I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-wife's killer...

...but no one will do it.

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Throwing acid is wrong...

...in some people’s eyes.

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My boyfriend doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time I orgasm during sex. That's all I'm spending on him for Christmas.

So far, his roommate is getting a PS4. He's getting nothing.

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My wife wouldn't like ...

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later.

" I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now " she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it."

After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.By the way,where is she?"

I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess"....

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I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer

I have no idea what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

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Knock knock

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Yah!

Yah who?

Well, no thanks, I’m more of a Google person.

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Statistics say that 1/3 of people cheat in their relationships

Which got me thinking, Is it my wife or is it my girlfriend who is cheating?

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