I never hear her coming....
Thứ Tư, 31 tháng 3, 2021
A very tall man walks into a bar...
and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
'What's that ?' the lady questions again.
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops...
There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,
There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,
His poems weren't always first rate,
His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,
Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line....
The Mistress
A rich dude and his wife were having dinner at a fancy joint. This absolutely stunning young woman comes over to the table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at him: "Who the hell was that ?
"Oh", replies the husband casually, "She's my mistress."
"Why you son of a bitch, that's the last straw" says the wife. "I'm done with you, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," he sez, "but remember, divorce means no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in...
I 69ed with my girlfriend before a dentist appointment...
This morning I had the amazing opportunity to 69 with my girlfriend, so I did, but afterwards I was concerned because I remembered that I had a dentist appointment.
So I went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth 5 times, mouth washed twice, and on my way to the dentist I popped in 5 mints. When I got there I felt kind of relieved thinking okay my breath has to smell good.
Well the dentist calls me in, sits me down, and leans me back. He tells me to open my mouth and I did, but when he got close he leaned back and said,
"Oh my god were you 69ing...
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.
I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She...
A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.
“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"
The man groans, but remains seated. The Usher becoming impatient with the man, "sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"
Again the man just groans, which infuriates the Usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager calls the police.
Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, "alright buddy, what's...
Thứ Ba, 30 tháng 3, 2021
There are two trees in the forest, a beech and a birch and one day, they notice a small tree has sprouted up in between them. The birch says, "Man, that really looks like a son of a beech!" The beech retorts, "No way! That's gotta be a son of a birch!"
So, they start arguing back and forth. "Son of a beech!" "Son of a birch!"
Eventually, a woodpecker flies by and hears the two trees fighting and he asks the two trees what's wrong and what are they are fighting about.
The trees explain to the woodpecker that they can't tell if the small tree that sprouted between them is a son of a beech or if it's a son of a birch.
The woodpecker decides he will settle their argument, once and for all, tells the tree he will be right back, then flies down to the small tree to check it out.
Meanwhile, the beech...
Jesus is walking through the desert when he comes across and old man crying to himself.
"Why do you cry for Old Man?" Jesus asked.
"I've been searching for my son forever and I'm about to give up hope."
"Well I've been wandering the desert in search of my father for many years, perhaps I've seen your son in my travels. Can you describe him?" Jesus explained.
"He's got nail marks in his hands and feet..."
With that Jesus threw open his arms and embraced the old man. "Father!" he exclaimed.
"Pinocchio!" the old man cried....
How programmers and cats are alike?
They both can sit in the same position for long time and get excited when they find a bug...
A guy wakes up with a huge hangover and no recollection of his night out with his mates
Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.
He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, "Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you."
Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast. 'Tell me,...
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special...
The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"
Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.
The day on which the paper announced the contest winner finally arrived! I scanned, and then carefully read the full-page of submissions, but the truth stared me in the face. Of my submissions that should have won, no pun in ten did....
Thứ Hai, 29 tháng 3, 2021
My boss just asked,
"Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."
I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."
He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
I said, "Monday."...
3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes, but no lighter
So one of the guys throws a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter....
guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum
and yells “WHO THE FUCK FUCKED MY WIFE?!”
it’s quiet for a moment, and then a man at the back of the bar says “Mate you don’t got enough bullets”...
My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife.
Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question. But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world....
A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.
In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German Shepherd said, “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.”
“Good!” said God. “Sit at my right side.” Then God asked, “Doberman, what do you believe in?”
The Doberman answered, “I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.”
“Aha,” said God, “you may sit on my left.”
Then God looked at the cat and asked, “And what do you believe in?”
“I believe,” replied the cat, “that you are sitting in my seat.”...
Chủ Nhật, 28 tháng 3, 2021
What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?
Don't let him drive that cargo freighter,
don't let him steer that cargo freighter,
don't let him near that cargo freighter,
early in the morning....
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him...
BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP!
On his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing...
My girlfriend's dog died so I got her an identical one
She got even more upset and shouted at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"...
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license.
. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"
The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it."
"Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over.
The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."...
[NSFW] A man with a large penis goes to the doctor
For he has a very bad stuttering problem.
He says the to doctor “i i i I’ve g g g got a a a a p p p problem i can’t t t t talk in f f f full S S S sentences.”
The doctor says “well maybe you just have a bad stutter but we will run some tests on you to make sure.”
