So Trump can't tweet it.....
Thứ Năm, 30 tháng 11, 2017
God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded
So he sits down with St Peter and says “Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”
Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives
“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules... you’re not allowed in unless you’ve had like a really bad day”
The man doesn’t pause before screaming: “Bad day? A bad day! Let me tell you about my day. I have suspected my wife of cheating on me for a year now and I decided to come home at lunch and catch her in...
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas eve. They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining" says the man.
"I think it's snowing" says the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He's always right!" Exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."...
A woman gave her little boy a dollar and told him to go spend it wisely
So the boy walks out the door and starts walking down the street, when he sees a man holding a duck.
"Hey mister," the boy asks, "that's a nice duck. Where did you get it?"
"I found it," the man said, "and I'm taking it to the market to sell."
"How much do you want for it?" the little boy asked.
"A dollar."
Well, the little boy had a dollar, so he bought the duck, and went off to play with him. Soon enough a woman comes by and notices the duck.
"Hey, that's an adorable duck you have there," she said.
"Thanks," the little boy said, "I just bought...
Net Neutrality Is Not the Problem | Backchannel
Net Neutrality Is Not the Problem | Backchannel
I’ve got bad news for everyone who is working overtime to protest Federal Communications Commission chair Ajit Pai’s campaign to eliminate net neutrality: You are being tricked.
November 29, 2017 at 09:39PM
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Datasheet of a Woman
Element | Woman
Symbol | ♀
Discoverer | Adam
Atomic Mass | Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg to 225kg
Physical Properties:
Body surface normally covered with a film of powder and paint
Boils at absolutely nothing - freezes with no apparent reason
Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.
Chemical Properties:
Reacts well to gold, platinum and all precious stones.
Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning
The most powerful money reducing agent known to man
Hazards
Turns green when placed alongside...
The man came home early from work to find his wife lying naked on the bed, crying her eyes out.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. “I’ve got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night,” she sobbed. “Oh come on now! You’ve plenty of clothes,” and with that he went over to the wardrobe. “See here, there’s the nice pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi there Tom, the green silk gown…”...
Thứ Tư, 29 tháng 11, 2017
A little 8yo boy, shows up to a whorehouse with a dead frog and demands to see the madame.
An elderly woman comes out and asks what she can do for him. He explains that he wishes to pay for the services of the cheapest girl in the house, but that she absolutely must have herpes. The madame, of course, initially refuses, but the boy cries and cries until she gives in.
Out comes Tiffany, the most decrepit broad you've ever seen, and the madame says to the boy "It's $20 for an hour with Tiffany, but you have to leave the dead frog outside."
The boy agrees.
An hour later the boy comes out from the back, beaming from ear to ear, and collects...
Lady & her $130k Mercedes
A lady bought a new $130,000 Mercedes-AMG GT car and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and angrily began to complain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need...
A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...
"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."...
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar
They are about to sit down when the bartender says: “It costs $60 to sit on the chair.” The priest and the rabbi say “That’s absurd! What’s the reason for this charge?” The bartender says “Well the goal is to provide patrons with a sense of pride and accompli—“
The priest and the rabbi throw themselves at the bartender and beat him to death, because enough of the damn EA jokes already....
An old man is at passport control in Paris
He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'
'Yes' replied the old man.
Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you'd should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last time'
'Impossible!!' she bellowed.
The old man looks her straight in the eye and says 'Last time, when I landed on D Day in 1944, I couldn't find a fucking Frenchman to give it to'...
An Afghan man named Ahmed is walking down a dirt road with his wife ahead of him a few steps.
He meets another man going the opposite way.
"Salam aleikum, brother" he says.
"Aleikum Assalam" replies Ahmed.
"Did you know that the Great Prophet would never allow a woman to walk ahead of him?" asks the man.
Ahmed replies, "And did you know that there were no minefields in the time of the Prophet?" He then turns to the wife, "Keep walking, Saida."...
"Sir, we're mining too many useless mineral ores."
Hitler: "Mine less, then."
Grammar Nazi bursts in: "MINE FEWER."
Hitler looks over: "Yes?"...
An older man and his grandson are on a plane when one of the engines starts to fail.
