Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

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The whole world should be worried if North Korea has a missile that can hit New York...

...because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

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Dad: Go to your room!

Son: Jim Morrison sucks!

Dad: what did I tell you about slamming The Doors?

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body."

The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”

"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son…”

"Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?

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Why did the stingray have a chat with the scuba diver?

He wanted to have a manta-man talk

(I'm so sorry)

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I Want A Divorce

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."

The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"

"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."

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Masturbating before sex

A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

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My girlfriend left me because I’m too insecure and paranoid.

Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.

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Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

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Two monkeys entered a bath.

Monkey 1: Oooh oooh oooh aaah aaah aaah

Monkey 2: Calm down, it isn't that hot

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A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one.

Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police

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The other day I held a seminar on how to withhold orgasms.

Nobody came.

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'Bigfoot Erotica' Candidate (Kind Of) Responds To Drawing Kerfuffle, Insists He Doesn't Believe In Bigfoot

'Bigfoot Erotica' Candidate (Kind Of) Responds To Drawing Kerfuffle, Insists He Doesn't Believe In Bigfoot
The race for Virginia's 5th congressional district took an extremely weird turn over the weekend.

July 31, 2018 at 04:45AM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2AkEgdO

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Guy walks into a bar with an octopus...

and bets anyone in the bar $100 if they have a musical instrument his octopus can’t play he’ll pay them $10,000. A man immediately hops up with a harmonica, confident he had won the money. But the octopus shows expert skill with the harmonica, receiving a round of applause from the other patrons. Another man hesitantly proceeds with a banjo, laying it on a stool next to the octopus. The octopus eyed the man unwaveringly and reached for the instrument with a single tentacle and pulled it into a familiar position. The man already knew he was beaten before a note was played, not that it stopped the octopus from chopping down a bluegrass solo that elicited another round of applause from a now growing crowd. Then a third man placed a set of bagpipes at the foot of the octopus who had become silent and seemed to apprehend this instrument with a quiet awe. He inspected it closely, then pulled it to one side, then lifted it above and examined it from underneath. His partner now becoming worried leaned in, “Hurry up and play it! There’s a line of people with instruments out here we’re gonna make a fortune!” But the octopus remained diligently observing the bagpipes. “Play it? If I can figure out how to get these pajamas off I’m gonna fuck it!”

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks:

'Dad, what's Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,

'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies,

'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

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Kid 1: "Hey I bet you're still a virgin"

Kid 2: "Yeah I was a virgin until last night"

Kid 1: "As if"

Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister"

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister"

Kid 2: "You will in about nine months"

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Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

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Two women are smoking cigarettes outside...

...when all of a sudden, it starts to rain. One woman reaches into her pocketbook and pulls out a small square item. She tears it open and unfurls a condom, only to place it over her cigarette, which keeps it dry.

The other woman looks on in awe. “What is that thing? It’s genius! Normally I have to put out my smoke when it starts to rain - I have to get one of those!”

The first woman replies, “oh it’s just a condom. They sell them at the drug store around the corner.”

After work that day, the second woman hurries over to the drugstore and walks up to the pharmacist. “Excuse me sir, I’d like to buy some condoms.”

“Of course, ma’am! What size would you like?”

“Oh just one that will fit a camel”

Edit: a word

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Doctor, how can I live longer

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke?

No.

Do you eat too much?

No.

Do you go to bed late?

No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?

No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

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To the guy who stole my antidepresants,

I hope you're happy now

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A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.

God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.

She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance.

She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years!!

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

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Why do they call # hashtag and not pound

Because feminists wouldn’t appreciate PoundMeToo movement.

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What's the best thing about dating 26 year olds?

Honestly I'm looking for a persuasive answer, I need to tell my wife something convincing or she's going to straight up kill me.

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A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

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"Have you not got a girlfriend?" "No dad."

"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?

"No dad, not at all."

"Are you gay?

"No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies."

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'

The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'

The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'

The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'

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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a magnificent cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

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Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay”

Mom: looks at Dad

Dad: clenches fist

Mom: “don’t you dare!”

Dad: “hi gay, I’m Dad!”

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I told my wife she'd painted her eyebrows too high this morning

I don't know if she agreed but she seemed surprised

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I’m trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament for a while, but it is not easy.

Good players are hard to find.

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If Hillary Clinton won she would’ve been the first F president.

I didn’t say female because someone deleted the emale.

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A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room

He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

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How An Ex-Cop Rigged McDonald's Monopoly Game And Stole Millions

How An Ex-Cop Rigged McDonald's Monopoly Game And Stole Millions
Jerome Jacobson and his network of mobsters, psychics, strip club owners and drug traffickers won almost every prize for 12 years, until the FBI launched Operation ‘Final Answer.’

July 29, 2018 at 11:04PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2LAcpLG

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Why Some Guys Like Jerking Off Together

Why Some Guys Like Jerking Off Together
I went looking for other men who consider mutual masturbation an important sexual experience in its own right.

July 30, 2018 at 04:57AM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2AkwLDw

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"What did you think of my new Fibonacci joke?" the man asked.

