Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle...
Thứ Ba, 31 tháng 8, 2021
Sperm count
An 65 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this... first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried...
So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."
"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her,...
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news..
She walks into the telegraph...
A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.
He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.
The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the theater”.
So, he’s is sitting in his truck, stroking his duck, trying to think, and has an idea!
He hides his duck down the bib of his overalls and goes and buys a ticket and sits down next to these two town girls with his duck hidden in his pants, and starts...
I know a bit early but .....,
A Little Christmas Story
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys...
A school bus full of Catholic girls get in a terrible accident
Nobody survives. All the girls find themselves standing in line at The Pearly Gates. At the front of the line is the angel Gabriel, next to him is a bowl of holy water.
He asks the first girl, "Lucy, have you ever touched a penis before?" Lucy responds, "Well... just once. Billy showed me his, and I touched it with my finger." Gabriel shakes his head sternly, and tells Lucy to dip her finger in the bowl of holy water. After she does, Gabriel opens The Pearly Gates and allows Lucy to pass.
Next in line is Jennifer. Gabriel asks her if she's ever...
I spiced up our sex-life with some flavoured condoms....
My missus said, "Wow! This one tastes just like cheese and onion". I said, "I haven't put it on yet"...
Reposts...
r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it....
So a penis walks into a bar,
So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this creature possess? Can it think? Feel? Love? Hate? What are the inner workings of this nightmarish oddity, and, more importantly, where did it come from? This is the scariest moment of my life, and I will be forever haunted by the deep psychological trauma...
John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.
His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?"
"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."
"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.
"There is no way she could believe you were 40". John shakes his head again.
"So how old did you tell her you were exactly??"
John smiles and says "85"....
The Bears were looking for a new quarterback.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade...
Me and my wife recently started using Only Fans.
Because our air conditioner broke.
And this will definitely help pay for a new air conditioner....
The animals hear that the world is going to end
So, the Lion, as their king, calls an official meeting of all animals.
“We have only 10 days until everything as we know it is destroyed. Nothing matters anymore. Let’s just all have sex with each other and go out with a bang.”
The antelope flicks and ear to ask a question: “What about cross-breeding between species?”
The Lion roars: “I just said we’re all going to die in 10 days. Cross-breeding between species is none of our problem anymore.”
So, the animals start fucking like never before.
In a clearing, a few days later, the elephant comes...
Thứ Hai, 30 tháng 8, 2021
Jesus on the cross
It's the day of Jesus' crucifixion, and Peter is consoling Mary at the bottom of the hill in Golgotha. Suddenly, Peter hears Jesus calling to him, summoning him up the hill.
Frantically, Peter sets off to make his way to his Savior. Unwillingly, he is stopped by two guards. Again, Jesus calls to Peter, and again, Peter attempts to answer, but the guards bring him to a hault. Peter weeps in remorse.
One last time, Jesus moans for Peter's appearance. Determined not to fail his Grace, Peter shoves past the standing guards and triumphantly stands...
A Fleeing Taliban, desperate for water,
was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5." The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want...
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in....
A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan
That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.
As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.
The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men being led into the mosque by a religious figure.
As the prayer finishes, the religious figure drops to his knees and swings his fist into the balls of each naked man, flooring them all as they cry in agony! The...
A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.
While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock. “What’s that there for?” he asks. Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.” “Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”
“Where is Donald Trump’s clock?” asks the man. Jesus answers: “It’s in my office, I’m using it as a ceiling fan.” ...
Golf Player and Saudi Prince
A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.
"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."
The golfer glances at his golf bag.
"Some new golf clubs would be nice," he says.
Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up.
"We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but...
My brother was murdered today
cop: do you mind identifying the body [puts hand on my shoulder] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.
me: [tearing up] yes that's my brother Reese.
cop: you're sure?
me: [nodding] those are Reese's Pieces....
Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
Three Rednecks were working on a Cell Phone pole: Cooter, Pete and KC. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife." KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"
"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave...
A married couple are having sex
A married couple are being intimate in the bedroom, when suddenly the wife groans in pain and looks up at her husband.
"Honey... take off your ring before you finger me." She says.
