An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he spots a Preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the Preacher... The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk shouts, ' Hicc..yes, I am.' So the Preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.' The Preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him Into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and...

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I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly…

"Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"...

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Johnny caught his dad masturbating

“What are you doing Dad?” - asked Johnny His Dad smiled: “Don’t worry son, you’ll do the same thing soon!” “But why?” - asked Johnny “Because my hands are getting tired.” - said Dad...

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Why are there pyramids in Egypt?

They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum....

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A 60 years old lady was standing next to the railing on a cruise ship.

She was using both hands to hold her hat onto her head so it wouldn't blow away.... A gentleman approached the lady and said ..... "Ma'am, .... I am sorry to bother you but the wind is blowing your dress up".... The lady replied, ...... "Sir, if I take my hands off of my hat it will blow away"..... "I understand,..ma'am,.....but .... you aren't wearing any panties", .....replied the gentleman. The lady looked down then ......back up at the gentleman and said, *"Sir, .... anything you see down that is 60 years old. I bought this hat yesterday"...

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What do you call a slutty Buddhist?

A karma whore....

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The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday...

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough, and Jane Dough, who has one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs....

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KFC has asked scientists to edit the chicken genome.

They want something CRISPR....

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I dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday....

It caused severe pain To-ma-toes....

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What do you call two birds stuck together.. ?

Velcrows......

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What is a penis?

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mom calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and asks him, "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis." The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis...

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At a U2 concert in Belfast,Ireland

Bono asked the audience for total silence. Then in the silence he started to clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Keeping the audience in silence he said into the microphone, “every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.” From the front of the crowd a broad Irish accent pierced the silence, “well, fooking stop doin it, yer evil bastard!”...

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How can you tell if a Redditor isn't a native English speaker?

They'll inform you after three paragraphs of professional English....

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Q: Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice bottle for 2 hours?

A: Because it said 'concentrate'...

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A lady walks into the pro shop to complain about bee stings

A lady walks into the pro shop to complain about bee stings while she is golfing. The pro asks: “where’d you get stung?” “Between the first and second hole”, she answers. The pro replied: “your stance is too wide”....

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory... His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'" The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to say next. Eventually she says to him "That was an incredibly stupid and unsafe thing to do but at least you're all in one piece." The husband appreciates his wife's response and says "I suppose you're right." To lighten the mood the wife asks cheerfully "So what happened to the pickle slicer?" The husband...

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Reposts...

r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it....

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r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 17k members! Come see reposts in real time! https://discord.gg/jokes...

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They currently think the person who ruined the Tour de France might have been German.

Well, she did try to take down a whole race......

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“Trojan” isn’t a good name for a condom.

Didn’t the real Trojan horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?...

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Busted axle

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied...

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I had to tell my wife that I lost all our money in a cock fight

That sounded much better than gay prostitute...

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An elderly gentleman goes to his..

doctor for a physical, checked his bloodwork, heart and lungs, everything looks great! The doctor said he had one more test to perform. He needed the man to go home to collect a sperm sample in this jar to see how his reproductive health is. The old man says no problem with a smile. The next morning, the man returns and the doctor greets him. He hands the doctor the empty jar. The doc asked what happened? The old man begins "You see, I came home, and first tried with my right hand. And then with my left. I tried with both hands and still nothing......

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I've just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but apparently the celery is good....

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Wife: "You always get the worst anniversary gifts."

Husband: "You didn't say over. Over."...

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend. They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reacted to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive. At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea...

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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church...

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My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter....

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Too big for Pedro

Pedro and Juanita are running a cantina in Mexico. One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar. One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body." Juanita says "Pees off you peeg." So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to feel your titties." Juanita says "Pees off you peeg. So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out. So Juanita storms up...

