Tickets are non-refundable.
Thứ Ba, 31 tháng 10, 2017
A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a girl on his back.
"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked. "I'm a snail." The bloke replied. "What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?" "That's not a any girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".
A 7 yr old and a 4 yr old are in their bedroom...
The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing" The brother nods in agreement. "When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old. The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast. "I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!" The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair. The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 4 yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be fucking cocoa puffs!"
Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.
What's the difference Between USA and USB?
One connects to all your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware Standard.
Woman Catches World Series Home Run, Guy Grabs It And Throws It Back
Woman Catches World Series Home Run, Guy Grabs It And Throws It Back
Baseball's unwritten rules strike again.
October 30, 2017 at 08:57PM
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A Demogorgon, a Dungeon Master and a Sherriff walk in to a bar.
My friend shouts "Wow! I've never seen anything like this. Isn't this amazing?!"
I replied "Nah, I've seen Stranger Things."
So this dude rubs a lamp and a genie pops out
The genie tells the man he will grant him a wish for setting him free. The man says "Ya know Gene, I love riding motorcycles. Love it more than life itself. I would love to travel across the entire world on my motorcycle, but I'm terrified of boats. Can you make a massive highway, that connects the whole world together, so I can ride everywhere?" The genie explains that while he is magic, he doesn't possess the power to grand him a wish of that magnitude, and asked the man to pick another wish. The man says "well, my other passion is reading jokes on reddit, but the jokes on r/jokes all seem to be reposts, can you get some new material on there?" The genie asks "Was that a two lane, or four lane highway?"
Dad didn't like what I got him for Christmas.
"You cunt!" he snapped. "You always buy me socks!"
"Chill out," I replied. "It's the thought that counts."
I could tell by the look in his eyes that he would have kicked me in the head right then, if he had legs.
An Army officer, a Naval officer, and a Ranger are captured...
By a strange tribe, deep in the jungle. The people of the tribe confer briefly, and then the chief walks up to the Army officer. "We've decided to kill you," he began, "and make a canoe out of your skin. However, in deference to your rank, we have decided to allow you to choose the manner in which you die."
The officer nods, and replies "If you'll just bring me my sidearm, and a single round, I'll take care of it for you." They do as he asks, and he shoots himself in the head.
Next, the chief speaks to the Naval officer. He gives him the same spiel. The officer explains that they were always a bit gun shy, but if the chief would provide some poison, he'd happily take it. The chief provides some poison, and the Naval officer offs himself.
Finally, the chief visits the Ranger. He explains the situation. The Ranger thinks for a few seconds, and replies "A fork."
"Excuse me?" Says the chief.
"Bring me a fork." The Ranger says
Perplexed, the chief brought him a fork. Without a moment's hesitation, the Ranger starts stabbing with the fork. All up and down his arms, on his legs, his torso, just stabbing like a madman.
"What are you doing??!" The chief asked "That has got to be the most painful way to die!"
The Ranger looked up, with a glint in his eye, and shouts "FUCK YOUR CANOE!"
Five friends were so confident that the weekend before finals,
they decided to go for a picnic and party with some friends up there.
They had a great time.
However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to College until early
Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to an Old age home in the nearest town to spend some time with aged people for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time.
As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points.
It was the easiest question in their entire syllabus.
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room.
"This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
A child psychologist had twin boys
one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.
That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.
“What’s wrong?” the father asked.
“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.
Passing the optimist’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of droppings. “Why are you so happy?” he asked.
The optimist shouted, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
Thứ Hai, 30 tháng 10, 2017
A soldier ran up to a nun...
.. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed...
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a greater pair of balls also…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
Maria the maid asked for a 20% pay increase.
The wife in the household was not eager about this and asked:
'Now Maria, why should you get a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I should get an increase.. The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'
MARIA GOT THE RAISE
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 Years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, He finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and Ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman In years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, DON'T RESIST, DON'T COMPLAIN...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, Honey. I love you!
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom...
You be strong Honey. And I love you, too"!
This Halloween I decided to go as a harp. As I walked into the party, a gentleman asked, "what are you supposed to be?"
"A harp", I replied. "No, no. You're much too small to be a harp" he protested. So I asked, "are you calling me a lyre?"
Puerto Rico’s utility cancels controversial $300 million contract with Montana firm hired to repair electrical grid
Puerto Rico’s utility cancels controversial $300 million contract with Montana firm hired to repair electrical grid
Gov. Ricardo Rosselló said the contract has become a distraction in getting help for hurricane-stricken island.
