You don't want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade.
Thứ Ba, 31 tháng 12, 2019
Wife Missing
My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.
A man is on a stretcher, being prepped for surgery.
The surgeon walks in, takes a deep breath and says:
“Okay, David. This is a simple operation.”
The man says: “My name isn’t David.”
The surgeon replies: “No, it’s my name.”
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”
“Well that’s your fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk...
His wife was up waiting for him...
"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled
He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."
Two ladies had been friends for decades. Every day they sat together on a bench in the park and chatted.
One day, one lady told the other, "This is terribly embarrassing, but I hope you understand. You know how it is to be old. I keep forgetting things. I have to tell you, my dear friend, that I simply can't remember your name. Could you please tell me your name again?"
The other lady looked at her for a long time, and asked, "How soon do you need to know?"
Thứ Hai, 30 tháng 12, 2019
Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin...
Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."
Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."
The scientists then removed both halves of the man's noggin, and asked him again to count to ten.
The man said, "Look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one- believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten, okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary!"
The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a rum and coke!"
The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me."
She then collapses and dies from polio.
There once was a guy named Dave,
Who dug up a whore from a grave.
She was moldy and sh1tty,
And only had one titty
But look at the money he saved!
Aussie Helpline
"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here ...What's the problem,cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."
"Bummer, mate..!"
"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."
Dear Microsoft:
If you had called your search engine Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. What would you rather say? "I just Googled Rihanna"or "I just Banged Rihanna."
| don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
It's pointless.
But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or else people will think you're being irrational. But that is beside the point.
Chủ Nhật, 29 tháng 12, 2019
My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. "You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed. "Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don't angry at you about that!" I shouted back.
I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply.
She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs...
There was a man named John Odd
There was this man named John Odd, and he hated his last name.
People constantly made fun of it, called him and his wife "The Odd couple", named him "The Odd man out" wherever he went, all that.
So he's getting older and writes out his will. And in the will he says when he dies he doesn't want his name on the gravestone. He just wants to be buried in an unmarked grave with a plain headstone, no name, nothing.
So he dies, and his wife respects his wishes. So there he is, in his unmarked grave, but everytime someone walks by the cemetery and sees the unmarked grave they say, "Look, isn't that Odd?"
A Guy sat next to me on the train and pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate.
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an optician!"
Thứ Bảy, 28 tháng 12, 2019
A guy named Danny walks into a bar...
A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.”
A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been with many men who’ve told me terrible things, try me.” So Danny tells her and she slaps him across the face so hard his cheek turns beet red.
The bartender saw the whole thing and asks Danny what happened, and Danny said, “I told her what I needed to forget.” Naturally, the bartender asks what it is he needs to forget. “I’ll tell you, but, trust me, you’ll get pissed.” “Boy, I’ve been bartending for 25 years, heard about regrets, death, war stories, ain’t nothin gonna faze me.” So Danny tells the bartender, and the bartender flips his shit and screams at Danny to get outta the bar.
Outside, Danny hails a cab to get home. Once inside, the Cabbie says, “Jeez you look terrible, what happened?” “I told people what I’m trying to forget.” “Well, what’d you tell em?” “You’ll get mad if I tell ya.” “Sir, if I’m honest, I was a veteran, I’ve had my own brothers die in my arms, tell me what you have.” “Alright but you gotta take me home first so you don’t throw me out of the cab.” Intrigued, the cabbie takes Danny home first. The Cabbie pulled up to Danny’s home, turns around, and says “Alright, spill the beans, I’m dyin to hear this.” “Fine, fine, but I gotta ask you something first:
When’s the last time you lost The Game?”
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie. The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye the oceans were teeming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I wish for a great wall around England, protecting her, and all the foreigners were gone". With a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around England and all foreigners disappeared. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Scot says, "Ach, double the size of it and fill it up with water."
Thứ Sáu, 27 tháng 12, 2019
My boss called this morning and shouted,
“Where the fuck are you? It’s 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8.”
“Relax, I’m in my office.” I replied.
“Quit the shit!” he roared. “I’m standing in your office.”
So I went, “Oh, sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new job.”
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess... in the morning he wakes up with a "breakfast for champions" in front of him, and he is like... what???...
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess... in the morning he wakes up with a "breakfast for champions" in front of him, and he is like... what???...
