So three old men met on a Sunday morning...

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock: no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

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Jokes about unemployed people are not funny...

They just don't work.

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Why cant Miss Piggy count to 100?

Every time she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat.

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What's the difference between jokes and dicks?

My girlfriend doesn't laugh at my jokes.

edited for spelling: "Mr" instead of "my"

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I broke into Stephen Hawking's home and wanked him off in his sleep.

You might call it sexual assault. I call it a stroke of genius.

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A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a restaurant...

The man and his companions sit down at a table and a waitress walks over to them to take their order.

"I'll have a 16oz Steak with all the trimmings and a bottle of champagne." The man says.

The waitress nods and turns towards the ostrich, who seems confused.

"Oh! Uh, I'll, um... I want, uh, I dunno, uuuuuuhhhhhhhhh, I'll just have what he had."

Writing down the order again she looks to the cat.

"Yeah I'll have the same. But I'm not paying for it! I won't pay a single penny." He said as he turned his nose up at her.

The waitress smiles and walks off to the kitchen. She appears again later with three huge meals and 3 bottles of champagne.

After the man and his companions finish their meals the waitress returns to the table to ask him if there was anything else. The man said no and she went to fetch the bill.

"That'll be £166.95 please."

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out £166.95 exactly in cash and places it in the waitress's hand.

Her eyes widen as she looks down at the pile of cash and change in her hands. She looks up at him in amazement.

"How could you possibly have the exact money ready for me?"

"Oh thats a funny story actually, I found an old lamp the other day. After I rubbed it a Genie promptly popped out and proclaimed he could grant me three wishes." Explained the man.

"And?" Urged the waitress.

"My first wish was to always have the exact money in cash readily in my pocket whenever I needed it." Said the man, triumphantly.

"And the second and third wishes?" Inquired the waitress.

The man pauses briefly and looks to his companions.

"I wished for a dumb bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

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Why is it called a Wonder Bra?

When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

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