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A backpacker finds a tiny village tucked away in the mountains with one tiny pub

He walks into the pub and there are all these old men just sitting around in silence. So the backpacker orders a beer and finds himself a seat. Suddenly one of the men shouts, "Number 4!" and the whole room erupts with laughter. The backpacker is surprised by this but then the laughter dies down and he goes back to sipping his pint. Then another one of them shouts, "Number 21!" and once again everybody has a good laugh. The backpacker turns to someone and asks what's going on. "Ah you see we're a bit isolated out here", the man says. "We all know...

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What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute washes her crack and sells it again...

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So i asked a ouija board for the name of my future wife

Wtf kinda name is hahaha...

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TIL Albert Einstein really existed

I thought he was a theoretical physicist....

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God Of Thunder

Awakening the morning after an orgy, the god of thunder was stretching sleepily when he noticed a beautiful Valkyrie standing in the doorway. “Good morning,” he said. “I’m Thor”. She replied “ You’re Thor? I’m tho thor I can hardly pith.”...

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"Dad what is the difference between realistically and hypothetically speaking?"

-Well son, go and ask your mom and sister if they would have sex with a stranger for 1 million dollars -But why dad, how is this going to answer my question? - Just do it! After a few minutes the son returns to his dad.. -Hey dad,both said they would accept the 1 million dollars offer for sex -Therefore son, hypothetically speaking we could have 2 million dollars, but realistically speaking we only have two hookers in the house....

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Three sisters die in a car crash.

Three sister die in a car crash. All three sisters make it up to heaven where they are greeted by God himself. God opens the pearly gates to reveal ducks everywhere God says “Welcome to heaven, there is only one rule here. The only thing you can not do is step on any of the ducks so you must always watch your step.” The sisters are very cautious throughout their first days there, however the oldest sister accidentally steps on a duck. God then came waking up with this ugly man and handcuffed the man to the oldest sister. God said “As a punishment...

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How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages. So she explains, slowly and patiently: "You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep cooking, moving them around in the pan and turning them over regularly so they all cook evenly." The little girl listens, pays attention, and watches closely as her mommy shows her how it's done. But this little girl is clever. And she asks questions: "Mommy, why do you cut off...

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Nurse in a care home walked past one of the bedrooms She sees an elderly lady sucking on her husbands penis.

She came in and said "Mrs Philips, you can't do that." "Why not?" She asked, "I enjoy doing it." "Yes." She replied, "but it was meant to be buried with the rest of him."...

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love. On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leaned in to Pierre whispering "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre dipped his fingers in the Cabernet Franc they had been enjoying and lightly painted her lips with it. "Pierre, what are you doing?" She asked. "I am Pierre the French Fighter Pilot." He replied. "When I have...

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Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Sid revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Nathan the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser. Nathan thought about this and said that he could arrange for Sid to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Sid readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Nathan got a batch of itching powder and poured a little...

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Jack, a renowned atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith" Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself" He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants...

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For cookery class, our homework was to bake something.

I said I'd bake dog biscuits. No idea how to, but i have a great excuse when i don't hand in my homework....

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ” St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…” St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may...

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It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

Not even remotely. (I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)...

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A rabbit walks in to a cake shop.

He walks up to the counter and asks " Do you have a birthday cake with spinach?" "No I'm sorry we don't" says the store clerk. "Ok" says the rabbit and promptly bounces out of the store. The rabbit comes back a couple of times and asks the same question and gets the same answer so the store owner decides to make a spinach cake for the rabbit assuming his birthday is around the corner. The next day the rabbit comes in and asks: "do you have a birthday cake with spinach?" "Yes we do" replies the store owner. "That must be a really disgusting birthday...

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do NOT use shampoo as lube

It will completely fuck with your car...

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered 6 offender....

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Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.

The three men broke into a conversation. The topic eventually reached the men's jobs, and why they were at the beach. "I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes, so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax and do it naked, that's a win-win." "I'm an accountant," said the second man. "I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same." The first two men turned to the third, sad man. "What do you do?" they asked. "I'm a pickpocket," said the third man. "My doctor...

