Mourning wood...
Thứ Sáu, 30 tháng 4, 2021
"Your sign outside says 3 strippers for 4.99... We talking topless or fully nude?"
"Sir this is Dominoes pizza. They're chicken strippers."
"Ok ok, now the price makes sense... How long is each dance?"...
Mother and son
Mother: Who do you like more, me or your dad.
Liam: I like you both.
Mother: Ok, if I go to america and your dad goes to paris, where will you go
Liam: I will go to paris.
Mother: That’s means you like dad more
Liam: No, its because i like paris
Mother: Ok, fine, if I go to paris and your dad goes to america, where will you go.
Liam: I will go to America. Mother: Why
Liam: Because I have already gone to paris....
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"...
Thứ Năm, 29 tháng 4, 2021
At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..."
Officer: Yes? Inmate: I think I have.. Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied....
The third-grade teacher calls on Little Ernie and says, "Can you use the word `beautiful' twice in the same sentence?"
"Oh, sure," replies Ernie. "Um... Yesterday, my sister came home, told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, fucking beautiful!"...
200 IQ baby
Father: “Say Daddy”
Baby: “Mommy”
Father: “No, say Daddy”
Baby: “Mommy”
Father: “Fuck you! Say Daddy!”
Baby: “Fuck you”
Mother arrives home
Mother: Honey, I’m back! How’s the baby?
Baby: “Fuck you”
Mother: “What?! Who taught you that awful word?”
Baby: “Daddy”...
Corona must have hit India hard...
I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer....
I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...
I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right places. I said WOW and gave her my name. She gave me hers, so i asked what she did.
She said "I'm a Sunday school teacher."
I said "Well, I Ain't never been with a Christian woman before but I'm open minded about the whole affair."
So we got in my Corvette...
If you like lawyer jokes, here are some of the best recorded interactions that have happened in actual courts or trials
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember...
A man places his penis in a crocodiles mouth in front of amazed onlookers
He assures the crowd that it is a well trained animal and that he is perfectly safe. To demonstrate this even further he takes a full beer bottle and smacks the Croc over the head - all while his tackle rests in the animals jaws. The Croc doesn't budge, so he does it again! Nothing. He turn and asks the crowd is there anyone else brave enough to try?
An elderly lady shakily raise her hand to the now surprised onlookers and says 'I'll have a go, but don't hit me so hard over the head'...
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
(credit to "Fact and Fun" on youtube)...
One of the first steps toward becoming a man...
One day, the father of a young boy decides that it's time to teach his son how to pee standing up.
"Alright, son, this is one thing that will help you become a man. It's a privilege we have that women do not, so it's important to take advantage of it. All you have to do is follow these nine steps."
The boy listens intently and follows each direction:
"Step one: unzip your trousers."
"Okay."
"Step two: pull out your penis."
"Got it."
"Step three: pull back your foreskin. This will help you aim better."
"Oh, I see."
"Step four: go pee, making sure...
My favorite Dad joke, because it’s my cake day.
Why does a chicken coup only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan....
Thứ Tư, 28 tháng 4, 2021
Two Jews, Moishe and Abram, are arguing.
Moishe: Black is a color
Abram: No it is not.
Moishe: I'm telling you, black is a color.
Abram: No, it's not.
They go to the rabbi.
Moishe: Rebbe, is black a color?
Rabbi: Yes, Moshe, black is indeed a color.
Moshe: See, Abram, I told you.
Abram: Okay, but white is not a color,
Moishe: Yes it is.
Abram: No, it is not.
Moishe: Rebbe, is white a color?
Rabbi: Yes, Moishe, white is indeed a color.
Moishe: See, I told you I sold you a color TV....
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention
so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the...
A man asks his wife, What would you do if I won the lottery?
His wife says, "Take half and leave your ass!" The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!"...
What's the difference between dark humour, morbid humour and brutal humour?
Dark humour is ten children in one trash can, morbid humour is one child in ten trash cans and brutal humour is ten trash cans in one child....
