I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.
Thứ Bảy, 5 tháng 11, 2016
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge
"This is not working. I'm going to my mom's house."
I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold.
What the hell is she talking about?
50 of the least offensive jokes I know.
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When does a car stop being a car? When it's driving down the road and turns into a driveway.
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When is summer Pacific North West? Last year it was a Tuesday.
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How do you keep a redditor in suspense?
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How do you throw a party in space? You planet.
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Where does the king keep his armies? In his sleevies.
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How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? At least two.
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What happens when snails get in a fight? They slug it out.
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What do you call a low pitched growl from a dog? A subwoofer.
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What's the range on a tuba? About 8 feet, with a good arm.
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How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
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Why couldn't the action movie hero get off his flight? Because there's no time to ex-plane!
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Why can't Luke ever surprise Vader with birthday gifts? Because Vader can sense his presents in the force.
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What kind of overalls does Mario wear? Denim denim denim.
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What do you call a short-statured psychic jailbird? A small medium at large.
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What do you call it when a bird mimics a Weird Al song? A parroty.
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What's a pirates favorite letter? The C!
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How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.
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Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
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Why was the skeleton afraid of the haunted house? He didn't have any guts.
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What's the biggest difference between your dirty laundry and your clean laundry? Your clean laundry has less socks.
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What did Ryu say when Ken asked to borrow a jacket? Shoryuken.
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Which street tastes the best? Rocky road.
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Why can't the fisherman get any sleep? Because of all the whaling.
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What do vegan zombies crave? Graaaaaains.
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You may think it's funny, to kiss your honey, when her nose is runny, but it'snot!
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What do you get when you put adderall into the gas tank of a Ford Fiesta? A Ford Focus.
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Why aren't there many casinos in the savannah? To many cheetahs.
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What's a Greek philosophers' favorite childhood toy? Play-to.
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What's the tastiest country? Turkey.
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Why shouldn't you let your pokemon in the bathroom while you shower? They might pikachu.
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What's the easiest way to get the King and Queen in your pocket? Buy a pack of cards.
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What do you call a man hiding in your mailbox? Bill.
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Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
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What time is busiest at the dentist? 2:30 (tooth hurty)
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What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
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A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Why the long face?"
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What do you say to a slow tomato? Ketchup!
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How do you get to the part of Hogwarts that Harry Potter grew up in? Through the Griffin door.
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Where did the Sultan do his banking, before Aladdin came along? Wells Jafargo.
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John Paul Sarte goes to a cafe and orders "one coffee, no milk please". The waitress returns shortly and says "I'm sorry sir, it looks like we're fresh out of milk. Would you take your coffee with no cream instead?"
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Einstein, Pascal, Da Vinci and Newton get together for a game of Hide and Seek. Einstein is It, and begins counting down. Leonardo hurries up into a tree. Pascal runs behind a bush. Newton, however, draws a square on the ground in chalk, right behind Einstein, and sits down in it. When Einstein reaches zero, he announces "Ready or not, here I come!" Then turns around and says "Ah! That was too easy, you barely hid at all. You're out, I found you, Newton." To which Newton responds "Oh did you now? By my reckoning, one Newton per square meter is a Pascal!"
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An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar. The first says "I'd like a beer please!" The second says "I'd like half a beer, please!" The third says "I'd like a quarter of a beer, please!" The fourth says "I'd like an eighth of a beer, please!" Finally, getting frustrated, the bartender pours two beers and says "You all need to learn your limits."
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A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't you go starting anything."
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A zen buddhist goes to a hotdog truck and says "Please, make me one with everything."
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Did you hear about the man who was run over after falling asleep in the middle of the road? He was two tired.
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Why is Charlie Brown always broke? Because he works for Peanuts.
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What do you get when Dracula bites a pig? A hampire.
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What is red and tastes like blue paint? Red paint.
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Why did the Moon skip dessert? It was full.
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Two str() walk into a bar. The first says "Gimme a beer!Excuse him, he's not null terminated." The second says "Excuse him, he's not null terminated."
I thought coming up with 50 inoffensive jokes off the top of my head would be easy. I was quite wrong, this took a long time. I didn't look any of these up, but quite a few are featured in this sub pretty often. I'm ashamed to admit I wrote a couple of the really awful ones up there too. And there are a couple in there that are borderline offensive, but I'm tapped out.
The best NSFW racist joke I know
A trucker was driving down a highway in Alabama in the middle of no where when he came across a black man pushing his bike down the side of the road trying to flag down a ride.
The trucker figured he was in the middle of no where and was feeling generous so he pulled over and told the black guy, "You can have a ride, but I don't have any room in the cab, so you will have to ride in the back with the bowling balls. I'm in a hurry, so hop in."
The black man, happy to have a ride, hops in the back.
A half hour passes before the truck driver is pulled over for speeding. The officer asks for his license and registration before saying he needs to take a look in the back. Eager to get back on the road, the trucker obliges. The officer opens the back, sees the black man, the bike and the bowling balls before slamming the doors closed and telling the trucker to get the hell out of his state as fast as he can.
The truck speeds off and the cop gets back in his cruiser to find a confused partner.
His partner asks, "What was that all about?"
The cop replies, "You'll never believe it, but that lunatic was hauling a whole batch of nigger eggs and one had already hatched and stolen a bike!"
Little Mary goes up to her mom and says "Daddy said to tell you he needs to use your typewriter to write a letter...."
Mom smiles because she knows this is their secret code for sex. Unfortunately since she was on her period, she told little Mary: "Tell your daddy he can't use it because it only has red ink right now"
The next day, mom says: "Go tell daddy he can use my typewriter now". Little Mary runs off, and returns a minute later and tells her mom: "Daddy said it's too late because he already did the letter by hand"
My Journey to the Center of the Alt-Right
My Journey to the Center of the Alt-Right
I went to a white nationalist ethnostate in Indiana. I got bounced from a secret meeting in DC. I spent weeks figuring out how hate gurgles up from the nastiest recesses of the Internet. And I'm sorry to report that unconscionable racists will be a force in American politics well beyond November 8.
November 4, 2016 at 09:38PM
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