're parking their car over there....

A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm...

For a guy i think i have a nice butt,

Because evertime i walk away from a conversation i hear, "What an ass"....

The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!" Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!" So the Pope slapped him...

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."...

I was in a long staring contest with the sun.

Everything is dark now, dare I say it, I must have won....

If there was a reality show about flat-earthers trying to find the edge of the world

The ending would be a cliffhanger....

I don't see why in this day and age there aren't marches against fat shaming

Because marches would definitely solve the problem....

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few...

Why should you never make fun of a fat person with a lisp?

Because he's thick and tired of it...

What’s the engineering term for a one night stand?

A nut and bolt....

What does a pulley like the best about its position?

It's the center of a tension....

Comas can change the meaning of a sentence.

For example: "Donald is in a hurry." "Donald is in a coma."...

CNN Scrolls Through A List Of Everything Trump Has Done The Last 4 Weeks, And Oh Man, This Is Exhausting

CNN Scrolls Through A List Of Everything Trump Has Done The Last 4 Weeks, And Oh Man, This Is Exhausting Keeping up with the news these days has become something of a never-ending treadmill, and the last four weeks in particular have been crazy. August 19, 2017 at 04:05AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2woQH...

What is the difference between North Korea and EA (Not repost)

North Kor...

Three ducks got arrested and had to go to court

The first duck gets up on the stand, the judge says "Tell me your name and what you did wrong." The first duck says "my name is Quack, and I got busted for blowing bubbles in the pond." Judge says "Ok, you go to jail for 3 days." The second duck gets on the stand and the judge asks the same thing. The duck says "My name is Quack Quack, and I got caught blowing bubbles in the pond." The judge sends him to jail for 3 days. The third duck gets up on the stand and the judge says "Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack?" The duck says "Nah, I'm...

People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought against the Nazis....

A guy walks into a bar and orders six Jägermeister shots

The bartender asks him if it's a special occasion? The guy answers "Yes, my very first blowjob". The bartender gets excited and says "Congratulations, I'll give you the seventh shot on the house". The guy answers "Nah, if six Jäger shots isn't enough to get rid of the taste, the seventh wont make much of a difference"....

In North Korea, we have this joke about Kim Jong-un

[removed]...

Thứ Sáu, 18 tháng 8, 2017

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 ate 9. Why did 7 eat 9? Because you need 3 squared meals a day. The police arrested 3 as well as 7, why? Because 3 was the root of the problem....

I don't know how to tell you this

Doctor: I don't know how to tell you this but you really have to stop masturbating. Patient: Really doctor, why? Doctor: So I can examine you....

An italian is picking up chicks at the bar

While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?” After a slight pause, she replies, “No.” Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first, and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts. Again he rolls over, lights...

What's the difference between EA and North Korea?

North Korea didn't fuck up as many launches as EA...

I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet

So far I've got eight fridges...

A young man meets a beautiful girl and asks her out on a date.

He is surprised when she says yes, and they decide to go out that Saturday. So the young man goes home, and spends the remainder of the week agonizing over what to do on their date. Should they go to dinner? A movie? Roller skating? Skydiving? Maybe go on a big game hunt? He has no idea. Finally Saturday comes, and as he is driving over to pick her up, he notices a sign saying that the Big Top is in town. He immediately knows that’s where they need to go. So he picks up his date, radiant as ever, and they head to the Circus. She’s incredibly excited,...

Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks.

The first blonde says, "Hey, look at that, deer tracks!" The second blonde chimes in and responds, "No, Becky, those are moose tracks!" The third blonde steps in and says, "You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!" The three blondes kept arguing about what animal left the tracks until they were eventually hit by a train....

TIME, The Economist Come Out Swinging For Trump On Their New Covers

TIME, The Economist Come Out Swinging For Trump On Their New Covers As the debate over Charlottesville and Trump's response continues, the major publications are starting to weigh in. So far TIME, The New Yorker, and The Economist have released theirs — and they're not pulling their punches. August 18, 2017 at 03:15AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2vGf3...

I was devastated when I got a text from my wife telling me I was crap in bed.

It’s ok though, turns out she got the wrong number....

At a carnival, a strongman cuts a lemon in half.

He then takes one half and squeezes it as hard as he can. He turns to the crowd and says: "A hundred dollars for any man or woman who can squeeze a single drop of juice into this glass!" Several men confidently walk up to the stage, but none of them manage to complete the challenge, despite their big muscles. Eventually, a tiny, frail looking gentleman walks up to the stage. The strongman laughs, but gives him a go. To everyone's surprise, the man squeezes the lemon and almost fills the entire glass. Stunned, the strongman asks the obvious winner...

