[NSFW] Daughter walks in on mother taking a shower...

Daughter: Mom what are those things hanging on your chest? Mom: They are called boobs.. Daughter: When am I going to get them? Mom: When you grow up Later in the day she walks in on dad taking a shower Daughter: Dad, what is that thing hanging between your legs? Dad: Its called penis.. Daughter: When am I going to get that? Dad: You can get it now but don't tell mommy....

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Americans do use the metric system...

Because they use 9mms at school....

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What's the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Afghanistan elementary school?

I have no clue, I just fly the drone....

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Boss wants to have sex with his secretary

A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you bend down to pick it, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?" She responds, "The bastard used COINS! I'm still picking and he is...

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There are 2 types of people

Those who are worth mentioning ...

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You can't hang a man with a wooden leg,

You need a rope....

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense! Irish cop says, "Licence and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Irish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please" London Lawyer says,...

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I have a pet tree...

It's like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter....

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A man with a dog walks into a bar.

The dog shits on the floor. The man didn’t realise, so he ordered a drink and went to sit down with his dog. A second man enters the bar and slips over on the dog shit. He gets up in shock, staggers over to the bar and orders a drink. A third man enters the bar and also slips on the dog shit. The second man turns to him, laughs and says “Haha I just did that!” Third man smacks him in the face and says “YOU DIRTY FUCKER!”...

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean,...

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Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

Because there are no dental records and their DNA is all the same....

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A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the throat. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!"...

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Head Of Air Force Academy Delivers Stirring Speech To Cadets After Racial Slurs Left In Dorms

Head Of Air Force Academy Delivers Stirring Speech To Cadets After Racial Slurs Left In Dorms  "If you can't treat someone with dignity and respect, then you need to get out." September 29, 2017 at 09:23PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2woKB...

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10 engineering professors board a plane

Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book. One of the students who was on the plane to see how their plane worked, approached the professor, thanking him for trusting them. To which he replies "if my students really made this plane I'm 100% confident this won't even take off"...

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If you thought eBay was bad, don't even try Tinder...

Everytime I log in it says 'No Matches Available'...

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Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded". Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later...

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A man is pulled over by police for speeding

Police 1: do you know how fast you are going? Man: no, but I do know I am escaping a bank heist. Police 1: Really? Man: yes, I robbed the bank and the loot is in my car's trunk Police 1: is that everything? Man: no sir, I have a dead body in my backseat and a gun in my glove compartment [Police 1 calls for backup and now the swat team approaches the man's car] SWAT 1: I'm going to need you step outside the vehicle [ the man steps out and the police search the car] SWAT 1: he appears to have no gun, no stolen money, and no dead body. Police 1:...

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I've been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking and sex that I've finally decided

To give up reading...

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How do you tickle a rich girl?

Say “Gucci Gucci Gucci!”...

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What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice just right...

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There were 3 blondes walking on a trail...

The first blonde said "Those look like deer tracks!" The second blonde said "No those are totally moose tracks... " The third blonde said "Nope, they are goat tracks!" Then a train hit them...

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What's Mozart up to these days?

Decomposing....

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Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

Because he was fingering a minor...

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Wife: You're shirtless?

(husband nods) Wife: And covered in...oil? -Well, you know how you always say I never glisten? Wife: Listen. You never listen. -Oh...

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Trump Keeps Making Up A Nonexistent

Trump Keeps Making Up A Nonexistent  ​A somewhat weird development over the last 24 hours has been President Trump's repeated assertion that the Senate can't pass their health care bill because a "senator is in the hospital," which is... not true. September 28, 2017 at 10:42PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2wXtR...

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eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,061 matches...

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Studying engineering in school is like World War 2.

The objective is clear, there’s an obvious enemy, and everyone is fighting for the same cause. Interviewing to get an engineering job is like Vietnam. Everybody tells you a different objective, you’re not properly equipped for the environment, and the Asians are always one step ahead....

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How do you get a football player to stop resisting arrest?

Sing the national anthem...

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Which knight did King Arthur leave in charge of constructing the round table?

Sir Cumference...

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My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair

I knew she'd come crawling back to me....

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What is Gordon Ramsey’s least favourite movie?

it’s fucking FROZEN...

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Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?

Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!...

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“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly last night.”

“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.” “Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”...

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My chemistry teacher doesn't allow his students to drink water in his class.

Apparently it reduces their concentration....

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A women married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together." One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,"What do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."...

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Just another dad joke

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I'm pregnant HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad WIFE: Second: No you're not...

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Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS....

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What gender pronouns does a chocolate bar use?

her/she...

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So a man walks into a bar with a gun

He yells “Which one one of you twats nailed my wife ?!” as he cocks his gun. Someone at the end of the bar suddenly says : “You don’t have enough bullets mate !”...

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[NSFW] A guy sees his ex

with her new boyfriend and decides to wind him up. So he shouts "How's the second hand pussy" Her boyfriend replies "After the first three inches, it's brand new"...

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A Stanford psychologist on the art of avoiding assholes

A Stanford psychologist on the art of avoiding assholes "Not giving a shit takes the wind out of an asshole's sails." September 27, 2017 at 08:43PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2yGQZ...

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Why did the hipster burn his mouth while drinking coffee?

Because he drank it before it was cool...

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The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents." "No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking." The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?" The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."...

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I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm sexy".

