Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle
Thứ Ba, 31 tháng 8, 2021
Sperm count
An 65 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this... first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! - "You asked your neighbour?!!!!
The old man replied - "Yep, none of us could open the jar"
So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."
"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
"Because we've got no teeth", she replied.
"Then why do you buy them?", I asked.
"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news..
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'
A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.
He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.
The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the theater”.
So, he’s is sitting in his truck, stroking his duck, trying to think, and has an idea!
He hides his duck down the bib of his overalls and goes and buys a ticket and sits down next to these two town girls with his duck hidden in his pants, and starts watching the movie.
A few minutes later, one of the townie girls nudges the other, and says, “this guys got his cock out”.
Her friend says “ignore him, you seen one, you’ve seen ’em all”.
The first girl replies, “not like this one, it’s eating my popcorn”.
I know a bit early but .....,
A Little Christmas Story
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot
of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk
all the cider and hidden the liquor...
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the
door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa.
Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would
you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree.
A school bus full of Catholic girls get in a terrible accident
Nobody survives. All the girls find themselves standing in line at The Pearly Gates. At the front of the line is the angel Gabriel, next to him is a bowl of holy water.
He asks the first girl, "Lucy, have you ever touched a penis before?" Lucy responds, "Well... just once. Billy showed me his, and I touched it with my finger." Gabriel shakes his head sternly, and tells Lucy to dip her finger in the bowl of holy water. After she does, Gabriel opens The Pearly Gates and allows Lucy to pass.
Next in line is Jennifer. Gabriel asks her if she's ever touched a penis before. Embarrassed, little Jenny replies, "Umm, there was one time when Bobby asked me to give him a hand job, so I did." Disappointed, Gabriel tells Jenny to wash her hand in the bowl of holy water, and she can pass through.
As this is happening, a big commotion occurs at the back of the line. Judy is frantically pushing her way up to the front. "Judy! What's the hurry?!" Gabriel asks. Judy screams, "I need to drink out of that bowl before Mary gets up here and sticks her ass in it!"
I spiced up our sex-life with some flavoured condoms....
My missus said, "Wow! This one tastes just like cheese and onion". I said, "I haven't put it on yet"
Reposts...
r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it.
So a penis walks into a bar,
So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this creature possess? Can it think? Feel? Love? Hate? What are the inner workings of this nightmarish oddity, and, more importantly, where did it come from? This is the scariest moment of my life, and I will be forever haunted by the deep psychological trauma of encountering a living, breathing, walking penis capable of conscious decision-making.”
John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.
His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?"
"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."
"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.
"There is no way she could believe you were 40". John shakes his head again.
"So how old did you tell her you were exactly??"
John smiles and says "85".
The Bears were looking for a new quarterback.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"
Me and my wife recently started using Only Fans.
Because our air conditioner broke.
And this will definitely help pay for a new air conditioner.
The animals hear that the world is going to end
So, the Lion, as their king, calls an official meeting of all animals.
“We have only 10 days until everything as we know it is destroyed. Nothing matters anymore. Let’s just all have sex with each other and go out with a bang.”
The antelope flicks and ear to ask a question: “What about cross-breeding between species?”
The Lion roars: “I just said we’re all going to die in 10 days. Cross-breeding between species is none of our problem anymore.”
So, the animals start fucking like never before.
In a clearing, a few days later, the elephant comes across the giraffe, and without much talking, they get down and dirty with each other.
At one moment, as the elephant was fucking the giraffe, she bends down her neck and noticed that the elephant is wearing a condom.
“Hey, elephant,” says the giraffe. “Why are you wearing a condom? The lion says everything will end, it doesn’t matter if we cross-breed anymore.”
The elephant continues fucking the giraffe, and just waves her question off with his trunk: “Oh don’t worry about it. It’s actually not a condom. It’s just the snake, giving me a blowjob.”
Thứ Hai, 30 tháng 8, 2021
Jesus on the cross
It's the day of Jesus' crucifixion, and Peter is consoling Mary at the bottom of the hill in Golgotha. Suddenly, Peter hears Jesus calling to him, summoning him up the hill.
Frantically, Peter sets off to make his way to his Savior. Unwillingly, he is stopped by two guards. Again, Jesus calls to Peter, and again, Peter attempts to answer, but the guards bring him to a hault. Peter weeps in remorse.
One last time, Jesus moans for Peter's appearance. Determined not to fail his Grace, Peter shoves past the standing guards and triumphantly stands at the bleeding feet of his King.
"My Lord, anything for you. What is it, my King?"
"Peter," Jesus painstakingly replies.
"Yes, what is it you must tell me?" Peter anxiously asks.
"Peter, I, I, I can see your house from up here."
A Fleeing Taliban, desperate for water,
was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5." The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!" "OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah." Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped: "They won't let me in without a fucking tie!”
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan
That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.
As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.
The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men being led into the mosque by a religious figure.
As the prayer finishes, the religious figure drops to his knees and swings his fist into the balls of each naked man, flooring them all as they cry in agony! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque.
Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what was going on...
"These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan." He says, "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home."
The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments.
After 6 long months of no proper bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement finally arrives.
"Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?" asks the replacement. "And what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?"
"Well, I'll be honest with you", replies the marine, "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line."
A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.
