Fuck you that just was a lucky guess....
Thứ Ba, 21 tháng 9, 2021
A man decided to tattoo his wife's name on his penis before going to their honeymoon
When erect it proudly reads Wendy on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows Wy.
While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a Wy on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy.
The guy replies in a Jamaican accent, "No man, why do you ask?"
The husband then explains that he noticed the Wy on his penis and shared that he also has Wy and then when erect it says "Wendy".
The stranger then said, "When I have a hard on it says, Welcome to Jamaica,...
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas
When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock...
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true...
A man walks into a spooky store.
Man: Wow, this shop really has everything!
Shopkeeper: Yes, but I warn you... every item comes at a price.
Man: Yes, I know how shops work.
Shopkeeper: But the price may be more than you expect to pay.
Man: Yes, I know how taxes work too.
Shopkeeper, angry now: No, you don't understand! I'm evil and I'm offering these items without regard for the harm they will do!
Man, also angry: I know what capitalism is, dammit!...
A teacher asks her students a simple math question…
“There are 3 birds on a wire, one gets shot, how many are left?”
Little Johnny raises his hand, “there are none left, once the one bird was shot the other two flew away ”
Teacher tells Johnny he is wrong, but she likes the way he thinks.
Johnny then inquired, “may I ask you a question now teach?”
She loves his inquiring mind and tells him to go right ahead
Johnny continues, “There are 3 women coming out of an ice cream shop each with a cone… one is licking it, one is biting it, and one is sucking it…. Which one is married?”
Teacher thinks for...
I saw a homeless guy telling people dirty jokes for a dollar
So I went up to him and gave him a dollar.He happily pocketed the dollar and said “ you see that white cat over there, how many teeth does it have?”
So I said “ I don’t know….”
He said “ how many hairs does it have?”
I again replied saying I didn’t know.
He then said to me “ You see that black rooster over there, how many legs does it have?”
So i promptly said 2.
so the homeless man said “ how come you know nothing about white pussy and everything about black cock?”...
Thứ Hai, 20 tháng 9, 2021
Us men can be great at multi-tasking too!
Ever tried jerking off, watching porn and keeping an eye on the door for intruders at the same time?
Edit: Thank you for taking my award virginity!...
The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another...
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips... He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half...
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as...
A guy comes home completely drunk one night.
He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers...
A software tester walks into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames....
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic.
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic. The nurse asked the rabbit, “What is your blood type?” The rabbit responded, “I’m probably a type O.”...
My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.
Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband...
Chủ Nhật, 19 tháng 9, 2021
Nsfw An aussie man calls emergency services while camping with his wife
Operator: "Emergency services how may we help you mate"
Man: "Please help! me sheila got bitten in her minge by a mozzie and its all swollen and now we can't have sex!"
Operator: "Oh bummer mate..."
Man: "Oh thanks mate never thought of that!" *Hangs up...
Woke up, pissed, and went back to the bedroom to find my wife unresponsive in the bed. I couldn't find a pulse...
Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Five minutes in she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head....
A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"
"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."
Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"
"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."
Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I named Cakeday?"
His mother sighs. "Your father believes it is the best way to earn karma."...
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
The mechanical engineer says: “It’s a broken starter”
The electrical engineer says: “Dead battery”
The chemical engineer says: “Impurities in the gasoline”
The IT engineer says: “Hey guys, I have an idea, how about we all get out of the car and get back in”...
A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.
Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."
The three sinners knowing the lives they've lived look at each other nervously awaiting judgement. They know their pasts are not worthy of the heavens, but they don't feel they deserve hell either.
Jesus takes a look at a holy book sitting atop a gleaming marble pedestal. "In this book I...
Thứ Bảy, 18 tháng 9, 2021
A new genie.
Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband shouted , "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near...
A Karen boards a flight to Paris and takes a seat in first class that is not hers.
The first flight attendant politely asked her to move to her seat in coach. The Karen smugly replied, "I am going to Paris and I will sit wherever I please."
The second flight attendant approached her sternly and demanded that she move to coach to take her proper seat. The Karen shouted loudly, "I am going to Paris and I will sit wherever I damn well please!"