October 30, 2017 at 03:30AM
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A virgin from a traditional family tells her grandmother she's going on her first date.
The grandmother says,
"Sit here and let me tell you about these young boys.
He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try to feel your breasts. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. Don't let him do that; it will disgrace our family."
Keeping this advice in mind, the virgin goes on her date and afterwards can hardly wait to tell her grandmother about it.
"It went just like you said!" she says. "But I didn't let him disgrace our family. When he tried that, I got on top of him and disgraced his family."
A conversation with a genie
Genie: What is your first wish?
Steve: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted. Second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.
Chủ Nhật, 29 tháng 10, 2017
A group of men end up stranded on an island full of cannibals...
They are taken up by the cannibals and say that they will give them certain tasks each day and if they do not complete the tasks, they will be killed and eaten.
The first day, the cannibals instruct the men to gather 10 of a fruit of their choice and afterwards they will give them further instructions from there.
The first man comes back with ten apples. The leader of the cannibals tell him to stick it up his butt without making noises or facial expressions. The man doesn't get through the first fruit without making a scream. He is then killed and eaten.
The next man comes forth with grapes. He is told the same thing. He gets through almost all of them when he starts laughing. He is then killed and eaten.
In the afterlife, the first man asks the second man why he started laughing. The second guy responds "I couldn't help it, the. Next guy came along with pineapples!"
In a mental hospital, a doctor visited 3 of his patients
he saw patient 1 reading a book and says "Wow, you're improving" patient 1 says, "I'm just reading a book" then, he saw patient 2 writing and says "Wow, you're improving too" patient 2 says, "I'm just writing a poem"
But then, he saw patient 3 sitting on the table the doctor exclaimed "what are you doing?!" patient 3 says, "No Doc, I am lamp" when the doctor dragged patient 3 down the table, he heard patients 1 and 2 shouting:
""WHO THE FUCK TURNED OFF THE LIGHT!""
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
A man sits next to Albert Einstein on a flight
Einstein says to the man, "This will be a long flight, so let's play a game. I will ask you a question and if you cannot answer it you will give me $5. But if you ask me a question that I cannot answer, I will give you $500."
Thinking $100 to $1 is a good deal, the man says "Ok, you go first."
Einstein asks, "How far is the moon from the Earth?"
The man has no idea how far the moon is from the Earth and says, "I do not know the answer, so here is $5," and hands Einstein $5.
"Now it is your turn," Einstein says.
"What goes up the mountain with 3 legs and down the mountain with 4 legs?" asked the man.
Einstein thinks and thinks, but cannot seem to find the answer. Eventually he gives up and says, "I cannot think of the answer, so here is $500" and hands the man $500. "But before I ask my next question, what does go up the mountain with 3 legs and down with 4 legs?"
The man hands Einstein $5.
A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, "The usual?"
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad", says the guy.
"Me too," says the ostrich.
The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the guy, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the guy.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The guy sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
There’s precedent for Amazon competing with so many companies. It doesn’t end well.
There’s precedent for Amazon competing with so many companies. It doesn’t end well.
Perhaps no other company in history has sold so many different products (354 million) while competing against so many other companies (hundreds). In the past, that power hasn't lasted. Amazon is betting it will be different.
October 29, 2017 at 01:03AM
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777
Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam...
His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.
And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...
And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.
And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.
Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.
The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.
The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.
The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."
A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway
The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat. The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?" The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead. The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!" One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!" The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle. "What's the matter?" the cop asks. She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190.
A man has lost his wife in a supermarket...
And while looking for her, he sees a stunning brunette. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
“You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Curious Little Johnny
asks his Grandpa, "Do you still have sex with Grandma?"
"Yes son, but only oral sex."
"What is that?"
"I say fuck you, she says fuck you too."
Thứ Bảy, 28 tháng 10, 2017
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day
And asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”
What do you call a mouse on 2 legs
Friend "i dont know" Me "mickey mouse" Me "what do you call a duck on 2 legs" Friend "donald duck" Me " all ducks idiot"
Student walks into professor's office
She says, "I'm just not doing very well in your class. I was wondering if there was anything I could do to raise my grade?"
The professor looks her up and down and asks, "What are you willing to do to raise your grade?"
"I'd do anything," she answers coyly, playing with her hair.
"Anything?"
"Anything!" she repeats with a knowing grin.
"Would you....study?"
