So, I brought my girlfriend some flowers today...

she looked at me, sighed and said, "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now."

so I asked her, "why, don't you have a vase?"

hahahahaha

just kidding...

I don't have a girlfriend

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Xbox One down! PS4 Down! Get an ambulance!

Wii U! Wii U! Wii U!

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My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

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What has 400 legs and 23 teeth?

The front row of a Trump rally

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Modern technology has never matched the simplicity and grace of the traditional pen.

In fact, you could say that there is still no e-quill.

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Whenever I'm in trouble, I think: what would Jesus do?

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

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I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought "what would Jesus do?"

... so I turned it into wine.

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