He looks down to his in-bed breakfast and sees waffles, scrambled eggs with bacon, a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, an ice cold beer, a couple of aspirins, and a note that simply says "love you".
He stumbles outside the room and sees broken glass, a broken lamp, mud (or vomit) in the carpet, half the clothes he was wearing the day before stinking of alcohol and cigarette laying in the floor... he has no idea what happened, so he calls for his son.
"where is your mom?" He asks.
"she went to the store to get a new door lock" The kid answers.
"ok... do you know what happened yesterday?"
"i sure do" says the kid; "you came home at around 5am drunk off your mind, you parked the car in the front lawn, after doing a couple of doughnuts on the front lawn with the car, then, you couldnt fit the key on the front door, and started knocking the door really hard and yelling for us to open, waking the neighbors that where still not awake because of the car parking, but you didnt wait for us, so you ended up kicking open the door after failing to force your way in..."
"...afterwards, you stumbled into the table at the entrance breaking the lamp grandma left mom before she passed away..."
"...after that, you tried to go up the stairs, and knocked off the wall most of the framed pictures we had hanging, thats when you vomited all over yourself."
"So, what happened then?" asked the still hung over man.
"Me and mom reached you half way up the stairs and understood you couldnt be talked to, so we dragged you up the stairs, by then you where trying to undress yourself, but couldnt really do it. You only got half your shirt off so mom unbuttoned the rest and then reached for your pants..."
"And then what happened????"
"Well, mom was trying to take your vomit soaked pants off when you very strongly pushed her aside, and yelled, "KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU WHORE! IM A MARRIED MAN!" just before blacking out.
A man goes into his bosses office
Man: I was just checking in to see if I could get the day off to help my wife do the yearly christmas cleaning?
Boss: Absolutely not.
Man: Thank you so much, I knew I could count on you.
Thứ Năm, 26 tháng 12, 2019
Dr. Strange goes to Dormamu's house
Dr. Strange : Knock, knock
Dormamu : Who's there?
Dr. Strange : door mom
Dormamu : door mom who?
Dr. Strange : DoorMomWho, I've come to bargain
It was 11 years ago today.
My buddy James came running into the room, tears streaming down his face, and shouting,
“It’s a boy! It’s a boy!”
Needless to say, we never went back to Thailand.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”
“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.
“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?”
“I’m marrying a Russet!”
“A Russet!” replied Mother Potato with pride. “Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”
As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up. “Mother, I too, have an announcement.”
“And what might that be?” asked Mother Potato. Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, “I, too, am getting married!”
“You, too!” Mother Potato said with joy. “That’s wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?”
“I’m marrying an Idaho,” beamed the middle daughter. “An Idaho!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!” Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted.
“Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make.”
“Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
“Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, “I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!”
“Really?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. “All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?”
“I’m marrying Dan Rather!”
“DAN RATHER?!” Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”
Teacher asks her class, "If there's 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left?
" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is married?" Teacher answers (slightly embarrassed), "I imagine it's the one sucking." Boy says, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking !"
My son is doing a social experiment for school
For a week he will be wearing an "I love liberals!" hat everywhere he goes and record the reactions he observes from people he meets. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, yelled at, slapped twice and even had a bottle thrown at him. Its really quite awful, im not sure whats going to happen to him when he actually leaves the house...
My wife's always watching the Kardashians and I'm always watching the news.
I must be rubbing off on her. Based on her internet search history, she's looking at the BBC all the time now
So there’s a fly…and a gnat lands on its back.
The fly says, “is there a gnat on my back?”
The gnat says, “gnat at all.”
The fly says, “that’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard.
” The gnat goes, “what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!”
A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.
"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"
But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.
"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."
The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.
Game warden: So where are the fish?
Fisherman: What fish?
a guy goes into a bar
a guy goes into a bar and orders a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sitting down at the other end of the bar ordering a drink. the guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she's drinking, give her another one and tell her it's on me." the bartender replies "i don't think that's a good idea." "what do you mean!?" yells the guy "send her the drink!" "okay," the bartender replies "but i don't think it's a good idea." "and why not?" asks the guy indignantly. the bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian." "i don't care. send her a drink." after the lady gets her drink the guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "so what part of lesbia are you from?"
A man and his wife are at a restaurant...
