JOB APPLICANT AT A WINERY

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable. "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass... “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires...

Read More

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline...

Read More

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.

But nobody will do it....

Read More

If I were American, I'd vote Bernie...

But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump...

Read More

A man dies and goes to hell.

There the devil tells him that there are different hells. He goes around checking to find the least painful one. First, he comes to the American hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the American devil will whip you for another 12 hours." Then he comes to the Russian hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Russian devil will whip you for another 12 hours." He notices a long...

Read More

There's this kid named Tommy. He has no body. He is just a head.

Tommy was born without a body or any limbs, so his entire life he has existed as a head only-- he learned to roll around, use his mouth to maneuver things, and live just like a normal kid. One day Tommy rolled into school just like any other day, banged against his locker to open it, started to get his books when, all of a sudden, he spots a new student. Tommy thinks she's absolutely beautiful. Her hair is perfect, her body is amazing (which Tommy slightly envied, but had gotten over those thoughts mostly by now), and she had an amazing sense...

Read More

I just realized my countertop is made of marble..

I have been taking it for granite all these years....

Read More

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat

She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not....

Read More

Dr. Geezer

An old geezer got bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign that said “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1000.” Dr. Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to win $1000. He went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic and says, “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?” Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.” Dr. Young...

Read More

Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.

Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious - I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!" Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant..." Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"...

Read More

I think my wife is putting glue on my rifle collection.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns....

Read More

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support, people are going to think we're nuts!...

Read More

How much space will Brexit free up in the EU?

1GB...

Read More

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90. In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955. In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see that the shoe shop was still in business and is still at the same location. The man enters the shop and starts talking to the owner. The owner explains that he is, in fact, the grandson of the original owner and has worked in the shop all his life. The man gives...

Read More

Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly, and poor....

Read More

Anal sex is like getting your first crappy and old bike

You don’t want it but your dad is going to give it you anyway...

Read More

Hear about the guy that dipped his balls in glitter?

Pretty nuts...

Read More

i call myself terms and conditions

because y'all keep ignoring me...

Read More

I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.

It reminds me why there’s no money in there....

Read More

A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

Including my name, address and phone number....

Read More

If the line you're waiting in is too long...

Just cough and say "this damn cough I got since I got back from China"....

Read More

Just found out that Keith Richards and Mick Jagger were killed when a car driven by David Crosby crashed into them. I hope it’s not true, but if it is,

it’ll be the first time two Stones were killed with one Byrd....

Read More

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales....

Read More

I just read the “100 things to do before you die” list….

I’m surprised that 'Call 911' didn’t make the cut....

Read More

Two Gay men are on a long overnight flight.

One gay man says to the other "Hey you want to join the mile high club right here?" The other gay man replied "Here? We will get caught!" The first man smiles and says "Relax everyone is asleep. Watch" he then stands up and says "Does anyone have a pencil?" To which he recieves no response. This is enough for the other gay man who stands up and gets behind the man at which point they have sex. A few hours later a flight attendant walking down the down the aisle see an old man who has thrown up all over himself. She asks the man "Sir why didn't...

Read More

What do you call a kid who is born in a whorehouse?

A brothel sprout (I’ll let myself out)...

Read More

Does your dick touch your asshole?

A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer. Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?" Father: "Tell me son... does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No, it doesn't." Father: "Then no, you can't have any." The father finishes his beer and lights up a cigarette. Son: "Dad, can I try your cigarette?" Father: "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Son: "No." Father: "Then you can't try it." The pair head to a convenience store to pick up more beer and smokes. The father decides to buy a couple scratch tickets...

Read More

4 people having sex is called a foursome

3 people having sex is called a threesome Now I know why they call me handsome....

Read More

What do you call a slow bullet?

A slug...

Read More

What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?

Very little....

Read More

Why do men give their jackets to women when they are cold?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth...

Read More

It's a young blonde genie's first day on the job...

It's a young blonde genie's first day on the job. After returning to genie HQ from her very first charge, she is clearly distraught. The other genies, concerned, ask her what's wrong. She tells them of the young man who's wishes she granted. For his first wish, he asked for a truckload of money. Easy enough, *poof* I provide him with a huge truck, filled top to bottom with cash, and he appears very happy. For his second wish, he wants to be adored by hundreds of beautiful women. I Grant him this wish as well. All the women who are walking by smile...

