A boy comes home with a swollen cheek...

His dad sees him and asks him what happened.

"I was at the cafeteria today and teacher was in front of me. I noticed that her skirt was in her ass so I thought I'd help her and pulled it out. That's when she turned around and slapped me"

The father sits him down and says to him

"Listen son, I know you meant good but women don't like these types of things. Alright?"

"Ok" says the son and leaves.

The next day the boy comes home with both cheeks swollen

"What the hell happened now?" asks the dad

"I was in the cafeteria again and the same teacher was in front of me. Her skirt was in her ass again. That's when Jack who was next to me pulled it out. But I knew that women don't like when you do that so I pushed it back in"

Some things may be lost in translation but I hope you had at least a chuckle.

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21 Things You Need If You Love Red Pandas

Number one: A red panda.

This TOTES adorbs tote bag.

LOL. Find it here.

etsy.com

This snuggly sweatshirt bearing the emblem of your life.

Found here.

etsy.com

These perfect little earrings to whisper sweet nothings into your ears.

Found here.

etsy.com

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The girl asks her father "what's the difference between theory and reality"?

The father responds "would you fuck a random man for a million dollars"? The daughter replies " well of course"!

Father says "ok go ask your mom the same question".

The girl returns and says "mom said for that much money, definitely".

The father lets out a long sigh, "well sweetheart, here's the difference.. In theory we're millionaires, but in reality I'm living with a couple of whores".

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42 Cat GIFs That Will Make You Laugh Everytime

Cats are God’s greatest gift to the Internet.

This cat on her first day at school.

imgur.com

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20 Long Years

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

“What’s the matter dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night!?”

The husband looks up from his drink, “It’s the 20th anniversary of the day we met.”

She can’t believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up.

The husband continues solemnly, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15.”

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

“Yes, I do,” she replies.

The husband pauses… the words were not coming easily.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.

“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'”

“I remember that too,” she replied softly…

He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”

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86 Lana Del Rey Lyrics For When You Need An Instagram Caption

Look at you, looking at me.

LanaDelReyVEVO

1. It's not fashionable to love me.
2. I feel free when I see no one and nobody knows my name.
3. I've got nothing much to live for ever since I found my fame.
4. Boy, look at you, looking at me.
5. Lights, camera, acción.
6. Loving me is all you need to feel.
7. Got my blue nail polish on. It's my favorite color and my favorite tone of song.
8. You know sometimes, baby, I'm so carefree.
9. I keep my lips red to seem like cherries in the spring.
10. Blue hydrangea, cold cash, divine, cashmere, cologne and white sunshine.
11. What I do, I do best.
12. I fucked my way up to the top.
13. I want money, power, and glory.
14. Am I that girl that you dream of?
15. I'm pretty when I cry.
16. They judge me like a picture book by the colors, like they forgot to read.
17. He used to call me DN, that stood for deadly nightshade.
18. I was filled with poison, but blessed with beauty and rage.
19. In the land of gods and monsters, I was an angel.
20. My pussy taste like Pepsi-Cola.
21. My eyes are wide like cherry pies.
22. Be young, be dope, be proud.
23. I know what the boys want, I'm not gonna play.
24. Done my hair up real big beauty queen style.
25. It's alarming honestly how charming she can be.
26. I'm your national anthem.
27. He said to "be cool" but I'm already coolest.
28. Um, do you think you'll buy me lots of diamonds?

LanaDelReyVEVO

29. You're my religion. You're how I'm living.
30. All the lights are sparkling for you, it seems.
31. All the pretty stars shine for you, my love.
32. You make me crazy, you make me wild.
33. Every now and then the stars align, boy and girl meet by the great design.
34. I know if I go, I'll die happy tonight.

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The only reason your girlfriend likes to suck your cock.....

.....is because her parents told her to enjoy the little things in life.

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