While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock. “What’s that there for?” he asks. Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.” “Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”
“Where is Donald Trump’s clock?” asks the man. Jesus answers: “It’s in my office, I’m using it as a ceiling fan.”
Golf Player and Saudi Prince
A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.
"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward."
The golfer glances at his golf bag.
"Some new golf clubs would be nice," he says.
Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up.
"We've got your golf clubs," she says, "but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools."
My brother was murdered today
cop: do you mind identifying the body [puts hand on my shoulder] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.
me: [tearing up] yes that's my brother Reese.
cop: you're sure?
me: [nodding] those are Reese's Pieces.
Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
Three Rednecks were working on a Cell Phone pole: Cooter, Pete and KC. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife." KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"
"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Cooter's widow."
She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."
Then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
A married couple are having sex
A married couple are being intimate in the bedroom, when suddenly the wife groans in pain and looks up at her husband.
"Honey... take off your ring before you finger me." She says.
He gives her a confused look and replies, "That's not my ring, that's my watch."
Two aliens are flying near earth~
The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."
The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."
Chủ Nhật, 29 tháng 8, 2021
Farmer John and his wife and three sons were living on a small farm in the middle of the Great Depression. (Long)
Their only source of income and solace was their old cow, Mary, who gave them milk, baby cows, company. She was the main family supporter. One day John wakes up and sees her all over the field. Like someone stuck a grenade in her food and she exploded. Grief-stricken, he hang himself on the nearest tree. His wife wakes up, looks at the field, at the cow remains and her husband on the tree and hangs herself next to him. The oldest son wakes up, sees the cow dead, mom and dad dead, he walks to the local stream to drown himself.
And lo and behold, a goldfish appears! She promises to fulfil his three wishes, get his mom, dad and Mary the cow back. Okay, says the brother, but what’s the catch. There is always a catch. She says oh it’s easy you need to fuck me three times. Okay. He fucks her once, twice, can’t go a third time and drowns.
Middle brother wakes up, sees the cow, mom, dad, goes to the stream, sees his brother’s body. But there’s the goldfish and the deal is as before! Fuck me three times and get your wishes fulfilled. He fucks once, twice, can’t go the third time, drowns.
The youngest brother wakes up. Same here, mom and dad dead, cow dead, brothers dead, goldfish appears. You can bring them back just fuck me three times. Three times, he ponders, can I go four? Of course you can. Can I go five? Sure thing. Can I go ten? Mate, go as many times as you like, the goldfish says. So he asks nervously “and you won’t burst like the cow?”.
Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.
Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.
It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side." The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Alberta?" The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Alberta?"
The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Alberta."
Camel in the Camp
There was a major that got newly stationed in a base in the middle east. As he inspecting the base, he saw a camel tied to a post. Confused, he calls the nearest private.
"Private Doe!" "Sir! Yes, sir?" "What is this camel doing here at our base?" Asks the Major "Sir, the camel is here sir for when the urges of the troops need to be fulfilled sir!"
Understanding the situation, the Major told him to carry on. . . . Months have passed with no woman in sight. The Major was having urges that he couldn't control anymore. So one day, he calls the private.
"Private Doe!" "Sir! Yes sir?" "Bring the camel to my tent!" "Sir, yes sir!"
When the camel arrives and the private leaves, The Major vigorously fucks the camel like there was no tomorrow. As the Major finishes and steps out, he asks Private Doe:
"Private, isn't that how it's done?"
To which the private replies: . . . "Sir, no sir! We use the camel to go to the nearest town where the women are, sir!"
An old man sits next to a young punk on a bench in the park (NSFW)
The punk has a mohawk 16 inches high and all different colors and the punk can just feel the old man staring at his hair. After a few minutes, the staring gets too much and the punk turns to the old man and says:
"What's the matter old man? Never did anything crazy before?"
The old man replies:
"Well I fucked a peacock once, just wondering if you're my kid"
(I haven't seen this here but I started a month ago so I hope this isn't a repost. My take on an old joke that was told to me when I was a teenage punk, so no idea how well known it is)
A man with a tendency to over-explain things lays on his therapist's couch.
The therapist says “I have a new exercise for you today. Instead of spending an hour talking about your day, try to tell me the essentials of what happened in one breath.”
The patient agrees and takes a deep breath
“So they cast Callie Hernandez as Supergirl and I’m not sure if it was the best decision. Also, that movie is heavily featuring product placements from Burt’s Bees new ‘Fragile’ brand lip-balm. On top of that, I expect that my favorite Mexican food place, Alido's, is part of a crime ring and paying hush money to a mafia boss I saw there the other day.”
The patient gasps, and looks exhausted as they catch their breath.
The therapist adjusts their glasses and says, “Now simplify that even further. Only the basic points of that sentence.”
The patient thinks for a while, before responding with “Super Callie, Fragile lipstick, expect Alido’s hush.”
Religion is like a vagina.
Many people like being in one. It can feel warm and welcoming.
But you shouldn't pull someone into yours without their consent.
A blind guy walks into a primarily female bar
During a break in the music, he loudly says "hey, y'all wanna hear a blond joke?" Being blind, he doesn't realize how many blond women are in the bar. The bartender walks up to him and tells him "alright man, I know you're blind and new around here, so let me offer you some advice. I am 6'5 and blond. I wrestled in college and I work out everyday. The girl to your left is blond, and she's an MMA fighter who paralyzed an opponent last year by accident . The girl on your right is blond, and she's a boxer. The girl at the table behind you is blond, and she just got out of prison for killing a man. At the table next to her is yet another blond, who beats up people for a drug ring regularly and frequently escapes from jail to enact revenge on people who don't pay up.