Some days I just stay at a green light till I’m feeling good about myself....

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Light travels faster than sound!

That's why some people appear bright until they talk....

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Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly

So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy." The...

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Two deer walk out of a gay bar

One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."...

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Why are catholic priests called father?

Because "daddy" would be too suspicious...

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4 nuns died in a car crash.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and says "The only reason you aren't already inside is that you have sinned and never confessed. This is your amnesty if you have a confession, now's the time." The first nun was very hesitant but finally stepped forward. "I saw a man's penis once and had impure thoughts." St. Peter replied, "That's okay, just wash your eyes out with holy water, and you may enter." The second nun stepped forward. "I touched a man's penis once." "That's okay, Sister," St. Peter replied. "Just wash your hands with holy water,...

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My friend told me that onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I broke his nose with a coconut....

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A blind guy rang my door bell...

When I opened the door he told me, "You should really cover your windows up," and handed me a business card....

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What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir, we are writing to inform you that you have violated the copyright agreement.....

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I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.' We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, 'Mom, you still...

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Fox News' Shep Smith Slams Trump For Inaccurately Reframing The NFL Protests

Fox News' Shep Smith Slams Trump For Inaccurately Reframing The NFL Protests Over the years, Shep Smith has been one of the few major Fox News anchors willing to buck the GOP, and he did so again on Monday. September 27, 2017 at 04:21AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2y5T6...

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What's the difference between an iPhone X and one ounce of gold?

An ounce of gold will still be worth a grand next year....

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When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."...

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Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a clearly underaged girl

Watson: "Bloody hell, Sherlock! What'd you think you're doing with that girl. She looks like she's in middle school!" Sherlock: "Elementary, my dear Watson."...

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My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door. One day, when speaking to her husband, he said: "I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..." At that moment, I just had a brilliant idea. "Don't sweat it, neighbor! I'm on vacation and painting walls is my favorite hobby! It would be a pleasure to do this task." The guy accepted the offer and was really happy. I don't want to brag about my conversation skills,...

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Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife’s hair.

It's a nice way to tell her i love her. And also that we're outta napkins....

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My hot lesbian neighbours got me a Rolex for my birthday

It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch"...

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My Uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life!"

He did heroin...

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How can you tell if an orange is male or female?

If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male. If it's bitter for no fucking reason, it's a female....

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Flat Earthers

It's funny making a flat earth beliver angry, but if you push them over the edge then you're only proving them right....

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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book

Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps....

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We, men, do have good memory..

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for...

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A gay couple named Neal and Bob are traveling on a plane

"What if we had sex?" asks Neal. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..." "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Neal stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bob. So Neal and Bob have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over...

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Know why geese kill more humans every year than sharks?

Because it's really hard for geese to kill sharks. Seriously though, fuck geese....

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Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died! Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.. Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.....

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I just found my old Nokia and connected it with my power bank.

The power bank is now fully charged again....

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Two little kids are in hospital beds next to each other.

The first kid leans over and asks, What are you in here for? The second kid says, I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.” The first kid says,“You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice-cream. It’s a breeze. Cool, says the second kid.“What are you in here for?“ A circumcision.” Whoa! exclaims the second kid. Good luck, mate. I had that done just after I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year....

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My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick,

Especially since his name is Steve....

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My friend has been a limo driver for 20 years and has never had a customer.

All this time and nothing to Chauffeur it....

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A woman gets up in the morning

wakes up her husband and says: - Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean? The husband answers: - You'll know it on your birthday. The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."...

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The doctor asked me how I'd feel about having an extra chromosome.

I told him I'd be 100% down with that....

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NASA Dedicates Building To Hidden Figures Heroine Katherine Johnson

NASA Dedicates Building To Hidden Figures Heroine Katherine Johnson When NASA's Langley Research Center built its newest, state-of-the-art research facility in Hampton, Virginia it was only right that they named it after Katherine Johnson, the NASA engineer and subject of the book and Oscar-nominated film "Hidden Figures." September 25, 2017 at 08:40AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2hsJE...

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At a funeral

Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?" Widow: "Please do." Me: clears throat "Plethora." Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."...

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My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed:

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN...

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Who would win if the American President debated the British Prime Minister?

After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump...

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A man goes to the store to get some dog food.

He grabs a bag and heads to the the counter. The clerk apologizes, and informs him that he needs to have his dog with him to be able to purchase it. "You mean I have to go all the way back home and get my dirty ass dog in my truck, and bring him all the way back here just to get some dog food?" Again, the clerk apologizes and tells him that's just the policy. So, he goes and gets his dog then purchases the dog food. A few days later, he comes back to get cat food. The clerk informs him they have the same policy for cats. "Dammit, my barn cat hates...

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I found a cure for my wife's insomnia...

All I have to do is express a desire to have sex with her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep....

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I have Abs

olutely wasted my gym membership....

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Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in...

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A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite." "OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well,"...

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What do you call a threesome in an oasis?

A Mirage à trois....

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What do you get if you drop a piano on a child?

A flat minor...

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Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need:

just five more minutes...

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five". The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?" "No" says the boy, "he minded his own fucking business."...

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Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him?

Poetry!...

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Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention....

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A pregnant woman is about to give birth.