I encountered a milf at a bar last night
although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy
we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time
then, she asked me flirtatiously
"have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"
I said, "Nope, not yet".
She drank a little more, and said, "well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."
So she took me to her place.
She took out her keys
opens her door
turn on the light
and she yells towards upstairs
"Mom, are you still awake？”...
The build up is what makes it
So a priest walks down from the church into the market.
he sees a young boy at a stand, selling fish.
he had never seen fish like these.
so the priest walks over to the boy and asks, "what type of fish are these?"
boy replies "sons of bitches"
priest says" you shouldnt talk like that son!"
little boy says "no, thats the name of the fish!"
Priest: "i guess thats alright, Ill take some of them"
so the priest goes home and cooks the fish and says "wow these are great. and you know who'd love these? the Cardinal!"
so the priest buys more fish and...
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I...
My wife complains about constantly being sexually harassed at work
I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office if she doesn’t like it...
Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
FO: My dog is so smart that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.
SO: I know.
FO: How do you know?
FO: My dog told me....
Thứ Ba, 27 tháng 4, 2021
A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend
she was thrilled at the speed.
"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"
The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"
He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then flipped over. the Naked girl was thrown clear, but the boyfriend got stuck in a hole.
"Go and get help" he yelled.
"I can't I'm naked!"
"take my shoe, he said, and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe to her pubes she ran off, down the road. she came to a gas station, and ran...
In a tragic accident, the circus' human cannonball was killed today.
When asked if he will find a replacement, the Ringmaster responded, "Where will I ever find another man of his caliber?"...
A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.
He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,
"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"
The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man must have his penis reduced to a normal size to help with blood flow and stop the stutter.
A week later and the doctor conducts the surgery and removes most of the penis and leaves it off to the side and stitches the man up. He wakes up and without a doubt, no stutter!...
Teamster in a whore house
So a Teamster goes to Vegas for the annual conference and while he's there, asks one of his local brothers where a good whore house can be found. The local gives him three options. At the first house, he asks the Madame how much for a girl. "$100" " what's the split? " "Girl gets $25, house gets $75." So he leaves. At the second house, he's told a girl costs $100 "What's the split?" " House gets $60, girl gets $40" So he leaves At the third house he's told a girl will cost $100 "What's the split?" " girl gets $75, house gets $25" " hot damn! That's...
An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital.
An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital. His family comes to visit him as he his waking up from a deep sleep. He looks around the room in a daze and calls out to them.
"Padma, my beautiful wife, are you here" "Yes I am here my husband", she says
"Kajol, my daughter, are you here" "Yes I am here father", she says
"Suren, My son, are you here" "Yes I am here father", he says
"Well, if all of you are here, then who is looking after the bloody shop" yells the father...
A poor Irish family
A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.
One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.
"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.
The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground.
"I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun.
The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead.
"I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and...
Memories - Robin Williams Told this Originally
I was moving to California when I stopped at one of those old Indian trading posts somewhere in the desert.
One of the attractions there was an Native American with a sign beside him that read "this man has greatest memory in the world $5 per question" So I paid my $5 and asked him a question.
"What did you have for breakfast on the eighth of January 1993?"
He says "Eggs"
So 5 years later I'm moving away from California to another job and I stop with my U-Haul at the same place and I walk up to the guy again and I decide to do the traditional...
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real...
Thứ Hai, 26 tháng 4, 2021
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a...
Three men crash in a plane over the Amazon rainforest and are immediately captured by cannibals
To their surprise, the cannibals don't immediately kill them. Instead, they show the men (through pictures and such) the beginning of an ancient ritual which, upon successful completion by the men, will result in their freedom.
For the first step, they are instructed to go off into the jungle and collect ten pieces of a single kind of fruit.
The first man comes back triumphantly holding ten oranges. He is overcome with dismay when the second part of the ritual is revealed to him: he must now put all ten of the fruits up his ass without making...