So they run tests and find out all the blood that should be going to his brain is going to his large penis instead and that’s why he stutters.
They inform him they will have to remove over half of his penis for him to talk properly and it’s a safe procedure plus his penis will still be...
This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own clothes but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my clothes."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own clothes going forward....
A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.
He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:
"Ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot."
Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"...
I told my brother, "My wife ran of with my best friend Joe yesterday."
My brother looked at me funny for a minute then asked, "Since when is Joe your best friend?"
I looked back and replied "Since yesterday."...
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.
The teller said "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fuck you Americans too!"...
Thứ Bảy, 27 tháng 3, 2021
*nsfw* Russian
A large burly Russian man went on a holiday in Thailand. He heard about the extraordinary red light district there, where whoring is rampant. He got himself one hooker and brought her to his hotel room.
There, he began removing his clothes. First, he took off his shirt. The hooker gasps and says "Oh...what large chest you have!"
"That's because I am Russian," he says.
Next, he removes his pants. Again, the hooker gasps and says "Oh...what large thighs you have!"
"That's because I am Russian," he says.
Then, he removes his underwear. The hooker...
An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water...
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on...
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt,...
Perfect Penis
Five 4th grade boys in a typical bathroom discussion during recess were discussing how to get a girl. It was nearly unanimous that girls were easy to get by guys with a perfect penis. None of the boys seemed to know what the perfect penis was though. Jimmy stayed on the periphery listening and not talking.
That night after dinner Jimmy asked dad if they could talk. In private he tells his dad of the bathroom discussion and asks his dad, what is the perfect penis.
Dad being quite confident opens his fly, displays his penis across his hand, and...
(long) Life lessons learned on a farm.
One day, a chicken and horse were walking in a field when all of a sudden, the horse fell into a thick bed of mud. Failing to pull him out, the horse said, "Quick! Get the farmer! He'll help me!"
The chicken ran back to the farmhouse and pounded on the door, but no one answered. He dashed into the barn and found the farmer's Ferrari, jumped in, and drove to the horse. He threw a rope around his friend and pulled him out with the car.
"Thanks, buddy! I thought I was a goner!"
A few days later, the pair were walking in the same field, but this time,...
A mix of NSFW jokes ( 11 Jokes ) Enjoy and give your opinions on what should I post next.
1 - Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy. "Slow down, baby," she said. "Foreplay is an art." "You better get your canvas ready soon," he panted, "because I'm about to spill my paint!"
2 - A wife sent her husband a romantic text message… She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please...
Thứ Sáu, 26 tháng 3, 2021
A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!
‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’ After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’ ‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’ The following day, the girl says to her mother. ‘Mum, today we measured our chests in class and mine is the largest! Is that because I’m blonde?’ ‘No darling, that’s because you’re 18.’...
Three tortoises go for a picnic
Three tortoises, Rodney, Roger and Gary, decide to go on a picnic. Rodney packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is 10 miles away. So, it takes them 10 days to get there. When they get there Rodney unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Gary give me the bottle opener." "I didn't bring it," says Gary. "I thought you packed it," Rodney gets worried, he turns to Roger, "did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally, Roger didn't bring it. So they're stuck 10 miles from home without a beer bottle opener. Rodney...
A Calgarian died and went to Hell.
After the Calgarian had been in Hell for some days, Satan went to check on him. Much to his shock, he found that the Calgarian was enjoying himself.
"Why are you so happy?" asked Satan.
"It was always so cold in Calgary," said the Calgarian. "This place is so toasty warm."
"You like warmth?" responded Satan. "I'll show you warmth!" He immediately went to Hell's thermostat and cranked up the heat.
Satan walked back through Hell, past people who begged him to turn the heat back down. Finally, he met the Calgarian, who was happily eating a hot dog.
"Why...
A man comes home and finds his dog holding his neighbor’s pet rabbit’s lifeless body
Realizing what has happened and fearing his neighbor’s ire, he quickly retrieves the rabbit, washes it and places it back in its cage, hoping his neighbor thinks it died of natural causes.
The following day his neighbor asks him if he knows what happened to Fluffy. “Er.. Um.. of course not... what happened?”, he replied. His neighbor explained, “We just found him dead one day. The weird thing is, after we buried him, someone dug him out of his grave, washed him and placed him back in his cage. There are some sick people out there.”...
Little 5-year-old Johnny was running around the house making noise...