"It was as bad as your previous two Fibonacci jokes combined," she taunted.

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Fifty dollars is fifty dollars!

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say," Esther, I'd like a ride in that helicopter". Esther replied,"I know Morris but that helicopter ride is $50, and $50 is $50.

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said," Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance!" To this Esther replied,"Morris that ride s $50, and $50 is $50!

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet the entire ride and not say a word, i'll not charge you! But, if you say one word it's $50.

Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all sorts of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed the pilot turned to Morris and said,"By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't! I'm impressed!"

Morris said "Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know $50 is $50!"

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I told my girlfriend that mom is deaf, so be sure to speak loud and slow…

Told mom that my girlfriend is retarded…

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A man died and went to heaven...

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “what are those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are repost-Clocks, every subreddit on Earth has a repost-Clock. Every time the sub reposts the hands on the clock will move.”

“Oh.” said the man, “Which clock is that?”

“That’s /r/originalcontent. The hands have never moved, indicating that there are no reposts there.”

“Incredible!” said the man. He then sees another clock and asks which clock it is.

“That’s /r/listentoobscure clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that the sub merely has two reposts.”

He then goes into Jesus's office and sees a fan. "What is that? There shouldn't be any electronic equipment in heaven right?"

"Of course not. That's the clock of /r/jokes."

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Tits are like Lego bricks.

They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today she killed a cockroach.

I said "Nice try."

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I don’t quite understand this hate against vegans.

I’ve never had a beef with them.

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One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of control and crashes into the lake.

Fishermen from around the lake start diving in, trying to rescue the driver, but the car has descended too far into the deep water.

The man steps up, and without a second thought, jumps in.

The fishermen watch as 30 seconds pass...

.

.

.

.

.

1 minute...

.

.

.

.

.

2 minutes...

.

.

.

.

.

3 minutes...

.

.

.

.

.

"He's gone", think the fishermen, "there's no way he can survive this long under water".

After 20 minutes, the emergency services finally arrive and the fishermen direct them to where the car went down.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, something bobs up to the surface... not one, but two people! The man had saved the driver!

As they pull themselves ashore, everyone gathers round in amazement. "How the hell did you manage to survive so long underwater and dive so deep?"

"Well, I'm retired now, but I have a lot of experience", replies the man, "I spent 35 long years as a sub-marine"

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I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just one dollar, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."

He shrugged and paused.

"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many fuckin' security cameras."

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I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

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My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening....

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Hey girl are you a newspaper?

Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day

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Hey girl, are you a fire alarm?

Because shut the fuck up.

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I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD

and found out I have Gary Busey

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A cop on a horse is talking to a little girl on a bike...

The cop asks the girl "did santa get you that?"

"Yes" the little girl replies

"Well next time tell him to put a reflector light on it" and the cop fines her £5

The girl, startled, replies "did santa get you that" and points at the horse

"He sure did" replied the cop, laughing

"Well tell him next time the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top of it"

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What do you call the moisture between two hillbillies having sex?

Relative humidity.

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A farmer is selling produce when a woman walks up to him and asks for some onions.

"Sorry, but we don't have onions here. How about some broccoli or peas?" he suggests.

The woman thinks about it for a moment, then says, "nah, do you have some onions instead?"

The farmer, slightly pissed off, says,"I already told you. We don't carry onions. What about some eggplants or mushrooms?"

Again, she thinks for a moment, then says: "nah, I'd just like some onions."

The farmer is now very angry. "Let's play a game," he says. "How do you spell 'carrot' without 'c'?"

The woman says, "Arrot."

"Good, and how do you spell 'lettuce' without 'l'?"

"Ettuce."

"Now how do you spell 'onions' without 'fuck'?"

The woman is confused. "But there is no 'fuck' in onions?"

"EXACTLY! THERE ARE NO FUCKING ONIONS!"

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Little Bobby goes to confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been reposting to /r/jokes."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Bobby?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And what joke was it that you reposted?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to spoil the joke for you."

"Well, Bobby, I'm sure to read it sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it 'deaf wife' or maybe one of the milder, such as 'monk doors', 'Sam, the singing monk' or 'the infinite mathematicians'?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it 'man helped girl in alley', 'flipped golf cart', 'golf genie', 'lawyer present' or 'squeezed balls'?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it 'parrot on a ship', 'parrot in freezer' or perhaps even 'parrot from brothel'?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot."

"Was it perhaps a pun? Like 'square root of -100', 'monocles in a bar', 'hungry whales' or 'pulling my leg'?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it 'lion and dog', then? Or did you repost 'epileptic bath', 'Sahara lumberjack'? Don't tell me you reposted 'Dave'!"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

"If it was one of the dirtier jokes, like 'thumb condom', 'upvote anal', 'old timer outside sex', or 'diagnostic computer', you should tell me now."

"Father, I will not give you more than this."

The priest sighs in frustration. "If it's not any of them, it's still new to me. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Bobby walks back to his pew, and his friend Johnny slides over and whispers, "Well what'd you get?"

Bobby says "Four months vacation and a lot of material."