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price. "Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday." "Yesterday?!" she gasps. "How did they hit it off so quickly?" "Well, he's a handsome man and a wonderful lover, for one. He's a really nice guy, of course. And to top it off," he says, leaning into a whisper, "he's got a 10-inch cock!" She giggles, blushing. "Sounds like...

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A husband and wife who own a circus walk into an adoption agency looking to adopt a child.

"Are you sure the circus is the best place for a child?" asks the social worker. "I mean, all those dangerous animals, the constant traveling..." "The animals are trained," says the wife. "And we have a state-of-the-art 55-foot motorhome equipped with a large nursery." "How will you educate your child?" "We've arranged for a full-time tutor to teach us all the regular subjects, as well as Mandarin and computer programming," explains the husband. "And the nanny is certified in pediatric care, child welfare, and nutrition," the wife adds. The social...

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Little Johnny’s neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you,...

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“Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?” “Well son, your mum really really loves Easter, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter”

“Thanks Dad” “You're welcome Alan”...

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True facts....

****True Facts**** IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden', and thus the word GOLF entered the English language. 3 Each King in a deck of playing cards, represents a great 'King' in history; Spades - King David Hearts, Charlemagne Clubs, Alexander the Great Diamonds, Julius Caesar In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were...

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I took a pole and found out that 100% of people

were angry when the tent fell down....

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4. Principal: What is 3+3? Boy: 6. Principal: 6+6. Boy: 12. The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed. Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2? Boy: Legs. Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have? Boy: Pockets. Madam: What starts with a C and ends with T, is hairy,...

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How much does a rainbow weigh?

Not much, they're actually pretty light....

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Why are women and children evacuated first in disasters?

So the men can think of a solution in silence....

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What weighs more? A gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

Water. Butane is a lighter fluid....

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If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims...

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My friend and I bumped into Arnold Schwarzenegger. As fans we asked a lot of questions and ended up asking if he's going to upgrade to Windows 11...

He said, "I still love Vista, baby!"...

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A man walked into his doctors office, and asked him for 3 viagra pills

A man walked into his doctors office, and asked him for 3 viagra pills. The doctor asked, "Why only 3?" The man said, "Well, Friday my secretary is coming over, Saturday my girlfriend is coming over, and Sunday, my wife is coming home form her vacation". The doctor said, "That's more than I wanted to know, but here's your 3 pills". A week later the doctor saw the man at the gas station, his arm in a cast and sling. "What happened to you? Did the women all find out about one another?" the doctor asked. The man said "No... nobody showed up!"...

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[ NSFW ] Little billy is out back in his yard, playing with his toy airplane when his mother happens to glance out of the open window.

8 year old Billy "flies" his toy airplane around, making engine noises until it, presumably at it's imaginary destination, comes screeching to a halt. " Ladies and gentlemen", says billy, pretending to be the captain. "Everyone getting the hell out should get the hell out. And anyone getting the hell in, should get the hell in." Shocked, his mother yells out the window "Billy!! You get in here this instant. Where did you learn that kind of language?? Your going to sit in the corner and think about what you did." With a "yes ma'am" Billy retires...

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50 they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes, you see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mum, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles, and says, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty...

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My doctor told me to stop masturbating

I ask for how long "At least until I'm done with your exam"...

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A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.” The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear. “For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears. The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again. The teacher thinks for a long time. “As...

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What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint....

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If having sex for money makes you a whore...

Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?...

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A traditional tunisian joke I was told by my grandmother and she heard from hers

The bey(King) was missing his mistress who was living far away. He decided to pay her a visit wearing his more expensive clothes, but out of precaution, he decided to first ask his wazir(minister) of weather whether there would be rain on that day. The wazir paused for 5 minutes, assessing the clouds, counting them, comparing their shapes and colors, and writing down gibberish on an expensive silk paper. At the end, he went to the bey and said: "Sire, there will be no rain this week. If anything, there are risks of drought.". That made the bey...

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What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre...

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What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Phloppe...

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Why is it illegal to do reverse cowgirl on Alabama?

You don’t turn your back on the family...

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What’s green and smells like pork?

