I was just sitting there doing nothing!...
Thứ Bảy, 30 tháng 11, 2019
Same old cow
My wife and I went to the auction mart at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You...
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.
She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".
I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first....
r/Jokes A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, ‘Lool Area’
He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.
“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’.”
The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria.
There was a sign which read, “Serving Lierogies and Lork tonight.”
Thinking about the food made the man hungry, so he went around looking for food. Strangely, in cafetaria...
I was having sex with my wife last night...
I was having sex with my wife last night when she suddenly yelled, “Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!”
“Just relax.” I said, “You might like it.”
“Relax?” she screamed, “What the fuck is Dave doing here?”...
A Mormon is seated next to an Irishman on a plane..
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."...
Here's some advice for all men
If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection...
A QUEEN and a famous porn star died on the same day
when they fronted up to St Peter he told them there was only one space left for that day, and they’d have to argue their respective cases.The horizontal humper ripped off her top and said, “These are the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him greatly to be able to gaze upon them for eternity.”The Queen said nothing, but hiked up her skirt, pulled down her undies, shook up a bottle of Perrier she had in her handbag, then douched her twat with it.St Peter nodded and let the Queen pass through the pearly gates.“What...
I did Nazi that coming
Nazi Officer: "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores"
Hitler rubs chin: "So mine less"
Grammar Nazi busts in: "MINE FEWER"
Hitler looks up: "Yes?"...
Thứ Sáu, 29 tháng 11, 2019
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two.
One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis.
Edit: *Father
Edit: * LADDER!!!! Dammit....
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That's when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired.
Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob....
A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."
A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."
Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop - and sure enough - there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."
He knocks and a wizened old nun opens the door.
"$50 bucks to get fucked in here," she says.
The man forks over the money and runs inside. He goes down a long hallway and comes to another door. He knocks and a moderately attractive nun answers.
"$100 to get fucked by the Sisters...
A man has a defective clock and takes it to the German workshop.
The guy says, "My clock is busted. Instead of the usual 'tick tock' it goes 'tick tick tick'. Can you fix this?"
The German shop owner says, "I see. Follow me."
The owner leads the man into a dark ominous room and places the clock on a wooden chair and straps it. He then proceeds to light up a single lamp in front of them.
He then says in a sinister voice, " Ve hav vays of making you tock"...
A man walks into a bar
He sits down and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Rough day?” The guy responds “I just found out my brother is gay and is dating my best friend.” The next day the guy goes back to the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “what happened this time?” The guy responds “I just found out my son is also gay” The next day the guy goes in and orders 30 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Does anyone in your family like women?” The guy responds “apparently my wife does”...
A man walks into the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass
The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."...
Sex with boss
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking...
A 54-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing...
A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"
One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.
"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".
So the soldier goes in the back of the garden, and after a few hours comes back.
"So... what did you do to the mole?" Asked the commander.
"Ohoh! Commander!" The soldier laughed: "I did the most horrible thing ever! Try to take a guess!"
"Did you... cut it in pieces...
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.
He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."
Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William."
Very...
A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey
When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.
As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.
The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just whiskey."
"But it's sinful and wicked!"
"How do you know it's so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?"
"Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is."
"But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?"
They go back and forth like this...
A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee.
I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits."
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon."...
Thứ Năm, 28 tháng 11, 2019
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to...
Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says...
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other...
Men vs gorilla
Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.
Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?
Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.' r>Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.
'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like...
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.
Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem - a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."...
I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.
My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors. Started my car, let it run. I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside....
Thứ Tư, 27 tháng 11, 2019
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes,...
A new element was discovered!
Scientists’ initial findings on the new substance had lead them to believe it was highly explosive, however they simply could not determine what forces were to trigger this reaction.
They dropped it from the highest cliffs, and crushed it in the deepest oceans.
They tried igniting in it the sunniest of locations, and in the darkest of crevasses.
They subject it to the hottest temperatures they could muster, both natural and manmade.
