“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.”
“You miss me that much?” she asks.
“No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast....
Chủ Nhật, 31 tháng 5, 2020
An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.
The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat.
The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog.
The weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman...
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom...
....First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch,...
You are under arrest
Police: You are under arrest!
Me: Why?
Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle.
Me: Did you say six?
Police: that is correct, six!
Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal....
Depressing pickup lines.
Are you suicide? Because I think about you every day.
Are you a toaster? Because I really want to take a bath with you.
Are you a noose? Because I really want to hang with you.
Are you a gravestone? Because I really wish you were on top of me.
Are you anti-depressants? Because if I don’t have you every day I’m going to kill myself.
Are you a coffin? Because I really wish I was inside you right now.
Are you a coroner? Because I really want you to inspect my body.
Are you a death certificate? Because I really wish you were mine.
Are you an electrical...
A preacher's wife is preparing for dinner and makes her way to the butcher...
"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher.
"You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies.
Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language around me? My husband is a preacher, and I am a devout Christian."
"No, ma'am, I think you misunderstood. That's the name of our best ham - The Damn Ham."
"Oh," she replies. "Well, I'll take The Damn Ham!"
Later as she's preparing dinner, her husband arrives.
"Smells great in here!" he says as he enters. "What are you cooking, honey?"
"The Damn Ham," she tells him.
"What...
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.....
An atheist is hiking in the woods...
So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror，‟ Oh God，help me!!!”
Suddenly，everything--the bear，the trees，the birds，everything but the man--freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. ‟So，all your life，You deny My existence，yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry，My son，but it is too late.”
The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well，God，if...
Thứ Bảy, 30 tháng 5, 2020
Irishman and the Priest
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. ''Father'', he confessed, ''it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.''
The priest told the sinner, ''You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.''
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ''Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.''
This time, the priest questioned, ''Who is this Nookie Green?''
''A new woman in the...
I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup...
I told her I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet....
A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe...
A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.
The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze.
Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted - "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?"
The old man replied - "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wondering if you're my grandson"....
The wife is giving birth, but she was in severe pain.
"There's is an option," Said the doctor, "I had invented the machine that transfers the pain of the mother to its father, the only thing is that the pain will be 10 times more intense."
The husband, being the man he was, told the doctor to do it.
The doctor turned it up to 10%, the husband stood like nothing happened.
Then the doctor raised it to 50%, the husband didn't even flinch a bit.
"it's a wonder!" said the doctor, " do you feel any pain?"
"not a bit," said the husband, "turn it to 100%"
"Are you sure?" said the doctor:"you can die from...
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!", she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work", the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress", the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to...
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:
"Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
Handjobs: $10."
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."...
Thứ Sáu, 29 tháng 5, 2020
Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.
The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim. That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother...
A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.
he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. The young guy drank a couple of beers
she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double?
‘What’s that?’, he asked.
‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.
As his mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, ‘No, I haven’t.’
They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘tonight’s your lucky night.’ They went back to her place, they walked in. She put on the hall light...
Husband and Wife
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"...
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.
" The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be a programmer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman,
"How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.
Frankly,...
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?”
“Yeah, I’m okay. But do me a favor mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.”
I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21-year-old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.
I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.
They respond “Get away with ya... Prove it.”
I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?”
He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”...
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed…
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.”
The nun said, “I understand completely.”
The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don’t want to go to Iraq either......
Thứ Năm, 28 tháng 5, 2020
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where...
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.
She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."...
A young kid is walking home from school when a car pulls up alongside him...
The driver says "get in the car".
The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking.
The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!"
The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it."
The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!"
The kid says "Look Dad, you bought the Volvo, YOU deal with it."...
There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes,...
Thứ Tư, 27 tháng 5, 2020
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official...
It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake?
Because he was already stuffed...
Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!...
[NSFW] Little Johnny asked his grandfather if he could have a cookie from the cookie jar
Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”
Johnny: “No.”
Grandfather: “Then no cookies for you.”