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What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma'am,

We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:

Illegal Downloading

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My first time buying condoms at the age of 16

I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time." She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight. I still looked confused. She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was. "Just a minute." she said and locked the door. She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra. "You like these?" I could only nod my head. She said to put the condom on. As I was putting it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down. "Come on." she said. "We don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so amazing that I couldn't hold back and KAPOW! I was done in two minutes! She looked at me concerned and asked, "Did you put the condom on?" I said, "I sure did!" ...and held up my thumb to show her.

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A man gets a phone call from his wife's doctor

Doctor: sir, we've narrowed your wife's illness down to two things. She either has Alzheimer's or AIDS.

Man: Well how are we supposed to know which?

Doctor: Take her for a drive, drop her off 30 minutes from your house and if she comes home don't fuck her.

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A man dies and arrives at the gates of heaven.

St Peter welcomes him with "this is the gate to eternal happiness, to enter you must tell me a selfless action you did in your life on earth."

The man thinks for a while and replies "Well there was this one time... this kid knocked over some motor cycles and a group of angry drunken bikers came out threatening to kill him. Naturally I felt bad for the kid so I stepped in to stop them. I asked for the leader of the group and told him we were gonna settle it like men."

St Peter was impressed "Wow! When did this happen?"

Looking at his watch the man responds "about 35 seconds ago."

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I was arrested for killing a black man

and charged with impersonating an officer

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Why are fish poorly educated?

All the schools are below C level.

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A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

"Joe, you know that's not going to help you," she said

"Oh it helps a lot," he replies. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

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Hey girl, are you a broken compass?

Because I’m not really sure where I’m going with this

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little Johnny goes to confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "Well what'd you get?"
Johnny says "Four months vacation and five good leads..."

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Every Major Diet Soda, Ranked By How (un)Healthy They Are

Every Major Diet Soda, Ranked By How (un)Healthy They Are
Spoiler alert: They're all just fizzy cancer juice.

July 27, 2018 at 08:33PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2OnXn9O

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A man walks into a brothel

He's a little down on his luck and only has $5. He asks the woman at the front desk,

"So what can I get with this?" and hands her the $5.

She takes the money and says, "Second door on the left."

The man goes to the room and sees a chicken on the bed. He's confused and searches the room for a woman. He fails to do so and looks at the chicken.

"Well, I guess it's better than nothing." He proceeds to have sex with the chicken. Turns out it was the best he's ever had.

A week later he comes back with $1.

"So, uhh, what can I get for this?"

The woman at the front desk says, "First room on the left."

He walks into the room and sees a bunch of guys crowded around a hole in the wall. He gets a chance to peek through and sees two sexy lesbians getting it on.

"Man, they're really going at it," he says, "This is pretty crazy."

One guy from the crowd says, "Oh that's nothing. You should have been here last week, there was a dude fucking a chicken."

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A mom is driving her 6 year old daughter to her friend's house when...

the daughter asks "Mom, how old are you? The mother replies "That's not a polite question to ask a lady, dear." Undaunted, the daughter asks "Okay, but how much do you weight?" Again the mother replies "Honey, that's a very impolite question!" Persistently, the daughter asks "Okay mom, one last question. Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That is a very rude questions!" Says the mom, exacerbated, "That's enough from you, young lady!"

Later, the daughter tells her friend about the conversation she had with her mom and the friend has a suggestion: "Take a look at her driver's license," says the friend, "It's like a report card for adults. It has all that stuff on it!"

Later that night, the daughter says to her mom "I know how old you are. You are 34! And you weigh 140 pounds!"

"How in the world did you know that?" The mother says, shocked.

"I also know why daddy divorced you!" says the daughter, triumphantly.

"And why's that?!" says the mother.

"You got an F in sex"

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Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced...

and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with. "So, is it Mama or Papa?" the Judge asks. "Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear. "Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge. "I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear. "Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge. "Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

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The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

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A woman gets cheated on by her husband...

Distraught, she decides to visit a wise old monk who lives alone up in the mountains.

After a few days of travelling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him and to take care of him. And now he has left me for a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I am so lost and I don't know what to do".

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the cookie delicious?"

"Yes"- she answers.

"Do you want another one?"

"Sure, please".

The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?"

The woman thinks for a while, and slowly comes to a realization. "It is in human nature to be greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. Nothing will be good enough, and nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanence. We should be aware and not be disappointed by our very nature".

The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean you are too fat and you should eat less."

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[NSFW] A blind girl gave a handjob last night and said I had the biggest dick she ever put her hands on.

I said nah, your just pulling my leg.

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101 lemmings walk into a bar

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

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Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

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Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

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Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

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Ouch.

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Ouch.

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Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

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Ouch.

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Ouch.

Ouch.

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Ouch.

Ouch.

Ouch.

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I asked 100 women what their favourite brand of shampoo was...

The top reply was: How the fuck did you get in here?

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Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

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Two chemists walk into a bar..

"I'll have H2O," one says.
"I'll have H20, too," says the other.

Neither die, because the bartender understands the context.

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Little Joey Confesses

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father! I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads..."

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I decided not to vaccinate my daughter...

I let the nurse do it instead; she's much more adept with a syringe.