When his mother yelled at him, saying: "Can't you find something to do? Like maybe go across the street and watch the construction workers build that new house? "
So, Johnny did. A few hours later, His father had just returned home from work. "Where were you, son?" He asked.
Little Johnny answered: "Watching the men building that new house."
"Did you learn anything?", asked Dad
“I Did!”, exclaimed Little Johnny, “I learned all about building a house!”
“That’s a lot to learn in just one day!” Johnny’s father replied. “Tell me, Son, how do you build...
A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years
One day he sees a beautiful woman in a swimsuit come ashore.
She says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you had a drink?"
He replies "Ten years" and with that she reveals a bottle of whiskey from within her swimsuit, which the man starts drinking from.
She then asks, "Tell me, how long has it been since you smoked a cigar?"
He replies "Again, 10 years" and with that she pulls out a cigar and lighter from within her swimsuit and he starts smoking.
She then seductively unzips her swimsuit and says, "Now tell me....how long has it been...
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”
My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.
The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”
The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me. My farts are still silent, but my God, they stink!!”
The doctor says, “Excellent. Now that your sinuses are cleared, let’s work on your hearing.”...
Thứ Năm, 25 tháng 3, 2021
A Rather Distasteful Joke
New students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and licked it.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his...
Why Women Need a Husband?
Why Women Need a Husband?
A Woman goes to a Psychiatrist and complains: “I don't want to marry. I am educated, independent, and self-sufficient. I don't need a husband. But my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”
The psychiatrist replied: “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But somethings inevitably will not go the way you want. Somethings will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plans won't work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then who will you blame? Will you blame Yourself?”
Woman: “NO!!!”
Psychiatrist:...
A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him
and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"
The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!
Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The latter is silent for a moment and then says again, "Take all your money - all that you've won - go inside and put them on 27!" - "Again?!" - "Yes! Do it!" - The man quickly yields, goes in again, puts all the money on 27 and ... wins!
Now everyone in the casino is...
The other day my wife told me some woman at work called her fat
I told her “Honey, don’t fight with her about it. Just be the bigger person.”
So anyway now I’m divorced...
Bill Gates met Arnold Schwarzenegger at a party.
He asked him if he had upgraded to Windows 10 yet. Big Arnie replied:
Ah still love Vista baby......
Thứ Tư, 24 tháng 3, 2021
My uncle bought a piano from Nigeria.
So he brings it home and hires a guy to come tune it. The piano tuner struggles with it and after five minutes says, “Lemme guess... West African piano?”
“Yeah, how did you know?” my uncle responds.
“Well, West African pianos are notoriously hard to tune,” he says, “not like North African pianos, they Tunisia “...
Bloke is in bed with his wife having sexy time when there's a knock at the front door...
It's 2am and bloke isn't impressed but the knock is persistent so he goes downstairs. Opening the front door he sees it's blowing a gale and raining sideways and there's a man standing there, bedraggled and soaked.
"Excuse me can I have a push?" the man gasps.
"Fuck off!" says bloke, slams the door and stomps back to bed.
"Who was that?" asks his wife, so he tells her.
When he'd finished she says "That's a bit mean - you had a flat tyre last month in the middle of the night and a stranger helped you. Just think if you were out in this weather...
Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it......
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition......
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years......
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.....
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet...
An alter boy goes in for Confession...
An alter boy goes in for Confession, and he sits down across from the priest and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned; I slept with a girl in my grade at another school."
The priest says "All will be forgiven. But for my own curiosity, who was it?"
"Father, I promised her I wouldn't tell a soul. I don't even think she'd be comfortable with me telling you."
"It wasn't Kathleen O'Reilly, from St. Mary's, was it?"
"Father, she made me promise not to tell."
"Was it Sophia Lopez, from Holy Family?"
"Father, I don't want her to get a reputation."
"It...
One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage.
While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk.
She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. He accepts her answer and eventually forgets all about the matter.
Three years later when he is cleaning out the attic, he runs across the trunk and again asks his wife what's in it. She again tells him that it contains only personal things, but this time he...
Reposts...
r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it....
A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother. While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel. The people there told him:
"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free. r>
The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.
When in the USA, his wife came up to him and said:
"I really love what you just did for my mom. That proves me that you actually loved my mother and you respected her"
Man: Babe, are you crazy?! Those Israelis are the same people who buried Jesus and three...