Realizing they are still flying over a mountain range and have nowhere safe to put down, the pilot and co-pilot devise a plan to keep the plane aloft in the sky for everyone's safety. The pilot grabs his microphone and announces to the passengers,
"Hello passengers, this is your captain speaking. As I'm sure some of you have noticed, one of the engines is sputtering black smoke and we are losing altitude at a somewhat alarming rate. I want to assure you that I have no intention of crashing into the mountains, so in an effort to remain in the sky...
Andy was sent to prison
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen...
A Conversation with Chuck Palahniuk, the Author of ‘Fight Club’ and the Man Behind Tyler Durden
A Conversation with Chuck Palahniuk, the Author of ‘Fight Club’ and the Man Behind Tyler Durden
In this wide-ranging interview, the author of "Fight Club" discusses his most famous character, grief, nihilism and the concept of manliness.
November 28, 2017 at 07:28AM
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It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild...
Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught he old secrets.
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is...
Thứ Ba, 28 tháng 11, 2017
I used to be Christian...
Her: I used to be Christian.
Him: Its all right, I don't really care for those sort of things.
Her: Thank god! Its much better now that i'm Christine!...
Three vampires were having an argument
They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.
"Do you see that house there?" "Yes" "I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"
Not to be outdone, the second vampire disappears and reappears after 10 seconds with a face covered in blood.
"Do you see that neighbourhood there?" "Yes" "I killed everyone in it and drank their blood!"
The third vampire dashes away and reappears in 5 seconds, with his entire body covered in blood.
"Do...
The first rule about Thesaurus club is
that you do not talk, speak, prattle, whisper, chatter, mumble, rant, articulate, babble, describe, divulge, drone, confer, deliberate, squeal, or converse about Thesaurus Club....
How I Fucked A Homeless Girl...
I asked a good looking, young homeless woman if I could take her home today... and she said yes with a huge smile...
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box....
We're getting a divorce after 45 years..
An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up. Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are...
Three men, John, Paul, and Bob live horrible lives and go to hell. When they arrive, a hideously ugly woman appears out of nowhere. Suddenly, a loud booming voice says,
"John! You have sinned! In reparation for your atrocious lifestyle you are condemned to sleep with this woman." With a cry of dismay, John is a whisked away to endure this horrible penance. Suddenly, another even uglier more hideous woman comes forward.
"Paul! You have sinned! In reparation for your atrocious lifestyle you are condemned to sleep with this woman." Paul is suddenly whisked away, clawing the ground as he is dragged off.
Bob stands alone in the room, quaking with fear, when Kate Upton walks in! He can't believe his luck! Suddenly,...
After marijuana, are magic mushrooms next to be decriminalised in California?
After marijuana, are magic mushrooms next to be decriminalised in California?
Kevin Saunders, a mayoral candidate for the city of Marina, just south of the San Francisco Bay, has filed a proposal that would exempt adults over the age of 21 from any penalties over possessing, growing, selling or transporting psychedelic psilocybin mushrooms.
November 27, 2017 at 12:36PM
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Hitler, Salin, and EA were having a debate
"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked
Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!"
EA says "NONSENSE! I've ruined dozens of game franchises. I am the most hated!"
Hitler said "Why don't we hold a vote in hell and see who is the most hated of all?"
The group agreed and Hitler left to go make the vote. After counting the ballets, Hitler returns and asks:
"Who the fuck is Ajit Pai!?"...
A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "How about you go brew us some coffee?"
Wife: "That's your job."
Hasband: "Says who?"
Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page."
Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee." Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, hebrews."...
Thứ Hai, 27 tháng 11, 2017
An engineer dies and...
An Engineer dies, and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort down there, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God rings down and asks Satan,"So, how's it going down there?" Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake...
I was having intimate relations with a married woman.
A car pulled into the garage, and the woman said, "Oh no it's my husband! Quick, use the back door!"
Thinking back, I should have run, but you don't get offers like that every day....
On his deathbed, on old Jew tells his wife:
‘Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no?’ - ‘ Sure I was, Moshe’
‘When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me, no?- ‘ I was Moshe.’
‘And now you’re at my death bed, aren’t you?’ - ‘I am, darling’
‘I’m starting to think you’re bad luck, Sarah.’...
The year is 2064 and r/jokes is still going strong...