The most senior flight attendant then approached the Karen, bent down, and whispered in her ear. The Karen jumped up and shouted, "Well why didn't you say so sooner?!" and stormed off to...
Here’s the oldest dirty joke I know
Ethyl and Gladys walk the same route every day, and they stop at the same bench to smoke a cigarette before finishing their walk back to their apartments.
One day, just as they lit their cigarette, it starts to rain. Neither ladies brought umbrellas.
Gladys, the innovator she is, takes a condom with the tip cut off and rolls it over her cigarette, so she can keep smoking. Ethyl, completely confounded by this move remarks:
Ethyl: “What is that?! I need one!”
Gladys: “Oh this? Just go to the pharmacist, and tell him you need some condoms.”
So Ethyl...
Bubba died in a fire
Bubba died in a fire last night. His body was burned so badly that he couldn't be identified by most of his family.
That is, until his best friends Jim and Cletus were called. Jim and Cletus knew Bubba all his life, and they were certain they could identify Bubba for the coroner.
When they saw the body, Cletus said "I don't know if that's Bubba, but there's one way we can know for sure. Flip him over and let's take a look at his asshole."
Puzzled, the coroner agrees and helps them flip him over.
Jim proceeds to spread Bubba's crispy cheeks, takes...
Thứ Sáu, 17 tháng 9, 2021
Two big girls walk into a bar
They order drinks, in a thick accent.
"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.
Offended, one of them replies "Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"...
Tiger woods
Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy who knows nothing about golf, says “Top o the morning to ya sir!” Tiger nods and bends to pick up the fuel nozzle. As he does so, 2 tees fall out of his shirt pocket. “What are those?” Asks Paddy. “They’re called tees, they’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving.” “Fuck me” says Paddy “BMW think of everything!”...
Two guys walk past a dog that is licking his balls
One man says, "I wish I could do that". The other guy says, "Maybe you should try petting him first"....
So there's this poor little Irish family - a father, a mother, a 26-year-old son, a 21-year-old son, and an 18-year-old son.
They live in a tiny little cottage down by the river. They have one cow, and their only source of income is the money they make off of selling the cow's milk. It's the only thing keeping this family alive.
So, one day, the father wakes up, and discovers that the cow is dead. Unable to deal with this, he kills himself in the barn.
So then the mother wakes up, and discovers that both the cow and her husband are dead. Unable to deal with this, she goes down to the river and drowns herself.
So then the 26-year-old son wakes up. He sees that his father...
Thứ Năm, 16 tháng 9, 2021
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the drinks went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when...
A bus full of nuns get killed in a car accident
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St Peter, he says to them, “Sisters welcome to heaven, in a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates but first I must ask each of you a single question”. St Peter turns to the first nun in the line and asks her, “Sister have you ever touched a penis”.
The sister responds, “There was this one time when the tip of my little finger touched one”.
“Alright then Sister dip your little finger in the holy water and you may be admitted”, Peter replied. She did so. Peter turns to the second nun and says,...
Reposts...
r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it....
A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.
However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:
‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’
‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.
The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student.
At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:
‘You’re walking on a road and you find two bags....
Jesus and Moses walking on the beach.
So Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach and Moses says "you know Jesus it's been a long time since I parted the sea let me see if I can still do it". So he throws his staff down throws his arms up and nothing happens. Jesus says to him "why don't you try again it's been a long time". So Moses throws his staff down, throws his arms up and the sea parts, it was beautiful. So Jesus says to Moses "it's been a long time since I've walked on the water let me see if I still have it in me". Jesus walks out onto the water and sinks, he comes back...
When the pope was visiting America
He told the driver of his limo that he had the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man and would not ever dream of questioning the Pope’s authority. So the Pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80km/h, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.
The chief asked: “Who is in the limo, the mayor?”
The policeman told him: “No, someone more important than the mayor”.
Then...
Favorite Norm MacDonald joke I heard live
PREFACE: Several years ago Norm was doing standup in Vegas. it was at the South Point casino, a little ways off the strip. At the same time there was a rodeo going on as well. Forget the name of the rodeo but it was advertised as being LGBT friendly. So thus it was known as the "gay rodeo"
JOKE (think of Norm's voice): "So uh, I decided to go the rodeo going on next door. Last night was the bull riding competition. You know, those things are huge and mean. I watched as one of those cowboys tried to ride the bull, but got thrown off after a couple...