The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”. The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”. With that, the baby pops right back inside. “Damn!”, says the doctor. A short while later he sees the head push through again. “Are you my dad?”, asks the baby. “No, I am your doctor.”, he replies. Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother’s womb. The doctor turns to a nurse and says, “Nurse, get that baby’s...

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One day, Einstein has to go to an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as...

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I asked a prostitute

"How Much For A Hand Job?" Lady: "50..Do You Want One Honey?" I: "No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self"...

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Here's Who Is Taking A Knee Today In Solidarity With NFL Protestors

Here's Who Is Taking A Knee Today In Solidarity With NFL Protestors More NFL players, owners and celebrities are taking part in the protest against racial injustice led by Colin Kaepernick after a series of inflammatory Trump tweets over the weekend. September 25, 2017 at 03:22AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2wLVp...

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The iPhone X removes the home button.

Meaning you'll be homeless on several different levels....

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I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine...

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I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world....

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A homeless man enters a diner

He asks the waitress “What can a guy get for a dime?” “Not much, how about a glass of water?” says the waitress. “Sure, that will do.” The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water. He notices a cowboy sitting a couple seats down the counter with a big bowl of chili. The homeless man continues to drink his water. All the while the bowl remains uneaten. Finally the homeless man asks the cowboy. “Are you going to eat that chili?” “Nope, it’s yours if you want it” says the cowboy. The homeless man takes the bowl and begins eating....

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I witnessed the break up of an obese couple

I guess they didn't work out....

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If they say girls like guys who can make them laugh,

Then I shouldn't be single because my life is a fucking joke....

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What is Donald Trumps favourite type of clothing

Russian Ties...

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A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master...

A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says: "Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me Master!" His master gives him an anecdote. "Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs while the sun sets, with no apparent purpose to them?" "Yes Master" "And have you seen the moon reflect upon the still surface of the lake, a mere reflection, and contemplate the meaning of it?" "Yes Master" "And have you seen the flocks of birds flying across the sky at sunset,...

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An Italian funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file. The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this...

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I farted in an Apple store today and everyone yelled at me.

It's not my fault they don't have Windows....

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I went to a pub last night

and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs" The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so" I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now"...

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If Donald Trump wants to destroy North Korea...

Perhaps he should move there and become their leader....

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A farmer counted 196 cows in the field

But when he rounded them up, he had 200...

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I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed....

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First-timer at the nudist colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.... On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?' The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?' She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him...

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Don't Buy The Idea Teens Are Having Less Sex Until You Take A Closer Look At The Data

Don't Buy The Idea Teens Are Having Less Sex Until You Take A Closer Look At The Data Think of it this way: when in the history of teens have they had less sex? September 23, 2017 at 09:30PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2xpnM...

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I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing things at his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there...

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A young woman ...

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you're alive" With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and...

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I beat my wife and she immediately divorced me.

Some people take Monopoly way too seriously....

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The husband and the wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant

A few minutes later, the dinner was served. Husband: The food looks great. Let's eat. Wife: But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home. Husband: That's at home, sweetie. I'm sure the chef here knows how to cook....

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I failed my final exam on Greek mythology.

It's always been my Achilles elbow...

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The volume of a pizza with thickness a and radius z is

pi * z * z * a...

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A doctor was having an affair with his nurse

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you...

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A 70 year old man went for a sperm test

The Doctor gave him a bottle to collect sperm. The next day, the man came with the empty bottle and said he tried with his left hand then right hand. Then his wife tried with her left hand and right hand. Then his daughter-in-law tried with both hands & mouth. Then the neighbor's wife & daughter tried the same way..but could not open the damn bottle....

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If a blind girl ever tells you that

You have a big penis, she's probably just pulling your leg...

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What is SEX?

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"...

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Bad Math Grade

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today." His father replies, "What happened?" The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said 6.'" The father replies, "Well, that's correct." The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'" The father then replies, "What the fuck is the difference?" The boys says, "That's what I said!"...

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"God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation. One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This...

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Two men are sitting in the cinema waiting for the movie to start

so they get bored with all the commercials and suddenly one of the two notices a bald guy in the middle of the front row. So he tells his friend '' 5 bucks if i go smash his head ? ''. The other guy curious about the outcome likes the idea so he agrees. The man stands up goes down the stairs smashes the bald guy on the head and says to him '' Hey Mike , long time no see man '' . The bald guy clearly surprised responds ''I believe you made a mistake sir'' so the guy replies '' I'm so so sorry sir '' and walks away. The two friends laugh and the...

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Husband: "I'm getting you diamonds for our anniversary" - Wife: "Nothing would please me more"

Husband: Gets her nothing instead...

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I bought my friend an elephant for their room

They said "Thank you" I said "Don't mention it"...

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A Cop Pulled me over,came up to window and said papers

I said "scissors, I win" and drove off... that fucker must really need a rematch because he's been chasing me for the last 20 minutes...

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Wives are like grenades.

Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone....

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A single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. That means an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB

That's a lot of information to swallow...

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The 100 Hardest Video-Game Bosses, Ranked

The 100 Hardest Video-Game Bosses, Ranked From gods and zombies to a ship and a song, the one trait they share is an ability to end your game swiftly. September 23, 2017 at 12:16AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2howY...

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My 75 y/o Scottish grandpa told me this at a family lunch.

