He claims he wasn’t that much into her anyways....
Thứ Tư, 31 tháng 10, 2018
Three Russian men are sitting together in a train headed to the Gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West....
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, "Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I've never seen his kind before!" So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic...
As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm... That was some good lion meat!"
The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can!" and then runs away.
Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return.
So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened.
The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my...
A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They both look really depressed.
The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed."
"What a conicidence" he said. "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too."
They start talking and after a few more drinks they decide to go to the woman's apartment for some kinky sex.
When they arrive at her apartment she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more uncomfortable. She comes out of the bathroom with a tight black leather outfit, holding a whip and handcuffs. Then she hurries...
A plane went down over the ocean, and three of the survivors end up stranded on a remote tropical island.
They don't get very far before a tribe of cannibals capture them and bring them back to their village as prisoners. One of the men says "Please don't eat us! We'll do anything!". The cannibal's chief decides to have a bit of fun with them and says "Oh? Well then, go into the forest and come back with 10 pieces of the same fruit." So the men break off and search for fruit.
First one comes back with a 10 apples. The chief says "If you can shove those up your ass without making a sound, we wont eat you." He barely fits the one before he whimpers...
This Is Not What You Expect To Find When You Haul Your Fishing Net Out Of The Ocean
This Is Not What You Expect To Find When You Haul Your Fishing Net Out Of The Ocean
This might explain why the net felt really, *really* heavy.
October 31, 2018 at 02:43AM
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Trump book
Today I was at the bookstore; as I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me.
I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"...
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead...
Thứ Ba, 30 tháng 10, 2018
A stormy night.
A loud knocking on the door wakes a man and his wife in the middle of a stormy night. The man opens the door to a stranger, who asks him for a push.
"No way!" says the husband, slamming the door shut in the stranger's face.
"Who was that?" calls his wife. "Just some drunk asking for a push", he answers, "it's 3 am and pouring heavily out there!" " You should be ashamed", his wife replies, "don't you remember that time when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? You should go and help him."
Sighing, the man pulls on his coat and heads...
Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm
Bartender says "what's up with the octopus?" Guy says "this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him." There's a band on the stage, so the guitar player walks up and puts down his guitar. Tentacles start flying, and the guitar starts making the most beautiful sounds you ever heard from a guitar in your life. Sax player walks up and puts down his saxophone. Tentacles start flying, and the next thing you know, he's playing the saxophone like a master. At the back of the bar is an old Scottish man, who walks up in his kilt...
A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband:
"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment".
The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great"....
A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.
As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."
I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believe it, he didn't do a single thing wrong. I'm going to pull him over and let him know."
He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says "Sir, I'm sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed,...
TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can't feel it anymore
and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills....
A duck walks into a bar...
One lunchtime a duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and an all day breakfast.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Fucking hell! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my fry up please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the...
The Last Apocalypse Of Romaine Fielding
The Last Apocalypse Of Romaine Fielding
The story of an entertainer, a charlatan, a socialist visionary who made (and lost) America's first apocalyptic, dystopian, science-fiction feature film.
October 29, 2018 at 08:32PM
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Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach... NSFW
When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital.
At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one failing. The doctor has an idea, turns to the husband and says, "We will coat your penis with honey, you insert it into your wife. When you feel the wasp on your head, slowly remove it."
The husband gives it a try but with all the yelling, hectic drive and stress...
"Mom I have started dating our neighbour..."
"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom.
Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!"
"I wasn't talking about his age!"...
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests
He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not."
So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not."
Finally, the drunk had had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "JESUS CHRIST, you're back AGAIN?"...
Timmy was being raised by his single mother
When one day she sat him down and explains to him that she’s given this a lot of thought and takes it very seriously but she identifies as a man and intends to start living as such. Timmy understands.
It was a long transitioning process of altering his appearance, changing his name, undergoing hormone therapy, and finally having the surgery. Timmy was very supportive during the whole process. Even when he was teased by some kids at school.
But eventually the process was complete and they decided to have a nice dinner to celebrate. But dinner was...
Thứ Hai, 29 tháng 10, 2018
Doctor, I have a sexual problem.
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."...
A drunk old man stumbles into a bar . . .
It’s the roughest bar at the end of the roughest street in town. It’s full of the scariest, meanest bikers you ever saw. Swaying slightly, he scans the room and stops when he finds the biggest, toughest-looking guy in the place. He stumbles over to the guy’s table, points at him and says in a loud voice:
“I FUCKED YER GRAMA, YOU SON OF A BITCH!”