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One day little Johnny goes up to his grandad and asks, "Grandad, what's a cunt?"

The grandad looks at him for a while then goes and gets one of his old porno mags. He flips it open, pages through and leaves it open on a picture of a naked woman posing.

"You see those two stars up there on top and that little black bar down below Johnny?"

"Yes."

"Well the person who put them there is a cunt."

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War - Canada vs. USA

Newfoundland, Canada, declares war on the U.S.A!!!

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Donald said, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Donald paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment! We have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."

President Trump sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above," said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. "President Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Donald was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins, Lord tunderin! Two million, ye say!!" said Archie, l'll have at call youse back." Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Trump! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Donald. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

“Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"

"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."

"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"

"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender

"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"

"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"

"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches

Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.

The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"

The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"

The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.

A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"

"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

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The CIA is interviewing three potential agents

The CIA is interviewing three potential agents -- two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what," says the interviewer.

"Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

"You can't be serious," the man says. "I could never shoot my wife."

"Then you're not the right man for the job," says the interviewer.

The second man is given the same instructions. Five minutes later, he emerges with tears in his eyes and says, "I can't do it."

Finally, the woman is given the test, but with her husband. She takes the gun and enters the room. Shots are heard, then screaming, crashing, and banging. After a few minutes, she comes out and wipes the sweat from her brow.

"You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks," she says. "I had to beat him to death with the chair leg."

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This Is What Happened When I Asked My Friends To Rate Me

This Is What Happened When I Asked My Friends To Rate Me
Don't like your Uber rating? Well, in a not-so-distant future, you just might have a score for everything else in your life.

July 26, 2018 at 09:24PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2LBvn3H

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I caught my wife using Tinder last night.

Needless to say, I swiped left on that cheating bitch.

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At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.”

“Great,” he said “ I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.

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During World War 2, three generals were arguing over who had the best soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.

“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”

“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.

He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches.

“See, British soldiers are the bravest.”

“That’s nothing” said the Russian General

“Comrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.”

“Da, Comrade General!”

The russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl.

“Nobody more brave than Russian soldier.”

The American general, unimpressed said “Let me show you all what real courage is.”

He calls one of his men over.

“Private! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!”

Without hesitation, the American soldier flips him the bird and says

“Go fuck yourself, General.”

“See! Now that takes some real balls!”

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My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch, it might be me.

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A man was sun bathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A women walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself."

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A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"

The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.

When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"

The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

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It was a dark, stormy, night.

The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”

Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”.

The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?”

The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded “Sir, an amazing night, Sir!”

The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, It is the best, Sir!”

The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.”

The Private simply said “Sir, Good trade Sir!”

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Just asked Siri.

"Surely it's not going to rain today?"

She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"

...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

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Grandpa was summoned for an audit.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’

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A man died and went to heaven...

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “what are those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh.” said the man, “Whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible!” said the man.

“That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, tellings us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s Donald Trump's clock?”

“Trump's clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan."

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Proper etiquette is important.

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for high-schoolers, the teacher said to her students:

“If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the restroom, what would you say to her?”

Mike raised his hand and replied: “Wait a minute, I’m going for a piss.”

The teacher said: “That would be very rude and improper on your part.”

Charlie replied: “I’m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute.”

The teacher says: “That’s much better, but to mention the word ”toilet” during a meal is unpleasant.”

Then Johnny chimed in: “My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner.”

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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.

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What’s 6.9

Something great, ruined by a period

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A blonde called her boyfriend and said, Please come over here and help me

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”

He took her hand and said, “Second, I’d want you to relax… Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…”

He sighed, “let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

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Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week

surrounded by his family

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The Big Business Of Being Gwyneth Paltrow

The Big Business Of Being Gwyneth Paltrow
Inside the growth of Goop — the most controversial brand in the wellness industry.

July 25, 2018 at 08:11PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2v5sgGS

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Girls can’t stop talking about my huge dick

All week I’ve been hearing “what a huge dick” every time someone mentions me

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A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity"

"Get married," replies the Rabbi.

"Is that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"

"Not really, but the desire will disappear."

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A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer"

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer " The policeman disperses the crowd and begins to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman :" Tell me what happened. "

The suspect :" Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to crash the car into a group of 12 people or to swerve into a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person? "

Policeman :" No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision. But tell me how did you end up killing 13 people? "

Suspect :" Well that selfish guy ran towards the other 12."

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When no one answers your r/AskOuija

You do it ___

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A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

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My physics teacher told me I had potential.

Then he threw me off the roof.

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Two blondes walk into a bar

You’d think the second one would have ducked

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If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

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A black man and a white man walk into a bakery

The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the white, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The white man says to the black man, "That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The white man swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the white man swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"

The white man replies, "Look in the black mans back pocket....."

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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.

"Ok, Ok. I was at a friends house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?."

Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.

son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

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Marketing Explained...

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed". That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed". That's Advertising.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed". That's Brand Recognition.

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One guy wrote on his FB status:

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:

"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"

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A good bar joke that always makes women laugh

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean.

So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating.

Jack asked, "Son, what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??

His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!"

