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Chủ Nhật, 10 tháng 5, 2015

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

Putting Your exam results on the window of your car

So you can park in disabled spots.

18 Mother's Day Gifts Your Dog Would Get You If They Could

Because let’s be real, your dogs are your children.

Your pup would be on his BEST behavior for you, ALL DAY.

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And would wake you up with breakfast in bed.

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She'd probably clean the house and vacuum all the fur.

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And maybe do some yard work too!

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Why didn't the cops ever charge Abraham Lincoln?

Because he was always in a cent.

You gotta keep the car and engine running

80 year old Jim marrined 18 year old Linda and he was the towns envy. Soon Linda got pregnant and was at the hospital giving birth. The nurse told Jim,"Its amazing you managed to do this at your age". Jim replied,"well one has gotta keep the car and engine running"

Soon a year later they were at the hospital again with Linda giving birth to another one and nurse remarked,"wow its amazing yiu did it again" Jim replied,"as i said you gotta keep the car and egine running"

and again a year later Linda gave birth again and Jim told the nurse,"as i said you gotta keep the car and engine running" The nurse replied,"thats true but you might wanna change the engine oil as this one's black"

Gotcha!

Marvin was a 14-handicapper, but one day he walked up to his club pro, a scratch golfer, and challenged him to a match. He proposed they put up $100 each on the outcome.

"But," Marvin said to the pro, "since you're so much better than me, you have to give me two 'gotchas'."

"A 'gotcha'?" the golf pro asked, "what's that?"

"Don't worry," Marvin replied, "I'll use one of my 'gotchas' on the first tee and you'll understand."

The golf pro figured that whatever 'gotchas' were, giving up only two of them was no big deal - especially if one had to be used on the first tee. So he agreed to the bet, and the pro and Marvin headed to the first tee to start their match.

Around four hours later, club members were amazed to see the pro handing Marvin $100. The pro had lost to Marvin!

The club members waited for the pro to enter the clubhouse, then asked him what happened.

"Well," the pro said, "I took the club back on the first tee, and as I started my downswing, Marvin knelt behind me, reached up between my legs and grabbed my crotch, and yelled 'Gotcha!' "

The club pro just shook his head. "Have you ever tried to play 18 holes waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

hillbilly guy is eating at a buffet...

a large lady at the next table is wolfing down chicken wings, dipping them into a soup bowl of ranch dressing and shoving them in, right hand, left hand...

suddenly she grabs her throat and starts eeking out a panicked sound and starts turning purple...

the hillbilly jumps up, shoves her to the floor on her stomach, yanks down her sweat pants and runs his tongue right down the middle of her butt crack.

the woman, shocked, hacks and a chicken bone shoots, like a bullet, out of her mouth, flying across the floor and smacking the wall at the other side of the room.

she takes a huge gasp and her color returns to normal.

the guy stands up triumphantly and says,

"ahhh, the ol' hind lick maneuver! works e'ry time"