I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
Thứ Bảy, 17 tháng 9, 2016
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult surgery.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial spongebath.
“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!”
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly ,”Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely… "A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?"
Thứ Sáu, 16 tháng 9, 2016
A guy wakes up, still hungover from the last night...
He notices his wife is being super nice to him - she makes him breakfast in bed, asks him if he needs anything, hums to herself happily.
Confused, he asks his kid: "Psst, hey, what's going on?".
The kid says: "Well, last night you came home drunk as a skunk, kicked the dog, vomited on the carpet, and pissed in the flower pot. And when mom tried to take off your clothes to put you to bed, you said - leave me alone bitch, I'm married!"
Irishman looking for a parking place
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
There was a knock at my door.
I said, "Who is it?" and they told me that it was the police. I asked them what they wanted and they said that they wanted to investigate my property for marijuana.
I said, "I haven't got any. Now be on your way."
"Well then," they said, "what harm is there in us checking?"
I said, "Because you might find the cocaine."
We can't have sex...
This guy went to a bar...long story short, he met this broad and they went back to his place. Before they got undressed to do the horizontal mambo, he said, "Listen, I'm sorry but I don't think we should have sex right away". "Why's that?" she said.
"Well you see, I'm hung like a baby, and I wouldn't want you to laugh and decide you didn't want to have sex with me. Why don't we get to know each other first, and then when we feel we're ready, we'll do it."
So the girl agreed, but only because he was a good-looking dude and pretty nice.
Several dates later, they make it back to his place again, and after some conversation, they decide it's time. She undresses and slides into bed. He undresses, pulls out his dick, and slams it onto the bed with a thunderous noise.
She stares at his gigantic dick, in complete shock and awe.
"B-b-but I thought you said you were hung like a baby?"
"I am," he replied. "8 lbs, 14 and 1/2 inches."
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