He gives her a confused look and replies, "That's not my ring, that's my watch."...
Two aliens are flying near earth~
The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."
The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."...
Chủ Nhật, 29 tháng 8, 2021
Farmer John and his wife and three sons were living on a small farm in the middle of the Great Depression. (Long)
Their only source of income and solace was their old cow, Mary, who gave them milk, baby cows, company. She was the main family supporter. One day John wakes up and sees her all over the field. Like someone stuck a grenade in her food and she exploded. Grief-stricken, he hang himself on the nearest tree. His wife wakes up, looks at the field, at the cow remains and her husband on the tree and hangs herself next to him. The oldest son wakes up, sees the cow dead, mom and dad dead, he walks to the local stream to drown himself.
And lo and behold,...
Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.
Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What...
The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who...
Camel in the Camp
There was a major that got newly stationed in a base in the middle east. As he inspecting the base, he saw a camel tied to a post. Confused, he calls the nearest private.
"Private Doe!" "Sir! Yes, sir?" "What is this camel doing here at our base?" Asks the Major "Sir, the camel is here sir for when the urges of the troops need to be fulfilled sir!"
Understanding the situation, the Major told him to carry on. . . . Months have passed with no woman in sight. The Major was having urges that he couldn't control anymore. So one day, he calls the private.
"Private...
An old man sits next to a young punk on a bench in the park (NSFW)
The punk has a mohawk 16 inches high and all different colors and the punk can just feel the old man staring at his hair. After a few minutes, the staring gets too much and the punk turns to the old man and says:
"What's the matter old man? Never did anything crazy before?"
The old man replies:
"Well I fucked a peacock once, just wondering if you're my kid"
(I haven't seen this here but I started a month ago so I hope this isn't a repost. My take on an old joke that was told to me when I was a teenage punk, so no idea how well known it is)...
A man with a tendency to over-explain things lays on his therapist's couch.
The therapist says “I have a new exercise for you today. Instead of spending an hour talking about your day, try to tell me the essentials of what happened in one breath.”
The patient agrees and takes a deep breath
“So they cast Callie Hernandez as Supergirl and I’m not sure if it was the best decision. Also, that movie is heavily featuring product placements from Burt’s Bees new ‘Fragile’ brand lip-balm. On top of that, I expect that my favorite Mexican food place, Alido's, is part of a crime ring and paying hush money to a mafia boss I saw there...
Religion is like a vagina.
Many people like being in one. It can feel warm and welcoming.
But you shouldn't pull someone into yours without their consent....
A blind guy walks into a primarily female bar
During a break in the music, he loudly says "hey, y'all wanna hear a blond joke?" Being blind, he doesn't realize how many blond women are in the bar. The bartender walks up to him and tells him "alright man, I know you're blind and new around here, so let me offer you some advice. I am 6'5 and blond. I wrestled in college and I work out everyday. The girl to your left is blond, and she's an MMA fighter who paralyzed an opponent last year by accident . The girl on your right is blond, and she's a boxer. The girl at the table behind you is blond,...
Can your dick touch your ass?
A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.
His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”
The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the boy can’t have any then.
A few days later the son walks in on his father with a big bag of marshmallows, and boy does the kid love marshmallows! So he asks his dad if he could please have some, they’re his favorite after all, and his dad replies with the same response...
Thứ Bảy, 28 tháng 8, 2021
There is a new female organ player at a small church...
She is a beautiful woman, but there is a problem: her ample bosom is causing an issue with the men in the church. While playing the organ, her breasts bounce and sway. Men in the church are getting distracted and many get in trouble with their wives for gazing longingly at her.
An old woman comes up to the young lady and explains the situation. Heartbroken, the beautiful woman asks if anything can be done to remedy the situation. The old lady smiles and tells her to go to the store and buy some lemons. "Rub one lemon half on each breast every...
Religion is like a penis.
It’s fine to have one. It’s fine to be proud of it. But please don’t whip it out in public and start waving it around....
An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.
It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."
The Pakistani's look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! After all, Pakistani's and Indians are brothers! Are we not?"
The Indian is delighted at how warm and friendly they are and he takes his seat. Shortly the plane takes off and the three guys are just chilling until the Indian says, "You know its going to be...