A blonde moves out to the country....
A blonde moves out to the countryside because she's tired of people in the city assuming she's dumb because of her hair color. She dyes her hair brown, packs up, and moves out. On her way to her new house she passes a shepherd with a herd of sheep. Eager to start her new life, she pulls over and poses a challenge to the shepherd. "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I pick one to keep?"
The shepherd agrees so she spends some time looking and thinking and decides to just make a random guess.
"377?"
The shepherd, shocked, tells her she's...
The soviet soldier asked the german how to get to Berlin
Soviet soldier:how do i go to Berlin ? German: two hundred meters later take the third Reich.
(it was my first english joke ever probably it gonna be the last one sorry for my broken english)...
A man is walking down the beach and comes across a girl with no arm or legs crying:
Man: "What's the matter?"
Woman: "I've never been hugged before."
The man moved by compassion leans down and gives her a hug and begins continuing down the beach. Seconds after he leaves, he hears her sobbing once more and turns around.
Man: "What's wrong now?"
Woman: "I've never been kissed before."
The man bends down and gives her a kiss on the cheek then continues on his way once more. A few seconds later she starts crying uncontrollably and the man thinks, "My God, what now??" He turns back to her.
Man: "What's the matter now?"
Woman: "I've...
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please."
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: "Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible...
Chủ Nhật, 25 tháng 4, 2021
A whale and a dolphin are eating at a restaurant
A whale and a dolphin are eating at a restaurant. When the check comes to the table the dolphin insists on paying. The whale is quite grateful and wants to leave the tip at least but the dolphin respectfully declines.
The whale then says “thanks if there’s anything you ever need let me know”
The dolphin replies “you’re welcome”
Then the Whale says “Gross....why would you want that?”...
Are you Blonde?
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"
The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."...
A kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.
As she got to Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what his drawing was.
Little Johnny replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from his drawing Little Johnny replied, “They will in a minute.”...
A company owner was asked a question,
How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?" He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."...
President Biden visits a fully vaccinated senior home
After a heartful speech in which he thanked the staff for their effort and the residents for their sacrifices he was doing the hand-shaking round. As he greeted a particular old woman who appeared to be quite "out of it", he asked her, "Do you know who I am?". Her response was simply, "No, but there's a nice woman at the front desk who can tell you!"...
God tells these 3 guys that the vehicle they'll be driving around in heaven will be a reflection of how faithful they were to their wives
The first guy was cheating on his wife like every month, so God gave him a Chevy to drive around in heaven.
The second guy cheated on his wife once or twice over the years, but overall was pretty faithful, so God gave him an Acura to drive around in heaven.
The third guy never cheated on his wife at all and was the most faithful he could have possibly been, so God gave him a Rolls-Royce to drive around in heaven.
Sometime later, the first and second guy found the third guy sitting down crying. When they asked him what was wrong, he said "I just...
A guy went up the librarian at a library. . .
He asked her, “Do you have any books on paranoia?”
She leaned over to him and whispered, “They’re right behind you.”...
It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.
After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”
A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”.
With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “Well sergeant...for somebody who hasn’t had sex since 2015 you certainly haven’t forgotten anything!”.
The man looks at his watch and says: “I should hope not, it’s only 2230!”...
A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a donkey.
The brothel keeper asks how she can help him. He says, "I need a woman, because mine has left me."
The keeper says "Why? And what are the honeycomb and donkey for?" The dwarf says, "My wife found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first, she asked for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this honeycomb, the second she asked for the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this lovely donkey..."
The keeper asked, "What was the third wish?" "She asked the genie for my cock to hang down past my knees." "That's not so bad."...
Thứ Bảy, 24 tháng 4, 2021
4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado
Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.
After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?" Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well..,Well.., Well.., I ... think I need a brain".
"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT...
A Married Couple Terrified a Cab Driver.