A farmer walks into the bar and sits down beside me looking extremely agitated. "What's goin' on with ya Pete?" "Ah jesus, Brian. So I got up early and was milking my biggest cow in her stall. I had a pail just about full when she kicked her right leg and spilled the entire thing." "Aw Christ, Pete. I'm sorry about that." "So, pissed off, I found a length of rope and tied her right leg to her stall so she wouldn't kick again and went back to milking her. I had this second pail just over half full when CRASH her left leg jolts and knocks it all...

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First rule of Vegan club:

You tell everyone about Vegan club....

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News just in:

Someone has been killed with a starter pistol !!! Police think it might be race related.................

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An idiot has a mirror in his closet

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops "Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!" A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can "Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"...

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I thought about attending an orgy

But if I wanted to disappoint many people at once, I could just repost this joke on Reddit......

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Girlfriend said that she slept with 61 men before.

I doubt it, but she insisted that I was her sixty-second man....

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Son: "Dad, Am I adopted"?

Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."...

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My wife asked if I thought she should get a breast augmentation. I said I love her body just the way it is. She asked if I ever wished she had been born with big tits.

I said nah, babies with big tits freak me out....

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I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'....

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A guy and a girl go on a date and things get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place...

Some flirting and fooling around later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. Watching all this the girl says, ”You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, replies, “Why yes actually. How did you figure that out?" "Easy," she says, "you keep washing your hands." One thing leads to another and they make love. After it's over the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with an inflated ego, "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?" To which...

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What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

They are both meat substitutes....

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My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24

What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party....

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I named my kid Bob Ross

He was a happy little accident....

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Trump has two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'.

In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left....

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So I met a girl in the bar last night

She said "I haven't had a cock for nearly 2 weeks now" So I took her back to my place and we started fooling around. We got undressed and that's when I noticed the scars from the operation....

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Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."...

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Nestlé Makes Billions Bottling Water It Pays Nearly Nothing For

Nestlé Makes Billions Bottling Water It Pays Nearly Nothing For The company's operation in Michigan reveals how it's dominated the industry by going into economically depressed areas with lax water laws. September 21, 2017 at 10:27PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2wBjN...

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Three nuns die and go to heaven.

They arrive at the gates of heaven where they meet St. Peter who says "you must each answer one question about religion to enter heaven." St. Peter calls the first nun and asks "who was the first man on Earth?" "Adam" she replies. So birds are chirping angels are singing the gates open and she gets into heaven. St. Peter asks the second nun "who was the first woman on Earth?" "Eve" she replies. So birds are chirping angels are singing the gates open and she gets into heaven. St. Peter asks the third nun "what is the first thing Eve said to Adam?"...

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A Wife Gets Naked.....

and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?' Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'...

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A chess joke: What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have sex with kids....

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Don't laugh!

A nurse got a new job at a new hospital. Her boss thought that she knew everything about the job, except for ONE THING: "Never laugh at a patient, no matter what." "Of course I won't laugh," the nurse said. "I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." Three days later, the hospital received a new patient that the nurse was in charge of. "I have a problem with my sexual organs," the man said. "Okay, just drop your trousers for me," the nurse responded. "Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers,...

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So they just announced the title to the tenth fast and furious movie..

Fast10: Your Seatbelts....

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What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits....

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I was breastfed until 3

But enough about my day, how was yours?...

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If apple released iphone 8 and 10 this year

Would it release nine eleven next year...

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What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk?

Cacao...

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[NSFW] How much does your wiener weigh?

Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?" Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 3 ounces" Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?" Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 15 ounces?" Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather. Little Joe: "Granddad, how much does your wiener weigh?" Granddad: "I don't know, but it must be a lot, because your grandmother can't get it up"...

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I tell dad jokes, but I have no kids

I'm a faux pa....

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I bought a trash compactor for my ex-wife

Or, as Victoria Secret calls it - a corset...

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Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan.

Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback....

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I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car.

When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried, especially me, because the car was from the electricity company. They were there to cut off the electricity. My dad beat the crap out of me again....

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The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision

I can just see it now....

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"There's no 'I' in team"

"But there's a whole lot of 'U' in shut the fuck up"...

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So there's this guy...

So there's this guy, and he's got an ant farm, but not like a normal ant farm, it's like a regular farm that's run by ants, and one day the ant in charge of the farmer ants says to the guy 'hey guy, we're workin our thoraxes off tryin to harvest these crops but it's real tough, boss. See they're all the way up in the trees and we're super small, i think we need some bigger ants to help us get the job done.' So the guy's like 'shit i guess i did notice that production's been pretty minimal, i guess i could try to get you some bigger ants. Aren't...

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Jeff Bridges Will Always Be 'The Dude'—And That’s Cool With Him

Jeff Bridges Will Always Be 'The Dude'—And That’s Cool With Him Jeff Bridges will always be known as The Dude, and at age 67, he's okay with it. More than okay with it, even. September 20, 2017 at 10:36PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2hhgE...

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Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Obviously not....

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So this guy at college keeps calling me a flamingo

one of these days I'm going to put my foot down....

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How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music?

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to....

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My girlfriend told me I'm bad in bed

I told her she should learn to enjoy the little things in life...

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A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"...

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I got fired from my job at the library...

Apparently the book on women’s rights doesn’t belong in the fiction section....

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I was forced to swallow purple food color.

I feel violated....

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Deaf sex

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my...

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What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed....

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I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm....