A number of years later, when Johnny had grown up and was visiting his grandfather again, he asked, “Hey, can I have a beer?”
Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”
Johnny: “Hell yeah!”
Grandfather: “Well then go fuck yourself.”...
A long time married couple are walking by a shop when they suddenly notice a sign that reads "If you lift this 21" laptop with your dick, it's yours!"
... The husband goes in, lifts the laptop with his dick with great ease, and wins it. Everyone cheers for him.
A month goes by and the wife notices that the husband is no longer getting frisky with her. She tries everything to get him to make love to her. Nothing works.
Fed up and in tears, she goes to the husband and asks, why are you no longer making love to me!? He replies: Honey, I've been training for the washing machine!...
Kim Jong-Un decides he wants to go hunting and takes his three top ministers with him, the Minister of the Interior, the Minister of Defense, and the Minister of Propaganda.
After a short while of stomping aroiund in the woods, they come across some ducks. Kim turns to his Minister of the Interior.
"Shoot the ducks!" he orders.
The Minister of the Interior raises his shotgun, aims, fires, and misses all the ducks.
Kim stares at him. The ducks start flying away. Kim turns to his Minister of Defense.
"Shoot the ducks!" he orders.
The Minister of Defense raises his shotgun, shoots at the flock of ducks, and misses.
Kim stares angrily at him, grabs his own shotgun, raises it, fires, and misses.
Immediately the Minister...
What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.
Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!...
A man is asking a farmer about his two cows
Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day?
Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: About a half gallon a day.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: About a half gallon a day.
Man (looking puzzled): Ok.. what do you feed them?
Farmer: Which one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: She eats grass.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: She eats grass, too.
Man (becoming annoyed): Why do you keep asking me to specify which cow when the answers are the same?
Farmer: Because the brown cow is mine.
Man: Oh, and the black...
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.
The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?"
Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?"
The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!"...
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From...
A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.
Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning.
After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out of his ass. Of course, he does not believe her claim, and he gets up, as every day before. Enraged, the woman thinks of a solution.
Later that day, the woman saves the intestines from the turkey that she has cooked, preparing to give her husband a proper scare....
So, A Pirate goes to the bar and he has a Steering Wheel sticking out of his Crotch
So the Bar tender says “Hey man, whats with the wheel?”
so the Pirate tells him “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”...
Thứ Ba, 26 tháng 5, 2020
I found a wallet...
I found a wallet and there was a fresh 100 dollar bill.
I asked myself, what would have Jesus done?
So I turned it into wine....
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
Wife: Never
H: Pistol, 3 letters.
W: Gun
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
W: Ugh
H: Charity, 4 letters.
W: Give
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
W: Ewe
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
W: Up...
What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?
Edit:OMG thanks for the silver
Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold
EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM...
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "Why the long face?"
The horse, incapable of understanding human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves...
A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.
One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”...
Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.
As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.
"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what kind of man I am."
Putin takes a pencil and puts it behind his ear. Then he unzips his pants and underwear, and stands there butt naked in front of the three world leaders.
"Now, witness the strength of Russia."
He puts his stuff through the bars of the cage, and...
A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"
"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord." So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts...
A man was driving down the road
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”
“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer...
Thứ Hai, 25 tháng 5, 2020
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter’s date says, “I can get the peanut out.” He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father’s nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear. After the daughter takes...
Did you know if you hold your ear up too a strangers leg
... you can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"...
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken tothe hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving...
An engineer dies and goes to hell.
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The...
I won't do any threesome.
If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would just have dinner with my parents....
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school...
Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April...
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?”
“You tell me?” replied my wife.
I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”
“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”
I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”...
Chủ Nhật, 24 tháng 5, 2020
Dad, how many types of boobs are there?
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, suprised, answers "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice and hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions?", the son asks.
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
The daughter and wife are infuriated on hearing this. The daughter asks "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?"
The mom smiles and says, "Well,...
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.”
The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent!”
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her...
Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since....
It was the final of the national poetry competition
There were two finalists - one from the most prestigious university in the country, the other a country bumpkin from out West.