They were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater, having had a break-in in the past, they turned on a nightlight and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When their cab arrived, they walked out from their front door and their rather tubby cat scooted between their legs, ran inside the house and up the stairs. Because their cat likes to chase their budgie, they really didn’t want to leave it alone. So, the husband ran inside to retrieve the cat and put it in the backyard again.
Since the wife...
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.The woman's husband also comes home.She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is inthere already.The little boy says, "Dark in here."The man says, "Yes, it is."Boy - "I have a baseball."Man - "That's nice."Boy - "Want to buy it?"Man - "No, thanks."Boy - "My dad's outside."Man - "OK, how much?"Boy - "$250"In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover arein the closet together.Boy - "Dark in here."Man - "Yes,...
Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.
So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.
After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just make a magical floating storage area in the sky. He called the storage area his attic because he thought it was neat, as he'd never been able to fit in a real house with a real attic.
Anywho the magic of the attic had worn down over time and stuff was starting...
Two birds are on a tree branch in the middle of the night
Bird 1: "I'm hungry, I'm going to try to find a mouse to eat."
Bird 2: "You sure? It's pretty damn dark to find a mouse."
Bird 1: "There's no harm in trying."
Bird 2: "I guess.."
So bird 1 flies off into the darkness. Some time passes and the sun begins to rise. Bird 2 sees his pal flying back with a juicy beakful of blood.
Bird 2: "Wow! Where did you find a feast like that?"
Bird 1: "See that tree over there?"
Bird 2: "Yeah"
Bird 1: "Well, I didn't."...
A burglar broke into a house one night....
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came...
A Russian citizen is crossing the border into Ukraine and hands his passport to the customs officer.
The customs officer asks: "Name?"
The Russian replies: "Vladimir Krylov"
The customs officer continues: "Occupation?"
The Russian replies: "Not yet, just visiting."...
Thứ Sáu, 23 tháng 4, 2021
A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest
The man enters the bank.
Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgage
Employee: I don’t really care....
The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.
When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!
Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side....
My wife and I had two miscarriages last year, and I believe there should be more jokes about miscarriages so we talk about it more...
The only problem is most of the jokes die before you finish delivering them.
—————————————————————
The title of the post is true and humor is how I deal with my pain...
At one point during a game,
the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. " Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative. The coach continued, "And when I take you out...
The secret to a happy marriage.
Young man is talking to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, I notice you and Grandma never argue. What's your secret?"
Grandpa says "We went to the Grand Canyon on our honeymoon, and we took a guided donkey tour to the bottom. Well a little bit after we started our descent, your Granny's donkey stumbled a bit. Granny said "That's one". I thought it was odd, but you know, we just kept going. A bit later, the donkey stumbled again and Granny said "That's Two". Well at this point the route was getting narrow and scary so I didn't say anything, I just...
Thứ Năm, 22 tháng 4, 2021
My Jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke
A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there"....
A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it.
While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says,
"Looks like you blew a seal."
"No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."...
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”
The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me tell you sumsing, lady I vasn’t staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from.”
The drunk woman giggled and responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at my boobs or ass, Sweetie, what are you doing then?”
He paused a moment, then told her…”Vell, M’am,...
So Tod goes to a new truckers joint...
He sits down and the waiter approaches him.
Do you want to hear the daily specials sir? He asks.
"No thank you", says Todd, "let me smell your hand and I'll tell you want I'd like today".
So the waiter reluctantly proceeds to offer his hand to be smelled by this weird customer.
Todd says, I'll have the fried chicken with spicy paprika mashed potatoes.
The waiter is impressed, he thinks to himself: how does this guys know that's on the menu!
Todd has his lunch, pays the check and leaves.
Next day, Todd walks in again, and again he asks to smell...
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, ’Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'
He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you
Everything from the sound it makes.'
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite...
Thứ Tư, 21 tháng 4, 2021
A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:
"Is there a doctor in the building?!"
He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.
"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."
"How do you feel?" asks the doctor.
"Nauseous," says the guest, "I just threw up my whole meal and I still feel sick and lightheaded."