Thứ Ba, 23 tháng 3, 2021
Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million:
Get up at 5:00AM every day
90 minutes of cardio
Take a cold shower
Journal
Schedule out your day
Dad owns Fortune 500 company
Meditate
...
There has been two mass shootings within a week of each here in the United States.
It’s only been one year since COVID lockdowns but it looks like America is finally getting back to normal...
I rung up work this morning..
"My wife died last night." I explained. "I'm going to need some time off."
"Oh my goodness, that's awful." Replied the secretary. "We understand though, take as much time off as you need."
"Thank you." I said. "It'll be about eighteen years, if I behave myself."...
A Catholic priest announces at church one day, "I will be in Rome next week. If any of you have a wish, I will light a candle in Rome so that the wish will come true."
A woman announces, "My husband and I have been married for several years, but have never borne any children. Can you light a candle so that we can have children?"
"I will do that," says the priest.
Five years later, the woman says to the priest, "Since you went to Rome and lit that candle, I have given birth to two pairs of twins and a set of triplets, and now I am pregnant with quadruplets!" She then gives the priest a plane ticket to Rome.
"You are too kind," says the priest. "You don't need to thank me."
"I'm not thanking you," says the woman....
Two blind pilots enter a plane.
They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.
The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.
In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know, some day they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."...
A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend."
The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."
"Thanks Dad," the son says.
The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."...
Thứ Hai, 22 tháng 3, 2021
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make...
A was man drowning his sorrows at the bar. A beautiful woman sat down beside him and asked, “What is wrong?”
He said: “My wife just left me because I am too kinky in bed.”
The lady gasped, “My husband left me for the same reason!”
A few drinks later, they end up at her place and she says: “I’m going to the bathroom to change into something ‘more comfortable.’
Ten minutes later, she comes out, dressed head to toe in latex with a whip, but the man is headed out the door. She asks: “Where are you going?! I thought you wanted to get kinky!?”
He said, “Hey lady, I’ve already fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I am going home!”...
Chủ Nhật, 21 tháng 3, 2021
A man gets on a bus and sits next to a lady with a child ..
The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here..."
She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soon, or I'll give your milk to this man sitting here..."
She continues to try to get her babe to start feeding and finally in a stern tone tells the babe, "This is the last warning, you need to stop being fussy, or I'll give your milk to this man sitting here..."
The...
The CEOs of Miller, Budweiser, Cours, and Guinness walk into a bar
The CEO of Miller says to the bartender, "I want the best beer you have, a Miller Lite."
"Oh no," says the Budweiser CEO. "Your head is on backwards. Me, I'll have the king of beers, a Budweiser."
"I'll have the only beer brewed with Rocky Mountain spring water," chimes in the Cours CEO, looking awfully pleased with himself. "Gimme a Cours."
The Guinness CEO thinks for a minute. Eventually he says "I'll have a Coke."
The other CEOs look at him, confused. "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
The Guinness CEO sighs. "Well, I figured if you guys...
3 nuns died in a car accident.
They reached to the gates of heaven but the person who let's people in said "so I know you are people of the cloth but I decided that I am not going to just let people in, I'm going to give you a test".
So he goes to the youngest nun and says "who was the first man on earth". Nun 1: "Adam" a hand reaches out and pulls her in.
He goes to the middle aged nun and says "who was the first woman on earth". Nun 2: "Eve" a hand reaches out and pulls her in.
He goes to the oldest nun and says "since you are the eldest you are going to get a hard question,...
Tyrion walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass.
Madame: What can we do for you?
Tyrion: I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me.
Madame: Whatever for? And what's with the honeycomb and the mule?
Tyrion: My woman found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first was for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this damn honeycomb. The second wish was that she have the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this damn donkey...
Madame: And what about the third wish?
Tyrion: Well... she asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knee.
Madame: Well that one's...
A politician visited a village in Haiti after a devastating hurricane.
Upon arrival, he asked what their needs were.
“We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager.
“Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.”
On hearing this, the politician whipped out his phone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day.
He then asked about the second problem.
"Secondly sir, there is no phone coverage anywhere in the village.”...
Thứ Bảy, 20 tháng 3, 2021
Rich man, poor man
A rich man and a poor man are in a bar, discussing what they'd bought for their wives' birthdays.
The rich man says "I bought my wife two things: a diamond ring and a Mercedes Benz". The poor man asks why those two things. The rich man says "Well, I thought if she didn't like the diamond ring, she could use the Mercedes to take it back to the store."