Kermits fingers....

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A grandfather and grandson are taking a walk around the yard after a rainstorm.

Seeing worms all over the sidewalk the grandfather decided to play a little prank on his grandson. "Billy," he says "I'll give you ten dollars if you can take one of those worms and put it back in it's hole." Thinking this to be impossible, he watched as Billy played around with a worm for a minute. Suddenly Billy drops the worm and says "I'll be right back" and runs into the house. Billy comes back with a can of hairspray, grabs one of the worms and sprays it down until it's stiff enough to slip right into it's hole. "Well I'll be damn." Says...

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My girlfriend walked into the room and said “Do these jeans make me look fat?”

“do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?” I asked “Yes” she replied “I fucked your sister”...

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McAfee not dead actually..

He is still running in the background....

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What do pussies and Burger King have in common? [NSFW]

It’s generally frowned upon to eat them in the middle of a McDonald’s....

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Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.

One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole. ​ Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers. ​ Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer. ​ "Look," said Mr. Dickson, quite enjoying himself while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little 'zero'. "This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole." ​ "Ahh, right" said the children. . . The next day, Little...

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I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I mean, I still do, but I used to, too....

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I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.....

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!...

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Military is cutting staff (repost most likely)

The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines. All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k. First up was the Army general. He chose to measure between the tips of his middle fingers with his arms spread wide. Second was the Air Force, who chose the top of his head to the soles of his...

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Two blondes were taking a walk through a bush when they came across a set of tracks.

‘I’m sure they’re bear tracks!’, said the first blonde. ‘No, they’re deer tracks’, said the second blonde, confidently. They were still arguing when the train hit them....

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Boss: Can you work this weekend?

Me: Yeah no worries but I'll probably be a bit late as public transport is slow on weekends. Boss: What time will you get here? Me: Monday....

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I named my penis "matters"

So when my girlfriend breaks up with me I can take matters into my own hands....

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What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?

A bird can still tweet....

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A man sees his doctor about terrible headaches he has had for most of his adult life.

The doctor isn’t sure what is going on, so arranges a scan. The scan comes back as normal, so the doctor refers the man to a neurologist who is also unable to find a cause though does offer some advice. “I did meet one man who had similar headaches, the only thing that helped was having his testicles surgically removed...” he explains. Exasperated, the man goes home to his wife. “Well they are really getting you down, you don’t think it might be worth considering?”. After a few weeks the man concedes and goes in to have both testicles removed....

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A mother and her young son were driving in their car when a dildo suddenly flies outta nowhere and hits the windshield, the mother trying to not ruin the child’s innocence says “it was just a bug sweetie, don’t worry”

The kid replies saying “How it even got of the ground with a dick that big amazes me”...

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Each year, a lawyer takes his holidays at an out of the way, country hotel.

With each visit, he continues his affair with the hotel owner’s daughter. On his visit this year he finds out she has given birth to twin boys. “Why on earth didn’t you tell me?” said the astonished lawyer. “You know I would have married you and provided for the babies.” The woman replied, “That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over the options and decided it was far better to have a couple of bastards in the family than a lawyer"....

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot.

They See A Sex Therapist, And He Recommends That They Have A Constant Supply Of Cool Air In The Bedroom, So The Man Asks His Best Friend To Waft A Towel While He And His Wife Make Love. Begrudgingly, The Friend Submits And Says Yes. After 20 Minutes Of Lovemaking, The Woman Is No Closer To Orgasm, So The Friend Wafting The Towel Recommends That They Switch Places. So The Friend Is Now Having Sex With The Woman While The Husband Wafts The Towel. After Two Minutes, The Woman Starts To Tremble And Lets Out An Incredible Cry As She Reaches The Most...

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I finally got the courage to go to a premature ejaculators support group...

When I arrived at the conference room, no one was there. I felt tricked, bamboozled and hurt. Then, out of nowhere a janitor peeks his head in. He tells me the meeting won’t be starting for another hour. Turns out I came too early....

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What’s the difference between a casual dress party, and a pirate having sex?