The wife leaves for the bathroom and a short while later the waiter arrives.
'what would you like sir?' he asks.
'I'll have the steak, but my wife is using the restroom at the minute', the man replies.
'oh, well, do you know what she's having?'
The man replies, 'well it's been about 10 minutes so I'd say a shit'
I was having anal sex..
I was having anal sex with my girlfriend. Her father suddenly slammed the door open and started screaming at her. "Dad, I'm sorry!", she said. The father turned to me and, from the top of his lungs, he started screaming: "Are you fucking sorry?"
Thứ Tư, 25 tháng 12, 2019
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."
I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day...
The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away.
I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."
Thứ Ba, 24 tháng 12, 2019
Knock knock
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna happy new year!
Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :)
A man wanders back home at 3:00 am.
His wife: You are late.You said you would be home by 11:45 pm.
Man:(Casually) I said i would be home by a quarter of 12.
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage...
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He would come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He would come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at a college. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed
Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...
So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got to the pub.
When we arrived at the bar, she turned and asked if she could have my number. I was flattered because she was so pretty, but I told her I was happily engaged.
She smiled at me and said, "That's a shame, you really caught my eye."
John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...
John: "Is there a problem officer?"
Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"
John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here in the glove box and his body is in that trunk"
Cop: "Holy shit!"
The cop contacts his PD and in moments there are more cops everywhere. The chief of police steps up.
Chief: "Sir, may I see your license?"
John: "Sure"
John had his license
Chief: "May I see the vehicle's owner registration?"
John: "Sure"
It was in his car
Chief: "Could you open your glove box?"
John: "Sure"
There were no weapons
Chief: "Could you pop open your trunk?"
John: "Be my guest"
There were no bodies in the trunk
Chief:"Sorry to put you through this, but the officer who called me said you were driving without a license, you had stolen the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and the owner's dead body in the trunk"
John: "Yeah, I bet that lying son of a bitch also told you that I was speeding"
Thứ Hai, 23 tháng 12, 2019
Trump and Obama are getting a haircut in the same barber shop.
Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"
Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
I had a Thai massage at the weekend...
Nothing dodgy - the wife had a token for one of those health clubs. So I strips down to my birthday suit and lie face down on the table. This very petite, but very gorgeous Thai girl comes in and starts to give me a very firm yet very relaxing massage. She’s totally stunning and as I’m lying there I just keep thinking: “Don’t get a hard-on. Don’t get a hard-on”.
But of course she did.
Trump is visiting a school and walks into a classroom.
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.
So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.”
“Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.
There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”
The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear.
“For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears.
The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again.
The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.”
The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. Once you post it, you can’t edit the title.
“In that case,” the teacher smiled, “It looks like I’ve got myself a genie for eternity.”
A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.
The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!"
The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story.
The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighbor’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbor’s wife. We had great fun that day!"
The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something... umm ... sadder?"
The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up..... In a sad, soft voice he began: "One day I got lost in the mountains.....
Interviewer: The starting Pay is $50000
Interviewer: The starting Pay is $50000, Later it can go up to $100000.
Candidate: That's great, I will start later then.
Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her
“on what day will I die?” The fortune teller assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day”, she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday”.
Redditors: please be careful this holiday season
Last night, I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, then a few cocktails, then a few shots ... I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do why I have never done before: I took a cab. Sure enough, there was a police DUI checkpoint on the way home, and since it was a cab they waved me through. I arrived home safely and without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab home before. I don’t even know where I got it from, and now that it’s in my garage, I don’t know what to do with it.
My mate Dave’s always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything, but lately he doesn’t seem like he’s got a care in the world.
“Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?” I asked him.
“I’ve hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me,” he replied. “Only costs me a grand a week.”
“A grand a week? How the hell are you going to afford that?” I asked.
“Fuck knows. That’s his problem.”
Chủ Nhật, 22 tháng 12, 2019
A Priest and a Cowboy are walking in the desert
They come across a flock of geese so the cowboy pulls out his two guns and empties them in the direction of the geese.
"Fuck, I missed!"
"Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy"
They walk on and come across yet another flock of geese. Same thing.
"Fuck, I missed"
"Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy"
Same thing happens a third time.