A new user gets on to r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"
The second most upvoted joke says "3915"
The third most upvoted joke says "756"
He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"
The admin replies "You must be new here. r/jokes has been around for so long, we've seen every joke, so we just refer to them by numbers now"
The new user wants to get a few upvotes so writes "504,323"
When he checks his account the next day his joke is the top post on reddit and the most...
Ten Long Years of Trying to Make Armie Hammer Happen
Ten Long Years of Trying to Make Armie Hammer Happen
How many second chances does a handsome white male star get?
November 27, 2017 at 12:46AM
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Grandpa & grandson
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for candy, cookies, all sorts of things.
The grandpa is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy boy." The boy has another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, son."
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the shopping cart. Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William,...
A kid asked his dad..
Kid: Dad, what is an alcoholic? Dad: You see these 4 cars, an alcoholic would see 8 cars. Kid: But there are only 2 cars....
Chủ Nhật, 26 tháng 11, 2017
Bob and the nudist colony
Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and Bob immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, “Sir, did you call for me?”
Bob replies, “No, what do you mean?”
She says, “You must be new here; let me explain. It’s a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him...
The US, England and Ireland are presented with a question. Why is the head of the penis larger than the shaft?
The US funds a study for 6 months at $20 million, and concludes it is to give the man more pleasure during sex.
The UK not to be outdone by the Yankees, spend 3 months and half the money, and concludes it's to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
The Irish, not to be outdone by anyone spend a weekend drinking, and come back Monday morning concluding it's to keep the man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead....
Did anybody hear what happened to that guy on the highway?
He pulled up to a gas station to fill up his tank, i guess they were doing maintenance on the pumps and didnt put one back together right, so while he was pumping, the hose popped off the nozzle and started spraying gas all up his arm.
So he went in PISSED. He was cussing, and yelling, eventually the manager comes out and gets his story, helps him clean up, gave him credit for the gas, which calmed the guy down a bit, enough to continue on with his day.
So hes driving down the highway, and decides he needs a smoke. He goes to light a cigarette,...
How The Sandwich Consumed Britain
How The Sandwich Consumed Britain
The sandwich industry has transformed the way Brits each lunch and breakfast — and now it's coming for dinner.
November 26, 2017 at 12:58AM
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A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world"...
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
The guy...
Thứ Bảy, 25 tháng 11, 2017
A barber got arrested..
A barber got arrested in my area for dealing drugs and I’m totally shook. I’ve been his customer for years and never knew he was a barber....
An American sailor walks up to a urinal and starts peeing...
... A few seconds later, a fellow Irish sailor goes to the urinal next to him and starts peeing. The American's eyes start to wander, and he can't help but look down at the Irish man's penis and notice a "W" and "Y" tattooed down there. "I'm really sorry that I looked over," says the American, "but i have to ask. Why do you have a 'WY' tatooed on your penis?" "You got me," responds the Irish sailor. "Me girl back home is named Wendy, and the tattoo says 'Wendy' when fully erect." The American nods and goes on his way.
A few days later, the American...
My friend told me this joke a while ago, and I thought that it was pretty good:
A man goes to a restaurant and sits down to eat.
The waiter comes by and asks him what he would like to eat.
The man says, “I’ll have one of your world-famous burgers with lettuce and onions on it.”
The waiter responds, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re fresh out of onions.”
“Oh, that’s fine. I’ll just have some French Onion Soup, then.”
“Sir, I told you, we’re out of onions.”
“I understand. I’ll have some onion-stuffed quesadilla.”
“Sir for the last time, we are out of onions.”
“Alright, alright! I hear you! I’m not that hungry anyways, I’ll just get...
Everything We Definitely Know About 'The Room's Tommy Wiseau
Everything We Definitely Know About 'The Room's Tommy Wiseau
Tommy Wiseau directed the legendarily awful 2003 motion picture "The Room"; this we know for certain. Beyond that, things start to get murky.
November 24, 2017 at 10:06PM
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Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned.
The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.
Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet,
Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad.
You better roll him over."
The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thinks this is strange.
Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asks,...
Missionary in the jungle
A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.”...
Thứ Sáu, 24 tháng 11, 2017
One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex.
The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.
“What are you doing, Mommy?”
The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.
“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”
The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”
The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”
The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you...
Little Johnny
A door to door sales woman knocks on a door. Little Johnny opens the door holding a tumbler of scotch and a lit cigar. The woman, visibly shaken, asks "Little boy is your mother home?". Little Johnny takes a sip of his scotch and a draw from his cigar before he looks her dead in her eyes and says "What the fuck do you think?"....