One, you come as you are, and the other you “arrrrr” as you come....

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A farmer is worried that his sex life with his wife is getting a bit dry (NSFW)

They go to see a therapist, who asks them what they think the problem is. The wife says, "I just don't have time for it, I'm too busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry and everything else. Sex is starting to lose its appeal". The farmer is disheartened to hear this, but listens to the therapist, who tells him, "You need to change things up a bit. You'll just have to do something sexy to attract her." The next morning, the wife is in the house, ironing some clothes, when she hears strange sounds from outside. She runs out of the kitchen and...

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My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back...

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Give a man a cake and he will eat it

Give a reddittor a cake and he will farm the ever lasting shit out of it...

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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the...

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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de brie....

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A little boy asks his mom, “Why do women have balloons on their chest?”

His mom responds, “So when we die we can easily float up to heaven.” “Then aunt sally must really want to go to heaven.” “What do you mean?” “Well, the other day she had her balloons out and daddy was blowing them up and she was saying ‘God, I’m coming.’”...

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What did Mr. T say after throwing five $10 bills off the diving board?

I fitty da pool!...

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The dirtiest joke my Grandma ever told me.

A mother puts her two sons to bed, before they fall asleep. The older brother tells his little brother, "I think it's time we started cussing." The younger brother asks, "Well what are you going to say?" The older brother responds, "I'll say, Hell." The younger brother says, "Okay, I'll say ass." The next morning the mother asks her oldest son, "What do you want for breakfast?" He proudly tells his mother, "Oh, Hell I'll have some Corn Flakes." So, she slaps him, then asks her younger son, "What do you want?" He adamantly responds, You bet your...

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3 reasons Jesus was actually Irish

He went out drinking with his buddies the night before he died. He thought his mother was a virgin. His mother thought he was God. ...

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Would anyone be interested in being my companion?

Asking for a friend...

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My friend asked me who my favorite vampire was.

I said the one from Sesame Street. He told me that he doesn’t count. I said “That’s all he does.”...

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The secret to a long life.

Everyone asked a 100 year-old man for his health secrets: The old man said: “I’ll tell you you a secret. I’ve been married for 75 years. Promised my wife when we got married that when two people quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers. I’ve been walking 5 kilometers everyday for 75 years!” Everyone asked again:”But how come your wife’s very healthy as well?” The old man answered: “I’ll tell you another secret: she’d been following me to make sure I really finish the 5 kilometers!”...

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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the San Diego Zoo for me? I'll give you $200 for your trouble”. "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat...

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Every fifteen seconds someone in London gets stabbed.

Poor guy....

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows...

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A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Sure do," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of...

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I opened a bar for men with erectile dysfunction.

It was a total flop. Nobody came...

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What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter "F"....

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A young comedian was following in his late father's footsteps.

One night, one of his dad's friends caught his show and went back stage after to say hello. "I loved your show, you're doing good for yourself, but you don't look happy. You okay?" "Well," the comedian confessed, "dad gave me a lot of good advice, and I think it's been the key to getting me bigger and better venues, and more success than I thought possible. But...well, it's lonely on the road." "No disrespect to your mom," the friend said, "but your dad did pretty well with the ladies out on the road. Didn't he give you any advice about that?" "Oh...

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I’m not a racist. I treat every race equally

Even the bad ones...

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A woman asked her husband why he was coming up with so many silly dad jokes recently.

He admitted to her that, since they had kids, their sex life had grown a bit stale. Laughing, she grabbed a peach from the kitchen counter and pulled him toward her. Slowly, seductively, she ate it while staring into his eyes, sucking the last of the pulp from the pit. Then, while he stared on in disbelief, she used the pit to masturbate to completion, moaning all the while as she longingly stared at him. When she finished, she gently beckoned him with her finger. He stood over her, slack-jawed, as she leaned back on the counter. "So, what do...