Suddenly the Heavens open up and a lightning bolt strikes the priest down. An omnipresent voice, trembling with conviction says:
"Fuck, I missed"
Everything you need to know about Australia
I REALLY hope these are true
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)
__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
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Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from..
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.”
She said, “You pick.”
I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”
She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
A cowboy walks into a bar...
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?
She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.
Thứ Bảy, 21 tháng 12, 2019
"Mom, I'm dating a man."
"Who's the lucky man, sweetheart?"
"Mike the mailman."
"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"
"But mom, age is just a number."
"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
My 4 year old cousin wants me to tell you all this joke
Him: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Him: To get to the idiot's house
(A few hours later)
Him: Knock knock!
Me: Who's there?
Him: The chicken
(Runs away laughing his head off)
A warning to all.
Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. Quite rightly, police are out checking on people.
Last night I went our for a few drinks. Cocktails, then wine. (Not a good idea).
However, knowing I was over the limit, I took the bus back home.
We passed a police check point and I could see they were pulling over drivers and giving them breath tests. They waved the bus past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a surprise as I’d never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from.
A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer says,
"What's your name son"?
He replied. "D-d-d-dav-dav-David sir".
The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, "Oh, do you have a stutter"?
The guy replied, "No, my dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole".
Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.
Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!
Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!
Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!
Boy: What problem?!
Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother!
Boy: Why not?! You married mine!
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme...
Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have have two dollars AT LEAST. And the guy above me? He’s got tons of dollars.
Billy's mom comes home. "Billy, what's wrong?" -"Dad hanged himself in the attic!" he said in tears.
The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.
As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling.
HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"
Thứ Sáu, 20 tháng 12, 2019
A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
A boy asks his dad one day, “Dad, what’s the difference between confident and confidential?”
His dad replies, “Well, you’re my son – I’m confident about that. And your best friend Jimmy is also my son – that’s confidential.”
A man walks up to a bar and sits down. He puts a frog on the bar next to him.
A woman at the other end of the bar watches as the man just sits there drinking while the frog sits next to him. Curiosity finally gets the better of her, so she walks up to the man and asks, "what's with the frog?"
The man looks at the woman and says, "this is my pet frog. He's very special."
"Why?", asked the woman.
" Well, I've taught this frog how to pleasure women orally."
The woman laughs, but the man is serious. After more drinks the woman agrees to let the man prove it.
So they go out back to the man's car, the woman drops trou, and the man places the frog between her legs and tells the frog, "Alright buddy, go to town."
The frog just sits there doing nothing.
"Come on, man. Don't be shy!"
Still, the frog does nothing.
"This is your moment to shine!"
But the frog doesn't move.
So the man picks up the frog, looks the frog in the eyes and says, "This is the last time I'm gonna show you how to do this!!"
Thứ Năm, 19 tháng 12, 2019
Me: Mom meet my girlfriend.
Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better.
Me: But mom, I love her so much!
Mom: I'm talking to her.
Pilot is welcoming the passengers on the plane
Shortly after take off, he announces "This is your Captain speaking, Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is... " Then suddenly he starts screaming his head off,
"Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! It's burning,...It's burning.. This is going to hurt... It's burning."
A ghostly silence reigned in cabin. After a couple of minutes, he gets back on the microphone, talking to the passengers, "I sincerely apologize for the incident but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap... you should see my pants."
One passenger replies, "Why don't you come here and see our PANTS!"
Some people are so ignorant about anatomy.
Just today I had to explain to someone that there is a vas deferens between a testicle and a penis.
Two old Jews are walking past a church
A sign out front reads, "Convert to Catholicism, get $20."
The first Jew keeps walking, but soon notices his friend has stopped to take a closer look at the sign.
"You're not actually thinking about doing that, are you?" he asks his friend.
The second Jew turns back and says, "I don't know, twenty dollars is twenty dollars." He goes inside the Church, and comes back out about thirty minutes later.
"So," says the first Jew, "did you get the twenty dollars?"
The second Jew turns to his friend and says, "Oy, is that all you people think about?"
You know why black people love watching sports?
Easy, cause they dominate that shit.
It's the same reason white people watch the History Channel.
Wait for it
So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.
They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."
So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar."
Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down."
"No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse."
"Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise."
So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass."
So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar."
Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down."
"Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow."
"Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise."
So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that."
Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here."
So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums."
Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down."
"Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken."
"Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums."
So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE."