Now tell me, cowboy, do you really want to tell a blond joke?" The blind man sighs. "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it 5 times."
Can your dick touch your ass?
A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.
His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”
The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the boy can’t have any then.
A few days later the son walks in on his father with a big bag of marshmallows, and boy does the kid love marshmallows! So he asks his dad if he could please have some, they’re his favorite after all, and his dad replies with the same response as before, “can your dick touch your ass?”. The son thinks about the question and hesitates before he sadly replies “no” again and walks away with his head down
The boy comes home from school one day to find his grandmother had left some of her homemade cookies for the family and he digs right in.
Just then, the boys father comes home from work and sees his son and the cookies at the kitchen table. The father is so excited because he already knows it’s his mom’s cookies and they’re his favorite.
The father pulls up a chair and asks his son for a cookie. The son looks at him with innocent eyes and says “can your dick touch your ass?”. The father smirks and replies “of course my son”, and before the father could say another word the boy shouts “well go fuck yourself because these are my cookies!”
Thứ Bảy, 28 tháng 8, 2021
There is a new female organ player at a small church...
She is a beautiful woman, but there is a problem: her ample bosom is causing an issue with the men in the church. While playing the organ, her breasts bounce and sway. Men in the church are getting distracted and many get in trouble with their wives for gazing longingly at her.
An old woman comes up to the young lady and explains the situation. Heartbroken, the beautiful woman asks if anything can be done to remedy the situation. The old lady smiles and tells her to go to the store and buy some lemons. "Rub one lemon half on each breast every night before bed, your breasts will shrink but you'll be able to keep playing." The young woman, relieved, goes away and follows the old woman's advice.
The next week, after worship, the pastor steps up to the pulpit. He says,
"Due to thircumstanthes beyond my control, we won't be having a thermon thith week."
Religion is like a penis.
It’s fine to have one. It’s fine to be proud of it. But please don’t whip it out in public and start waving it around.
An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.
It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."
The Pakistani's look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! After all, Pakistani's and Indians are brothers! Are we not?"
The Indian is delighted at how warm and friendly they are and he takes his seat. Shortly the plane takes off and the three guys are just chilling until the Indian says, "You know its going to be a long ride and I am getting thirsty. Brothers, can I get any of you like a drink?" Then one of them says, "Yes brother, I would like a coke!"
The Indian slips off his shoes and walks barefoot to were the stewardess is at, and when the Indian is out of view, one of the Pakistani's spits into his shoe. The Indian comes back and gives him a coke.
Then the other Pakistani says, "you know what brother? I would also like a coke too!" The Indian happily obliges, and as soon as he is out of view, he also spits in his shoe before the Indian gives him a coke.
Finally, the Indian slips on his shoes and suddenly realizes how wet they are. He shakes his head and says, "Brothers! Why must we do this to each other, spitting in each others shoes and peeing in each others cokes?"
I just bought a racehorse.
I called it My Face and now I'm watching all the women in the crowd, who had a bet on it, as they scream "Come on my face".
Son of a…
A birch tree and a beech tree stood next to each other in the woods. They were tall old trees, and usually got on quite well.
One day they noticed a little sapling between them, far below. The birch noticed first and said “Hey beech! Check out that little son of a birch down there!”
The beech tree retorts, “That isn’t a son of a birch. That is clearly a son of a beech!”
They argue for some time until a small woodpecker lands nearby. The trees see this as a chance to settle their argument.
“Hey woodpecker,” asks the beech, “You must be somewhat of an authority on trees. Do you see that sapling down there? This birch, here thinks that it’s a son of a birch, while I maintain that it is a son of a beech. Would you please go check it out and let us know?”
So the woodpecker agrees and flies down, checks out the sapling, and returns.
“SO?!” Cry the trees in unison, each eager to prove the other wrong.
“Well,” replies the woodpecker, “that sapling is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch, but I’ll tell you what. That is the best damn piece of ash I’ve ever stuck my pecker in.”
Thứ Sáu, 27 tháng 8, 2021
I have two arms for my self defence and they work everytime.
Dont know who they actually belongs to but it freaks out the opponent whenever i take them out.
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".
"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".
"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
Friends, please put on a mask. It saves lives.
Yesterday a friend of mine went out with his girlfriend and on the way he passed by his wife, but she did not recognize him. The mask really saved his life.
A guy with no arms walks into a bathroom….
So there’s a guy washing his hands and the guy with no arms says “hey man I’m a lil embarrassed, do you think you could help me out.” So he says sure, unzips the guys pants for him pulls his wiener out for him and it’s just the grossest most disgusting thing he’s ever seen, it’s all red and has open sores on it. So the guy with no arms finishes pissing and the other guy zips him up and he says “hey buddy, I don’t mean to be rude or anything but what’s wrong with your dick?” The guy with no arms pulls his arms outta his shirt and says “fuck if I know, but I ain’t touching it!”
Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s
One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.
On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but the husband looks a little bit annoyed.
In the afternoon, they go back to God and ask where they can get high factor sunscreen. "This is heaven, you don't need it anymore, the sun can't burn you or give you cancer, enjoy the beaches." The wife is satisfied, but the husband starts looking genuinely angry.
