There was nothing left but de brie...
Thứ Năm, 30 tháng 4, 2020
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555,55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth....
Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together...
The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but... Again a tuna sandwich?"
The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too... Again!"
The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same too..."
The next day, they have lunch together and again they eat tuna sandwiches. And the next day again, and again and again, till when the brunette girl can't take it anymore and says: "That's it! If I have to eat a tuna sandwich one more time I swear I throw myself out of the...
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.
The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties...
A man with a 25 inch penis...
Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well give it a try. So he goes to the witch doctor and the witch doctor said” Oh, that’s easy. Just climb up the Bear Mountains and go down Bear Mountains. Fog will appear then disappear. Once the fog disappear, a frog will appear on a lily pad. Ask that frog...
How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.
6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.'
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.'
15 know-it-alls...
A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"
The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"...
One day Achilles and Testiclles ar talking
Testiclles said "Why is your name Achilles?" and Achilles said "When my mother dipped me in the river, she held me by my heel. My tendon is my only weak spot" and then he said "And why is your name Testiclles?"...
An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"
So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 60 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"...
Thứ Tư, 29 tháng 4, 2020
I was in bed last night with my wife...
I was in bed last night with my wife. She turns to me and says "If you turn the lamp off, I'll take it up the arse."
I should have waited for the bulb to cool down....
A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating"
"What the hell is testiculating?" the man asks.
Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"
The man considers this for a moment.
"Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"
"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"
The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."...
Masturbation is like buying IKEA furniture.
At first, it sounds like a great idea.
But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone....
A man takes his wife to get tested
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.
The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’
The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
The doctor calmly suggests, “I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don’t let her in.”...
The Coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury. Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.
One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!
He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!
Coach said to himself, “I got to have this guy. He’s got the best arm I’ve ever seen!”
He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long...
Thứ Ba, 28 tháng 4, 2020
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “look at the frickin’ elephant, dad!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us...
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the podium!” he said, and so it did, African Elephant....
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?" The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...
First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting.
Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the...
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich!"
Genie: "Okay, what's your next wish?"
Rich: "I wish I had lots of money!"...
Why did the chicken cross the road?
DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.
Joe Biden: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken...
What’s the difference between North Korea and the US?
North Koreans can’t tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can’t tell if their leader is dead serious....
Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."
Mom: Stares at Dad
Dad: Clenches fist
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: Sweats Profusely
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"...
Thứ Hai, 27 tháng 4, 2020
A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.
He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him.
The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand.
He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack.
Two days later, the same thing happens. And then it happens again, two days after that. Every time, that guy is on the bike carrying nothing but sand.
This goes on for seven years. It drives the border guard crazy. He loses his job because of it.
One day, he tracks...
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."
The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"
He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.
"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."
The man continues to keep his cool.
"I am...
Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have H2O," says the first.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context....
Chủ Nhật, 26 tháng 4, 2020
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."...
When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled that the man who was talking to me when I was in the corner was the same man in the coffin!
For several years later, I was not able to sleep properly. With repeated nightmares and psychological disorder,...
"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"
Waitress: slaps me right across the face
"The men I please are none of your damn business!"...
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer...
An alter boy walks in on a priest...
A young alter boy walks in on a priest masturbating, confused he asks the priest "what are you doing father?"
The priest replies "don't worry my son it's natural, you will be doing it soon"
"but why father?" the alter boy returns
The priest exclaims "because my arm is getting tired!"...
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them......
A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.
When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich."
The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.
The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can sit wherever I want, I'm fucking rich." Again, the bouncer decides to let the guy sit down, still hoping for a big tip.
The guy then walks behind the bar, grabs the most expensive top-shelf bottle, and takes it back to his table. The bouncer, realizing that the owner...
When i was 9 yrs old.
When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his that I didn't know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to go. Then a man approached me and said: Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flyes, look at me now, I didn't enjoy it, he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled that the man who was talking to me when I was in the corner was the same man in the Coffin.
For...
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.
The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"
The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!"
Meanwhile, the two turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire. "What the hell are you doing??"
"Getting a proper sample size!"...
Thứ Bảy, 25 tháng 4, 2020
My ex girlfirend
My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head.
"The Impaler" was my favourite.
Well, at least, that's what I thought she said....
Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died....
So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."
She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."
I looked at her, confused and said,"That's actually not what I was going to say at all."
"Oh…" she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?"
"That's not how you spell manatee."...
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed....
My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle
I responded, “That’s not right.”
With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.
“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”...
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now,...
Thứ Sáu, 24 tháng 4, 2020
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.
“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag....
A child asks his father what "gay" means
The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife"....
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert."
The blonde thinks "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast."
The Frenchman thinks "I bet that perfidious Englishman...
PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.
If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19....
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a...
Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"
Me: I don't know. Emerg? Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine? Me: Sleep medicine? Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need? Me: Probably night school.
edit: yes, I know it's an awful dad joke, but it happened on the fly and its the greatest thing i've ever accomplished, so please, let me have it....
A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”
Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife” First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?” Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”...
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."
He walked all the way to the airport and got home.
Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.
There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out.
He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.
So, he gets in the first cab.
"How much is it to the airport?" he asks.
The driver says, "$15."
"Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?"
The cab driver...
Thứ Năm, 23 tháng 4, 2020
A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question
"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"
The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.
She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the class what you think freedom is dear"
The little boy comes up to the front of the class and the teacher hands him a big thick dictionary of english.
"Go on dear, find us the definition of freedom"
The boy arrives at the section for F and finds the definition.
"Freedom...
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower.
The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play.
About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off.
Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!”
“You...
A woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.
One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony.
After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money.
Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money.
The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."...
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”
“Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor.
“It’s worth a try,” he says.
So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.”
“What?” says the priest....
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS."...
I got fired from the sperm bank
I can't figure out why, it might have been that every time someone left I said "Thank you for coming"...
An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, the with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first...
Thứ Tư, 22 tháng 4, 2020
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.
The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing."
"Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says.
"But why?" the bartender asks.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy ...
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From...
A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously drunk man stumbles in.
"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches.
The bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out.
The next night, the bartender is again behind his bar when the same well dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in.
"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink...
A bodybuilder and a blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!"
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid...
So I had an interview last year
The interviewer: You answers should be quick Me: Ok Interviewer: what is 1490/52? Me:quick...
Thứ Ba, 21 tháng 4, 2020
My 8 year old cousin: " Why did the chicken cross the road?"
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house.
Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha.
8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock
Me: Who's there
8yo: The chicken....
A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.
As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.
The bartender, dumbfolded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'
The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey.
'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender.
The man: 'not a single penny'...
Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.
"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.
He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.
The doctor pauses a moment and says, "Can I give you some non- medical advice?"
"Sure, anything, Doc. I'm desperate! "
"Are you religious? the doctor asks.
"Not at all," says the patient.
"Well," says the...
A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: 'handjob - $15'.
The girl asks: 'Can I help?
'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?'
The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!'
The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'...
An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money
She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.
After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wanted to deposit in the bank.'$165,000' she answered, and poured the bank notes from her bag on the table.
Obviously, the president got really curious about the origin of all this money, so he asked where the cash came from.
'Gambling' she muttered.
'What kind of gambling?'...
There are four kinds of sex.
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got....
Thứ Hai, 20 tháng 4, 2020
A judge asks a defendant to stand...
"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!"
"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You Goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout when the judge thunders back "If you don't tell me the reason for your outbursts...
Naked painting
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"...
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city.
He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out. The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground....
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...
While they were busy looking around,doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...
As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer : "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"
Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"
So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy: "Do you wanna see magic..?"
The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!"
Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!"
The...
"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.
"I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband contemptuously. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."...
Chủ Nhật, 19 tháng 4, 2020
A beautiful blond woman was driving down a curvy back country road in her pink Cadillac.
As she comes around a corner, she sees an extremely large rabbit lying dead in the middle of the road. It looked to be about three feet tall. The rabbit had a blue and pink vest on. On the ground next to the bunny was a large wicker basket, and strewn about the road was an abundance of candy, small simple toys, and colorful eggs. She exited her Cadillac to take a closer look.
A moment later an older man driving a red pickup truck pulled up behind her Cadillac. He was wearing overalls and muddied work boots, and had the look of a farmer. He noticed...
A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"
His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"...
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."
The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."
He did and warmed his nose.
The next day, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My...
#851: Three guys got into a car crash and all died.
They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere. The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity." The other two see this and do their best to avoid the ducks. The second guy goes months and months without stepping on...
Einstein sits next to a man on a long flight.
Einstein says,"Let's play a game. I will ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you will pay me only $5; but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500". The man agrees and the game proceeds.
Einstein asks the first question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?”
The man doesn't say a word. He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out $5. He then asks Einstein, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs, but comes down on 4?”
Einstein thinks about it for a long time, but fails to answer the question. After almost an hour,...
The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes.
A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "
"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the water will just bead off."
The guy takes his new bike and goes to pick up his girlfriend. The girlfriend invites the guy over to her parents house for dinner. This will be the first time...
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up...
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Frankly, your service provider....
Thứ Bảy, 18 tháng 4, 2020
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.
The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties...
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He is hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?
The Devil...
6 life lessons
6 life lessons
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she...
Teenage boy: "Dad, what's a vagina look like?"