So there was a tribal chief who decided he needed the biggest hut in the village...
so he gathered the grass he needed and built the only two story hut in the village. He placed his throne on the second story and held audiences there. One night while he slept the throne fell through the floor and crushed his head. The moral of this story is that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Two American Women Rescued After Five Months at Sea
Two American Women Rescued After Five Months at Sea
With a broken mast rigging, a disabled engine and with distress calls out of range, two American women have been rescued after being at sea for five months, the U.S. Navy and the lucky mariners said Thursday.
October 27, 2017 at 09:21PM
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A hot girl asked me whether I wanted to see a movie.
She said, "Which movie would you like to see?".
I said, "You pick".
She said, "No you pick".
I said, "I don't care, you pick".
She said, "Please decide fast sir, there are other people waiting to buy tickets".
[A forward that I received from my SO today]
The creator of Mad Libs died this week.
His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
Who's in charge?
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.
A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.
He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.
He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.
He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.
Thứ Sáu, 27 tháng 10, 2017
[NSFW] A man down on his luck walks into a Brothel...
A man down on his luck walks into a Brothel and approaches the woman at the counter. Not expecting much, he weakly asks the woman:
"I've only got two dollars to spend, what can that get me?"
The woman sighs loudly:
"Basic missionary, and she won't do anything but take it."
Surprised, he slaps down his two dollars almost instantly.
"Give them a minute to get her ready."
The man enters his purchased room to see his prize tied to the bed, blindfolded and ball-gagged. Without a second thought, he strips down and goes to town.
The man finishes sometime later and collapses beside her. Exhausted, he looks over at her and notices a small droplet of ooze around her blindfold. Alarmed, he rushes to the woman at the counter.
"The girl I was having sex with seems to be really sick. Shes oozing from her eyes!"
The woman once again sighs loudly, gets up and leans over the counter.
"RICKY! THE DEAD ONES FULL AGAIN!"
A man is stuck in a traffic jam
A man is struck in a traffic jam
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire politicians, and they are asking for a 1 million crore rupees ransom.
Otherwise, they are gong to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, and collection donations.
How much is everyone giving, an on average? the driver asks....
The man replied, "Roughly 2 liters"
*Edit : I apologise for any grammatical errors. English is not my 1st language.
A man goes into a brothel
He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house."
She says, "The worst...? For $100 you can have the best blow-job in the house!"
He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
A man asked God
"God, where can i find the love of my life?"
God answered
"Love can be found on every corner"
And then god made earth round
Another interview joke
During a job interview, the interviewer asks, “I noticed a 6 year gap in your resume. How do you account for this period of time?”
The applicant responds, “I went to Yale.”
Excited, the interviewer says, “Yale?!? You’re hired!”
The applicant replies, “Yay! I got a yob!”
A new American revolution is starting in New England—against Daylight Saving Time
A new American revolution is starting in New England—against Daylight Saving Time
The Eastern Time Zone spans Maine to Michigan. Parts of eastern New England are dark many waking hours of the day, with the sun setting before 4pm in winter.
October 26, 2017 at 08:49PM
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A priest was driving down the road one day when getting stopped by a cop.
The cop smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said to the priest, "Father, have you been drinking?"
The priest replied, "Only water, officer."
The cop then asked him, "Then why can I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again."
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely."
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Job Interview
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.
Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?"
"This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
I like my women like I like my whiskey
12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
Thứ Năm, 26 tháng 10, 2017
A huge crab walks into a bar...
...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted."
The barman looks at the crab and says, "why the big clause?"
Edit: Changed details to make the idea that a giant crab might also be a beer enthusiast more believable.
Its funny how we all sleep differently.
I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody...that sorta thing.
Duck hunting in a village
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in a village. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in this side of the planet and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in this village. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule'."
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees !
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Donald Trump somehow makes it to the Pearly Gates
After a long life, and a tumultuous presidency, Donald J Trump dies and arrives at the Gates of Heaven, where he sees a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asks an angel, "What are all those clocks?"
The angel answers, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," says Trump, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Washington's clock. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie."
"Tremendous" says Trump. "And whose clock is that one?"
The angel responds, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"So, where's my clock?" Asks Trump
"Oh, your clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern...
The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.” “Yes,” she says, “I remember it well.” “OK,” he says, “how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time sake?” “Ooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea,” she answers. There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, “I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.” So he follows them. They walk haltingly along,leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She’s yelling, “Ohhh, God!” He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life.This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn’t know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I’ve got to ask him what his secret is! As the couple passes, he says to them,”That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?” The old man says, “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”
Thứ Tư, 25 tháng 10, 2017
One afternoon a lawyer is riding in his limousine
While on his ride, he notices 2 men on the side of the road eating grass. He stops, concerned a bit to talk to the 2 men.
