Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts

Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here"...

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I used my knife to conserve ammo...

the rest of the paintball tournament were horrified...

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I bought a cheap thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible....

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A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!" The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse. "Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started." "There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse." "Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time." Sure...

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A guy walks into a sandwich shop

A guy walks into a sandwich shop in Paris. The guy working there looks at him funny for a minute, and then asks "Hey, weren't you in my company in the Marines?" "I thought you looked familiar too! Yes, I was indeed. Great seeing you after all these years" he replies. So they chit chatted for a bit. After a couple of minutes the guy asks "wait, what are you doing in Paris?" So the sandwich guy tells him his story. "Whoa! Never knew you were a half-frenchie!" The guy then starts talking in a ridiculous French accent: "oh oh! I am ze baguette! Le...

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Sex could be fatal...

An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl. He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night. The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstinent and the potency of this drug, sex could prove to be fatal." The old man says "Doc, if she dies, she dies."...

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A flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple onboard

so she reports it to the Captain immediately. “Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard. She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!” We must save the lady !!! The Captain responds, Patricia, I’ve told you before.. We have resigned from United Airlines. This is Air Force One Please learn to respect the American President....

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