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Chủ Nhật, 3 tháng 5, 2015

What did the scientist who was conducting sexual experiments on dogs say to his partner?

"If you need me, I'll be in the lab."

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."

I asked a German girl her number.

Apparently, it was 999-999-9999.

The Business of The Onion: How America's Best Satirical News Source Makes Money


The Business of The Onion: How America's Best Satirical News Source Makes Money
How a fake newspaper is turning into a real media empire.

May 3, 2015 at 02:02AM
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You know why Mayweather won't beat Pacquiao?

Pacquiao isn't his wife.

I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...

But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?

What do you call a principal who gives good blow jobs?

A headmaster.