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Why do special Ed classes always start late

Because everyone is a little tardy.

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I recently left my job after I came into a large sum of money.

Or as the bank tells it, I was fired for ejaculating in the safe.

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Three women are about to be executed for crimes...

One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around.
She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

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My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?

Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

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The only thing Flat-Earthers fear

Is sphere itself.

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Three redditors link up for the weekend and hit a brothel outa town.

They walk into the venue and take a seat. The Madame greets them and rings a bell... Out come three scantily clad girls.

"You should know", says the Madame, "to give the client a 'real experience', we don't use condoms here".

The redditors look at each other for a second, then nod and agree to carry on.

"You should know", continues the Madame, "as a consequence, all of our girls have many children".

The redditors give each other an uncertain look, before the Madame continues...

"You should know, you might want to avoid anal. The girls are all suffering from a bad ass infection at the moment."

Two of the redditors watch in horror as one guy gets up and disappears into a room with all three girls!

"What the hell is he doing?" asks one of the redditors.

"Well..." shrugs the other one, "he is OP... username checks out"

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I Tried Ketamine To Treat My Depression. Within A Day, I Felt Relief

I Tried Ketamine To Treat My Depression. Within A Day, I Felt Relief
How the veterinary anesthetic and recreational drug saved me from suicidal thoughts.

July 24, 2018 at 09:02PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2mKN5E9

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An old Jew is walking along, sees a lamp, picks it up and rubs it...

A genie pops out and says, "For freeing me I will grant you one wish."

The old Jew pulls out a map and points to it. "You see this area? This is called the Middle East. There's been nothing but death, destruction and bloodshed for thousands of years. Could you do something about that?"

The genie thinks a moment and replies, "Even with my great powers, I cannot do this. Is there something else I can do for you?"

"Well," says the man "my wife and I have been marries for over 35 years and she's never given me a blowjob. Do you think you could...you know... get her to do that for me?"

The genie pauses and says, " Lemme take another look at that map."

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A dentist is terrified of women

A dentist's father raised his son alone since his wife had cheated on him. He always told his son to avoid women like the plague.

One day, a beautiful woman is shown in to the dentist's exam room. She is quite flirtatious with the dentist and makes no secret of the fact that she's interested.

She asks the dentist if he'd like to go out sometime.

"I'm flattered," he says, "but I don't date. My father warned me about women."

"What do you mean?" she asks.

"Well, women just want to seduce you and get you in bed. Then they bite your penis off with the teeth in their vagina!"

The woman laughs and assures the dentist that no such thing is true, but he doesn't believe her.

To prove her point, she hoists her skirt up, pulls back her panties, and shows him. "See? No teeth!"

"No wonder," the dentist says. "Look at the condition of those gums!"

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Skinny irish man and a black guy in an elevator

Skinny little Irish man goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irish man staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irish man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irish man says: 'Turner Brown?! .... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!!!!

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A passenger airliner just landed at Glasgow airport...

...and after coming to a halt, the Pilot does his customary speech, but forgets to switch the intercom off.

The Co-pilot asks the Pilot what he has got planned for the rest of the evening, and the Pilot replies, "First up I am going for a shite and then I am gonnae ride the arse off that new wee stewardess" , unaware every passenger has just heard him.

The wee stewardess is mortified and starts to run up to the cockpit to confront him, but trips and falls right before the cockpit door. A wee Glasgow women helps her up and says, "Take yer time love, he`s going fur a shite first"

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They finally figured out why the computerized self driving car has crashed...

They didn't install the driver.

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I was walking around the city when i saw a man in a turban shaking his carpet on his balcony.

I shouted at him: "What's wrong, it isn't starting?"

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Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

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It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

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Why do only 2 Mexicans cross the border at a time?

Because the sign says no trespassing.

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After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?

My penis ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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My kid says he came up with this one: A guy goes to interview for IKEA...

The manager says “Welcome! Come in and make a seat.”

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At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants. At age 12, success is having friends. At Age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 35, success is having money.

At age 50, success is having money.

At age 60, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not peeing in your pants.

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A man in the bar.

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that aftershave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You BASTARD... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother.” By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.

"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

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So I lost my mood ring yesterday...

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

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Having sex while camping is NOT for the faint of heart.

It’s fuckin’ in tents

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The Untold Story Of Otto Warmbier, American Hostage

The Untold Story Of Otto Warmbier, American Hostage
President Trump hailed him as a catalyst of the summit with Kim Jong-Un. But what happened to Warmbier — the American college student who was sent home brain-damaged from North Korea — is even more shocking than anyone knew.

July 23, 2018 at 07:03PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2A3wl4j

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I'm dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex.

She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.

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"The price of doing business at the Vet's office"

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

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I asked my wife “Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?”

She said “I don’t like calling you at work.”

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A man was out on a fishing trip

When suddenly, he dropped one of his oars into the water, frustrated that he couldn't get the boat moving, he decided to seek help.

He saw someone with two beautiful women on his boat who also had a spare oar. "Excuse me, may I borrow one of your oars?" he yelled. The man appeared offended, "thems ain't 'ores, thems me sisters!"