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money....

I love eating babies and smiling

but I hate punctuation...

What do you call a pizza joint run by epileptic midgets?

Little Seizure's...

As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me...

What joke has the slowest build-up to the shittiest punchline?

Life...

Have you heard of the Saudi Arabia gay pride anthem?

We will, we will rock you!...

TIL The American flag on the moon has turned white due to radiation

Now it looks like the French landed on the moon...

What do you call a nine sided shape that won't reveal its identity?

Anonogon....

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, men can be feminists too...

Thứ Năm, 17 tháng 8, 2017

Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs.

I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair....

Why don't tennis players get married?

Because love means nothing to them....

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office

It improved my outlook....

"Tony, can you spell your name backwards?"

Tony: sure... y not...

A man is walking home one foggy night,

When behind him he hears: Thump... Thump... Thump... He looks back, but the source of the sound is obscured by the fog. He continues walking. Thump... Thump... Thump... He begins to walk faster, and looks back over his shoulder as he hurries along. He sees the faint outline of a coffin standing upright, hopping along after him. Thump... Thump... Thump... Terrified, the man begins to run, cutting through an alley in hopes of losing his pursuer, but the coffin follows quickly. Thump... Thump... Thump... Faster and faster he goes, until he finally...

If I'm offering you my seat, you fucking take it.

I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit...

Dear God,

If you want us to impeach Trump, just give us a sign. Like blot out the sun. Anytime in the next week. Thanks, America....

Me and my buddy were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography.

Unfortunately, my mothersaurus....

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave I thought for a moment, if I fell off the bicycle the bottle would fall out of the basket and break. To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home...

What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction....

When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left.

I don’t want to intimidate her with the competition right away...

Confederate monuments taken down in Baltimore overnight

Confederate monuments taken down in Baltimore overnight Confederate statues in Baltimore were removed from their concrete bases overnight, as crews using heavy machinery loaded them onto flat bed trucks and hauled them away, an end to more than a year of indecision surrounding what to do with the memorials. August 16, 2017 at 06:31PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2uIwL...

What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common?

They both turn “o” into an “O”....

A very sad day today

After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were very good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of freckin’ time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet....

An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.

The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies." The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working, but he can't find the Japanese guy anywhere. So all of them start looking for him. After hours of searching, they still can't find him so they give up and turn to go home for the evening when suddenly, the Japanese guy jumps out of nowhere and screams "SUPPLIE...

Where did Noah keep the bees during the flood?

In the Ark Hives....

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies,

You'd almost think the whole country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground...

How does every black joke start?

With a look over your shoulder....

What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph because he's too short to be an essay...

Thứ Tư, 16 tháng 8, 2017

Everyone is trying to climb the ladder to success

And at the top is a guy named Sess, having the time of his life....

They say Magnum condoms are only good for big schlongs

I don't buy it...

What does the antisocial, know-it-all frog say?

Reddit Reddit Reddit...

Naughty kid draws a penis on a black board

Lady teacher rubs it off. Next day he draws a bigger one and writes: "REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!...

Diarrhea is hereditary....

....it runs in your jeans....

I watched two guys rob an Apple Store today. The police caught them.

I'm going to be an iWitness at the trial...

Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side...

...only three more sleeps till Christmas....

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”...

A Mexican man cannot find work and finally heads home for the evening.

On his way home, he finds a cross at the bottom of a hill. So he kneels and prays to God, "Please God, let me find a way to feed my family". At the top of this hill, a black man was walking home from grocery shopping when the bottom of his bag gave out and a cheese wheel rolled straight down towards the Mexican man. When the Mexican man opened his eyes, lo-and-behold, there was a gigantic wheel of cheese at his feet. Overjoyed, he picked up the cheese and ran all the way home. He showed his wife the cheese and said "Look what God has provided...

My friend is visiting Germany this week. I suggested he might want to make it a permanent move.

There's fewer Nazis over there....

A cowboy walks into a livery stable and asks for a horse...

"I need a horse, but I'm short on cash. What can I get for $25?" the cowboy asks the owner. "Well, for fifteen I can give you 'ol Bill. He's seen a few years but he's still a fast horse" replies the owner. "Why so cheap then?" "Well, he ain't so good at listening. You see, he gets his Whoas and Giddy-ups mixed-up." "You're kidding? Well, I don't have much choice. Here's $15, friend." After he'd payed for the horse the owner went out to the stable to get Bill. When he came back, the cowboy could see that Bill was indeed old, but had very strong...