They were each given 20 seconds to compose a poem about Timbuktu.
Up steps the university student and he goes: "On the lonely desert sands, Crossed a lonely caravan. Men on camels, Two by two. Destination, Timbuktu."
The crowd went wild - amazing for 20 seconds.
Then it's the country bumpkin's turn:
"Tim and I Off hunting went. Found three girls In a pop up tent. They were three, And we were two So I bucked one And Tim...
I felt bad for the hypnotist I saw last night.
He hypnotised 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "Fuck Me!"
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life....
An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome
An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks the clerk:
Time traveler: Do you have XL togas?
Clerk: Well, yes. But why do you need so many?...
Why do Irishmen never move from Canada back to Ireland?
Because they saw the advertisement "Drink Canada Dry," and they've been trying ever since....
A 7 year-old and a 4 years-old are in their bedroom. “You know what, I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you” says the 7 year old. “OK” says the 4 year-old. Mum asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast. “I’ll have Frosties, bitch”
WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year-old and said sternly! “And what do you want?”
He says “Don’t know, but it won’t be fucking Frosties”...
Thứ Bảy, 23 tháng 5, 2020
Four engineers get into a car. The car won't start.
The Mechanical engineer says "It's a broken starter".
The Electrical engineer says "Dead battery".
The Chemical engineer says "Impurities in the gasoline".
The IT engineer says "Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in"....
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods…
“I’ll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde....
Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.
An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.
"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.
Inside the room were two chairs. "Now sit down in these chairs," she said.
"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says we should sit down in these chairs," replied George. So George and Ted sat down in the chairs.
The photographer pulled out her camera and pointed it at...
So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...
...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “As it is my first wife’s birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”
The German was first...
There once was a man from Kent
whose dick was so long that it bent.
So to save him some trouble,
he tucked it in double,
and so instead of coming, he went.
Do limericks count as jokes?...
Thứ Sáu, 22 tháng 5, 2020
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”
"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.
"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly. Sorry about that.” says the barman, as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just, we don't get many a ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road” explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman...
My wife just found out she's adopted.
She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears.
On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive....
Thứ Năm, 21 tháng 5, 2020
Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle, and hold a flame near the base of the bottle your testicle will be sucked into the bottle?
If you did know this, and know how to get the testicle out again, please message me.
URGENTLY!...
A student came late in the class and the teacher wants to know why.
"You know, I woke up as usual, got to my horse and went to school. But I don't know why, my horse suddenly died in the middle of the town square. I had to walk rest of the way and that's why I am late."
Teacher doesn't believe a single word, but there will be enough time to solve this problem after class. Then second late student came.
"I am really sorry I came late. I overslept my alarm, but I got to my horse and galloped here as fast as I could. And suddenly in the middle of the town square my horse died, so I had to walk the rest of the way."
Teacher...
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.
Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.
"Who is it?"
"It's Mark."
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia."
"Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard.
"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew."
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring Matthew?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia."
"Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?"
"It's John."
Jesus opens the door.
"What did you bring John?"
"Crack from New York."
"Very...
Two balloons in the desert.
One says: "look out for that cactus!"
The other replies: "what cactusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?"...
A guy with bad gas goes to the doctor
He says “doc, you gotta help me. I can’t stop farting. It’s the weirdest thing, they don’t smell, and there’s no sound, but they won’t stop. I’ve farted 5 times while telling you this and see, you didn’t even notice”
The doc writes him a prescription and says “take this and come back in a week.
A week later the guy comes back and says “Doc, those pills didn’t stop the farts. All they did was make them smell terrible. I can hardly stand it”
The doctor replied “Good. Now that your sinuses are cleared up let’s work on your hearing”...
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: My dad is in the hospital
1 week later
Teacher: Is your dad still in the hospital?
Student: Yes, he is a doctor...
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and...
I think it is time to reconsider calling people 'Karen'. It is rude...
We can all be Karen's in our own ways. I just realized I'm a computer Karen.