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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners . ‘

‘Go away!’ said the old lady. ‘I’m broke and haven’t got any money!’ and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ‘Don’t be too hasty!’ he said. ‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’ And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ‘If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.’

The old lady stepped back and said, ‘Well let me get you a fork, ’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.

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With a grim look on his face, my doctor told me I had onomatopoeia. Breaking in to a cold sweat, I gasped, “What’s that?!”

He whispered, “It’s exactly what it sounds like.”

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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

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I am a programmer. A journalist asked me what makes a software code bad. I said...

No comment

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The mother took her young daughter to a psychiatrist and explained to the headshrinker that the girl thought she was a chicken. The doctor soothed her, observing that an overactive imagination is not uncommon in children, and asking how long the girl had suffered from the delusion.

"Almost two years," said the mother. "Your daughter has imagined she is a chicken for nearly two years?!" the psychiatrist exclaimed. "Why have you waited so long before bringing her in?" The woman looked embarrassed, then confessed: "We needed the eggs, doctor."

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Haven't seen this joke on here yet, it's my favorite.

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!".

She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?".

The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!".

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My wife handed me two kayak paddles and asked, "Which one do you want?"

I said I'd take either/oar.

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A successful businessman is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass.

He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?"

The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option."

The businessman thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house."

The man, very grateful, replies, "Yes! That would be nice. Thank you so much, sir." He points at the end of the road and says, "There's another family of 5 there. They also haven't eaten in a long time! Would you mind if they come along as well?"

The businessman says, "Sure, as long as they can fit in my car. My house isn't far down this road so it shouldn't be a problem. Besides, I haven't mowed my lawn in months."

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Courtesy of my 5 year old god son: knock knock

Who’s there ? Broken pencil Broken pencil who? Never mind it’s pointless

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Tom, Dick, and Harry were in a bar

Talking through the late hours of the night into the morning. A little after midnight they got into an argument over the difference between irritation, anger, and frustration. Finally Tom bets the other two $50 that he can demonstrate that with just three phone calls. So they take the bet. They all walk to the pay phone on the street. "Listen carefully, this is irritation," says Tom, picking up the phone and dialling a random number. "Hello, is Charlie there?" he asked. "Charlie? I don't know any Charlie, why are you calling at this time of night?" Came the irate reply. "Oh, sorry" said Tom, hanging up. "Now let me show you anger" he said, picking up the phone and dialling the same number again. "Hello, is Charlie there?" He asked. "I just told you there's nobody like that here!! Stop calling and let me sleep!" Said the now angry man. "Oh, I'm sorry"said Tom and hung up. "And now I'll show you frustration" he said picking up the phone and dialling the same number. "Hello," he asked. "This is Charlie. Have there been any calls for me?"

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The FBI Released Records On Carter Page Surveillance. It Thought He Was Being Recruited By Russia

The FBI Released Records On Carter Page Surveillance. It Thought He Was Being Recruited By Russia
This makes some of those Nunes memo claims even more dubious.

July 23, 2018 at 02:10AM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2LGyWTg

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My cousin was hospitalized after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum

Doctors described his condition as stable.

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Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor

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A guy looking for a fight...

A guy looking for a fight walks into a biker bar and shouts, "Donald Trump is an asshole."

The biggest guys in the bar gets in his face and warns him, "You better watch what you say around here."

"Why? Are you a Trump supporter?"

"No, I'm an asshole."

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Make sure your viagra says "Made in the USA"...

We don't want Russia meddling in our erections.

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A woman walks into a butcher shop

"How much for the pig's head?"

"Ma'am, that's a mirror"

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On his 25th wedding anniversary, a man asks his wife if she ever cheated on him

"I've cheated on you three times" she says.

"When was the first?" he asks

"Well, remember 20 years ago when you wanted to start your business but no bank would give you a loan, then miraculously one bank did? It was no miracle. I fucked the bank manager."

The husband said "Well, if it weren't for that, I'd have no business. I think it was a worthy cause. When was the second time?"

"Remember when you were framed for murder and no lawyer would take your case, and then one miraculously did and got you aquitted? It was no miracle, I fucked the lawyer."

"Well, if it weren't for that, I'd be in jail. Thank you. When was the third time?"

"Remember when you wanted to be the president of the golf association but you were 52 votes short?"

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A man wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts through the door of a bank

"Go to the back and give me everything you've got!" the man says.

The woman replies, "Sir, this is a mistake, this is a SPERM bank."

"I don't give a shit, you go get me what I told you!"

The woman goes to the back and comes out carrying a tray full of sperm samples.

"Open one of those samples!"

The woman takes the lid off a sample.

"DRINK ONE!"

"Excuse me? You want me to drink it?"

"Yeah, drink it now!"

The woman, frightened, picks up the sample and drinks it down. The man then removes his ski mask and says:

"You see you can do it Wendy, you just don't want to."

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During meditation, a monk asks his master… “Master. If a man shaves his ass, is he gay?”

His master thought for a moment and replied: “A man who cleans his house, clearly expects a visitor.”

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Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb.

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

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3 unwritten rules of life...

1.

2.

3.