The rich man asks the poor man what he had bought his wife for her birthday. "I bought two things, too" he says. "I bought her a pair of flip flops and a dildo". "Interesting", said the rich man "but...
my husband, who works in a funeral home
Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.
My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.
I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?" With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said,...
A Feminist Talked to me About the Dwayne Johnson Rule
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:
"Your chest is fucking epic."...
Two Canadians Die and End Up In Hell
Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're...
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer, and sees a large jar of $10 bills sitting on the bar.
"What's with the large jar of money?" he asks the bartender.
"We're having a little contest. You put $10 into the jar, and go out back and try to make the horse laugh. If he laughs, you get all the money. There's only one week left, and if no one gets it the jar is mine, almost $500!" the bartender replied
The man decided to give it a go. He put his $10 in the jar, and headed out the back door. A few minutes later he walks back in, the bartender looks back, and the horse is rolling on the ground laughing histerically.
"Thanks for the beer." the...
A drunk guy enters a taxicab...
- Take us to the...
- ”Us”? Which ”us”, you're alone!?
Drunk guy looks at him, somewhat bewildered:
- Wh-what, are you saying you ain't going?...
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies
"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2
"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But...
Thứ Sáu, 19 tháng 3, 2021
Three logicians walk into a bar
The bartender asks, "Do you all want a drink"?
The first one says, "I don't know." The second one says, "I don't know." And the third one says, "Yes."...
Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.
While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to a magical talking frog. If a man asks this frog for a kiss, his penis will grow four inches if she says yes, and shrink four inches if she says no.
"This is perfect," the man thinks, and he dons his most ill-fitting rags and rolls around in a pigsty...
An Irish man goes fishing
The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing?" “Fishing” replied the old man. Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.”
In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a superior smart ass, cannot resist asking,
"So how many have you...
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community.
All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" (Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me.) and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation, "Genesis 3:10.” Upon opening his Bible...
"I'm getting really worried about my mom," the guy says.
The last few times i visited her she can't remember my name." "Is it Alzheimer's?" his friend asks. "No," the guy says in disgust. "It's Steve."...
A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.
He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.
"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.
So the father visited a ton of different bakeries and did research, but found the prices to be too high.
My daughter is inviting all of her friends, and I'll look bad if I don't put together a good cake, he thought. Then, he stumbled upon a shop that opened once a year to provide free cake to its customers.
How quaint,...
Thứ Năm, 18 tháng 3, 2021
Went for a job interview for a blacksmiths apprentice
I was asked "have you ever shooed a horse before?" I said "no, but I once told a donkey to fuck off"...
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children...
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"...
Q:Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To visit his friend the dummy.
M: Knock knock
Y: Who's there
M: Your friend the chicken!
[My 7yo told me this one and caught me off guard...]...
My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.
One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.
It was a sham rock....
A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on.
He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The...
Thứ Tư, 17 tháng 3, 2021
A guy asked a girl in a university library:
A guy asked a girl in a university library:
"Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded with a loud voice:
“$500 FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl...
Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock.
Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.
Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?...
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.
The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties...
A lady golfer was stung by a bee.
So she went back to the clubhouse, and met with the club manager. The manager asked her "Where did you get stung?" The lady replied "Oh, between the first and second holes." The manager then said, "Well, obviously, your stance is too wide."...
What’s the Wi-Fi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
OK, I’ll have a Coke.
Bartender: Three dollars.
There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase....
I just farted on my wallet
Now I have Gas Money!
*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)...
Thứ Ba, 16 tháng 3, 2021
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye...
A pothead, a math teacher, and a gym teacher all go to heaven.
God tells them that heaven is full and they will have to trick the devil to be let in. God calls the devil and the devil comes in and introduces himself. The math teacher tries first and gives him a hard equation. The devil solves it in 10 seconds and the teacher is sent to hell. The gym teacher asks him to do 1000 push-ups in a row without stopping. The devils does it without stopping and the gym teacher is sent to hell. The pothead then says, “Give me a chair with 7 holes carved in it.” The devils hands him the chair. The pothead sits down on...
A woman just gave birth to a baby boy. Unfortunately....
The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"...
A man sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says "About 2 hours."
The man leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?". The barber looks around at a shop full of customers and says “About 3 hours."
The man leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?". The barber looks around the shop and says "About an hour and half."