Read More

I won the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have $999,999.75...

Read More

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago, her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mum I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Paris. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties – he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?” She replied: “My upper half you can see, my body is yours to explore, but down there I...

Read More

Did you hear about the hungry clock?

It went back for seconds...

Read More

A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it. He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants. The driver shouts out to the boy "Do u realize that if I had not seen u, this would have been ur last f...!!! Boy -'Listen dude, you were coming, She was coming and I was coming, then I realised only You have Brakes....

Read More

My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her legs...

If you put your ear to it, you can smell the sea....

Read More

A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know.

One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway. Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. “Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma. A policeman went down the line, asking for information from...

Read More

Two Boys One Tampon

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four." "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now,...

Read More

A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’ So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, ‘You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?’ The guy replies, ‘No I don’t...

Read More

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila When he got home, he set them on the table His son immediately picked up both bottles The dad asks "What are you doing?!" The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"...

Read More

When you say the word "poop"

your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop. The same is true for "explosive diarrhea"....

Read More

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. ​ Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that...

Read More

I didn't take my husband's name when I got married.

I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith...

Read More

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state....

Read More

I starting wearing depressing outfits

It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves....

Read More

Man asks the Waitress: "Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

The waitress slaps his face and answers really pissed: "The men I please are none of your damn business!"...

Read More

A guy sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too"....

Read More

"I can't ever see you again. I won't let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK."

Trainer: It was one sit up. You did one sit up....

Read More

[NSFW]An old dark joke

A kid returns home after playing baseball only to find his sister having sex with someone. He doesnt make a sound and hides in the closet. When their parents come home the man rushes and hides in the same closet. The kid whispers, "Its dark in here, right?" The man replies, "Yes, what do you want?" "I have this awesome baseball gloves. Do you wanna buy it for $100?" "No, its expensive" "If you dont buy it, I am gonna tell my dad" "Alright fine" The kid forces the man to buy it and as promised he doesnt make a fuss. A week later, the same thing...

Read More

When the doctor told me that he had fitted a thermostat instead of a pacemaker, I was livid.

It made my blood boil....

Read More

Friend told me to stop filing taxes and go watch anime with him

but this isn't even my final form....

Read More

My friend David had his ID stolen.

Now he's just Dave....

Read More

Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in

Me: Thanks for reminding me...

Read More

To the person who stole my glasses

I will find you. I have contacts....

Read More

A tree's first winter must be terrifying.

Imagine the releaf they feel in spring....

Read More

How do flat-earthers travel the earth?

On a plane...

Read More

[nsfw] A chef had a one night stand with a 5 foot tall girl.

Shouldn't come as a surprise, really. Chefs like to bone a petite....

Read More

Everyone knows of famous martial artist, Bruce Lee

But no one ever talks about his family. His brother, the revolutionary vegetarian activist, Brocco Lee. His cousin, the hesitant statistician, Probab Lee. His uncle, the trustworthy politician, Honest Lee. And of course, the Spanish inquisitor, Juan "Expected" Lee....

Read More

A husband and wife were sleeping one night

When they wake up the next morning, the wife says, "I had a funny dream. I dreamt that there was an auction and they were auctioning off penis'. Little ones were $10, big ones were $100" "How much was were the ones like mine going for?" "They were giving them away." "Well," He says, "I had a similar dream. I dreamed that there was an auction for vaginas. Big ones were $10 and little ones were $100." "What about ones like mine?" She inquires. "That's where they had the auction!"...

Read More

What do you call a person who doesn’t wash his hands after pooping?

Arnold from marketing on the 7th floor. Fuck you dude, that’s disgusting. I know you sort by new and can see this. Wash your hands and Lysol your keyboard....

Read More

This guy Bill has been having headaches for about 40 years..

...he doesnt know what to do so he finally goes to a doctor for the pain. The doctor checks him and says "bill I’m not sure how to tell you this , but you have a very rare condition where your balls press up against your spine and put pressure on your head. That’s why you've been getting these headaches" Bill shocked and scared asks the doctor "what should i do doc" Doctor sighs and tells Bill "im sorry only thing we can do is castrate you" . Bill is shocked , he shudders at the thought of getting his balls cut off . He tells the doctor he’ll...

Read More

A very old joke called, "Why Worry?"