He gets out of his limousine and goes up to one of the men and asks "Hey man, why are you eating grass?
Man 1: Well, you see, when your homeless and have nothing to eat this is sometimes what we have to resort to
Lawyer: I see, that's no way to live, why don't you come over to my place and I'll get you something to eat
Man 1: Id love to but me and my family of 3 couldn't possibly take up that offer
He then points to his family who are under a tree, also eating grass. The lawyer notices and then goes up to the other man
Lawyer: You couldn't possibly turn down a nice meal at my place could you?
The other man looks pitifully at the lawyer and replies, "I would love to but me and my family with 6 kids couldn't possibly take an offer like that." He then points over to another tree where is family too, is also eating grass.
After some convincing of the 2 men and their families, the lawyer guides them to his limousine which they all get in, it's a little tight however as fitting that many people in a limousine is a rather tough task to accomplish.
Once they are all settled in, one of the men look at the lawyer and say, "I really appreciate you taking this time to help us get a good meal that we really need during these tough times". The lawyer then replies
"Yeah, no problem, the grass at my house is at least 2 feet high."
Two guys are walking in the woods when
Two guys are walking in the woods when a wolf attacks them. They suffer a few bites, but they get patched up and go about their lives. The next month, on the next full moon, they suddenly change into wolves and run in the woods and kill a deer and do other wolf stuff.
In the morning they wake back up as humans. The first guy starts losing it. “Oh my god!” He shouts. “We are wolves!”
The second guys goes to calm him down. “No, now, we are humans. We werewolves.”
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered...
Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Dear Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"
"Dear Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was Dee-licious!"
GOP Senator Announces Retirement, Blasts Trump In Senate Floor Speech
GOP Senator Announces Retirement, Blasts Trump In Senate Floor Speech
"I have children and grandchildren to answer to, and so, Mr. President, I will not be complicit."
October 25, 2017 at 02:41AM
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Thứ Ba, 24 tháng 10, 2017
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.
I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him.
"I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed.
No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time."
Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Cops turned up at my place last night
"I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a car..."
I said "Yes but she has a great personality."
The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.
Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."
Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."
Her Majesty: "Fascinating. Very well, carry on."
All is well, until a few doors down the Queen sees a beautiful blonde nurse giving another patient a blowjob.
Her Majesty: "Now what's this?"
Nurse: "He's suffering from the same condition as that other patient, but this man has much better health insurance."
A man's choice
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
Would you remarry?
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Shit."
Goalkeeper Learns The Hard Way Why You Don't Celebrate A Missed Penalty Too Soon
Goalkeeper Learns The Hard Way Why You Don't Celebrate A Missed Penalty Too Soon
This sequence of events seems almost perfectly constructed to be a parable about the virtues of not counting your chickens before they've hatched.
October 23, 2017 at 08:58PM
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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed...
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him.
"What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
John McCain Calls Trump Out For Dodging Draft In Shadiest Way Possible
John McCain Calls Trump Out For Dodging Draft In Shadiest Way Possible
Bone spurs, eh?
October 23, 2017 at 07:32PM
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Sex frog
[Long]
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
- Take a shower.
- Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
- Slip into a very sexy teddy.
- Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings."
With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!"
With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!"
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."
The Devil did just that.
The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."
And the idiot went to heaven.
Thứ Hai, 23 tháng 10, 2017
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed..ha..ha.ha
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him... She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.... Why are you down here at this time of night!? The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses....... The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?" "I remember that, too" she replied softly... He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, I would have gotten out today.
A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries
As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me,
"Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company."
The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.
When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know.
One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them.
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.
Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her.
"Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked.
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges.
"Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma.
A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it? " Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"
Peter: "Your secretary is very sexy..."
Tony: "Thanks! It's a robot actually, named 'Maria'. If you squeeze her right boob, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left boob, she types letters! I'll Lend it to you for a day & you can see her functions..."
Next day Peter called Tony from hospital & shouted: "You bastard!"
You didn't tell me that the "HOLE" between Maria's legs is a pencil sharpener.
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Its dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”
Man ~ “That’s nice.”
Boy ~ “Want to buy it?”
Man ~ “No, thanks.”
Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”
Man ~ “OK, how much?”
Boy ~ “$250?
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy ~ “Its dark in here.”
Man ~ “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy ~ “$750?
Man ~ “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy ~ “$1,000?
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”
I’m dressing as the Republican healthcare bill for Halloween.