Every time something is taking too long, or the slightest inconvenience happens, I immediately want to see the task manager.
*sorry*...
There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.
Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers.
The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best prices!)"
Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best quality!)
The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own.
"Jackson's clothing store (Main...
Thứ Tư, 20 tháng 5, 2020
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later,
A drunk man was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk man ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said,...
I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office
“Can I help you?” He asked.
“I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied.
“You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”
“Yeah, I know.”
He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”
“The light was on.”...
Five gangsters walk past a local diner
The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"
The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"
"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow the owner into the diner, and then they enter the kitchen. In the back, a man is furiously scrubbing metal pots and pans so hard that he's damaging them.
The owner points at the man and says, "My new dishwasher guy is scrubbing the dishes too hard! He's scratching...
Two wives went out for girls' night.
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.
The next morning, one husband calls the other and says, "No more girls' night out. My wife came back with no panties."
"You think you have it bad?", says the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck in her crack...
Student: Can I borrow a pencil?
Teacher: I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?
Student: Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking you whether I can borrow a pencil.
Teacher: Possibly so, in colloquial speech. Discerning context can help us decipher the nuance of each sentence on a case-by-case basis. However, as your teacher, my task is to teach you the intricacies and nuances of the English...
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed....
Thứ Ba, 19 tháng 5, 2020
A blonde and a redhead head into their ranch and find their bull is missing
The women plan to buy another one, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."
She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."
Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know...
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”...
My roommate is 2 days younger than me
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age...” and then describing what I did 2 days ago...
The low brass section decides to grab drinks during a performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony
The tubas and trombones only play during the end of Beethoven's 9th symphony. During the first several movements they have a famously long period of rest.
One performance, the low brass decide to sneak out to a local bar and grab a few drinks during the beginning of the piece. They quietly duck out of the rear section of the theater, walk a couple blocks, and sit down for drinks.
After a couple rounds, having lost track of the time, the section leader glances at his watch and exclaims "we're running late, our entrance is in just 1 minute!"
A trombone...
3 guys were sitting in a biker bar.
A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.
He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face. And said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is fine!”
The biker looked at him and didn’t say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass and would fight at he drop of a hat.
The drunk leaned on the table again. And he said “I got it on with your grandma. And she...
Thứ Hai, 18 tháng 5, 2020
Taxi driver picks up a hooker. They arrive at her destination & she confesses she doesn’t have any money. She says “Will this do?”
Cabbie looks in his rear view mirror & sees the hooker spreading her legs with no panties on & he says “Got anything smaller?”...
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After a particularly nasty one, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this, so the following day, he walked in and said, “Class, did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?” all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies!” cried the professor. “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”...
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.
While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.
In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women...
A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"
The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.
The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.
Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.
This sheep is about to shoot up heroin.
The rabbit says to the sheep, "Mr Sheep, don't do heroin! Heroin is a drug and drugs are bad for you! Come running with us through the forest!"
The sheep looks at the heroin, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the heroin.
The sheep tossed his needle aside and...
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you're alive?
I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again....
Chủ Nhật, 17 tháng 5, 2020
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke:
Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
A. Take your foot off his or her head.
Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version....
The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded once more.
"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?"
The little boy nodded yet again.
"Good."...
A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors
.
The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”
He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”
The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes.
The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."
The American says, “That's nothing.”
He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return."
The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to...
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was...
The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.
Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus....
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, “1500+hp Porsche 917/30. It cost half a million dollars!”
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car,...
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was...
Yesterday my 7 year old son asked me
Yesterday my seven year old son asked me "where does poo come from?". I was a little bit uncomfortable but I gave him an honest explanation. Then he looked at me a little perplexed for a few seconds and then he asked "And Tigger?"...
Thứ Bảy, 16 tháng 5, 2020
One day a mother and her 5 yr old daughter
Were sitting at a table doing a puzzle. The daughter looks at her mom and says " mommy you have such pretty hair, but why is some of it white?" Smiling the mother tells her " you see honey, whenever you do something that makes me cry. My hair turns a little more grey."