Why Worry? In life, there are really only two things to worry about. Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, there's nothing to worry about. If you are sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you get better, or you die. If you get better, there's nothing to worry about. If you die, there are two things to worry about. Going to Heaven, or going to Hell. If you go to Heaven, there's nothing to worry about. If you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends that you won't have time to worry...so why...

Read More

An Authoritarian walks into a bar.

Orders everyone around....

Read More

A guy gets hit by a car.

He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him. The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes. The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?" The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me." The nurse asks "well do you have any relatives that could help you pay?" The guy says "No, my only living relative is my sister. She's an un-married nun." The nurse interrupts and says "Actually, nuns are married to God." The guys goes "Ok then, send the...

Read More

My wife left me because I am insecure

No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee....

Read More

Donald Trump gets executed and is hanged by the neck until dead.

At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly. “But Donald, CNN says you were killed!” Ivanka cried. “Nope!” Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, “fake noose.”...

Read More

My friends always get mad at me when I steal their kitchen utensils

But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take...

Read More

Chicken walks into a bar

Bartender says "Wrong joke, yours is across the road"...

Read More

The other day I told a girl, “You look great without glasses.”

Girl: “I don’t wear glasses.” Me, while polishing my lenses: “No, but I do.”...

Read More

Sex Therapy

A doctor had a good reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you." "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye...

Read More

“Roger Federer, what do you love most about your country, Switzerland?”

“Well the flag is a big plus”...

Read More

A higgs boson particle goes into a church...

...and the preacher says, “higgs boson aren’t allowed in here! you call yourself the God particle, sacrilege!!” …to which the higgs boson particle replies “if you don’t allow higgs boson particles, how do you have mass?”...

Read More

I'm trying to work on being less condescending.

(Condescending means treating people like they have less intelligence than me)...

Read More

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that’s ever served me.

  With just the tip....

Read More

A snake walks into a bar..

And the bartender says "how the fuck did you do that"...

Read More

My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 3 AM!

Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing the tuba....

Read More

Why did the chicken cross the road?

No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance....

Read More

I tried to re-marry my ex wife

But she figured out I was only after my money....

Read More

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable." "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own...

Read More

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer and so on and so forth. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."...

Read More

After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times....

Read More

xi jinping has coronavirus

He is now called winnie the flu...

Read More

r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 10k members! Come see reposts in real time! https://discord.gg/jokes...

Read More

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous...

Read More

What did Charizard say to Pikachu?

Charizard...

Read More

Wife is pregnant

Wife- I’m pregnant Husband- Hi pregnant, I’m dad Wife- No, you’re not...

Read More

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today....

As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door....

Read More

Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.

Neil before me....

Read More

The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi...

Read More

My daughter was trying to convince me that the dress she was going out in wasn’t slutty,

but I saw right through it....

Read More

“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.

“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf....

Read More

The man who invented Velcro has died.

RIP...

Read More

It's easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.

But it's harder to deter gents. I'll let myself out....

Read More

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig ?

The F...

Read More

My twin brother prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently....

Read More

Don’t worry, the coronavirus won’t last long.

Because it’s made in China....

Read More

I asked my English teacher where the last name Smith came from

"Well," he said, "in the past family names were often descriptive. People who forged iron for a living were called smiths, so that eventually led to the last name Smith." 'Is that where names likes Fisher come from too?' I asked. "Yes," he replied, "that's exactly where they come from." 'Thank-you,' I gushed, 'you're the best teacher ever Mr. Dickinson!'...

Read More

A woman brought a very limp duck to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.” The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” replied Dr.Santa. “How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with...

Read More

I predict, in years to come there’ll be a nuclear war in the Middle East, which’ll leave only one country and the Persian Gulf .

Just Kuwait and sea....

Read More

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers...

Read More

6 life lessons

Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the...

Read More

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it's fully groan....

Read More

I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"

It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great....

Read More

My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love

so we started using lubricant...

Read More

My left nut thinks it's better than my right nut.

He can be egotesticle....

Read More

I came home and found my books all over the floor

There's nobody to blame but my shelf....

Read More

STDs are a lot like Pokemon...

It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over....

Read More

What my girlfriend thought on our first four dates

Nice shirt. Wow. A second nice shirt. OK, first shirt again. He has two shirts. ...

Read More

At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me...

Guess I went a little too far with that joke....

Read More

Chocolate is like guns

if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend...

Read More

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers...

Read More

Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years

The dry erase board is probably the most remarkable...