Place goes dead quiet. The big guy doesn’t move, but he also doesn’t take his eyes off the old man.
“You hear me, asshole?! I FUCKED her every which way for HOURS, and you know what? She LOVED it!!She...
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
“You crossed the wrong guy”
I think all the redditors will agree, with this joke, I nailed it
Edit: I am a Christian myself and I dont mean to offend anyone, I just thought it was hilarious....
This 400 Meter Sand Slide Looks
This 400 Meter Sand Slide Looks
These sand dunes make for a great ride.
October 29, 2018 at 06:59AM
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I haven't had sex since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."...
The gynecologist who became a mechanic
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%....
I like my women like I like my whiskey.
12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Disclaimer: This is just a joke. I do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke....
Chủ Nhật, 28 tháng 10, 2018
At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, "I want to try doggy tonight."
Surprisingly enough, the wife agrees.
So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner. After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweet heart"
The wife turns on her bedside lamp, confused, and says, "What? What about doggy?"
The husband replies, "Honey, I can't believe you enjoyed it so much you want more. I'm sorry, but there's none left, I'll cook it again for you next week."...
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers...
An American and a Russian died and went to the gates of heaven and hell. They were greeted by an Angel.
The Angel said to them, “Because both of you are sinners, you’re are going to hell. However, you can choose between American hell and Russian hell. In American hell, most people are American and they have to eat a bucket of shit every day. In Russian hell, most people are Russian and they have to eat two buckets of shit every day.”
The American responded, “Well, I would rather be encompassed by Americans and just eat one bucket of shit daily.” And he was sent to American hell.
The Russian thought for a while before replying, “Well, it sort...
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP!…
BUMP…
BUMP…
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER…
FASTER…
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping...
clappity-BUMP…
clappity-BUMP…
clappity-BUMP…
…on...
Once upon a time there was a monk, who farmed carrots.
Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran very quickly.
- "I can't run that fast" - The monk thought.
He started training. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the fastest monk in the whole world. He then returned to his farm. As always, the thief appeared and took 3 carrots. The...
Multiple Fatalities Reported In Shooting At Pittsburgh Synagogue
Multiple Fatalities Reported In Shooting At Pittsburgh Synagogue
Local media reported that eight people were dead after a man began shooting at a synagogue in Pittsburgh on Saturday. A police official told reporters there were "multiple casualties" but authorities did not immediately confirm numbers of fatalities.
October 27, 2018 at 11:20PM
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The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,'...
A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship...
So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?"
The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that".
Guy: "Great when can I use it?"
Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday".
Guy: "Why not Tuesday?"
The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."...
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."...
Yesterday I went
to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there....
Thứ Bảy, 27 tháng 10, 2018
I had a job interview recently, and the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."
I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left. I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"
"You wanna buy it?"...
Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”
“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”
Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced ,“You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.”
“It's nothing,” said the father. “We're glad you were able to come.”
Just then the daughter, a...
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it...
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican
I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking.
I said “What’s up...can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?”
He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."...
NSFW A boy goes to the zoo with his parents
They're standing at the elephant exhibit when the boy asks his mom: What's that thing hanging down from the elephant?
Mom: That's it's trunk.
Boy: No, further back.
Mom: That's its tail.
Boy: No, in between.
Mom: Oh, that's nothing. Now run along.
The boy is still curious so he walks over to his dad.
Boy: Dad, what's that thing hanging down from the elephant?
Dad: That's its trunk.
Boy: No, further back.
Dad: That's its tail.
Boy: No, in between.
Dad: That's its penis.
Boy: Oh, but Mom said it was nothing.
Dad: Well, son, you have to realize that...
Here's A Perfect 8-Second Internet Video
Here's A Perfect 8-Second Internet Video
We hope to find something we're as excited about as Stella the dog is about this pile of leaves.
October 26, 2018 at 09:42PM
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Jesus at Last Supper
*break bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*open jar of mayo*
Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there...
Thứ Sáu, 26 tháng 10, 2018
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule...
A Chinese man enters a Jew's lingerie store...
-I want 20 black bras size 85 D.
The Jew:
-Of course, but black is rare color, so their price is 15$ for each one.
-It does not matter,
said the Chinese,
-I'll pay.
He took the purchase and left. After a week the Chinese returns again.
-I want 30 black bras size 85 D.
-Yes, of course,
said the Jew,
-but it's so hard to get them, so now their price jumped to $25 for each one.
-It does not matter, I'll pay.
said the Chinese, paying for the purchase.
A week later, he comes again to the Store Jew.
