What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common?

They each have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

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If a blind girl says you have a big penis

She's probably just pulling your leg

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"Did you just say something?"

"Uhhh nope?"

"Really? I could swear you just asked me if I wanted a hotdog."

"No I didn't."

"Good, because I'm vegan."

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To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket,

You can hide, but you can't run.

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A Higgs Boson walks into a church

The priest says “we don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here”. The Higgs Boson then replies “but without me, how could you have mass?”

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I'm in the middle of hanging myself.

The suspense is killing me.

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In my spare time I help blind children.

I mean the verb, not the adjective.

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