I just bought a racehorse.
I called it My Face and now I'm watching all the women in the crowd, who had a bet on it, as they scream "Come on my face"....
Son of a…
A birch tree and a beech tree stood next to each other in the woods. They were tall old trees, and usually got on quite well.
One day they noticed a little sapling between them, far below. The birch noticed first and said “Hey beech! Check out that little son of a birch down there!”
The beech tree retorts, “That isn’t a son of a birch. That is clearly a son of a beech!”
They argue for some time until a small woodpecker lands nearby. The trees see this as a chance to settle their argument.
“Hey woodpecker,” asks the beech, “You must be somewhat...
Thứ Sáu, 27 tháng 8, 2021
I have two arms for my self defence and they work everytime.
Dont know who they actually belongs to but it freaks out the opponent whenever i take them out....
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".
"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".
"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting"....
Friends, please put on a mask. It saves lives.
Yesterday a friend of mine went out with his girlfriend and on the way he passed by his wife, but she did not recognize him. The mask really saved his life....
A guy with no arms walks into a bathroom….
So there’s a guy washing his hands and the guy with no arms says “hey man I’m a lil embarrassed, do you think you could help me out.” So he says sure, unzips the guys pants for him pulls his wiener out for him and it’s just the grossest most disgusting thing he’s ever seen, it’s all red and has open sores on it. So the guy with no arms finishes pissing and the other guy zips him up and he says “hey buddy, I don’t mean to be rude or anything but what’s wrong with your dick?” The guy with no arms pulls his arms outta his shirt and says “fuck if...
Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s
One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.
On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but the husband looks a little bit annoyed.
In the afternoon, they go back to God and ask where they can get high factor sunscreen. "This is heaven, you don't need it anymore, the sun can't burn you or give you cancer, enjoy the beaches." The wife is satisfied,...
(NSFW) A naked woman gets into a taxi
A naked woman gets into a taxi and the driver can’t stop staring at her. she asks him “what’s the matter? you never seen a woman without her clothing?” he replies “that’s not the issue ma’am; what i’m worried about is where the money to pay me is....
How much do you weigh, dad?
Dad: 80 kg. with my glasses on. Child: How much do you weigh without your glasses? Dad: I don't know. I can't see....
Thứ Năm, 26 tháng 8, 2021
I'm fine..
A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor? Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got...
A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.
"Helen," he said, "we've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world. We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."
His wife solemnly replied "I remember, dear."
"Helen," he continued, "when our son was killed in that terrible car accident, I was heartbroken. I didn't think I could go on, but you were by my side."
His wife began to softly cry, "I know, dear."
"And now," the man went on, "I'm about to leave this world. In my final moments, where are...
The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)
A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in most cases they actually increased substantially in value. Joe decides to take the dealers advice and chooses the older model bike. Just as Joe finishes signing the paperwork, the dealer warns joe that these bikes are prone to rust and in order to for...
When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.” Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
I was so traumatized I couldn’t sleep properly for days.
I saw few psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent...
A PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel
An OPTIMIST sees light at the end of the tunnel
A REALIST sees a freight train
The TRAIN driver sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks...
Farmer Greg
A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.
So he decided to grow the state’s largest watermelon. It took him 3 years but he finally did it. Greg went to the state fair, won an award and cash prize, but when he came back home nobody in his town cared.
A month later, he decided to grow the world’s largest carrot. This time it took him only...
A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....
They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.
Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the largest penis.”
No one argued with Gerald as everyone at the table had seen (or felt) his penis and it was massive. It didn’t matter what room he was in. He probably had the largest penis in it.
Craig, a 26 year old DJ, casually said, “Well I have massive fists.”
Everyone...
A tourist decides to visit a Native American Chief who is famous for his perfect memory.
"Okay, Chief..." says the tourist,
"Let's test that memory of yours. What did you eat for breakfast on May 9th, 1972?"
The Chief thinks for a moment, and responds "Eggs."
The tourist replies, "Wow, that's incredible! You really do have a perfect memory." and leaves.
Ten years later the tourist finds himself in the Chief's neck of the woods and decides to pay him a visit.
He enters the Chief's home and respectfully greets him, saying "Hau, Chief."