As the KKK are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...

Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?...

Vice News' Inside Account Of The Charlottesville Protests Is A Terrifying Must-Watch

Vice News' Inside Account Of The Charlottesville Protests Is A Terrifying Must-Watch VICE News was embedded with the white nationalist protesters throughout the weekend, and the resulting episode is a scary, riveting piece of television. August 15, 2017 at 09:54PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2vFMS...

Wrong E-Mail Address

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address! A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules together. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email...

My kid made this one up: How do you make Swiss cheese?

With a holey cow....

I can't believe that they fired me from the clock making factory!

After all the extra hours I put into it!...

Thứ Ba, 15 tháng 8, 2017

My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog.

She was furious, she said "what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"...

I was holding a door open for this asian guy and he said "sank you".

I punched him square in the jaw, how dare he bring up pearl harbour like that....

If a woman has sex with 10 different men, she's considered a slut, but if a man does the same thing...

...he is gay. Definitely gay....

Why did the hipster drown?

He went ice skating before it was cool....

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"...

"Daddy, how do stars die?"

"Drugs, normally."...

[NSFW] I hate it when my girlfriend yells somebody else's name during sex.

Like, who the hell is rape?...

If it wasn't for Muslims, we wouldn't have had 9/11...

It would have been IX/XI....

A man came home to his wife who had the BDSM equipment out [NSFW]

Wife: "Come and play with me" Man: "Okay..." He tied her down, and one of the things the woman was into was using objects that aren't meant for sexual use for her pleasure. So, the man went into the backyard and got a wooden post from the fence. He walked back in and slid the post up the woman's ass, but it slid out. He tried again and again, but every time it fell out. The man asked himself what could be wrong. And then he realized, there was just simply too much reposting on this sub....

What's 50 feet long and has 7 teeth?

The front row of a Neo nazi rally....

Where does a horse go when it gets sick?

A horse-pital! Haha just kidding, they get shot....

The Beauty Brand Everyone Loves, But No One Instagrams

The Beauty Brand Everyone Loves, But No One Instagrams Clinique, a nearly 50-year-old beauty brand, has more die-hards than you realize. August 15, 2017 at 03:08AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2w3JV...

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon....

A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked.

But after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss. "I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said. "Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?" "No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."...

Don't be frightened if you see a Pokemon Go player outside your bathroom window.

He's just trying to catch a pikachu....

My Lesbian Neighbors got me a Rolex for my Birthday...

...I think thy misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."...

After getting the windows on my car tinted black, I showed it to my wife.

She said, "I wouldn't be seen dead in that thing!" I said, "That's the point."...

There’s a big difference between a boy or a girl saying

“I got through a whole box of tissues when I found out my 18 year old sister was adopted”...

Bill Gates and Donald Trump are alone in the Oval Office

Trump remarks,"Bill, together you and I are worth $80 billion." Bill Gates says,"But I'm worth 90 billion."...

Thứ Hai, 14 tháng 8, 2017

#2020

In the year 2020 we're going to have a lot of bad puns about vision. I can't wait to see them all....

What shoes does a rapist wear?

White vans....

I'll never forget what my grandad told me before he kicked the bucket

Daniel I'm sick of this bucket...

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success....

What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad....

My girlfriend asked me if I liked the nudes she sent me

I told her they came in handy....

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it. "Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!" Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch. The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin. The Jew smiles back. The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression. "Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!" He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew." The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite,...

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the...

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife. She asked "How many potatoes would you like?"

I said, "I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite." "Alright, I'll just have one then, you stupid whore"....

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Good food, but no atmosphere....

Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?

Because they have a supreme ruler...

I waved the waitress over to our table.

I said, "Could you get the bill for us?" She said, "Absolutely." I said, "Thanks. We're kind of broke."...

My mom went mental at me for tickling my little brother's feet today -

something about waiting until he's born?......

I once met a man with 5 penises. I said "That must be rough"...and "how does your underwear fit?"

He said "Like a glove!"...

If two white supremacists get a divorce...

Do they still consider each other "cousins"?...

Alt-Right Media Framed Wrong Person in Car Attack, Labeled Him Anti-Trump Druggie

Alt-Right Media Framed Wrong Person in Car Attack, Labeled Him Anti-Trump Druggie Readers flocked to the Facebook page of the Michigan man who was falsely accused of the homicide. August 13, 2017 at 09:29PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2uS8G...