Thứ Tư, 15 tháng 9, 2021
Jewish Mom buys a new apartment
She calls her son once she is moved in and is gushing about what a nice place she has and invites him to come see it.
Of course he agrees so she starts giving him directions on how to get there.
"Once you park, head straight through the courtyard and you'll see a buzzer for the apartments. Use your right elbow to hit 3B and I'll buzz you in. When you get inside walk over to the elevator and use your knee to push the UP button. Then use your left elbow to hit 3. I'm the apartment at the end of the hall. Kick the door 3 times and I'll come open...
The wife of a very rich man dies from illness.
To honor her, the widower announces a big funeral in his huge resort, where everyone they knew is invited. The guests arrive, and after the first day is over, everyone is preparing to go to sleep. As there are not enough rooms to accommodate everyone, the widower had 2 grand salons prepared with beds, one for the women and one for the men.
Amongst the men, there were also 2 gays, which were planning to have sex that night, but also wanted to remain discrete. So the first one proposes to ask for water during the night and if no one answers, the...
A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.
"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.
"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."
"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."
She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she can get dressed again.
"There doesn't appear to be anything wrong at the moment, but next time it rains, and you get the same reaction, I want you to come straight in. OK?"
About two weeks later, after two days of steady rain, she's in a fair amount of discomfort and heads...
A joke in memoriam to Norm MacDonald. Please tell it and make it as unfunny as possible before you hit the punchline.
So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "sorry, we don't serve jokes here." They all nod and walk out and the bartender keeps cleaning glasses.
A man carrying a frog and a tiny piano walks into the bar and the bartender looks up, sees them, and says, "hey, sorry, we don't serve jokes here. You're going to have to find someplace else." And the frog starts doing a little bit but the man stops him. "We're gonna have to busk somewhere else Fred," he says to the frog. And they leave.
Then a talking dog...
Norm MacDonald died today
When he got to heaven, the angels told him it was mandatory that he take an eye exam to enter. And they all watched.
He read it out loud: “E-I-E-I-Ohhh you guys are DICKS!”
RIP Norm....
My favorite Norm Macdonald joke
(I’m paraphrasing a bit)
Someone told me that the worst thing about the whole Cosby thing was the hypocrisy. I disagreed.
I thought it was the raping.
—————-
RIP you magnificent bastard.
(Edit: formatting)...
Two men visit a prostitute
Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "Heck. My wife is better than that." The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "You know? Your wife is better."...
I was babysitting my brother's cat and he called to check on her
Me: She's dead
Brother: OMG, that's not how you break news to someone about a beloved pet!
Me: Then how?
Brother: You say: I am afraid I have some bad news. Your cat escaped, went outside, and started chasing a squirrel. The squirrel ran up onto the roof and the cat gave chase. The squirrel leapt from the roof, and the cat tried to follow, but fell. We rushed her to the vet and they did all they could, but I am afraid she didn't make it. THAT'S! how you break bad news to someone.
Me: I understand, my apologies.
Brother: Anyways, how is mom?
Me:...
At a corporate party…
The director of HR stood up and said “If anyone has any comments or anything they’d like to say please come up to the microphone”
An employee stood up and walked over. He picked up the microphone and pointed it directly at the speakers. A loud obnoxious noise screeched out and filled the room. Everyone covered their ears as he held it there. He then turned it away and handed it back to the HR director. To which the HR director said…
“Thank you for your feedback.”...
A teacher asks little Johnny to say a sentence using the word Fascinate.
Little Johnny: "My sister's boobs are so big, that when she puts on her shirt with ten buttons, she can only fasten eight. "...
Thứ Ba, 14 tháng 9, 2021
Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station
in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"
Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.
"What are those?"
Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting my balls on when I am driving."
"Fuck me" says Paddy, BMW think of everything!"...
A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY
She turns to the class and says, "Today we'll be looking at the word 'definitely'. Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement."
Little Suzy raises her hand and says, "I am definitely going to the park after school today."
"No, I would think there's a good chance you'll go to the park but it might rain so it's not definitely."
Little Billy raises his hand and says, "My team are definitely going to win the game this Saturday."