-I want 100 black bras size 85 D!
-Yes, but their...
*NSFW* John wanted to buy a Harley
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Becca, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally,...
Guy wakes up in a hospital room, badly beaten within inches of his life.
The doctor is standing over him and asks him what happened.
He thinks back. “I was golfing with my wife. She shanked her pink ball into a small cow pasture, just beyond the rough. I went to look for it and finally found it in a cow’s butthole.
Last thing I remember is I lifted the tail and shouted ‘HONEY! This looks like yours!!!!’”...
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walked into a bar.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down and says, “I’ll have a shot of tequila!”
The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a shot of whiskey!”
The bartender turns to the anti-vaxxer, "and what are you having?". The anti-vaxxer responds, "no shots for me", then dies from polio....
How Engineers Designed A Hurricane-Proof Beach House
How Engineers Designed A Hurricane-Proof Beach House
Hurricane Michael flattened Mexico Beach, Florida. Except for one specially designed house.
October 25, 2018 at 10:00PM
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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a sweet shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the...
What's the worst place to leave your Reddit logged in?
Second period Journalism. What's up, Claire, it's Brooke. PM me, my username is /u/whispersofaquarius and you should be more careful next time....
A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..
They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.
"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.
The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.
"I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me."
"No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings."
"I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's...
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."
"And he won?" I asked.
"Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The bastard!"...
Thứ Năm, 25 tháng 10, 2018
A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.
They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were...
Donald Trump asks the Queen the advice
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"
Theresa May walks into the room....
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle...
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to...
I was watching Jurassic park the other day.....
.... when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he´s also a terrible driver"...
A young woman is at her doctor's appointment when the doctor says, "Ma'am, I've got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant."
The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be..." She pauses for a moment. "...Kid-in-me."
After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?"
The woman says "It was totally birth it."...
What is the best Donald Trump joke you've heard?
Don’t know if this one is in here yet, but here goes:
Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet)
So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.”
“Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an...
A man wakes and finds he is shrinking, getting smaller and smaller
He immediately panics gets dressed and runs out the door.
He try’s to get a cab but he’s getting smaller and smaller and he can’t flag one down.
So he takes off on foot and runs toward the hospital while getting smaller and smaller.
He makes it to the hospital and sees there is a long line but he is getting smaller and smaller so he runs past the line and up to the desk.
He jumps on the desk and yells “ You have to help me I’m getting smaller and smaller!”
The nurse puts a hands up and says “ Sir, excuse me but your going to have to be a little...
A Woman Is Out Golfing And Finds A Frog Trapped In The Woods
A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods.
When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will...
The One Place in the US Google Earth Stopped Mapping
The One Place in the US Google Earth Stopped Mapping
For eight years, Google Earth didn't update its satellite image of a military installation in Nevada. So we bought one ourselves.
October 24, 2018 at 10:54PM
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Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:
First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings.
Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars.
With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each.
Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each.
Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...
A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets....
A man walks into a bar...
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of...
I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.
Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.
Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days...
A man and a woman are having sex, when her husband comes home early...
"Quick, hide!" she says, so the man grabs his clothes and jumps into the closet. The man hears the hushed voice of a young boy.
"Sure is dark in here."
"Indeed it is," the man responds.
"I have a baseball," says the boy.
"That's nice," he says.
"I'll sell it to you for $50."
"$50? That's a little steep for a baseball, son."
"Well, my dad has a shotgun. Wanna see that?"
"Tell you what, you have yourself a deal," says the man, and he pays the kid $50.
A week later, the man and the woman are having sex, when once again the woman's husband comes home...
Thứ Tư, 24 tháng 10, 2018
A guy climbs Everest...
At the middle a very sexy blonde stops him and asks:
-Do you want me or to succeed?
The ambitious climber replied: -Succeed, succeed.
And continued to climb.
Only 100 m to the peak of the mountain, a gorgeous looking brunette stops him and asks:
-Do you want me or to succeed?
-Succeed, Succeed!,
replied the climber and continued to climb even more ambitiously.
Only 20 meters remains to the glory. Suddenly a strong big man appears and says to him:
-Hello, my name is Seed....
In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.
A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.
Things go from bad to worse. Without a car to get to work, Dave loses his job. Without a job, his mortgage is foreclosed on, and he loses his home. Without a home, his wife leaves him, taking the kids. After each horrible step in the mounting crisis, he pleads with...
The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.
His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?"
"Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road."
"And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!"
"And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!"
"While we were standing there...
Two Jewish boys were in a concentration camp together...