I went to the doctor today...

He had me take off my clothes and put on a gown so he could complete a full physical. I was worried I would be receiving a prostrate exam. Anyways, he walked back in and had me pull my gown up for the ole turn your head and cough check. When I did he took one look at me and said, "Very interesting....You have got to stop masturbating." I asked why, he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."...

The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them.

They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000. Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000. The two generals were very happy with their earnings. Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his dk to the tip of...

Why is Japan the healthiest country in the world?

Because last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died...

A Gorilla Dies of Old Age at A Zoo

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one. Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming...

If 2 wrongs DID make a right...

You'd need 4 wrongs to invent an airplane....

1948; "Did you hear,the Jewish people finally got their own country? Is this real?" "Yes,it is real!"

My best original joke, taa daaa. !!!...

Four Guys Are at a High School Reunion

Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom. The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are. Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri. Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking...

Jim was lazy, but boy was he clever.

A difficult customer walked into the shop that Jim didn't want to deal with, so he grabbed a mop and pretended to clean up a mess. The manager came over and asked him what he was doing. After telling him that he was cleaning, the manager said, "It doesn't look messy here." To which Jim replied, "Why, thank you!"...

Two wrongs don't make a right,

But two wrights make one hell of an airplane....

Chủ Nhật, 13 tháng 8, 2017

A man takes a shortcut home through a graveyard at night.

Whistling loudly to steel himself against the cold fingers of fear, he strides quickly towards his destination. As his eyes adjust to the dark, he notices an uncovered grave left by a lazy gravedigger. Feeling an uneasy chill, he averts his eyes from the coffin laid inside, missing the spade left by the gravedigger. Tripping on the spade, he falls into the grave, landing heavily on the coffin. As fear grips his heart, he scrambles to climb from the grave, only to be flung headlong out onto the mound of dirt lying beside the grave. In terror, he...

As a Canadian..

Every time I hear a bad joke about being Canadian... ...I go right to the Hospital and get my feelings checked for free...

NSFW

Watched some really weird porn the other day: just a sad, fat naked guy masturbating. Then I realised the TV was off....

"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."...

Vladamir Putin, Donald Trump, and Kim Jong Un all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it's for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Donald Trump calls America and talks for 2 hours. When he was finished the devil informs him that his cost is 6 million dollars, so The Don writes him a check. Finally Kim Jong Un gets his turn and he's talking to all his friends, his harem, and all his generals for...

When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman's body.

Then I was born....

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance

Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the growth state of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” So, Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding...

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and asks for a beer

The bartender nods, "and how about one for the road?"...

If having a big car means you have a small dick and having big feet means you have a big dick

Then its no wonder people are afraid of clowns...

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss....

Car Plows Into Counter-Protesters At White Nationalist Rally, And Other News From Charlottesville

Car Plows Into Counter-Protesters At White Nationalist Rally, And Other News From Charlottesville This morning, a rally by white nationalists was abandoned after clashes between protestors and counter-protestors prompted the governor of Indiana to declare a state of emergency. August 13, 2017 at 03:18AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2w016...

Little Johnny goes to a Whorehouse

Little Johnny, about 7 years old, is on his way to a whorehouse. Once he gets there, he goes to the Madame and speaks to her Johnny: Hey there Missus. I would like a hooker, please Madame: I'm sorry little boy. you look way too young to come here. What's your phone number? I think your parents should come pick you up. Johnny: No ma'am. I want a hooker Madame: I can't let you. you're way too young So they start arguing for a few minutes until Johnny reaches into his pocket and grabs a fat wad of cash. The madame thinks about it for a few seconds...

Anal sex is like hacking.

You go in through the backdoor and hope a log isn't found....

My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister." I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me." I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job" A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."...

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock;...

Two deer walk out of a gay bar.

The one deer turns to his friend and says "Man, I blew like 30 bucks in there."...

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules." So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar. "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,...

Thứ Bảy, 12 tháng 8, 2017

A woman goes on vacation to Jamaica.

Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love-making she asks him, “What is your name?” “I can’t tell you,” the black man says. Every night they meet, and every night she asks him again what his name is, and he always responds the same, he can’t tell her. On her last night there she asks again, “Can you please tell me your name?” “I can’t tell you my name because you will laugh at me,” says the black man. “There is no reason for me to laugh at you,” the woman says. “Fine, my name is Snow!” the black man replies. The...