"No, I know you really want your...
My translation of a foreign joke:
A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put it on the number 27!"
The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!
Excited he exits the casino and meets the Devil again. The latter is silent for a moment and then says again, "Take all your money - all that you've won - go inside and put it on 27!" - "Again?!" - "Yes! Do it!" - The man...
Apprehended
A mild-mannered man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration and flipping him a bird and shaking her fist as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of...
Let's go to Hooters!
Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where do you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs." "Perfect, you're on"
At age 42, they meet and play golf again "Where do you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again? Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen...
Thứ Hai, 13 tháng 9, 2021
The largest condom factory in the States burned down.
President Biden was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.
"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."
Biden: "Oh no! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship condoms in from Mexico."
Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing...
A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig.
The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, “Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig?”
The judge says, “That is correct.”
“And does it mean that I can’t call a pig Ms. Harding?”
“No,” says the judge, “you are free to call a pig Ms. Harding. There is no crime in that.”
The man looks Ms. Harding in the eye and says, “Good afternoon, Ms. Harding.”...
A man badly wanted to lick the princess' boobs.
He decided to ask his friend Johnny, who works in the palace. He promised 2,000 gold coins to Johnny, he agreed instantly with the deal.
A few days later, Johnny goes and sprinkles itching powder on the princess' bra while she was taking a bath. The plan worked successfully, when the prince heard that the princess is having huge discomfort on her chest, he summoned all the palace workers and asked if they know the remedy. Johnny raised his hand and answered
"My Prince, I know of the solution of the problem, it's a virus, originated in Spain which...
There's no "I" in "team,"
But there are three "u's" in "shut the fuck up."
Credit to my uncle, who said this after getting tired of hearing me tell these jokes....
Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.
One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her. She looks at him. They go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath...
A man scores a hot date
Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged. The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.
Later on, the man and his date are having dinner. The man is in love with her, but is experiencing an increasingly uncomfortable pressure in his trousers. In an attempt to relieve the pain, he slowly undoes his fly.
Immediately, his penis lunges out onto the table, grabs a bread roll...
"Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."...
The wife walks in while watching porn
My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.
As my wife walks out again she says: "You should stay on the porn channel... You know how to fish."...
Chủ Nhật, 12 tháng 9, 2021
The lesbian couple living next door were getting it on at 2am.
So I knocked on their door and complained about the noise.
I said, "Could you be a bit louder, please? I'm trying to masturbate."...
British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final
Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k...
A man walks into a bar...
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of...
Why you...
A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man’s car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely...
A young man and his date
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker, and I charge 20 dollars for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a Uber driver, and the fare back to town is 25 bucks.”...
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day.
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime.
It's cake and y'all know the rules!...
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where’s mom and dad?"
She replied, "They're up in bed," so the little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma the same question. She replied with the same answer and the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.
Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's mom and dad?"
Once again his grandmother replied, "They're still up in bed," and the little boy started to laugh again. The grandmother asked, "What's wrong? Every time...
Thứ Bảy, 11 tháng 9, 2021
Do you smoke?
Lady: Do you smoke?
Guy: Yes I do.
Lady: How many packs a day?
Guy: 3 packs.
Lady: How much per pack?
Guy: $10.00 per pack.
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Guy: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a day which puts your spending per month at $900. In 1 year, it would have been $10,800. Correct?
Guy: Correct.
Lady: If 1 year you spend $10,800, not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending total at $162,000. Correct?
Guy: Correct.
Lady: Do you know if you hadn't smoke, that money could...
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes.
What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?
btw I waited 1 whole year to tell this joke...
An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.
He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"
When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good," she replies.
"And did you bring something home for me?"
"Something, did I forget?" she asks.
"The Italian girl I asked for," he replies jokingly.
"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."...
Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him "What's wrong?"
Nervous, the kid asks, "How long do I have to go to school for?"
"Until you're 18" says the father.
The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.
=== =====
When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says "Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I'm 18, won't you?"...
Thứ Sáu, 10 tháng 9, 2021
It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid
What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? Answer = A stick.
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat? Answer = Thunderwear.
Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other? Answer = Dill with it.
What time is it when the clock strikes 13? Answer = Time to get a new clock.