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Screw that clown from IT.

Always joking around when he should be fixing my computer....

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Software Has a Serious Supply-Chain Security Problem

Software Has a Serious Supply-Chain Security Problem Three times in the last three months, hackers have exploited the digital supply chain to plant tainted code that hides in software companies' own systems of installation and updates, hijacking those trusted channels to stealthily spread their malicious code. September 19, 2017 at 07:59AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2wr2F...

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I tried to change my password to Beefstew1

But they said it wasn't stroganoff...

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Talk Like A Pirate Day

How the fuck am I supposed to learn Somali?...

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"I'm going to punch your house until you come out and talk to me!"

~ Guy who invented 'knocking'....

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What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present....

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A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"

The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her fucking husband!"...

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I never knew how technologically advanced Moses was...

But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud....

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I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?...

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How does an Indian girl tell her family she will be wearing a Western dress to her wedding?

"Sorry, not Sari."...

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Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes is inspecting a bed. He says to Watson, "this bed is missing something." Watson replies "no sheet sherlock."...

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Why is the area between a woman's chest and hips called a waist?

...because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there....

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A girls walks into an Adult Store. "Hi I want to buy that Red Dildo right there"

Cashier: that's a Fire Extinguisher you whore"...

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A young Jewish girl asks her father for $50...

"$40!!! What the hell do you need $30 for?!?"...

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I gently slid her panties to the side...

....so I could fit her socks into the drawer...

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Why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell someone he was a vegan....

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How do you confuse an Apple user?

Give them options....

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"Orion's Belt is a big waist of space "

Terrible jokes. Only 3 stars...

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This is the third time my friends have agreed to attend a Whitesnake concert and haven't turned up

Here I go again on my own....

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Man Who Saved the World From Nuclear Armageddon in 1983 Dies at 77

Man Who Saved the World From Nuclear Armageddon in 1983 Dies at 77 On September 26, 1983, Soviet military officer Stanislav Petrov received a message that five nuclear missiles had been launched by the United States and were heading to Moscow. He didn't launch a retaliatory strike, believing correctly that it was a false alarm. September 18, 2017 at 07:39PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2xf6v...

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Noah lets all the animals off the ark and tells them, "Go forth, and multiply."

Noah lets all the animals off the ark and tells them, "Go forth, and multiply." A year later, he goes around to all the animals to see how they're doing. The horses have foals, the wolves have pups, the lions have cubs...everything looks good. But then he gets to a couple of snakes, and they have no eggs, no hatchlings, nothing. Noah is confused, and the snakes admit that they've had some trouble. "Is there anything I can do to help?" he asks. The snakes look at each other, and then turn back to Noah. "If you could cut down that tree over there,"...

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I don't always beat my girlfriend, but when I do...

it's to the door to open it for her....

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I have 3 eyes, 6 heads and 15 limbs, what am I?

A liar....

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Someone asked me how dark my humour is

Dark enough to get six warning shots in the back...

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I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"...

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A man died due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to a boiling kettle

He had serious selfie steam issues....

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Did you hear about the nun who procrastinated doing her laundry?

She had a filthy habit...

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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work....

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I met two guys wearing matching clothing, so I asked them if they were gay.

They promptly arrested me....

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How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it....

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I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated buttplug

But it looks like apple beat me to it. Turns out they are already making overpriced toys for assholes...

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A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear

Ahh Migraines!...

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A mathematician couldn't remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2.

But he knew it was <3....

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Who is the greatest?

A BOOB, a VAGINA and an ASSHOLE are debating as to who is the greatest of them all BOOB: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest VAGINA: that's nothing. I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak!...

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Trump Shares Doctored Image of His Golf Ball Hitting Hillary Clinton

Trump Shares Doctored Image of His Golf Ball Hitting Hillary Clinton In a series of eclectic Twitter posts, President Trump also appeared to refer to Kim Jong-Un, North Korea’s leader, as Rocket Man. September 18, 2017 at 02:16AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2hb8G...

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A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100m finals

I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?" "No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."...

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A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle."

His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing." The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."...

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What does the L stand for in Samuel L Jackson?

Motherfucker....

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A lot of my friends tell me I'd look good in a straitjacket

But I don't think I could pull if off...

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A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says,

"Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"...

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A dad is washing the car with his son.

After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"...

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To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches....

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I bought a Ouija board recently from a strange old man...

I got it home, laid out the pieces and before I could even ask it a question the planchette started to move around, it eventually spelt I'VE GOT A MESSAGE TO YOU 'What is your message?' I asked. YOU SHOULD BE DANCING Fear started flushing over me, 'Why should I be dancing?' NIGHT FEVER I started to become more confused then frightened now, I needed to get to the bottom of this. 'You're talking gibberish' I shouted! JIVE TALKIN. HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE. STAYING ALIVE... 'God damn it!' I shouted. That old bastard sold me a Bee Gee board!...

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Why do you always see teen girls in groups of three?

Because they literally can't even....

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God said “Adam, I want you to do something for me"

Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do ?”  God said, “Go down into that valley”  Adam said, “What’s a valley ?”  God explained it to him.  Then God said “Cross the River." Adam said, “What’s a river ?"  God explained that to him, and then said,  “Go over to the hill …”  Adam said, “What is a hill ?”  So, God explained to Adam what a hill was He told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you...