I saw my dwarf neighbour at a bus stop
“Jump in, I’ll give you a lift home” I said. “Fuck off” he shouted back. “What an ungrateful little cunt” I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk....
An old Jewish man walks into a restaurant
He orders some soup. The waiter quickly brings his soup but the old man doesn’t eat. The waiter returns after some minutes. “Excuse me sir. Is there something wrong with your soup?” “Try it and find out.” The old man responded. “Is the soup too cold?” “Try it.” “I-is it too hot?” “Just try it.” “Not enough vegetables, too much broth, does it smell funny?” “What are ya, mishegas? Just try the soup!” The old man shouts. “Alright!” The waiter gives in. “Where’s the spoon?” He looks over the table. The old man just smiles....
Facebook will help some users figure out if they saw Russian propaganda during the 2016 U.S. presidential election
Facebook will help some users figure out if they saw Russian propaganda during the 2016 U.S. presidential election
So far, Google and Twitter have not detailed their plans.
November 23, 2017 at 09:32PM
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A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it...
Once there was this judge who just sentenced a man
The man asked the judge,
“Hypothetically, what would happen if I called you a motherfucker?”
The judge answered “If you were to call me a motherfucker, then I would sentence you for contempt to the court and you would spend the night in jail”
“Alright, said the man, but what if I was just thinking it?”
“I have no authority on what’s in your head. You’re free to think whatever you please.”
“In that case, your honor, I think that you’re a motherfucker.”...
(Slightly NSFW) Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.
Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.
Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."
Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."
The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request they go to the gold course. On the first tee the husband drives it 300 yards, dead center. The wife tries it and slices it right into a huge window of a huge house on the side of the course.
Husband says "ah shit....
Thứ Năm, 23 tháng 11, 2017
A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife...
They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead"....
I'll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day!
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
Almost on Saturday
Almost on Sunday.!...
A man called up his son and told him that he and his mother were getting a divorce...
"Wait", said the son. "Why?"
"I know I didn't say anything about it but I've been miserable for months now and I can't stand it anymore."
"No! Don't! Why didn't you ever say anything about this?"
"Well, I just didn't want to bother you and your sister. I've already got my bags and I'm going to a hotel. Your mom and I are looking to file our papers next week."
"No, don't do anything. We're going to come over tomorrow and see if we can work this out. Can you wait until tomorrow?"
"Well, ok. Maybe you and Mary should bring your kids too. Your mom...
A farmer drives to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocks on the door
A boy, about 9, opens the door.
"Is your Dad or Mom home?" asks the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stands there for a few minutes, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.
The young boy finally says, "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. If that’s not why you’re here, I can give Mom or Dad a message."
"Well." The farmer looks extremely uncomfortable. "I need to talk to your Dad about your brother,...
A son was arguing with his dad, insisting that 1+1 equals 11
The father then looked at his son's eyes and said:
-Right, then go and buy 2 popsicles!
His son then goes and buys 2 popsicles.
Then, his dad said:
-Now give me one and the other to your brother!
Son asks:
-What about mine?
Father answers:
-You can have the other nine left over, stubborn kid!...
Can You Spot The Leopard In This Photo?
Can You Spot The Leopard In This Photo?
In this picture, you probably see three goat-like animals called Himalayan blue sheep and a whole lot of rocks. But you probably don't see a snow leopard — at least not at first glance.
November 23, 2017 at 12:45AM
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A teenager lost a contact lens while playing in the driveway...
After a fruitless search, he went inside the house and told his mother he lost a lens and, try as he might, could not find it.
Undaunted, the mother went outside and in only a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing" she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150"....
A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident,
A Wellfleet man answered his door to find two grim-faced Harbor Master officers.
"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife,".
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.
One officer said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news"!
Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn. What could possibly be the good news?"
The officer...
A man sneezed during Joseph Stalin's speech
The audience, after first cheering their heads off at his arrival, sat hushed and silent, not wanting to make a sound to disturb the speech of their great leader. But then, someone in the audience let out a loud sneeze. Stalin stopped and looked around for the scoundrel that just disrupted his speech. "Which one of you sneezed?" said Stalin, obviously perturbed. But everyone is the audience was too paralyzed with fear to say anything. So Stalin said, "Very well. First row stand up!", and on that command the whole first row stood at attention....
if you commit a crime 90 times,
if you commit a crime 90 times, you'll only get caught 45 times . . . . because sin90=cot45...