Father: "Well son, before sex it's a delicate little thing. Almost like a tulip that hasn't fully bloomed".
Boy: "What about after sex?"
Father: "You ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"...
Thứ Sáu, 17 tháng 4, 2020
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband no. 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband no. 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband no. 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband no. 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't...
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says...
"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife shoulder and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time, before I die."
She says, "Of course, dear." and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4...
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."...
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion
The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight." The Aussie said: That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, ya'know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then...
A pregnant woman is hit by a car
She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"
The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."
She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?"
"I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them."
"What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?"
"He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor.
"Oh, well...
My girlfriend asked to do a 69
I said "what’s that?" she said "lay down an I’ll show you" so she went to squat over my face.
as she did she farted and jumped up and said "sorry" and then tried again, she then farted a 2nd time.
with that I jumped up an said "I’m off, I’m fucked if I’m hanging around for another 67 of them"...
Thứ Năm, 16 tháng 4, 2020
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."...
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one...
Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the...
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have - about anything across the entirety of Space and Time.
So of course the man said - "Was I right? Is the earth actually flat?" and God chuckled and said "Of course not".
The man shook his head in disbelief, shaken to his very core, before murmuring "...this goes even higher than I thought..."...
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks...
Me: What’s the WiFi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure, how much is that?
Bartender: $3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the WiFi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
EDIT: format...
Cheating Wives
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?"
The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?"
The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home.
The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman...
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world.
He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc.
So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on a few...
The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.” Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.” Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says,...
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being...
I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor
He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again....
Thứ Tư, 15 tháng 4, 2020
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
Wife: Never
H: Pistol, 3 letters.
W: Gun
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
W: Ugh
H: Charity, 4 letters.
W: Give
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
W: Ewe
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
W: Up...
3 kids walk into a candy store
The first kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans, sir!" The jelly beans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner has to get a ladder out, get the jelly beans, weigh out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climb down the ladder, put it away, and give the kid the jelly beans. "There's your jelly beans, young man," he says. The next kid says "I'll have $1 worth of jelly beans as well, sir!" So the guy has to do the whole thing again: get the ladder, climb up, grab $1 of jelly beans, climb back down, but before he puts the ladder away,...
[NSFW] A fat guy decides to lose some weight
He heard that a company is running a special weight-loss program. Curious, he decided to sign up for a session.
He is taken to a basketball court. Standing in the middle of the court is a naked woman with a sign around her neck.
"If you catch me, you can fuck me in the ass."
The fat guy starts to chase the woman around the court. Unfortunately for him, the woman is too athletic and he cannot catch up to her. After an exhausting hour, he finally gives up. He heads home and discovers that he has lost 5 pounds.
The next day, the fat guy decides to...
A farmer
buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.
Next day, it’s fucking the geese and the ducks too. Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, " You deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "Shhhhhh! They are about to land!"...
Why some of us might drink.....
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ?"
Is your daddy home?" he asked " Yes ,"
whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he...
Dad joke warning ⚠
Knock, knock... Who's there? Cargo. Cargo who? Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.
I warned you....
Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?
They love anything that's 15% off
Just a joke lol please don't kill me with the downvotes...
I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !
My credit card number
My social security number
Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
...
How about an Indian joke?
A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"
A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"
She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"...
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies "Free".
The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"
The Bartender replies "Free".
The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".
The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".
The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he...
Three teenagers are walking along the side of a canal...
They notice some men in suits moving frantically around a drowning man. The three teenagers jump in and save the drowning person only to realize that it’s President Trump.
Once everyone has recovered, the President thanks them for saving him. He offers each teenager one wish within his powers.
The first teenager says that his father was wrongfully convicted and now sits on death row. Everyone knows it, but all of his appeals have been used up. His one wish is to have his father pardoned. Trump asks the kid for the name of his father and the pardon...
Thứ Ba, 14 tháng 4, 2020
The Soviet army is marching in Finland
They hear a voice from the other side of a hill, "one Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers."
The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers."
The Soviet general sends one hundred Soviet soldiers. There is more gunfire and then silence. The voice speaks up again and says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one thousand Soviet soldiers."
The Soviet general then sends one thousand Soviet soldiers. There...
"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."
"But I never went to college."
"Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."...
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer "That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.
The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.
The next day, again.
On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells "here's your change asshole!"
The guy looks down at the coins and says: "I'll have another beer, please."...
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".
The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.
Principal: What is 3+3?
Boy: 6.
Principal: 6+6.
Boy: 12.
The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
Boy: Legs.
Madam: What is in your...
Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!
Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.
I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.
Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant.
In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing.
The vacuum was very unsympathetic... told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over!
The toilet...
Đăng ký:
Bài đăng (Atom)