Read More

A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up

He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a... I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counter, and produces an apple which he sets in front of his customer. The man is a bit confused and reiterates his order, stating “I asked for a Crown and 7, I’m not very hungry...” The bartender smirks and tells his patron “Sir, that is what I have given...

Read More

I was once in a relationship with twins.

Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick....

Read More

Me and my friend have an amputee foot fetish.

I know, it's gross, but we can only cum on prosthetic legs. Anyway, our last three-way with an amputee, we both prematurely came on her real toes! I had to politely ask the girl, "Can we start over? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot."...

Read More

I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.

I’m sure that must have been a record....

Read More

If life gives you melons

you might be dyslexic...

Read More

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice....

Read More

What's the difference between a scientist and plumber?

The way they pronounce unionized...

Read More

After getting all of the Popes luggage loaded into the limo...

...the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the...

Read More

I wanna tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?...

Read More

What's the difference between a 20 dollar steak and a 55 dollar steak?

February 14th...

Read More

My neighbor owes me $500 but won't pay.

Lawyer: Do you have proof? Me: No L: Send him a bill for the $5000 he owes you. M: But it's only $500. L: Exactly, he will respond saying just that. And you will have proof....

Read More

Two Arab guys get on a plane.

One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off an Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a Coke.” “No problem,” said the Israeli, “Stay there, I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spat in it. When the Israeli returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.” Again, the Israeli...

Read More

Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail?

When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail...

Read More

I told my wife she's been painting her eyebrows on a little too high.

She seemed surprised....

Read More

We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills is 90210 but what’s the zip code to Dawson’s Creek?

Spoiler 90108 for our lives to be over......

Read More

After the Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The...

Read More

a Country Boy visited the City and met a girl in a Bar who invited him back to her house,

When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too. She said: "Let's start with a 69" The Country Boy replied: "What's that?" With that she got him into position, and they went at it Within a minute of starting, the City Girl felt a fart coming on She tried holding it back, but she figured the Country Boy was probably enjoying what she was doing to him and just let it rip Less than a Minute later, she felt another one coming on and since he hadn't said anything, let this one out as well After that, the Country Boy pushed her off,...

Read More

For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people.

Condescending means to talk down to someone....

Read More

What goes with the Coronavirus?

Lyme Disease...

Read More

Yes i masturbate fully naked

if you dont like it, go to another starbucks...

Read More

Slightly NSFW joke

Conversation between maid and owner:. (owner is a female) Maid: I need a raise Owner: you already have got a raise Maid: that was 18 months ago Owner: why do you then deserve.this raise? Maid: I am better than you in many things Owner: ok tell me Maid: I am better at ironing clothes than you Owner: who told you Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: I also am better at cooking than you Owner: now who told you that? Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: and I also am better than you in bed Owner: did my husband tell you that too? Maid: no the Gardner...

Read More

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”

Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”...

Read More

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario....

Read More

If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test...

I'd have $6.30 right now...

Read More

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil...

Read More

Sorry sir, we don't serve time travelers here

A time traveler walks into a bar...

Read More

Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.

They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed...

Read More

Today i taught my son a lesson by eating his homework.

Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth....

Read More

What's the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?

The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-...

Read More

I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits,

and I asked if they were gay. They arrested me....

Read More

Jesus walks into a bar

“Just twelve waters please!” Winks at disciples...

Read More

Teenage boy can't figure out how his friend gets laid all the time -- but he doesn't

He asks his friend how he does it. The friend whispers, "I'll tell you, but keep it a secret." The teenage boy excitedly agrees. "All you have to do is, before you go to the beach, put a big potato down in your bathing suit. The girls will swarm you in no time." The teenage boy does as instructed, but instead, the girls see him, scream and run away. "What did I do wrong?" the teenage boy asks his friend. The friend looks him over and shakes his head. "Christ, man. You're supposed to put it down the FRONT."...

Read More

Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I'm 72% jesus.

I'm also 100% in prision....

Read More

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."...

Read More

Why do Chinese kids not believe in Santa ?

Because they make the Toys...

Read More

What did the bird say to the conspiracy theorist?

Nothing, birds aren't real...

Read More

I own a farm and this morning one of my farmhands was dancing naked in front of the tractor.

I asked what the hell are you doing? He said his wife and him were having problems and the marriage counselor told him he had to do something sexy to a tractor....