Later in the evening, they go to God and ask where they can find a health food restaurant for dinner. "We don't have health food restaurants, you can eat as much as you want of whatever you want and never feel bloated or gain any weight."
Finally the husband snaps, and yells at his wife "You see?! You see?! If it wasn't for your bloody bran muffins, I could've been here forty years ago!"
(NSFW) A naked woman gets into a taxi
A naked woman gets into a taxi and the driver can’t stop staring at her. she asks him “what’s the matter? you never seen a woman without her clothing?” he replies “that’s not the issue ma’am; what i’m worried about is where the money to pay me is.
How much do you weigh, dad?
Dad: 80 kg. with my glasses on. Child: How much do you weigh without your glasses? Dad: I don't know. I can't see.
Thứ Năm, 26 tháng 8, 2021
I'm fine..
A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor? Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said, ‘Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.’ Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now wot da fock would you say?'
A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.
"Helen," he said, "we've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world. We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."
His wife solemnly replied "I remember, dear."
"Helen," he continued, "when our son was killed in that terrible car accident, I was heartbroken. I didn't think I could go on, but you were by my side."
His wife began to softly cry, "I know, dear."
"And now," the man went on, "I'm about to leave this world. In my final moments, where are you?"
His wife sobbed, "Right here by your side, dear."
"Helen," the man said, "I'm beginning to think you might be bad luck."
The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)
A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in most cases they actually increased substantially in value. Joe decides to take the dealers advice and chooses the older model bike. Just as Joe finishes signing the paperwork, the dealer warns joe that these bikes are prone to rust and in order to for the classic Harley to retain its value, Joe would have to keep his purchase out of the rain. Joe wasn't happy about this new information and explained that he had no garage at his home and the bike was going to be parked outside in the elements. The dealer then assured Joe that there was a simple solution to this problem and proceeded to hand Joe a large jar of Vasoline. The dealer then explains to Joe, that he is to cover his bike in Vasoline if he suspects rain, and this would protect Joe's investment. Joe, happy with this solution , decides to accept the Vasoline and proceeds with the purchase of the bike.
Later that evening Joe rang his new girlfriend as they had a date night organised. Joe pulled up to her house on his newly purchased vintage Harley and Joe's girlfriend was very impressed to say the least, she then proceeded to tell Joe that she had told her parents about Joe and they were keen to meet him for dinner. Joe agreed to the dinner, his girlfriend hopped on the back of the bike and they rode out to Joe's girlfiends parents house.
As the two lovebirds got off the bike and made their way toward the house, Joe's girlfriend stopped and said "there's something I need to tell you. We have a rule in our house that nobody speaks during dinner or they have to do the dishes".Joe laughed and agreed to the quirky stipulation. Upon entering the house Joe was horrorfied when he could see what looked like a years worth of dishes piled up all through the house. After exchanging awkward pleasantries with the parents, they all sat down for dinner and sure enough not a word was spoken, for fear of being lumbered with the task of washing the dishes. Halfway through dinner and still in silence Joe, being the rebellious type, plants a passionate kiss on his girlfriend. The parents don't look too thrilled but before they say anything, both look over to the pile of dishes and decide not to say anything and continue with their meals. Joe then, taking advantage of the situation, pulls out his chair, bends his girlfriend over, pulls her panties to the side and starts humping her at the table. By this stage both parents are furious, they look at each other but before any of them act they look over toward the mass of unwashed dishes and decide to ignore what is happening. Joe realizing he is in the middle of a once in a lifetime situation then pushes his girlfriend out of the way, clears a space on the table, grabs his girlfriend's mom and starts giving her the same treatment on the table much to the dismay of his girlfriend and her father. Both the girlfriend and her father are now livid at what is happening in front of them but just as they are about to give Joe his marching orders both look toward the mountain of dishes and decide against saying anything. Just as Joe is giving it to his girlfriend's mum, Joe catches a glimpse out of the window and sees rain drops. The first thing that comes to Joe's mind is his precious Harley Davidson and the potential damage the rain will do to his investment. With that in mind and in a heartbeat Joe casts his girlfriend's mother aside and grabs the Vasoline out of his pocket. Just then his girlfriend's dad jumps out of his seat and says " okay, okay, I'll do the fucken dishes".
When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.” Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
I was so traumatized I couldn’t sleep properly for days.
I saw few psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years. It got better as I aged.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.
The dead bastard had a twin.
A PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel
An OPTIMIST sees light at the end of the tunnel
A REALIST sees a freight train
The TRAIN driver sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks
Farmer Greg
A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.
So he decided to grow the state’s largest watermelon. It took him 3 years but he finally did it. Greg went to the state fair, won an award and cash prize, but when he came back home nobody in his town cared.
A month later, he decided to grow the world’s largest carrot. This time it took him only 2 years. Authenticators came to inspect his product and concluded it was the longest and girthiest carrot they had ever seen! Reporters came from across the country to interview Greg and take pictures of his massive vegetable. He won the Guinness world record for largest carrot, but nobody in his town even seemed to notice.
One day, Greg saw a small crowd gathered near his property. It seemed that at least half of the town had assembled, so he decided to see what had brought them out.
“Hey Greg!” One of the men shouted from the crowd.
“What brings you out here?” Greg responded.