So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us."
Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off.
Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself
"Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it."
So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says:
"Hey. Why the long face?"
Two Jehovah's Witnesses die and go to Heaven.
As they're knocking at the Pearly Gates, St Peter turns around and whispers...
"Turn out the lights and everybody be quiet!! Maybe they'll think we're not home."
Thứ Tư, 18 tháng 12, 2019
A son asks his father what is the meaning of "in practice" and "in theory"
"Il show you son. Call your sister." Says the father
"Daughter would you sleep with a man for a million dollars?" Asks the father
"Yes of course, that is a once in a life time opportunity!" Answers the daughter
"Okay son now call your grandmother" Says the father
"Grandma would you sleep with a man for a million dollars?" Asks the father
"Yes I would! I would do it for you so the family can thrive financially!" Answers the grandmother
"Okay son now call your mother" Says the father
"Wife, would you sleep with a man for a million dollars?" Asks the father
"Yes! We could buy a bigger house and have loads of vacations!" Answers the mother
The father looks at his son and responds "See son, in theory, we are millionaires but in practice 3 whores live in our house!"
My dad told me this joke, it sounded better in our mother tongue.
Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper
One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda
"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"
"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pogroms, antisemitic hate crimes and it's just depressing and scary, here on the other hand" he says while showing his friend the frontpage " I'm apparently a masterminded banker, have millions in secret accounts and even rule the whole world!"
Never assume what your friends have been up to
Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”.
The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve also been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”.
Finally he turns to the third duck: “so you must be Louie?”
“No” she replies, “I'm Puddles. And don’t ask. Just give me a whiskey, neat.”
[nsfw] Girlfriends sister tries to seduce me
I went to my girlfriend’s house expecting to see her. It was my girlfriend’s sister ( very beautiful) who opened the door in a slutty dress. She asked me to enter the house and said no one is coming home for another 5 hours, she then placed her hands on my shoulders and came close to me.
I stopped her and left the house.
I got into my car and immediately someone knocked on the door, I looked around to see my girlfriend.
And her dad, mom and sister were standing outside.
I got out of my car and my girlfriend hugged me tight and said it was a test and you passed. Her parents and sister also hugged me for being a good boyfriend.
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car
I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread.
He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.
I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough.
Thứ Ba, 17 tháng 12, 2019
I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
"No" she sobbed
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
Three logicians enter a bar
The bartender asks them: "Do all three of you want beer?"
The first one said: "I don't know."
The second also said: "I don't know."
The third one said: "Yes."
If only there was an easier way
Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how
are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten
we can tell them apart."
"Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the
house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin
Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell
who owns which fookin pig.?"
"Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll
ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear".
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again
stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the
other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two fookin pigs with no
fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll
cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin
ears and only one fookin tail."
"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed
into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS
CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS
WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE
GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have
the white one"
A new Navy recruit on his first day posted in A Submarine ...
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"
The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second."
Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight!"
That’s when E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight! Come on in, this could be a major development!" Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility which leads to the moral of our story:
Never let a pianist tell you puns because when it comes to e-flats that are really e-minors theyre nothing but treble. They’ll bring you down, you’ll always get the e-b-g-b’s, 9 times outta 10 they’ll play it by ear, & every time they do the joke will fall flat.
A sheepdog was working with a farmer to get the sheep into the pen.
When he was finished, he said to the farmer, "That's all fifty sheep!"
Confused, the farmer said, "But I only have forty-eight sheep."
The sheepdog replied, "I know. I rounded them up!"
courtesy of my desktop dog calendar I got last xmas
Ninety-five year old virgin
Ninety-five year old Caroline died a virgin. Her last request stated that her headstone should read: "Here lies Caroline, born a virgin, died a virgin" The stone-cutter had a busy day, and made a shorter version, reading: "Caroline, returned unopened"
Thứ Hai, 16 tháng 12, 2019
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him
“I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?”
The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”
Kung Fu student asks his teacher: "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated."
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are on a train
Door opens and a beautiful young woman sits into their compartment.
After a bit, while crossing her legs, the woman accidentally farts. She goes red to the tip of her hair so the Englishman gets up and says:
"My apologies, madam, gentlemen, my lunch disagrees with me"
After a while, the woman accidentally farts again. The Frenchman shoots up like a rocket and says:
"Gentlemen, please excuse me, my lunch disagrees with me".
