Jew praying to god

A Jew having no children, no money, no home and a blind mother, prays sincerely to God to improve his life.

God is very pleased with his prayer, and grants him one wish, just one!

The Jew says OK God, thanks, my one and only wish is - 'I want my Mom to see my wife putting one hundred million dollars worth of diamonds around the neck of each of my 5 children, in my Rolls Royce parked next to our 2 Ferraris and 2 Lamborghinis near the enclosed heated Olympic sized swimming pool of our new 50,000 sq.ft. bungalow in our 50 acre property in Beverly Hills.'

God: Damn it! I still have a lot to learn from these Jews!

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A guy woke up one morning..

and heard a voice inside his head that said, "Quit your job... sell your house... take all your money and go to Las Vegas." He ignored it, but later that day he heard it again, more insistent. "Quit your job... sell your house... take all your money and go to Las Vegas!" The harder he tried, the more he heard it. Pretty soon it was in his head constantly. "Quit your job! Sell your house! Take all your money and go to Las Vegas!!!" Finally he couldn't stand it anymore. He quit his job, sold his house, put all his money in a suitcase and flew to Las Vegas. The moment he stepped off the plane the voice said, "Go to Caesar's Palace!" He took a cab to Caesar's Palace. The voice said, "Go to the roulette table!" He made his way back to the roulette table. The voice said, "Bet everything on Red 23!" He put every cent he had on Red 23. The wheel spun around, and the ball landed on Black 11. The voice said, "Fuck."

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Good choice.

Me: To make a woman laugh is the second best method to get her to sleep with you.

Her: And what is the best method?

Me: Chloroform.

Her: You are funny!

Me: Good choice.

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What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad hasn't beat cancer yet.

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What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig

The letter F

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I'm not passive aggressive

Unlike some people.

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KFC goes to visit the Pope

A man goes to see the pope.

"Your Holiness. I work for KFC, and we'll offer you ten million dollars to change the reading of the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

The pope is aghast! "I can't just go changing God's word for money!"

The man comes back the next day: "Fifty million! Now, think of all the good the church could do with all that money, Your Holiness!" The pope in unimpressed: "Look, I told you. I just can't do it. I'm sorry."

The guy is back a week later: "Final offer- $500 million. Take it or leave it."

The next day, the pope calls all the leaders of the church together: "Boys, I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is we've raised $500 million dollars for Catholic Charities."

The room erupts! Everybody is so happy!

The pope waits for the room to settle down. Then- "And now for the bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."

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