I won’t be leaving the house.
(Heard this on the podcast “Fake the Nation” and thought you all would like it.)
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.
As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
California Restaurant Admits It's Been Serving Popeyes Chicken for Months
California Restaurant Admits It's Been Serving Popeyes Chicken for Months
The restaurant's Yelp page is now a hotbed of one-star reviews. But the owner insists she didn't do anything wrong.
October 23, 2017 at 12:31AM
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A man walks into a bar... (kinda long)
A man walks into a bar and orders his first drink, about 5 minutes later he calls the bartender down.
He tells the bartender "I bet you $200 I can bite my eyeball." The bartender quickly agrees as he sees this as easy money. The man then pops out his glass eye and bites it.
"Damn it that's not fair!" the bartender exclaims. "Ok" says the man, "I'll give you a chance to make your money back. I'll bet you another 200 I can bite my ear." The bartender carefully looks at both of his ears, and they are both very real. He agrees to the bet but is dismayed when the man takes out his dentures and bites his own ear.
"You've got to be kidding me! Give me one more chance to make my money back!" "Alright" says the man, "but give me a couple minutes and I'll be back with your chance." The man looks around and then walks over and starts talking to a guy in a suit. They have a few laughs and then shake hands, and the man walks back down to the bartender.
"Ok, I'll bet you 400 dollars that I can pee into a pint glass 8 feet away on the bar and not spill a drop." The bartender takes a moment to think about it, making sure there's no way to cheat into winning the bet, and finally he agrees. The man hops up on the bar, the bartender sets up the glass 8 feet away and quickly steps back. The man starts pissing everywhere, not even coming close to the pint glass. The bartender cracks a smile, happy he no longer owes the man any money. He looks over at the guy in the suit, who is furious and is covering his face with his hands.
"Why is he so mad?" Asked the bartender. Smiling, the man says "I just bet him $3000 I could piss all over the bar and you would just stand there and smile."
So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."
She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess.
"Blue."
"Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out.
When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"
Chủ Nhật, 22 tháng 10, 2017
On day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.
God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke.
If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.
So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.
The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.
But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.
God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"
The blonde said "I know I just now got the first one!!!"
A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem
He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
I walked into the living room to find my wife breast feeding our son...
"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?"
"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."
I replied, "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother."
A Priest needs to go to the bathroom and asks for a Nun to hear the confessions for a while
A Priest needs to go to the bathroom and asks for a Nun to hear the confessions while he is out. The first person to arrive it's a gorgeous woman, who says:
-Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I had anal sex with some random guy in a bar.
The nun, shocked doesn't know what Penance to give to the Lady, but an altar boy was passing by so she asks him:
-What does the Priest give to people for anal sex?
-Usually a hamburger and a coke.
Dogs Make Facial Expressions, But Only When They've Got An Audience
Dogs Make Facial Expressions, But Only When They've Got An Audience
Findings suggest that dogs use facial expressions to communicate with humans — a trait that may have emerged as a result of domestication.
October 22, 2017 at 01:58AM
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So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.
He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."
Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"
Cop: "More important, sir."
Chief: "A major politician?"
Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."
Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"
Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."
Thứ Bảy, 21 tháng 10, 2017
Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today
When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taken a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.
My girlfriend is turning 32 soon...
I told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."
Never assume that your boss knows what he is doing.
A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, ”This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly,” said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper and pushed the start button. “Excellent,excellent!” said the CEO as the paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy; can you do that for me?”
Swimming pool
I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, “HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!”
I replied “Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!”
“Yes, but not from the high dive!”
A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes that its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he leaves. When he arrives home, his wife is waiting for him and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you been?!" she asks. "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You liar!! You went bowling again!!"
A woman asks her husband...
A woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?" The husband replies, "I wanted to shag your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" To which the husband replies, "I think I did a pretty good job."
The Boomtown That Shouldn’t Exist
The Boomtown That Shouldn’t Exist
Cape Coral was built on total lies. One big storm could wipe it off the map. Oh, and it’s also the fastest-growing city in the United States.
October 20, 2017 at 10:49PM
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Exchange rate
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one lady in front of me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?' The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'. The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.
A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.
"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"
Everyone Knows Dave
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
I was running late after playing a round of golf, so I left my clubs with my friend, stuffed a bunch of the balls in my pants pockets and got on a bus...
I sat down next to a beautiful blonde and she kept looking at me and my bulging pockets.
Finally, after many puzzled glances from her, I said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at me for a very long time, thinking deeply about what I had said.
Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Not sure if this is a repost or not but it made it into my FB feed
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
A wife comes home and finds her husband in bed with a young woman.
As she is reaching for the phone to call her lawyer, he says, "Wait a minute! I can explain everything!
"I was at the mall and I saw this young lady sitting with a sign saying 'Will work for food', and you know the yard has needed a good clean-up, so I told her if she was willing to come and clean it I would gladly feed her as much as she could eat. Well, when she said she would work for food, she was telling nothing but God's honest truth, and you can see for yourself, the yard's cleaner than we've ever seen it.
"After an effort like that, three or four bowls of stew didn't seem like enough, and I noticed she'd gotten her clothes filthy, so I thought I'd have a look through the wardrobe and see what we could give her.
"There was that outdoor work shirt that you bought, only then it went out of style the next week and so you never even got it out of the packaging.
"You had a couple of pairs of jeans that you tried once and complained they made your ass look fat, so I thought you wouldn't mind.
"You had some hiking socks and boots that you bought five years ago when you were all about the hiking you were going to do, and then you never went, and I figured if you were going to try it at last you'd probably want new stuff anyway.
"There was some underwear that your sister sent you as a present, only you've vowed never to speak to her again and they've not seen daylight since you unwrapped them.
"This girl here was delighted with all this stuff, and she tried it all on, and then she said 'Have you got anything else that your wife doesn't want any more?'
"...and, well, here we are."
Thứ Sáu, 20 tháng 10, 2017
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Guys, I think my girlfriend might be a psychic.
Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her. And she answered, "What's up, sexy?" Before I even said a word!
Thứ Năm, 19 tháng 10, 2017
Engelbert asks a cab driver to take him home after a night out in the city.
He lives in a village outside of town so it is quite a distance. The taxi driver tells him he can take him, but it will cost him $100. Engelbert only has $80, so he tells the taxi driver:
'I'll give you $80 now, but I'll need the same ride next week, and then I'll pay you $200'
The cab driver responds, 'Right, how do I know you're not just scamming me? You can walk back to your stupid village.'
Since there are no other taxis around, Engelbert indeed has to walk all the way back to his village, which takes him 4.5 hours. He is not happy, as you can understand.
The next week Engelbert again goes out in the city and again ends up trying to find a ride home at the same taxi stop. Now he has ensured that he has plenty of money left to get a ride home. This time there are three taxis; one of them if the taxi from last week. First, Engelbert goes up to one of the other two taxi drivers.
Engelbert: 'How much to take me to my village?'
Taxi driver #1: '$100.'
Engelbert: 'Ok, tell you what. I'll give you $200, but then we stop half way, and you come give me a nice hand job in the back seat.'
Taxi driver #1: 'What! That's disgusting! Get the fuck out of my cab, you creep!'
Engelbert now goes to the next cab (not the one from last week, but the other new one).
Engelbert: 'How much to take me to my village?'
Taxi driver #2: '$100.'
Engelbert: 'What if I gave you $200, but then we stop somewhere during the ride and you give me a nice blow job in the back seat?'
Taxi driver #2: 'I don't think so, you pervert! Get out of my cab!'
Finally, Engelbert goes to the cab driver that wouldn't take him for $80 last week.
Engelbert: 'How much to take me to my village?'
Taxi driver #3: 'Still $100, just like last week.'
Engelbert: 'OK, I'll tell you what. I give you $200, but then you have to honk and wave at the other cab drivers as we drive off!'
A man is attending the Super Bowl, when he notices an empty seat.
Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?
"They're all at the funeral."
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Three men arrive in heaven at the same time. St. Peter comes out to greet them.
"Sorry about this guys," says St. Peter. "God didn't realize just how many people would get into heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if I think it's sad or interesting enough, I'll let you in."
He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bookish sort in a bad business suit and says, "Tell me your story."
"Okay," says the man. "I thought I had a wonderful life. I had a beautiful wife and we had a lovely place on the 34th floor of an apartment building. I came home from work early today, and I saw my beautiful wife sleeping naked in bed with another man's clothes on the floor. So of course I started looking for the bastard who slept with my wife."
"Like I said, I lived in an apartment. There weren't that many places to hide, but I couldn't find him anywhere! Just when I was about to go confront my wife, I see him. The bastard was hiding outside the window, holding onto the windowsill. I go up to him and started stomping on his hands over and over again, but he wouldn't let go. I finally kicked him in the face and he fell. Unfortunately, he landed on a bush and bounced to safety. In my anger, I grabbed my refrigerator and throw it out after him. However, the cord from the refrigerator wrapped around my leg and pulled me to my death."