Thứ Tư, 22 tháng 11, 2017
Sex with the priest's wife
Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to. Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest... "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The priest smiles, puts a brotherly...
Camouflage training at the military
Captain: I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING TODAY JOHNSON!!
Johnson: Thank you sir!...
The Picture in Her Mind
The Picture in Her Mind
In her famous essays on the Sixties and Seventies, Joan Didion surveyed a society on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Now, more and more, critics are re-reading what she wrote.
November 21, 2017 at 07:39PM
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A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too"....
Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing...
Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment....
Girl Trouble
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Fred...
Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?
His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house....
Thứ Ba, 21 tháng 11, 2017
Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18-year-old girl.”
Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18-year-old girl.”
The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”
Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”
Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”...
Divorced man gets 3 wishes
A man, who was recently divorced from his wife was roaming thru the desert randomly struck his foot on an ancient Arab lamp and WOOSH out comes a magical genie
[Genie] You have awoken me and now you may have 3 wishes....but remember anything that you wish for your ex wife will receive double!
[Man] OK, Genie, I want 50 million dollars!!
[Genie] Granted, but remember your ex wife will receive 100 millions dollars!
[Man] I don't care, shes gone and I'll have 50 million!
[Genie] Granted, what is your second wish
[Man] I want a mansion island house...
A young Italian couple get married,
Maria and Luigi, and they can only afford to spend their honeymoon night at Maria's Mama's house. Maria is a nervous virgin, but finally Mama 'shoos' her upstairs to be with her husband. Luigi is sitting on the bed admiring Maria, undressing her with his eyes. Maria runs downstairs to the kitchen where Mama is cooking spaghetti and screams, "Mama, Mama! He's a got such a wild a look in his eyes!" Mama says "Oh that's a good; it a means he's a passionate a man. You go on back up a stairs." When Maria gets back to Luigi, he has taken off his shirt...
We Have A New Favorite Japanese Game Show, And It's Called 'Slippery Stairs'
We Have A New Favorite Japanese Game Show, And It's Called 'Slippery Stairs'
We have a new favorite Japanese game show, which is really saying something.
November 21, 2017 at 01:59AM
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What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?
They both get close enough to smell the goods but if they eat it they'll be in trouble....
A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.
The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.
Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"
Again, wanting to be...
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...
The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits....
Why is everyone criticising EA?
I've only ever known EA as an excellent video game company and pioneer of the early home computer games industry. EA has always had my enjoyment as their primary concern and their community involvement is phenomenal.
($50 has been deposited into your Paypal account, remember to delete this part of the message before posting it)....
A virgin from a traditional family tells her grandmother she's going on her first date.
The grandmother says,
"Sit here and let me tell you about these young boys.
He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try to feel your breasts. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. Don't let him do that; it will disgrace our family."
Keeping this advice in mind, the virgin goes...
Thứ Hai, 20 tháng 11, 2017
My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris Pratt
I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt....
A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant
Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:
"Table for 8, please"
"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"
"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"
He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
"0, 1, 2, 3..."...
I was clinging for dear life on the edge of the cliff...
As the rescue team approached, one of the guys shouted, "Whatever you do, don't look down!"
So I started smiling......
Joke a friend sent me.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got...
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
He asks for a coke and a mango juice for his newt Tiny.
The bartender asks “Why is he called Tiny?”
And the man replies “Because he’s my newt!”
Edit: if you don’t get it, read it out loud.
Edit: minute-really small....
This Housewife's Scandalous Sex Memoir Was Banned by the Supreme Court
This Housewife's Scandalous Sex Memoir Was Banned by the Supreme Court
In "The Housewife's Handbook on Selective Promiscuity", forward-thinking author Lillian Maxine Serett a.k.a. Rey Anthony preached the joys of female pleasure. The government responded by seizing and destroying all copies.
November 20, 2017 at 02:58AM
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Sex after marriage
A girl and a boy meet at the discotheque and after a couple of dances it is obvious that they are really attracted to each other.
The boy asks the girl home and she accepts.