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This girl said she would go out with me if I knew a six letter word that's a synonym for "calm".

I said, "It's sedate."...

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A kid was doing horribly in math class..

He always brought home an F or C- on his report card. His parents decided to put him in a private catholic school to help him improve. All of a sudden his grades improved drastically. He had an A+ on every report card for Math. His parents finally asked, "Son, what changed? How did you improve so much in your Math class?" He responded, "Well, when I walked in to class on the first day I saw a picture of a man nailed to a plus sign, so I knew they meant business."...

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There's an Army guy and an Air Force guy.

There's an Air Force guy driving from Wagga to Richmond, and an Army guy driving from Richmond to Wagga. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,"Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Army guy walks...

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My wife is like gravity

Always there, and constantly bringing me down...

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I Will Never Forget My Son's First Words

Where the fuck have you been for 16 years?...

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Prehistoric math joke

In a certain tribe, in which polygamy was practiced, a married man’s standing in the tribe depended upon the combined weight of his wives-the greater the combined weight, the more important was the man. Every year, on weighing day and according to custom, the married men would stand their wives on neatly spread animal skins, and the chief of the tribe would come around with a crude seesaw and balance the wives of one man against those of another in order to determine the relative importance of the men. Now Gog had only one wife, who was very heavy,...

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I get so angry when I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt.

I just can’t take it....

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Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Classical conditioning....

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I saw a post on Craigslist that said: Radio for sale, $1. Volume knob stuck on full.

I thought to myself, I can't turn that down!...

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Alienation Is Killing Americans and Japanese

Alienation Is Killing Americans and Japanese Almost a quarter of Japanese men and a tenth of Japanese women over age 60 say there is not a single person they could rely on in difficult times. The American crisis may not be so dissimilar from the Japanese one. September 16, 2017 at 10:15PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2jxPE...

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I bet Ted Cruz has two twitter accounts now. one for porn, and one to talk about the laws he's passing...

Either way a woman's getting fucked...

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Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors, it'd be a Chicken Sedan.....

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What can you say about your car, but not your girlfriend?

She died last week, but I still use some of the parts...

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I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died...

Which was lucky, because he stepped on a Landmine....

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Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler

So the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"...

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Two Scientists walk into a Bar

One says "I'll have some H20." The other says "I'll have some H20, too." The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical functional of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context....

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What do you call a communist sniper?

a marxman...

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A man is late for work, and desperately tries to find a parking space...

His boss has already told him before that if he is late one more time, he'll be fired on the spot. The man is circling around the parking lot, but still all the spaces are completely full. Suddenly, the man stops his car, puts his hands together and looks towards the sky. "Dear Almighty God!" he says, "Please let a space be free! I need this job! I promise if you give me a space, I'll quit smoking, quit drinking and only have sex again once I am married. Please God, help me out..." Then, when the man looks down, he sees it. A free space, just...

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A guy is working at a grocery store...

A guy is working at a grocery store and a lady comes up to him and asks: "Hello young man, can you tell me where the brocolli is?" "Oh I'm sorry madam, we ran out of brocolli, we will have some tomorrow." "Oh okay," says the lady and the guy goes back to his work. Then somebody taps him on his shoulder, he turns around and there's the same lady and she goes: "Sir, i can't find any brocolli." "We are fresh out of brocolli ma'am, we will have some tomorrow." and he goes back to work. And then the woman comes right in front of him and says very loudly:...

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Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice....

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Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: He-he, sure baby. Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister....

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Vegans think butchers are gross

But people who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer...

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What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I'm a cashew...

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My mum didn't think I’d give our daughter a silly name...

... but I called her Bluff....

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You've gotta hand it to short people

Otherwise they can't reach it...

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Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."...

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The Making and Unmaking of Iggy Azalea

The Making and Unmaking of Iggy Azalea Iggy became a punchline and went from being hailed as a white rap savior — a potential salve in the lineage of bad white rappers — to, three years later, being a digital-era Vanilla Ice, reduced to a viral talking point. September 16, 2017 at 12:12AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2x3Th...

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Hand Jobs $20 (nsfw)

A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads Grilled Cheese - $3 Ham and Cheese $5 Roast Beef - $6 Hand jobs -$20 A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?" "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" He asks. "Yes I am!." She replies with a wink. "Well wash your fucking hands, I'll have a Grilled Cheese sandwich."...

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How do you milk sheep?

With iPhones....

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4 million of these people enter our country every year

They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!! Man, I hate babies....

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How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"...

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I once spent a month in prison.

I once spent a month in the slammer. It wasn't that bad. The guards were friendly. My cell-mate was a cool guy. The food was better than my wife's. I didn't see any fights. I wasn't assaulted or raped. On my last day a guard walked me out to the exit gate. We chatted about football on the way. As the gate opened he said to me, "Goodbye and good luck. How do you feel?" "I feel good, man," I replied. "I'm happy to finally be out." Then he smacked me hard across the skull with his baton, drawing blood. I was like, "What the hell, dude?" "That's for...

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I told my Dad he should embrace his mistakes.

He gave me a hug....

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What's the worst thing about accidentally locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go in and ask for a coat hanger....

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I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken.

Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered - the chicken....

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My girlfriend thinks I'm cheating on her, and I'm getting tired of it.

She sounds just like my wife...