How does a cucumber become a pickle? Answer = It goes through a jarring experience.
What did one toilet say to the other? Answer = You look a bit flushed.
What do you think of that new diner on the moon? Answer = Food was good,...
Dude walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying on the bed, reading. Dude says "This is the pig I fuck when you have a headache."
Wife says "I think you'll find that's a sheep under your arm."
Dude says: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."...
A drunkard was brought to court for dunkenis behavior
The Judge addressed the drunkard, "You have been brought here for drinking."
Drunkard, "Thank you very much your honour. Let's start."
All, present in the court, burst out laughing.
Banging the gavel, the Judge said, "Order."
Drunkard, "For me Whiskey with Soda please."...
We're in Trouble
We're in Trouble
The population of this country is 327 million.
76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.
There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work
There are 74 million children younger than 6
Which leaves 129 million to do the work
There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school.
Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work.
At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation
Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work
Of this there are 15 million...
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.
Love Dad.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES!
Love Bubba,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At 4 the next morning, F. B. I. agents and local police showed...
Thứ Năm, 9 tháng 9, 2021
2 men go fishing, One has a stutter
The man with a stutter says “shh ssshhh sshh”. The other man says “what is it, did you catch a fish”? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says “spit it out”. The stuttering man says “ssshhh ship!!” Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat.
Months later they both have recovered and go on another fishing trip. The stuttering man again starts saying “ssshhh”. The 2nd man starts panicking thinking he’s going to get hurt again. The 2nd man jumps out of the boat as fast as he can, the stuttering man says...
Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked.
I’m not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives....
In her tinder profile she said she's 32 but also that she has the body of a 16 year old.
But when I asked if I could see a photo she said I need to wait till tomorrow as she is naked and doesn't want to go to the freezer in the basement when it's already so late....
The Bocelli leather shoes.
Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks...
I put my phone under my pillow last night.
When I woke up it was gone and there was a $1 coin in it's place.
Fucking Bluetooth Fairy!...
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
A Bible.
A silver dollar.
A bottle of whiskey.
A Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.."
"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like...
A suspected COVID-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown,...
Thứ Tư, 8 tháng 9, 2021
Cannibals
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees." The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has...
A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it
The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.
As the man finishes the drink, the Bartender asks "how did you like it?" and the man in the red hat dismissively says, "I liked the gin."
The Bartender is miffed that that was the only thing the man had to comment on, so he makes a new drink. He drops a spoon of peanut butter...
A woman gets off a roller coaster at an amusement park. Feeling dizzy from the ride, she immediately falls to the ground, unconscious.
She wakes up to find a man rubbing her breasts. "What are you doing?" she asks.
"I was just reviving you," replies the man. "When I saw you unconscious on the ground, I lightly slapped you, but nothing happened. I rubbed your wrists, but nothing happened. I even gave you mouth to mouth, but still nothing happened. I'd run out of ideas, when a guy with a mustache came around the corner shouting something like 'Fondle her b**bs!' So I did that, and sure enough, somehow or other, that woke you up."
"That's very sweet of you," says the woman, "but...
How do you keep Texans and their politics in Texas?
Place a "Welcome to California" sign on every road leading out of Texas. They'll turn right around.
Edit: Hey, hey, hey. If you don't like the joke, downvote ME. Leave my commenters alone!...
A priest and a police officer walk into a bar.
A priest and a police officer walk into a bar. They each spend some time drinking, before both leaving.
The priest goes to his car, and the officer sees he is having difficulty to walk.
As he goes to enter, the officer stops him. He says "are you in a fit state to drive, reverend?"
He replied "yes, I have only had water."
The officer says "that's a lie, I can smell wine on your breath"
The priest looks to the sky and says "You did it again, lord!"...
I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...
I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right places. I said WOW and gave her my name. She gave me hers, so i asked what she did.
She said "I'm a Sunday school teacher."
I said "Well, I Ain't never been with a Christian woman before but I'm open minded about the whole affair."
So we got in my Corvette...
Thứ Ba, 7 tháng 9, 2021
Three Guys Were Sleeping Together On A Single Bed
One on the left wakes up and says i had a dream i was getting a handjob from a hot blonde
The Guy on the right says that's weird i had a similar dream but the only difference is the girl giving me a handjob was a brunette
The one in the middle says well i had a dream where i was Skiing!...
