Let a trained medical professional do it instead.
Thứ Năm, 11 tháng 8, 2016
The Pope decides to go around Rome incognito
He steps into his limousine. All the windows are tinted obviously, so no one can see who's inside. The Pope tells the driver to go around Rome at once. However, the driver is really nervous, because it's the first time he takes the Pope around all alone; usually, His Holiness is surrounded by a dozen bodyguards at the very least. So the driver is really stressed out, and to make sure nothing bad happens he drives really slowly.
After a while, the Pope tells him to drive faster, but the driver isn't willing to go above 30 km/h. After another while, the Pope says:
'Okay, let's switch. I'll show you how to freaking drive, my son!'
They switch and the Pope immediatly accelerates. Of course, a police car pursues them when they see a limo going around Rome wildly, well above the speed limit, and they ask them to pull over. A policeman approaches the driver's side where the window is being lowered. When the policeman sees the Pope, he turns completely pale, mutters some apologies and runs back to the police car. His partner inquires:
'Why the hell didn't you give him a ticket, you moron?'
'Man, I didn't dare... that's an extremely important person sitting there in that limo...'
'Who? The Mayor? Should've given him a ticket, that bastard deserves it!'
'No, no, someone much more important...'
'Who then? One of our corrupt ministers perhaps?'
'No, no, much more important than that...'
'The Prime Minister?'
'No, no...'
'Oh for fuck's sake, just tell me who it is already!'
'Well actually, I don't know... But it's the Pope himself who serves as their driver!'
A man from out of town walks into a bar...
he sees large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why the meat is hanging down from the ceiling. The bartender says "Around these parts we have a challenge. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get it for free. If you can't you have to pay the price of the meat but you don't get it. How about taking the bet?" The man looks up at the meat. "Nah" He says. "The steaks are too high.
Thứ Tư, 10 tháng 8, 2016
A mother-in-law doesn't trust her sons-in-law...
...so she decides to test them.
First, she goes to the oldest's house. She jumps into a well, but her son-in-law rescues her promptly. The next morning, the oldest son-in-law finds a brand new Suzuki in front of his house with a little note: "Lots of love, your mother-in-law".
The next day, she goes to her second son-in-law's house. She jumps into a well once again. Her son-in-law rescues her, but only after pondering about the decision for a while. The next morning, the second son-in-law finds a second-hand Trabant in front of his house with a little note: "Love, your mother-in-law".
Finally, the next day she goes to see her third son-in-law. She jumps into a well, but the youngest son-in-law doesn't rescue her, so she drowns and dies. The next morning, the youngest son-in-law finds a splendind new Porsche in front of his house with a little note: "Thank you. Your loving father-in-law".
A guy realizes it's been a while and he has a little money, so he goes to the whorehouse and asks for whatever he can get for it...
The madam tells him to wait in room 102 and he will be taken care of.
He is waiting for a while, when a chicken starts pecking at the window.
It keeps pecking so he lets it in and the chicken flutters in, struts over to the bed, hops up, and turns its head to look back at him.
He's really confused but really horny so he thinks maybe this is what he could afford.
He decides to fuck the chicken.
It was no easy task and he wound up with some bites and scratches, but it was worth it.
A girl walks in as he is doing up his pants.
She asks if he is leaving and he tells her "Yes, I'm a satisfied customer."
The next week he has even less money, but hopes the whorehouse can provide something.
The madam says the best he can get for that price is room 202.
He enters the dark empty room where a bunch of guys are laying face down on the floor.
He realizes that they are looking through holes, watching people have sex in the room below.
He picks a spot to watch and gets very aroused seeing a girl get railed from behind while she sucks another guy off.
He turns to the older man next to him and says "Wow, this is crazy."
The old guy replies "This is nothing, last week some maniac was fucking a chicken."
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