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iPhone vs Samsung

iPhone user: The new iPhone is coming out Samsung user: What's new? iPhone user: We're getting facial recognition Samsung user: Had that 4 year's ago next iPhone user: We're getting wireless charging Samsung user: Had that 2 year's ago next iPhone user: We're getting water resistance Samsung user: Had that 3 year's ago next iPhone user: Nothing is better that an iPhone Samsung user: Your screen is from Samsung you know, it's our technology iPhone user: What am i paying for then? Samsung user: A galaxy s6...

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I once swallowed two pieces of string and an hour later they came out of my ass tied together.

I shit you knot....

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I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day...

It's a vicious cycle....

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I went for a job interview at EA Games today.

The interviewer said to me, “The second part of your resume is missing.” I said, “For the second part, you have to pay $20.”...

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A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked. The assailant says "Give me all your money".

The politician says "Do you know who I am? I'm an important government official". The mugger says "Fine, give me all my money"...

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My favorite sex position is the WOW

That's when I flip your MOM over....

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I started calling my toilet the "Jim"...

instead of the John. It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning....

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The race against heat

The race against heat How do you cool 7.5 billion people on a warming planet? September 14, 2017 at 10:32PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2f83t...

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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy". At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll...

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The other day I went to a Paraplegic Strip Club

That place was crawling with pussy....

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I was sitting in a bar one day

and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.  So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”  One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”  So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”  That’s about as far as I remember....

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I just flew in from Chernobyl

And boy are my arms legs...

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around...

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My wife said I'm lazy...

I almost told her how wrong she is....

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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Cutting your toe off with an axe...

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I hate when you're over someone's house and they start asking you stupid questions.

Like "who are you" and "is that a gun?"...

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The Promotion

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary. "Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with". "That's fair enough" I replied "When can you start?"...

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"Indecisive" is my favourite word.

Actually, no it isn't....

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I just found out I'm being followed!

My girlfriend told me she's been seeing people behind my back....

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I told myself I need to stop drinking so much

...But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo that talks to himself...

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“Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub.

So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth one.”...

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Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?

He was afraid the ring would give him away....

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My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.

As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"...

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A police officer stopped my mom's car.

Officer: First name? Mom: Frida Officer: Last name? Mom: Gomam Officer: So you're Frida Gomam? And my mom hit the accelerator....

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I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid,

but my mom told me the sky is the limit....

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Wife: You're shirtless?

Me: Yes Wife: And also covered in.. oil? Me: Well, you know how you always say I never glisten? Wife: Listen! you never listen. Me: Ohhh...

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Have you ever played quiet tennis?

It's like regular tennis but without the racket....

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Spanish Dad Joke

Dad: Son what are you drinking? Son: Soy Milk Dad: Hola Milk, me llamo Dad...

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A Hilariously On-The-Nose Parody Of The iPhone X Release

A Hilariously On-The-Nose Parody Of The iPhone X Release The iPhone X is finally here and it looks fine? Also, that will be $1,000. September 13, 2017 at 09:15PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2vU7K...

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How do you start a racist joke?

A small loan of a million dollars...

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An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever.

His friend says, “Wow! That’s the best thing since bread.” The inventor says, “Well, I’m about to blow your mind.”...

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My wife is so ugly...

she walked past the walrus enclosure at Sea World, and her iPhone X unlocked itself....

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A child with an imaginary friend is normal

An adult with an imaginary friend is strange, And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion....

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The Mob was looking for a new man

The Mob was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job–if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $100,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mob soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends their toughest enforcer to “deal with da situation”. Well,...

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A man walked out to the street

and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian" Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and...

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A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest "There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!" The priest shakes his head "Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says "Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."...

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I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out....

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How do you cut Rome in Half?

Use a pair of Caesars...

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My Girlfriend left a note on the refrigerator that said "This isn't working. Goodbye."

I opened the refrigerator and it was working fine wtf...

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Why should you never marry a tennis player?

Because to tennis players, love means nothing....

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We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish....

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Just The Good Stuff From Tuesday's iPhone Event

Just The Good Stuff From Tuesday's iPhone Event A new Apple Watch, Apple TV in 4K, iPhone 8 and iPhone X — here's everything that happened at Tuesday's Apple press event. September 13, 2017 at 06:50AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2jj1B...

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A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.

His condition is now stable....

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What's the best pick up line at a gay bar?

"May I push your stool in."...

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Genders are like the Twin Towers

There used to be two of them and now it's a really sensitive subject. Edit: I hope September 12 was an appropriate time for this....

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A C-130 is being escorted by two F-16s.

Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls. "That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular tricks. The two F-16s continue showing off. When they finally fall back into place the C-130 pilot comes on the mike. "I bet I can do something you can't" he says. "Yeah, right, prove it" says one of the F-16 pilots. "Watch this," says the C-130 pilot and...

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The Man the Presidency Changed

The Man the Presidency Changed Chester Alan Arthur was a wealthy New Yorker, disparaged by big-city intellectuals as unqualified, unfit and corrupt. Fellow Republicans were shocked when he landed on the threshold of the highest office in the land. And Trump might be able to learn a thing or two from the 21st president. September 12, 2017 at 08:26AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2vQfG...

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Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates....

.....St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer." The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?" The first guy says, "24 years." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven." Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's...