Once at home, nature being nature and the attraction being strong, after some kissing and petting, the boy makes some forceful advances.
The girl tells him “John I really find you physically attractive and even I want to do this, but we must wait”
John says “Mary you do not know how beautiful you are, I have some condoms in my pocket, and I cannot wait anymore”
Mary replies...
Chủ Nhật, 19 tháng 11, 2017
The Pope, Donald Trump, Angela Merkel, and a third grade child are flying on a small plane.
The pilot, Captain Heelspurs, runs into trouble and realizes they’re going to crash. He races to the cabin, grabs a parachute, and bails, hollering, “There are three parachutes left. You guys are on your own.”
Angela Merkel says, “Since I’m the leader of the free world now, I need to survive.” She takes a parachute and exits the plane.
Donald Trump says, “Well, I’m the smartest man in the world, so I get a parachute too,” and off he goes.
The Pope tells the third grader, “Don’t worry, my child. I’ve lived a long and miraculous life. You take the...
A businessman is going out of town for 3 weeks...
His wife is a total nympho and he knows that she will never be able to remain faithful for that long. In an attempt to quell her sexual appetite, he goes to a sex shop on the outskirts of town. He spends several minutes pouring over dozens of dildos, dongs, vibrators, and other toys. However, he knows that none of them will satisfy his wife for the entire duration of his trip. Defeated, he approaches the strange looking clerk and begins to explain his situation. The clerk reaches under the desk and pulls out a hand carved wooden box that is covered...
There was this tramp.
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down.
Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price -...
How Politics And Bad Decisions Starved New York's Subways
How Politics And Bad Decisions Starved New York's Subways
Disruptions and delays have roiled the system this year. But the crisis was long in the making, fueled by a litany of errors, a Times investigation shows.
November 19, 2017 at 01:13AM
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An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser.
Barman: Oh, you must be American. American: You can tell from my order and accent, huh? Barman: No, because you're the fattest fuck I've ever seen....
A London lawyer is driving
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense.
Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a...
Thứ Bảy, 18 tháng 11, 2017
Can I smell your pussy?
Oh well then it must be your feet.
Sorry for such a crude joke but this was my dad's favorite joke and he passed this morning. I hope you guys get a laugh or two it's what he would have wanted....
A German joke from 1944
How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian....
A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.
Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"...
My grandpa told me "All you kids do these days is play video games"...
"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn't pay for my drinks all night!"
The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm.
The grandfather asks, "What the hell happened to you?"
The grandson says, "I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on...
The New Tesla Roadster's Acceleration Doesn't Even Look Real
The New Tesla Roadster's Acceleration Doesn't Even Look Real
0-60 in 1.9 seconds and it shows.
November 17, 2017 at 10:23PM
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My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"
I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support....
A dick has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him....
Thứ Sáu, 17 tháng 11, 2017
[Long] First time buying condoms
When I was 16 years old, I bought my first pack of condoms. I was very nervous as I walked up to the pharmacists. She asked if it was my first time buying condoms. I told her it was.
"Do you know how it works or should I show you?" she asked
"I would like a demonstration", I replied.
The pharmacist took one condom out of the package and rolled it around her thumb. She told me to be very careful that it's very important to make sure it's secured well.
Then she looked around the store and noticed there was nobody else there. She quickly locked the...
After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange
She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What's up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."
Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."...
Grandpa Passed Recently. This Was His Favorite Joke
An older couple is driving across the country when they get pulled over by a cop - the husband is driving.
"Sir do you have any idea how fast you were going?" Says the police officer.
"What'd he say?!" the man's wife screams at him.
"We got pulled over for speeding!" Man yells back at his wife. She nods in understanding.
"May I see your license please?" The police officer asks the driver.
"What'd he say?!" the wife again screams at the driver.
"He wants to see my license!!" the man explains back to his wife. She again, nods in understanding.
The...
Terrorists
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Cars were at a stand still. Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $200 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone else giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Eh, Roughly...
An englishman, a Frenchman, a spaniard, and a German
Are all watching a really great street performer who was juggling.
The juggler realized that from where they were standing they couldn't see him very well. So the juggler stood on top of a wooden box. He asks if they can see him now.
"Yes" "Oui" "Si" "Ja"...
A taxi driver was being interrogated after an accident.
Police Officer: So, how did you kill 59 people?