"What did you eat?" says the doctor, suspecting a case of fast-acting food poisoning.
"The chicken lo mein, number 9, and some dumplings."
At this point...
A Boob, a Vagina and an Asshole are debating
Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the
opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest.
Vagina: That's nothing.
I give birth to babies, and can accommodate the opposite sex.
That's why I'm the greatest.
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak....
Senior sex
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got...
At breakfast, the wife asks her husband “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”
He says, “I’d take my half and leave you.”
She says, "Great. Here's $6, I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch.”...
A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Shit mom, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops '
WHACK...she spanks him
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying...
A black man is driving in a Mercedes-Benz when he gets pulled over by a cop.
The cop asks him for his license and registration and begins to question him about his car. "Where'd you get the money to buy such a nice Benz?"
The man replies, "I'm a specialty surgeon, I enlarge assholes."
Skeptical, the officer asks more about the procedure. The man explains, "First you work a finger in, then two, three, until you can get your whole hand in...then you do the other and slowly pull and work the rim until you can get a foot in for more leverage, then both feet and pull and stretch it until it's about 6 feet.
The cop asks, "What...
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said:
"Meow."...
4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion!
4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion. As they run, they cry out to God yelling, "PLEASE LORD! CONVERT THIS LION TO BE A CHRISTIAN LION!"
They run until they reach a dead end.
They hungry lion approaches slowly, as they cry out louder:
"PLEASE LORD HEAR OUR PRAYERS AND CONVERT HIM!"
They lion stops walking, and the monks praise God.
The lion kneels down, puts his paws together and says:
"Bless us, O Lord, and these, thy gifts, which we are about to receive through thy bounty, through Christ, our Lord, Amen."...
Reposts...
r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it....
A man orders a tomato soup at a restaurant..
As soon as waiter brings the soup he started yelling at waiter and ask him to taste the soup.
Waiter "sorry sir we're not allowed to do that. I will bring you another one."
He still kept yelling at him and asked him to taste the soup.
Waiter was nervous by now so he told the man that "I will call the manager"
As soon as manager arrives, he starts yelling at him and asked him to taste the soup.
Manager apologies and tells the same that it is not in their policy and he asks waiter to bring another one.
But the man wouldn't stop asking manager to...
Having a bad day and need your spare funny NSFW jokes. Help me Reddi-wan your my only joke!
So this cowboy goes out riding. Gets captured by natives and is told that now is a holy time so he may live in their camp for 3 days while the holy time comes to a close. The cowboy agrees (like he had a choice)
First day he askes his guard if he can go talk to his horse. The guard wants to know why. So he explains that he had been with his horse for 10 years and just wants to bid him farewell. So the guard thinks about and finally agrees. So the cowboy goes up to his horse, whispers in the horses eat and the horse takes off like a streak of lightning....
Thứ Ba, 20 tháng 4, 2021
The longest drum solo.
Was 5 hours and 23 minutes and was performed by the child sitting behind me on United Flight LY51 From Newark to Los Angeles....
A teacher told his students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted, angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"...
George and Jim were born in the same hospital on the same day
They lived on the same street and they became the closest of friends, brought together by their shared love of football.
Before they were old enough to go to school they'd play football together in the street. When they were at school they played in the school team together. When they left school they played in the same amateur league together.
They were both season ticket holders for the same team and they had seats beside each other.
As they got older they found it hard to get to the games so they'd watch the football on the TV together.
Eventually...
me: I'm going to build a time machine
her [eating the last donut]: what you gonna use it for?
me [eating the last donut]: righting wrongs...
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice.
"I'd like to try the bet." After the...
Thứ Hai, 19 tháng 4, 2021
In honour of my first cake day, here's a few of my favourite riddles. Feel free to try them on your friends.
Q: What gets bigger, the more you take away from it?
A: A hole
Q: What two words have thousands of letters in them?