“We heard that you had moved and rebuilt your fence. Greg, this is incredible! It’s the best, straightest fence we’ve ever seen, it looks great!”
The old farmer paused for a second and scowled. Greg replied, “After all this time; from world records, to state awards, and news crews foaming at the mouth to look at my massive carrot, this is what you notice??” His voice rose to a yell. “All you fuckers care about is a LOUSY REPOST?!?!”
A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....
They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.
Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the largest penis.”
No one argued with Gerald as everyone at the table had seen (or felt) his penis and it was massive. It didn’t matter what room he was in. He probably had the largest penis in it.
Craig, a 26 year old DJ, casually said, “Well I have massive fists.”
Everyone nodded silently. Craig’s fists were well known and had been in many orifices. He has been known to turn the smallest babbling brook into a vast canyon.
Agnes, a 91 year old retired welder, proudly said, “Well I have the nicest vagina in the room.”
Again, no one argued with Agnes. For one, she was the only woman in the room. And for two, despite being 91, she was in good shape and took care of herself to include vagina exercises.
Tim, a 21 year old nurse, and the host of the gathering, smirked and exclaimed, “Well I have the biggest asshole here!”
Immediately the group started to murmur amongst itself. They had all been sticking things up their butt for many years (especially Agnes) and there was no way the youngest of the group had the biggest asshole.
Craig immediately stepped up to the challenge. He had been working on a party trick for a while now and this seemed like the appropriate time to show it. He went to the fridge and found an 8” carrot. He then took his pants off, laid down on his stomach and flipped the carrot over his shoulder. It flew in a wide ark and immediately disappeared up his butt.
The group gave a golf clap. The showmanship was impressive but it didn’t answer the question at hand.
Gerald decided it was his time to shine. He went to the pantry and found a potato. He then placed the potato on the counter, took his pants off and sat on the potato. Just to show he didn’t damage the potato he took it out and showed the group. It looked exactly like it had before it had gone in (maybe a little browner).
The group was slightly more impressed by this. Butt stuff was Gerald’s thing though, so it was expected he’d have something to offer.
Now it was time for Agnes to show all these young amateurs what was up. She went into the garage and found a 2 foot long, 2 inch thick wooden dowel. She lifted up her dress and balanced on top of the dowel. She then took a deep breathe and dropped to the floor. When she stood back up the dowel was gone.
This was truly impressive, but to be fair, this is a *largest* asshole contest, not a *longest* asshole contest.
Still smirking, Tim walked into the kitchen and turned on his espresso machine. He steamed the milk and whipped it. He poured in the espresso and added a swirl of caramel and just a touch of cinnamon. He put a doily on a saucer and plated his drink. He casually walked over to the table and placed his drink onto it.
Just as he did a giant fat tabby cat came barreling into the room, sliding around on the floor, and slamming into walls as he turned corners. He jump onto the table and immediately swatted the drink off. The cup and saucer shattered and there was liquid everywhere. The cat then peed on the table and tried to scratch Tim.
Agnes, Gerald, and Craig immediately realized the misunderstanding that has happened. An embarrassing quiet fell over the room.
Gerald finally broke the silence, “So your cat is the biggest asshole.” Then he thinks for a second and goes, “Does he hate all coffee or just the fancy stuff?”
Tim looks a little confused and says, “It’s just the fancy stuff. But the cat’s not the biggest asshole. The coffee is just how I get him into the room.”
Tim then shoves the cat up his ass.
A tourist decides to visit a Native American Chief who is famous for his perfect memory.
"Okay, Chief..." says the tourist,
"Let's test that memory of yours. What did you eat for breakfast on May 9th, 1972?"
The Chief thinks for a moment, and responds "Eggs."
The tourist replies, "Wow, that's incredible! You really do have a perfect memory." and leaves.
Ten years later the tourist finds himself in the Chief's neck of the woods and decides to pay him a visit.
He enters the Chief's home and respectfully greets him, saying "Hau, Chief."
The Chief promptly replies, "Scrambled."
A man finds a magic lamp
He rubs it and a genie appears, "you have 3 wishes master", "ok I want a million dollars!", the genie nods "done" , "I want a big mansion!", the genie nods "done", the man looks embarrassed and whispers the last wish in the genies ear which he replies "done". The man goes to his mansion when there's a knock at the door, he opens it and there's the kkk stood outside, "What the hell are you doing here?" The man shouts, "we're your third wish" the klansman says "to be hung like a black guy".
A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
A man goes to see a psychologist
He sits down, and the doctor pulls out some cards with some abstract inky blots on them. "I'm going to give you a a Rorschach test, please tell me what you see."
He holds up the first one. The man says "a naked lady"
The doc holds up another one. The man says "a naked lady with a dick"
The doctor holds up a third and the man says "two men fucking each other in the butt".
The doctor then exclaims " my God, your mind is filthy!"
The man replies "My mind? You're the one showing me all these dirty pictures!"
Thứ Tư, 25 tháng 8, 2021
A woman goes to the doctor..
And she asks him: "Doctor, I always wanted to have bigger boobs, but I'm so afraid of surgeries. Isn't there any other option?"
The doctor remains silent for a moment, observes her from top to bottom, and replies: "Well, I think I might have something that can help you out."
"Amazing doc, what is it?" The woman replies.
"So, you take a bit of toilet paper, and every morning you rub it between your boobs for about a minute"
The woman looks surprised and asks him how that would ever work.