Then the russian gets up and says:
"I'm going out for a fag, if that bitch shits herself - it was me".
Why do pirates love reddit?
Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold.
Edit: ARRRR! Me farst gold! Much love me matey!
A woman was angry because...
Her husband was coming home late again, so she leave a note saying “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hides underneath the bed so she can watch his reaction.
Soon the husband comes home. She hears him in the kitchen before the comes into the bedroom. She sees him walk up to the dress and pick up the note.
He stops for a minute. Grabs a pen, writes something down on the note. He picks up the phone and calls someone saying “She’s finally gone. Yeah I know, about bloody time. I’m coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie I like. I love you and I cannot wait to see you. We’ll do all the naughty things you like.”
He hung up the phone, grabs his keys, and walks out the door.
She hears the car drive off as she’s holding back tears and comes out from underneath the bed. She’s seething with rage and grabs the note to see what he wrote: “I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in 5 mins.”
Chủ Nhật, 15 tháng 12, 2019
4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip...
As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan. He goes downstairs to reception and asks for a cup of coffee to be delivered to the room.
"Make sure you deliver it exactly after 10 minutes starting from now"
Returning back to the room he joins his comrades midway a Stalin joke. He sits up shocked and exclaims:
"Comrades! You must not say these things! Don't you know? They are listening to our conversations right now!"
The comrades jeer and laugh at him and say that that is impossible.
"Really? Then how do you explain this?"
He gets up and speaks into the lampshade by the beds.
"I would like a black coffee to be delivered to my room, please."
And surely enough, in a short amount of time, a maid walks in with a cup of coffee and some sugar.
The other 3 comrades turn deathly pale and quickly turn in for the night. The last comrade drinks his coffee and peacefully goes to sleep.
Come morning the 4th comrade awakens only to find that his friends and all their belongings are missing.
Throughly confused and anxious, the man walks down the stairs to reception to enquire whether his friends had checked out earlier in the morning.
"I am afraid not sir. You see, the KGB raided your room during the night and placed your friends under arrest for ridiculing the Soviet regime."
"B-but how come they didn't take me?!"
"Oh, the Captain very much enjoyed your joke"
(translated from Russian)
A man walks into a bar
He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.
The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"
The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his glass eye and bites down on it.
Laughing, the man sees that the bartender is upset about losing his money, so he offers him a chance to win it back. "Double or nothin' says I can bite my other eye."
The bartender thinks it over. He knows he was just tricked out of $50 but he also knows that this man can't possibly have two glass eyes, so he pulls another $50 from the register and accepts the man's bet.
The man promptly takes out his false teeth and gently closes them around his other eye.
Now the bartender is visibly angry to have been had for $100, and the man's laughter isn't helping. Just before he throws him out of his bar, the man puts his hand up.
"Real sorry about that, pal. I get people with that bit all the time, but you've been a good sport, so I'll give you another chance to win some cash. I've got... $500 that says if you slide a shot glass down the bar top, I can run alongside of it and piss into the glass without missing a drop. This is kinda hard for me to do, though, so I think it's fair if you give me two chances at it."
The bartender, eager to win his money back from the man, thinks to himself and realizes just how hard it would be for this man to piss into a shot glass while running at full speed. Especially knowing he only has one eye to line up his shot. After a minute of deliberation, he willingly accepts the bet.
The man drops his pants to his ankles and when the bartender puts the shot glass down on the counter, shouts a resounding, "Go!" prompting the bartender to slide it along the bar top.
The man chases after it, holding his dick at an angle to properly aim it. However, pissing while running at full speed isn't easy, so he only manages to get a couple of drops in the glass by the time it reaches the other end.
Catching his breath, the man reminds the bartender he has a second try, and that the first was simply to get his bearings straight. Once again, he shouts, "Go!" giving the bartender his cue to send the shot glass back down the bar.
Once again, the man chases wildly after it, spraying piss all over the bar top, stools, floor, and even hitting some of the bottles of liquor behind the bar. However, not one drop of urine found it's way into the shot glass.
Head hanging low, he hands the bartender $500, to which the bartender gleefully accepted, jumping up and down in joy and cheering in victory at the cash he had just made.