During their time there they became like brothers and when the war ended, they decided that they should live together as such. Many years go by until one of them wins the lottery.
"I can't believe you won the lottery! What are you going to do with all that money?"
"First, I'll buy us a mansion! One with a long front driveway."
"Oh man, that sounds fantastic! What else?"
"Next, I'll fill the driveway with expensive cars! Any car we want will be ours!"
"This is so amazing, what else?"
"I'll have a little circular garden put in at the end of the...
iPhones Are Hard To Use
iPhones Are Hard To Use
I once wrote a user manual for a handheld engine-diagnostics module for Daewoo cars. I know "hard to use" when I see it. iPhones are hard to use.
October 23, 2018 at 09:15PM
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A woman goes to buy a parrot, the prices are $200, $100 and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheep.
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"...
American tells to his Russian colleague:
"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him"
The Russian:
"When Putin passes by, we all piss on him"
The American:
"I exaggerated a little - we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit".
The Russian:
"And I exaggerated too - when we piss, we don't take off our pants"....
Thứ Ba, 23 tháng 10, 2018
A young ventriloquist puts on a show in a small town
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman from the audience, stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all...
A joke my second grade teacher used to tell
Every Friday after school, a young boy named Timmy would go to the corner store for an after-school treat.
There would always be a group of rowdy older boys loitering outside the store. Every time Timmy came by they'd pull him aside. The leader would reveal a dollar in his left hand and a quarter in his right, and tell Timmy to take one. Timmy would always take the quarter, leading the boys to laugh and make fun of him.
The store owner, after watching this happen for week after week, finally took Timmy aside one day and explained to him that a...
An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven....
He asks God,
"How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve."
God doesn't laugh.
The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand"....
CFL Cornerback Taunts Receiver, Promptly Gets Destroyed
CFL Cornerback Taunts Receiver, Promptly Gets Destroyed
And we're not talking the metaphorical "the receiver burned him and made the catch" kind of "destroyed," either.
October 22, 2018 at 09:03PM
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A good bar joke that always makes women laugh
Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So was the rest of...
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.
When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.
Customs: What is that?
Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!
The official laughed and let the old man through.
The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.
Customs: What is that?
Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I...
Thứ Hai, 22 tháng 10, 2018
Had sex last night,
I had sex last night with 2 blonde hair, blue eyed 18 year old twins that I met in a bar.
I was telling my best friend about it this morning and he said "I don't understand the attraction, wouldn't it be like just having sex twice with the same person? Could you even tell them apart?"
I said "Sure Kim had a cute little beauty mark just under her chin, and her twin Tim has a dick."...
Anti-vaxxers are the biggest hypocrites. How?
They've been vaccinated. We know this because:
•They're over three years old
•They're retarded....
A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend.
When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer....
In a farmhouse this horse and a chicken...
...they’ve been friends for a long time.
One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking.
Chicken says, “holy shit, how the fuck did you end up in here?”
Horse explains “I’m eating a little food, a little hay…next thing you know I’m sinking in the mud.”
So what happens? Chicken runs over to the farmer's house and gets the farmers BMW. Now it’s an 850, all black, waxed to perfection, all leather interior – it’s fucking gorgeous. Hops in it, drives back over, ties a...
An employee is absent.
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the little voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was someone with whom he could...
A beautiful woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all of his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so, he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?'
'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.'
'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.
'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.' 'Correct,' replied...
I like my women like I like my coffee
Very strong, and given proper credit for their contributions in both the home and the workplace....
Mount Athos, A Male-Only Holy Retreat, Is Ruffled By Tourists And Russia
Mount Athos, A Male-Only Holy Retreat, Is Ruffled By Tourists And Russia
The monks on an isolated peninsula in Greece have followed the same way of life for more than 1,000 years, but an Athens vs. Moscow diplomatic spat and a tourism onslaught are unsettling its habits.
October 22, 2018 at 12:08AM
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An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot
When they collided. The old guy says to the young guy. “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.”
The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?”
The...
Get $50 Off Google's Highly Reviewed Mesh Router System
Get $50 Off Google's Highly Reviewed Mesh Router System
Google Wifi makes the standout model in an increasingly crowded mesh router market, and right now their three-router system is as cheap as it's ever been.
October 21, 2018 at 07:59PM
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Chủ Nhật, 21 tháng 10, 2018
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"...
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.' Bob was stunned.
I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past.
'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the...
There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake....
There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires....
Whats my age again?
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling...
I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car...
...when i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,because the car was from the electricity company,they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again...
One day a woman had 100 children...
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one...