The Chief promptly replies, "Scrambled."...
A man finds a magic lamp
He rubs it and a genie appears, "you have 3 wishes master", "ok I want a million dollars!", the genie nods "done" , "I want a big mansion!", the genie nods "done", the man looks embarrassed and whispers the last wish in the genies ear which he replies "done". The man goes to his mansion when there's a knock at the door, he opens it and there's the kkk stood outside, "What the hell are you doing here?" The man shouts, "we're your third wish" the klansman says "to be hung like a black guy"....
A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced......
A man goes to see a psychologist
He sits down, and the doctor pulls out some cards with some abstract inky blots on them. "I'm going to give you a a Rorschach test, please tell me what you see."
He holds up the first one. The man says "a naked lady"
The doc holds up another one. The man says "a naked lady with a dick"
The doctor holds up a third and the man says "two men fucking each other in the butt".
The doctor then exclaims " my God, your mind is filthy!"
The man replies "My mind? You're the one showing me all these dirty pictures!"...
Thứ Tư, 25 tháng 8, 2021
A woman goes to the doctor..
And she asks him: "Doctor, I always wanted to have bigger boobs, but I'm so afraid of surgeries. Isn't there any other option?"
The doctor remains silent for a moment, observes her from top to bottom, and replies: "Well, I think I might have something that can help you out."
"Amazing doc, what is it?" The woman replies.
"So, you take a bit of toilet paper, and every morning you rub it between your boobs for about a minute"
The woman looks surprised and asks him how that would ever work.
The doctor says: "I honestly don't have a clue but it seemed...
A White Missionary in an African Tribe
A white missionary was visiting an African tribe. After a year of sharing the same village, the chieftain's wife gave birth...to a white baby.
The chieftain was enraged and called for the preacher's death. The missionary attempted to calm the chief, asking him to take a walk with him through the village to cool his head and talk about the situation.
As the men walked, they passed by a field full of sheep. All the sheep in the field were white save one, a little black sheep. "See?" the pastor said, pointing to the animals: "these types of things...
Fifteen Bucks
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, ''If you don't...
A Chinese man and a Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a plane.
Suddenly, the Jewish man slaps the Chinese man across the face.
"What was that for?" asks the Chinese man..
"For Pearl Harbor" says the Jewish man.
"That was Japanese. I'm Chinese," the Chinese man says.
"Chinese, Japanese" what's the difference?
Few minutes later, the Chinese man slaps the Jewish man.
"What was that for?" asks the Jew.
"It's for the Titanic."
"The Titanic? That was an iceberg..."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?" says the Chinese man....
Thứ Ba, 24 tháng 8, 2021
A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the...
Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other.
"Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"...
A mother asked her son to lose their cat somewhere in the jungle.
The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.
Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!
Mother: How were you able to come back home?
Son: I followed the cat....
A few hours ago I dropped a piece of ice
It slid under the refrigerator. I was really upset at first but now it's water under the fridge....
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for bottom deodorant.
The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have never sold bottom deodorant. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.
The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don't stock or sell such an item, smiles at the blonde and says, "One moment please, I will get the Pharmacist." The pharmacist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?" "I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says...
It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland
As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill -
"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"
The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.
There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and they then hear the same voice -
"One Finnish soldier is better than a hundred of yours!"
Annoyed, the Soviet general sends hundred men to capture the hill. There is gunfire and bombs going for ten minutes, and everything goes silent again. Suddenly, the same voice yells out...
Thứ Hai, 23 tháng 8, 2021
An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow....
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye...
Cheating for "Good" Reasons
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good...
A shipwrecked man washes up onto a deserted beach.
He meets a couple that's also stranded there. He and the wife immediately lock eyes and feel the chemistry for some genital bonding.
The Husband tells the Stranger: "hey man, see that tall coconut tree over there? We take turns all day climbing it to the top and seeing if any ships are approaching that could rescue us"
The Stranger replies: "Say no more friend. I'll take first watch!" and he swiftly climbs up the tree.
After a few minutes up top he shouts out: "hey guys! come on! Stop fucking down there! I can see you!"
The married couple, puzzled,...
My friend was mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.
