How many "sup dude"s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, it's already lit fam.

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For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist."

I haven't worn it yet.

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Man was rushed to ER after putting 4 plastic horses up his ass...

After being treated, doctor described his state as stable

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I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people

I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.

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An old lady walks into a bank with a big bag of money

One of the employees asks her what she wants.

Old Lady: I'm here to open an account and I want to deposit all this money into the bank.

"Whoa, that's a whole lot of money", the employee said. "You'll have to talk to the manager."

The employee escorts her to the manager's office, tells the manager everything and leaves.

Manager: Well. We'll deposit your money. How much is it anyway?

Old Lady: A million dollars.

Manager: Whoa! But I don't understand one thing. How did an old lady like you manage to make so much?

Old Lady: I do betting on random things with people.

Manager: And you managed to make so much out of it. Would you care to play one bet with me as well?

Old Lady: Yes! Just seeing you I can bet $100,000 that your testicles are cubical.

Manager: What? That's insane. I know my testicles are round. Do you really want to place your money on such a stupid bet?

Old Lady: Do you want to play the bet or not?

Manager: Okay! You're on.

Old Lady: Okay! But to make sure that you don't cheat, I'll do this tomorrow morning in front of a witness.

Manager: Fine. No problem.

The next day, the lady comes with a man who's meant to be the witness.

Old Lady: Are you ready?

Manager: Yes, absolutely.

Manager takes down his pants and says, "See, it's all round. Nothing's cubical."

Old Lady: "It's not very clear from here. Can I touch and check. After all $100,000 is at stake.

Manager: Yeah, sure. Check all you want.

So the lady walks up to the manager and holds his testicles to check thoroughly.

Meanwhile the witness she brought starts banging his head to the wall.

Manager asks him, "What happened to you?"

Witness: This bitch made a bet with me for $500,000 yesterday that the bank manager's testicles will be in her hands this morning.

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Hitler walks into a bar...

The bartender does a double take but doesn't say anything at first. "This cant be!" the bartender thinks to himself. Finally he decides to bring it up.

"Hey man, I don't want to bother you," says the bartender, "but you look just like Hitler."

"I am Hitler," says the fuhrer. "I'm back. And this time, I'm gonna kill eight million Jews and three rodeo clowns."

"Three rodeo clowns?" asks the puzzled bartender.

Hitler says "see? No one gives a fuck about the Jews."

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What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

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