St. Peter nods and says, "You're story is acceptable. Welcome to heaven." He goes to the second man a brawny working-man type and says, "What's your story?"
"I'm a window washer," says the man. "I've been a window washer for over 20 years. Well today, I'm washing the windows of the 35th floor of this apartment building when my scaffolding breaks. I thought I was going to die, but I manage to catch myself on the windowsill of the story below. All of a sudden this maniac comes out and starts mashing my fingers. I try my best to hold on, but he kicks me in the face and I fall. Once again, I thought I was going to die, but I land on this hedge and bounce away no worse for the wear. I look up and BOOM. Dead. Last thing I saw was a refrigerator."
St. Peter holds back a chuckle and lets him into heaven. He goes to the third man, a ridiculously handsome fellow with sandy-blonde hair, and asks, "What's your story?"
"Alright," says the man. "Picture this. You just got finished banging some dude's wife. He comes home. You hide in the refrigerator."
One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest.
As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest." The giraffe looked at the rabbit, then at the heroin, then back at the Rabbit, and then threw the needle away. The two then proceeded to run though the forest.
While running through the forest they came upon a sheep. This sheep was about to smoke a joint. The rabbit looked at he sheep for a moment and then said, "Sheep, don't smoke pot. Pot is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest.
The sheep looked at the rabbit, then at the joint, then back at the rabbit, and then threw the joint away. The three then proceeded to run through the forest.
The three then stumbled upon a tiger. This tiger was about to crack open a cold beer. The rabbit looked at the tiger for a second and then said, "Tiger, don't drink alcohol. Alcohol is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest!"
The Tiger then looked at the rabbit, then at the beer, then back at the rabbit, and then cracked open the beer and carefully placed it on the ground next to him. He then proceeded to slowly walk over to the rabbit, lifted his paw up, and then mauled the shit out of the rabbit. After he was done he slowly walked back to the beer, picked it up and started drinking it.
The giraffe and the sheep were shocked. The giraffe looked at the tiger and said, "Dude!!! What the fuck? He was just trying to help you!!! Why did you hurt him?"
The tiger slowly looked at the giraffe and then said, "Because every time that rabbit does cocaine I end up running through the fucking forest!!!"
My first day as a car salesman...
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
This Is What A 21st-Century Police State Really Looks Like
This Is What A 21st-Century Police State Really Looks Like
Far from the booming metropolis of Beijing, China is building a sprawling system that combines dystopian technology and human policing. "It's a kind of frontline laboratory for surveillance."
October 18, 2017 at 09:36PM
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One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away
He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later the appraiser calls him: "I've finished my analysis, and I've got some good news. There's no doubt at all that what you have is a genuine Van Gogh and a genuine Stradivarius." The man is ecstatic: "I can sell these for millions!" The appraiser says "Well, you can sell them, and they'll fetch some money for their novelty value. But not millions. You see, the truth is, Stradivarius wasn't much of a painter... and Van Gogh made lousy violins."
A guy goes to the doctor.
A guy goes to the doctor.
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Thứ Tư, 18 tháng 10, 2017
Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game
The Queen doesn't wear a burkha. The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to. The Queen is more powerful than the King. The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory. Most importantly, there's only one Queen.
A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.
So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to his office he regretted and decided it wasn't worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
"Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.
Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!
I passed a kid sat on the side of the road dressed in rags earlier.
I asked him, "Are you an orphan?"
He replied, "Yes. What gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents."
In school, we had an assembly on bullying
The teacher spoke about a young gay boy, being bullied because of his sexuality. She spoke in length about his life, and the verbal abuse he suffers. She then asked a question, 'How do you think he takes it?'. Apparently, 'Up the arse!' wasn't a suitable answer.
*mugger pulls a knife*
Mugger: gimme your money
Me: well this night took a SHARP turn
later
Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs
The seven dwarfs are in church
The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, Dopey stands up and says, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the church ?" "No," said the priest, "There are no midget nuns in the church." A little time passed and the dwarfs were again whispering and giggling amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance and noticeably angering the priest.
Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the city?"
"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church." says the priest. Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay of the priest.
Once again, Dopey stands up and asks "Father, are there any midget nuns in the state?"
"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no midget nuns in the church." exclaimed the priest, obviously upset.
The dwarfs continue their interference.
Dopey stands up and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the country?"
The priest, totally angered, exclaims "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the church, in the city, in the state, no midget nuns in the country, there are no midget nuns in the whole world!!! Now sit down!!!!!"