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker. "I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing. Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. "I'm so sorry, my father has been learning English. He won't be making it into work today because he's feeling sick." "Oh! That's perfectly fine, but...what was the part about rubbing...storm balls...?" The kid laughed. "We were working on popular English idioms this...

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What do you call a pig that is cold and growling?

A Ham-Brrr-Grrr. I made this joke when I was 11. I remember being super proud lol....

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[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically,...

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night…

when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door,...

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John gets pulled over on the 405 with his girlfriend in the passenger seat

John: Is there a problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone John: No, I was only going 65 tops John's girlfriend: Oh John, you were going 80 John gives his girlfriend a nasty look Cop: I'm also writing you a ticket for your broken taillight John: Oh crap, I didn't even know that my taillight was broken John's girlfriend: Oh John, you've known about that taillight since we started dating John gave his girlfriend another nasty look Cop: I'm also going to have to cite you for not wearing your seatbelt John: I just unbuckled my...

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I'd been seeing this Nurse for a few days

and we finally got round to nookie... As I stripped off I said to her: "You must have seen a few dicks where you work? how do you rate mine?" She said: "It's just slightly bigger than most I see." I said: "Thanks, what sort of nursing do you do by the way?" "I'm a Midwife." she says!!...

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We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million. 76 million are retired. That leaves 251 million to do the work. There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled. Which leaves 203 million to do the work There are 74 million children younger than 6 Which leaves 129 million to do the work There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school. Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work. At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal...

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A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world"...

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Girlfriends are like boomerangs.

I hope....

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“Hey, remember how we used to finish each other’s sentences when we were younger?”

“Well I’m in prison now and I really need a favour”...

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Father’s Day Presents..

5 year old son.....after reading story of a king..... Son:......Mom, I also want 3 wives.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me....... Mom:....And which one will put you to sleep Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you....Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son Mom:...but who will sleep with your 3 wives Son:....Let them sleep with daddy... Daddy's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son ! Happy Father’s Day!...

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Two parents want to have sex

Their 7 years old son was in the room, so they tell him to go on the balcony to play with his toys After the boy leaves they start having fun, after about 10 minutes the husband says: -We should talk to him while he's on the balcony, i don't want him to feel alone -Yeah, you're right So the wife says in a louder voice: -Honey, what are our neighbours doing? The son replies: -Well, Ms.Miller is moaning the lawn, Mr.Richard is washing his car and Jason's parents are having sex -WHAT?! Honey, how do you know that?? -Because Jason is sitting on the...

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My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her.

I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave. But first I filtered it through my kidneys....

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My grandfather has a heart of a tiger.

He also has a lifetime ban at the zoo....

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A father and son are walking through the dog park when they spot 2 dogs having sex

The son asks "Daddy what are they doing"? After some thought the father thought it was time for the boy to learn about sex. He says to his son "Son, they are making puppies". Later that night the boy had questions and walked into his parents room who thought he was asleep and having sex. The next morning the son asks his dad what his dad and mom were doing. Not wanting to lie to his son he replies "Honestly, we were making babies". After some thought the son replies "Next time flip her over I want a puppy"....

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One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid, Bubba, who he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee.

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"...

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I read about a feudal uprising where a duke's son was killed by rebels.

They used a trebuchet to knock him off the battlements with the only available ordinance: a peasant's decapitated head. It was the first recorded instance of a serf-face-to-heir missile....

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A man is in bed with his wife when there’s a knock at the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back...

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Repost of my favorite joke here: Everyone knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.” Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?” “No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!” Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he...

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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake... He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things’: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a...

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A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.” “If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?” “We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?” “Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last along time, so I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived...

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How do you get down from a camel?

You don't, you get down from a goose....

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What do you call an orgy of gay pilots?

a cockpit...

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I recently flew to Africa to do some charity work.

It was an eye-opening, shocking experience. The poverty, the starvation, the fighting.... the smell, the noise.... I am never flying economy again....

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The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife! He said, "Why? Is she super-hot too? I said, "No, she's an optometrist!"...

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Arguing with your wife…

is like reading a software licensing agreement. In the end you just ignore everything and click “I agree”....