A: Post office
Q: The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't see it. What is it?
A: A coffin
Q: What travels all over the world, but stays in the corner?
A: A stamp
Q: What runs all around a field, but doesn't move?
A: A fence
Q: What starts with E, ends with e and only has one letter in it?
A: Envelope...
I have a friend who was obsessed with the moon.
Lunar cycles, werewolf lore, eclipse dates, he knew all about them and then some. The really strange part was he focused solely on the moon in this way, no other part of space.
Made him easy to shop for though. Werewolf movies, moon pies, he'd love them just for being tangentially connected to the moon, and even just neat pictures of the moon excited him.
Then came his most recent birthday, where we saved up and bought him actual moon rocks. He opened the gift, but he didn’t seem enthused at all. "What's wrong?" We asked.
He sighed. "It's nothing....
This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"
I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."...
What's the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber.
(EDIT: my gf came back to me with "the type of meat you're putting in your mouth" which is way better.)...
A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for...
Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh on the joke, until...
On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.
A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.
The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle. Trudging tiredly...
Chủ Nhật, 18 tháng 4, 2021
A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.
She put an add out in the newspaper. "Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed"
She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn't find anybody suitable. She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring. She opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.
"Can I help you?" She asks.
The man smiles and says "Its me, your new husband!"
"You must be joking..." The woman laughs.
"Well think about it," he says. "I have no arms so i cannot beat you. I have...
An old joke from my parents' home country
At the international dentist convention the dentists from Iraq were displaying their new extraction technique.
With this device you can remove teeth from a patients mouth by entering through the rectum and navigating through their digestive track to pull the tooth out.
A dentist in the audience asks "Why did you make this?"
The iraqi dentist "Because Iraqis never open their mouths"
(At the time Saddam was killing anyone for talking bad about him)...
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan on the telephone.
"So, how's it going down there in hell?" God says.
"Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling...
A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."...
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.
Clooney says, “I’ll direct.”
DiCaprio says, “I’ll act.”
McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”...
Drunk guy at a bar
So there’s a drunk guy at a bar and all of a sudden he starts to vomit. “Oh no, I vomited on my t-shirt, my wife is gonna kill me!” Says the drunkard. “Let me help you with that”, says the bartender. The bartender goes to the drunk guy and says: tell your wife some idiot vomited on your t-shirt and gave you 10 dollar for the inconvenience. Off he goes, the drunk guy.. he tells his wife the story and hands her 20 dollar. “But you said 10 dollar”, replies his wife. “Yes but the idiot also shat in my pants!”...
How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to get on their high horse and the other to chastise them for oppressing the horse....
I don't like over confident people
Edit: Thanks for the silver!
Edit2: thanks for the gold!
Edit3: thanks for the platinum!
Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!...
Thứ Bảy, 17 tháng 4, 2021
Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.
They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island...
He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made...
A bus full of nuns crashes and they all die and go to the pearly gates.
There they are met by St Peter. St Peter asks the first nun:
"Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister replies: "Yes, with the tip of my finger"
"OK, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy water and in you go"
The next sister approached St Peter and He made the same question:
"Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
"Yes, I once gave a hand job."
"Put your hand in the holy water and in you go."
At this point one of the nuns at that back starts pushing and shoving her way to the front, when she gets there St Peter asks:
"Why are you in...
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert."
The blonde thinks "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast."
The Frenchman thinks "I bet that perfidious Englishman...
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whisky
He gulps them down quickly.
Bartender asks "What's the occasion?"
Guy replies "First blowjob"
Bartender "Wow, can I buy you another?"
Guy retorts "No, if 3 don't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will"...
A girl comes up to her stepdad and asks to borrow his car.
The stepdad denies her so she begs and begs and begs until finally the stepdad says, “fine, I’ll let you borrow the car if you drop on your knees and suck my dick.”
Disgusted, she turns around and goes back to her room.
30 mins later, she comes back to ask again because she really needs to borrow his car.