All of a sudden, a man in the back of the bar slams his fist hard against his table and screams "Fuck!" at the top of his lungs.
The bartender mutters aloud, "I wonder what his problem is."
To which the man replies, "Oh, I just bet that guy $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd be so happy about it you jumped up and down with joy."
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts.
This should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday”
A mother is concerned that her son isn't making enough money on his own, so she asks what he will do for a living
And he says he won't have a real job, but he has found a legal loophole to take advantage of the sketchy business practices in his city; he discovered many of the repossession companies in his city didn't fill out the proper paperwork before taking a car away.
So he would buy a new car on loan and intentionally not make the payments. When the repossession company would come, he would let them take it, and then threaten to sue them in court. He would rough himself up a little bit, and the company would settle outside of court; they would pay for the car to avoid getting a negative reputation.
"That's smart son, but what makes you think you'll be successful here?"
"That's easy. Repo sting for car, ma!"
So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.
"Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I think I can save you 10K".
[First day as a rookie cop.]
Me: Dispatch, suspect is dancing down Main street, completely nude.
Dispatch: Copy that.
Me: Well I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.
An eight year old girl went to office with her dad on “Take your kids to work Day”...
As they were walking around the little girl starting crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked what was wrong with her.
As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly: “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”
My missus packed my bags and left them in the hallway
As I walked out the door, she screamed...
"I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!!"
"Oh!" I replied "so you want me to fucking stay now!"
Thứ Bảy, 14 tháng 12, 2019
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said. The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree. The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred. 'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning. The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex! (You have to love this) The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.
How to nail a job interview
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
"That's correct", said the boss. Another glass...
“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
"Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.
"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"
"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"
A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby
A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?"
The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"
A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.
Man: I wish your name was "Burger King".
Genie: Wait, what? Why?
Man: It's for a joke, trust me.
Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke?
Man: Yes.
Burger King: Have it your way.
Thứ Sáu, 13 tháng 12, 2019
I need a raise.
Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values. At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?" He said, "...Scr*w him .........give him a dollar." The blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."
I’m outta here!!
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that …… French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote. "I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."
3 Condoms - NSFW
Guy goes to the pharmacy to buy a condom. His girlfriend told him she would not have sex with him unless he first met her family and has dinner with them.
Pharmacist at counter: " just one condom? You sure?"
Guy: "actually, my girlfriend's sister is pretty hot...lets make it two condoms."
Pharmacist: "just two then? That's it?"
Guy: "let's make it three. The mom is really hot too."
That night he goes to dinner and her whole family is there. He sits at the table not saying a word, his face red as a tomato.
His girlfriend takes him in the bedroom after they eat.
Girlfriend: "what's wrong with you? You didn't say a word all night. Did something happen?"
Guy: "no, I just didn't know your dad worked at the pharmacy."
We're in Trouble
The population of this country is 327 million.
76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.
There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work
There are 74 million children younger than 6
Which leaves 129 million to do the work
There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school.
Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work.
At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation
Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work
Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military.
Leaving 14.8 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East.
Which leaves 12 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.
And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your ass,
At your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.
Thứ Năm, 12 tháng 12, 2019
Joke by my 4 year old nephew, please try not to downvote. It made me laugh when he said it though.
Nephew: are you gluten intolerant?
Me(surprised he knew about gluten): yes I am, sweetheart
Nephew: how intolerant of you
My wisdom will kill me one day
I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home.
Finally, it turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
Imagine what would have happened to the bottle!....
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere, how can you say the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside when you heard someone coming... that was me"
An American doctor is doing aid work in an Afghan village.
A woman in the village gives birth to a white baby. The village leader goes to the doctor and says:
“Doctor I am no fool. You’re the only white man around for miles. That baby must be yours.”
The doctor is caught off guard and as he’s pondering what to say he sees a group of goats. The goats are mostly white but there’s one brown goat. The doctor tells the village leader:
“Look over at those goats! See, sometimes this happens naturally. All those goats are white except for that one brown one.”
The village leader looks to the doctor and says:
“Ahh I see your point, doctor. Tell you what, I won’t say anything about that white baby if you don’t say anything about that brown goat”
Paratroopers from England, Scotland, France and the US were on a plane...
During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute.
The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute.
The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute.
The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman.
PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34
ME: I can’t afford that
PIZZA GUY: Well you’ll have to pay some other way.
ME: [takes out wallet] Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars.
PORN DIRECTOR: Cut! The fuck are you doing?
A cat died and went to Heaven
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”
The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”
God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.
A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.”
God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”
The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious.”
A couple are asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door". The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you". "Could you give me a push" says the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you're drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us"? "You should go outside and help the poor man". Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out "Do you still need a push"? In the distance he hears a reply "Yes Please". "Where are you" to which he hears "Over here on the swing set"
Thứ Tư, 11 tháng 12, 2019
So there's a new machine down at the drug store...
Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.
Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and it diagnoses you right on the spot!"
Kevin is highly skeptical of this new miracle machine, but decides what the hell, goes home and pees in a cup, and then heads to the drug store the next morning to find the machine. He puts in his urine sample and $10. The machine hums, beeps, and whirs, and out pops a slip of paper.
"You have tennis elbow."
Well that's bullshit, thinks Kevin, I don't even play tennis! So he decides to test the machine.
He heads home and has his wife pee in a cup. He collects some of his daughter's saliva, some of his dog's shit, and to top it off, he jacks off into the cup. He heads back down to the drug store with this mix and another $10, and inserts it into the machine.
The machine hums, beeps, and whirs, and out pops another slip of paper.
"Your wife is pregnant and it's not yours, get a divorce lawyer.
Your daughter is on drugs, get her to rehab.
Your dog has worms, take him to the vet.
And if you don't stop jacking off, your tennis elbow will never go away."
A demon caught three men, an American, an Indian, and a Brit.
The demon said that he is going to eat them. But being in good mood he gave them chance to escape death and go home, should they pass his test: survie three strikes of his whip. He also said that they can wish for any one thing to protect themselves against the whip.
The American gone first. He wished for a shield made of titanum steel. But the shild held only for two strikes. At the first strike of the demonic whip it severely deformed, at the second strike it protected the American, but completely fell appart. The third strike killed the poor American.
Then came the Indian. "I don't need anything to protect myself.", said the Indian. "I practiced yoga for decades, both my mind and my body are ready to withstand any punishment that you whip will give." And so he did. Demon's whip didn't leave even a scar on yogi's body . "Okay, you passed my test", the demon said,"You can go". "I will stick around for while, I'm curious about what the Brit will do."
The demon asked the Brit: "Now it's your turn. What will you use to protect yourself?".
"Why, the Indian, of course!".
What else could he say??
A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.
"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.
"That's his trunk, honey," Mom replied.
"No, that other thing," Johnny insisted.
"Oh, you must be looking at his tail," Mom offered.
"No, Mommy, that big thing underneath him, by his belly," Johnny said. Realizing her son was asking about the elephant's penis, Mom got embarassed.
"Oh, that's nothing, sweetie. Daddy went to get some popcorn. When he comes back, he can tell you all about the elephants."
Soon, Dad came back with popcorn, and Mom went to use the restroom. Johnny took the opportunity to question his father. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Daddy?"
"That's his trunk, son," Dad said.
"No, Daddy, not his trunk, and not his tail. I mean that big thing underneath, by his belly," Johnny repeated.
"Oh, that," Dad said. "That's his penis, Johnny."
"Huh," mused the five year old. "Mommy said that was nothing."
"Son," sighed Dad, "I've spoiled that woman."
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell..... 'BOB, wake up....... You've shit the bed!
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
Presidents
Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents:
– We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws eggs, fruits - saw somebody throwing a pineapple at him; he get spit a lot and we swear at him aloud ...
– Here, In Russia, when Putin passes by, everybody urinates on him, but you know, everybody!
- Well, let's be serious; I exaggerated a little ... we swear at Trump, but in a whisper ... we throw at him ... but in front of our TVs ...
- Well, I exaggerated a bit as well ... We really urinate, but we don't put our pants down ...
[Now: not a native speaker, so mistakes should be overlooked, of course, I hope it's not a repost]
A farmer and a king died at the same time.
They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.
"Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?"
The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits.
"Wonderful," said St. Peter. "What can you do, your majesty?"
The king immediately went to the nearest toilet and flushed it.
Ultimately, St. Peter made the decision to allow the king into heaven.
And the moral of the story is, a royal flush always wins against a pear, no matter how big.
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