Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day.

The First hobo says "Today i found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!" The other hobo says, "oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her, we fucked all day." "Did you get a blow job?" "No ... I couldn't find her head."...

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I took ten photos of myself in the shower, but hated them all.

Turns out I have selfie-steam issues...

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You wanna hear a construction joke?

I'm still working on it....

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A Mexican man who spoke no English

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man. "I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man. "Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man. "I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this...

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One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women." The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "I want one of your women." The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about thirty minutes." He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "She has to have active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says "Active herpes." She responds, "Okay, have a seat- it'll be about five minutes." Two minutes later, a woman comes...

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Officer, if you are what you eat...

Then I'm an innocent man....

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I never use the term "feminazi"...

Because the Nazis actually got stuff done....

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