And yet, the material was unwavering, refusing to yield to any force…until a scientist suggested the impossible.
“What...
A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".
The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro... proo... problem?"
The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."
The man was really tired of his stuttering, so he agreed to a transplant. Several days later the doctor called the man up and informed him that they have found a suitable donor. The transplant operation was successfully performed and the man could speak without any...
A traveling salesman knocks on a door and a little boy answers.
The boy is wearing a women’s nightgown, drinking brandy from a snifter, and smoking a joint.
Stunned, the salesman says, ‘excuse me, are your parents home?’
The little boy replies, ‘What the fuck do you think?’...
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?”
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."...
Sperm count
A 65 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried...
A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question, can go home."
A boy throws his bag out the window.
The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?”
The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”...
Thứ Ba, 26 tháng 11, 2019
A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller
“I want to open a fucking checking account.”
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”
The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.
The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $500 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking...
There were two christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.
So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.
John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'.
The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food...
I flagged a gangbang video on Pornhub for racist content.
Just because a bunch of black dudes are in the same room with each other doesn't make it a gang....
Thứ Hai, 25 tháng 11, 2019
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”
With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”
The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial.”
“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch.”
The father dialled the number again. “Hello,...
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"...
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The Texan said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If...
An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college...
The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise.
A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion coming from the lecture hall and decides to see what is going on. He gets as close as he can to the front a d asks one of the students trying to get in what the lecture is suppose to be about.
“Well an engineer is in there, giving a speech entitled “The Mechanical...
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good...
Chủ Nhật, 24 tháng 11, 2019
A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved.
As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past.
She sees him - a small, limbless blob - out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him!
As she approaches he thinks to himself - “maybe this is it!” She gets...
Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....
Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?...
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.
Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked, "Who are you?"
The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."
Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?"
The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever."
The...
Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?
Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists?
--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.
Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by?
--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.
Grasshopper, have you seen the rushing water tumbling over the stones, and how the stones rest undisturbed despite the water?
--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.
Grasshopper, have you seen the majesty of the full moon in the deep silence of the night?
--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.
...Grasshopper?
--Yes,...
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?”
“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.”
I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.
I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.
They respond “Get away with ya... Prove it.”
I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?”
He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”...
I was in a very busy Whole Foods and saw this beautiful young woman shopping.
I asked her, "I can't seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?"
"Sure, but how can that help?"
"Once she sees me talking to you, I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of fucking nowhere."...
(NSFW) Two rednecks, Junior and Billy, are walking through the forest and stumble upon a sheep with Its head stuck in the fence
Junior Looks at Billy and says, “Ima fuck that sheep!” So he runs up behind the sheep, pulls down his pants and starts fuckin it. After a few minutes he steps back, pulls up his pants and walks back to Billy. Junior looks at Billy and Says “I’m sorry, do you want a turn Billy?”
Billy looks at junior and says “hell yah!” and runs over to the fence. Billy looks back at junior, drops his pants, and then sticks his head in the fence....
A fisherman walks into r/jokes...
A fisherman walks into r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade-- if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing.
The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden...
A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.
He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,
"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"
"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to have any fun at all."
"What about Hampden-Sydney?"
"Well, it's an all guys school, so unless you're into that, I wouldn't be too confident."
"Well, Alabama has to have something, right?"
"Alabama!" the father says with a chuckle. "Well, at Alabama, I'd say your chances...
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
(I can’t imagine this isn’t a repost, so delete if need be)...
A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.
Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell her that she must bang you to go to heaven, you are set to go”. Excited, the man goes out And buys the best God costume in the country.Later that night, dressed as God, the man tiptoes into the cemetery and sees the nun praying.Having recited his lines,...
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides.
The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.
The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends...
Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing....
Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing. So one night the elder makes a plan, "this morning at breakfast, I'll say damn and you say fuck" the younger agrees and they go to bed eager for the next morning.
Breakfast time comes and their mother ask what they'd like to eat. The older brother says "I'd like some damn cheerios!"