The doctor says: "I honestly don't have a clue but it seemed to have worked for your ass!"
A White Missionary in an African Tribe
A white missionary was visiting an African tribe. After a year of sharing the same village, the chieftain's wife gave birth...to a white baby.
The chieftain was enraged and called for the preacher's death. The missionary attempted to calm the chief, asking him to take a walk with him through the village to cool his head and talk about the situation.
As the men walked, they passed by a field full of sheep. All the sheep in the field were white save one, a little black sheep. "See?" the pastor said, pointing to the animals: "these types of things happen in nature from time to time."
The chief paused and seemed to be deep in thought. At last he leaned toward the missionary and whispered under his breath, "All right--I won't say anything about the baby if you don't say anything about the sheep."
Fifteen Bucks
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?
''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.
''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''
''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?'' The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''
The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.
A Chinese man and a Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a plane.
Suddenly, the Jewish man slaps the Chinese man across the face.
"What was that for?" asks the Chinese man..
"For Pearl Harbor" says the Jewish man.
"That was Japanese. I'm Chinese," the Chinese man says.
"Chinese, Japanese" what's the difference?
Few minutes later, the Chinese man slaps the Jewish man.
"What was that for?" asks the Jew.
"It's for the Titanic."
"The Titanic? That was an iceberg..."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?" says the Chinese man.
Thứ Ba, 24 tháng 8, 2021
A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other.
"Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
A mother asked her son to lose their cat somewhere in the jungle.
The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.
Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!
Mother: How were you able to come back home?
Son: I followed the cat.
A few hours ago I dropped a piece of ice
It slid under the refrigerator. I was really upset at first but now it's water under the fridge.
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for bottom deodorant.
The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have never sold bottom deodorant. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.
The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don't stock or sell such an item, smiles at the blonde and says, "One moment please, I will get the Pharmacist." The pharmacist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?" "I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the blonde. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" Said the blonde, "I will go and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to the woman, "This is just a normal stick of under-arm deodorant". The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland
As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill -
"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"
The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.
There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and they then hear the same voice -
"One Finnish soldier is better than a hundred of yours!"
Annoyed, the Soviet general sends hundred men to capture the hill. There is gunfire and bombs going for ten minutes, and everything goes silent again. Suddenly, the same voice yells out -
"One Finnish soldier is better than thousand of Soviet soldiers!"
Enraged, the general sends a thousand men, accompanied with tanks, artillery, mortar teams, and tells them to not return until the hill is theirs.
For half an hour hell breaks loose, bombs and explosions, gunfire, screams and death all around, and then it goes silent again.
One Soviet soldier crawls back, severely wounded and battered.
Before the general could say anything, the soldier says -
"Do not send more troops, comrade general, it's a trap! There is two of them."
Thứ Hai, 23 tháng 8, 2021
An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way"
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Cheating for "Good" Reasons
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
A shipwrecked man washes up onto a deserted beach.
He meets a couple that's also stranded there. He and the wife immediately lock eyes and feel the chemistry for some genital bonding.
The Husband tells the Stranger: "hey man, see that tall coconut tree over there? We take turns all day climbing it to the top and seeing if any ships are approaching that could rescue us"
The Stranger replies: "Say no more friend. I'll take first watch!" and he swiftly climbs up the tree.
After a few minutes up top he shouts out: "hey guys! come on! Stop fucking down there! I can see you!"
The married couple, puzzled, shout back in reply: "what? We're not fucking!" The Stranger says: "Oh shit...my bad...it just really looks like it from up here."
Over the next three hours, the Stranger on top of the coconut tree repeats this multiple times...constantly asking the couple below to stop fucking. The couple exasperated, continue to deny any fucking.
Finally, he comes down and the Husband goes up the tree for his shift. The minute he goes up the Stranger and the Wife start fucking. The Husband on top of the coconut tree looks down and thinks to himself: "Goddamn it DOES look like they're fucking down there."
My friend was mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.
I can't tell if it was because the rest of his family was there, or because they were still on her.
It sure made the rest of the funeral awkward.
Chủ Nhật, 22 tháng 8, 2021
Having gay parents must be horrible
Either you get twice the amount of dad jokes or get stuck in the infinite loop of 'ask your mom'
Whenever my wife is upset
Whenever my Wife is upset, I let her color in my black and white tattoos.
Sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon..
I walk into a bar
Me: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: OK, I’ll have a Coke.
Bartender: Three dollars.
Me: There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase.
I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.
Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.
I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.
I just realized that I am an idiot.
Statistics
Statistically:
- 5 people out of 6 are satisfied with the result of Russian roulette
- 0 out of 6 people complain about the result
An engineer dies and goes to hell
An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the sidewalk, and stopped inches away from a lady with a baby stroller. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Hey, don't ever do that again. You scared the crap out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "I'm sorry. It's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Thứ Bảy, 21 tháng 8, 2021
A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"
"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...
Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."
Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."
Person 1 says: I like Eminem
Person 2 says: Well, I prefer Skittles. Person 1 says: No- I meant the rapper. Person 2 says, confused: Why would you eat the wrapper?
There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…
Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sure thing, Mouse!” Their usual routine before the small talk.
One Friday, Mouse hops onto his stool, sips his first beer and looks sideways down the bar. There, at the very end, is this really cute Giraffe. She sees Mouse, looks away a second, then looks back and smiles. Blink, blink. Damn, those big long eyelashes. She is adorable.