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

​ They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your...

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Unexpectedly, an artist's wife starts having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride. One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?" "Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?" "What you think our baby will look like." He stared back at her, eyes wide. Then, sighing heavily, he grabbed a pencil and pad, quickly sketched out a picture, and pushed it toward her. "What the hell is this?" she laughed, surveying the page. It was just a stick figure firing a gun at another stick figure, smiling, with no wounds showing on...

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My BDSM community took me to court for not being hardcore enough.

I got off with just a slap on the wrist....

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Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, She invented the starting pistol....

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The Bible and the Quran tell us to love each other

The Kamasutra is more specific....

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One big difference between men and women is that

When Women Say "Smell This", It Usually Smells Nice....

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Success is like being pregnant.

Everyone says congratulations, but nobody knows how many times you got fucked....

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Why does the little mermaid wear seashells?

Because she’s too big for B shells...

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Siri, why am I so bad with women?

'This is Alexa''...

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After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for” Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim. DONE! You are the owner of one of the most luxurious estates in the world with the greatest staff who you will get on with wonderfully, to be sure..... and your ex is in possession of two such mansions, one for summer and one for winter Ok, well if I’m to be smart about this there will be house...

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I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numbers

IM LIVID...

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Dog sends a Telegram

A German Shepherd went to the telegram office, took out a blank form, and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."...

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As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

“School” is my answer...

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On the sixth day, when God created man, he hesitated, and asked the rooster, "How many penises should I give man?"

The rooster replied, "a cock a dude'll do."...

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex.

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!” ​ Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over...

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What happens when you touch Dwayne Johnson’s Butt?-

You hit rock bottom....

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Used Vacuum cleaner for sale.

I don't need it anymore. All it does is collect dust....

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A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive.

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring. It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay. “It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor. “Look, I was having a gin and tonic while waiting. Do you want one to help you relax?” “I accept, thanks!” She answers. He gives her a drink, sits down in front of her and they start talking. Suddenly someone is heard opening the entrance office door. The doctor looks worried, gets up and says: “My...

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My boyfriend has dandruff.

"My boyfriend has dandruff. What's the best way to remove it?" I texted my mother. She replied, "Just give him Head & Shoulders." 20 minutes later. I texted my mother back, "Okay. Now how do I give the shoulders?"...

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My girlfriend asked me to tell her all my previous girlfriends, chronologically. From beginning to end.

OK. I probably should have finished when I got to her name....

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“Cop on horse says to little girl on bike…

‘Did Santa get you that?’ ‘Yes,’ replies the little girl. ‘Well, tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!’ and fines her $5.00. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, ‘Nice horse you've got there — did Santa bring you that?’ The cop chuckles and replies, ‘He sure did!’ ‘Well,’ says the little girl, ‘Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!’”...

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What is Karen called in Europe?

An American...

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An admiral is touring a submarine

The Captain is with him, showing him the functions and rooms of the submarine. Near the end of the tour when they’re in the operations room, the admiral notices a monitor with “Up 0, Down 0” displayed on it. Perplexed, he asks the captain “What is this monitor’s function?” “Oh, that’s the tally box. Sometimes when we have nothing going on, I’ll gather the crew and ask them if they’d like to go up to the surface or down to the depths to explore.” The admiral is amused and says “I bet they often ask to go the surface.” The Captain nods and replies...

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NSFW. I walked in on my wife having sex with my best friend.

So I did what any husband would do. Took a rolled up newspaper and smacked him on the nose saying, "Bad dog! Very Bad dog!"...

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I went on a date with a blond women last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."...

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A Catholic priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed. “Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins"

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.” “Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner.Nothing serious, just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins.” “But Father,” continues the man, “It doesn’t end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well… the two of us alone,...

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A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake. "Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said. So the father visited a ton of different bakeries and did research, but found the prices to be too high. My daughter is inviting all of her friends, and I'll look bad if I don't put together a good cake, he thought. Then, he stumbled upon a shop that opened once a year to provide free cake to its customers. How quaint,...