Hearing this her daughter's jaw drops and her eyes go wide as she asks " MOMMY WHAT DID YOU DO TO NANNA?"...
Girl 1: Mother, why is my name Rose?
Mother: Because when you were just a precious little baby, a rose fell off a tree and onto your head.
Girl 2: But mother, why am I named Blossom?
Mother: Well my darling, same with you; a blossom blew from a tree and onto your head.
Girl 3: Mufaghh ma waafaa maaa?
Mother: How about you stop fucking complaining, Coconut?...
A list of puns
Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
Nope. Unintended.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other?...
Thứ Sáu, 15 tháng 5, 2020
My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.
As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel... you know how to fish."...
A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.
He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"
St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"
God says, "Yep."
Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle surfaces. The ball bounces off the turtle's shell and gets another hundred yards. Just as its about to stop rolling, a squirrel runs over and grabs the ball before being immediately snatched by a gorgeous red tail hawk. The hawk flies him off and just over the green the...
Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting
She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before.
She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early.
The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was nasty out, 28° and a freezing rain. He got his wife up.
She looked outside and said, "There's no way I'm going out in this weather, forget it."
He said, "Well, you promised, so if you back out now at the last minute, you have to either suck my dick or let me put it...
A really annoying loophole
A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died. Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish. The next person can’t decide on what to wish for, so he ends up wishing for the same thing. At this point a man at the very back of the line starts to laugh. The next couple, seeing how utterly wondrous...
Thứ Năm, 14 tháng 5, 2020
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:
“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”...
A Scotsman and an Englishman
Were walking along the beach when they come upon a beautiful Mermaid sitting on a rock.
Englishman says "Have you ever been kissed?" She says No, and he kisses her.
Scotsman says "Have you ever been fucked?" She says No, he says "Well you are now the tide's just gone out"...
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?
Doctor: Denephew....
Guy walks into a bar. He sees a jar full of twenty dollar bills. He asks the bartender what it's for.
"I have a horse in the stable behind the bar. You put in twenty bucks and try to make my horse laugh. If you make him laugh, the whole jar is yours but if you fail then you're out twenty bucks."
So the guy puts in twenty, goes to the stable and a minute later the horse is laughing hysterically. Guy walks back to the bar and without saying a word to the bartender, who has a stupefied look on his face, takes the jar of twenties and leaves.
A year later the same guy comes back to the bar and sees another jar full of twenties. He asks the bartender...
Free Sex with Fill-Up
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up!'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and...
The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why.....
The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!”
“Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?”
“I fired her as well!” said the Butcher....
Police arrested two kids yesterday
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off....
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself....
Thứ Tư, 13 tháng 5, 2020
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom...
My 7 year old's first comeback line
My son has asd and though he loves to read jokes and tries to understand why they are funny, introducing wit to him has been difficult. It was more of a surprise than a joke but here goes.
We recently moved to India and my wife is missing outdoors and Europe and today she said - oh I really want to go to Disneyland! To which my son said- and I really want a twister! ( Ice lolly).
My wife looked at him doting on his innocence and said- Baby your dreams are so simple and innocent! To which my son replied- yeah and yours probably won't come true...
A lady dies and goes to heaven.
When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.
She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.
Finally, she sees someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?"
The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian...
An Italian guy, a Polish guy, and a Japanese guy all apply for a job at an office.
The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies."
The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working, but he can't find the Japanese guy anywhere. So all of them start looking for him.
After hours of searching, they still can't find him so they give up and turn to go home for the evening when suddenly, the Japanese guy jumps out of nowhere and screams "SUPPLIE...
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blonde hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes....
A dyslexic man stormed Area 15
Authorities didn't press charges, saying "they felt bad"
They thought a long sentence was the last thing he needed...
I debated a flat earthier once
He got so mad that he stormed off saying that he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong. He’ll come around eventually...
Happy National Limerick Day!! Here's the classic one for you if you didnt know it.
There once was man from Nantucket
Who's dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin
If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it....
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