Three men die and are standing in line at the pearly gates.
St. Peter tells them that the rules have changed, and they can only be let in to heaven now if they have had a really bad death. He then proceeds to get their stories one at a time.
The first man explains. "I live on the 25th floor of my apartment building. I came home from work early today, because I suspected my wife was cheating on me. There she was, naked as the day she was born. I look around, and spot two hands gripping the balcony. There's a man hanging from my balcony, in just his underwear, 25 floors above the ground! I step on the bastards...
Salesman
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money." She proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty," he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."...
Two buddies are up late smoking a little weed.
The first guy says “what time is it” to which the second guy says “I’m not sure, here give me that trombone”
The first guy asks “how the hell can you tell the time with a trombone?!”
“It’s magic” replies his friend and as he says that he lets out a long, low belt on the trombone. He stops and waits, seemingly expecting something
Suddenly a loud voice calls out from the room above
“Who the fuck is playing the trombone at 3 am!?”...
Two strangers get paired up golfing
They’re both pretty avid golfers, so they’re playing a speedy round.
They play through a couple groups and end up behind a couple ladies further up the fairway.
The one chap decides to walk up and ask if they can play through. About halfway towards them, he stops dead and turns around.
His partner says “why’d you stop?”
“Well when I got close, I realized one was my wife and one was my mistress.”
The other fellow decides to go inquire on behalf of the duo.
He, too, gets halfway, stops and turns around.
As he comes back to his partner he says “small...
As I left the store, I noticed the Traffic Warden writing a ticket...
"Oi," I said, "you can't do that!" "Yes, I can. Its my job," He replied, as he tore the ticket off and placed it on the windshield.
"Oh, fuck you," I said. The warden raised an eyebrow and then wrote another ticket and slapped it on top of the other one.
"What's that one for?" "Swearing at me." "You absolute twat." Another ticket. "Pin dick!" Another. "Fucker!" Another.
My wife came out of the store and stood beside me. "What's going on?" She asked.
"This prick keeps writing tickets because I'm swearing at him."
"What an utter bastard," she said....
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!"...
Thứ Hai, 6 tháng 9, 2021
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?"
The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$4.20". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing...
3 stoners buy a horse
They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.
One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.
While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.
They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke from the bong.
Eventually, they detach muzzle the horse and the horse's eyes get bloodshot, it is visibly high.
As a consequence, the horse starts talking:
"You have awakened me", the horse says.
The stoners, shocked, reply, "whoa, you can talk?" In unison.
The horse proceeds...
A woman and a man are lying in bed
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."...
It’s Mikes first day of prison.
He walks into his cell, and his cellmate is sitting on the edge of the bed shirtless.
“Listen, first thing you need to know is that this is going to happen. Your only choice is whether is happens with spit or without spit,” says the shirtless celly.
“Well, I don’t want this to happen at all, please don’t make me,” Mike pleads.
The shirtless man just looks at Mike and repeats himself “It can happen with spit or without spit.”
“Shit, ok well I guess with spit,” says Mike.
“Cool,” the celly says, and then calls out “HEY SPIT GET IN HERE HE SAID YOU...
Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"
Obama says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."
For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I think America will love her too." That wish was granted.
For my second wish, I said "Like all patriotic Americans, I am deeply patriotic...and I want to be President...of the United States...so I can serve my country." That wish was granted too.
And then, for...
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.
The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.
The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"...
Chủ Nhật, 5 tháng 9, 2021
Two american jewish men send their sons to Jerusalem to learn about their culture.
A year later the two are having a chat:
-- I am so disappointed in my son, I don't know what to do... Once he returned, he claimed to have become christian!
-- My son as well, this is a tragedy.
-- We should go see our Rabbi, maybe he can guide us.
The two then visit the Rabbi and tell him their stories, to which he replies:
-- Unfortunately, I'm in the same boat as you two. I sent my son to Jerusalem a few years ago and he also became christian. Only God can help us now, we should pray to him!!!
So they start praying:
-- Please help us God, we...
[NSFW] A woman walks out of the shower...