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I've recently became a father, so for the past few weeks I thought I'd try my hand at telling dad jokes.

He says I should go home and support my wife....

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Communist jokes aren't funny

Unless everyone gets them. My favorite joke for my cake day...

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An 80 year old man finds a talking frog

An 80 year old man is out by a pond one day when a frog jumps onto a lily pad nearby. “Excuse me sir,” says the frog, “I know I may appear to be just a frog, but I’m actually a beautiful princess. A witch has placed a curse on me to keep me in this form. The only thing that can break this curse is a kiss. Sir, if you kiss me and break this curse, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and I’ll make love to you all day and night. So what do you say?” The 80 year old man thinks for moment then picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket and continues...

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An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the benevolent sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes. As they were preparing for their punishment, the...

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A man is at a doctor's office about to have his prostate checked.

The doctor says "Okay, Steve, let's not get an erection again during the procedure." The man looks at the doctor confused, and says "My name isn't Steve, it's Dave." The doctor says "I know. I'm Steve."...

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Did you know that every zodiac sign has different hair?

Well, besides cancer....

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I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today...

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent...

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"Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?"

"No son, have you seen my dad glasses?"...

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I was having dinner at my boss's house.

His wife said "How many potatoes would you like?" I said "Just one please." She said "Oh come on, don't be so polite!" I said "Ok. Just one, you ugly cow."...

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Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty." Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing. "Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!" Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He...

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A TV reporter got lost on the back roads and stopped at a farm to get directions. As he was talking to the farmer he noticed a pig with a wooden leg…

“This could be a great story for the Six O’Clock News. How did that pig lose his leg?” he asked the farmer. “Well”, said the farmer, “that’s a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn, and that pig squealed so loud and long that he woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn. Saved them all. ”“And that was when he hurt his leg?” asked the journalist anxious for a story. “Nope, he pulled through that just fine.” said the farmer. “Though a while later, I was...

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why do orphans go to church

so they can call someone father...

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The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is always just a whim away

Aweem away...

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My therapist told me I am quite self aware.

I already knew that....

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I took my daughter to my office for, "Bring your kid to work day". BIG MISTAKE!

After meeting everyone she started getting cranky and began to cry. As everyone gathered around to try to console her, she looked at me and in a loud voice complained, "Where are all the clowns you tell me & mommy you work with everyday?"...

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Why can't you starve in the desert?

Because of all the sand which is there....

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What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope....

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Anybody caught breaking rule will be fined....

The first day of university and Dean addressing the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?” At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: “How much for a season ticket?”...

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I'm a bartender

Guy: One Mojito please Me: Sure Guy: Can you make it virgin? Me (Holding back tears): Yes... yes I can...

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Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

He conditioned it....

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A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.

He puts a frog on the table in front of him. A woman at the other end of the bar watches as the man just sits there drinking while the frog watches him. Curiosity finally gets the better of her, so she walks up to the man and asks, "What's with the frog?" The man looks at the woman and says, "This is my pet frog. He's very special." "Why?" asked the woman. "Well, I've taught this frog how to pleasure women orally." The woman laughs, but the man is serious. After more drinks the woman agrees to let the man prove it. So they go out back to the man's...

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Why shouldn't cows smoke weed?

Because the steaks would be too high...

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You know the best thing about pirates orgies?

You can come as you are, and you can arrr as you cum....

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k. First up was the Army general. He chose to measure between the tips of his middle fingers with his arms spread wide. Second was the Air Force, who chose the top of his head to the soles of his feet. Then came the Marine General. "I want you to measure from the tip of my dick to my balls." The men running the measuring...

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You have to be born in the 1940's and been a teenager in 1957 in order to get this joke

Its 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date. Peggy Sue's Father invites him in. He asks Bob what they plan on doing. Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in. Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Bob is shocked. "Excuse me Sir?" "Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'd screw all night if we let her." Just then, Peggy Sue comes down stairs and announces she is ready to go. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue...

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