The mother slaps him so hard he's knocked out of his seat. She turns to the younger and says "well what about you?"
He says "well I'm sure as fuck not asking for cheerios."...
Thứ Bảy, 23 tháng 11, 2019
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”
The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed...
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said
'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'
Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.
Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.
Bartender: Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?
Pirate: We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really...
Bartender: What about that eye patch?
Pirate: Oh,...
I was in a job interview today
When the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually, he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "£100 and it's yours."...
So a guy is walking with a young girl into the woods.
Girl "It is getting dark out and I am getting scared"
Man "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."...
The FBI had an open position for an assassin...
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go...
Wife cheats on her husband with the mailman
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him...
Thứ Sáu, 22 tháng 11, 2019
There was a man who worked for the Post Office
... whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no...
Two engineering students were walking across campus...
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take what you want.' So I took the bike."
The second engineer thinks for a minute and then nods approvingly. "Good choice." he says "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyways."...
NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents an
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming...
My wife bent over to put the dishes in the dishwasher...
I walked up behind her, placed my crotch in the center of her ass and gave a thrust.
“Excuse me!” she shouted. “I’m trying to put a load in the dishwasher!”
“Me too”, I replied....
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter...
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.....
....He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska...
A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border
He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"...
Thứ Năm, 21 tháng 11, 2019
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards, they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying...
(NSFW) A bra, some jumper cables and a battery walk into a bar...
They grab a table and sit down, so the bra says it'll get the first round.
It goes up to the bartender and says "3 beers please mate"
Bartender replies "no way, you're off your tits and your mates are going to start something"...
A blind man went to a restaurant.
menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor...
An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...
An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"
The others look up with a scowl that would curdle milk, but one looks at the clock and shakes his head. He points out the time to the others and they gather up their chips and go. "Play alone, we're a-leavin'. Wild Bill's comin' to town."
The writer is confused, but...
A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis.
His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.
"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"...
British Humour
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are...
So this guy walks into a library
He starts looking around, but after a couple minutes is still empty handed
At this point, the librarian came and asked, “Are you looking for anything in particular?”
The man says, “Yeah, I’m looking for that new book about small penises”
The librarian thinks for a second, than responds, “I don’t think it’s in yet”
He nods back, “Yep, that’s the one”...
Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...
The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in a different direction and tells them to go into the forest, get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit, and bring it back. It can be any kind of fruit as long as they get ten pieces of the same kind.
Man A gets back first with ten apples. The chief tells...
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink...
He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing....
My lesbian neighbours gifted me a watch for my bithday today
Apparently they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch" when they asked me what I wanted for my birthday...
A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.
When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now.
The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian."
The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian."
The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear...
Thứ Tư, 20 tháng 11, 2019
An old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’
I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child.
“So what do you think about that Doc?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male...
I went to a beestore to buy bees
The shopkeeper gave me 13 instead of the 12, I requested.
When I asked him what the last one was for.
He told me it was a freebie....
Best joke I have still ever overheard. Dad to his buddies while I’m 10 years old listening from the porch.
This guy walks into a bar with his briefcase in hand and he’s mad. He sits at the bar, puts his case down and orders a drink. The bartender serves him right up and asks the man what’s got him down.
The man gives a disappointed grin and tells the bartender that he can just show him. He opens his briefcase and out pops a tiny person about a foot tall that begins to play his miniature piano.
Of course the bartender is amazed and is just about to ask where he found this little guy but is cut off by the man who informs him that there’s a genie outside...
It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home.
He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants.
“Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!”
He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again.
“Shit!”
He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. Once again, he lets go and drops straight to the ground.
“This is bullshit. I didn’t even have that much to drink!”
When he finally crawls to the sidewalk, he grabs hold of a light pole. Again, he pulls himself up, lets go, and immediately collapses.
“Shit, this is going to be...
Long Joke
Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster until the train derailed and killed one person. Bob was taken to trial and was found guilty of murder, sentenced to death by electric chair.