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So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "caution, I'm a maneater".

I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "excuse me, Miss... about your shirt"

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted; "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men.. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said; "That's actually not what I was going to say at all."

"Oh.." she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?"

"That's not how you spell manatee."

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After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came in.

And whispered the 5 words that no man ever wants to hear - "Who the fuck was that?"

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Two guys and a girl become shipwrecked on a deserted island...

...but fortunately there is plenty of food and fresh water. Over the next few months, they build a little community: all three craft little huts out of sticks and leaves, and they fairly split up all the tasks and chores essential to their survival. They even build a little church where they go to pray every Sunday.

But after a little while, everyone gets, well, restless. To be blunt, they're all horny and have no sexual outlets. Being devoutly religious people, pre-marital sex is out of the question.

So, they come up with a system. The woman marries one of the men for a week, then gets a divorce and marries the other man for a week. They just go back and forth like this. This way, each of the guys get seven days full of sex every other week, and the girl gets laid whenever she wants.

This situation works out great, and their three-person community is thriving. But after eight months of this, the woman gets bit by a poisonous snake and dies.

The first week is really rough. The second week is even worse. The third week is just plain terrible. The fourth week is practically unbearable. So on the fifth week, they decide to bury the body.

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Two hunters are tracking a deer when they stumble upon a deep hole...

They can’t see the bottom of this hole and were wanting to see how deep it went. One of the hunters found an anvil next to the hole and threw it down. They were waiting to hear the thud of the anvil hitting the ground but they didn’t hear anything. Suddenly, the hunters heard a charging sound. The hunters turned around and see a goat charging at them going at least 20 mph. They jump out of the way and barely dodge the charging goat. It fell into the hole. Walking away, somewhat distraught, they met a farmer walking around. The farmer asked if either of the hunters saw a goat around there. One of the hunters said “ya, it charged right past me and I dodged it and the goat fell into the hole.” “That’s weird,” said the farmer, “I tied him to an anvil.”

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Someone made a post offending handicapped people, but I didn’t reply.

The comments were disabled.

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“This is 911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asked.

“I masturbate too much,” the man replied.

“Sir, that’s not really a problem,” the operator said.

The man shouted, “Did you hear that, Mom? Now get off my case.”

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How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

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Driver For Uber And Lyft Live-Streamed Hundreds Of Riders On Twitch Without Their Consent

Driver For Uber And Lyft Live-Streamed Hundreds Of Riders On Twitch Without Their Consent
An Uber and Lyft driver in St. Louis, Missouri has given around 700 rides since March 2018, and nearly all of them have been live-streamed on Twitch, without passenger consent.

July 22, 2018 at 02:44AM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2zZUTev

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There are 3 Spies that get captured.

One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and torture him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know. They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing. 4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell. The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk. The Italian spy responds, " I wanted to!, but I couldn't move my hands!".

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Two fish are in a tank

Then one of them turns to the other and asks, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom she has missed her period for 1 month. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."

"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You. Fuck her again."

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I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back

Apparently, that is an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

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"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

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Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."

He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.

"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidetnally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."

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A lawyer is at an airport and starts feeling really bored while waiting for his flight. He notices that he’s sitting next to a blonde woman.

She’s reading a book. He assumes that the woman is an idiot because she’s a blonde.

“Hey, I want to play a game. I’ll ask you a question, and then you ask me a question, and we’ll see who answers the most right.”

“Thanks but no thanks, I’m trying read this book.”

“How about this, if we don’t know the answer, we’ll give each other $5?”

The blonde woman shakes her head.

“How about you give me $5 if you don’t know the answer and I give you $500 if I don’t know the answer.”

The blonde woman shrugs, “Alright.”

“What countries neighbor Tajikistan?”

The woman gives him $5 and he laughs.

“What has 12 legs at birth but loses 1 every time it rains?”

The lawyer looks at her with a confused expression. He repeats the question to himself multiple times and starts to look it up on the internet. The woman goes back to reading while the lawyer reads every single website he could find. He spent hours searching and started calling friends and family members to see if they knew. Eventually, his flight arrived. The lawyer sighed in defeat and handed the woman $500. She smiled and took his money.

“So what’s the answer?”

She gave him $5.

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What's the difference between a cheetah and a comma?

A cheetah has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause

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How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently not 17, cause my basement is still dark.

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A mother and a son walk into a doctor's office

Because the son has been doing very poorly in his classes.

The mother says to the doctor "I think my son has become stupid."

The doctor says in reply "How do you suppose that would happen?"

"I'm sure it had something to do with those vaccines he got last year." said the mom.

"Ah-ha! That's it!" said the doctor.

"The vaccines caused it?"

"No, it's genetic."

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Did you hear about what happened to the really offensive joke about cows?

[remooved]

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A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.

"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed.

"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.

"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!"

"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

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People who are offended when I breast feed in public need to shut the fuck up.

What I’m doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog

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As my cum dribbled down my girlfriend’s chin I looked her in the eyes and said, “Do you like that?”

“No”, she replied, “what the fuck is in this sandwich?”