I can't tell if it was because the rest of his family was there, or because they were still on her.
It sure made the rest of the funeral awkward....
Chủ Nhật, 22 tháng 8, 2021
Having gay parents must be horrible
Either you get twice the amount of dad jokes or get stuck in the infinite loop of 'ask your mom'...
Whenever my wife is upset
Whenever my Wife is upset, I let her color in my black and white tattoos.
Sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.....
I walk into a bar
Me: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: OK, I’ll have a Coke.
Bartender: Three dollars.
Me: There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase....
I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.
Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.
I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.
I just realized that I am an idiot....
Statistics
Statistically:
- 5 people out of 6 are satisfied with the result of Russian roulette
- 0 out of 6 people complain about the result...
An engineer dies and goes to hell
An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks....
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the sidewalk, and stopped inches away from a lady with a baby stroller. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Hey, don't ever do that again. You scared the crap out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "I'm sorry. It's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."...
Thứ Bảy, 21 tháng 8, 2021
A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"
"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he...
Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...
Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."
Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."...
Person 1 says: I like Eminem
Person 2 says: Well, I prefer Skittles. Person 1 says: No- I meant the rapper. Person 2 says, confused: Why would you eat the wrapper?...
There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…
Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sure thing, Mouse!” Their usual routine before the small talk.
One Friday, Mouse hops onto his stool, sips his first beer and looks sideways down the bar. There, at the very end, is this really cute Giraffe. She sees Mouse, looks away a second, then looks...
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time, and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there’s a better one. At McDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink!”
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, “Yeah, that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you...
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your whole day,
Anal sex makes your hole weak.
Edit: added “whole” Props to a fellow redditor for correction. u/rex-natchez!...
Not all construction work is equally enjoyable.
For instance, drilling a large hole is boring, but fastening two pieces of metal together is riveting....
A man walks into an Indian restaurant.
The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”
The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”
The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.
The man squints at the paper and reads the single sentence, “We have naan at this restaurant.” The man looked up, puzzled, and asked why he needed to sign this worthless statement.
The waiter replied, impatiently, “Just sign the naan disclosure agreement and we can move on.”...
Thứ Sáu, 20 tháng 8, 2021
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.
They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”...
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends
Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.
The brunette says with a devilish grin, "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us." She grabs her daughter's purse, rifles through it for a moment, and pulls out a lighter. "Wow," she says. "Looks like my Beth has been smoking cigarettes behind my back."
Her curiosity piqued, the redhead pulls her daughter's purse onto her lap, digs through the items...
A new dating website has been taking Alabama by storm...
It's pretty uncommon in other places, so you may have heard of it. It's called OnlyFams....
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady...
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady, and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never reaches orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
“Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.”
They go home and follow the rabbi’s advice....
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of...
Five surgeons were talking about the best patients...
First surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered." Second surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." Third surgeon responds, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded!" Fourth surgeon intercedes," I prefer lawyers.They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable." To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says, "I like engineers....
Thứ Năm, 19 tháng 8, 2021
Daughters vibrator.
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he...
Two men are robbing a liquor store…
One says, ‘Is this whisky?’
‘Yes’, the other replies, ‘but not as whisky was wobbing a bank’...
4 tips for guys for successful relationships
It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.
It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.
It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickness and in health.
It’s absolutely fucking vital that these three women do not know each other....
During a church service,
the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”
There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.
“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce...
As an American looking at the situation in Afghanistan
It's good to see that, even decades later, the freedom fighters we trained can still drive out a superpower....
We now have the technology to build a new penis.
Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man, Max, groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."
The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You...
Thứ Tư, 18 tháng 8, 2021
Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife
Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then,...
A teacher was reminding her students of their final exam the day after and said
''I won't be accepting any bullcrap excuses for you not being here tomorrow unless nuclear war breaks out, you have a very serious personal injury or there's a death in your immediate family if your not here then you fail the whole year''
The smart ass kid Johnny at the back of the room raises his hand ''What if I come in but I'm suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion? how could I do the test then?''
There were sniggers and laughs from the class until the teacher said ''well in that scenario Johnny, you'll just have to write with...
The Queen takes the visiting Pope for a ride in a horse carriage through London.
Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly.
“Oh my goodness, I am so terribly sorry!” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.
“Oh don't worry about it" the Pope replied "If you hadn't said anything, I'd have just thought it was one of the horses!"...
An innocent joke to cheer you up...
Lulu, a little girl asks her mum, "Mum, can I take Daisy (a dog) for a walk around the block?"
Mum replies "No, because she is in heat."
"What does that mean?" asked Lulu.
"Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
Lulu goes out to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Daisy for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you."
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent.
"Ok, you can go now, but keep her on the leash and only go one...
A man in the locker room of an upscale gym in NYC answers a cell phone and puts it on speaker while he dresses
Everyone else in the room stops to listen. Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to...
I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “$1 for a dirty joke”
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: “Look there, you can see a Rooster right? How many legs does it have?"
Me: “Two?”
Homeless man: “Correct, now how many wings does this Rooster have?”
Me: “Two?”
Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this Rooster have?”
Me: “Two?”
Homeless man: “Correct again! Now look over there, you see a Cat right?
Me: “Yes, I see a cat”
Homeless man: “how many hairs on that cat’s whiskers?”
Me: “I don't know?”
Homeless man: “Bro, why you know so much about cock and know nothing...
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...
They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"...
Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
"Why"? Putin asks
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff, remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"...
Thứ Ba, 17 tháng 8, 2021
An atheist goes to heaven
Baffled and full of questions he is being shown around by God.
"Why am I here? I am an atheist."
"That does not matter, all good people end up here."
As they pass by a gay couple kissing the atheist wonders
"Isn't that a sin?"
"That does not matter, all good people end up here."
They come by a Buddhist Monk, silently meditating.
"Wait, so you even take in people who believe in other religions?
"That does not matter, all good people end up here."
Surprised, but intrigued the atheist looks around - when one last question comes to his mind
"But where...
A flat earther dies and goes to heaven.
At the gates of heaven, St. Peter says to them, "Before you enter the gates of heaven, you may ask god one question."
The flat earther asks, "God, is the earth flat?"
God responds, "The earth is 100% a globe."
The flat earther exclaims, "Holy crap! This conspiracy runs deeper than I thought!"...
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As the husband was walking to the door, the wife yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
Husband turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"...
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.
I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?”
Well don’t you know, she loved my suggestion!
It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5....
So a man was sued for libel and slander...
The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"
The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."
The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"
The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, your honor."
The judge looked at his papers, "So, counsel, apparently, there were thirty witnesses to the alleged statement, are you sure you're going to plead not guilty?"
The defendant's attorney nodded, "Truth is an absolute defense, your honor. We would like to call...
A Man And A Woman Get Into An Argument About Infidelity
The man is suspicious of his wife so he starts interrogating her asking her question after question.
The wife answers every question truthfully and even calls her friends or coworkers so that they can confirm too.
But this wasn't enough for her husband so he keeps on arguing and asking her more and more question. The wife gets sick of the horrible jealousy of her husband and thinks of a way to make him happy and end the argument.
She than remembers that getting naked usually gets him distracted and the argument ends really quickly. So the woman...
A biker stops at a young girl who's just about to jump off a bridge. He says to her, "why not give me your last kiss before you jump?"
She quietly accepts and gives him one of the deepest kiss ever.
When she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That is the best kiss I ever had! It would be a real waste of your talent to jump. Why are you committing a suicide?"
She replied, “my parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”...
Thứ Hai, 16 tháng 8, 2021
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole...
What's the difference between racism and Chinese?
Racism has many faces.
Thank you, I'll see myself out now.
(Translated from German but its my favorite dumb joke so I wanted to share)...
It was a dark and rainy night…..
Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.
After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service station.”
The old Chinese man says, “ I am honored to extend my hospitality to you, but be warned, my 22-year-old daughter is staying with me. She is young, impetuous, wild, and she is strictly off-limits. Any man who violates her honor will have the three Chinese...
Two girlfriends talk
So, Stacy, have you tried ... you know ..., the other hole with your boyfriend?
Are you crazy?! We don't want any kids!
...
Chủ Nhật, 15 tháng 8, 2021
Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like...
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