Read More

Rolled my first joint last night.

God my ankle hurts this morning....

Read More

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.” “I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.” “I agree,” says the Father. “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?” “Anything, Father.” “I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours…” “Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any...

Read More

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes away. A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep...

Read More

Why don’t introverted trees want to be chopped down?

They don’t want to dialog...

Read More

I got an email saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backward.”

And I thought, “that’s just spam”....

Read More

NSFW Girl to her friend: Do you know how many calories there are in a load of cum?

Friend: Sweetie, if you're swallowing enough to worry about it, no one will care if you're a little chubby....

Read More

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right....

Read More

Young Jesus: mom where do babies come from?

Joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea Mary, where DO babies come from?...

Read More

I went to the zoo and I saw a baguette in a cage.

I asked the zookeeper about it and he said it was bread in captivity....

Read More

A man died and was waiting in line to get into Heaven.

He was third in line, and overheard St. Peter talking to the other souls. "What were you in life?" St. Peter asked of one man. "I was a personal injury lawyer," came the reply. "Well, come with me," said St. Peter. "I will show you to your quarters." And St. Peter led the man to a sumptuous palace, more glorious than anything on earth. St. Peter returned to the line, and asked the next man what he did in life. The man replied, "In life, I was Pope John Paul II." St. Peter said, "Let me show you to your quarters," and led the Pontiff to a tiny...

Read More

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value...

Read More

A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.

He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus. “Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?” The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says, “My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.” The country boy replies, “My apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”...

Read More

A retired Marine is standing alone at a public occasion

A beautiful young woman spots him and decides to have a little fun with him. She goes up to him and asks,"When did you last have sex?" He replies saying,"1945" The woman feels bad for him and says,"Come with me and we'll have a great time" The marine goes with her and they have amazing sex At the end the woman says,"You know,you're in great shape since the last time you had sex was a long time ago" The marine replies saying,"Can't say it's been long,it was only half an hour ago"...

Read More

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it

My illegal logging business is a success...

Read More

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”...

Read More

“Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”

Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my tickets are bogus!...

Read More

I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety

Before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything'...

Read More

What's the definition of a reverse exorcism?

It's when you ask the Devil to get the priest out of your little boy...

Read More

Hey Bob, do you shower after sex

Hey Bob, do you shower after sex? Well, of course I do. Great, could you please get laid more often? ...

Read More

If big feet means big dick and big car means small dick...

Then no wonder people are so scared of clowns....

Read More

If a kid refuses to sleep during a nap time..

Are they guilty of resisting a rest?...

Read More

I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares

It's nice to have some company...

Read More

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there. The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere. The third guy doesn't go anywhere. 6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all the countries in Europe and have become more cultured after visiting all their historic sites. The second guy says, "I went to Europe and became more cultured, Asia and learned martial arts, Africa and fed starving children and Australia and fought a stingray, and survived....

Read More

When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

I was touched....

Read More

I’m a big fan of whiteboards.

I find them quite re-markable....

Read More

Reddit was down this morning

Leaving millions of workers nothing to do except their jobs...

Read More

An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..." The father was furious. "WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!" "OK...

Read More

My friend's financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.

That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility....

Read More

A blonde teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me...

...that babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear." Replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it in so much detail to her daughter. "But then when I have a baby," responded the blonde teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"...

Read More

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?" Saint Peter said, "Your wish is granted!" POOF She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfill her fantasy. The second nun agreed and said, "I'd like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?" Saint Peter said again, "Your wish is granted!" POOF Away she went! The...

Read More

Genie: What will your first wish be?

Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: And your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money....

Read More

According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a persons aura changes right before they die.

Cyan-aura....

Read More

I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster....

Read More

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one. At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks,...

Read More

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex...

But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia...

Read More

Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?...

Read More

Wait if the sex of a baby is determined by the father's sperm ...

...does that make semen gender-fluid?...

Read More

My asshole twin brother just called me from prison.

He said: "Gil... remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"...

Read More

A woman decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated… A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says… “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:… “Hi Davey. Want...

Read More

Hand Jobs $20 (NSFW)

A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads Grilled Cheese - $3 Ham and Cheese $5 Roast Beef - $6 Hand jobs -$20 A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?" "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" He asks. "Yes I am!." She replies with a wink. "Well wash your fucking hands, I'll have a Grilled Cheese sandwich."...