Man sits at a bar and orders five shots...
the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough."
"Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy."
"Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today."
A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks.
"Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week."
"I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house."
Just one week later the guy comes in again...
So I picked up this girl the other day.....
and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" .
Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day....
Thứ Bảy, 20 tháng 10, 2018
Dad, I can't sleep.
dad: "Why not?"
kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"
dad: [looks under bed] "OMG yes!"
kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"...
A guy tries to walk into a bar
The bouncer says "No tie, no admittance".
The guy goes back to his car, looks for a tie but only finds jumper cables. He arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in.
The bouncer gives him an appraising glance, and says "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start anything!"
Edit: this joke is a tribute to u/rogersimon10. What a legend he was....
Sperm Bank Robbery
It was a normal day at the local sperm bank, when all of a sudden, a man bursts in with a mask a and a handgun and yells "EVERYONE! ON THE GROUND!"
Once every person in the facility is lying down, he walks over to the refrigerator area for very-recent donations, then turns around, facing the main area again. He points his gun at one of the nurses and shouts "You! Come over here, and open this door." She walks over, trembling profusely, and keys in the number on the door. The gunman say "Alright, grab a tray of the most recent donations and bring...
In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)
"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"
"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years."...
The Finalists For The 2018 Wildlife Photographer Of The Year Awards Are In, And They're Stunning
The Finalists For The 2018 Wildlife Photographer Of The Year Awards Are In, And They're Stunning
It takes the best of the best to document Earth's most incredible creatures in a way that does them justice. And this contest is chock full of the best of the best.
October 20, 2018 at 02:07AM
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An engineer and a mathematician.
An engineer wakes up and realizes his bed is on fire. He spots a sink and a bucket, so he goes to the sink, fills the bucket, and douses the fire before going back to sleep.
A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied because he knows the solution exists....
Thứ Sáu, 19 tháng 10, 2018
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"
Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"
The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he took off his clothes and started banging his manhood on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"...
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and...
Why the Many-Worlds Interpretation Has Many Problems
Why the Many-Worlds Interpretation Has Many Problems
The idea that the universe splits into multiple realities with every measurement has become an increasingly popular proposed solution to the mysteries of quantum mechanics. But is this "many-worlds interpretation" incoherent?
October 19, 2018 at 01:13AM
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Do cats stutter?
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was",...
The New American Songbook
The New American Songbook
Separating the most durable tunes from the millions of other would-be classics is no easy task. So we asked critics, musicians, and industry professionals to predict which tracks will stick around.
October 18, 2018 at 09:30PM
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I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it....
Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, ...
... arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician
claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that
it was surprisingly high.
"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over.
"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond 'one third x cubed.'...
Thứ Năm, 18 tháng 10, 2018
In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second...
3 dogs walk into a bar ..
The first dog, a big dog, walks to the bar and asks for 3 frothy beers. The barman is stunned and exclaims "What!? A talking dog! I can't believe it!"
The dog sighs. "I get this all the time! I'm a talking dog. Whoopty doo. My name is Huey and I do regular dog things. I chase cars, drag my arse on the carpet, eat bones and fuck old socks." He takes the beers and returns to his seat.
15 minutes later the second dog, an even bigger dog, approaches the bar and orders 3 frothy beers. "You're kidding me! Another talking dog!?".
The dog sighs. "I get...
Here's Fresh Evidence Student Loans Are A Massive, Generational Scam
Here's Fresh Evidence Student Loans Are A Massive, Generational Scam
The co-author of an enraging new report called the student loan system "a failed social experiment."
October 17, 2018 at 11:28PM
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Ralph came home drunk one night
slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph. . ’
Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’
St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ’
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. . The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. ’So,...
My grandpa (age 92) told me this joke.
"I'm getting so old that I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning... And I have oatmeal every morning."...
Thứ Tư, 17 tháng 10, 2018
Christen Joke
Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?"
Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior."
Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?"
Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants."
Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?"
Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down."...
I caught my husband coming to a brothel and I'm not sure what to do now.
On the one hand he is unfaithful, but on the other hand it was nice that he visited me at work....
The NBA Is Fake Woke
The NBA Is Fake Woke
The NBA has received plaudits for its so-called progressivism, but look a bit closer at the pro sports league and you'll find precious little evidence.
October 16, 2018 at 07:54PM
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How to tell the gender of ANY animal
SIMPLE - Just give it some food!
If she eats the food, then it's a girl.
But if he eats the food, then it's a boy....
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"...
Football
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'What in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. So, please, go away and leave me alone.”
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter...
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