A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says:
"Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"
The boyfriend: "Yeah...the drain is clogged again."...
A young man is walking down the road carrying chicken wire
He passes by this old man’s house and the old man says, “Hey son, what are you doing with that chicken wire?” The young man says, “I’m going to catch me some chickens.” The old man laughs and says, “You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.” So the young man keeps walking. But sure enough, later that evening the young man walks back by and he has 10 chickens.
The next morning the young man walks back by the old mans house carrying duck tape. The old man says, “Hey son, what do you plan to do with that duck tape?” The young man says, “I’m going...
The teacher asks the class to use the word contagious in a sentence.
The first kid says" We all have to wear masks because coronavirus is contagious ". Teacher says well done. Second kid says "I couldn't play with my friends all summer because I had chickenpox, which is contagious". Teacher says well done again. Little Billy gets up and says" We've got a man painting our house and I heard my dad say to my mum, the speed he's working, it's gonna take that cunt ages"....
A man takes a walk with his new girlfriend who he's been dating for three months
About 20 minutes into the walk, they pass a park and see two bunnies mating. The woman says "how does the male bunny know that the female bunny is ready for sex?" The man says "it's natural, the male can smell it".
The couple continues to walk for another 20 minutes and they pass a forest where they see two deer mating. The woman says, "how does the buck know that the doe is ready for sex?" The man says "it's natural, he can smell it".
They walk for another 20 minutes where they pass a field of cattle and see two of the cattle mating. The woman...
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge....
An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:
My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus", he says.
Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me". The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks.
Then the Australian calls...
An Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman...
...are robbing the manor house.
One of them trips the alarm and before you know it the cops arrive with sirens blaring and lights flashing.
The three unlucky gents are in the kitchen, and looking around the Scotsman spies three empty sacks in the corner..." right lads....in the sacks " he says!
The police are searching through the house when the Detective Inspector sees the three sacks in the corner.
" ...oo arr!? Wot we got ere then now?... "
He walks over to the first one and gives it a nudge with his boot...the Scotsman, inside, thinks quick...
Thứ Bảy, 4 tháng 9, 2021
A man goes to an animal market
He goes up to a rooster seller and buys a rooster.
The seller hands it to him and says, "Oh, in this business, we call it a cock".
The man takes note and goes to buy a hen seller.
The seller hands it to him after paying and tells him "By the way, in this business, we call it a pullet".
The man nods and goes to a donkey seller. Hey buys it and turns to leave but the seller calls him back.
"I forgot to tell you but we call donkeys in these parts asses. Also, this is a very lazy donkey, it likes to sometimes abruptly sit down. To get it stand up,...
I rang my brothers house....
...and his six year old son, Billy, answered the phone.
"Hey Billy" I said "Is your Dad there?
"Yes" he answered is a whisper. "But he's busy."
"What about your Mum?" I said
"She's busy too", he replied, but again in a whisper I could barely hear.
"What are they doing?" I asked
"They're talking to the policemen" he replied, still in a very faint whisper.
"What are the policemen doing there?" I asked
"Looking for me" he whispered...
Old Woman
An old lady is walking down the street carrying 2 large sacks and one is leaking 20$ bills.
A cop stops her and asks "Where did an old lady like you get all that money?" and she replied,
Well you see I live behind a golf course and when the golfers need to pee they stick their penis in a hole in my fence and pee in my yard, well it got to be a problem because it was killing all my flowers,
the cop replied. "Ok, now why the money.
The old lady continued, "Well I started standing behind my fence with a pair of hedge clips so that when the golfers...
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the night,the bartender thinks that nothing could possibly top the first trick so he agrees.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing...
Thứ Sáu, 3 tháng 9, 2021
Comparing Texas lawmakers with the Taliban seems a little extreme.
One is authoritarian theocracy armed by US weapons manufacturers that violently persecutes women and children in the name of religion and the other is the Taliban....
Nsfw I caught my girlfriend using fruit to masturbate whenever i'm not home..
I told her that this is not going to work out.. Then she completed lost it and went fucking bananas!...
The phone bill was exceptionally high...
.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.
Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.
Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.
Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.
All of them were shocked and together looked at the maid who was patiently listening to them.
Finally the maid said, "Why are you all looking at me? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??...
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