Mouse whispers, “Sam! Who’s that?” The bartender explains she just came in awhile ago all by herself. Seems lonely.
Mouse sends her a drink. Giraffe smiles again. Blink, blink.
Minutes later, Mouse shinnies down his stool and climbs up the stool next to the Giraffe. They sit there for an hour, then two, laughing and drinking, having a wonderful time.
Suddenly, Mouse and Giraffe get up and leave the bar together.
The next evening at the bar, 5:15 comes and passes. No Mouse.
Then 6:00. Then 6:30. Very unusual; Sam is concerned.
Around 7 pm, there is an odd thwack against the screen door. Then another. The door shakes and eventually opens a bit and in stumbles Mouse. He is moving slow. His ears curl down, clothes and hair are a mess.
Mouse struggles to climb to the top of the stool and when he finally gets there he sits silently, head in his hands. Sam lays a beer down and doesn’t say anything. Mouse looks like shit.
Finally, Sam can’t resist. He says “Mouse, what in the world happened to you?”
Mouse takes a big pull off his beer. Finally says, “Sam, remember that Giraffe from last night? The one I left with?”
Sam replies, “Yeah, of course, Mouse. What happened?”
Mouse rolls his eyes, pauses and says, “Oh man, Sam. Between the kissing and the fucking I must have run 400 miles last night.”
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time, and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there’s a better one. At McDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and McDougal himself will buy your third drink!”
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, “Yeah, that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.”
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from, there’s this place called Warshowski’s. At Warshowski’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”
“Wow!” said the other two. “That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”
“No,” replies the Polish guy, “but it happened to my sister!”
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your whole day,
Anal sex makes your hole weak.
Edit: added “whole” Props to a fellow redditor for correction. u/rex-natchez!
Not all construction work is equally enjoyable.
For instance, drilling a large hole is boring, but fastening two pieces of metal together is riveting.
A man walks into an Indian restaurant.
The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”
The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”
The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.
The man squints at the paper and reads the single sentence, “We have naan at this restaurant.” The man looked up, puzzled, and asked why he needed to sign this worthless statement.
The waiter replied, impatiently, “Just sign the naan disclosure agreement and we can move on.”
Thứ Sáu, 20 tháng 8, 2021
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.
They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends
Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.
The brunette says with a devilish grin, "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us." She grabs her daughter's purse, rifles through it for a moment, and pulls out a lighter. "Wow," she says. "Looks like my Beth has been smoking cigarettes behind my back."
Her curiosity piqued, the redhead pulls her daughter's purse onto her lap, digs through the items and reveals a bottle opener. "For crying out loud," she blurts, disappointed. "Sue has been drinking, just like her good for nothing daddy!”
The blonde mother, feeling obliged to follow suit, picks up her daughter's purse, thrusts her hand in and fishes out a box of condoms. "Oh my God," she utters with a blank expression followed by a breathless pause. "Debbie has a penis!”
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady...
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady, and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never reaches orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
“Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.”
They go home and follow the rabbi’s advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn’t help, and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. “Okay,” says the rabbi to the husband, “let’s try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.” Once again, they follow the rabbi’s advice.
The young man gets into bed with the wife, and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, “Schmuck, that’s the way you wave a towel!”
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon… ‘Fuck off’ she said, ‘they’re for the funeral.’
Five surgeons were talking about the best patients...
First surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered." Second surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." Third surgeon responds, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded!" Fourth surgeon intercedes," I prefer lawyers.They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable." To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says, "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
Thứ Năm, 19 tháng 8, 2021
Daughters vibrator.
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
Two men are robbing a liquor store…
One says, ‘Is this whisky?’
‘Yes’, the other replies, ‘but not as whisky was wobbing a bank’
4 tips for guys for successful relationships
It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.
It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.
It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickness and in health.
It’s absolutely fucking vital that these three women do not know each other.
During a church service,
the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”
There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.
“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”
The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.”
The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”
As an American looking at the situation in Afghanistan
It's good to see that, even decades later, the freedom fighters we trained can still drive out a superpower.
We now have the technology to build a new penis.
Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man, Max, groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."
The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
Max agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says Max. "We're getting granite counter tops.”
Thứ Tư, 18 tháng 8, 2021
Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife
Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!"
A teacher was reminding her students of their final exam the day after and said
''I won't be accepting any bullcrap excuses for you not being here tomorrow unless nuclear war breaks out, you have a very serious personal injury or there's a death in your immediate family if your not here then you fail the whole year''
The smart ass kid Johnny at the back of the room raises his hand ''What if I come in but I'm suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion? how could I do the test then?''
There were sniggers and laughs from the class until the teacher said ''well in that scenario Johnny, you'll just have to write with your other hand''
The Queen takes the visiting Pope for a ride in a horse carriage through London.
Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly.
“Oh my goodness, I am so terribly sorry!” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.
“Oh don't worry about it" the Pope replied "If you hadn't said anything, I'd have just thought it was one of the horses!"
An innocent joke to cheer you up...
Lulu, a little girl asks her mum, "Mum, can I take Daisy (a dog) for a walk around the block?"
Mum replies "No, because she is in heat."
"What does that mean?" asked Lulu.
"Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
Lulu goes out to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Daisy for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you."
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent.