Taxi Driver: I was driving at 80km/h, when I saw two men crossing the road. On the other side, a wedding was taking place. I hit the brakes, but they failed.
Police Officer: And?
Taxi Driver: So, I had to make the choice of either hitting the two men, or the wedding party.
Police Officer: You hit the two men, of course!
Taxi Driver: Exactly! We think alike! Problem was, after hitting one of the men, the other escaped to the wedding party, so I went after him....
Apology after train departs seconds early
Apology after train departs seconds early
Management on the Tsukuba Express line between Tokyo and the city of Tsukuba say they "sincerely apologise for the inconvenience" caused.
November 16, 2017 at 07:35PM
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The thirsty criminal
My grandpa told me this gem of a joke. Here it goes...
A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.
He is close to desperation when suddenly, he sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties.
'Hey you, do you have water?' Pants...
Thứ Năm, 16 tháng 11, 2017
Husband on second day of marriage :-
He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.
Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.
Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"...
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned....
What's the difference between EA and my uncle?
My uncle didn't take my money when he fucked me.
Edit: I've been refreshing the page and watching this post climb just in the hopes that I could link this.
Mission accomplished, I'm going to sleep....
A farmhand hits a pig with his truck
A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off.
About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the wiggling pig and dragged it out and threw...
Black Friday is coming up, so remember Retail language:
"Need help finding a size?" = Please stop fucking up my display
"I can put that back for you" = you're going to fuck up my display
"Let me hold your items for you" = So you dont leave this somewhere and fuck up a display...
Real Dog Jealously Watches Its Owner Pet A Fake Dog, Finally Snaps
Real Dog Jealously Watches Its Owner Pet A Fake Dog, Finally Snaps
"I gave you all my love, every day, and this is how you repay me?"
November 16, 2017 at 12:50AM
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Daddy, what are those two spiders doing," she asked?
Daddy, what are those two spiders doing," she asked? "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top," she asked? "A Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs," the little girl asked? As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs. The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat. "Well," she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're not having...
What do Hitler and EA have in common?
You are missing the Punchline Pack. Please purchase the Reddit Season Pass to reveal missing content...
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce
and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he...
Thứ Tư, 15 tháng 11, 2017
A Russian, a Mexican, and a Korean all show up to a construction site and get hired.
The boss says that for their first day on the job, the Russian is in charge of concrete, the Mexican is in charge of wood, and the Korean is in charge of supplies.
The boss then leaves and comes back a few hours later to check up on his new workers.
He walks over the Russian, and all the concrete mix is stacked up nice and orderly. The boss tells him "great work!" and moves on.
He walks up to the Mexican and sees that al the wood is stacked in a perfect pile, so he says "wonderful job!" and moves on.
He then looks around and sees that the Korean...
My 1st grader got home from school and asked me
"Dad, is 'hell' a bad word?"
And I told him, "Yes, that's a very bad word. You shouldn't even know about that word. Don't be saying that word, ok?"
My son agreed to not say it, but then asked, "But hello isn't a bad word, right?"
So I had to explain to him that "hell" and and "hello" were two different words with completely different meanings.
A few days later I got a call from his teacher saying I needed to have a conversation with my son concerning his language. She said my son won't stop saying "shitto"
Edit: This is actually a true story that...
The funniest joke I've heard happen organically.
I was sat in front of a couple I didn't know on the bus who were arguing. The girl was asking why the guy never made more of an effort romantically, but he's saying that it doesn't come naturally to him to make these big gestures. She keeps angrily saying he needs to be more spontaneous.
He says "I'm a guy, I can't just turn it on like a tap."
She says "Force it!"
He says "Fine, I can't just turn it on like a faucet".
Unsurprisingly, this didn't help. Neither did it help that the guy in front of them cracked up and turned around for a high fi...
The Cause and Consequences of the Retail Apocalypse
The Cause and Consequences of the Retail Apocalypse
Private equity firms overburdened businesses with debt, and now workers are paying the price. Will policymakers do anything about it?
November 14, 2017 at 10:53PM
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So the CEO of EA walks into a bar..
"I'll have a beer" he says, exasperated from the recent PR firestorm.
"That'll be $1" answers the barman.
"Woah" replies the CEO, "That's great value!"
"Sure is." the barman replies. "Would you like a glass with that?"...
Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a condom. Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said
"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."...
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