Again, the man leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Bill, follow that...
Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."
Mom: Stares at Dad
Dad: Clenches fist
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: Sweats Profusely
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
Son: "No dad, I'm serious!"
Dad: "You're serious? I thought you were Gay!"...
A priest and a nun are having a tennis match...
The priest is very competitive, but can’t seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better. After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”, startling the nun. She let it slip by and the match continues.
But alas, after a fierce back-hand from the nun, the priest misses and again yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”
“Stop it” yells the nun. “You can’t use the Lords name in vein like that!”
The priest apologizes. “I’m sorry, sister. I swear to you, if I do it again, may God smite me with all his might.”
“Fair...
Teacher asks their class of children to come up with a sentence beginning with "I"
After a few children come to the front with predictable statements about having a cat or a certain toy, a child steps up and says
"I is-" and is immediately interrupted by the teacher,
"I am!"
She side-eyes the teacher, frowns and ignores her teacher, starting again
"I is-" again, the teacher interrupts her, this time a little more snappily
"It's I am! Use the proper word!"
The girl turns to look at her this time, eyelids drooped with exasperation.
"Fine," she sighs "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."...
Policeman: How could you kill...
...69 people? What the hell was wrong with you?
Driver: I was driving at 80km/h when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realized they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party.
Policeman: Hit the 2 men of course!
Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran towards the wedding party so l followed him....
I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.
They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.
I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment....
Thứ Hai, 15 tháng 3, 2021
It’s 10pm when the phone rings in Dr. Stein’s house.
"It’s Dr. Gold," says his wife, passing him the phone, "I do hope it’s not another emergency."
Dr. Stein takes the phone and says, "Hi, what’s up?"
"Don’t worry, everything’s OK," replies Dr. Gold. "It’s just that I’m at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. We’re having a little game of poker and we’re short one player so we thought you might like to come over and join us?"
"Sure .... yes, of course," replies Dr. Stein, putting on a serious voice, "I’m leaving right now." And he puts down the phone.
"What’s happened?" his wife asks, with a worried...
A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.' The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'...
I need to re-home a dog.
It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you....
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."...
Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'
Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof. "Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."
Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playing each one like a virtuoso, nearly bringing the bartender to tears with it's skill.
"Amazing." Says the bartender. "I've got my family's bagpipes, do you think your octopus could manage that?"
"Let's see." Said the man as the bagpipes were laid gently next to...
I had twelve bottles of whisky...
...and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!
So, I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass... which I drank.
I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with the exception of one glass... which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, with the exception of one glass... which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork...
Chủ Nhật, 14 tháng 3, 2021
A soap factory had a problem.
They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. Six months, and $8 million later, they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.
They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell...
A man is driving home one night while very aroused
As he is passing a pumpkin patch, he thinks to himself, “Pumpkins are soft and squishy and there’s no one around for miles.
He pulls over and pulls out a juicy pumpkin, cuts the appropriate hole in it and begins to slake his erotic desires. Soon he’s really into it and doesn’t notice the police car pulling up.
The cop pulls up and says, “Excuse me sir, do you realize you’re screwing a pumpkin?”
The man looks at the cop in complete horror and says, “A pumpkin?! Damn is it midnight already?”...
Me - “What’s a 3 letter word for compete?”
Dracula - “Vie.”
Me - “It’s for a crossword.”
I saw this on Twitter(@clichedout) and it made me smile so hopefully someone else will get a kick out of it....
Married life!
One day, I looked at my wife and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living...
Thứ Bảy, 13 tháng 3, 2021
The police were called to a female gym...
The female manager ran out to greet the two male officers as they exited their vehicle.
“Please, come quickly.” She said in horror, “We’ve found a peep hole drilled into the changing room. Some pervert has been watching us!”
“Don’t worry,” the policeman said reassuringly, “We’ll track down the suspect right away. Please tell all the ladies to go back to their exercising. There’s nothing to worry about anymore.”
The gym manager nodded, relieved, “And what about the hole in the wall?”
“Rest assured” The other police officer said, “We’ll be looking...
When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...
…I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french....
Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.
After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"
Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."
For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I think America will love her too." That wish was granted.
For my second wish, I said "Like all patriotic Americans, I am deeply patriotic...and I want to be...
Thứ Sáu, 12 tháng 3, 2021
I got fired from my job as a cashier today...
This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."
I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"...
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before...
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