I told my girlfriend I wanted some new pussy.

She told me to grow an inch.

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I have a theory on scoliosis

It's just a hunch though

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My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating.

There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon

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I can't believe...!

Person 1: I can't believe after all that shit they're back together!!!
Person 2: Who?!
Person 1: My ass cheeks.

I've used this many times in person, and it still cracks me up to this day lol

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"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

the divorce court judge said, " and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week. ". "That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself. "

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Sex Ed in 2015

Remember kids, 'Netflix and Chill' is only one "D" away from 'Netflix and Child.'

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Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

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