Read More

Two old men go into a whore house.

The head prostitute tells the new girl to put a couple of blow up dolls in their beds and take out the bulbs of their lamps. "They pretty much blind anyway" she explained. Later that night, the first old man comes down the stairs looking worried. "I think the woman I'm with is dead?" "Why?" Asked the new girl. "She ain't movin or breathin." Before she can attempt to explain the second old man comes down the sairs with the same worried look on his face. "I think the woman I was with was a witch!" "Why?" Asked the new girl again. "Well when I bit...

Read More

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One..."...

Read More

A girl killed a butterfly [Slightly NSFW]

Her father became mad and said "No butter for you" Later, the girl killed a honeybee, her father again became mad and said "No honey for you" The girl later killed a cockroach. Her father said "Nice try, this is Alabama" (Sorry, English is not my first language)...

Read More

I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now...

Read More

As I get older, I remember all the people I've lost along the way.

Then I think to myself being a tour guide is a profession I shouldn't have chosen....

Read More

Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.

He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince....

Read More

What kind of organization does an atheist start?

A non-prophet one...

Read More

What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?

Alien vs. predator....

Read More

In America, dogs are K9...

In China, dogs are E10....

Read More

I looked deep into her eyes

And my legs grew weak at the knees, my heart fluttered, and the butterflies started in my stomach. I knew, in that moment, I'd roofied the wrong glass......

Read More

I like my women like I like my baristas.

Jenna please come back I don't know how to make coffee....

Read More

My daughter has started asking me questions about the human body

I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there...

Read More

Why did Jeffrey Epstein's English teacher fail him?

Because he never finished his sentences......

Read More

What do you call an incel in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile....

Read More

I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.

I have a Czech one, too. One too....

Read More

What did the 3 tampons say to each other at the bus stop?

Nothing, they’re stuck up cunts...

Read More

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe. As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."...

Read More

Where do horses go when they get sick?

The horse-pital. No I’m kidding they get shot...

Read More

One day, a wife came home early.

One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home,...

Read More

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door

​ A boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy “No, they went in to town.” The boy replied “Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked “No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says “I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.” “Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.” The...

Read More

By legalizing cannabis and same sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly.

" A man who lays with another man should be stoned. " (Leviticus 20: 13)...

Read More

Why did the hipster fall into the lake?

He went ice skating before it was cool....

Read More

Two young boys think it's about time to start swearing.

All of their friends swear, but it's just never been their thing. But tomorrow is the day! They decide to have a sleepover so they can start swearing together. The morning comes and both boys wake up excitedly and head downstairs to breakfast. The mother asked her son "what would you like for breakfast?" Her son replies "I'll take some fruit loops bitch." The mother immediately smacks the kid upside the head and sends him back to his room. She turns to the boys friend and says "I'm so sorry you had to see that, what would you like for breakfast?"...

Read More

Donald Trump is president. I think if George Washington were alive today, he'd look around and say, "What the fuck is going on? "

"How am I still alive?"...

Read More

I named my dog insane.

So when people ask me ‘are you fucking insane?’ I’ll say no, I’m fucking my sister....

Read More

Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end

You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck...

Read More

Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back...

Read More

A dick has a sad life

His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner always beats him....

Read More

What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog....

Read More

My son loves my Delorean

So I let him drive it from time to time...

Read More

The Little Old Lady At Service (not mine)

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight." she replied. "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy...

Read More

I have just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know....

Read More

I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.

She said, “You can’t do this to me!” I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”...

Read More

1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness

So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you....

Read More

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East. Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have been. After months of searching, the investigator comes back to her with only a single photo of the boy adopted out to the Mexican couple. "There's no photo of the other child!?" the woman says, dismayed. The investigator shrugs. "Geeze, lady! They're twins!...

Read More

Recently I lost my friend’s trust and respect..

He didn't like to see me sniffing his little sister's panties. Maybe it was because she was wearing it, other than that I don't see what could have bothered him. Anyway, the rest of her funeral went very badly for me....

Read More

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids....

Read More

A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours...

Read More

What kind of Dr is Dr. Pepper?

A Fizzician....

Read More

The Pregnant Woman On The Bus (not mine)

Another classic... A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... ... ... ... The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on...

Read More

A man is lost in the desert...