He says “Ok, but you still have to suck my dick!” She agrees, “fine but you better not tell anyone!”
She drops to her knees and puts his dick in her mouth but instantly pops up on her feet. “Ew! Your dick taste like shit!”
The father then remembers,...
What to pick
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."...
A man walks into a bar and orders 5 Whiskeys and downs them incredibly quickly.
The barman says "That was quick!"
"You'd drink them quickly if you had what I had..." replies the man.
"Ohh, what's that?" said the barman sympathetically.
The man answers "no money."...
The Marine on the Train
A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment. The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that...
Little boy in the bath with his mom. "What’s that hairy thing mom?"
His mom replies, "That’s my sponge." "Oh yes," says the boy, "the babysitter’s got one, I've seen her washing dad’s face with it."...
What kind of pet shop is this? (NSFW, original)
Joe had a dog that he loved dearly. Only one problem - no matter what he did, he just could not get the dog to stop soiling the carpet. Joe tried everything, read every book on dog training, bought every device on the market. But the dog just refused to be housebroken. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed it help can train any pet to do just about anything its owner wants. Even though it sounded too good to be true, Joe gave it a try.
The pet shop was very weird. Inside, half the shop was full of bones and dog treats. The other...
Covid restrictions...
I'm down with social distancing, but I think my local grocery store has gone too far.
They've put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register.
I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, I'm not falling for that....
Thứ Sáu, 16 tháng 4, 2021
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way...
My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.
Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.
"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.
And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.
"Oh, Pierre, mon dieu, that was so arousing and erotic, but tell me, why before you kissed me, did you pour red wine on my lip?"
"I am Pierre, zee French fighter pilot, and when i taste the red meat, i have the red wine."
"Oh Pierre, that is so romantic, kiss me again, but lower this time!"...
There are 500 bricks on an airplane, one falls off
(Here's my favorite joke, cause it's cake day!)
There are 500 bricks on an airplane, one falls off. How many are left?
499.
Why do you never see an elephant hiding in a tree?
Because they're really good at it.
Why are the bottom of elephants' feet yellow?
So they're invisible when the flip upside down in a bowl of custard.
Why did the elephant paint it's nails red?
So it could hide in cherry trees.
What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
A giraffe eating cherries.
What is the rumbling noise deep in the jungle?
Elephants falling out of trees.
Why...
Two nuns are riding bicycles through the Vatikan and they decide to take a shortcut down a cobblestone street.
The first nun says to the second, "I've never come this way before" The second nun replies, "Nor have I. It must be the cobblestones."...
It's cake day so here's one of my favourites.
A modern, Orthodox, Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize
it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest.Men and women always dance separately."
''So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
"Well,...
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and...
A man with no arms and no legs sits at the beach pondering his lonely life
3 beautiful women walk by and the first woman taking pity on the man walks up and asks "Have you ever been hugged before?"
"No" says the man. So she hugs him and walks on.
The 2nd woman also taking pity on the man, walks up and asks "Have you ever been kissed before?"
"No" the man replies sorrowfully. So she kisses him and walks on.
The 3rd woman also walks up to the man and asks him "Have you ever been fucked before?"
"No..." says the man now with a tear in his eye.
"Well thats what youre gonna be when the tide comes in"...
Husband: My doctor said I could masturbate anytime I want.
Wife: No, he said your blood pressure is incredibly high, and you could have a stroke at any moment....
Thứ Năm, 15 tháng 4, 2021
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.
On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly...
The Dead Milk Cow
On a small farm out in the country lived a farmer with his wife, his three sons, and his milk cow. No matter how hard he tried, the farmer could not get a single thing to grow on his land. Because of this, the only money the farmer could make was by selling the milk from the milk cow. Every day the farmer would wake up, verify that no crops had sprouted, milk the cow, take the milk into town to sell, buy necessities, and return just in time to help his wife finish cooking breakfast.
One morning, the farmer woke up, verified no crops had grown...
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