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Why I’m No Longer a Russiagate Skeptic

Why I’m No Longer a Russiagate Skeptic
Facts are piling up, and it's getting harder to deny what's staring us in the face.

July 20, 2018 at 07:09PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2uMr1wl

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My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language

She says it's private.

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On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately…

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!”

The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”

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I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta.

Now I have a Ford Focus.

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If a ring for a toe is a toe ring...

Then shouldn't a ring for a finger be a fingering

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I called “Shotgun” long before anyone else did, but I had to still sit in the back seat.

I hate cops.

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A woman walked into a pharmacy...

...and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The woman then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license; they'll throw you and me in jail. Just leave and forget you ever came in here before I call the police

The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is stuck. She throws a rope around the horse’s neck, and slams on the accelerator, saving the horse from sinking in the puddle.

A few days go by and they are playing in the field again. This time, the hen gets stuck.

Hen: “Help, go get the car like I did for you and help me out!”

The horse, realizing there isn’t much time since the hen is much smaller than he, stretches out over the length of the puddle.

Horse: Reach up and grab hold of my ‘thing’.

The hen obliges, and the horse starts to stand straight up to pull his friend out of the puddle.

The moral of this story is: If you’re hung like a horse, then you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

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My ADD always beats me when I’m trying to do my homework.

The dyslexia doesn’t help either.

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Paddy broke his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin'?"

Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"

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They say the brain is the most important part of the body...

But think about who’s telling us that.

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An ugly guy enters a bar with a big grin on his face.

Bản tóm tắt này không có sẵn. Vui lòng nhấp vào đây để xem bài đăng.

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My friend told me he lost 20 lbs after one visit to the bathroom

Turned out he was full of shit

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An Australian ventriloquist is visiting Afghanistan.

One day he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your goat?"

Villager: (in a panic) "The goat's a liar!"

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What are gay Triceratops into?

Tricerabottoms.

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We had a band in High School called 1023 Megabytes.

We never made it to a gig.

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I told my friend to subscribe to r/jokes.

He said, “But the jokes are garbage.”

I said, “They aren’t garbage, they’re recycled!”

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Make sure you're viagra says Made in the USA

You don't want the Russians meddling in your erections

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How to Survive America's Kill List

How to Survive America's Kill List
When a US citizen heard he was on his own country's drone target list, he wasn't sure he believed it. After five near-misses, he does – and is suing the United States to contest his own execution.

July 20, 2018 at 12:01AM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2uxibmC

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How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It takes two, very tiny people, to screw, in a lightbulb.

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If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian..

then soviet

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By popular demand, we now have a discord server. Join this

Guaranteed reposts.

https://discord.gg/66qyTgJ or https://discord.gg/jokes

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Getting Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

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A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the water, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.

"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.

"How could you possibly know what kind of ship it was?" replied the pilot.

"It was a dictatorship."

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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body in combination with smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving such a lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

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My wife has left me because I'm a gambler.

How can I win her back?

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All of my friends told me that 'icy' is the easiest word to spell. And after looking at it...

I see why.

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My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

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My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away.

Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.

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Why are christians not able to do trigonometry?

Because Jesus took away their sin.

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If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together

would they call it Amazon Web Services?

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I don’t get why people say cancer is hard to beat

I’m already on Stage 4

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Bad experience buying a dog from a Blacksmith

as soon as i got him home he made a bolt for the door.

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Wife Missing?

The first thing a grieving husband should do is CALL THE COPS!

Husband: "My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!" Sheriff: "Height?" Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall." Sheriff: "Weight?" Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat." Sheriff: "Color of eyes?" Husband: "Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed." Sheriff: "Color of hair?" Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember." Sheriff: "What was she wearing?" Husband: "Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly." Sheriff: "What kind of car did she go in?" Husband: "She went in my truck." Sheriff: "What kind of truck was it?" Husband: "A 2016 Brilliant Diesel Grey Pearlcoat Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4 l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, backup and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting." At this point the husband started choking up. Sheriff: "Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!!!"

(Thanks to Ron P.)

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A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.

"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."

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A Bus filled with Catholic School girls droves off a cliff

A bus filled with Catholic school girls goes off a cliff and they all die. 

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Erica, have you ever had any contact with a penis? She giggles and shyly replies, "I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Sarah, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

Suddenly there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Ashley, What is going on here?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

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Doctor [looking at my x-rays] : this is exactly what I was afraid of.

Me: What?

Doctor: Skeletons

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Why was Donald Trump watching the Summer Olympics?

To see how high the Mexican pole vaulters could go

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Elon Musk Gives Half-Assed Apology to Cave Diver He Called a Pedophile

Elon Musk Gives Half-Assed Apology to Cave Diver He Called a Pedophile
Musk's half-hearted apology came in the form of a response to another person's tweet. That tweet defends Musk's actions in Thailand and claims that "journalism is dead." The tweet also links out to a Quora post that describes media coverage of Musk as a "fake news" conspiracy.

July 19, 2018 at 12:18AM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2LiOqji

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What classic game do Hawaiian kids love the most?

The floor is lava.

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Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What’s in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!"

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

The next day, the same thing happens.

The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.

He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.

Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

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My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

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