A man attempts to cross a desert by camel-back, but finds himself lost after some days. Having food, water, and supplies, he starts to lack only one thing upon his journey: companionship. After a couple of weeks alone, he figures 'what the heck...' and drops his trousers behind his camel and proceeds to start mounting the camel. As he does so, the camel whips its head all the way around and bites him in the face. A few more days go by, and the man starts to really need a lay. He tries a similar tactic of going behind the camel, but tries doing...

Read More

A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly...

and as you can see, they were Wright....

Read More

A human asks a mermaid why she wears seashells

Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells...

Read More

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the...

Read More

Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "Two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "One, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's noggin, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "Look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one- believe me, I've counted to one many,...

Read More

What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?

Everyone I ask can't remember either....

Read More

I call my hand Handy and my foot Footy. What do I call my dick?

Useful. Because it always comes in Handy....

Read More

Thank god Canada’s not the super power

or we’d all be sorry...

Read More

A bodybuilder and a Blonde

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid...

Read More

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job...

We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”...

Read More

I'm so tired of jokes about gay people

I mean come on guys...

Read More

When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.

"Over there, next to mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting....

Read More

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist...

Read More

My teacher always starts her class by reading one of the posts from r/jokes, but today she’s absent.

So instead, a subreddit....

Read More

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When...

Read More

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first man says “I’ll have H2O please.” The bartender replies “Sure thing, and you?” The second man says “I’ll have H2O aswell please.” The bartender turns around and mutters to himself “Dammit, I’ll get him next time.”...

Read More

I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long.

He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning." I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall....

Read More

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some butt- hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he ..........added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with...

Read More

Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant

They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed - service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside. The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in here." The man replies, you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." Skeptical, the manager asks, "your guide dog is a doberman?" The man replies, "you see, a doberman helps protect me against burglars." The manager lets him through. The chihuahua...

Read More

A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper "Wanna hear a joke about blondes?"

Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers "Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe... he's just released from prison after he broke a dude's jaw and his two arms. He is blond too. Are you sure you wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind man takes a minute to think about that, turns on his barchair and says "OK, FINE... I won't tell the joke... I don't have the time to explain that...

Read More

A dad was washing his car with his son

After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"...

Read More

I used to bang a set of twins...

People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock....

Read More

A german was peeing in a street in New York...

... and a lady looks at him and says: 'Gross.' To which the German replies: 'Danke!'...

Read More

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

Yes, we arson....

Read More

Little Johnny

So, little Johnny is at his grandparents house and he sees his grandfather drinking some beer and asks if he can have some. His grandfather then asks, can your dick touch your asshole? Little Johnny responds no and his grandfather tells him that he can have some beer when it can. The next day little Johnny’s grandma made him some cookies. His grandfather walks in and asks if he can some. Little Johnny then asks, can your dick touch your asshole? His grandfather responds yes and little Johnny said, well then go fuck yourself these are my cooki...

Read More

Chicken walks into a bar

Bartender says: "Wrong joke, yours is across the road?"...

Read More

A man, a dog, and a cow were on a cruise when their ship sank.

The man, the dog, and the cow were the only survivors. They swam to a deserted island covered with a thick jungle. They started to explore the jungle. There was enough food in the jungle to feed the three of them, and the man could build a shelter out of the trees. "We can live here for years," said the man. After spending a few days on the island, the man realized that he was unlikely ever to see a woman again. "From now on," he thought, "I will have to do it with my cow." The man lowered his pants. He ran towards the cow. But the dog jumped...

Read More

I just learned that a friend of mine who had a stutter died in jail

He didn't even complete his sentence...

Read More

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax, and then…..”...

Read More

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all. And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!" And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!" And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, sure. But never end the thing the lord gave us without changing everything first. I'm leaving tomorrow on a boat for Europe. I know one of the stevedores. I'll find you a place to stowaway, and we can start a new life over there. I'll make you happy. You'll make me happy. It doesn't...

Read More

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids....

Read More

My grandfather who used to tell me knock knock jokes from since I was very little told me his last joke before he past away. This is it...

Him: Knock Knock Me: Who’s there? Him: Howard Me: Howard who? Him: Howard you like to be knocking for a change? This joke really made me laugh and I thought I’d share it with all you....

Read More

Help, Someone from Russia is trying to hack my phone

Edit: sorry, I not hacked. Motherland do no such thing. Have good day comrades....

Read More

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey,...

Read More