Soon afterwards, a chant can be heard from the rear of the church, "Dopey fucked a penguin. Dopey fucked a penguin. Dopey fucked a penguin."
A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says in frustration, "I wish these dumb bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around and she is livid: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"
Johnny: "Harvey Weinstein. Can I go now, Miss?"
She claimed tall, blond aliens kidnapped her as a child. Now she’s running for Congress.
She claimed tall, blond aliens kidnapped her as a child. Now she’s running for Congress.
Several years before the 59-year-old announced her candidacy for Congress, Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera appeared on TV and talked in great detail about her experiences with aliens.
October 17, 2017 at 08:14AM
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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ." Kid 1: "As if." Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
A little Tap on the Driver's Shoulder By the Passenger.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
Welsh pub
One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer.
All the other men in the bar looked at him and the bartender asked, "You're not from around here, are you lad?"
"No," replied the man, "I'm from London."
"So, boyo," said the bartender, "What do you do for a living then?"
"I'm a taxidermist." Replied the man.
"A taxidermist?" asked the barman, "What's one of them do?"
"Well," replied the man, "I mount animals."
The bartender then turned to all the other welshmen in the bar and said, "It's o.k. lads, he's one of us!"
Thứ Ba, 17 tháng 10, 2017
An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...
She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"
Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"
What My Girlfriend Thought on the First Four Dates
1) Good shirt.
2) Nice. A second good shirt.
3) OK, the first shirt again.
4) He has two shirts.
Astronomers Observe First-Ever 'Kilanova' — Here's What's Going On
Astronomers Observe First-Ever 'Kilanova' — Here's What's Going On
On Monday, astronomers announced a hugely exciting new discovery: For the first time ever, they've observed two neutron stars colliding — and creating gravitational waves.
October 16, 2017 at 10:06PM
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A college student could not take his seminar final exam because of a funeral.
"No problem," the teacher told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.
"You'll have to take the test early next week," the professor insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."
"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," the undergrad replied.
By now I the instructor was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?"
"I don't know any of these people," the student exclaimed. "But I'm the only gravedigger in town."
Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook.
He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"
I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.
Thứ Hai, 16 tháng 10, 2017
There was a lady with 3 sons, named Rain, Snow and Brick
Rain asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Rain’?” “Because a raindrop fell on your head when you were born.” Then Snow asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Snow’?” “Because a snowflake fell on your head when you were born.” Then Brick asked his mom, “NYANYANYANYA”
There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.
There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knights and thirty squires with many horses and wagons laden with food and wine. The second being well-off sent ten knights and twenty squires as well as several wagons of food and drink. The last kingdom had only one knight who was very aged and rather decrepit and had but the one squire. They brought with them a single iron pot and a horse with food enough for the journey. The first evening much revelry was had- wine was shared and spilled in equal measure great haunches of meat were roasted and cut and all are well. The old knight counseled that there were rats on the island and food should be moved off the ground to avoid them spreading plague. The Knights and squires of the first and second kingdoms disregarded his advice saying "Pfah! What does he know? We are so many no rats would dare bother us!" But the squire of the third kingdom listened attentively to his old knight and hauled their old iron pot on a rope over a branch preventing the rats from finding it. In the morning all the warriors of the first two kingdoms were ill finding rat droppings in their food and sleeping-things and several of them could barely even stand, let alone fight. That night the partying was subdued but still jubilant. Old grudges were settled by the fireside tales of heroism told and retold and many casks of wine were emptied and tossed aside. Again the old knight counseled the gathered warriors. He warned them that bandits had long preyed on dwellers of this island, making off with any valuables they could. "Pfah! What does the old man know?" They cried well into their cups. "Surely no bandit would trouble such an assembled group of warriors!" But the lone squire from the third kingdom listened intently to his wise old master and hung a noose beside their pot dangling from the tree so that bandits might see the penalty for troubling them and be warned away. The day of the tournament came and the Knights and squires of the first and second kingdoms emerged from their tents to find their fine armour and weapons stolen in the night by bandits. Amazed they hunted around but even their horses were gone. The Knights could not fight at all and only a very few of their squires could craft cudgels with which to do battle. But the crafty squire of the third kingdom had warned bandits away and his battered old pot helm and coat of plates and his dented old sword were safe in his tent. He took to the field under the gaze of his master and although the other squires allied against him, he defeated those who were well and well-armoured enough to fight him. And thus we learned that the squire of the high pot and noose was equal to the sum of squires on the other two sides.
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