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I was at a disco last night

They played the twist. I did the twist. They played jump. So I jumped. They played come on eileen. I got kicked out....

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I tried asking a Ouija Board for the name of my future wife.

The planchette kept moving from H to A and back. What kind of name is Hahaha?...

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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom...

... First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch,...

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You can't spell Advertisements...

...without semen between the Tits....

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A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved.

"What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones. That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do...

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A lady calls her butler into her room and says, "Jeeves, take off my dress"

He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress. Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear". Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment. She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra". Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra. Then she says, "Now out of my sight! If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"...

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A dumb guy visits a hunting club and asks a hunter how he killed his first buck.

The hunter says he got his gun, went into the woods, followed the tracks, and shot the buck. The dumb guy, satisfied with the answer, soon leaves. The following day the dumb guy returns to the hunter and asks how he shot his first rabbit. The hunter says he got his gun, went into the woods, followed the tracks, and shot the rabbit. The dumb guy leaves the hunting club. The following day the dumb guy returns to the hunter and, still curious, asks how he shot his first bear. The hunter says he got his gun, went into the woods, followed the tracks,...

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My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her.

I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”...

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How do you get an apple pregnant?

You cum in cider....

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A young boy deposit 100$ everyday in the bank...

One day the general manager noticed the young boy and asked the clerk about him. He then told him that the young boy comes everyday and deposit exactly 100$ each time. So the manager told the clerk to send him the lil boy the next time he comes to the bank. The next day the boy comes in and he's sent to meet the manager. The manager : so tell me , how do you get 100$ a day ? The boy : well, everyday i have a bet with a different guy. The manager : about what ? The boy : about the fact that i can kiss my right eye ! Then the manager replies : haha...

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A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?" The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."...

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In the beginning, there was nothing...

Then God says "let there be light". Now there was still nothing, but at least you can see it....

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How long is a Chinese name

No really it is...

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My wife was wondering why she was so itchy

I asked why she pronounced it with a silent "B"...

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Dad joke level grandpa: Why are the first 25 letters of the alphabet fascist?

Because they're not-z's....

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Farewell to the Greatest Space Mission of Our Time

Farewell to the Greatest Space Mission of Our Time The Cassini spacecraft spent 13 years orbiting Saturn. It revealed the planet and its rings in striking detail, found liquid around every corner, and invigorated the idea that alien life not only exists, but could be right on our doorstep. September 11, 2017 at 09:16PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2xZWQ...

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I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.

But she figured out I was only after my money....

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On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.

On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane....

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A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk. "Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"...

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There was a king ready to abdicate.

So he brought in his 3 sons. He tells them, "Each of you will receive a trial, the first to complete their trial will become king." Beginning with his eldest son, a brave and foolhardy man of great stature he says, "You are to bring me your grandmother's emerald ring, lost decades ago in the wreck of the Windbreaker, from the bottom of the stormy North Sea." "Right away, Father." said the eldest son, departing at once, determined to become king. Then to his middle son, Nimble and Self-righteous, "You are to retrieve your great grandfather's shield,...

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My girlfriend accidentally discovered a way to get long lashes instantly

By showing a bit of ankles in Saudi Arabia...

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A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?"

The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."...

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So I broke my waterproof speaker, by throwing it into a pool.

I filed a request for a new speaker, but the company responded "it's not our fault the pool was empty"....

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Accidentally sent someone flowers over the internet

Whoops e-daisies...

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Science built skyscrapers and airplanes

But only religion can bring the two together....

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Why doesn't Jesus trust mankind?

Because he's afraid they'll double-cross him...

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Dating women is like squaring numbers

If they're under 15, just do them in your head....

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My Grandma Has Been Walking 5 Miles a Day Since She Was 57. She's 92 Now...

And we have no idea where the fuck she is....

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I searched google for "how to start a large fire"

52,000 matches...

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What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves...

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Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says...

Bear with me......

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What clown has killed more children than "It"?

Ronald McDonald....

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A tired american soldier is on a train to london

The train was packed. He went searching for a seat as he came by a middle aged woman and her dog. He asked her "may I please have that seat", the woman replied "you Americans are so rude, cant you see my little Fifi is sitting here". The soldier walks the length of the train and back to cross the woman and her dog again. He asks again "may I please have that seat". The woman replies again "not only are you Americans ruda but also arrogant". The man picked up the dog and threw him out the train window. The woman screamed and yelped for help and...

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Teacher: tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"

Teacher: tell me a sentence that starts with an "I" Student: I is the... Teacher: stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: okay! I am the ninth letter of the alphabet....

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Fox News Anchor

Fox News Anchor Granted, Irma certainly won't leave Florida unscathed, but this interviewee wasn't about to give a punchy cable news soundbite. He's been doing his research. September 11, 2017 at 01:40AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2xdOy...

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What My Girlfriend Thought, First four Dates:

Nice shirt. Wow. A second nice shirt. OK, first shirt again. He has two shirts ...

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Why did Donald Trump marry an immigrant?

Once again, immigrants are doing the jobs no American want to do....

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How did Rhianna find out that Chris Brown was cheating?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles....

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My girlfriend says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right.

So I packed her bags and left....

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A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”...

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My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus.

It was terrible....

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Why do Jews get Circumcised?

Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off...

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Dunno what this WiFi dude did

But I've seen a ton of bars and restaurants demanding his freedom lately...

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