Now Happytown was no normal town. They strongly believed in religion. This caused the town’s special rule: if a...
Thứ Ba, 19 tháng 11, 2019
9 Blondes and 1 Brunette are holding onto the wing of an aircraft that is rapidly plummeting towards the ground.
They all realise that one must sacrifice themselves to save the rest. Nobody volunteers to sacrifice themselves, the. suddenly the brunette makes a heroic speech about how she will let go of the aircraft to save the rest.
Then all the blondes clap....
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."...
What's the difference between a sentence and a cat?
A sentence has a pause at the end of the clause but a cat has claws at the end of its paws...
Catholic school girls
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? The girl is a little reluctant...
Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, passed away
She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they are finally together.”
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret … “Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?”
Margaret replied,...
Thứ Hai, 18 tháng 11, 2019
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...
to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird...
Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?
This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.
I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though....
Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...
In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.
One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The two young men, sympathetic to a creature in need, approached the crocodile and released it from the trap.
Once freed, the crocodile transformed into a wispy, glowing fairy! “Thank you, young men” said the fairy, “Your hearts are truly selfless, and I will grant...
Politeness is key
A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man.
She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born.
So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly "Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always...
Chủ Nhật, 17 tháng 11, 2019
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.
Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.
“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.
His father pointed at a map towards North America.
“Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his father.
The man pointed towards the Soviet Union.
“And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?”
The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British.
“Where is Germany again,...
A man heard that masturbating before sex...
A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As...
Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?
Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”.
-Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter.
Yes, that’s right, Alan.
-Thanks, Dad!...
I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.
She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”...
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.
To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks.
The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship to try and repair it.
"You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed.
The older man shrugged....
A 13 year old boy walks into the whorehouse...
and asks for sex with a girl who suffers from an STD. Aghast, the madame asks him why on earth he'd want an STD.
He replies "It's not for me, exactly. I want to give it to the babysitter."
She asks him "Why do you want your babysitter to have the clap?"
He replies "Well, she'll give it to my dad, my dad will give it to the upstairs maid, the maid will give it to the postman, and the postman will give it to my mom."
Horrified, she screams "Why do you want your mother to have the clap?"
The kid giggles, and says "She'll give it to the milkman, and...
(NSFW) A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sitting in the waiting room of an OB/Gyn office. All three are about six months pregnant.
The brunette starts a conversation with the other two women by saying, “I read an article that says you can determine what gender your baby will be if you know what position you were in during sex that was at the time of conception. I know I was on top when my husband and I were having sex and I got pregnant, so the article said I should have a girl.”
The redhead says, “well I was on bottom when my husband and I had sex so I must be having a boy”
The blonde starts wailing and crying “oh god! I’m going to have puppies!!”...
Thứ Bảy, 16 tháng 11, 2019
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"...
I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, “Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?”
“Yes I’m taking photos of her,” I replied, “But it’s not what you think.”
“So what is it then?” she asked.
I said, “Its a OnePlus.”...
Give me some chocolate ice cream, please!
she said to the clerk.
"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate".
"Ok, then, give me some chocolate ice cream".
"I told you, we don't have any!"
"Well, I'll settle for chocolate ice cream".
The exasperated clerk says
"Can you spell 'straw' as in strawberry?"
"S - T - R - A - W"
"Correct! Now, can you spell 'water' as in watermelon?"
"W - A - T - E - R"
"Very good! Now can you spell 'fuck' as in 'ice cream'?"
"But there isn't any fuck in ice cream!"
"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU, LADY!"...
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well,...
A lady dies and goes to heaven and is standing in front of God...
" there is one thing I've always wanted to know"
"Ok, ask away," God said.
" Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked
" The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god.
The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes high up"....
What’s the difference between a religion and a cult?
In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense.
In a religion that person is dead....
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper;
but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again....
Thứ Sáu, 15 tháng 11, 2019
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure...
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?"
Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor, "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"
Student, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just...
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