"Ok, you can go now, but keep her on the leash and only go one time around the block."
Lulu left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash... Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Daisy?"
Lulu said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home!"
A man in the locker room of an upscale gym in NYC answers a cell phone and puts it on speaker while he dresses
Everyone else in the room stops to listen. Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you too.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. The man turns around and says, “Anyone know whose phone this is”?
I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “$1 for a dirty joke”
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: “Look there, you can see a Rooster right? How many legs does it have?"
Me: “Two?”
Homeless man: “Correct, now how many wings does this Rooster have?”
Me: “Two?”
Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this Rooster have?”
Me: “Two?”
Homeless man: “Correct again! Now look over there, you see a Cat right?
Me: “Yes, I see a cat”
Homeless man: “how many hairs on that cat’s whiskers?”
Me: “I don't know?”
Homeless man: “Bro, why you know so much about cock and know nothing about pussy?”
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...
They climb up a small branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.
"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How are you doing that?!"
The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"
Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
"Why"? Putin asks
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff, remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"
Thứ Ba, 17 tháng 8, 2021
An atheist goes to heaven
Baffled and full of questions he is being shown around by God.
"Why am I here? I am an atheist."
"That does not matter, all good people end up here."
As they pass by a gay couple kissing the atheist wonders
"Isn't that a sin?"
"That does not matter, all good people end up here."
They come by a Buddhist Monk, silently meditating.
"Wait, so you even take in people who believe in other religions?
"That does not matter, all good people end up here."
Surprised, but intrigued the atheist looks around - when one last question comes to his mind
"But where are all the Christians?"
"In hell"
A flat earther dies and goes to heaven.
At the gates of heaven, St. Peter says to them, "Before you enter the gates of heaven, you may ask god one question."
The flat earther asks, "God, is the earth flat?"
God responds, "The earth is 100% a globe."
The flat earther exclaims, "Holy crap! This conspiracy runs deeper than I thought!"
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As the husband was walking to the door, the wife yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
Husband turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.
I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?”
Well don’t you know, she loved my suggestion!
It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.
So a man was sued for libel and slander...
The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"
The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."
The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"
The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, your honor."
The judge looked at his papers, "So, counsel, apparently, there were thirty witnesses to the alleged statement, are you sure you're going to plead not guilty?"
The defendant's attorney nodded, "Truth is an absolute defense, your honor. We would like to call the plaintiff's mother as our first witness."
A Man And A Woman Get Into An Argument About Infidelity
The man is suspicious of his wife so he starts interrogating her asking her question after question.
The wife answers every question truthfully and even calls her friends or coworkers so that they can confirm too.
But this wasn't enough for her husband so he keeps on arguing and asking her more and more question. The wife gets sick of the horrible jealousy of her husband and thinks of a way to make him happy and end the argument.
She than remembers that getting naked usually gets him distracted and the argument ends really quickly. So the woman quickly strips down naked and looks at the man while biting her lips.
The man confused yells "You think getting naked will end this argument? When has that ever worked with me?"
The woman than replies "Oh right... That only works on Mark!"
A biker stops at a young girl who's just about to jump off a bridge. He says to her, "why not give me your last kiss before you jump?"
She quietly accepts and gives him one of the deepest kiss ever.
When she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That is the best kiss I ever had! It would be a real waste of your talent to jump. Why are you committing a suicide?"
She replied, “my parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”
Thứ Hai, 16 tháng 8, 2021
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
What's the difference between racism and Chinese?
Racism has many faces.
Thank you, I'll see myself out now.
(Translated from German but its my favorite dumb joke so I wanted to share)
It was a dark and rainy night…..
Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.
After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service station.”
The old Chinese man says, “ I am honored to extend my hospitality to you, but be warned, my 22-year-old daughter is staying with me. She is young, impetuous, wild, and she is strictly off-limits. Any man who violates her honor will have the three Chinese torture tests administered to him.”
Giving his word and just wanting a warm bed, the man is shown up to his room on the second floor. After getting settled down, there’s a knock at the door. Upon opening, the Beautiful 22-year-old daughter steps in the doorway. “ Is there anything I can get you?” She says with a mischievous grin, loosening her robe.
He decides, “What the hell, I’ll take on any torture test for a night with this fox” and he enjoys himself thoroughly………
The next morning, he wakes up alone and notices that it’s a bit tough to breathe. Opening his eyes, he sees a large stone on his chest with a sign that reads:
“1st Chinese torture test - 30 pound stone on chest.”
Snorting in derision and thinking if this is the type of BS the old man was talking about then it was totally worth it, he carries the stone to the window to toss it out. After he does, he notices another sign hanging outside the window from the roof that reads:
“2nd Chinese torture test- left testicle tied to 30 pound stone.
Looking around, he realizes he only has a few seconds before the string is going to get…….tightened. Thinking quickly, he decides to just jump out the window. “No problem, I can untie the string when I hit the ground” he thinks.
His blood runs cold however, when he sees the third sign on the side of the house on the way down that reads:
3rd Chinese torture test- right testicle tied to bedpost.
Two girlfriends talk
- So, Stacy, have you tried ... you know ..., the other hole with your boyfriend?
- Are you crazy?! We don't want any kids!
Chủ Nhật, 15 tháng 8, 2021
Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
[Remembered this one earlier today and realized I haven't seen it on r/Jokes in a long time.]
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